The Hardest Quest

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2012-05-28T00:00:00.000-04:00

(This post will stay at the top of the blog.)

Valentine's Day? Bah, humbug.

2012-02-14T12:45:00.005-05:00

All right, let me get this out of the way, right off the bat.

Valentine's Day sucks.

Seriously. I'm not even joking.

It's TERRIBLE.

Now don't misunderstand; I'm all for romance, love, flowers and happy endings. And OMG hell to the yes for chocolate! (Hubby would say that twice! He's a huge chocoholic.) All that stuff is great! Definitely.

I'm not even talking about the commercialization of romance. WTF is that??!! A "day" specifically to tell someone that you love him/her?!! Buying cards and flowers at a 400% markup just because retailers can get away with it? Nuh uh. No thank you. I'll pass. Freakin' nuts if you ask me. (Psst guys: save your money and surprise her with something she really wants on no special day at all!)

But more than that, Valentine's Day for us, holds a miserable track record. Dear mother of God, and I do mean MISERABLE.

There was the year that we planned a candlelit dinner... and started talking shortly after dinner started to end up in a disagreement that was pretty huge. We blew out the candles and stalked away from the dinner table to different areas of the house, angry at each other. Not a good Valentine's Day, that's for sure.

Or the year that Hubby hoped to take me out for dinner somewhere, only to realize that "Oh crap, you mean I had to book two months ago for tonight?" sorta deal was going on. So much for that.

Or the year that we decided to do nothing... and then later in the evening promptly changed our minds but it was really too late to make a romantic evening out of it.

Our track record for Valentine's Day just sucks. BAD. So we don't do it. It turns out terribly if we even attempt to try. Not good.

This yearis really no different. Today, Hubby is working until 9 p.m.. Petite will be asleep by the time he gets home at 10. I will only be awake for an hour or so after he gets home. We can't have a meal together; we barely cross paths during the week! And lo and behold, we started off the day this morning with an argument. Nothing serious, but meh... more Valentine's Day crap. I just want to forget the day exists altogether! It's so not worth it! Totally overrated in my view.

But, now we have Petite, and she's in daycare. I can't have her going to daycare with nothing for all the other little kids. I did the dutiful thing and sent her with little gifts for everyone, complete with chocolate hearts. And we bought Hubby's kids, and K & K (my friend and her daughter) boxes of chocolates. Whether they liked them, or wanted them, I'm not even certain. I didn't hear much about them afterwards. (Teenagers! HOLY w;aua;97*@(@@Apwaowpq00+@1!!! *tears out hair* I could scream.)

Anyway, all that aside, I did one other thing: I sent Hubby an e-card. That may be as good as it gets.

Yanno... unless I can get discount chocolates on my way home from work. :)

**********
One VERY good thing did happen to me today; my Japanese ex just joined Facebook and sent me a friend request! He and I keep in touch and it's wonderful that we have technology to let us communicate so much easier! YAY! *does the happy dance* I haven't seen him since I left Japan in 1996 but it's amazing that he and I can continue to keep in touch.

Oh, and bonus points if you know what next Tuesday, February 21 is?! Come on! I bet you can guess!!!

Sarah's Story

2012-02-09T12:10:00.003-05:00

Over at Too Many Fish to Fry, Jjiraffe is on a mission.

Infertility is a terrible disease. It is one that is often nameless. Faceless. The names are unknown. The faces are featureless. It becomes a mere entity. Something to deal with. Infertility is a disease that so many people cannot understand or relate to, and that does not work in our favour.

Jjiraffe is working to change that. She is writing a series about the Faces of Adoption/Loss/Infertility. In America, 1 couple in 8 is infertile. Here in Canada, the statistics are more drastic: 1 in 6.

In January, Jjiraffe wrote about Courtney. Just the other day, she added a new story; I ask that you take a moment to click over and read about Sarah in Three Acts. Sarah's journey is a wonderful account of the reality of adoption, and why there is no such thing as "just adopt" for those who are dealing with infertility. It's a moving story and I was wiping away the tears by the time I had finished.

Spread the word. Infertility does not have to be nameless or faceless any longer.

A Health Diagnosis

2012-01-28T14:26:00.004-05:00

As I mentioned on my Project 365, I finally have a diagnosis.

While I was pregnant, I had aches and pains. Normal right? Absolutely. I felt stiff and sore. I had trouble getting my hips, knees and ankles to cooperate after I got out of bed in the morning. And like you would if you were pregnant, you would attribute the aches to the pregnancy.

So I dealt with it. And I thought that after the baby arrived, all would be better. The aches and pains would eventually be resolved. I delivered Petite in August 2009 and by Christmas that year, still in pain.

Spring 2010... still in pain. I thought, "This is weird," and I mentioned it to my doctor. Nothing strange or startling according to her though. So we let it go on some more. Fall 2010, I mentioned it again. She didn't seem too terribly concerned, but noted it in the file. This past year, I continued to have pain and voiced it yet again in September.

She referred me to a rheumatologist (I thought she was a bit off her rocker to be honest) and she also referred me for physio and an MRI for my swollen ankle and heel... an injury ongoing since July 2010. I had the MRI and that diagnosed Haglund's syndrome (swollen bursa, inflamed Achilles, etc.). I have been doing the physio and that was helping. But the pain in the joints, notably ankles, knees, hips and elbows, remained.

I saw a rheumatologist early in January. One of the first questions he asked, "Do you have psoriasis? Is there a family history of psoriasis?" Yep. I have psoriasis, mild though it is. It is much worse in the winter months with the -30 degree weather that chaps my hands and elbows. I have a prescription cream (Dobovet) to ease the symptoms and cracking.

He initially diagnosed psoriatic arthritis. I thought he might be off his rocker too. He prescribed Voltaren for me. I was a little shocked, admittedly. Arthritis?!

I started taking the medication, and honestly, within two days I was pain free for the first time in three years. I could take the stairs one after the other again, instead of one at a time. I could bend over and stretch without aching and feeling unsteady. I was able to get on the floor with Petite and play a game without dragging myself to a chair to help get up again. The immediate difference was marked. Phenomenal. Impressive.

And scary too. To be honest, it's a little scary. I'm only 41. Ah, but it isn't degenerative arthritis, it's inflammatory, sort of like rheumatoid arthritis. It can be diagnosed at any age. It can be controlled, and it won't do severe damage as long as I keep things in check.

I have psoriatic arthritis. Not that I wanted it, but there it is. I know my aunt has it too. What's good about all of this is now I know what it is. Now I know I can control the pain. Now I can make sure I listen to my joints and pay attention when I sense those aches and pains creeping back in.

If we ever decide to go for another IVF, I will stop the medication prior to the protocol and take it from there, consulting with my RE and my rheumatologist throughout.

I saw the rheumatologist for the follow up and to report back on how I felt after the first course of medication. He was really pleased to hear what a difference it had made in my life. I had dozens of questions for him. All of which were answered and I feel good about the information that I have. It's a chronic issue. It will always be with me.

I like to think that I'm fighting back. "I have psoriatic arthritis. But it doesn't have me."

My Best Advice

2012-01-18T11:31:00.003-05:00

In protest today of the American SOPA and PIPA legislation, many websites are blacked out or are discussing the details of Internet Censoring.

Our resident Stirrup Queen, Mel, has a counter-idea in play today: post the best advice you have to give. In her entry, she shares The Best Parenting (and Marriage) Advice I Have to Give. A very good read. I think I need to read it a few times to absorb the information she has in there. Thank you for posting it Mel. At the moment, your advice could be very helpful in my world. It's good to hear it.

And while I am absolutely swamped this week with a bunch of things at work and at home, I have one motto, one creed, one piece of advice that has served me well through all these years and likely for many years to come.

It is better to live with remorse than with regret.

I first heard it in French in a Patrick Bruel song (Place des grands hommes). At the beginning of the live version, he shouts, "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets." It resonated in me, from a very young age. And I have taken it to heart.

That piece of advice has seen me through the most difficult of times. It has spurred me onwards when I wasn't sure. It has made me take stock of my life at various times and pushed me to make decisions.

It is the one piece of advice that I keep coming back to. Without it, I expect Petite simply wouldn't exist. For while I am stubborn, I very well may have given up before we got lucky.

Now, I keep hearkening back to this advice, as we look ahead and determine if we are going to try for a sibling for Petite. "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets. Alors ESSAYE." Just TRY.

If I don't try, I will regret it forever more. I'd much rather live with remorse for having tried than with regret that I never grabbed the opportunity.

Essaye. Alors essaye.

{This Moment}

2012-01-13T13:18:00.001-05:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by FindingChaos/Soulemama.

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment'

in the comments for all to find and see.

One Mom's Life Changes; Another's is On Hold

2012-01-10T12:25:00.006-05:00

I read a blog entry the other day about a woman in her late 30s who was preparing to give birth to her second child. She already had a precious little girl, just over two years old (as Petite is now) and she was cherishing the idea of her daughter having a sibling. She imagined two children bonding together. Playing house. Having tea parties. Arguing about which game to play. Etc. All the "normal" stuff that one would think about when on the verge of having a second child.

This mom savoured the last moments of their life as a threesome and as day turned into night, she went into labour. When the time was right, she went to the hospital and delivered her second baby. A girl. The baby arrived safely. But the mother knew. She KNEW something wasn't right with her daughter. She knew it long before anyone dared utter the words: The baby has Down Syndrome. Precious nevertheless. Loved nonetheless. Beautiful anyway. However, the fact that the newborn had Down Syndrome quickly changed the mother's imagined scenarios about what the future would now hold for their family of four. And how things would inevitably change for the older daughter.

As I read the blog piece, I shed a river of tears. I had that scare. I was there. I was labelled high risk to have a baby with Down Syndrome. I had the amniocentesis. Obviously Petite does not have Down Syndrome... but it leads me to wonder. What if? What if I were to go through another IVF? What if I were in that position? Do I want to risk it? Do I want to go through all of what that would mean? At my age, I really don't know if I could handle it. I applaud any and all parents who take on the challenges of raising any child who is differently-abled. Absolutely! I just don't know if -I- have it in me to tackle that at my age and at this point in my life.

So if we were to try again, would it be tempting fate? Playing with fire? Just asking for trouble? Would God look down at me and say, "Hey missy, you had your shot! You got what you wanted. Really? You really want more huh?" And then He would proceed to test me to my absolute limits? Would He do that?

Do I really want to find out? I don't know.

I don't know. Would I do that to my family? I don't know. Could I do that to Petite? I don't know. There are pros and cons to everything of course. But at my age, and using IVF, these are things that must be considered.

Either you make a plan to deal with it, try to foresee every twist and turn in the road and what you would do to handle it. Or...

You hope for the best and say, "We'll cross that bridge when/if we come to it."

Or...

You remain immobilized by fear. Wondering if you'll ever take the leap at all.

**********

Yesterday I published a couple of photos that I took. These pics are photos of Petite's rash. The ongoing, never-ending, irritating, nagging problem that it has become is just NOT. GIVING. UP. Ugh.

We're not sure what it is. But I've got to find out. Poor girl. I'm changing her bath wash tonight and we'll see if that helps at all. I may try to get an emergency same-day appointment with the doc tomorrow.

Public Service Announcement

2012-01-05T10:39:00.005-05:00

I've decided to participate in Project 365. Or rather, 366; this year is a leap year, after all. (Thanks Vee for inspiring me!)

For every day this year, I will try to take a photo and post it. I've noticed that the first four posts are Christmas things I cherish. Obviously this will not endure and the theme will be changing as the year passes!

I created a new blog to store the photos. If you want to follow along, feel free.

Gil's Project 365

See you over there if you're so inclined!

It Gets Better... Right?

2012-01-03T10:56:00.003-05:00

This one is just depressive. Click away while you can. Really. I mean it.
I just needed to get some of this off my chest. And my blog is one of the best places to do that. So if you choose to keep reading, know that you were forwarned. So "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah" to you.

I'm not in the greatest of places to start off 2012. I keep saying it'll get better. I really don't know though. Honestly. I'm just sort of going through the motions in the hopes that by doing so, I'll will things to be better. Does that ever work? Personal anecdotes most welcome.

This is a thought-vomit post. Hold onto your hats:

I learned two weeks ago, right before Christmas, that our original clinic in Montreal has lowered their IVF treatment cutoff age to 43. FORTY-freakin-THREE.
Crap.
I think I'm about to miss my window of opportunity, because I turn 42 in May. Which brings me to my next statement of disbelief: When the hell did I get to be 42?? Where have the last 20 years gone? Sweet mother of baby Jesus. And here I am, terrified of tossing out anything of Petite's 'in case' we might need it. Looks like the decision is about to be taken out of my hands entirely. That saddens me. It was never what I wanted. I'm surrounded by clothing, toys, paraphenalia that I hoped to be able to use again. I don't want to part with it just yet.

Petite has been toilet trained since the week after her second birthday at the end of August. However, last week, for one day only, she deliberately peed anywhere else BUT the toilet. In fact, she screeched when we tried to get her to go to the toilet. We coaxed her and returned to our original rewards program of stickers and Smarties and that seemed to do the trick. We'll continue that for a bit. She really tested us though. In fact, she deliberately peed on one of the new dolls she'd received for Christmas. Took me two days to wash that thing properly and get the smell of urine out of it. I'm not sure why she took to doing this. Some of it I attribute to the insanity and upheaval of Christmas and lack of routine. With luck, it was just a one-day event and won't repeat itself. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

I've spent the better part of 2011 angry at Hubby, and by extension, some members of his family. I'm trying to stop being angry, but I'm not sure how to do that. I don't have the tools in my repertoire to attain that goal. I simply cannot stop being angry; the events that brought me to this point and have raised this anger in me have deeply affected me, our family and our life. Added to that, the resulting effects are ongoing. That makes me angry too. I'm seeing someone to try to work that out, but it isn't helping at all. It's been a few months now. I'm not getting anywhere. I need something more. Or someone else to guide me. I cannot spend 2012 like this. If I do, well... let's just say that more upheaval will be in the coming months. Upheaval that I am trying to avert and overcome.

My Christmas decorations still deck the halls in my home. I am a traditionalist; they will remain up until at least January 6. I hope to make a dent in taking them down on the 7th. No guarantees though. Hubby is working that weekend so I'm not sure how much I'll get done by myself. I know that my sister had taken hers all down and it was all stored away again on Boxing Day (December 26). What a shame. It takes so long to prepare for the holiday, and just seeing the tree and the lights gives me a sense of peace (albeit temporarily so). I can't fathom being rid of it already. I will cherish it for another week or so.

I am inexplicably tired. Not tired, as in needing sleep. But tired as in worn down. Dejected. Wondering if it's all worth it. Some days, I really don't know. Many days, it's Petite that keeps me going. Her kisses. Her hugs. Her sweet snuggles at night before bed. Those things are gold to me.

I was out to pick up some meats and cheeses for our New Year's raclette meal, and what do I see, but Valentine's chocolates on the shelves? That's insane. Really people? Is there a need to jump from one commercialized holiday to another quite that quickly? Good Lord. Let us breathe for a week, willya?! Man oh man... Friggin' ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

I have not made any New Year's Resolutions, nor will I bother to do so. Honestly, after the sh*tstorm that we endured in 2011, I'll be damn lucky just to get through 2012 in one piece. So if I'm vertical at the end of the year, that's the best I can ask for at this rate. Suffice it to say, I ended this year sadder, thinner and poorer than I entered it. I like the thinner part. The 'sadder' and 'poorer' I could certainly have done without.

We did have champagne at midnight on New Year's Eve though. In fact, it was a little bottle of Moet et Chandon that was purchased to celebrate the birth of Petite, more than two years ago. It's been in my fridge ever since, unopened. In the hospital, I was shoved from pillar to post after Petite's birth, moving rooms alone, etc., and Hubby was back and forth to the hospital and the house, with my family being there for the baby's arrival. So it got overlooked. And while I knew it was there, we just never had time nor the right occasion. With the ushering out of the miserably crappy year that 2011 was, I thought it best to pop the cork on that sucker and enjoy it, and PRAY to God that 2012 is better.

Vee has inspired me. I'd like to partake in Project 365 (well, this year it's 366; it's a leap year). I'm going to try to take one picture every day for a year. My main issue becomes publishing them. Here? To Facebook? Who can say I'll have time to do that every day this year? Who can say I'll have access to a computer or method of uploading every day? If you miss a day publishing, but you still took a photo, can you upload a few photos together? Is that in the rules somewhere? (And who makes said 'rules' anyway?!) I have two pictures already. And a bunch of ideas for the coming days and weeks.

I'm dealing with an issue at the office that is royally pissing me off. I'm not sure that I can do a damn thing about it. It's making me take a hard look at the workplace I'm in.

I wish I could be a stay-at-home-mom. I wish I had won the $50 million that was won last Friday by a local couple. I wish that my situation was different.

And even as I wish it so, I know full well that the only one who has the power to CHANGE my situation is...

... ultimately...

... me.

Sweetest Words

2011-12-28T12:43:00.005-05:00

(Children mentioned herein. Just cherishing some of the special moments.)

On Christmas Day, Petite woke us at about 7:45 a.m.. She had initially forgotten the hype and hubbub of Christmas and wanted to snuggle with Mommy and Daddy in our bed for awhile. We were more than happy to oblige.

When we came to our senses and realized that so many gifts were out in our living room, waiting to be opened and that we had people to thank for these lovely gifts, as they were calling later in the day, I gently reminded Petite about the tree and presents.

"Santa come?" She asked. "Yes," I replied, "Santa came and left some presents." That was it. She was eager to get a move on with her day and hopped down off the bed as quickly as possible for a two-year old.

I'll spare you the crazy details of frantic unwrapping, delight at the new gifts, and fun that ensued at our house. The day went well. Everyone had a lovely mid-afternoon rest when Petite had her nap. I spoke to most of my family members to thank them for being so very thoughtful. I thanked Hubby for having given me a raclette (which I have wanted for about 12 years to replace another one that went elsewhere). My girlfriend gave me a beautiful stainless steel electric kettle; again, something I've wanted for awhile. The turkey dinner was delicious and the wine that accompanied it went down nicely, as did the rum pudding dessert! YUM!

But the best, the absolute sweetest moment I want to remember is the following:

As I said goodnight to Petite on Christmas night, she was clinging to her new Iggle Piggle and Upsy Daisy dolls, snuggling under her comforter. I leaned down, brushed my hand gently on her hair a few times, as I do every night, and I kissed her.

"Good night my sweet baby girl. I love you."

"Love you Mommy."

"Merry Christmas my darling girl."

"Merry Kismas Mommy."

Tears rolled down my face. Never were sweeter words spoken.

When you stop and think about it, these are the moments IFers want. Nothing huge. Nothing incredible (except that it kind of is, in my view). Not the overwhelming moments. IFers want a regular life. They want the quiet, everyday moments of snuggling with their children. Of kissing them goodnight. Of taking them to the park and playdates. Of showing them the world. Of teaching them kindness and respect. Of showing them love.

And if they're lucky, to receive love like this in return. For nothing is more beautiful.

At Christmas, I wish for all of us to be so blessed and find the path that will bring us to the realization of our dreams of building a family. May 2012 bring this to you, if you are still searching. It took us almost 7 years to find our path and go from our first "try" to having a baby in our arms. I pray to God that each of us, each of YOU, are able to have that as well... and with luck, well before 7 years passes!

Much love, now and always,
Gil

{This Moment}

2011-12-23T10:00:00.002-05:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by FindingChaos/Soulemama.

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment'

in the comments for all to find and see.

Merry Christmas from Petite, Hubby and Gil.

May 2012 bring you and yours peace, love, health and happiness.

Blood Draws; the Vampire Strikes Again! Ugh.

2011-12-19T15:08:00.003-05:00

To check up on how my thyroid is doing, my doctor regularly orders blood work for me. This time, I had to get it done; my prescription for medication is about to run out! Eeek!

So I went on December 8 and had blood drawn. Most of the results were normal. However, a couple were a touch off. Here are the details:

TSH (thyroid) is at 2.45. Technically this is "normal" however, if I wanted to do another IVF, I need to get that down below 2.0, and ideally, around 1.5. I had a feeling that my meds weren't doing an optimal job anymore.

Ferritin (aka iron) is at 53. That means that I have "reduced iron stores" because normal is from 80 to 300. At least it's better than what I had last year. Still not great though. Obviously I need to eat more meat.

Both monocytes and eosinophils were a touch above normal, at 0.81 and 0.45 respectively. Normal ranges for monocytes are 0.0-0.8. Normal ranges for eosinophils are 0.0 to 0.4. I am not sure what this means... some websites suggest dimished lung capacity? Maybe this is a factor of the terrible cough/cold that I'm still fighting. I suspected I might have pneumonia. I wonder if I ought to get an x-ray to be sure. Ugh. Not fun.

Those are the latest details from the vampires. On a positive note, I found a great technician at a local laboratory and hopefully I will get lucky and have her again when I need to get blood drawn!

{This Moment}

2011-12-09T11:16:00.002-05:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’
in the comments for all to find and see.

Long-Awaited Adoption Success for a Friend

2011-12-08T11:38:00.003-05:00

I've been absent, dealing with a pox/plague at our house. A snot-filled, congested, hacking, sinusitis-riddled, weepy-eyed state of affairs that would make the most healthy of individuals weak at the knees. It's not been a fun week in our house, that's for sure. Hubby is still hacking up a lung. I missed two days of work and stumbled through a hazy fog of semi-reality for a few days. Petite is coughing too; she woke at 5 a.m. this morning with a chesty cough. I am crossing my fingers it doesn't get worse.

I know, I know. No excuses for not writing. Mea culpa.

Meh... my blog.

I write when I can. C'est la vie!

Anyway, in my soggy-tissue miserableness, I was peeking at Facebook. One of my sister's and my friends, T, finally had some happy news. I've known for a little while, but now that it's public, I can publicly post about it.

Adoption success.

After YEARS... like maybe close to ten years of waiting.

T (a schoolmate of my sister's) and her husband C got lucky this year.

Before I met my husband, they got married. They wanted a family and started trying, with no luck. Around ten years ago, when I met Hubby, they were diagnosed with unexplained infertility. Being in Newfoundland, that's a bit of a dead end; there are NO IVF clinics in the province at all. Treatment is usually done on "The Mainland" (as we refer to the rest of Canada) in Halifax, Montreal or Toronto... depending on your finances and if you have a place to lay your head while you're in the city.

Anyway, after their diagnosis, they tried a few things, but with no success. And then they quickly moved on to adoption.

They waited. For years they waited. Hoping to be matched. Hoping for a call. They did the necessary classes/courses and kept their file updated. They looked at adopting from China and got themselves on the list. We heard a few years ago (around the time I got pregnant) that it might be a matter of months and they would have good news.

Those months turned into more years.

And this year, finally, some luck.

They have been matched with a little boy, I think he's three years old, and it's going wonderfully. He spent a few weeks with them in the fall. And now, he's just been placed in their home full time. T said on Facebook the other day that she is about to be a full-time Mommy. She will get her parental leave and she will stay at home with him to help him adjust and to enjoy her new son.

T and C have just gotten their best Christmas gift ever. And it's been a helluva long time coming. I shed tears of joy when I got the news a few weeks ago. I could not be more thrilled for both of them. They are loving, caring people and will be wonderful parents. May they have many, many years to enjoy and to cherish every single moment.

Congratulations to them! *throws confetti*

Glimpses of Childhood

2011-11-28T12:46:00.004-05:00

Last week, I picked Petite up from daycare one evening, and I had a quick stop to make at the mall on our way home. Petite was agreeable to leaving daycare without too much fuss. Usually she's having so much fun when I arrive that I have to coerce her to come with me; she hates to leave her friends and whatever fun she's engaged in when I arrive.

Anyway, we bundled into the car and went to the mall. There, I stopped at one store, looking for a particular item. When they didn't have it, I thought I'd try one of the other stores in the mall. And as Petite and I walked along (okay, she ran; I followed behind carrying our coats), we came upon the area in the mall with Santa Claus and his North Pole setting. She stopped dead in her tracks.

"Santa!" she pointed and smiled as I caught up to her. I nodded. "Yes, that's Santa Claus. What does Santa say?" I asked. The reply was immediate, "Ho ho ho!" She beamed. I bent down and hugged her. I said, "Would you like to look at Santa? We can visit him another day, but maybe we can watch him for a few minutes from over here." I led her to a better vantage point where she could really get a good look at Santa and the kids who were visiting with him.

She watched intently as a little boy, maybe about 5 years old, went up the ramp and sat beside Santa, talking to him. Petite was all eyes, drinking in the scene.

I picked her up and explained what was happening. "See, the little boy is going to talk to Santa. Santa is a very kind man. He likes to talk to little boys and girls." She nodded quietly, all the while watching, and mouthing "Ho, ho, ho."

"At Christmas, Santa will bring presents to good boys and girls. And maybe, if you talk to him, you can tell him what kind of presents you want. Would you like that?"

Petite nodded and turned to me, "Presents?" she asked.

"Yes, Santa will bring presents if you're good. Would you like that?"

She nodded emphatically.

"When you can talk to Santa you can tell him what presents you would like. Petite, what will you tell him? What presents do you want?"

Her reply came swiftly.

"Chocolate ones."

Out of the mouths of babes. Bless her chocolate-loving soul. That's my girl.

Hmm, I wonder if I can get a doll made entirely out of chocolate for her; obviously that'll be the perfect gift!

Development Notes
We took her to the doctor last Friday morning and while there, the doc measured her at 36" exactly and 29 lbs 15 oz. She's lost three pounds, but it brings her back into the norm on the charts at the 75th percentile. All is well. And boy, is she a smart cookie. Wow. I was putting her boots on her the other morning. I started counting, "one" and she followed quickly, counting right up through 11 on her own. She knows a bunch of colours, she knows numbers through 10, she is getting familiar with the alphabet and God love her, while she doesn't respond to me in French yet, she understands my questions and words, replying in English in the appropriate context. I am blessed.

Giving Thanks... Sorta.

2011-11-24T13:34:00.007-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to my American family and friends, both IRL and URL. I hope your Turkey Day is spectacular and your Black Friday is full of savings and sweet deals!

I'm a bit swamped at the moment. Work is busy. Home is busy. I'm just busy. But I'm hanging in there.

For the record, I am thankful for the blessing I have with Petite. For friends, near and far. For an incredible family who are thoughtful, loving, caring and giving.

But I'll be honest, 2011 has been a pretty shitty year:

From family health issues with my family at home at the beginning of the year.

To tumultuous times having a teenager move in part-time, shortly after the new year started. (We loved having her, but any change in the nuclear family dynamic is always somewhat tumultuous.)

To finding out about severe problems with said teenager.

To Hubby's not making it through his courses... and a subsequent frantic job search, fraught with much uncertainty.

To adjusting to Hubby's new job... which essentially makes me a single mom to Petite, except for two days per week when Hubby is off. It should be noted, his days off aren't necessarily my days off.

To more severe issues and grief with said teenager.

To trying to resolve those issues, and having her move in full-time.

To problems between me and Hubby.

To health problems (again) with my family back at home. This always makes me nervous; I wish I could be home. I wish I could find a job in my hometown.

To needing to protect our family and having to remove the teenager from our home entirely. We're still not sure where this is going. To be determined.

Honestly, I'm tired. I'm exhausted. That wasn't at all what we wanted out of 2011 when the year started. Not at all.

I am just biding my time and waiting patiently for Christmas and the New Year, in the fervent hope that 2012 brings us, all of us, better things.

I have to have hope.

Time Alone Recap

2011-11-16T12:07:00.005-05:00

FYI: Children mentioned in this post. Click away if you need to.

I survived my weekend alone. In fact, I LOVED my weekend alone. The silence was deafening at first, but I quickly got the hang of things and I was really productive. I made a huge list of all the things I got done while Hubby and Petite were away. It's rather impressive, I must admit. There was more that I wanted to do, but I did want to enjoy some "me" time too you know! I wasn't going to devote EVERY minute to cleaning, tidying and running errands! And you know something? I barely had a drop of any wine after all. I guess I was just too busy doing the things that needed my attention.

Some of the highlights:
Cleaned the living room and the bathroom from top to bottom! What a difference!
Donated a bunch of bedding and towels to the humane society, and I had a look around while I was there. Oh, what I wouldn't do to adopt a bunch of the little kittens or even the older cats. They're gorgeous. My heart just about broke, as it always does around animals who need loving homes.
Cleaned up the front garden and put out a bin of leaves and other organic matter for the trash/recycling.
Put up the greenery and Christmas lights. The weather was beautiful for doing that; I didn't freeze while I was doing it, for a change!
I managed to get out with a girlfriend to dinner and a movie. That was lots of fun. We saw Tower Heist. A good, fun, mindless film. Perfect.
I got in GAME! Woot! It was lots of fun running around with a couple of friends. I do miss that. (FYI, for new readers, I play EverQuest II, and I have since its launch in 2004, having also played EverQuest from 2001-04.)
And of course, I spent time on the phone with my family and Petite and Hubby.

She had a wonderful time. She happily skipped down the ramp with Daddy to the plane and upon arrival at my parents' home at almost 2 a.m., she found her second wind and got a snack and wanted to play with everyone! She did extremely well on the plane. She loved her time playing hockey with her poppy. She baked cookies with Nana. She fed the duckies with my two aunts. They lavished attention and presents on her (new clothes, some toys, boots, etc.)

Take a look at her new coat! I think it's sweet.

All in all, they had a glorious time. And I'm glad. Hubby needed the time with her, because usually I'm the one who gets that. I have had plenty of opportunities to bond with her on vacations while he has not. Although it was only a few days, I am a firm believer that something is better than nothing.

I recognize how lucky we are. She is a beautiful little girl. She is happy. She is healthy. She is loving and giving. She adores snuggling on the couch before bed. She is content when she listens to me read to her, or sing to her. She has a great sense of humour for only two years old. She is kind. She is adventurous and open. I have to say, her personality is just simply AMAZING. Yes, there are miserable moments, like with any toddler. But on the whole, she is a wonderful sweet girl. Everyone just falls in love with her. And my family loves her to pieces. They really do. How lucky I am that they are able to enjoy her as much as they do and are still around to be able to do that!? I thank my lucky stars on a daily basis. I do.

I truly do.

And yet...

I still want to give Petite a sibling.

I think it's partly because she IS such a loving, giving, caring little girl that I want to give her the opportunity to love a sibling too.

Is that wrong? Is it greedy to want another one? (Is it stupid of me to think it's 'greedy' because any fertile person wouldn't be considered greedy for wanting a second child...) Is it bad to tempt fate? We got lucky with IVF #1... there's no way it would work as quickly again. And if it did, who's to say it would be a good pregnancy again? Or a healthy baby? Ugh. So many "ifs" in the picture.

Forget it anyway; I simply don't have the money to do it right now. We just don't. I wish I did. God knows, I wish I did. I want to push forward and have a try for a second child. But even if we found the money now, the timing would have to be perfect; two little ones in full-time daycare in our city would cost an absolute fortune. More than my mortgage, that's for certain!

But time slips by. I am growing older. I don't have it in me to wait much longer and still hope to do this. The trickle of hope is fading.

I fear this sweet little girl will never have a baby brother or sister in her life. That saddens me. I am trying to come to grips with it, but some part of me is in denial, forcing my brain to remain open to the idea that it MIGHT happen. No, it's not possible for Hubby and me to conceive naturally. It simply isn't because of our medical histories. So it has to be IVF. Do I have it in me? I don't know. I fear facing it again. I fear facing a negative when we got so lucky the first time. So many fears. I'm not handling it well right now.

Trying to Hide a Little Sadness

2011-11-09T12:53:00.007-05:00

Let me get this out of the way first:

YAY Mississippi for voting NO on Proposition 26! I am so glad that you trust women/couples to know what is right and wrong for them. Congratulations. You did the right thing and women all over North America are glad for your having done so.

Now, my own stuff...

I'm feeling an overwhelming sadness today.

Tomorrow evening, Hubby and Petite are getting on a plane and flying east to see my family. They'll be gone until Monday. I'm trying, desperately trying, to focus on the good things about this holiday for them.

Hubby gets some quality bonding time with Petite.

He gets to take his first vacation alone with her since her birth.

He gets to see my family and enjoy all that The Rock has to offer. He'll probably have a really good meal of fish and chips while he's there too! (Lucky bugger.)

Hubby gets some well-deserved time off work. It's been a rough year for him too and while I've had the opportunity to escape now and then, he has not.

I get three full days, four nights, of ME time. I have absolutely no plans.

Okay...

I sorta have a few plans. One involves a movie and popcorn. Another involves a bottle of wine (or two!). Yet another involves sleeping soundly in my cozy bed til at least 9 a.m.! Still others are 'work', like cleaning and tackling Christmas Cards for the season. We'll see what gets done... to be determined.

I get time to cuddle with my two fur-babies -- my 16-year old kitties -- completely uninterrupted by a toddler who is jealous and who needs Mommy's lap "now."

I get time to GAME in EQ2 for the first time in about six weeks! WOOT! (God I love a good dungeon run!!)

There is peace and quiet and no one to answer to but myself for a few days.

And yet, with all of these positives, I can only focus on the one negative:

I'll be without my baby girl for THREE WHOLE DAYS. How am I going to cope?!

"What ifs" are racing through my head. And I know I shouldn't let them overtake me, but it's so hard to stop them from being all-encompassing. The biggest one involves a major... oh boy, I can't even write it, for fear that I'll jinx something. *shakes head* Can't even let myself go there. Tears well up just at the thought.

So I'm trying, valiantly, to focus on the positives.

And yet, every time I speak to Petite about the great adventure she is going to have with Daddy, getting on an airplane to fly to see Nana and Poppy and Auntie B and Auntie L, she looks up at me with pale blue eyes and says, "Mommy too?" And I smile and shake my head and say, "No baby, just you and Daddy for the great adventure!" I talk it up too:

She's going to bake cookies with Nana.

She's going to feed the duckies with Auntie B and Auntie L.

She's going to play hockey with Poppy.

All these things are fun. She knows she will do all this and more. She is excited about seeing these people. I know she will have a wonderful time. Even if she mentions frequently that "Mommy too?" comment. I hope she doesn't have a meltdown between here and Montreal on the first leg of the flight.

And I really hope I make it through the weekend to Monday when I pick them up at the airport. Wish me luck. LOADS of luck.

And wine. Loads of that too...

WTF Mississippi?

2011-11-08T09:35:00.003-05:00

Okay, so today's vote in Mississippi hearkens back to the ol' "when life begins" issue. And they're proposing that life begins at fertilization.

Fertilization, people.

Do you comprehend the ramifications of this?! Well, let's be clear. If life begins at fertilization, at the very moment that sperm meets egg and an embryo is formed, then it means the following:

Women who are raped, and subsequently become pregnant from that attack cannot have an abortion.

Women who are pregnant and discover at some point that the pregnancy is not viable outside the uterus, cannot have an abortion. If they do, they will be charged with murder.

Couples like me and Hubby, who undergo IVF (or any ART), will not be able to discard any embryos... regardless of viability.

If a woman becomes pregnant and then loses the baby, even a chemical pregnancy... then she will be committing murder. (So I had three embryos transferred into me, and only one child resulted. Does that mean I murdered two of them because they did not implant?! Come on...)

A woman who is pregnant who develops a life-threatening condition because of the pregnancy will not be permitted to terminate; it will be committing murder.

I wonder if it would mean that anyone who undergoes IVF in Mississippi would have to have all embryos transferred... if for example, freezing an embryo would not be permitted? Scary thoughts. (Can you say Octo-Mom?)

What would happen in the case of an ectopic pregnancy? Because if you leave an ectopic pregnancy to develop, it can very well result both baby and mother's death. Yet under this law, removing an ectopic pregnancy would be murder too. That simply doesn't make sense. At all.

Do you see the slippery slope here? I believe, like so many others, that women/couples can determine when it is the right time to have a baby, and when it is not. (Mind you, that implies some sort of level of sanity and recognition of your own particular situation and ability to raise said child.) And I believe that Mississippi should stay out of the bedrooms of its citizens.

Say NO to Mississipi's Proposition 26 today. Vote with your sensibilities. Don't be damn stupid. I have to believe that people in Mississippi have a grain of sense and will shoot this one down.

{This Moment}

2011-11-04T09:56:00.001-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

Naturopathic Help for Infertility

2011-11-02T11:33:00.005-04:00

I was contacted by a producer/researcher at CTV (in Toronto) who is doing some research on infertility for a Health and Lifestyle pilot. CTV is currently searching for couples who might want to come on TV and discuss natural treatments with a Naturopathic doctor, and look into alternative ways of family-building.

As I explained to her on the phone today, I don't know that Naturopathy can improve our particular chances: after all, our major issue is uniting sperm with egg, given that sperm must be retrieved surgically. But I do know of many people who have subfertility issues (egg quality, sperm motility, etc.) who may benefit from this type of assistance. That said, if we can benefit from it, I'm certainly willing to listen.

If you are Canadian, particularly in the Toronto area (Pam and V, I'm thinking about you!), and are interested, get in touch by e-mail or find me here. I'll put you in touch with the CTV producer who will be more than happy to take your information. Who knows? You might benefit immensly from the consultation!

The Tooth Fairy F*cks Up (in Mel's House)

2011-11-02T09:37:00.003-04:00

Our one and only Stirrup Queen has a story to tell today that had me laughing (and snorting) aloud!

Go read. It's a classic about how the Tooth Fairy sometimes forgets what her job is and simply doesn't do it. Worst Parents Ever

Thanks for the laugh Mel. Lord knows, I needed it.

{This Moment}

2011-10-28T08:38:00.001-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

Where to Turn When No One Will Help?

2011-10-20T14:22:00.006-04:00

I've been very quiet about the personal issues I've been dealing with lately.

I've come to realize something though: while I'm dealing with them, they're not MY issues. They're LaGrande's issues. But they are plentiful. And I no longer know where to turn. Here's what's going on in my world at the moment. Hold onto your hats. It's a doozy of a ride; and here you thought the IF rollercoaster was something!

We're dealing with repeated self-mutilation. Some that has required hospital intervention.

Then came skipping classes.

Then it was lying to us and going to a rave with a friend.

Where she got drunk. Like TOTALLY drunk. So much so that she touted on Facebook in a private message, "I wasn't totally drunk. I still remember everything."

And took the next day to recover.

Next we found out about the drugs. It started with weed, then moved to speed.

And she is no longer taking her anti-depressants but states that she wants to die... just not to kill herself.

In the past two weeks, we've talked to her. Tried to get her to discuss what's going on. We're pretty open minded and fairly easy to talk to. But all this in one shot? Quite a bit to handle ain't it?

Then as a consequence of her actions, we grounded her for one month. She rebelled and said she refused to follow our rules. We handed her a suitcase. Then called Drug and Alcohol intervention. Who redirected us to the police. Who redirected us to mental health. Who redirected us to a shelter for women. Who redirected us back to mental health crisis intervention. Four hours later, intervention workers came. We reduced her grounding to 2 weeks; dependent on her actions in those two weeks it could be extended to the one-month original grounding.

That same night she asked to have a friend sleep over FFS!!! /boggle

This past weekend, her good friend tried to commit suicide. That was followed quickly by her own cutting (again). I had her mom come get her and take her to the hospital (I had to stay home with Petite). The hospital let her go. The next day, crisis intervention workers saw her at her mother's house.

No dice. We've spent the last two days shlepping her from hospital to intervention locations and everyone is passing the buck. No one will say, "She needs help. We will help her." Not. One. Soul. But we continue to try. Today started at a hospital; she got sent to another hospital... the same one she was at yesterday. They're saying she's not "serious" enough about her statements and she really doesn't mean it.

Next Hubby is bringing her to a walk-in mental health crisis centre. (Oh yes, Hubby has had to take a few days off work to deal with some of this too at this point. And I've been trying to schedule the family therapy sessions during my lunch hour.) While at that centre, La Grande will be told that she cannot come back to our home until we can get her some treatment, and she agrees to adhere to that treatment AND THEN MAKES THE DAMN EFFORT instead of flaunting it behind our backs, and telling her friends that she is "pretending" to be better so she can get off her anti-depressants.

Look, here's the long and the short of it: We have a two-year old. I work in law-enforcement. There are basic rules that must be enforced in our home to ensure job security and personal safety. We cannot continue to let her call the shots. Respect is paramount. I expect normal teenage crap. This shit ain't normal. Nor do we have to put up with it in our home.

What pisses me off though, what really gets me f*cking riled is this:

In this big, wide, supposedly great city, with apparently LOTS of resources, health care that is supposed to be stellar, and all that crap, the city where a teenager committed suicide last week because of bullying (LaGrande is bullied too; two days ago, another mom stood up for her to a bunch of teens... and their ignorant parents), no one, not one person, resource, location, program, whatever will say, "Yes, we can help her."

NOT ONE.

No one will help us. I need to ensure the safety of my family, myself, my home and my job. Enough.

I found out this morning she had a few hits off a bong with a friend on Monday afternoon. While she was grounded. And she knew that if she did it again, her bags would be packed for her.

Tonight we are packing her clothing and personal items. She will no longer be permitted to live in our home. When we see changes, real and pertinent changes, we may discuss reintroducing her to our family. Until then, for safety's sake, it just can't happen.

Bear with me everyone. It's been a very difficult few months and these last two weeks are really trying my patience. If you have experience with this sort of thing, feel free to weigh in.

Fifth Disease

2011-10-17T10:22:00.003-04:00

Yet again, this thing has reared its ugly head.

Petite has Fifth Disease. Again. Or rather... still.

Two weeks ago, on Friday, September 30, we noticed this rash. It looked a bit like hives in some spots. It looked itchy, but it didn't seem to bother her at all. She was a little sensitive and touchy, but other than that, she was happy and playing just as normal.

Over the course of the weekend, the spots and rash migrated, disappearing from her torso and reappearing on her legs, her arms, her face (I know why it's also called "Slapped Cheek Syndrome"!), and other areas. And then, it subsided by Sunday night, and on Monday morning, October 3, she was fine again.

Until last Friday.

And on Friday morning, my caregiver called me to say that Petite had "hives" in a few spots on her body, asking if we'd given her any different foods, or changed detergents or anything. Nada. By Friday night, her underarms exhibited the same nasty rash again. And over the weekend, the rash and hives did the same thing: they migrated, moving around from torso to legs, to face, to arms and (almost) everywhere in between. This morning, it was her legs that were covered. I do mean "covered." There was barely a spot on her legs that didn't have some degree of redness.

To appease my fears and reassure our caregiver, Hubby took Petite to the clinic this morning. The verdict is in: Fifth Disease, just as we suspected. It can last up to three weeks or so. We still have another week to go apparently.

At least she's cleared for daycare and she's still happy and energetic.

***************

Sending love and wonderful wishes to Kelly who had her little girl on October 13. Congratulations Kelly, as you enjoy these first amazing days. It's never boring and it's the most rewarding thing you'll likely ever do! Welcome Blakely!

{This Moment}

2011-10-14T15:07:00.001-04:00

The Winner of "Win a Baby!" is ANNOUNCED!

2011-10-11T09:07:00.003-04:00

This morning at 7:15, I was glued to the radio. I had to hear the results of the contest.

The New HOT 89.9 was about to announce the winner of their (controversial) contest, "Win a Baby!" And there was no way I was going to miss it.

Hubby was up and getting Petite into her jacket and sneakers, getting her ready to go with me to daycare for the day. I was ready to go out the door, purse and lunch sitting in the front hallway so we could run as soon as I heard the announcement and switched off the radio to head out for my day.

But for those few moments, I was totally engrossed in the announcement. All five couples were at the radio station, live on the air with Mauler, the host. And one or two took to the air to say thank you to the radio station for putting on the contest at all and giving them the opportunity to hope.

And then the moment of truth. Who gets to win a baby?

Mauler took the envelope from Josie, the program director at the station. He opened it and said, "The winner of the Win a Baby contest is...

...

...

all of you. You ALL get up to $35,000 worth of infertility treatments."

Many tears were shed. And I'm not talking about at the station.

In my kitchen, with Petite and Hubby watching and listening, I started to sob with relief for all of these couples. I was totally overcome with joy and hope. What an incredible gift. I knew it would be emotional and really, it didn't matter to me WHO won, just that someone, one lucky couple would get the opportunity of a lifetime.

Hearing that all five couples get that opportunity, well that just blows me away. It's wonderful. It's incredible. It's life-changing. It's a huge weight taken off their shoulders and their hopes and dreams have a place to be channeled now.

What a beautiful, wonderful thing this radio station has done for five lucky couples. Five families. Five extended families. For their friends. For everyone that surrounds them with love and hope and joy.

I clapped my hands and wept with joy for each of them. Because they now have the opportunity to try to bring a new life into this world. And that is the greatest gift of all.

Congratulations to all the winners. May the treatments succeed and may your lives be changed forever in the most wonderful of ways. I only hope you all have the blessed opportunity to have what Hubby and I have; it truly is amazing.

This Moment

2011-10-07T13:25:00.003-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

Who gets to "Win a Baby"? / Life's Sh*tstorm

2011-10-05T10:27:00.006-04:00

The New HOT 89.9 is in the voting process for their sensational contest, "Win a Baby."

Alas... Hubby and I are not one of the five finalists. I wish we were. But we're not. Five couples have been chosen and while the ads on the station discuss the mountain of applications (over 400!) that came in, and the fact that they wish they could grant the wishes of every applicant, it is only the five finalist couples that have the opportunity.

So as an infertile, who is a proponent of voicing infertility issues, who is trying to raise awareness, I pass on the link to all of you, others in the community, who may wish to weigh in with your vote.

Which couple should win? Good question. I have my preferences of course, and my reasons for voting as I did. When I read the story snippets that are outlined on the radio station's website, there were things that jumped out at me, indicators, that said, "Yeah, I can relate to this couple." Or, "Not at all. This couple could do X, Y, or Z to get pregnant. They don't need IVF."

But I let you determine for yourselves. Who would you vote for? Go to The New HOT 89.9's website and read the information and cast your own vote. Keep in mind that the numbers of votes each couple receives is not visible. And in the end, the suitability of the couple will determine whether they receive treatment; just because they have the most number of votes doesn't mean automatically that they will receive the IVF treatments.

***** ***** ***** *****

In my world, I have a lot of things going on at the moment. Some aren't so positive. In fact... let's be honest. I have a fair sh*tstorm I'm dealing with right now. It's not fun. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I could write pages and pages about the details, but should I? No. Probably not. Yes, it's what's affecting me at the moment; it IS my story right now. I can't say that it isn't my story to tell.

Mel's post today resonated with me. She talked about the "Shiny Happy Bloggers" and the need we feel to write only about the positive things in our lives, sometimes out of fear that someone will post a comment saying something to the effect of, "You have no right to feel this way and no right to complain. Look at how great your life is!"

I definitely feel that. While I recognize that many things in my life are so much better than others, there are things that aren't always great. There are tough times, believe it or not. I choose to write mainly about the positives, but there are days... dear God, there are days... *tears out hair* There are moments I want to scream and shout and hide away, because dealing with so much crap thrown at me is frustrating, draining, tiresome and it makes me angry. Right now, a professional thinks that I am dealing with much, much more than most people deal with. Certainly much more all at once than most people have to deal with. I'm generally a very positive person. I'm ambitious. I'm stubborn (to a fault) and I strive to make things work. I am logical and have rationale for my thoughts, ideas and actions. Usually. But sometimes, I just want to curl in a ball and make the world go away.

Then something makes me stop and think, "I have a beautiful little girl that loves me and who I love beyond words. Get over yourself." And I move on.

But that desire to curl in a ball still rears its head on occasion. This week is one of them. I don't know how much I want to write about it though. I should feel free to express myself on my own blog. One would think, right? I wish. I honestly do wish. Mel said it best:

Writing your way through your emotions is more important than pleasing a reader. Because at the end of the day, you shouldn’t care what I think. You shouldn’t be catering to me — you should be catering to you and what you need to say because YOUR blog is YOUR space.

A Sense of Humour

2011-09-27T09:15:00.003-04:00

(Children mentioned in this post.)

Petite's got herself a sense of humour! Just like her Daddy and her big (half-) brother. I love it.

Last night at dinner, Petite was happily eating her meal, no problem and LaGrande and I were discussing the day and upcoming plans over our dinner. Next thing we know, Petite holds up her hands and shrugs, saying, "Fork?"

We turned to look at her (she's in her highchair at the corner of the table between LaGrande and me) and we didn't see her fork at all. So we start looking. Did she drop it on the floor? No, we would have heard it. Did she drop it beside her leg in the high chair? No, not there. Was it under her tray? Nope, not there either. Where in heavens did it go?

A couple of minutes of looking and LaGrande and I were totally perplexed. Petite was giggling her butt off though. We thought she found it funny that LaGrande and I stopped eating to look for her fork.

But the little stinker! She laughed aloud, a broad smile on her face and she reached behind her back and pulls out her fork, holding it high in the air, triumphantly. We laughed with her. Of course, then it was a game; she did it repeatedly and I held up my hand to my forehead, as if searching the horizon, saying, "Where's the fork? Here fork! Come here forky, forky, forky!" calling loudly for the fork to come back. And we repeated the search for fun, all to amuse her and hear her laugh.

It was fun. I love to watch her little personality develop and shine. She's a sweet, loving, gorgeous little girl. And I am SO blessed. Don't I know it.

A Handful of Busy

2011-09-23T09:39:00.003-04:00

There's a lot going on right now and just trying to keep up is getting the better of me. As evidenced by the dizzy spells I've had this week. Two people said I really ought to get my doctor to check it out, but I expect it'll pass. At least, that's what I'm banking on.

I'm researching the answers to the questions that I'll be asked on camera on Monday for the TV interview that I'll be doing. I hope I can convey the points that Conceivable Dreams is looking to convey. Wish me luck.

My doctor called yesterday: she is referring me for an MRI for my right heel. I've had pain for more than a year now and I started physio last week. The physiotherapist said, "That's an Achilles tear. Partial or full, I don't know. But that's all Achilles, not bursitis," and he asked for the name of my doctor. I can only surmise that it was his doing that helped get me that referral. We'll see what happens. I have physio again tomorrow morning.

Today is Friday. I usually try to do a This Moment post. Alas... I have no photos for you. Well, I do. But I haven't downloaded them yet. I promise I will. I just need to try to find some time. My time is so tight these days, that I haven't even had a chance to call my own mom this week! And that's a shame. Because I know so many of us have lost our moms already, all all of you would be beating me with a stick saying, "Call your mother!" I'll try to squeeze that in tonight after bathtime routines.

Children mentioned hereafter: Life/Petite Update

Hubby is working 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. (or sometimes 4 p.m. to midnight) so I see him for maybe 15 minutes per day: some in the morning, and a few minutes in the evening if I'm lucid enough to chat for a few when he gets home. It's tiring me out though. I am keeping tabs on LaGrande and her whereabouts and social life (as required of any 16-year old!) and of course, caring for Petite when I'm not at the office. I make up the menus, do a lot of the shopping and deal with meals, sometimes with Hubby's or LaGrande's help for example, in preparation or just putting something in the oven and turning it on before I get home from work with Petite.

And there are nights like Wednesday, when Petite refuses to go to sleep. After a bedtime story, and a snack and milk, she needs to brush her teeth. While she's sleepy when she's having her milk and story, getting her up to do her teeth wakes her up and then she plays and tosses and turns for an hour or more. Wednesday, she didn't go to sleep until almost 10 p.m.! It's crazy. I tried starting the routine earlier last night, and she went to sleep by about 8:50. Still late, but better than 9:50! I sometimes fall asleep next to her but it isn't the ideal situation, now is it? Ugh.

Petite continues to do amazingly well with using the toilet. So much so that at daycare yesterday, she took her nap in her panties, rather than a diaper. Last night after dinner, she peed a little at the kitchen table and immediately stopped herself, exclaiming, "Pee!" LaGrande took her to the washroom and Petite finished the job. She does this on a regular basis now, if she ever starts to have an accident. No big deal. I'm glad that we have hardwood and laminate flooring!

She needs another haircut now too. As an infant, her hair grew excruciatingly slowly! But wow, has it ever picked up the pace! I can't see her eyes anymore. And I need to have it trimmed before we go to the pumpkin patch and Saunders Farm next month for our traditional Halloween outing with the family.

LaGrande got a part-time job and we're thrilled for her of course! It does throw a monkey wrench into the family outings and such, but it's okay. After all, it's what is supposed to happen. And honestly, having a job will give her a boost of confidence again. Good for her! We all need someone to believe in us (other than our parents!) now and then. I'm so proud!

Anyway, all that to say I'm just tuckered out. Life is dealing me a handful of busy and I'm dealing with it. While I'm still reading all of your blogs, I rarely get time for my own. Bear with me; this too shall pass. And I'll upload pics as soon as I get them.

Sending love to...
A shout out to Michelle, who after 35 weeks, had a C-section last night because pre-eclampsia was about to rear its ugly head. Her twins have arrived! We're waiting for updates, but all reports are good. Go say hi and tell her congratulations!

I'm also watching Kelly's blog closely because she is also 35 weeks and almost ready to meet her little girl. I hope everything goes smoothly for her!

Denial of Treatment to the Obese

2011-09-21T08:54:00.004-04:00

I heard this on the news this morning: Canadian infertility doctors are considering adopting a policy that would prevent obese women from obtaining fertility treatments. (See: Globe and Mail Article: Canadian MDs consider denying fertility treatments to obese women)

Some studies suggest obese women need more fertility drugs to produce enough eggs during an IVF cycle. This can obviously sometimes result in adverse reactions and side-effects to the drugs required.

Some studies also suggest that obese women are more prone to complications during pregnancy, such as gestational diabetes, high blood pressure (and thus possibly strokes) which would negatively affect the pregnancy.

However, others are arguing that, for example, treatment isn't denied to smokers, who statistically are more prone to having pre-eclampsia during the pregnancy or underweight babies at birth.

Those of you who know me in person, yes, I am obese. My BMI would present a problem for many fertility clinics. However...

My blood pressure is fine.

I do not have diabetes.

I do have long-term thyroid issues.

I have PCOS. (Both this and the thyroid have contributed to higher weight and a difficulty in losing weight.)

I do go to the gym between 3 and 5 times per week (for 1+ hours at a time).

According to my doctor, I am perfectly healthy.

I confess, I would like to lose between 20 and 50 pounds. But that will still see me with a BMI that is "obese."

And yet... our first IVF worked. I had no problems during the pregnancy. My blood pressure remained great. I had no problems with gestational diabetes. I made sure my thyroid levels were good during the pregnancy. The entire 40 weeks were completely unremarkable in fact. I only gained 9 pounds.

The only time I had trouble in the pregnancy was because of a gall bladder attack, and that is not specific to obese women; it occurs with a large percentage of women who are pregnant. My gall bladder has since been removed.

So should I, by definition be denied treatment? No. I don't believe so. I believe in evaluating the individual, individually. I don't believe that blanket statements or policies which don't take into consideration underlying causes or lifestyle factors is beneficial for the population as a whole.

If Canadian infertility doctors had already adopted this policy, I would never have had the opportunity to be a mommy the first time. I would never know the joy of my little girl. Never feel her kisses or hear her laughter. Never know the fun of experiencing life through her eyes.

If Canadian infertility doctors adopt this policy, I will never have the opportunity to have a second child. And I weigh less now than I did when I did our first IVF.

I'm troubled by this sort of thinking. I am cognizant of the fact that yes, many women can benefit from losing weight before infertility treatments. Absolutely. But I don't necessarily think that denial of treatment simply based on BMI is the right way to go. Not at all.

This saddens me. Many couples and women in this country can be great mothers, and weight has nothing to do with how well (or poorly) they treat their children.

In Canada, another factor comes into play: money. The almighty dollar. For in most provinces, my own included, fertility treatments are not covered by the health care system. So if patients are knowledgeable and aware of the risks, the treatment, the cost, as well as the issues that obesity brings to the table, in the end, it is THEIR money. They should be permitted some determination on how to spend it, should they not? Essentially, a doctor would be restricting a patient from trying, even though the cost of trying is burdened solely by the patient. I suppose there's also the cost of caring for the patient in the event of complications though; that is covered by the health care system so maybe that is why this comes into play.

All in all, a very tricky path to be on. For if treatments are restricted and unavailable to the obese or those with a body mass determined to be too high, where do we stop? Do we then ban treatment for smokers? For those with chronic diseases? For those who drink 'too much'? What about incomes? Can we study the bank accounts of those who walk into infertility clinics?

When are we taking it too far?

Getting the Message Out; Covering Infertility Treatments is EXACTLY What We Need!

2011-09-20T09:11:00.008-04:00

I had a couple of people ask about links to the podcast and articles that were uploaded after my French interview with Radio-Canada. I found two articles that discussed the interview I gave.

Traitements de fertilité : l'Ontario suivra-t-il l'exemple du Québec?
(Fertility Treatments: Will Ontario Follow Quebec's Example?)

Des couples ontariens profitent de la campagne électorale pour inciter les
trois principaux partis à offrir des traitements de fertilité gratuits, comme au
Québec.

Des milliers de couples sont infertiles en Ontario.
Une station de
radio d'Ottawa en profite d'ailleurs pour faire tirer trois traitements
gratuits.

Coût exorbitant
Il s'agit d'un concours controversé pour
plusieurs, mais pas pour Gillian Wood, d'Ottawa, qui a dépensé
38 000 dollars en traitements, avant d'accoucher d'une fille il y a
deux ans.

Elle voudrait un deuxième enfant, mais n'a pas l'argent pour
s'offrir le traitement.

Mme Wood fait partie du groupe Conceivable Dream, qui
demande aux partis ontariens de s'engager à rembourser le coût des traitements
de fertilité, comme au Québec.

L'animateur de la station privée d'Ottawa, qui
fait « tirer » un bébé, lui donne raison. « Nous espérons que le
gouvernement comprendra que cette question est importante pour beaucoup de
gens. », dit Jeff Mauler.

And the second article:
Des Ontariens reclament la gratuité de la procréation assistée
(Ontarians Demand Free Assisted Reproduction)

Des couples ontariens profitent de la campagne électorale
provinciale pour demander aux trois principaux partis la gratuité des
traitements de fertilité. D'autres provinces canadiennes ont déjà emboité le
pas. C'est le cas au Québec, où les traitements de procréation assistée sont
couverts par le Régime de l'assurance maladie depuis un an. C'est un modèle semblable que réclame le groupe
Conceivable Dream, qui demande aux partis de s'engager à payer les traitements
de fertilité.

Gagner un bébé
Une station de radio privée d'Ottawa profite
de la campagne électorale pour faire tirer un bébé. Lancé la semaine dernière,
le concours permettra au couple gagnant de se faire rembourser trois traitements
de fertilité, d'une valeur de 35 000 $. Les animateurs de la station
joignent leur voix à celle du groupe Conceivable Dream. Ils disent espérer que
le gouvernement ontarien comprendra que cette question est importante pour
beaucoup de citoyens.

Bien que le concours soit controversé, il est bien perçu
par de nouveaux parents qui ont dépensé une fortune en traitements de fertilité.
C'est le cas de Gillian Wood, du groupe Conceivable Dream. Elle croit que cela
permettra à un couple qui n'en a pas les moyens de réaliser son rêve.

"C'est une démarche coûteuse. Nous avons dû débourser environ 38 000 $ pour
avoir un premier bébé. Une somme que j'ai mise sur ma carte de
crédit."
— Gillian Wood, Conceivable Dream

Mme Wood ajoute qu'elle
voudrait un deuxième enfant, mais qu'elle ne peut tout simplement pas se
l'offrir. Elle songe même à participer au concours.

To listen to the podcast:

Go to the Radio-Canada website. (http://www.radio-canada.ca/regions/ottawa/bulletins.asp)

On the right side of the page, in the calendar, navigate to septembre 2011 (September 2011).

Again, in the calendar on the right, click on Tuesday, September 13. You will see a list of broadcasts that aired during that week.

Scroll down to mardi 13 septembre 2011 (Tuesday, September 13, 2011).

Under the Régional section, click on Bulletin régional CBOF 7 h 30.

Next Monday at 1:00 p.m., I've been asked to appear in a local French-language TV spot (Entre-Nous) discussing the issue of infertility, treatments available, Conceivable Dreams and our own story. It'll air live; I expect I'll be able to link the podcast or broadcast details at a future point. Wish me luck!

By the way, yes, I submitted our application to HOT 89.9's contest "Win a Baby." Wouldn't it be amazing to discuss infertility on the air and (hopefully) try to add to our family at the same time? Wish us luck. We'll need every bit we can get.

Radio Interview

2011-09-12T16:22:00.004-04:00

CBC Radio Canada in Ottawa (90.7)...

Interview with me about Conceivable Dreams, The New HOT 89.9's contest to "Win a Baby," what it cost us to get where were are and the need for provincial funding for infertility procedures.

The interview is in French and will be aired on Tuesday, September 13 at 7:30 a.m. with a repeat at 3:30 p.m. and snippets for TV reports accompanying new statistics that will be released tomorrow...

... that I'm not permitted to discuss yet. Listen in and find out.

Ah... election season. Gotta love it. :D

More on HOT 89.9's Contest to "Win a Baby!"

2011-09-07T10:20:00.006-04:00

A couple of days ago, I read a local blogger's post (Yumi at To Infertility and Beyond) about the contest at The New HOT 89.9. She expressed her concerns extremely well I believe. In response to her concerns, I wrote the following. I wanted to post it in her comments section, and I will when I get a moment. But here are my thoughts on her points:

*****************

I understand your point of view. Absolutely. However, I do disagree on some of the issues you spoke about.

Having been part of the Conceivable Dreams brainstorming session earlier this year (see my blog post at http://thehardestquest.blogspot.com/2011/03/27-now-thats-drop.html on March 1, 2011) I spoke with the director of the OFC who was already in the process of negociating this contest at that time with HOT 89.9. Everyone at the brainstorming session, REs (including Dr. Leader), the OFC psychologist (Dr. Gervaize) patients (current and former), and those involved with the infertility awareness community were wholeheartedly in support of the initiative because it -raises- awareness. Getting the Ottawa area listeners involved and learning about their own fertility, hearing how difficult it can be for some patients, realizing that a lot of money is required and that the procedures are not covered for Ontario residents, and of course, bringing the infertility issue to the table with the Ontario election at hand, were all reasons why we thought it was a fantastic way to get people paying attention to the problem. Infertility is a health crisis in our society. One in 6 couples is infertile. And it's still such a taboo topic that people are afraid to talk about it, share their stories, lobby government for change, etc. It's slowly changing but this type of contest and the immense publicity that it entails is exactly what might help us get it out there.

I went through IVF in 2008. I've been writing an infertility blog since 2006. I've already been so very public with our struggles and sharing the stories of other blogging friends. I would truly welcome the opportunity to sit behind a microphone at HOT 89.9 and speak to the problem, raise awareness, discuss statistics and help people become aware of the process, grief, worry, fear and immense joy (or alternatively, depths of pain) that a beta test brings. I would hope that whoever wins this contest is well aware of the requirements and is willing to do the same.

The one item that I do take minor issue with is the terminology. (I'm a writer; I'm picky about stuff like that!) "Win a Baby" isn't correct of course. Because we all know that going through treatment, no matter how great the prognosis might be, well... it doesn't always yield a live birth. Good Lord no. It might yield a miscarriage. Or a tubal pregnancy requiring surgery. It may (heaven forbid) result in a stillbirth. But even those things would be helpful for the public to realize. No, it isn't win a baby... rather "win a CHANCE at having a baby". Or "Win the money to go towards trying to have a baby!" But I do see the point of view from the marketing department: "Win a Baby" just screams sensationalism and yes, controversy. As they say, any publicity is good publicity. I have to set that on the backburner and look at the contest itself. A rose by any other name...

I will be entering the contest and although I doubt I'll get far as I've already had immense success with IVF (spending almost $40K to get there), I just hope that whoever wins does a wonderful job of sharing their story and infertility issues to the public. THAT will be a success in my view.

You can find my own journal and journey at http://thehardestquest.blogspot.com/.

Thank you for writing about your point of view. Again, discussion and raising awareness is the goal so I think it's great that we can engage in this sort of chat about such an important topic.
Gil
******************************

In the last day or so, there's been a whole lot more publicity about the contest.
Ottawa Citizen
Metro
Huffington Post
Even our own Stirrup Queen posted her viewpoint! (YAY! Thank you Mel!)

As mentioned in the Ottawa Citizen:

Fertility treatments are a bizarre and simply wrong prize on many levels - the commodification of childbirth, for one. But the radio station may be on to something.

Despite the ethically questionable premise and the awkwardness of future parents having to explain their child's connection to the contest ("that's your radio station, honey, we won you in a contest"), the "win a baby" promotion may, in fact, serve a useful - if unintended - purpose when it comes to helping couples have babies, by raising awareness about how common infertility is, especially when childbearing is delayed. And the best time to start people thinking about that is early.

In fact, that is EXACTLY the intended purpose. To raise awareness. This radio station has a demographic of teenagers and mostly 20-somethings. I think they aim for the under 35 set. (I'm not their normal demographic I know, but I like the music! So sue me.)

And as Mel rightly pointed out, the posters are rather misleading. Okay, it's a downright lie. You can't actually WIN the baby. Of course not. But that is what the posters say. People believe, incorrectly, that having IVF yields a live, healthy baby. We all know this isn't true. We all know the stories of women here in our IF circles who have heartbreaking stories to tell about miscarriages or stillbirths after IVF. About tubal pregnancies. About birth defects that were unexpected. About the stress of going through the IVF in the first place!

As Mel said, the posters serve to perpetuate "this myth that fertility treatments work each and every time. That it’s closer to corrective surgery vs. a game of roulette." That's the issue I have too. Because really, IVF is roulette.

Win, and you win big.
Fail, and a piece of you dies inside.
The dreams and hopes go down the toilet.

That is exactly why I really hope that whoever wins this contest can speak to the issues and tell the real stories of how this works. Tell the listeners about the stress. The grief. The pain. The 'not knowing.' As my readers know, I spent my entire pregnancy worrying about Petite. I really did. Throughout the pregnancy, it was my goal to make it through one day at a time. Just to get from one milestone to the next. That's all I could focus on. The stress never left me at all. Up until after she was born and declared healthy and well, I worried nonstop. I held my breath as they examined her right after birth for heaven's sake, expecting the worst to happen. ALWAYS. That never goes away. Or at least, it didn't for me. Some of us are able to let go and enjoy the pregnancy and all that, but it was never me. That's for certain.

As to those who are turning away from the station, thinking that the contest is disgusting or immoral, I wonder what would happen if they watched their family dwindle in size, no children on the horizon to take on traditions. No opportunity to share family recipes. No one to share stories with around the dinner table. Are they speaking from experience? Do they realize how heartbreaking infertility is? As has been proven, studies show that being diagnosed as infertile is akin to a diagnosis of cancer. The grief is equivalent (I do not speak from experience, but I know infertiles that can on this point). The grieving process is the same.

And to the listeners who are saying, "Just adopt," well, there's a whole lot of things wrong with that statement. No, it's not the genetic link that people are necessarily searching for. But think about it for a moment. Think about the invasion of privacy that is required for the prospective parents. The exorbitant costs involved (I know one woman who paid over $60,000 to adopt a newborn). The excruciating wait that may never end; a friend of mine and her husband have been waiting for 9 years. NINE. They've not yet been 'chosen' to be adoptive parents and it breaks their hearts. Think about those who have been chosen only to have that shattering moment at the end when a birth mother changes her mind at the last minute. Literally. It's so difficult. It's more difficult to adopt than it is to do IVF. Most definitely.

As mentioned on the Conceivable Dreams' Facebook page, all listeners should be contacting our Member of the Legislative Assembly of Ontario (Find my MPP) and let them know that we shouldn't have to pin our hopes for family building on winning a radio contest.

A New School Year Begins

2011-09-07T09:00:00.004-04:00

Children are mentioned in this post; I feel I've been slack about noting that. So I'm going to try to be more diligent about mentioning it.

School started yesterday for the 2011–12 year. I'll be honest, I've rarely paid attention to the new school year starting. I mean seriously, when would an infertile take time to focus on an activity/event that is specifically for or about children? Once in awhile, I'd go shopping with my girlfriend's daughter for new school clothes. But other than that, I've largely ignored school schedules, bussing information, registration, dates, etc. However, all that has changed.

My stepdaughter, LaGrande, moved in with her dad and me over the summer. She is in her senior year of high school and she changed schools (and school boards) for her final year. This was at her impetus; her dad and I made sure she was aware that she could stay at her old school if she wanted to. She was anxious and excited about a new start and I hope she makes the most of the opportunity. Both her dad and I (and her mom too) are trying to give her what she needs to move forward and do great things with her life. Now if I could just get her to tidy her room!

Another great thing: she's been looking for a job over the summer and yesterday, a local party store called to speak to her about a possibility. She hopes to connect with them today. I am keeping my fingers crossed for her. Think good thoughts for her please!

Because of Hubby's current schedule (he works 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. every day) I fear I'm not going to be able to rejoin the church choir this fall. I wish I could. LaGrande offered to babysit on Thursday evenings while I'm at choir, but that means I'd be taking her away from her studies. And frankly, in her senior year, I want to give her the absolute BEST chance at getting good marks. So I don't want to take advantage of her like that or put her in a tough position right off the bat. If perchance it works out that Thursday evenings she's a little more free, then I may take her up on it. But for now, I fear I'm going to have to keep to the strict routine I have going for myself and Petite so we can make this work for everyone and help LaGrande get great marks too. As well, with some luck, she will have a job for the fall and winter, I need to give her time and space to apply herself to that responsibility and learn to earn her way in life. So it was with regret that I sent an e-mail to the choir director and apologized profusely for not being able to attend at the moment. I will miss it; I really enjoyed it very much. I'm not giving it up entirely as I hope to join along later in the year. But for now, it just won't work. Maybe Hubby's schedule will change later on and that might let me attend. To be continued, I'm sure.

Petite returned to daycare yesterday after it was closed for vacation last week. This week, a new little girl has joined the daycare. Things are changing there and the coming months will see Petite losing a friend or two at daycare and gaining two more. You see, here's who the daycare provider had last year:

All Day

Petite (1 year)

N (boy; 2 years)

O (boy; 3 years)

K (boy; 4 years... daycare provider's son who went to school for half a day)

Before and After School

R (girl; 6 years)

C (boy; 8 years and R's brother)

N (boy: 7 years, daycare provider's middle son)

M (boy; 11 years, daycare provider's oldest son)

So Petite had three little boys around her all day long. This summer, O was switched to another daycare that had hours which coincide with the school he'll be attending. Now, in the fall, the youngest boy, N, is going to change providers too as he's almost three and able to go to some structured classes at the private school where he'll be going. And K, the daycare provider's youngest son is now in school full time. Poor Petite is going to be all alone!

But over the summer, two more little girls joined the flock! M started at the daycare yesterday; she's about 20 months so very close in age to Petite. Petite already wanted to share her sleep stuffie Pooh Bear with M at nap time yesterday. I expect they'll be close as they get to know each other better. And in about a month's time, another little girl, A, will join the crew. She's only one year old though... so Petite goes from being the youngest to the oldest in one fell swoop! I trust she will be good and caring with the smaller ones. She shows so much concern for others and is genuinely touched by their emotions. It's sweet.

A HUGE development yesterday:
Petite did Number 2 in the toilet! She went with LaGrande to go to the potty when prompted (she's still in diapers, but learning how to read the cues and express her needs) and when she sat down, she said, "Poo poo" and she held LaGrande's hand and did a poop in the toilet! I was so happy for her! She knows she gets smarties when uses the toilet and I obliged quite happily. I gave her a huge hug, picked her up and hugged her tight, kissing her. I told her, "We're going to have to go shopping for panties soon!" She repeated with a grin, "Panties!" and clapped her hands. My gosh. I can't believe it. I,m so thrilled that she's getting it! Good for her!

Halloween is fast approaching. Petite has already expressed a desire to be either a ghost or a monkey. Both of which she can certainly do well, as her "Boo" and "Ee ee, ooooh, ooooh" are perfected. I mentioned it to my sister and bless her, she found a great monkey costume for a wonderful price and picked it up for us! YAY! A monkey it is! When I get the costume, I'll dress Petite in it and have her practice! It should be cute! We'll have to visit some friends and certainly the daycare. We'll pop around to a few houses too. I love to decorate for Halloween. It's been hard though; we live on a dead-end street (a cul-de-sac). And many people around us are older or retired and they don't celebrate. So we've had NO kids visit our house for Halloween in recent years. It just isn't a good area for Trick-or-Treating. But we have Petite now. So even if no one comes to our house, we'll have to make a point of decorating anyway and we'll make sure she gets to go Trick-or-Treating. I remember enjoying Halloween so much as a child. I want to make it special for her too.

The weather is changing. We're thinking about closing our pool. Our windows get closed at night these days. I've had to wear a light jacket to work in the mornings. I'm rummaging for shoes that are not sandals! And the provincial election is on the horizon. More about that to come. I saw the first signs posted in my neighborhood on the way to work this morning. I'll muse on the election in the coming days and the hopes that I have for the radio contest mentioned in the last post, as I expect the topic of infertility to be raised this time around.

I hope everyone out in Blogland has had a good summer. Mine was tough and not that great. But we move on and we get ready for fall activities and events and the coming hibernation of winter. May it bring better things for everyone. Love to all.

HOT 89.9; Win a Baby

2011-09-06T13:44:00.004-04:00

You read that right. You can WIN a baby.

For those of us in the Ottawa area, my hunch was right. The local radio station, The New HOT 89.9, is sponsoring a contest. And the winner can WIN A BABY.

Okay, not a baby per se. Though the bus shelter ads are pretty neat, there's a disclaimer that the baby pictured not be exactly as shown! But the winner can win up to three fertility treatment procedures at the Ottawa Fertility Centre up to $35,000 in total.

Here's how it works:

Between Labour Day (appropriate!) and September 28, listeners in the Ottawa area can apply for the contest by going to the website and filling out the form. Early in October, a Judging Panel will review the submissions and select five finalists (and one alternate). On Friday, September 30, those five finalists will be announced and their stories will be shared on the air. Listeners will then be invited to visit the station's website to vote for their choice of finalists. On Monday, October 10, the winner will be announced and they will have one year to follow up with the OFC for treatment, and their story shared with the listening audience.

Rest assured: I'll be applying. I am sure I have a hope in hell of winning.

Think about it. They're going to want some young, pretty thing, newly married, who's been trying for a couple of years with no luck and no money to ever get lucky. They're not going to choose someone with failed vasectomy reversals, with PCOS and hypothyroidism, who already did IVF for one child and now "only wants to have a second baby to be greedy."

Seriously. I figure that's probably how they'll see it. But I have to hope. Because this year, we've had a LOT of crap thrown at us and we're still surviving. We're still here. We ARE going to make it. We don't have the finances that we once did (and that is preventing us from moving ahead right now) but we're still holding on. So the possibility of The New HOT 89.9 being my financial stork? Hell ya. I'm good with that.

I'm working on my application right now. I promise I'll keep you posted.

Home

2011-09-02T07:58:00.015-04:00

As you all know, I took Petite "home" to Newfoundland for about 11 days in August. Ah yes, when I say "home" it always means back to Newfoundland. For while I reside and work in the nation's capital, I have no family here per se, and of course, I'm a Newf first and foremost... a Canadian second. (Remember, islanders only voted 51% to 49% to join Canada in the first place.)

Anyway, back at home, our first order of business was a haircut. We saw my hairdresser. She's been doing my hair since I was 8 years old; this wonderful lady has worked on my grandmother's hair, my mother's, mine, and now my daughter's hair. Four generations. We love her so much, we invited her to our wedding. She's more of a family friend now than just a hairdresser. Bless her too; she certainly knows her craft!

This is my new nephew, dozing peacefully on a blanket at my aunt's home. He's gorgeous. And such a good baby. My sister lucked out for sure!

My dad and Petite, playing in Bowring Park. She loved getting out and stretching her legs, running and playing with Poppy!

Again, Petite and Poppy. This time, they're feeding the ducks at Quidi Vidi (pronounced "Kiddy Viddy").

Petite and Auntie B, my mom's eldest sister. We went out for brunch one morning and had a lovely time.

Another of Petite with Auntie B. Here they are in the playground area of Bowring Park. Petite really loves the 'wings'!

My BIL and sister at Middle Cove. Pretty much any evening in the summer, you can go down to Middle Cove beach and make a fire on the beach, have a 'mug up' or just s'mores and snacks with friends. A great way to spend an evening, listening to the waves roll on the beach. Middle Cove is one of my top five favourite places in the world. And I love this pic. It turned out really well with the sun's fading colours behind them.

We even brought Petite to Middle Cove to have some fun and run around, dabbling her toes and hands in the water there. She was up way past her bedtime, but it was fun. Here we are together.

While at home, my sis and I took the kids to get photos done. Here's one of the best. My nephew is about 3 months old while Petite is almost 2 years old in this one.

Voilà. Our trip home in a nutshell. Yes, we had family and friends coming and going all week. We had a get-together to celebrate my nephew's birth. Aunts flew down from New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. A cousin flew down the day I left. Another flew down two days before my sister left. We had relatives pop by to see the kids. A former co-worker of my mom's came for lunch one day too for the same thing! (It's ALL about the kids; I'm not delusional!) Auntie B bought a new house and a car (she's downsizing) and I'm told that she sold her own home this week. I missed seeing a couple of friends because of illness in the family and simply poor scheduling and commitments. Such is life.

But for all the insanity, it's still home to me. It always will be. And I miss it terribly.

I know this is more than the usual "This Moment" post. I hope that's okay. I just thought you might like to see how our holiday went.

This week, Petite's daycare is closed for vacation. So to accommodate, I'm working 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. (through lunch and everything) to get home in time for Hubby to go to work for his 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. It makes for a long day. I'm really glad this is a long weekend; we can recuperate a little. But then again, LaGrande (my stepdaughter) goes back to school on Tuesday. We've got some shopping to take care of to ensure she's all ready. Wish me luck!

Oh yes! One more thing...

For those in the National Capital Region, I'm pretty sure that the recent ads I've heard on Hot 89.9, and the poster I saw while out walking two days ago, are indicative of the coming to fruition of an initiative that was discussed at the Conceivable Dreams gathering I attended earlier this year. Stay tuned for more info; I expect that "Labour Day" we may hear some more information. How apropos! :)

How Things Change

2011-08-29T08:25:00.010-04:00

August 27, 2009... we had this beautiful little one enter our lives.

August 27, 2010, we celebrated her first birthday, and we were amazed at the changes we saw in her. She was just walking, and cruising well with the furniture to help. Here she is in her Nana's lap.

This year, August 27, 2011, we celebrated her second birthday and we are grateful for the sweet-natured, kind, loving little girl we have in our lives. Happy Birthday Petite! Mommy and Daddy (and so many other people!) love you very much!

It was a successful day I think. We had approximately 30 people attend and we had a hot, sunny day for the party too, which was good because we had a pool party and a BBQ in our backyard. We started around 3 p.m. and by 7 or 8 p.m., we were done and dinner was mostly cleaned up. After a bath for Petite, and getting her to bed (she was exhausted!) I finished tidying, took a quick dip in the pool to cool off, and then Hubby, his kids, my girlfriend K and her daughter K... and the daughter's new boyfriend all played a board game and had munchies and drinks. It was fun. We saw them out the door by 11:30 and then collapsed in bed. Whew! Fun day. Long, warm, crazy FUN day to celebrate our little girl's second birthday.

Next up will be a post about my trip home to Newfoundland and hopefully (with my sister's approval) pics of the cousins together. It was a fun visit. Far too short at a mere 11 days, but fun nonetheless. I got a couple of great shots of Petite on the beach with me at home. We managed to get down to Middle Cove for a fire and s'mores one evening. How I miss that. I really do... So much so that while at home, I went down to the provincial office and talked to some folks in HR about possibilities. As usual, there's nothing at my level there. I have to be patient I suppose.

And I was so glad yesterday to squeeze in a couple of hours for us to go have brunch with Pam and V. We only get to see each other once a year (or so) but it always seems like we've gotten together with old, dear friends when we finally manage to get together. Bless them. I am keeping fingers crossed that their upcoming FET yields the success they have been longing for.

Two Years Ago

2011-08-25T15:07:00.005-04:00

Two years ago today...

on August 25, 2009...

(on my EDD in fact)...

at 40 weeks exactly...

at 10:15 that evening...

my water broke.

I remember every moment, like it was yesterday. My mom and my aunt were upstairs. Hubby and I were in the basement; I was on my computer, copying MP3 files to my MP3 player for the hospital. The absolute last task I needed to complete to say I was 'ready' for whenever Petite made an appearance.

Hubby went upstairs, leaving me in the basement alone. I finished up the copying and took the SD card from my computer. And as I was logging off... pop.

I felt the water before anything else and I jumped up before it gushed everywhere, and went to the bathroom which was about 25 feet behind me. Yanking down my shorts, I sat down quickly on the toilet, baby moving vigorously in my belly. The liquid just kept coming, and coming, and coming. Non stop. I knew it wasn't pee; I could just tell. I just knew. I remember putting my hand over my mouth and thinking, "This is it. This is it. My water just broke! I'm going to have a baby." I was in awe. Totally amazed at the process. I remember it was pale/clear. Not yellow like urine. Or red to indicate a problem. I remember it got all over my clothing, a little on my chair, and more again on the bathroom floor. I remember being VERY excited.

But I was alone in the basement. And no amount of yelling would have brought anyone to me; they wouldn't have heard. So I waited. Water flowed. Eventually, I heard someone come downstairs. It was my aunt. She was coming to the washer and dryer, not far from the bathroom. I called to her through the walls and said, "Can you get Hubby please?" She said she would and went back upstairs with the basket of laundry. He came downstairs and I told him, "Come in." I unlocked the door for him, stretching from the toilet. He found me on the toilet, wet from the waist down. "I think I need some towels." He stared wide-eyed, "Your water broke?" "Yup. We're going to have a baby."

I soaked through the towels he gave me. I actually took a shower before we went to the hospital as labour didn't start yet and we had time that hour in the evening. But I remember those moments as clear as day. I wore my brown maternity capris and a blue/brown maternity shirt to the hospital. I was leaking water all the way (I had a towel stuffed down my pants, but that still didn't stem the tide!) and I wore a smile as wide as the sun. I'm sure I did. I didn't care who saw my wet pants. I really didn't. For I was about to have a baby. And THAT made everything perfect.

************

Today, August 25, 2011, Petite is about to turn 2 years old. I am planning a Dora-themed party for our backyard pool on Saturday, her birthday (yes, I was technically in 'labour' for 45 hours, but labour had to be induced).

Today, August 25, 2011, my two cats, my babies that I brought back from Japan in 1996, turn 16 years old. My boys are my furbabies. They are inseparable. They have lost a lot of weight since Petite's birth and are wary of her. But they still love cuddles and love from me. And I love them. I snuggle with them at night, and cuddle them (when I can) during the day. My babies are the best.

Today, August 25, 2011, my darling cycle buddy, Vee, is about to celebrate her little Boo's second birthday too. But she is also mourning yet another loss. She has been through so many amazing highs and lows. Realizing she and her sweet husband Max needed IVF to have a child. Finding out Max had cancer. Success at IVF; and a due date (the same as mine!). Wondering if Max would be alive to witness the baby's birth. Having their little Boo come into their lives. Watching cancer deteriorate her husband's body. When Boo was merely 9 months old, she said goodbye to Max as he slipped away. Mourning his passing. Celebrating his life with amazing art, with the help of other IF bloggers! Realizing she needed a new start and she found a new place to live. Watching her Mum deteriorate from cancer. And now... this week, she mourns the loss of her Mum. I know she is aching. I know she is in great pain and suffering from grief. Boo's Nonna didn't get to see their new house. She won't get to celebrate Boo's second birthday. Vee needs hugs. Oh so many hugs. Go say hello. Give her a hug. She needs as many as she can get right now.

Much love to all in blogland.

{This Moment}

2011-08-09T11:13:00.005-04:00

It's late, but better late than never, right? (Indulge me!)

I'm tied up at the moment; Petite and I fly home to the east coast in two days for an 11-day vacation. I cannot wait to meet my new nephew. And I know everyone is looking forward to getting a cuddle from Petite too. Other aunts (Petite's great-aunts) are flying down the same day as well, and my sister's husband will join us next week for awhile. The only key player missing is Hubby... and that with good reason as he's working at a new job and must put in the obligatory first few months of buckling down and keeping his nose to the grindstone.

On Sunday, August 7, Hubby and I celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary. We went out for dinner to mark the day... all four of us.

You read that right: all FOUR of us.

Hubby's 16-year old daughter has officially moved in with us. It's a transition for all of us to make, but we'll do okay. And I'm pleased to report that she's already doing better. I'm glad.

There's a lot going on. I'm still feeling a bit swamped, but I am crossing my fingers that life is on the upswing for us. Heavens knows, we need it badly right now.

Love to all in blogland, and special thoughts to Loribeth (The Road Less Travelled) who this past weekend, marked 13 years of having lost their dear daughter Kate. Hugs sweets; I know it was a hard weekend.

Humbling

2011-08-03T14:23:00.004-04:00

I am honoured, and humbled, that dear Keiko has written a sweet tribute to yours truly entitled "For Gil, Who Introduced Me to Blogging."

Keiko is an amazing woman, and as I said to her, while I may have encouraged her to blog about her own infertility journey, and find the community here, she has definitely run with that and made the infertility community stand up and take notice! Her video last year moved me to tears. Her continued prompts for advocacy and for understanding are moving. And her friendship has been wonderful.

Thank you Keiko. You didn't have to write this. Know that I am truly honoured. And I continue to have faith that you and your dear husband Larry will find the path to your own rainbow and get that pot of gold on the other side. Hugs and love sweetie. Always. :)

{This Moment}

2011-07-22T11:00:00.003-04:00

My Little Girl is Growing Up

2011-07-19T12:49:00.003-04:00

Name that sound...

"Tinkle tinkle tinkle"

You're right if you guessed a little girl peeing in the toilet!

For the last couple of months, Petite has shown an interest in using the toilet (we don't have a "potty" per se, just a child's seat that fits on the adult toilet seat), and she's been practicing by sitting on the toilet seat, wiping, washing her hands, etc.. As of yesterday morning, she put it all in practice. For the first time, she peed in the toilet! And she did us the pleasure of repeating the act for us again this morning. Yesterday it was just a few little dribbles. Today was a full bladder pee. Both happened right after she woke in the morning and we took her to try.

I'm so proud of her! She's almost 23 months old, and she's well on her way to being toilet-trained. I guess Mommy needs to invest in some pull ups or something. Or maybe I'll take a weekend (after our upcoming camping trip) and just practice with her in underwear only. I must take her shopping for big girl panties.

Like the title says, my little girl is growing up. *wipes a tear* And Mommy is very happy... but a little sad too.

Book Review and Giveaway! I LoVe my Family by Tammy Troute-Wood

2011-07-15T10:16:00.012-04:00

I've been promising this post for quite some time. I'm finally getting around to it.

A couple of months ago (when my life wasn't quite as insane as it seems to be at the moment), I saw a report on the evening news about a new book, a book written by a Canadian, that helps explain IVF and various family planning methods to young children. I confess, I didn't get to watch the news piece; Petite kept me otherwise occupied and away from the TV so all I caught was a little bit.

However, shortly thereafter, the publishers contacted me and asked if I would like a copy of the book to review on my blog and a couple of copies to give away to my readers. I was so very happy they'd gotten in touch!

Without further ado, voilà...

I loVe my Family
A book about assisted conception for young children.
Author: Tammy Troute-Wood
Illustrator: Brent Patrick Gough

I loVe my Family is believed to be the first book published in Canada that educates a very young audience on how babies are created through assisted reproductive technology including: IVF, egg donor, sperm donor, and surrogacy.
I loVe my Family gives Canadian parents a thoughtfully planned storyline to discuss the many forms of assisted conception with children 3 to 5 years old.
The book's use of diverse pictures, inclusive language, accurate anatomy and family activites provide a tool to explain all manners of assisted conception.
The book's central messages of love, hope and family are universal.
I loVe my Family is now available at Amazon.com

About the Author:

Tammy Troute-Wood (RN, MN) currently works as a Sexual and Reproductive Health Specialist in Calgary, Alberta. She has two children conceived by In Vitro Fertilitization. She feels passionate about helping professionals, families and parents increase their understanding and comfort to talk about sexual and reproductive health. She hopes that her book will provide parents with a resource to assist them to appropriate educate their children by opening the lines of communication. You can learn more about Tammy and her work at http://www.myivfbooks.com/.

The facts:
In Canada, 1 in 6 couples struggle with infertility.
50% of Canadians have been affected by infertility; either themselves, or someone they know have been affected.
A recent online survey found that 78% agree that everyone should have equal coverage for fertility treatments and 61% believed that provincial plans should cover treatments. (Conceivable Dreams, the Ontario Coalition for OHIP Funding)

My Review:
Honestly? The first time I read through this book, I barely got through it. And I wasn't even yet reading it to Petite! I had to blink back the tears. All the memories of our own experiences came flooding back and it was hard to read it with the lump in my throat. But I got through it. And I have to say, it's a good book. At a short 26 pages, with lots of colourful drawings, large typeface, easy language and even a little heart to find on every page, both adults and children alike will enjoy this.

There is appropriate discussion on the need for sperm and ovum to unite together and grow into an embryo, that needs to develop in a uterus. Even a glossary is included for those who wish to use different language. There are colouring pages (e.g., a big star for "Wishes") and activity pages. For parents, there's a "How to Use This Book" section at the end, that includes things such as "Share your family beliefs and values with your child. There's no right way to use the book, tell the story that fits for your family."

One recurring line in the book is the "wish to have a child, to kiss, and kiss, and kiss." When I read this book to Petite, she's frequently on my lap or next to me, and I punctuate each of the words "kiss" with a kiss on her little blonde head. She grins up at me and I just shatter into a million pieces.

This book applies to pretty much anyone who's had IVF (or possibly IUI). It's good for same-sex families, just as it is for single-parent families and for those who have used third party reproductive assistance (e.g., sperm/egg donor, surrogates).

It's a sweet little book and one that I've added to the rotation of "night-night" books in our house. In fact, this is exactly the type of book that I can envisage writing myself. I love the idea of writing explanatory books for children in age-appropriate language so that they can learn the story of their own family. I think it's important, so it's something I'm mulling over at the moment. Future work perhaps... to be determined. :)

And I have two copies to give away. The first two comments that indicate their interest will receive the books. I'll only be too happy to share!

My thanks go out to Siobhan Desroches of Fleishman-Hillard Canada Inc for having sent the copies for me and two of my readers. And thank you Tammy Troute-Wood for having written this informative, educational book. My little girl will certainly know that her story is special and while she is unique, many, many others in this world were wanted just as badly long before they ever came to be.

{This Moment}

2011-07-01T22:00:00.002-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

She figured out how to do this at her daycare this week, with no instruction or guidance from anyone at all, and it took her caregiver completely by surprise!

Three Strikes, You're Out

2011-06-27T11:12:00.004-04:00

I haven't posted much for a number of reasons. Some of which I'll get into here. Some of which I don't know how to get into.

I know I need to do a book review and giveaway; that really ought to be my next post. I've been tied up with family stuff lately and that's meant that the book review was put on the backburner. My apologies.

I'm frustrated at circumstances. And I don't know how to fix the problems that seem to be coming at me from every side right now. I don't know if they can be fixed. I'd usually write about that somewhere, like... oh... this blog. But for these issues, this is not the place. Too many of my friends and family read this (as it is an infertility blog after all, and heavens knows, we are still infertile.) But I need to get out the frustration somewhere and for me, writing is a really good way to do that However, as I tell my stepdaughter, "If you write something on the Internet, you need to imagine that it's on a 50 ft billboard in the middle of your school parking lot." And it's there for a LONG time to come. Like, forever. So no, this isn't the place to do it.

I'm angry most days. I'm trying not to be, but it's hard right now. I'm not angry at Petite. No, heavens no. That's not it at all. But I am angry. And I don't want my sweet little girl to think that her mommy is angry at her or angry all the time. That isn't fair. It's GOT to change. I'm trying to make it change... with a little help.

A few months ago, our van broke down. We had to find another vehicle and we did, although we thought (at the time) that it would just be temporary so we got something to 'make do' for a year or two. Looks like it'll be with us for a lot longer than that. *sigh*

Then the dishwasher broke down... three months out of warrantry. Nice. A service call from the large appliance repair section of an international retailer would cost over $100... and that's not even to FIX anything. We opted to wash dishes by hand, and consult with a local appliance repair company. They came, and for $60 told us that our one-year old dishwasher needs a new motor. Good Lord... you're kidding right?

Then, this past weekend, our dryer finally gave up the ghost. It's been sounding off for awhile now; I suspected the drive belt was seizing or was too brittle or something. Nope. It ain't the drive belt. Looks like it's the motor. *sigh* Now, as I posted on Facebook, I can make do with no dishwasher and do dishes by hand indefinitely. However, a clothes dryer is more crucial in Canada, given our weather. I called that ol' reliable international retailer's service department; guess what? To have a service or repair call for TWO appliances you need to pay TWO charges! How lovely. So even to come for an hour to diagnose the problem, if you have two appliances to repair, you'll pay them for two hours... or about $240. Mind you, the repair guy would have been at the house anyway for one appliance but apparently that doesn't apply. And then the phone call with this company was, ahem, conveniently disconnected. Nice. (I'm sure you can hear the sarcasm.)

Needless to say, I'm looking for a general handyman or electrician who can do some work on appliances. Ugh.

So that's the car, the dishwasher and the dryer. Bad things happen in threes right? Please universe, dear Lord, tell me that I'm done.

I've gotta be done.

NOTE: My apologies for not posting a photo last Friday; Petite's daycare was closed for the day so I was on Mommy duty all day long and didn't find much time.

**Edited to add: I grinned for a moment at Reproductive Jeans' Random Fact Friday for last week. She mentions carladderphobia. I have a bit of that. I also have RVbikerackphobia. Here's an example:

That stems from an incident in Montreal one time when an RV in the lane next to us on the highway lost three bikes off the back-mounted rack and they scattered all over the road. God knows the damage it did to the chassis of the vehicles next to and behind us; I called 911 to report it ASAP but it was too late. I don't know if anyone was injured but I do know it scared the life out of me to watch those bikes fall and wreak total havoc. Not fun.

{This Moment}

2011-06-17T06:35:00.001-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

My Nephew's Arrival!

2011-06-16T11:08:00.005-04:00

I never did tell you that my sister had her baby boy, did I?

Well, the long and the short of it is, she had the baby at about 10:25 a.m. on Tuesday, May 31. He was 8 lbs even (so much for the 10 lb ultrasound estimate more than a month prior to that!) and he measured a very long 22 inches. He's got huge hands and feet, deep set eyes, a shock of dark hair and he's so darn cute!

I found out about his arrival on my way out to Alberta. I was in transit in Toronto airport and had just exited a family washroom after changing Petite's diaper and taking a moment myself to use the bathroom... and I got the call.

I knew that my sister was in surgery; she had a c-section in the end. My nephew was far too comfortable in there and being two weeks late, they decided that it was time to serve him with an eviction notice. So they admitted my sister on the evening of May 29 and started cervadil to try to ripen/soften the cervix.

The next morning, they found that the cervadil had helped her dilate to 4 cms. However, that was just the exterior of the cervix. Higher up... a mere 1/2 centimetre. Bah! They tried more cervadil through the day on Monday, May 30. By Monday evening and overnight, it helped move the cervix along; she was at 4 cms. But still no voluntary contractions. Nothing. She walked. She went round and round, trying to get things moving, with no luck.

So they next tried Pitocin. Well, shortly after they gave that a shot, the baby's heart rate dropped significantly. And we know that's not a good thing. They eased up on it and his heart rate bounced right back. By this time, it was overnight Monday, getting into Tuesday. Tuesday morning, they tried Pitocin again. Same result: his heart rate dropped and they pulled back on that plan. Enough was enough, they just wanted him safe and sound. So it was determined at that point that a c-section would be best and she was prepped. I found that out around 10:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, and by 10:35, I had the phone call that my little nephew had arrived!

My sister is healing (she had a bit of an infection in the incision to deal with), but of course, it isn't the way she hoped any of this would happen. I am sure she's grieving in her own way. I just want her to know that she did the absolute best thing she could for her baby, and it's okay to be sad that she didn't get the birth experience that she hoped for. There are a lot of women out there who have had to change tactics at the last moment to ensure safe delivery of their baby. But they too did the right thing with the information they had at the time. And it's all right to be sad about it. The important thing is to focus on the new life you have in your arms and cherish what you DO have.

God knows, so many of us would do just about anything to have ANY sort of birth experience at all...

To my sis, if you're reading: I love you and you did GREAT. You did the right thing for your baby and thus, you're already a fantastic mom. I cannot wait to see you and my little nephew this summer. Kisses to all of you. Wish I could be there right now.

My mom is there and enjoying her newest grandchild, and her only grandson. Mom tells me about how different Petite is from my nephew. He is quiet and sleepy, very content and barely makes a murmur. For example: I called yesterday. Mom answered. She said both my sis and my BIL were out, but she was watching the baby. I said, "Oh, okay, I'll let you go." Mom replied, "It's okay. He's asleep in my arms." My eyes grew wide. I could hear the TV in the background. I knew the phone had rung. Huh?? He was ASLEEP through that?? Wild. What a concept! When the phone rang in our house, Petite would be wide awake and screeching her lungs out! And the notion of sitting quietly in your arms? Ha! Never happened with my little girl! God knows.

But I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, nor would I change one thing about her personality. She's loving, caring, sweet, inquisitive, friendly, happy and outgoing. And I'm lucky to be her Mommy.

Repost: Epic Grandma Fail

2011-06-11T10:20:00.005-04:00

I saw this awhile back and wanted to repost it because I thought it so a propos for the infertility community. I saw that Mo posted today and this resounds yet again as she and Will struggle with their choices.

FYI: I have other topics to post on, and a book to review (and two copies to give away) and I promise I'll get to that in the coming couple of days. I haven't forgotten!

Epic Grandma Fail (and no, this didn't generate from anyone that I know!)

My grandma sent me an email today with the subject line “U R AN AWESOME MOM”. (Curiously, she skipped sending this to one of her own daughters or to any of her grandchildren who actually ARE mothers.)

The text:

Awesome Mom
Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn’t worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom,
I didn’t know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn’t know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.
Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom
Send this to someone who you think is an awesome Mom.

I got indignant and composed a reply. I didn’t send it, because, well, wouldn’t that just positively ruin the Easter festivities? But I did want to share it with someone, so here goes:

Grieving Not-a-Mom
Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I never cried when people I loved announced their pregnancies
or complained about their kids.
I didn’t worry whether or not
I’d ever have children.
I never thought about the possibility that I might only ever be a mother to dead children.
Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I thought pregnancy equaled a baby.
Late nights.
Teething.
Expenses.
I thought I had complete control of my emotions
and my reproductive future.
I slept peacefully.
Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I never had the skin on my arm fall off
because of a RhoGAM shot.
Or not cared about that
because what does my discomfort matter
when my body failed my baby?
I never sat up late hours at night
crying hysterically.
Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I never spent all night reading medical journals
hoping there was something I could do to prevent it happening again.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I got a particularly insensitive email.
I never knew that something as small as an embryo’s passing
could hurt so dreadfully.
I never knew that I could cry so hard for so long.
I never knew I could hurt this much without breaking.
Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I didn’t know that the “birth” dates and due dates of my kids
would be occasions for sorrow.
I didn’t know what a miracle
human reproduction really is.
I didn’t know that it’s so easy
to say you cried yourself to sleep, and
I didn’t know that it’s so hard
to actually do.
Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I had never sobbed upon seeing my own positive pregnancy test
out of fear of losing another child.
I had never known the sting,
the sorrow,
the misery,
the mourning,
the despair,
or the depression of not being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so bitter
before I lost my babies.
Don’t send this to anybody. Nobody should have to experience this.

{This Moment}

2011-06-10T13:38:00.002-04:00

Petite's first time as a flower girl.
June 4, 2011; Alberta, Canada

{This Moment}

2011-05-27T15:31:00.005-04:00

(Valleyview Little Animal Farm, Saturday, June 21)

By the way, we're STILL waiting for my nephew. Funnily enough, when we heard months ago that my sister's due date was in mid-May, family members said, "Oh, but if you hold on for 10 days or so, he can be born on Gil's birthday!"

My 41st birthday is tomorrow, May 28. I expect my birthday will come and go and still no nephew!

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

Still Waiting for My Nephew to Arrive...

2011-05-25T11:39:00.002-04:00

My sister's EDD was more than a week ago. And there's still nothing going on! Sheesh!

Thursday, May 26, she has an appointment and if he hasn't arrived by then, she is asking that they sweep her membranes.

Thus he may arrive by Friday the 27th.

Or he may hold off until my 41st birthday, on Saturday, May 28.

Time will tell. Right now, we're in a holding pattern and just waiting for news. And as we all know, waiting is the hardest part!

{This Moment}

2011-05-20T09:45:00.003-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

All right, there are words for this one because otherwise, no one will understand!

Petite has a penchant for "putting things away." When Hubby told her to put away her jacket, she promptly went to her room, opened a drawer (okay, so it was a pyjama drawer), and put her jacket inside, quite happy to do so. And darn cute if I do say so myself.

Due Date for my Sister & Award Meme

2011-05-17T08:53:00.005-04:00

Today is my sister's due date. May 17, 2011. There's no news yet. Our mom is with her down in the States. Last night, Mom told me that my sis said things "felt different" and that the baby was more in her way yesterday than before. Hopefully this means that the show will soon get on the road! I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well for her and the baby when the time comes. For now, we wait patiently for the phone to ring.

Blogger Award!

From Marilyn who is newly p/g after IVF, Kelly who is well on her way and Joey who is documenting her first IVF, I received this blogger award.

Here's how it works:

Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.

Link back to the person who gave you it.

Tell 10 things about yourself.

Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.

Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

Ten things about myself? Let's see...

I have a green thumb, but not intentionally. I have plants I've tried to kill (or at least, tried to kill portions thereof) and no luck.

My maternal grandmother is a huge factor in my life. She's been gone for 22 years now, but I think about her often and I wish that she and my grandfather could have seen Petite. They would have LOVED her.

I lived in Japan for 3 years, from 1993 to 1996. I dated a Japanese guy for most of the three years I was there. He wasn't ready to get married though, so when my visa was finished, I had to leave the country. I haven't seen him since, but we still keep in touch via e-mail. I wish I could go back to Japan and see my old friends and colleagues.

I started wearing glasses at the age of 10, but when I returned from Japan in 1996, I had photorefractive keratectomy (PRK) laser surgery on my eyes. No more glasses or contacts! YAY!

Hubby and I met online more than 10 years ago. We met online when "meeting online" was still taboo; it took me a number of months to confess to my family how I'd really met him!

I'm a writer and editor. That is what I do for a living. Ever since I was a child, spelling and grammar mistakes sort of jump out at me. So given that Hubby and I met online, we corresponded via e-mail and instant messaging. *adopts a shamed face* I used to correct his e-mails and send them back to him, along with my reply. He still makes mistakes with "as" and "has" and it drives me nutso! But he knows this. And these days, I try to keep my insanity to myself. However, I will give him an editorial hand when he asks for it.

I have OCD when it comes to dirty hands. Even as a child, Mom said I hated to get dirty. One morning, a few years ago, I decided to count the number of times I washed my hands (or that they were in/under clean water) before I left the house to go to work for the day. I counted 27 times. 'Nuff said.

I am from the most easterly part of Canada, an island in the middle of the Atlantic, where we have an entire dictionary devoted to the native language. While Americans recognize that I have a bit of a 'Canadian' accent (whatever that is), Canadians are often shocked that I don't have a Newfoundland accent. What they do not realize is that I do; I simply hide it well. It comes out more strongly if I'm with other Newfoundlanders (e.g., family) or after I've had a drink... or five!

I am staunchly loyal to my friends. To a fault sometimes.

I am a Duran Duran fan for life. Have you heard the latest album, All You Need is Now? OMG, amazing! It's a throwback to their heyday in the 80s and all the reviews are saying the same thing; it's the album that should have been the follow-up to Rio. Some of the tracks on there are jaw-droppingly reminscient of my teen years. I love it! Take a listen on youtube if you get a moment.

And one for good luck...

Recently, an old friend of mine (and my prom/grad date in high school actually!) got in touch with me and was looking for help. He was searching for a European song that was popular in the 80s for awhile but he couldn't remember the details. I spent the better part of a Saturday mulling it over and came up with a bunch of the lyrics. I finally located the song for him and he was absolutely overjoyed! It was by a group called Do Piano and the song was called Again. My friend posted the youtube link on his FB profile, and was subsequently contacted about it by a well-known Canadian keyboardist. All very surreal. And a lovely flashback to my teenage years!

Now then, as for listing the blogs that get this award, I have NO idea. I've been in the blogging world for so many years now, I don't know who's new! So consider yourself tagged if you're reading this and haven't done it yet. I'd love to read your details; let me know if you post about this award please.

Best to all in blogland!

{This Moment}

2011-05-13T13:26:00.004-04:00

Bursting Cysts for Mother's Day... anyone? Anyone? Such Fun!

2011-05-09T09:08:00.007-04:00

We've had a lot going on in our world in recent days. More about that to come in future posts.

Yesterday however, being Mother's Day, (aka, the day that infertiles around the world probably dread the most), I had some things of my own to do and focus on.

As usual, I went to church yesterday morning; the choir had a lovely anthem to sing and it went off beautifully. We even got a loud round of applause (which is acceptable at our church, but doesn't always occur) for our efforts. It was really nice and I think our director did a beautiful job with it.

For my own mom, a couple of weeks ago, I went online and ordered a 50-page photo book of pictures of (mostly) her and Petite. There were some extra shots thrown in for good measure; Petite's first photos with family members on Mom's side of the family in particular. Anyway, the book came back this week and I wrapped it and gave it to her for Mother's Day. "To Nana, with love," was the title. I think Nana liked it!

Yesterday afternoon, Mom and I went shopping. We had planned to spend our day chillin' on our back patio, but it was a little too cool for that. Oh well. We went shopping instead and Mom spent some money on me (and Petite), for which I was grateful.

But late in the afternoon, we were getting things together for dinner and all of a sudden, the pain in my right ovary became unbearable. I thought for a moment I was going to pass out! It was just excruciating. I doubled over in pain and just tried to breathe through it. Terrible stuff. The pain went on like that in waves for about 20 or 30 minutes. I haven't had pain like that in years!

But I am keeping my fingers crossed that my suspicions are right: if it was what I think, then that pain would have meant that my ovarian cyst has burst and (with a little luck) we won't have to deal with it in the upcoming IVF. And THAT would be amazing. We'll know more in the coming month or two when we start up a cycle and I get wanded to check the status of the cyst. But if my hunch is correct, there's no longer a cyst there to worry about. :) I have to find a sliver of hope somewhere!

Whether you focus on your own mother, a mother-in-law, a stepmother, an aunt, a great-aunt, sisters, friends, etc.; whether you are a mother and have a baby at home, a mother of a baby-waiting-in-heaven, a mother in your hopes and dreams, a motherly figure to children (or adults) in your life, or whether you try not to focus on the day at all, I hope that Sunday, May 8 was a beautiful day for you and that you spent it in the company of people that you love and that love you.

{This Moment}

2011-05-06T09:00:00.002-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

I have no title; there's too much in here!

2011-05-02T14:13:00.003-04:00

There's a plethora of things running through my brain that I want to blog about. Some are quick and dirty, others are definitely entire posts unto themselves. Hell, I'm sure one or two could be book ideas!

For now, I'll deal with the quick and dirty tidbits; items of importance in my life that have affected me, or are on the immediate horizon. To do that efficiently, I'm going to slap this into bulleted format. Forgive me my transgressions, please? There is more to come. I guarantee. I just need to find time to write it all down.

My mom arrives on Saturday for a week-long visit. I'm really looking forward to seeing her. The last time I saw my mom was in January for the family vacation we all took together (thanks to my parents). She cannot wait to get her hands on Petite for some love and cuddles and kisses. Nana loves our little girl to bits! The reason she's visiting is that she's taking advantage of some time with us on her way down to the States. She's heading down to visit my sister. Why? Because...

... My sister is now 38 weeks pregnant with the first baby boy in the family in 28 years. I had the first grandchild, and Petite was the first baby in 26 years in our family. My sis is now on the verge of having my parents' second grandchild, and it's a boy this time. I'm so excited for her, and boy, do I wish I could go visit for a quick weekend after he arrives. As it stands, I expect we'll have to Skype for a few months and I'll hope to see both my sister and my new nephew in August at home. Anyway, Mom is heading down to stay with my sister for a month or so, hoping that her grandson arrives safe and sound, and she wants to give my sister a hand for a little while as they find some sort of routine.

As miserable as I was with a cold and sinus infection last week, I wouldn't have missed the Royal Wedding of William and Kate for anything! I was 11 years old when Charles and Diana got married and I distinctly recall being up early that morning, with my mom and my sister, watching Diana walk down the aisle to become Charles' bride. It was quite romantic to watch. Later that year, Diana and Charles both came to Canada on a Royal Visit, and spent time in my hometown. At the time, I was a member of the Girl Guides of Canada and the Lieutenant Governor of our province was hosting a garden party. It was indicated that three members of each troop would be selected to attend the garden party (in uniform of course) and have the opportunity to meet Charles and Diana. I was one of the three chosen and I was so elated! I remember Diana being charming, sweet, and genuinely interested in conversation with the guests. Charles I recall as being quite stand-offish and snobby. It was a memorable day for me and I knew at that moment that Diana was someone quite special. I was honoured to have the opportunity to speak with her. Of course, I had no idea of the underlying issues and I was saddened to learn of the reality later on. Tears certainly flowed when Diana died and I was (and am) so sorry that Will and Harry lost their mom at such a young age. Diana would have loved to attend William's wedding and I know she would be so proud at the young men she raised. I look forward to Canada Day, July 1, this year. Will and Kate will be making their first formal visit to a foreign country and they will be coming to Canada, the capital where I live, to celebrate the day. I just might have to brave the throngs of celebrating Canucks to try to see them!

Easter has come and gone. Petite's chocolate is now well hidden in our cupboard, that's for sure! Damn, but she just loves the stuff! She awoke on Easter morning saying, "egg?" and I gave her an Easter basket in which she could collect the eggs she found. We had a dozen eggs scattered in the house and she was as quick as a whip, finding them lickety-split and just as quickly, figuring out that chocolate was in most of them! Boy, was she a happy girl! She was given books, clothing, Play-Doh and of course, chocolates for Easter. Family members also contributed to a sandbox; I hope to pick one up later this week or next if they're on sale. Anyway, we're rationing her chocolate. Otherwise, she'd have it non-stop!

At the end of the month, just after my birthday, Hubby, Petite and I are flying out West to attend my cousin's wedding. My cousin is an RCMP officer and his fiancée is an officer as well. They decided not to do the wedding in red serge though; protocols would dictate that if he dressed in red serge (and she in her wedding dress), that other attendees would also have to dress in red serge, that there would be an honour guard, etc. They'd like to dismiss with all that pomp and pageantry and just kick back and have fun. My cousin says he's wearing cowboy boots, jeans and a cowboy hat! And it's outdoors as well, assuming the weather holds. Sounds like my kind of wedding! The time change (three hours difference) will be hard on Petite, but we'll manage. We have four days before the wedding to help her adjust. And Petite is supposed to be carrying a basket of petals up the "aisle" as well. Let's hope she doesn't just sit down with the basket and tear all the petals apart!

Another cousin's wife received some fantastic news. She recently underwent surgery to remove a portion of her kidney because they found a rather large growth on it and suspected cancer. She just got word that in fact, the growth wasn't cancerous. So this is wonderful to hear. She does have a similar growth that will require additional surgery in a couple of months. We have no news on that yet of course. So our fingers are still crossed but for now, we are smiling.

One of my coworkers retires in about two and a half weeks' time. Lucky girl! I am sure she has plenty of things to keep her busy in her retirement. I, for one, will be envious of the time that she has to do these fun things, but then again, I wouldn't wish my years away either. However, I am ecstatically happy for her! Congratulations K! (I know she reads the blog.) Enjoy it honey. Well deserved! But do keep in touch, okay? You will definitely be missed!

Our dishwasher is busted. Secretly, I think Petite's little fingers pushed a few too many buttons in rapid succession and messed up the control panel. It certainly seems that is the problem at least. I'm really quite handy and I've researched the problem left, right and centre, all over the place. No dice. I've done all the things that are 'suggested' to resolve the problem with absolutely no luck at all. So I expect we're looking at a boatload of cash to get it fixed. And it broke three months past warrantry. Nice huh? Ugh. God, I hate handwashing dishes... Just sayin'.

Late last night, Hubby and I were watching the news, catching up on the latest polls for our federal election. I was also on the laptop, trolling a few sites, just making sure some things had been seen to. When lo and behold, I caught sight of a snippet. It stated that Osama Bin Laden was dead. No... really? I shook my head and read it twice. Then a third time. I don't think I processed it entirely. And I had barely looked up to speak those words to Hubby when CNN interrupted their programming with the special report and then later, President Obama's address. I stared, open-mouthed, at the TV. I almost couldn't believe it. Ten years. It's taken almost ten years since that fateful day in 2001 to find this man and bring him to justice. But sort of like Kakunaa, I wonder about the celebrations quickly commenced outside the White House last night. Don't misunderstand: I have no doubt that had he surrendered willingly and been given a trial (much as Saddam Hussein was), that he would be the ranting and raving extremist that we all know him to be, and pretty much sealed his own fate, resulting in his execution anyway. He would have been found guilty and that would have been that. However, that opportunity was taken from him -- much like it was for all those men and women on September 11th -- and I wish that were not the case. I don't deny that he deserved to die. Good Lord, if ever I wanted to reinstate Canada's Capital Punishment laws, Bin Laden would exemplify the reasons behind it all! But some part of me (the idealist, I suppose) wishes that things had gone differently. Alas... what's done is done. Hopefully it will result in more peace in our world. One must hope, right? I do bow my head in reverent silence and memory for all those who lost their lives that terrible day. For all those who have lost their lives in the War on Terror ever since. For all those families that have seen loved ones leave for foreign shores, never knowing if they would return. For the changes that our world has seen since. And for the fear that grips us... even when it may not need to. Our lives changed that day and we will forevermore be affected.

Today, May 2, is election day here in Canada. A federal election was called a couple of months ago and today is the day to make your mark. As I said on FaceBook, sure, I have preferences for a particular party and for a number of candidates. However, the main point for me is that it's absolutely crucial that people get out there and VOTE. So many people in this world (take a look at the Middle East right now if you want current examples) are literally DYING because they want that freedom, they yearn for the possibility of having a democratic society. So regardless of your choice, JUST GO VOTE. Please. Besides, if you don't vote, you have absolutely no right to complain about the government after the election, now do you? :)

The following posts are yet to come:

We are one month closer to starting our cycle; today is CD3, right on track with regular 30-day cycles. I need to fax the docs some results and get some info on dates. I hope we aren't delayed any further than I want to be!

30 Days of Blogging -- 30 topics in 30 days (some of these topics are really interesting!)

Blogger award recently given to me by Marilyn (just had her transfer) and Kelly (p/g). Thank you ladies! I promise, I'll address this ASAP!

What IF? -- This stems from last year's NIAW (jeez, this year's is just over! Where the heck did THAT go?!), and damn, but I still haven't had time/energy/composure enough to write it down! I think I can probably discuss my thoughts on this with the next point...

Dollars and $ense of Family Building -- my thoughts and our personal experiences will be forthcoming on this topic. And yes, it certainly does touch on the What IF from last year's NIAW.

Have a great week everyone.

{This Moment}

2011-05-02T09:36:00.003-04:00

*It's late, but in my defense, I've been quite ill with a bad cold and subsequent sinus infection. I had the picture, but uploading it and creating the post was just too much for my confused brain to handle. Nevertheless, here you go. Petite with some Easter chocolate.

{This Moment}

2011-04-22T20:36:00.001-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

Upcoming National Infertility Awareness Week in the USA

2011-04-21T09:50:00.004-04:00

In the United States, National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW) is next week from April 24 to April 30.

One of the things that IF bloggers (and the IF community in general) frequently speaks about is having some sort of identifier, some symbol or sign of infertility that we can wear outwardly to show that we belong to the large population of infertiles. Infertility is hidden. So it's up to you. Unless you make the conscientious choice to speak about it, no one will actually know that you are suffering from a terrible disease.

Did you know that 1 in 6 couples is infertile?

Did you know that infertility is classified as a disease, and so recognized by the World Health Organization?

Did you know that being diagnosed as infertile yields the exact same feelings as being diagnosed with cancer? And in fact, I remember reading about at least one infertile blogger who also had cancer; she stated in no uncertain terms that for her, infertility was definitely the worse of the two. That definitely opened my eyes.

In recognition of NIAW next week, Whitney and Erick have produced a virtual ribbon for the blogosphere. Mel, in her infinite wisdom, used Infertility's Common Thread a few years ago to help infertiles have a physical symbol of their infertility that they could wear and that could help identify other infertiles. And Whitney and Erick have expanded on that colour/theme producing the Infertility Ribbon. Grab it and add it to your own blog; it's always nice to know that we're in such good company.

What will you be doing to raise awareness next week? If you can't think of anything, why don't you go Bust a Myth to show your support?

{This Moment} & Hubby's Birthday

2011-04-15T09:05:00.007-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

I have to confess, this particular photo was taken a couple of weeks ago. It's Petite's first hockey game. And I'm posting this one today in honour of Hubby's 43rd birthday. Happy Birthday honey. Baby girl and I love you and we're so lucky to have you.

Article: Tighter In Vitro Rules Would SAVE Babies

2011-04-14T08:41:00.005-04:00

The front page of the Ottawa Citizen today featured an article that contains statistics that most infertiles are already aware of, and that most lawmakers and politicians in Canada need to become aware of.

Apparently, the University of Montreal has conducted a study that has been published in the Journal of Pediatrics. The findings raise the alarm about the birth of multiples as a result of in vitro fertilization or ovarian stimulation. The health issues that these babies, and their mothers, face are mind-boggling, to say nothing of the soaring costs of treatment and care.

Because the fertility industry is largely unregulated in Canada, doctors routinely transfer two, three or more embryos back into the uterus in the hopes that at least one will implant and pregnancy will result. And by the time most couples reach the stage of requiring IVF to create a family, they have been completely drained emotionally and financially, often suffering miscarriages and enduring years of medical intervention and testing, just like Hubby and I did. Those couples are more than ready and willing to accept the risks that multiple embryo transfer carries. After all, two babies for the price of one is quite appealing! God knows, I would have welcomed the opportunity... and I almost did before one of our embryos succumbed to Vanishing Twin Syndrome. Alas, here we are a few years later, having to go through it all again, and pay again for the hope and privilege of undergoing IVF, praying that we can have a second child. But as I mentioned to Liberal candidate, David Bertschi back in December when he knocked on my door, "Do I have to mortgage my home to have a child?" Or maybe I just need to move across the river to Quebec... because they have seen the light and they now fund up to three cycles of IVF.

The Montreal study looked at transfers that encompassed from 2 to 6 embryos. According to the paper, the unregulated practice is leading to "enormous unacceptable human, emotional and financial costs." "Multiples are almost always born prematurely and underweight. They're more likely than singletons to die in their first year of life and are at greater risk of severe, lifelong health problems." Yet in 2009, only 13% of the 9000 embryo transfer procedures included one embryo. Canada's 28 ART facilities transferred two or more embryos in 87% of IVF procedures.

The researchers found that

Nearly 100 fewer babies would die or suffer severe brain injury every year in Canada if tighter controls were placed on process.

Nearly 1 in 5 babies (17%) admitted to the NICU at Montreal's Royal Victoria Hospital over a two-year period were from multiple births resulting from artificial reproductive technologies (ART).

Among these 82 babies, 75 were twins or triplets whose mothers used IVF; the others were the result of ovarian stimulation.

20 of the IVF babies were born after less than 29 weeks gestation: 6 died; 5 developed severe bleeding in the brain (a complication that can lead to cerebral palsy and other lifelong consequences); 4 developed a potentially blinding eye condition requiring surgery.

By contrast, if you only transfer a single embryo each time in a regulated industry, it would lead to

30 to 40 fewer infant deaths every year nationwide

34 to 46 fewer severe intracranial hemorrhages

840 fewer babies admitted to intensive care

up to 42,488 fewer days of intensive care (at a cost of $1000 per day, per infant)

This would save the Canadian government approximately $40 million per year.

And what of the mothers who are pregnant with or who deliver multiple babies instead of a singleton?

those pregnant with twins are 5 times more likely to experience complications

7% of mothers who delivered multiples also developed high blood pressure (requiring more monitoring, testing and more appointments during pregnancy)

10% developed gestational diabetes (more monitoring, testing, appointments)

72% delivered via caesarean section (thus a longer hospital stay)

4 mothers required a blood transfusion

As I've mentioned before on this blog, last August, the province of Quebec began funding up to three IVF treatment cycles. In most cases (depending on maternal age, previous history, etc.), one embryo must be transferred at a time. As a result, in the first three months this policy was in effect, Quebec saw a drastic drop in the rate of multiple pregnancies from 27% to a mere 3.8%. That's nothing to sneeze at.

Canada is about to have a federal election, because our own Prime Minister was found in contempt of Parliament. On May 2, I will go to the polls and cast my vote. And I'll be brutally honest, if any of the parties have information about funding and regulating IVF in their platforms, I can't find it. I've been looking. I guarantee that I will cast my vote for any political party that includes that support for IVF and fertility regulation in their platform In my own riding, I call upon the candidates to be aware of this situation and I welcome any discussion on the matter. As I said, if your party will look at the facts and finally commit to families in Canada by funding/regulating ART procedures, you WILL have my vote. And likely, many, many more.

So to the candidates: Royal Galipeau (Conservative Party -- incumbent), David Bertschi (Liberal Party, with whom I spoke briefly earlier this year), Martine Cénatus (New Democratic Party) and Paul Maillet (Green Party), I call upon you to act on the numerous studies and recommendations.

It was Mike Harris' heavy-handed tactics withdrew funding (and thus regulation) for infertility procedures and cut funding to hospitals. It's time to right that wrong. By doing so, you save money, you increase the population rate, you help reverse the now inverse pyramid of population, thus helping social programs in the long run, you decrease the rate of multiple births, you SAVE mothers and babies. It's time to put the recommendations of the Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption into practice. As always, I would welcome the opportunity to speak to any of the candidates in my riding on this issue.

Thirty Years of Advances!

2011-04-12T09:38:00.007-04:00

In the past week, I've received two separate invitations to the upcoming symposium in Montreal entitled Thirty Years of Advances in Reproductive Endocrinology and ART: A Celebratory Congress. This four-day congress (May 27-31, in Montréal, Quebec, Canada) will celebrate the achievements of our RE, Dr. Seang Lin Tan, over the past thirty years and it will honour the pioneer of IVF, Professor Robert Edwards (2010 Nobel Laureate). The topics to be discussed do look extremely interesting, that's for sure. They'll be looking at

in-vitro maturation

poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)

fertility preservation

psychological aspects of infertility treatments

blastocyst culturing

preimplantation genetic diagnosis (PGD)

types of luteal support

patient selection

other advances in ART over the last thirty years

It's certainly an ever-changing science as technology permits us to be more precise with treatments in order to give patients the best probable outcome.

As mentioned in the invitation to me, "Although this meeting is meant for healthcare professionals, a well informed patient can benefit from the congress as well." I consider myself fairly well informed on the topic of infertility and its treatment, and as an advocate, I would certainly love to attend the congress.

Alas, with Hubby in school, our tight budget doesn't permit my indulging in this right now. I'm sure there'll be other opportunities in the future though. That said, I ought to look into whether there'll be an opportunity to obtain notes from the discussions. Additionally, although I can't attend, maybe you or someone you know would like to. If so, I can certainly put you in touch with the Associate Project Manager who sent me the invitation. Do let me know.

Wishing all my fellow IF bloggers a wonderful (spring!) week!

{This Moment}

2011-04-08T08:50:00.005-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

Dreaming the Night Away

2011-04-07T09:36:00.005-04:00

I'm afraid to say it too loudly, but I think Petite has finally got the hang of this "sleep" thing.

For those who don't recall, while in utero, Petite was asleep all day and awake all night. After she was born, she continued to have her days and nights mixed up. It took us weeks to help her work that out. And then as infants do, she'd only sleep 2-3 hours at a time. As she got older, we tried to stretch out her sleep periods, with some success but even at 12 months, she was up 3 and 4 times per night, wanting a bottle and needing her diaper changed. At 15 months, she didn't need the diaper change quite so often, but still woke a few times per night.

But now... oh joy. Blessed joy. I think she's figured it out.

For the last week or so, she's been taking almost two full bottles (that's 16 oz!) at bedtime and when she falls asleep, she's down til morning. So from about 9 or 9:30 p.m. to 6:45 a.m. when I have to wake her to get ready to go to daycare, she's in dreamland.

Finally! At 19 months, she finally got it! *grins gleefully*

Shh... quiet now. Don't jump for joy or anything. She'll hear you and wake up!

{This Moment}

2011-04-01T09:04:00.013-04:00

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’
in the comments for all to find and see.

Words

2011-03-28T12:10:00.008-04:00

Petite has a fair sized vocabulary. I realized that last month when we went for her 18-month checkup and shots. The doctor asked me if she had some words in her vocabulary. I replied that Petite was very chatty and estimated that she had about 50 words in her vocabulary. The doc looked surprised and said, "Wow, 50? That's a lot for 18 months." Now, I don't know if it is, I just know what the doctor said to us.

I got to thinking about that a little more. Fifty. Fifty words in her vocabulary? No. It's much more than that. Quite a bit more. I'm pretty sure. Or it seems so! Petite does love to chat and interact!

So this past weekend, I took note of some of them. She uses these fairly regularly, and in the correct context. Usually she'll get them right, but once in awhile she'll mix them up, like calling the green crayon "blue" or vice versa. Regardless, these are some of the words in her vocabulary. I thought I'd record them here for posterity.

apple
baa
baby
banana
Barney
bateau ("boat" in French)
bear
block
blue
boat
book
boots
bottes ("boots" in French)
bottle
break (yesterday, she knocked over a tower of blocks and said, "I break it." Her FIRST sentence!)
brrr
brush
bunny
butter
bye bye
caca ("poo" in French)
cake
car
cat
chair
chapeau ("hat" in French)
chaud ("hot" in French)
chicken
chocolate
Cindy (her caregiver's name)
colour
cookie
corn
couche ("diaper" in French)
coupe ("cup/container" in French)
cow
crayon
Daddy
dark
diaper
dog
down
ducky
eat
go
grapes
green
hair
happy
hat
hello
hippo
Ho Ho Ho (taught this to her at Christmas time; she still says it when she sees a pic of Santa)
hockey (ah, a good Canadian girl!)
hop
horse
hot
hungry
jacket
jam (though it sounds more like "jim")
juice
meow
milk
mitts
Mommy
moo
more
'mote (her version of "remote")
Nana
neigh
night night
no
oink
out
paper
pee pee
pen
phone
picture
pig
pillow
pink
Pooh Bear
poo poo
Poppy
pretty
quack
sheep
shh
snowman
tickle
toast
Tony (my BIL's name)
tree
uh oh
up
water
Wiggles (as in "The Wiggles")
woof

And although she doesn't say these, she knows their meaning.
bed
belly
bellybutton
blow (as in, "blow on it")
chin
close
dance/danse
light
ears
eat
eyes
fermer ("close" in French)
finished
hug
hungry
kiss
livre ("book" in French)
mouth
nose
salon ("living room in French)
tissue
toes
yes

Leaps and bounds. It's amazing. Happy 19 months Petite. Mommy and Daddy love you so much.

This Moment -- Wishing I Participated

2011-03-25T10:53:00.003-04:00

I love Steph and Carey's Friday ritual (inspired by SouleMama) of posting a single photo; a memory from the week, that they want to hold forever in their hearts. "This Moment" has become a bit of a treat for me. I get to peek at their wonderful world with The Trio and smile at the tender, funny, sweet, uplifting moments that they experience. I have often thought that it is something that I would love to do.

In order to do that, I would need to take photos, right? But you know something? I realized that I don't take photos every week. Isn't that an absolute shame?? I think it is. Truly, I do. I am so slack in my diligence that I let days -- weeks even -- go by without taking a single photo of Petite or the changes that I see in her from day to day. It's terrible. It really is terrible.

There are so many things, so many changes I see in her. I try to detail them to family members and elsewhere, but sometimes, I think I'd love to take photos more often and ensure that a record of the special moments is here... for her to see and read about when she gets older.

Time slips by so quickly and then I read blogs about parents who have lost their young infants for whatever reason and they cherish each and every photo they have of their little ones. I understand how precious those must be. (I pray to God that none of us ever has to deal with this situation.)

Photos. Recorded memories. Moments in time. Cherished moments that touch me. I must make more of an effort in this regard. I'll try to do better. For me. For Petite. For our family. I must do better.

Murder, She Wrote

2011-03-24T09:22:00.005-04:00

I'm going to commit murder, I tell you.

Honest to goodness murder.

LaGrande is in grade 11 and she is doing a Parenting course this semester. Nothing wrong with that at all; it's good to learn those skills.

As part of the course, each of the kids has a couple of days with a "Robot" baby; essentially a simulation baby that eats, sleeps, needs to be cuddled, cries, whimpers, etc.

It's LaGrande's turn to have the sim baby for two and a half days. Now I have no problem with her Parenting class teacher wanting to give the kids a realistic experience and circulating the sim baby around the class for that purpose with each kid having the "baby" for two days or so and learning what to do.

But...

... I do take HUGE issue with the fact that said sim baby is louder than the real baby. And as such, wakes the real baby when sim baby cries.

That thing was so damn loud, it woke Petite a couple of times as I was trying to get her to bed last night. I went so far as to tell LaGrande that she had to sleep downstairs with it; had she slept in her room, it would have had the whole house up.

Regardless, something had the whole house up all night long. Whether Petite heard that thing crying or not, she was up and down all night and that made for a bad night for all of us.

NOT COOL.

Needless to say, I left a message on the school's answering machine yesterday. I will be calling again this morning to talk to the teacher. Frankly, with the practice that LaGrande has had with a real baby, I think experience with a sim baby is a bit over the top. And I'll be damned if that electronically-wired ball of plastic is going to disrupt my baby again tonight. NO F*CKING WAY.

Someone's gonna hear it from me today. Not acceptable at all.

ABCs of Me

2011-03-22T09:08:00.002-04:00

Found on Loribeth's blog (The Road Less Travelled) and I figured I might as well.

A. Age: 40. (a.k.a. Old enough to know better but young enough not to care anymore.)

B. Bed size: King. But it's still not enough room when there's me, Hubby, the two cats sprawled between my legs, more pillows than you can shake a stick at and occasionally, Petite all sharing the bed. Damn... do they make anything bigger than a King? I'll need a bigger bedroom though.

C. Chore you dislike: Dusting. Ugh.

D. Dogs: None. When I was little, we had a dog. Tiny was my father's dog before he and mom met and after I arrived (and later my sis) we loved him dearly. I was about 5 years old when we had to have him put down; my first experience with death.

E. Essential start to your day: Cereal. I would say orange juice, as I love it and it's a great kick start for me (I despise coffee), but OJ usually has lots of sugars so I am trying to cut it out.

F. Favorite color: It depends. I like blue, black and white.

G. Gold or silver: Silver if I have a tan. Gold most other times. The best of both worlds: white gold!

H. Height: Just a smidge over 5'5".

I. Instruments you play(ed): None. However, I sing rather well and I'm currently a member of our church choir (second soprano).

J. Job title: Senior Technical Writer–Editor

K. Kids: One 18-month old, two stepkids (ages 16 and 15) and my girlfriend's daughter (age 13) regards me as a sort of second parent. And of course, hoping to start IVF/ICSI as we soon begin TTC for number 2.

L. Live: The suburbs of Ottawa, Ontario.

M. Mom’s name: Barbara

N. Nicknames: Sorry. The nickname(s) I've got are not for public consumption. Let's leave it at that shall we?

O. Overnight hospital stays: As an infant, I was hospitalized for burns to my chest and torso when I pulled down a pot of boiling milk from the stove. I don't recall that though, but I still have a few scars from the event. As for stays that I recall: surgery on my left wrist when I shattered it into more than 200 pieces 1997; when I gave birth to Petite in 2009. Other day surgeries and whatnot didn't require overnight stays.

P. Pet peeves: Telemarketers that call during dinner. People who talk on a cell phone while being served at a store. People who can't close their mouth when they chew. And mouth-breathers. *shudders*

Q. Quote from a movie: O Captain my Captain!

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. But I use my left hand more than most for a number of tasks, other than writing.

S. Siblings: One sister, 15 months younger than me. And she's about to be a mommy herself.

T. Time you wake up: 5:30 a.m.

U. Underwear: Coloured, never plain ol' white functional briefs. Ugh. Boorrring! Sometimes lacy. Sometimes racy. Sometimes silky. Usually thong or hipster style.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Asparagus and Brussel sprouts. I find both very bitter.

W.What makes you run late: Like Loribeth, underestimating the amount of time I will need.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Let's start from the bottom up -- foot, ankle, leg, knee, back, chest, neck, hand, wrist, shoulder.

Y. Yummy food you make: I like to bake more than cook. However, I make a few great casseroles and everyone loves my spaghetti sauce.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: big cats of any sort. They're gorgeous!

Now it is YOUR turn... let me know if you do this one and I'll come visit!

Scatterbrained -- seems to be par for the course!

2011-03-21T08:43:00.008-04:00

This post is completely disjointed. I've made no attempts at being cohesive. It's just a bit of a mind dump. Bear with me... but you've definitely been forewarned.

This past weekend was a total blur. Hubby spent both Saturday and Sunday doing 12-hour shifts in a maternity ward (ironic huh?) for his clinicals this semester. He LOVED it. He came home last night, saying, "I've never felt more like a nurse before" and he reported that it was so very satisfying to get to bathe a newborn for the first time, teaching the parents how and why to bathe correctly, and to help a woman get her newborn to latch. He was on Cloud 9 last night. Exhausted, but definitely satisfied.

And while we were talking, I saw that look in his eyes. You know the one. The one that says, "I want to do that again... with our own baby." I can only hope that we get to once again. Time will tell. I hope that we get to do that again too.

Regardless, because he was away pretty much all weekend, because I had his kids all weekend, and because there was grocery shopping and laundry and running errands, and cooking, and all sorts of things to handle even with him away, I was run right off my feet. I'm so tired this morning, I could cry. I wonder can I hide in a corner somewhere and drift off to sleep?

Add to that the fun of strep throat. My friend's daughter was diagnosed with it last week. LaGrande went to the clinic yesterday and was diagnosed with it too. And if I know myself at all, and my own symptoms, I've got it as well, but I'm not yet taking anything nor have I seen a doctor. You see, I got the sore throat when coming off a cold a couple of weeks ago, so I thought it was just the remenants of that. Almost two full weeks later, and nope, the sore throat is still there and not going anywhere. My neck is swollen and sore, my ears seem a bit plugged (sounds are muffled a little) and I just ache. Turns out that if left untreated, strep can cause a whole host of other, much more serious problems. So I'm thinking I better go see a doc and get some antibiotics soon. As my mom said last night to me on the phone, "I don't want Petite to be motherless!" (Dramatic much Mom?!! Yikes.)

Congratulations to Kakunaa over at Spermination Station and her DH on the birth of their son! At just 35 weeks, her water broke and Phelan Shel was delivered via C-section last night. I'm so happy for them both! And OMG, I hope she'll soon get the cloth diapers I shipped to her; they'll need them!

Today is the first full day of spring; and we're getting snow. Yesterday was sunny, bright and gorgeous and today, grey and snow whipping around. A total of 10 cms are on the way and I'd really prefer to have yesterday's weather rather than this mess. Ugh.

We finally got the new (to us) car last Friday. It's a 2009 Mazda 3 GX with 56,000 kms on it, full bumper-to-bumper warranty until March 2014, and it's even been rustproofed. I love the Mazda line of vehicles. Seriously LOVE them. One of these days, I'll be a little old lady with white hair flying driving a Mazda coupe. Guaranteed.

For those following, we had a talk with LaGrande following her antics of Thursday night. Hubby finally got the call from Friend1's mom mid-morning on Friday. Nice huh? Honestly, when a frantic parent calls your home, at MIDNIGHT, wondering if their kid is there and okay, would you not fucking pick up the goddamn phone and bloody-well CALL THEM BACK??!! Would you want them to toss and turn all night long, wondering where their child is and if he/she is okay?? Or are you that fucking irresponsible and uncaring that you turn off the phone or ignore it, turn over and go back to sleep?!! Stupid woman. I have little respect for the incompetent and irresponsible.

End result: Because Hubby did get a call (and she was damned irritated to have to call at all by the tone of her voice he reported), LaGrande got a weekend's worth of no phone and being grounded. When we confronted her, she was sullen and sulky but she did not defend herself, scream, cry, shout, nothing. She was very quiet and sat there, biting her lip and inner cheek. Guilty much? Damn straight. Even Hubby's ex believes that Friend1's mom would have lied about LaGrande having been at their home. So yeah, we don't believe she was there last Thursday night. Now she's not allowed to go to Friend1's house at all. After all, who wants their kid in a home with irresponsible parents? And she must provide a list of names/numbers of her friends; she would only get her phone back when that list was in my hands.

Singing with the choir at the 67s game was fantastic! We all had a great evening. Unfortunately, although the game was nationally televised, the station cut to a commercial before the anthem started and when they came back from the break, we were walking off the ice AFTER having finished! Ugh. Oh well. I know it was videotaped by a few people. I hope to get my hands on a recording somewhere.

All last week, Petite was very clingy and cuddly. I am not quite sure why. Maybe she was a bit under the weather. Maybe the presence of more kids at daycare during March Break threw her off her routine. Maybe she just needed to know that Mommy and Daddy love her. I'm not sure. Whatever it was, it's sort of continuing into this week. I have to watch the time carefully when I leave the daycare because her clinginess and reluctance to leave me threatens to make me late for work. I guess it's bound to happen now and then though. Now if I can avoid passing the strep to her, that'd be great. Wish me luck!

Last but not least...
In the last couple of weeks, I've located two old friends. And I'm absolutely over the moon about that. One of them is a St-Pierraise who came to Newfoundland years ago to learn some English. There were two students who were there for a semester, one of whom I had kept in touch with, the other I'd lost touch with. This was in 1990-91... 21 years ago. She found me on Facebook through a mutual friend of ours. I couldn't find her because she changed her name when she married. Regardless, I'm really glad she found me again. I'd been wondering what she's been up to and whether she stayed in St-Pierre or had moved to France, as so many St-Pierrais do. (For those who may not know, there are two islands -- St-Pierre and Miquelon -- that belong to France but are situated off the south coast of Newfoundland, here in North America. I lived there for quite awhile during university and have lots of friends there. Beautiful place. I love it.)

The second friend I found was one of my first best friends. He and his family used to live directly across the street from our family. We were both born in 1970 and attended the same elementary school. We even carpooled to school together; his dad had an orange VW, a first generation Beetle in fact! Brr, but it was cold in the winter! Anyway, by the time I was 8 or 9, I had developed a huge crush on him but when we were 10, his parents separated and he and his father moved out west. I only saw him once after that; when we were 12 years old, they returned to Newfoundland to visit family and friends and stopped by the street to catch up. We were both so shy to meet up again, but I remember I was really excited to see him again. I haven't seen him since, but I frequently looked for him or asked mutual friends if perchance they knew where he was. I always thought about him, wondered what he studied, if he got married or had children of his own. I wondered where his mom and dad were, whether he was still out west, etc. Anyway, for about 10 or 15 years now, I've poked his name in search parameters or scoured stuff online to try to find him. Alas, nothing. But about a month ago, I came up with his father's obituary (a very sad way to locate people, I might add), and through it, I learned of his wife's name. I found her on Facebook, and when I clicked on her profile, there was a photo of both her and her husband in the sidebar. No mistaking it: that was my old friend. I recognized his eyes, his face, even his hair. I messaged his wife, indicated who I was and what I remembered of the friend I was looking for. She confirmed it. Yes, it was him and she would pass on my message. I thanked her and resigned myself to thinking that I could do no more. I had to be patient and hope. About two weeks later, she got back to me. Her husband had asked her to give me his e-mail address. So last Monday, I wrote him a note. I haven't heard from him yet, but I will continue to hope that I will. It would be amazing to find out how he's doing and what twists and turns his own life took. The power of social networking can be an amazing thing. It really is wonderful. I'm lucky to have found him. I continue to pray that he'll respond, when he's ready. That would be incredible.

And my own sister reaches 32 weeks in her pregnancy tomorrow. Assuming all continues to go well, eight more weeks til I get to welcome a nephew!

Signing off for now. Love to all in blogland!

Stupid choices and their consequences

2011-03-18T08:36:00.004-04:00

(This post deals with an issue that we're currently having with Hubby's 16-year old daughter who is living at our house part-time. Skip it if you're interested in my blog for the infertility side of things.)

I'm pissed. Angry and pissed.

Petite's big (half-) sister has f*cked up royally and Hubby and I are trying to figure out what to do without totally overreacting.

Petite's half-sister, La Grande (as I will call her), has a part-time job, which is fantastic. She works a few shifts per week, sometimes after school during the week, but usually on the weekends. This week is March Break so she has no school, and last night she was working. She was due to get off work at 9 p.m. and one of us was going to pick her up.

Well, during the afternoon, she texted Hubby and asked if she could sleep at her friend's house: we'll call her Friend1. Fine. No problem. We're good with that.

But something was niggling at my brain.

Two days prior, she had asked for another girlfriend, Friend2, to sleep at our house. Long story short: La Grande and Friend2 are interested in each other sexually (both identify as bisexual... that's cool by us, and not up for discussion here) so of course, we nixed the idea. Having Friend2 sleep in the same bed as La Grande would be akin to us permitting her to invite a male friend to sleep over; it's no different. And we all know that's not a good idea. So we said "no."

However, we did indicate that she could invite Friend2 over for dinner and to spend the evening at our house, which she did. The girls also went to Friend2's house for a bit as well before La Grande came home for the night.

Anyway, last night, after work, La Grande was supposed to go to Friend1's house to sleep. At about 5 p.m., Hubby called Friend2's house, and left a message for the mother, asking that she verify if La Grande could indeed stay there.

No call was forthcoming.

By 9:30 last night, La Grande and Hubby were texting. La Grande was saying that "Yes, Friend2's mom is here, but she's gone out to get us Iced Capps," so we still hadn't verified with the parent that La Grande was permitted to stay.

An hour later, still nothing. Hubby called again, leaving yet another message. And then started calling La Grande on her cell phone.

No answer. La Grande refused to answer after HALF AN HOUR of calling her nonstop. Friend2's mother didn't call first nor last. La Grande didn't answer her texts. In short, we had no way of verifying her whereabouts and we were angry at her for having assumed we were going to be played.

Hubby called his ex-wife at almost midnight last night to discuss the issue and keep her abreast of what was happening. His ex even tried to reach La Grande by phone, text, and Blackberry Messenger. No answer on either count.

Hubby and I both believe that she was at Friend1's house. She couldn't have Friend1 at our home so we figured they decided to move the venue so that they could be together. Not cool. Not cool at all.

How to deal with this?

Well, I'm figuring since she doesn't want to answer her phone, she ought not to have it for a week.
Obviously, she will now have to provide a list of ALL her friends names, addresses, phone numbers, etc. I expect to know her friends and their parents as well as where to pick her up if she's at "so-and-so's" house.
For the next week, she should not be permitted to go anywhere but school or work. And in my view, no sleeping anywhere or having sleepovers for a month.
She's shown irresponsibility, she's illustrated immaturity, she's completely disrespected us and our family, and I am disappointed in her behaviour.
If she cannot responsibly handle the freedoms that we accord her, we will no longer accord them; it's that simple.

Too much? I think not. But maybe I'm totally blowing this out of the water. The question now is, how to talk to her without completely blowing my stack. Hubby and I are both quite angry and upset. We didn't fall asleep until around 2 or 3 a.m. last night, waking at 5:30 for our day. I still don't know if Hubby or his wife have heard from her. And I'm thinking that a call to the police will soon be in order. 24 hours before they can call her 'missing' right? It makes me angry. What are your thoughts? How do you handle deception and lies from your teenage kids? I'm wading into this as a newbie so maybe your perspectives would help.

Recent Goings-On

2011-03-14T10:19:00.005-04:00

A post in points today. My brain is a bit scattered.

Last week was a week from hell. Sunday, Petite started the week off with a cough/cold that turned into croup on Monday. Tuesday, our minivan died on the highway as Hubby was driving to an exam. He got it towed and I met him at the garage, sick Petite in tow, Hubby drove us home and took the little car to the exam. He just made it in time. Wednesday, I came down with a miserable cold; Petite passed it along. Thursday, I was still home sick, Petite was getting better, the van was still dead (and it needs a new camshaft... a $1000 repair on a vehicle that is barely worth $2000) and then Hubby came down with the cold. Dear Lord. Enough!

So that leaves us car shopping. It'll be a used car this time around, something to get us through to when Hubby is finished his education and (hopefully) working full-time. At which point we'll actually look at buying exactly what we want and need.
This Friday, our choir is singing at the Ottawa 67s hockey game, which will be nationally televised. We got tickets for us, Hubby's kids, my friend and her daughter, and two other friends and their kids will come too. The choir and our friends/family occupy one entire section of the arena. Should be fun.
I'm absolutely devastated by the images coming out of Japan. I used to live in southern Japan between 1993 and 1996 and I have a lot of friends there. Some of those friends have since moved to the island of Honshu and I have yet to hear from them. I have heard from my 'Japanese family' (a family with whom I became very close when I lived there) and they are all fine. I also heard from one of the teachers I used to teach with: she lives on the coast and she said while they had a tsunami, it was quite small compared to what she is seeing on TV. However, one of her friends was caught in the quake and eventually had to walk home from her workplace: it took her almost 9 hours to make the trek on foot. But she made it. I also heard from my Japanese ex-boyfriend and he and his entire family are safe. So I'm still waiting for news from a couple of teachers/friends. I am just crossing my fingers that they haven't had time to check their e-mail yet.

Regardless, the images of the devastation are heartbreaking. I heard about the quake on Friday as I was getting ready for work. Hubby came and told me that Japan had an earthquake that was 8.9 and it was just north of Tokyo. I started to shake and cry. I still can't believe it.
This week is March Break for most schools in the province. I still have to work though, and Petite is still at daycare. However, her daycare provider has organized a week full of fun for all of them. Get this: they have a day to "dress like a rock star" (Monday), wear summer clothes and a have a picnic (Tuesday), wear your favourite hockey jersey (Wednesday -- she'll lend one to Petite as we haven't bought her one yet. How terrible of us Canadian parents! LOL), wear green for St. Patrick's Day (Thursday), come in your Pajamas and watch a movie day (Friday). It promises to be lots of fun!
Petite adores the cats. Dear Lord, she adores the cats. She pounces on them at every opportunity, trying to pick them up, laying on them, hugging them, crawling under the table after them, etc. I'm thinking she adores them a little too much: she's started eating their food! Poor little underpriviliged child! LOL No joke. I mean, I knew that I'd find her trying to eat their dry food out of their dish and all, but last week's trick just took the cake.

She had been playing with one of her books and a tuft of fur from the "Touch and Feel Lion" was pulled out. She came to me, tuft between her fingers, saying, "garbage." "Yes," I replied, "garbage. Go put it in the garbage. Mets-le dans la poubelle!" (I repeat things in French for her so she hears both languages.) She trots back to the kitchen, out of my sight and I heard her lift the garbage lid. I continued with what I was doing in the living room and next thing I know, I hear, slurp, slurp, slurp. My eyes widen as I realize she's licking something and I cringed as I jumped up to check it out.

Stuck on her face, her two little hands holding it up, is an empty cat food can that had been in the garbage can! ICK!!!! OMG I just grimaced and made a terrible face, telling her, "No no, that's the cat food. C'est pour les chats. Mets-le dans la poubelle!" I just about screeched in disgust! Can you imagine!? Now, I realize that consuming cat food won't hurt her per se, but it really isn't the kind of diet I wanted to raise her on!! Sheesh! And I was more worried about her possibly cutting her tongue on the edge of the container than the fact that she was licking the can. Either way, it was just GROSS. I shuddered, visibly, as I got her a little bowl of Goldfish crackers to munch on instead. YUCK. I told the story to Hubby and of course, he just laughed his ass off. So did my sis. Nice. How nice. ICK. *shudders again*

Anyway folks, Happy March Break. I hope you all enjoyed your pancakes last week on Shrove Tuesday; we did. I still love the tradition. And if perchance you can cut me a deal on a used car that we'll have for 1-2 years before trading it in, lemme know. We need a car before Friday or I'll have to find a way to get to the hockey game on my own steam I think!

The "Ah ha" Moment Came This Morning

2011-03-07T08:48:00.003-05:00

In a continuation/update from my previous post...

There's a reason she was so miserable last night.

She had a cold over the weekend. Well this morning, it's developed into another thing entirely:

Croup.

Oh joy.

Poor baby girl. She's home with Daddy this morning and I'll take the afternoon shift. I hope it doesn't last long.

Wish us luck.

Tired. Oh so tired.

2011-03-06T20:34:00.003-05:00

It's 8:35 p.m. and my 18-month old daughter is, not only still awake, but also calling repeatedly, "Mommeee, Daddeeee" rather plaintively.

She's down to one nap per day, usually in the afternoon for about 2 or 2.5 hours. Today, it was far too short (only an hour and 15 mins) and this evening, but about 7:40, she was starting to looked rather piqued so we started the whole bedtime routine.

But she's adamant that she is bringing a book to bed these nights. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE the fact that she adores her books. It'll be a very good thing. But to cuddle a book in bed along with Pooh Bear? That's not exactly too cuddly in my view.

And so she goes into her room, refuses any milk, wanders around, plays peekaboo, brings book after book to me and asks to have me read them, she giggles, bobbles around, opens drawers, pulls out her laundry hamper, does it all... everything except get in bed and go to sleep.

And when she eventually DOES get to sleep, she's up again before midnight looking for a bottle, and some nights, she wakes a second time around 3:30 or 4 a.m. wanting yet more milk.

Needless to say, we're tired. She's 18 months old. I haven't slept a decent night since I was midway through the pregnancy. Hubby is in school and needs sleep for studying and exams. I work full-time and try to get to the gym right after work. Between that and attempting to keep up the house (YAY I fixed our dishwasher earlier today with the advice found on the Web), and ensuring Petite gets to and from daycare, and all the other little things... well, I'm just tired.

I wish she'd sleep for the night. I really do.

But I guess I will just have to grin and bear it. It won't last forever and one of these days, I'll be wishing fervently to hear her sweet little voice calling out for "Mommeee." I love hearing that voice call to me. But it'd be nice to hear a dozing little girl instead.

Excuse me while I comfort a still-crying girl. Night all.

27 Percent; now that's quite a drop!

2011-03-03T10:48:00.006-05:00

On Tuesday evening, I had the pleasure to attend the brainstorming session organized by Kerri at Conceivable Dreams and held at the Ottawa Fertility Centre.

It was a wonderful evening spent in the company of some amazing people who shared their stories and who are all committed to bringing infertility to the attention of both politicians and everyday Canadians alike. There were some FANTASTIC ideas tossed around and I'm sure some members of that group will be involved with further development in the coming days/weeks/months.

That said, I learned one extremely interesting point on Tuesday night. I hadn't seen this statistic before but Dr. Leader (one of the REs on staff at OFC) brought it to my attention in his presentation to the group.

In three short months, there is evidence that Quebec's decision to adopt provincial funding for IVF treatments has decreased the rate of multiple pregnancies from the previous 30% of IVF treatments to just 3% of IVF treatments.

A 27% reduction in multiple pregnancies in only three months?! Amazing. Truly amazing. It boggles the mind. Right there is the reason why each province ought to fund treatments.

If only 3% of IVF treatments result in multiple pregnancies, that's a whole lot less women in the high-risk category. Thus they have less need for repeated ultrasounds. Less need for bloodwork. Less need for repeated visits to the OB. Less need for non-stress tests. Less need for amniocentesis procedures. Less need for (and I know it's never easy) selective reduction or other drastic medical procedures to ensure the health and safety of both mother and fetuses. Less need for long stays for infants in the NICU after birth. Less need for LOTS of expensive procedures. The cost is dramatically reduced right there.

If Ontario funded IVF, in only 10 years, the province would actually SAVE over $500 million. FIVE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS. It's mind-boggling. This really seems to be a no-brainer.

You end up with more children in the end, because more families would avail of the procedures, if they were funded. Thus you end up with more taxpayers. But you have less risk of multiple births (twins and triplets), and high-order multiples (4+ fetuses) would be almost non-existent. Hospital stays and costs would drastically reduce. In multiple pregnancies and births, often the babies suffer from long-term health issues. By minimizing the multiple pregnancies, we'd be reducing the costs of long-term care/treatment for each of these issues and we'd have more citizens to show for it.

Dr. Leader had that statistic for us the other night and my jaw dropped. No joke. With this evidence right in front of us, it only makes sense for Ontario to pay attention.

National Post Article: Quebec IVF strategy cuts rate of multiple pregnancies

Eighteen Months

2011-02-28T09:37:00.009-05:00

I still have a very hard time believing that we've gotten this far.

How did we get from this...

(Petite dozing at a few days old)

... to this?

(Petite dozing on my shoulder last week, a few days shy of 18 months old)

My little girl is growing up. She's got a happy, enjoyable (but firey!) personality. She loves her Pooh Bear and The Wiggles. She adores cuddles and kisses with Mommy and roughhousing with Daddy. She is definitely a busy, growing girl.

And I am grateful. Every single day, I give thanks.

Tomorrow morning, March 1, Petite has her 18-month checkup. (Oh I hate it when she has to get shots.)

Tomorrow evening, we go to the Ottawa Fertility Centre to participate in the brainstorming session for raising awareness in the upcoming provincial election about IVF funding. I look forward to that. I have some ideas. Petite's big brother and sister will babysit; I hope it goes well!

Things are going well with Petite's big sister in our house half-time; the other half, she lives at her mom's house. She would like to live with us full-time though. I'm not sure if that'll be possible. We'd have to check on the regulations in Ontario and criteria for student loans. If we can make it work, we may give that a shot. It's a little early to know for sure, but we're looking into things.

My BIL celebrated his birthday last week! Happy Birthday Tony! He usually hits the slopes to celebrate his birthday; he did that this year too. Next year, he'll have a 9-month old in the house (crosses fingers that all goes well) so I dunno if my sis will let him out to celebrate all weekend with the boys! LOL

This coming weekend, on March 5, my father will celebrate his 70th birthday. He certainly doesn't seem like he's 70 to me though! More like... 55 but with more grey!! I wish I could be there to celebrate this milestone with him. But I won't be; I expect we'll have to Skype instead so he can see Petite. Let's face it, he doesn't need to see me! It's all about the baby!! And that's just fine in my book.

And my parents are moving. The house they have is far too large for them now that my sister and I have both moved elsewhere and set up house in other places. The house that they've had since I was 16 will be on the market soon. It's beautiful. If I lived back at home, I'd buy it! But I can't. So they must move on. I'm glad for them that they've found a new place they love. Hopefully they can make new memories there. I hope to see their new place later this summer.

Yesterday morning, Hubby, Petite and I skipped our regular church service to attend the baptism of Sandra and Edward's triplets: Colin, Keith and Evelyn. Oh but they're beautiful babies! Petite was curious about them of course. For a few minutes anyway, and then she wanted to go play! It was so lovely to meet Sandra and Edward in person. Years ago, I suggested that they try McGill rather than Ottawa for their infertility procedures, and voilà... triplets! Hubby joked with them yesterday that maybe we ought to apologize! Sandra laughed and said that they are so pleased with the way things turned out. She looked beautiful, Edward was calm and cool and all three babies were just doing their thing. It was a gorgeous service and a lovely morning. I'm so glad we could go.

Today is a snowy Monday in Canada's capital. School buses are cancelled (which means a 'snow day' for the kids) and I debated rolling over in bed, calling the office and staying home, to cuddle with my toddler. Time passes so quickly. I just want to make the most of every moment that we have.

Sitting in her rocker (my old rocker), ready for bed, taking time for
a cuddle with Pooh while she watches The Wiggles (one week shy of 18 months)

The Voices of Women; Time to Unite

2011-02-24T08:27:00.006-05:00

My dear blogging friend, Keiko Zoll, has issued a call to action for all of the women out there, and all of the men who support them.

It doesn't matter if you are Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro Cheesehead... whatever. This crosses all boundaries and it will affect people of every walk of life.

I confess, this mainly applies to the women who are in the United States. I would (obviously) have very little pull with lawmakers in the US. However, I do have family and good friends in the USA, who would certainly be affected by the asinine bills and papers that are currently being presented by some officials. I was appalled to read of these on Keiko's blog. But dear Lord, it made me sit up, take notice... and shake my head in utter disbelief.

Imagine, if you will, being subjected to Iowa's Personhood Law (HF 153). Like me, you're infertile. You go through years of grief, finally turning to IVF. And YAY! In that IVF cycle, you have managed to fertilize all eight of your eggs! Even better, three made great blasts and were transferred. But shucks, the others aren't of good enough quality to save for future use and wouldn't survive a freeze/thaw according to your doctor. Guess what? YOU cannot make the decision to dispose of them, nor can your doctor. It would be illegal to dispose of them. C'est la vie! Because according to this one, it would be labelled murder to get rid of them. Stupidly enough, this one was authored by a female. God knows where her head was when she concocted this one. Logically, it doesn't make sense. Good Lord, has she not got a brain in her head at all? And this one PASSED an Iowa House subcomittee! Colour me confused. How the heck does that happen?? As Keiko said, "Do you live in Iowa? Does this piss you off? Contact your representative and tell them why it matters to YOU, their constituents. You can search for your Iowa legislators here online for their full contact info."

It's important to speak up about these sorts of things. Why? Because it works. Let me reiterate some of Keiko's post:

South Dakota, in House Bill 1171 (introduced by Rep. Phil Jensen), sought to redefine justifiable homicide:

Homicide is justifiable if committed by any person while resisting any attempt to murder such person, or to harm the unborn child of such person in a manner and to a degree likely to result in the death of the unborn child, or to commit any felony upon him or her, or upon or in any dwelling house in which such person is. (Source.)

As Keiko says, "In a nutshell, it would create legal precedent for someone to kill abortion clinic workers. Let's broaden this a bit: remember those blasties I mentioned a few paragraphs up? Let's say those low-grade blasties are discarded. According to HB 1171, it would be justifiable homicide to take out the offending embryologist who discarded them. Thankfully, the public outcry, both from South Dakotans and the blogosphere, was large enough that the language was changed and ultimately, South Dakota realized that maybe this whole thing didn't need to be brought to the table at all."

*blink blink*

So had this gone through, and were I a resident of South Dakota when we did our IVF, some nutcase could have taken out the embryologist that created MY LITTLE GIRL and it would be "justifiable homicide"?? Hell no! This is insane! Again, logical reasoning seems to escape them.

And this time, you know what some yahoo is seeking to do? CUT FUNDING TO PLANNED PARENTHOOD. New Jersey Rep. Chris Smith, is behind this one. Last I looked, he didn't have a uterus, but damn, he's gonna try to tell women how and where to get their reproductive care? Um... no?! How about NO!!! *mutters* Doofus...

As we all know, Planned Parenthood is much more than just abortions. They provide access to birth control, pap smears, tests for sexually transmitted diseases and testing for many women who simply don't have access to health care, for whatever reason. By taking away the ability of Planned Parenthood to do these things, they are directly contributing to the increased risk of infertility for all of Planned Parenthood's clients. Those clients will NOT be able to access the reproductive care that they need. Again, per Keiko's words, "Don't know how your Representative voted? You can check here online to see whether or not they voted to defund Planned Parenthood. Then take the time to thank those that who supported PP or speak your mind to those who did vote to defund PP." And if you would like to sign the petition that Planned Parenthood has on their website to protest these cuts, check it out. I wish I could add my voice; alas, as a Canadian I cannot.

But more than either of these, this next one gets me riled. The inanity of this one is unparalleled. It just takes the cake. According to Georgia Rep, Bobby Franklin, (who is more knowledgeable than the Supreme Court in this case, apparently), "as we all know, life begins at conception" and as such, any termination -- for any reason/circumstance -- of that life would need to be reported. This dimwit is pushing for the following legislation:

"...any time a miscarriage occurs, whether in a hospital or without medical assistance, it must be reported and a fetal death certificate issued. If the cause of death is unknown, it must be investigated... Hospitals are required to keep records of anyone who has a spontaneous abortion and report it." (Source.)

A FETAL DEATH CERTIFICATE?? F*ck me people. That's impossible. Think about it. What about the typical three miscarriages/chemical pregnancies that even non-IF women have (and don't realize it) before they carry a pregnancy to term? Cause under this law, my two chemical pregnancies would be reported and hey, I'd be a baby killer, cause you know, I have 'fetal death certificates' to show for it. Or what about the woman who learns that she has cancer and must terminate the pregnancy to receive treatment? Or the woman who learns that she is carry a fetus with life-threatening characteristics (e.g., ancephaly) and the fetus cannot survive outside the womb? Must that woman carry the pregnancy to term? And to what end... only to watch her baby die just after birth? And then she'd be given a death certificate anyway, to boot? Dear Lord. This is crazy. It isn't logical. It makes no sense.

"Just a minute Mr. Franklin, I have a RL friend who just this morning learned about this month's chemical pregnancy at 15 dpo; shall I issue her a fetal death certificate now? And maybe have her prosecuted as well for your pleasure?"

Get a grip buddy. Or maybe you won't have to. Maybe the outcry from infertility bloggers will be enough.

Go read Keiko's entire post. Blog about it. Tweet about it. Write about it on Facebook. Get it out there. Because we all need to keep abreast of the laws that govern reproduction in America (and elsewhere), in order to protect our own rights. The nation of infertiles won't stand for this and honestly, it's time that people took notice.

Brainstorming Session; Conceivable Dreams

2011-02-17T13:14:00.003-05:00

Many thanks to Neeroc (One day this blog will have a snazzy name); through her, I found out about Conceivable Dreams' plan to get some IF folks together to brainstorm.

Seems that Ontario is on the verge of a provincial election (coming up on October 6, 2011) and if elected, the Liberals have indicated their willingness to fund IVF commencing in December 2011. Interesting... very interesting indeed. This, of course, falls in line with the report produced by the Expert Panel on Adoption and Infertility a couple of years ago, and it follows last year's decision by the province of Quebec to fund IVF, and the province of Manitoba's financial contribution to helping people build families.

Knowing this information, the OHIP (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) Coalition for IVF Funding -- aka Conceivable Dreams -- held a brainstorming session in Toronto on February 1. Twenty "dynamic individuals from the infertility community" in the Toronto area came together to brainstorm about some possible ways to raise this issue in the upcoming election.

And Conceivable Dreams is doing it again.

On March 1, they're holding a similar brainstorming session here in Ottawa at the Ottawa Fertility Centre. I found out about it through Neeroc and then peeked at the Coalition's website for the information. I contacted Kerri immediately (she remembered me from the Baby Steps IF walk a few years ago! see pics here... Hi Kerri!) to register both me and Hubby for the event. And WOOT! We're in! Last I heard from Kerri on Tuesday, Feb. 15, there were maybe 4 or 5 spots left.

I'm looking forward to it. If you have ideas, thoughts or anything that we might be able to use, lay it on me! It should be a very interesting evening. With luck, something productive will come from it.

Happy Valentine's Day; chocolate anyone?

2011-02-14T08:49:00.003-05:00

February 14. Valentine's Day.

Hubby and I declared years ago that we wouldn't 'celebrate' Valentine's Day in the traditional sense. We used to now and then, but for some reason, we had a particularly bad string of luck on February 14. One year he was miserably ill with the flu and in bed, sleeping off the chills. Another year, we sat down to a candlelight dinner and started to chat... and disagreed over something, which resulted in a bad (like, REALLY bad...) end to the evening. I won't use other examples, but you get the idea, I'm sure.

So just the thought of Valentine's Day sort of turns me off, you know? It brings back bad memories and feelings. Thus, we don't really celebrate it anymore. If I have anything to give to Hubby to mark the day, I NEVER give it to him on February 14; usually it's on the 12th or 13th instead.

Regardless, we also decided that we don't need a particular day to say how much we love our other half. Honestly, that is something we do more than once a year (obviously!) so it's another day to mark, but it does give us the opportunity to remember to say it. Cause, you know, the insanity of life means that we just go through the motions some days and fall in bed at the end of the day, eager for some shut-eye.

I did get Hubby a card though, and a little chocolate (he's a worse chocoholic than ANY female I know!). I got chocolate for Hubby's teenage kids too. I didn't get chocolate for Petite, but I did get her a sweet little, very soft, doggie stuffed toy with a heart-shaped dog tag. She cuddled it and was happy. Though she did ASK for chocolate. Make no mistake, she is her father's daughter. She knows how to say "chocolate?" and stretch her little hands up towards the chocolate stash above the microwave. You see, while I didn't get her any chocolate, other family members have sent some to her, so we're sparing it along. But boy, does she love her chocolate! I've taken to spelling out the word already so she doesn't get it in her head that she's getting some! Is that nuts or what?!

Side note: I think I spell too fast for Hubby and the rest of the family to understand what I'm saying! Must remember to slow down.

And a little tidbit for you: at my office, I don't have reception for a radio, but I do have Winamp running all day long, playing random music from a folder on my hard drive. One of the songs in there is "our" song, from our wedding day. And our song is Dr. Hook's "Years From Now." I heard it first thing when I got in the office this morning. It made me smile too and brought back lovely memories from our wedding day. Hubby and I have been together for 10 years, and married for 6. Our 7th anniversary is in August this year. It was lovely to hear that song this morning to start my day.

To my fellow bloggers:
Wishing Vee and Boo a wonderful holiday in Thailand, where they'll make new and wonderful memories! Take pics please!

Sandra and Edward will be christening their triplets at the end of February and Hubby and I are going to try to attend the service. I'd love to meet them all!

Bea is about ready to have her little one. She's over 40 wks already. I'm reading frequently for the update!

And wonderful news for both Michelle at I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat and Kelly at Candid Confessions of a Southern Princess: betas are great and rising. I'm so happy for them both!

Keeping fingers and toes crossed for My Reality as she has one perfect little embryo transferred today in her efforts to have a sibling for her little girl. This cycle, things are going much the way things did when she got lucky the first time around, so I'm hoping everything works out for her and her family.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Whether you celebrate or not, there should be love in your heart for someone today, and every day!

Checking the List; Petite's Skills and Abilities

2011-02-07T08:43:00.003-05:00

FYI: This post is mostly about Petite and her development at her current age. Skip it if it's a sensitive topic for you.

About two weeks ago, I got a letter from Ottawa Public Health. I had no idea what it was; I wasn't really expecting anything. Regardless, I opened it up and I was pleasantly surprised to find a letter and checklist inside for parents of 18-month old children.

Dear Lord. I am still shaking my head in disbelief.

Do you realize that Petite will be a year and a half at the end of February?! I have NO clue where that time went but I can tell you this: I have loved EVERY SINGLE MOMENT and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Anyway, I was reminded of some of the public resources in Ottawa for parents (e.g., the public library, early years centres, community health centres). There were also health reminders, for example, to take Petite for her check-up at 18 months, and to get her innoculations. Those are on the list, for sure.

And the checklist enclosed has examples of what most 18-month old children are able to do. I peeked at it with some interest, wondering if my little girl is 'on track'... although always with a grain of salt because I know that every child develops at his or her own rate. No two are alike. The list is called the Nipissing District Developmental Screen. It could be a useful tool to see how things are going, if you're so inclined.

Regardless, here's the checklist if you're interested and my notes on how Petite is doing:

By 18 months of age, does your child...

Identify pictures in a book? (e.g., "Show me the baby?") -- Petite does this, and has done it for about two months now. And sometimes, she knows the word in both French and English. We're doing our best to ensure she's bilingual!
Use familiar gestures? (e.g., waving, pushing away) -- Yep. Waving bye-bye, picking up the phone and saying Hello/Allo, reaching up and saying "up" when she wants to get in our arms, pushing on her high chair when she's hungry, and more.
Follow directions when given without gestures? (e.g., Throw me the ball. Bring me your shoes.) -- Petite does this without any problem. "Get the duckie," and she does. "Put your books away," and she does. Or at least, she tries to. So she's doing fine here.
Use common expressions? (e.g., all gone, uh-oh) -- Both of these are common vocabulary for her now, as are many more.
Point to at least three different body parts when asked? (e.g., Where is your nose?) -- She's got it this! And again, some in both languages. She knows head, chin, ears, eyes, mouth, hands, nose, toes, knees, belly (and bellybutton!) with no problem. And she knows them on us too! If I ask her, "Where's Mama's nose?" she'll immediately touch my nose and giggle. It's cute!
Say five or more words? (Words do not have to be clear.) -- Dear Lord, she's got this one down pat. She has for a number of months. She's a chatterbox!
Hold a cup to drink? -- She is starting to hold an open cup to drink, probably within the last two or three weeks. But obviously I give her very little liquid in it, and I refill as required. I started practising this with her in the bathtub actually. I have a cup in there that I use to rinse her hair after I wash it. She wanted to play with the cup, starting when she was around 9 or 10 months old, so I added a second cup to the tub routine; one for her, one for me. She's at the stage now where she's learning to transfer water from one cup to the other to fill it. And she drinks from both cups regularly.
Pick up and eat finger food? -- No problem. She's using a spoon and fork now too at dinner. She prefers to use the utensils, but will resort to her fingers if she can't make the utensils cooperate! It's cute!
Help with dressing by putting out arms and legs? -- Yes, and she's grabbing her socks from my hands on occasion to try to put them on her own feet!
Craw or walk up stairs/steps? -- The only stairs we have in our house are to the basement, and she doesn't go down there (fuse box, wiring, cat litter, etc., would be too tempting to play with) so she doesn't practice this much at our house. We do have one step from our kitchen down to our living room, and she mastered that while crawling. She's now able to fluidly walk up and down that step and just hold the side of the wall for a little support as she does so. At the caregiver's, there are steps and she goes up them lickety-split with no trouble! The caregiver tells me that she's learning to sit on her bottom and go down as well.
Walk alone? -- For a number of months now. She was able to walk alone in her 11th month. She's actually running, spinning, dancing and starting to learn to jump.
Squat to pick up a toy without falling? -- Yes. No trouble with this.
Push and pull toys or other objects while walking? -- She loves doing this! We have a hand-made wooden frog that has click-clack wheels on it. She adores running around the house with the froggie trailing behind her making a clatter!
Stack three or more blocks? -- Yes, but she's not interested in the blocks or stacking cups all that much.
Show affection towards people, pets or toys? -- She's doing this more and more these days. She tried to pick up one of the cats yesterday, much to his disgust! But she hugs them and cuddles them. She is very attached to her Pooh Bear stuffed toys, and a blue stuffed teddy that my cousin gave to her. She walks around the house hugging them, sometimes all at once! She comes up to us as well, wrapping her arms around our legs and giving us a hug too. She is willing to give hugs and kisses to familiar people on request (most of the time!).
Point to show you something? -- She points to the TV frequently, if she wants The Wiggles! She ADORES The Wiggles! Dear God, you'd think they were the best thing since sliced white?! It's so sweet. Side note: Two of her favourite songs are "Hot Potato" and "Rock-a-Bye Your Bear." She knows most of the actions for both those songs and literally dances in the living room when she hears the first notes of each. It's sweet to see. Must make sure I take her to see The Wiggles in concert next time they come to Canada. Anyway, yes. She knows how to point at things she wants, like her water cup, food, the computer... (eeesh!).
Look at you when you are talking or playing together? -- She makes great eye contact so yes, that's not an issue with her. Which is good. Cause Mommy loves to look at Petite's sweet blue eyes. :)

So all in all, I think she's on track.

FYI, the other side of the checklist has an Activities for your Child section. Activities suggested are as follows:

Help me to notice familiar sounds, such as birds chirping, car or truck motors, airplanes, dogs barking, sirens, or splashing water. Imitate the noise you hear and see if I will imitate you. Encourage me by smiling and clapping.
I am learning new words every day. Play games to help me learn the names of things. Put pictures of familiar things, such as toy animals, people, or objects, in a bag and say, "One, two, three, what do we see?" and pull a picture from the bag.
Pretend to talk to me on the phone or encourage me to call someone.
Don't be afraid to let me see what I can do with my body. I need to practise climbing, swinging, jumping, running, going up and down stairs, and going down slides. Stay close to me so I don't get hurt.
Play some of my favourite music. Encourage me to move to the music by swaying my arms, moving slowly, marching to the music, hopping, clapping my hands, tapping my legs, etc. Let's have fun doing actions while listening to music.
Let me play with balls of different sizes. Take some of the air out of a beach ball. Watch me kick, throw and try to catch it.
I like toys that I can pull apart and put back together: large LEGO containers with lids, or plastic links. Talk to me about what I am doing using words like "push" and "pull."
I'm not too little to play with large crayons. Let's scribble and talk about our art work.
I like simple puzzles with two to four pieces and shape sorters with simple shapes. Encourage me to match the pieces by taking turns with me.
I want to do things just like you. Let me have toys so I can pretend to dress up, have tea parties and play mommy or daddy.
I feel safe and secure when I know what is expected of me. You can help me with this by following routines and setting limits. Praise my good behaviour.
I like new toys so find the local toy lending library or play groups in our community.
I enjoy exploring the world but I need to know that you are close by. I may cry when you leave me with others, so give me a hug and tell me you will be back.

In all that list, most of those things we're doing with Petite already. I need to be more diligent with naming things (the objects in a bag game) or sticking the names household items on the item itself (e.g., "table" will be stuck on the table) so Petite can see it. She's still a little young for the words I think. Not sure. She loves the music parts and actions, she has fun colouring and will point to her colouring book and markers on a daily basis, saying, "colour?" She has a fish puzzle that we got in Mexico that she walks around the house with; she enjoys the puzzles a lot. Shape sorters are fun for her too; we did that a few times just yesterday. I'm teaching her "carré vert" (green square) and she finds the green and shoves the square into the right spot. We try to change up her toys frequently. Must make a note to do that in the next week or so. We just did it a little while ago but it's almost time again now. I haven't given her the pretty, porcelain, Alice-in-Wonderland toy teacups that she was given for a tea party yet; that'll come when she's a bit older. For now, I can give her some of the plastic, non-breakable ones. She has a new table and chair set that she got for Christmas, so maybe we can put it to use... And she is definitely an electronics baby! She plays with the phone, the computer, the mouse, keyboard, etc. So talking on the phone will be a breeze for her. She and I pretended to do that yesterday actually. She held a block to her ear, and said, "Hello?" and I replied. We had a little conversation. Every time she said a word (or tried to), I responded to her. That entertained her for about 10 or 15 minutes yesterday evening. It was really sweet to see. Given that the phone is one of the main ways I keep in touch with my family, it'll be important that she is comfortable with it so she can talk to Nana and Poppy and all the aunties and the like.

Celebrations!
Oh I am thrilled beyond belief for Kellie and her husband D. After many, many years and a plethora of f*ck-ups in their home state as they attempted to adopt a child (or children), their dreams have come true. I actually squealed aloud when I read Kellie's recent post in which she told the blogging community that they have TWO children in their home now! Go read for yourself; she and D are just over the moon and honestly, I couldn't be happier for them!

And Valentine's Day is fast approaching. Hubby and I typically don't celebrate (for a few reasons) so I'll probably just pick up a card for him and a little chocolate cause I know he likes it. What do you and your other half do to celebrate, for those that do? I'm curious. Mind you, ahem... keep it clean folks!

Wishing you all a wonderful week!

Reconsidering

2011-02-03T13:19:00.003-05:00

I'm having second thoughts.

Not about whether we'll cycle again. No no. Not at all.

But about whether NOW is the right moment. And the reasons I'm having these thoughts are plenty.

When we got our calendar, the RE who prepared it didn't consult with the RE who'd do the transfer (Dr. Tan) or the urologist who will need to do Hubby's surgery (Dr. Chan).
He also didn't factor in any bloodwork that needs to be done.
And nowhere is anything about the cyst included; "we'll deal with it when we need to" was the answer.

Ugh.

Okay, so let me be clear: I have total faith in Dr. Tan and the process that worked for us last time. But any modification from the protocol that we had last time might be cause for concern.

Last time, I had been preparing for YEARS to do IVF. I was taking vitamins, folic acid, exercising regularly, etc. While I'm back at the gym, I'm certainly not a 'regular' there yet and the vitamins and folic acid? Um... no. *hangs head sheepishly*

Anyway, the third time I called the clinic to ask about the fact that we were prescribed three months worth of vitamins but our cycle was in less than one month, I got Dr. Tan himself on the phone. He looked at my file, and realized that he didn't even HAVE a copy of the calendar that was given to me! I had to put the phone down and go fax him a copy so he could see the dates himself! Sheesh!

First problem: Dr. Tan isn't going to be in the country during the week of our retrieval/transfer. So that won't work. Solution: He advised stepping up the cycle, having me take the BCPs and overlap that with the Buserelin (aka Suprefact) injections and move the entire cycle up so that we'd finish retrieval/transfer by the first week of March.

Honestly, that seems a little wonky to me. Again, if I deviate from the standard protocol, I might just be wasting my money. I'd rather take the time and in a couple of months, do it right. Assuming they can fit me into their calendar that is.

Second problem: Dr. Tan asked (via e-mail) that I start taking DHEA, but didn't prescribe a dose/frequency for me. While I can get it, I need to get more details from him so the pharmacy can make up the correct dosage.

Third problem: Dr. Tan recommended a relatively new procedure for us. It's called CGH array (similar to PGD). They would ship embryos to New Jersey to the testing facility so that they could ensure they only transfer chromosomally normal embryos back into me at transfer time. However, I'm guessing that means a FET rather than a fresh cycle and I'm not so keen on doing that. The first baby born using this procedure was born to a 41-year old UK woman who had 13 failed IVF procedures and then they used CGH for the last one. Her baby boy, Oliver, was born in September 2009. The cost is $4000 for the shipping, biopsy and testing for all embryos we produce. Using CGH can improve chances up to 50%, and can be useful for women of an advanced age. (When he told me about this process, I immediately thought of a few blogging friends who might be interested in giving this a try!)

So Hubby and I have talked about this. I really don't think we'll be doing this for a few reasons. Yes, my eggs are two years older than last time, so we do have to consider that. However, my FSH is still really good. My bloodwork is all normal. Last time, we only produced six embryos, three of which made good quality transfers, but fertilization rates were high, dividing rates were really good, and quality on visual examination was quite good for those three. If we had multiple IVF failures, then I would probably go for this. Yes. And as I said, it would likely mean a FET rather than a fresh cycle.

Fourth problem: I am on CD3 today, and I still don't have all the vitamins that I was supposed to take (for three months, remember) leading up to BCPs and suppression injections, followed by stim injections. I'm working on getting them all, but some aren't available easily in Ottawa; I expect I'll have to order them online. One in particular is from a Quebec company and is new on the market; pharmacies in Ottawa don't carry it and can't get it. Hmm, maybe I can drive across the river this weekend to Quebec and find a pharmacy there? There's a plan... So yeah, I'd like to get going with the vitamins, folic acid, all that good stuff leading me up to the proper cycle dates and medications as are laid out in the regular IVF calendar.

Fifth problem: This is one that CAN be overlooked, but when combined with the others, it makes sense to consider it...

Hubby's schedule.

If we do the IVF right now, this month, and assuming it works, we would have a newborn on or around Christmas this year. And that means that the first four months of the baby's life, Hubby is tied up in school, trying to study and get good marks. But of course, he'll be wanting to help out and bond with the baby. It just makes more sense to delay for a few months to let me get these vitamins going, and that way, Hubby will be closer to being finished his course of study for practical nursing and we won't have the time issues and considerations.

So, with all that said, I'm on CD3. I had picked up the BCPs and took the first one before looking at all the details. Sure, doing it this month would let us just get going and not have to think about it too much. But it is only because I stopped to think about all the little things that aren't adding up, that I figured out we couldn't stick to the calendar they'd given us. So in this case, thinking about it is a good thing. I'll be sending an e-mail to the docs to let them know that we'd like to hold off for the three months so we can do this the right way. That'll give us a better shot. And it would save me from the "what ifs" when and if this doesn't go well. Honestly, if there's one thing I've learned, that peace of mind is bloody crucial.

Still hanging in there, and starting prep work for our IVF cycle. So stay tuned. More fun and games will be forthcoming. I promise! For those counting, Tuesday, Feb. 1 was CD 1 (clockwork I tell ya, even with a mere 4.0 lining on CD 23!) and all seems normal. We've started looking for and taking the various vitamins required. Here we go again!

IVF #2 on deck! Ten Hut!

2011-01-28T13:29:00.006-05:00

Montréal. *sighs* Oh Montréal, I do not enjoy you. Not at all.

Especially not when there's a mountain of construction on Sherbrooke and we're stuck taking a detour and stupid taxi drivers are cutting you off, and pedestrians believe they can cross the road willy-nilly, and the cars are double parked (often in a no-parking zone!) and you have to 'slalom-weave' around vehicles to get anywhere, and... and... and...

I could go on. But you get the point.

Neverthless, we had an appointment in Montréal yesterday. We took Petite with us, because as I mentioned, I didn't want to take advantage of her daycare provider and have us delayed for our arrival, if perchance our appointment finished late.

The construction mess meant that we showed up about 20 minutes late for our 1:45 appointment, but we were quickly registered at the desk to see Dr. Tan. We had to pay the consultation fee up front. What was $60 last month was $100 this month; nice huh? The explanation for that jump is because of the whole "Quebec now funds IVF so our prices have changed." Lovely. I made a mental note to ask Dr. Tan about the other costs associated with the IVF; what else has changed?!

Anyway, in the waiting room, Petite wasn't the only child there; a few other infants and young children were there as well and Petite obligingly walked up and down the hallways waving 'hello' to one and all. ** She's such a social butterfly.

Anyway, we were soon ushered in to see Dr. Tan and he went over our file, tests, etc. As he indicated, all is normal. And there's no reason why we can't get started. He did ask why I wanted a general anaesthetic (GA) though and I replied that for safety's sake, because sedation uses an IV, and IVs are a bit of a sticking point with me, that it's better for all concerned if we use GA in my case.

And apparently that poses a problem.

You see, now that Quebec funds IVF for residents, that funding doesn't provide for GA, only for sedation when you have the retrieval. If GA were to be used, the fees would only amount to $80 and no anaesthesiologist is willing to work for that, so there are no anaesthesiologists available at McGill anymore. However, there is a solution.

Montréal Reproductive Centre.

Yup. You read that right. Montréal Reproductive Centre.

Brand, spankin' new.

Back in November 2010, Dr. Tan started up a new fertility centre in Montréal. Given that he's started a few centres in Canada, and there is a current need in Montréal to fill the gap that Quebec's funding doesn't cover (e.g., out of town patients, like us), he procured space, hired staff and has started Montréal Reproductive Centre, located on Decarie Boulevard, near Autoroute Decarie. Much closer for us in fact, as we don't have to wind our way through downtown Montréal! WOOT! For those curious, the clinic's website is http://www.mtrlrc.com but many pages are still blank; information is forthcoming.

Dr. Tan immediately referred us over there. But not before I asked some pertinent questions:

Is the cost the same? Answer: Yes. All costs are the same as the costs at McGill and he went over the costs with us again.
Who will do the work? Answer: The same doctors who work at McGill also liaise with Montréal Reproductive. We will still have Dr. Chan for Hubby's PESA (sperm aspiration); we will still have the same embryologist as is at McGill; and Dr. Tan can oversee the whole procedure more personally than at McGill.
What protocols are used? Answer: The same as at McGill because Dr. Tan is still my doctor and will still use the same process and protocol for our cycle. This was crucial to me; I didn't want to try my hand at the Ottawa Fertility Centre only to find that they're more conservative (as is rumoured on ivf.ca) and to learn that they don't use the same drugs or type of protocol, that obviously worked so well for us the first time around.
What about our files? Answer: We have to sign a release form so that Montréal Reproductive staff can access our files. The electronic files are shared via the same filing system. Hard copy files, notes and tests will be copied and within three weeks, will be available to the staff at the new office.
Bonus... parking! There's no cost for parking at the new clinic, while McGill has a nightmare of a parking lot and it costs $18 if you are there for anything more than 90 mins. As of course, we always are. There's lots of on-street parking at Montréal Reproductive and it's very close to the highway on which we come into the city.

So without further ado, Hubby, Petite and I bundled up again and went to Montréal Reproductive. Dr. Tan had already e-mailed the doctor who was there at the time (Dr. Alper Mumcu... quite nice... he himself has twin boys from IVF). I hopped on the table for a baseline scan.

Keep in mind that I was on CD 23 of my cycle.

Well, they had a helluva time finding the left ovary; it's always hiding and lots of folks have trouble with it.

The right was easier to locate, and so were the NINE follicles visible.

And so was the cyst... *sigh*

And *screams* bloody hell, my endometrium is only 4.0 on CD23? What gives?! Very weird. I attribute that to the whole "bleeding like a stuck pig, needing Provera to thin the lining" incident back in the fall of last year. Obviously, the Provera did its job and thinned the lining but wow, time for it to recover methinks! Yikes!

Anyway, the scan was done, reports printed for the file, and I got dressed again.

Dr. Mumcu believes, as does Dr. Tan, that they can once again aspirate the cyst prior to the retrieval. Which, by the way is tentatively scheduled for early in the week of March 13 and transfer on or before March 18.

Did you see that my dear readers?

RETRIEVAL and TRANSFER scheduled.

I am terrified.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an IVF calendar in my hand. As long as I start my next cycle before February 12, I am to start taking BCP in preparation for IVF #2.

And I am so scared that it's not going to work as well as IVF #1 did. It's paralysing. It really is.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out getting all these medications. The list is as follows:

For me
BCPs (Marvelon; suppression)
Buserelin (Suprefact)
Follitropin-alpha (Gonal F)
Lutropin-alpha (Luveris)
Choriogonadotropin -alpha (Ovidrel; trigger)
Estradiol (Estrace)
Progesterone (Endometrin)
Doxycycline (antibiotic)
Methylprednisolone (Medrol)
Pregvit folic acid
Betacarotene
Lycopene
Garlic
Fertil Pro

For Hubby
Doxycycline (antibiotic)
Betacarotene
Lycopene
Garlic
Fertil Pro

Oh yeah, and to throw even more fun into the mix:
March 18, the tentative transfer date, is also the date that our church choir has been asked to sing the anthem at an Ottawa 67s game to be nationally televised. Nice huh? I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Hold on. I'm back on the rollercoaster. Dear Lord... am I insane?

**Note: I do realize how hard it is for us IFers when someone brings a child into a clinic. I wish I had another choice. However, I also recognize that most will understand she is the product of infertility and ART and hopefully, they can see past the fact that there is a child right in front of them. Until the clinics all offer separate waiting areas (for those IFers without children, and those who have children with them), there's not a lot I can do. I wish there was.

Western Caribbean Cruise Details

2011-01-25T09:02:00.021-05:00

Better late than never right? Here are the details of our recent trip to Florida (for New Year's) and then our 7-day Western Caribbean cruise.

First stop: St. Pete's Beach where we spent three days and enjoyed the sights and sounds of our favourite haunts. We went to Cody's Steak House (always a staple for any trip to Florida!), the ladies enjoyed pedicures, courtesy of my sister, who as of today is 24 weeks pregnant, and we soaked up a little sun. If I had my time back, I would have chosen to stay in Florida for about a week rather than just three days. It's never enough time!

Petite's first time on a sandy beach; she LOVED it!

My dad with Petite as she gets the hang of her Elmo harness. It didn't take her long to figure out that by putting this thing on, she could have some freedom, and when she figured THAT out, my dad had quite a job to keep up with her! Here she is, running, along the walkways at the Ellenton outlet stores.

NOTE: I'm generally not a fan of harness or leashes, but not knowing what the ship was like (i.e., whether there was a space at the bottom of the railing), it was better to be safe than sorry. So we picked up this harness for Petite just in case and got her used to it.

On January 2, we headed over to the port of Tampa and boarded the Carnival Legend for our 7-day cruise. This photo was taken at Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands, as we were returning to the ship from wandering at the stores and shops along the quay.

Sunrise on board, for our first day at sea, January 3, 2011.

Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands was our first port of call on Jan. 4, 2011. Hubby, Petite, my mom, dad and I all went ashore together --via tender boat; as you saw above, our ship was anchored offshore -- to roam about and poke into a few stores. It was very picturesque and as you can see, still decorated for the holidays.

Our second port of call was Isla Roatan, Honduras on Jan. 5, 2011. A BEAUTIFUL island! OMG, it's gorgeous. We elected to do a beach break excursion. We walked straight off the ship, along the walkway pictured below, through the shopping area and over to Mahogany Bay beach to spend a few hours.

Initially, Petite came with us. She was excited to get in the water and play on the sand!

But Petite had caught a little bit of a sniffly nose, so we brought her back to the ship after awhile. Hubby stayed with her for a few hours, and then my sister and mom relieved him of baby guard duty, and he returned to the beach to spend time with me. I think this is one of the two or three pics we had taken together while we were on the cruise!

Here are the beach chairs and the area that everyone gathered in for the day at the beach. Music was coming from the nearby bar on the beach, you could rent snorkel or scuba gear (I went snorkelling for the first time in my life! VERY cool!) and the clamshell cabanas were comfortable enough to relax in. A fairly good day; I just wish Petite had been able to enjoy more of it.

January 6 saw us dock outside of Belize City, Belize. There were a few cruise ships docked for the day but in Belize, apparently it's very shallow and they haven't excavated to allow the ships to dock alongside the quay as they did in Isla Roatan. Thus, we boarded a tender boat for a 20 minute ride between our ship and the dock. This is the quay in Belize and some of the shops. Plenty of passengers, aren't there? There are a lot of excursions to chose from, but with a toddler who is too young to do any of them or who doesn't have the attention span for them, we elected mostly to just roam around the quay. In Belize, I really wanted to do the cave tubing excursion, but it just wasn't possible. Hopefully in a few years, I'll get to return and do those sorts of things.

Leaving Belize, we spotted this gem of a view. We couldn't let it pass by without taking a photo. Hubby took this one; I think it's spectacular.

And lastly, on January 7, our port of call was Cozumel, Mexico. I knew that Hubby wanted to hit the beach again, but Petite wasn't up for the length of time it took for that excursion. So I told Hubby to go with my sis and her friend so they could enjoy the beach, while I stayed with Petite. Because we split up, Hubby took our camera and went off to see the Mayan Ruins/beach in Cozumel. Petite, my dad, and I went ashore early. And later in the day, my mom, my sis and I went again. We hit the shops along the quay and I picked up a couple of souvenirs for Hubby's kids and our friends K&K.

Anyway, all that to say: Hubby took our camera so I used my mom's camera to take photos of the quay. Mom's pics haven't been downloaded yet, so I'll have to show you Hubby's pics of the ruins and the beach.

And lastly, aboard the Carnival Legend again, here are a few pics of the local flavour. The photo here is one of the piano bars on board, very near the restaurant.

Our steward, Sri, made sure our towel animals gave us a grin! Here's the monkey that greeted us one evening!

And this is a pic of our stateroom as we first saw it on our embarkation day. It can accommodate a family of up to 4 people, with a pull-out and a pull-down bed. But in our case, they had it made up for two adults and an infant. And this was a crib Petite couldn't climb out of! (For reference, we had cabin 7176, an unobstructed view on the port side of the ship.)

While on board, we celebrated my mom's birthday in Cozumel, Mexico. We couldn't do a whole lot for her, but my sis did a great job decorating her stateroom (her room and my parents' were adjoining) and we gave her cards, and sang Happy Birthday at dinner and all that. She was adamant that we not tell the staff for fear they would embarrass her!

IVF Update

On Thursday, January 27, we go to Montreal again for a follow-up appointment with our doctor. I'm not entirely sure of the purpose of this one; the test results are normal as far as I know so in my view, the next step is figuring out the calendar. But we'll see what they want us for and what they have to say. I think we'll be taking Petite with us for this jaunt, although her caregiver says that we can leave her there until we return. I just have no idea when that will be, and that uncertainty isn't what I would like to impose on Petite's caregiver. She's so good to us, I need to reciprocate. But it means taking Petite to the hospital with us, trying to entertain her and then hope to heavens she sleeps during the return two-hour drive. Wish us luck. We may need it!

Another Kid in Our House?

2011-01-12T13:37:00.004-05:00

I promise... the cruise and our vacation details will be in the NEXT post. I'm working on it. We still haven't downloaded the photos for heavens' sake!

However, yesterday brought a development that I need to share with you, my virtual family.

The long and the short of it is:

Hubby's 16-year old daughter has elected to live at our house for half of each month.

This has been brewing for a number of years actually. It's not a surprise to me, nor to Hubby really. However, the final vocalization of her desires comes as a devastating blow to Hubby's ex and her family, with whom my stepdaughter has been living.

Hubby's ex and his two kids live with the ex's parents. The ex's father is retired, while her mother runs a before-and-after-school daycare in the home. It's a three-bedroom townhouse. The daycare is in the basement. The main floor is living area, kitchen, dining, etc. Upstairs, there are three bedrooms and the bathroom. My stepson is in one bedroom (formerly an office, now converted so he can sleep there). Hubby's ex's parents have the master bedroom of course; after all, it is their home. And Hubby's ex has a room... that she shares with Hubby's daughter.

I believe a great deal of the current angst and frustration that my stepdaughter feels stems from the fact that she doesn't have a room, a space to call her own. She can't go anywhere and shut the door and have any private time at all. And any 16-year old NEEDS that in my opinion. She gets that here in our house and she likes it. She wants more. She likes being with us and spending time with us. She wants more of that too. She wants more of us. She likes what she has in our home, I think.

In fact, she wants to move in with us full-time. But legally and logistically, that might be difficult. I need to look into some of the other factors that may come into play in the future. Technically, Hubby's ex has full custody, but at 16, I know my stepdaughter can choose where she wants to live. Of course, she also knows it's easier to do things with everyone's approval rather than fight her way along and have it result in tears, anger and a lot of money spent in the courts to resolve things. She's not stupid... not by a long shot.

As well, I need to find out if she can be covered under my insurance. I believe she can be, but I need to check it out for sure. And if perchance she came to live with us on a more full-time or permanent basis, how would that affect her student loans and the like? Would our income be factored into the equation? I'm not sure; I need to look into these details before we can do anything more than offer her two weeks per month at our house.

However, I do believe that even two weeks per month will help alleviate the tension in their home at the moment. And right now, that is the first goal. And of course to keep her off the streets and in the home of family who loves her and wants to see her do her best. So right now, this is the solution and we'll see where we go from here.

Wish us all lots of luck! And if you have advice, by all means, let me know! I'm all ears. I'm being thrown into the "parenting a teenager pool" smack dab in the middle of the deep end! Yikes!

And how to refer to these players in this blog?
Hubby's daughter?
My stepdaughter?
Petite's big sis?
Oooh, maybe la grande for my stepdaughter and le grand for my stepson? After all, they're the big kids, right?
I've got to come up with something that works, for all of us!

On another note...

Go over to The Road Less Travelled and wish Happy Birthday to Loribeth! It's a milestone year for her and she deserves lots of love and good wishes for her special day! Wishing you a spectacular day and a wonderful year Loribeth!

And congratulations to Kakunaa and her DH (Spermination Station) who got a settlement they've been waiting for quite some time to receive! How wonderful to be able to do so many things with some extra money; good for you girl!

Happy New Year! And OMG, what have I missed?!

2011-01-11T10:23:00.005-05:00

Well now, 2011 has been ushered in and we're off and running again, aren't we? I don't know what sort of break you had over the holidays, but my ten-day vacation away seems like it was a lifetime ago, and I've only been back for a little over 30 hours! Yikes. Anyway, I'll touch on the holiday stuff in the next post, I promise.

So at the moment, here are some of the topics that I'm mulling over or that have affected me in some way:

Going through my mail yesterday, I received a lovely Christmas card from Vee and her little Boo. Opening it, a sweet wooden-bead bracelet fell out and Vee had written a note about how she had been wanting to send me one (we had talked about it quite some time ago). It's from the Rainbows for Kate foundation, which promotes awareness of sarcoma cancers. I immediately put the bracelet on and as I did, I shed tears for Vee's husband and Boo's daddy, Max, who passed away in 2010. I smiled through the tears and touched each of the beads of the bracelet. Max will never be forgotten and I know Vee strives to keep Max in their lives... most recently by sharing Max's love of the beach with their little Boo. (How I love the photos Vee posts!) Anyway, the card was sweet and the bracelet, very touching. I think of them often. Thank you Vee for sending that! You're such a sweetheart!

I missed the annual blog delurking week. Aw poop. That sorta sucks, as there are some blogs I've been reading fairly frequently and hope to comment on, but I just rarely get the time. I never get online in the evening after Petite goes to bed (I haven't even logged into my online game in more than six weeks!) so some of you don't even know that I'm reading! I must try to do better. I have to. That said, if perchance you're reading my blog, feel free to delurk and say hello; it's nice to know that someone's still out there.

I got the test results back from my HbA1C test; the number was 0.056 which is perfectly normal, aka not diabetic... not a surprise to me really, but it always seems to be to my doctors. They look at me and see that I am overweight and immediately assume: "Ha, Type 2 diabetes!" Guess what folks? I've been this way all my life! My weight never suddenly crept up on me. It never just "appeared" after a time of stress in my life. It never manifested quickly for any reason. IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE. This is me folks. This is the way I've always been. Yes, I'm overweight, and always have been. And my bloodwork is totally NORMAL. SO STOP ASKING. Ugh.

More good news: about the endometrial biopsy... totally normal. No sign of anything that might cause issues or cancer in the future. I'm still taking the provera from CD12 to 25 (as directed), but this month, AF is disturbingly absent. Very odd. Obviously I can't be p/g, so I'm thinking it's just a long cycle, and prolonged by the provera usage. I had some spotting last week on the cruise, but it was super light. I didn't even count it as a cycle... I'm still counting days. Today is CD 35. That ain't normal for me at all. I'll see how it goes.

Anyway, with those two tests back, and both results are normal, our next step is to call the doctor in Montreal again and we'll see where we go from here. With luck, we can get in on a calendar before mid-year. I'll give him a call when we finish unpacking from the trip and get our Christmas decorations down and packed away for another year.

Petite has learned to give kisses. Open-mouthed kisses, but it is so lovely! The other day, Hubby was going out and I was getting Petite down for her nap. Hubby kissed Petite, and then me. She was lying in my arms and watched Hubby and I kiss. She immediately parroted the gesture. She leaned up to my face, touched her lips to mine and lay back down in my arms. I smiled at her sweetness, and she did it again. Repeatedly. About 10 or 12 times in succession, she gave me kisses and each one was cherished and precious. Last night, she was playing and stopped, looked up at me, got up and came over to where I was sitting and leaned up for kisses. And we repeated that process a few more times before she was satisfied. She's so sweet.

It was marvelously wonderful to see my sister and her husband. As of today, my sis is 22 weeks along and showing rather nicely. I brought her my two bella bands so that she can comfortably wear some of her own clothing a little longer, though she has some lovely maternity pieces in her wardrobe now. And she bought a few spring/summer ones while we were away; I expect she'll need them in West Virginia in the months of April and May, before she delivers.

I came back from our vacation to a few messages on our machine, one from Petite's caregiver who wanted to let me know that Fifth Disease (aka Slapped-Cheek Syndrome) is in her house. I did a little research, as I'd never really heard much about it before moving to Ontario from the east coast. From what I've read, it's nothing really serious for a child, so after keeping Petite home yesterday (I waited until the caregiver had a diagnosis from her kids' physician) I brought Petite back to daycare today. She was happy to be back there and playing contentedly with her friends when I left. With a bit of luck, she won't be exposed to it; apparently after the rash appears, the contagious stage is past. Depending on if anyone else is in the incubation stage, she may come down with it, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
For those wondering, here are some resources for you:
Medic 8 (http://www.medic8.com/healthguide/articles/slappedcheekdis.html)
Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erythema_infectiosum)
CDC (http://www.cdc.gov/ncidod/dvrd/revb/respiratory/parvo_b19.htm)
Web MD (http://children.webmd.com/tc/fifth-disease-topic-overview)

Mel has worked wonders yet again. My God, that woman is tireless isn't she?! God love her for that. The Crème de la crème is up and running for a 5th year in a row. There are some fantastic pieces in there that deserve a second (or perhaps a first?) read. I hope to read a couple of posts a day and eventually get through the entire list. This is the first year I've participated but I hope that it won't be the last. With luck, I'll find a few new blogs to enjoy and maybe someone finds a connection to my blog and joins along. We have such an amazing community and I'm honoured to be just one little tiny part of it.

And a shout out to my neighbor, Marc, for being so kind and good and taking care of our two cats and one guinea pig while we were away. I am always grateful and humbled that I have such wonderful neighbors. Thank you Marc, for doing this. Your help has been immense and we are thankful.

Welcome 2011! I hope the year holds joy, love, peace, prosperity, fun and friendship for one and all. Love to all my blogging buddies!

T-Minus One and Counting...

2010-12-29T15:12:00.005-05:00

In less than 24 hours, I'll be on vacation.

Oh my. That sounds absolutely wonderful, doesn't it? Okay, okay. Sorry to gloat. Skip this if you don't wanna know...

We start with a few days down south in Florida. We'll be staying in an area that we've visited so frequently since I was 8 years old, it feels almost like 'coming home' when we go there. We're looking forward to it.

We'll fly down with my parents tomorrow, the 30th (please God Petite won't get sick all over me and all our seatmates like she did last August when we flew back to Ottawa from the east coast!) and my sister and her husband will meet up with us on the 31st. That same afternoon, the ladies are getting pedicures while the men tend to Petite. We'll celebrate the new year with a meal at one of our favorite restaurants (fairly early to avoid the rush and accommodate Petite of course). Drinks at our hotel for midnight will definitely be in order! Or on the beach... a stone's throw from our hotel room. Good heavens, it's sounding better and better all the time!

January 1 sees us spending the day looking for bargains at the outlet stores in Ellenton, Florida. I'm looking forward to that too; I want to find a dress for Petite to wear to my cousin's wedding coming up in June 2011 out west. Oh, and a bathing suit for her too. And a pair of sandals for me. That oughta do it. *nod nod*

On January 2nd, we all embark on a 7-day Western Caribbean cruise (Carnival) with stops in Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands; Isla Roatan, Honduras; Belize, Belize; and Cozumel, Mexico. My mother will celebrate her 69th birthday while we're aboard! YAY!

We're cruising with another family who are great friends of ours, and their children and grandchildren too. All in all, we're numbering 15 on board in both parties. This should be fun!

Although, I'll be honest. Some parts of it, I'm sort of dreading. Like the policy that because Petite isn't toilet trained (she wears swim diapers), she cannot go in any of the pools on board, even the kiddy pool. Ugh. She won't like that at all; she loves the water. Or the fact that while we have a harness for her so she won't run and slide off the end of the deck or something, she absolutely refuses to wear the thing without a total meltdown. Or the fact that we've reserved cribs for her in the hotel and at sea, but what on earth will we do if she climbs out of them? Dear Lord, please let this go well. I want us all to enjoy this vacation; we all want and need that.

Money is tight for us with Hubby in school; this trip is a gift from my parents, as decided by them last year before Christmas, when Petite was... well, really tiny! I've been looking forward to it since, but our house is so crazy, it's only in the last week or so that I can really get my hopes up. I'm grateful beyond belief that they're doing this for all of us. What an amazing gift. A few of their friends commented on how generous they are to us, to do this for us. Mom's reply is usually along the lines of, "Well, maybe if you didn't buy your kids junk or electronics and toys for Christmas, you could do that too." She's right too. Skip the iPad... I'd rather a 7-day vacation! REALLY!

Christmas with Petite was a lot of fun. She loved opening the gifts (with help from her Daddy). Nana and Poppy (my parents) loved watching her too. She got all sorts of beautiful clothing -- dresses, sleepers, socks, fleece outfits -- and lots of toys, like the Fisher Price Animal Farm, an easel to draw and colour, Weebles in her stocking, a 'remote' for the car/house (I think I'll attach that to the stroller for the trip), a French version of Leapfrog's Cook and Play Potsy, and the French version of the Laugh and Learn Musical Chair. And BOOKS! Oh so many books! And nothing that she already had! Bonus! Oh I'm so happy she loves reading!

She's learning by leaps and bounds. Ŧhe other day, all Nana had to do was say, "Do you want some breakfast?" and Petite pushed her high chair out through the kitchen doorway and over by the dining room! No joke! This morning, she uncovered the candy dish and Nana taught her that candy is "Yucky"... which she obediently repeated and put the candy down in the dish again, shaking the sugar from her fingers. (Hubby caught this on video; it's so cute!) It's been a lot of fun having her around the house, and for me, having a few days at home to enjoy her. What a fantastic opportunity. I miss that so much. God I wish I could be a stay-at-home-mom. *sigh*

I don't know how often I'll have the opportunity to post while away. I hope to, but no guarantees; after all, this is supposed to be a vacation, right? I'm playing my days entirely by ear; we don't even have any excursions booked yet! Probably for the best, given Petite's age and need for naps. At least we have a few other adults to help us out in that department.

So, in case I don't get another opportunity, I'd like to take the time to wish you and yours a wonderful New Year. May it be filled with joy and love, peace and prosperity. And oh God, may all our dreams come true in 2011. Wouldn't that be something special?

Much love as we all close out 2010. Onward and upward for the new year!

A Tad Scattered

2010-12-21T14:37:00.003-05:00

Petite's had her first haircut. And it went relatively well. She didn't get upset or cry. She was quite good in fact. Except of course that she's rather squirmy and wanted to get down to play with the various toys in the shop. I tried to keep her entertained and snapped a bunch of photos as the stylist was working with her. It turned out pretty well. I must try to upload a photo when I remember it.

Good news yesterday; at 18 wks 6 days, my sister had an ultrasound. They're going to have a boy! As one of my friends said, "One of each for your parents to love!" We're thrilled for my sis and her husband. I get to be an aunt to a sweet little baby boy! YAY!

The countdown to Christmas has begun. I've still got a litlte shopping to handle, though not much now. I have wrapping to do too. And groceries. And Petite needs to get her picture taken with Santa. And then after all the Christmas insanity is done, I have to get out the suitcases and try to pack for vacation. Somewhere in there, I have to get bloodwork done. And take the van for servicing. And remember to keep up with the choir practices, and appearances at church services. Oh my.

I need about 30 hours in a day in order to get all this stuff done.

And oh please, if I could sleep soundly for about 7 hours of those 30? Now THAT would be novel. *falls over, from lack of sleep and really low iron stores*

I'm hoping your holiday stresses are few and your joy is plentiful. Peace and goodwill to all.

Post-Appointment Details

2010-12-15T10:36:00.005-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted; it's been a little crazy at our house this week, what with the lack of sleep on Petite's behalf, trying to get my Christmas cards out the door (God I'm slackin; I usually have those done by the first weekend in December!), cleaning in preparation for my parents' arrival tomorrow afternoon for the holidays, shopping, other appointments, etc. Anyway, here's the scoop on how things went in Montreal.

We first saw Dr. Tan's fellow -- a lovely woman -- who took down many of our details and went over our latest round of bloodwork and testing. She expressed concern about the thickness of my endometrium on CD4 (just over 10... far too high really), and concern about the cyst, and concern about the heavy bleeding I've been experiencing.

She indicated that a functional cyst, even if removed, will return in most cases. Thus if birth control pills won't get rid of it, and if it doesn't disappear between now and our IVF cycle, they'll aspirate like they did before.

She was worried about the endometrium. As she told us, women who have PCOS are usually prone to developing hyperplasia (the growth rate of endometrial cells is quite rapid) and if left unchecked or treated, it CAN develop into something serious (aka cancer). However, if checked and treated, all it may need is medication to control it. And if it isn't hyperplasia, it wouldn't need anything at all of course. To be certain, she recommended an endometrial biopsy, so she booked that for the same day, right after our appointment with Dr. Tan.

Next up, we saw Dr. Tan. First we went over our results from our first (and only to date) IVF. He was pleased, of course. Then we talked about my LH and FSH (both quite good). We talked about the cyst. We talked about the heavy bleeding and endometrial lining. He recommended that I continue with the Provera that my Ottawa-based RE prescribed as that can help thin out a thick lining and may help the cyst issue. Next, he wondered about my HbA1c. That's a test that measures glucose levels over a period of weeks/months. While my fasting glucose is fine, he wants to check the long-term stuff to ensure I'm not diabetic or borderline. I doubt that I am and I'm not worried. So I'll get that bloodwork done in the next week or two. After that, Dr. Tan looked at my last results with the menopur. Back in the fall of 2008, I was taking 225 IUs. He said that given my age and the previous results, he'd recommend bumping it to 300 IUs for the next IVF. He said that they would follow the same protocol, doing ICSI and assisted hatching and graciously, he's going to allow me a general anaesthetic as well, which is something they usually don't do and of course, isn't normal for their Quebec patients who receive federal funding for IVF. Like I said to the fellow, I'm paying for this out of pocket. If I want general for the retrieval, I'll get it or I guess I'll go somewhere else. Dr. Tan was happy to let me have a general if needed. I think it'd be better for everyone if we do it that way! Though, I might try to push through and just have the twilight stuff. We'll see as time goes on. We aren't doing this tomorrow, after all. Through the appointment, I was comfortable referring to various blood tests, and other medical terminology of course. He stopped and looked at me, "Are you a nurse?" I laughed. "No, but I've been dealing with infertility for a very long time. I know what I'm talking about, and now I'm an advocate for infertiles and for obtaining funding for Canadians." He was pleased by this as he still can't understand why one province or two might give preferential treatment based on residency. It's discriminatory and as he said, it's time to change that.

So after the details were decided, we moved out of the consultation room and after a short wait, we popped over to an exam room to do the endometrial biopsy. (NOTE: Gentlemen, you might like to skip this paragraph.) For those who haven't had the pleasure (I jest of course!) of an endometrial biopsy, the procedure is fairly simple. Assume the, now familiar, position. And lady, dear mother of all that is holy, when I tell you that you'll need a long speculum, get a long speculum, willya? Don't make me suffer through a few attempts with a less-than adequate device that just friggin' WON'T reach my cervix, m'kay? When you get the right length, then we can proceed. *waits patiently* Got it? Good. Let's get on with this, shall we? Then with the speculum inserted, she took a long (more than a foot and half I'd estimate) straw-like, flexible, thin catheter-type thing, inserted it past the cervix, into the uterus and with a few pokes and pinches, withdrew endometrial lining (deep red in colour) and pushed the material out of the straw into a specimen jar with fluid inside. She did this entire procedure twice, pulling bits of lining from a few areas inside the uterus, deposited it into the jar, closed the cover, and shook the jar to mix thoroughly. And off to the lab it went: results will be expected in 2 weeks to 2 months. And she prescribed an antibiotic (doxycycline) to ward off infection that might occur post-procedure.

Next up, we got an appointment for hubby with the urologist who did his PESA a few years ago. Dr. Chan went over hubby's results from last time, examined him quickly and proclaimed that he'd use the same procedure, extracting sperm samples from two sites on Hubby's left testicle), and he expects the same results. Just in case, we still have a vial of donor sperm on ice at the hospital. We could use it if needed, but Dr. Chan and Dr. Tan expect we won't need it. And right on the spot, hubby and the doctor signed the consent forms. All done! Whew!

That was it for the bulk of the appointment. We now wait for the biopsy results. When they come back, we are to call Dr. Tan directly and he'll set up the next steps for us. He was quite happy to be able to do that for us and he expects good things from our next IVF as well. I'm glad he's optimistic. Truth be told, I'm optimistic too, but God, I'm so afraid to be! This whole 'trying again' thing has me sorta tied up in knots. I'm terrified of failure after such a good result the first time. And we don't have the money to fund more than one try this time either. So I have to temper my hopeful thoughts a little and realize that we may not get this lucky second time around. One step at a time, right?

On Tuesday, after we'd arrived back in Ottawa, I called my RE here to get the requisition for the bloodwork (HbA1c) and to check on the prescription for Provera and when I need to take it (CD 12-25). They were happy to know about the biopsy as well. I'll make sure they get results too.

There you go. Now we wait, I get my bloodwork done and fill my Provera prescription. And with luck, we can get the ball rolling in a few months.

In the meantime, oh God, if anyone has ideas about how to get a toddler to stay asleep in her bed overnight, let me know?! We're EXHAUSTED! Hubby is doing final exams this week so he'll get a bit of a break after this. But right now, we're stumbling through our days. The other morning, I fell asleep at a stoplight on my way to work! The car behind me honked and I came to my senses. I need more than the few hours of sleep I'm getting. Gotta fix this.

The other day, Hubby was doing Petite's bedtime routine with her, and he said, "Go give Mama a kiss," and she did. She walked right over to me, threw her arms around my neck, snuggled in close and then backed off my shoulder a bit, tilted her head up and brought her lips in to give me a sweet, little open-mouthed kiss. I almost cried. Seriously.

A milestone: I've booked Petite's "first haircut" for this coming Saturday, December 18. Two years to the day that we got our BFP. And my angel is about to have her hair trimmed. I can't really put it off any longer; I won't have my daughter going on vacation with a mullet! LOL

Love to all in Blogland. Still reading your blogs, but I find it harder to comment lately. Again, the "need more time" thing is coming into play. But I am reading! Promise.

T minus 13 hours... gulp

2010-12-12T21:27:00.005-05:00

Thirteen hours from now, I'll be sitting in our specialist's office in Montréal...

... scared sh*tless.

I have no idea how this appointment is going to play out, but I am nervous tonight as I contemplate the various scenarios.

I just hope I don't walk out of there like I did our first appointment with the staff at McGill. I remember sniffling in the parking lot, bawling my eyes out by the time I sat down in the car and totally breaking down on our way back home. I was terrified.

At that time, we had already done so much and gone through so many tests, tears, grief and pain over the previous six years, I didn't know if I could pull myself together to get the "rest" of the tests done for the folks in MTL.

But I managed. We did it.

And look where it got us.

Please God, let tomorrow go well. I would love to make our little girl a big sister at the end of all this.