A Date with the Dildo Cam

I went to the local RE's office today to have an ultrasound and to discuss my blood work results from the tests done last cycle.

I came out of there with a smile so broad, I'm sure I looked ridiculous. In the car, I even let out a little "Wooo!" of glee.

It's been awhile since I had the pleasure of an external ultrasound as well as the good ol' dildo cam. Oh joy. It wasn't anything that I wasn't prepared for; I guess having gone through so many tests and so many years of IF, it's not a shock for me. I hear that some women are terribly traumatized by the dildo cam. I can understand that; certainly if you're not ready for it or you feel violated or invaded. I never really did, and I've learned to guide technicians to the right spots to best view the ovaries. (You know you've done this too much when...)

Anyway, the tests were finished, and I went from the ultrasound room on the main floor to the offices upstairs for my appointment with the RE.

He opened my file and blinked. And I quote:

"Wow. Gil. This is great. You have the LH and the FSH of a teenager."

I'm so lucky. In the same breath he told me he'd seen a 36-year old earlier this week who is in early menopause. My heart sank for her, and her hopes of having a family with her own eggs. I don't know what that's like but I do realize that so many of us do.

Anyway, I suspected that my results were good, as I had obtained a copy of them from my GP a couple of weeks ago. But I didn't think he'd consider them quite that good. So I'm really pleased with his reaction.

And better yet, I have TEN (count 'em!), TEN antral follicles! I am super pleased with that bit of news! I still have that functional cyst on the right but at the moment my estradiol is not reflecting elevated numbers so it's not affecting the hormone levels. That bodes well for aspiration of that cyst prior to starting a cycle, sort of like we did the last time around.

Would you believe he shook my hand and said, "Good luck. We know you're fertile so I really hope the second time around works as well as the first."

Fertile. Oh my. I've been called a number of things... some good, some rather derogatory, but "fertile" is not a term that I'd apply to myself. That's for sure. In fact, we are definitely infertile; we NEED IVF to create our family. That's never easy. But it's something we can do. So we'll look at pursuing it.

Again.

We've cleared the first hurdle.

Good thing. Because regardless what opinion the local RE has, I guarantee you, I'm no teenager.

Odds and Ends

My head is a jumble of things. So here's an odds and ends post in points for you. That's sorta what happens when I get busy and I'm not entirely sure what to post, but life goes on and there's a whole lotta stuff going on these days.

Hubby just celebrated his 44th birthday on Sunday, April 15. This date was also the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, off the coast of my home province of Newfoundland. It was a beautiful morning so we took Petite out to a park for some fun on the swings and the slide. She had so much fun. She didn't want to go down for her afternoon nap! That evening, we went to my friend's house (yeah, she fell asleep in the car and I drove around for 40 mins while she slept). My friend made dinner for everyone, we brought dessert, and everyone had a lovely meal. It was delicious! Happy 44th Birthday honey. I know this past year hasn't been all that amazing to us, but with a little luck and some hard work, 2012-13 WILL be better. I love you. Never doubt that, even in my most bitchy PMS moments!

While at my friend's house, Hubby did his 2010 taxes (yes, he's woefully behind). Dear baby Jesus, if the figures are right, he owes about $3500. So much for the vacation we had hoped to take in February of next year... It may all go up in smoke. Crap. I was desperately hoping that we'd be able to pull that off. We were all looking forward to it but if he owes that much, I just don't see it happening. Anyway, learning that put me in a rather disheartened mood on Hubby's birthday. And that's a miserable way to be on his special day.

Added to the fun, I was PMSing pretty badly. Aunt Flo was due and every three or four months, I get PMS badly. The bloating. The moodiness. The discomfort. Aches. Pain. Swelling. It's not fun. And it just so happened that all peaked on Sunday. Ugh.

Yesterday, Petite had a bit of a runny nose. Today, she sounds stuffy and she was definitely more clingy this morning. She may very well need to be home later this week, snuggling with Mommy and Daddy instead of playing at daycare and spreading her germs.

Just as I suspected, Aunt Flo has arrived. (CD1 is today, April 17.) I called to schedule my ultrasound and follow-up appointment with the local RE, which will be on Thursday afternoon. We have an appointment booked for May to go to Montreal to determine what next steps we take, if any, given that whole 'need-to-pay-a-boatload-of-taxes' stuff. More ugh.

Thursday night, just after midnight, my parents arrive for a week-long visit. Timed perfectly to catch Petite's cold, I'm sure. (Will we repeat the visit from Hell? Stay tuned for Part Deux!)

And just to make things more fun, Petite is supposed to have her allergy testing on Saturday, the 21st. I certainly won't make her do that if she's laid up with a miserable cold though. Poor kid.

I started going back to the gym at the office. I have to work through my lunch in order to squeeze time to do it, but I've been doing it for more than a week now. I have to continue doing this, for me and for my family. I want to be here to experience Petite's life and if I don't get things under control, I fear she will lose her mom before she is ready. I have to do everything in my power to keep that from happening.

We need to make some upgrades to the house, but until the finances are in order, that can't happen either. I had hoped to purchase some stone and enlist my dad's help this weekend (weather permitting) to redo the edging on the flower bed. That may have to wait. We'll see. There's also the time factor; I simply don't know when I can go purchase these sorts of things with the schedule that I have to keep. I need to replace our pool liner (usually costs about $5K). We need to redo the backyard fence badly. I wanted to reallocate an area in the backyard for Petite to play and buy a little swing set for her. Alas, I expect that won't happen right now. It's frustrating to know that all this work needs to be done and right now, the cash flow isn't there to handle it. And how in the name of God do I expect to do another IVF? Am I insane? I just don't know.

Oh, and we had an insurance rep come to the house to discuss life insurance for Petite. I had been thinking about that for quite some time and meant to do it. Last week I got off my butt and did something about it. That eases my mind a great deal. But again, finding the money to pay for these things. Wow. It's overwhelming how much cash goes OUT of our pockets for so many things.

Easter was good, if low-key. We didn't give Petite much chocolate; she's still being rationed on the stash from Valentine's and she's only just finished what she received for Christmas! But we did get her a few little ones and hid eggs around the main floor of our home. We also got her some Easter goodies, like a skip rope, a bug barn (she's fascinated by ladybugs), an Easter book, Easter decorations for her room, bubbles for outdoors, and a few things like that. She had a whole bag of toys and fun stuff to open and play with.

For Hubby's birthday, I bought tickets for us to go see Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall. What an amazing show! We had a blast. My stepson and my friend's daughter (who are good friends themselves) babysat Petite together. They did great and it was lovely to get out for an evening with adults. I'd like some more of that sort of thing. But I suppose I have to actually find the money to do it with, right?

Petite is now MORE than adept with my iPhone! She's able to find and start up her favourite games, scroll through my photos, and take pictures of her own! I would think that for her third birthday in August, I'm going to have to get her something like an iPod and load it with her own apps, and things, and buy the kid-friendly protective holder for it. Technology huh? Well, it goes without saying that she'll be exposed to it in our house. Now to keep her from hollering for "Tom Cat!" (aka "Talking Tom Cat"every time I put her in her carseat.

Oh such wonderful news! Remember back in the fall, the whole "Win a Baby" contest on our local radio station, The New HOT 89.9? Well, this morning the third of five couples announced a pregnancy! AMAZING! So out of the five couples, three are pregnant now, and one of those three is pregnant with identical twins! The ultrasounds are really cool to see and so many people are extremely supportive of them, keeping fingers crossed and sending good wishes, all that sort of thing. Wonderful, wonderful news. How lucky they all are. Would that we could all have our IVF financed and avoid that costly, difficult step. I am sure they all know they are truly blessed.

Have a great week everyone.

{This Moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by FindingChaos/Soulemama.
A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment'
in the comments for all to find and see.

Blood Work Results and More Appointments

So after a consult with a local RE awhile ago, here's where things stand.

If we're looking at trying again (and I'll be honest, I'm seriously debating this at the moment), we're better off going to Montréal again, back to McGill. The local RE (at OFC) is quite happy to liaise with them and monitor here in Ottawa as required. I called McGill and made an appointment for May; we'll see what happens.

In the meantime, the RE here started some preliminary blood work. Here are the results that I discussed with my GP this morning.

Sample taken on March 23, 2012 (CD3) with the following meds:

1.0 mcg synthroid (for hypothyroidism) and 0.75 mg sandoz-diclofenac (for psoriatic arthritis, which is quite bad at the moment)

LH -- 1.0 (LOW for Follicular phase; 2-13 = normal)

FSH -- 6 (6-9 = good... while under 6 is excellent)

TSH -- 3.06 (personally too high for me)

Estradiol (E2)-- 185 (70-530 normal) * Note for my American readers: This converts to 50 in American levels.

Ferritin -- 42 (31-72 indicateds REDUCED iron stores, but it's better than where I was!)

Moving forward, my GP has prescribed Metformin again (to regulate the PCOS). She increased my dose of synthroid; my TSH is way too high for me to be comfortable. I knew weeks ago that something was off. My face is puffy; my eyelids are swollen in the morning and I'm biting the insides of my cheeks daily which is a huge sign for me that my TSH is too high. She discussed stopping the diclofenac just prior to doing the IVF (as we know it can be harmful in pregnancy). And she is not concerned with the iron levels, even though they're somewhat reduced.

From what I also see, my LH is low, but that can be regulated in an IVF cycle. And I believe that my FSH of 6 is not too shabby for a woman who will be *gulp* 42 next month. I will discuss these things with the RE when I have an ultrasound later this month to check antral follicle counts and discuss the blood work results.

More blood work to follow before our appointment in May: upcoming is Prolactin, CBC, HIV, HbsAg, HCV, and Rubella... along with the blood group (which I know is A+).

I don't know. I just don't know if this is the right path at the moment. But I need to follow this road a little and see where it brings us. The plan was always two. But can we? Should we? Does this make sense? I don't know. I truly do not know and I'm torn this time around. WE got so lucky. Who's to say all hell won't break loose this time around? That terrifes me, to the point of freezing in stasis and just letting time pass until it's too late.

I just don't know...

But on my way home, I'm picking up my prescriptions and I'll up my dose of synthroid and get back on the Metformin. We shall see...

Insensitive Twits and Stupid Callousness (AKA April Fool's)

Rant incoming.
Yes, it's MY blog. I get to bloody well rant when I want to. And be aware: strong language is likely part of this one.




Holy mother of baby Jesus.

Stupid Face.book updates abound on April Fool's Day, don't they? Seriously! Now, I get it: I know I'm probably more sensitive than the general population, having dealt with 6+ years of infertility and going through hell and back. But yanno, I really, really don't find it one bit funny that people decide to post a picture of a goddamned ultrasound and chose to announce a pregnancy to the entire fucking world in this manner.

Look at your history. Maybe you had a little, tiny bit of trouble (read: three months worth) trying to conceive one of your children. Maybe you even sought out the help of a true infertile at one point to talk to, to attempt to understand what she goes through, or to try to learn about what tests the infertility doctor might have you do at your scheduled appointment. Maybe you realized before that damn RE appointment came around that you were actually pregnant (stupid fertiles).

Maybe you should stop for a moment, just a fucking MOMENT, and think; think about all the people on your FB friends list that ARE infertile and dealing with IUI, IVF, donor gametes, injections, surgeries, etc. to try to have a baby. Or those that have had a miscarriage. Or a stillbirth. Or those that have given up hoping. Those that are dealing with depression because of their inability to have a family. Those that have decided to live childless but not by choice... and who yearn daily for years to have a child.

Maybe, just MAYBE you should grow a fucking brain before you post an April Fool's Day status update stating that you're pregnant.

Oh wait... too late. On the brain part that is.

Because my friends, yes indeed, there are the brainless wonders that post an ultrasound in that FB status update. I kid you not. A fucking ULTRASOUND. Good flying fuck. If you did this, I have to say, you are without a doubt an absolute twit. You are, in my view, a stupid idiot. You would be the absolute height of insensitivity and callousness. You, stunned brainless git, need to be slapped silly. You have absolute GALL to flaunt the mere possibility of being pregnant in the face of all of those people that grieve, yearn, try and cry. That means that you are one of the most insensitive and stupid individuals that I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

Seriously.

Take that shit down. That is cruel and unfeeling. Grow the fuck up. And be a damned adult... assuming you are an adult (questionable, at best).

ENOUGH.

Man, this shit makes my blood boil. Can you tell?

Two Weeks from Hell

Okay, so I've been quiet lately. Honestly? I'm just coming up for air right now. It's been a couple of weeks from hell. Seriously. We couldn't have scripted it any better. No joke.

My mom and my aunt came to visit. Fantastic, right? Oh definitely! I love seeing them and spending time with them. I am blessed in that they have the opportunity and are close enough in proximity to travel a couple of times per year to see Petite. They do enjoy doing that. We all lament though that my sister and her little boy are so far away in West Virginia. It's tough not being able to see him more frequently as he grows up. He'll be one year old at the end of May and I would LOVE to see him for his birthday. *sigh*

Anyway, so my mom and aunt arrived.

I think they brought the pox/plague with them.




They arrived on Wednesday. The day after they arrived, Mom said she wasn't feeling well. Just... "off" so to speak. By Friday night when we went out for supper, she was definitely having chills and not looking her finest. Saturday she spent in bed. She thought she had a bit of a fever. And she was having aches and pains. She desperately needed sleep.

Alas, my two cats are definitely nocturnal and they just LOVE to roam through the house, meowing, pawing at closed doors, tearing around, doing anything and everything possible to interrupt sleep. One of them sat on my pillow and bit my hair/head the other day, so badly did he want me to get up and feed him at 3 a.m.! I was NOT impressed.

Oh, and then one of them puked in the hallway and Hubby stepped in it. *sigh again*

My aunt, thankfully, survived with a tickle in her throat, but I am told it developed into something more drastic when she returned home. Ugh.

Added to that the fact that the day before they were to leave (Wednesday), I had taken the day off to spend with them. I was looking forward to my Tuesday off, spending it at home with them all, maybe taking them shopping while Hubby watched Petite in the afternoon.

That wasn't to be either.

On Monday, our fridge died. FAST. Great: the one week that we have nice, warm, sunny weather that is abnormally hot, our fridge gives up the ghost!? Freakin lovely. I spent Monday evening making space in our little bar fridge for essentials and moving freezer stuff down to the deep freeze in the basement. Then I started scouring around for a new fridge. We found a few possibilities.

And thus we spent the entire day on Tuesday fiddling with that. Getting a fridge, getting it delivered ASAP, moving it in, moving the other one out (removing doors as per law), and changing the handle on the new fridge, cleaning it, moving stuff into it, tossing old stuff out, etc. What a nightmare! We had taken out a roast for Mom to cook that day for a family dinner, but in the end, we were far too tired to deal with that. However, the roast was thawed so we had to cook it. We did. And then ordered pizza for supper after a long, tiring day. I really needed to put something stronger into my tea that night, that's for sure.

Okay, so they flew home one week after they arrived, and Mom apparently dropped her bag in the hallway at home and went to bed for three days straight. Poor woman. My goal isn't to exhaust my mom and aunt when they visit yanno. Jeez. Some hostess I am... We never got to the new Ikea. We never even hit Costco! We didn't get to go shopping like we planned. Mom hoped to be able to babysit one night for us so Hubby and I could go to a movie or something. But none of it happened. Seriously. The. Week. From. Hell.

Three days after they left, I came down with whatever Mom had. A flu I guess. I had no vomiting or stuffy nose, none of that sort of thing. But I had aches. Chills. Pains. Stiffness. Dizziness. Exhaustion. BADLY. I went to work on Friday, but on the weekend I spent many hours in bed.

And over that weekend, Petite got sick with a cold. Nice. Snot everywhere. We went through two boxes of tissues. She had to stay home with me on Monday. And she was stir crazy. She didn't want to nap (and I badly needed one). She didn't even want to eat (fine enough, as long as she drank something). Tuesday came, and I was so out of it. I HAD to stay home. And she wasn't quite well enough to go to daycare for the second day. So she stayed home with me, again. But it was worse.

When she wouldn't nap, I left her to play in her room with her gate closed so I knew she was safe. I drifted in and out of a dazed sleep for about 30 or 40 mins. However, upon hearing, "Mommy help! I'm upside down!" I quickly hauled my sick ass to her room. What I saw made me collapse in a heap. I texted that photo to Hubby and simply cried. He left work to come rescue me. I was a mess. Needless to say, she was better enough to go to daycare by Wednesday.

And I stayed home, yet again. I'm still not quite back up to snuff, dealing with a bit of tunnel vision and vertigo. But I'm managing.

It gets better right? Please Lord, let it get better.

Oooh, one bit of good news. One of the local winners of last year's contest (The New HOT 89.9's Win a Baby contest... which won awards by the way!) just announced on the station this morning that her first IVF cycle in January is a success! She would be about 6-7 weeks right now and is due in November! I'm SO happy for her and her husband! Amazing. May the road to her rainbow be a fantastic ride!

Oh yeah, and I had my CD3 bloodwork last Friday to test LH, FSH, TSH, E2 and Ferritin. I still have the bruise. We'll see what happens.

{This Moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by FindingChaos/Soulemama.

A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment'

in the comments for all to find and see.

"Mommy, I touched dino poop!"

Fertile Future

In the IF community, here among ALI bloggers, we know of many who have been down the hellish road of dealing with cancer as well as infertility. Sometimes, cancer precedes infertility and treatment can lead to infertility.

But there are ways to look ahead, down the road, and change that outcome.

Fertile Future is a national organization, based in Ottawa, that is dedicated to preserving the fertility of young people who are diagnosed with cancer. The organization has an all-encompassing approach that helps young people across the country (in 40+ affiliated centres) with fertility preservation, as they face cancer treatments and tackle health issues head on. On their website, you can find a number of resources.

• success stories



• stellar REs (ours included) on the board



• patient support



• ambassador program



• cost reduction program



• registered, charitable organization info



• newsletter



• events



• and more!

This year, on May 10 in Toronto, Ontario, they are holding An Evening of Hope. It will be an evening of art, food, wine and well known Canadian broadcaster and handsome weatherman, Anwar Knight, will be the Master of Ceremonies. Tickets are now on sale, or if you would like to donate to Fertile Future, that too is an option. If I'm not mistaken, one of my old schoolmates, Rick Mercer, hosted a benefit for Fertile Future here in Ottawa last year sometime. (God knows, Rick is always hilarious to watch; that hasn't changed since high school!)


I think this is a wonderful cause. Kudos to the organizers and all of those involved. While I didn't have the added stress of cancer to accompany our infertility diagnosis, I know many in the ALI community who have and something like this is a beacon of light and hope in the dark night as they try to find their way. May An Evening of Hope this year be absolutely wonderful!


A shout out to FET Accompli who brought this to my attention. (If you're reading this, get in touch with a link to your blog so I can add you to my own reading list please??!!) It's so important for us to discuss the affects of cancer treatment on fertility and how best to preserve fertility for future opportunities.

Belated {This Moment}, etc.

It's late, I know, but this is a photo of Petite from last Thursday. She had her first dentist appointment (wow, I didn't know they would do a cleaning for a 2-year old!) and she did really well. Too bad it was quickly followed on Friday by a fever and discomfort. I suspect it's teething; at the dental appointment, we clearly saw her upper right eyetooth coming through her gums. Poor girl.

• Tomorrow morning I work early and take half the day off. Petite and I will head to the airport to pick up my mom and my oldest aunt. They're visiting for a week with the intent and purpose of spending as much time as possible with Petite.
  


• I picked up Hubby's birthday gift the other day. He will be 44 in April and I know he will LOVE this gift. I can't wait to tell him what it is. He'll be thrilled! I know it.
  


• A former elementary school classmate has an exhibition launch at the Museum of Science and Nature next week in Ottawa. Unrequited Death promises to be gorgeous. Helen was one of two or three fabulous artists (hmm, do you call a child at age 7 or 8 an artist? or just an excellent 'draw-er'?) in school and we always knew she would follow through and do something artistic with her life. As the show is in my hometown, and I would love to attend, Helen ensured that I got an invitation and so next Wednesday, Petite and I will be going to the Museum for a couple of hours. I'm so looking forward to it! I must remember to be home in time for Petite's bedtime though! Lest I have a cranky girl on my hands. But it will be wonderful to see Helen and her art!
  


• It looks like spring may have sprung in our corner of the world. I hope so. The snow pile on my lawn is down to a manageable level (read: I can see across the street now!) and warmer temps mean that we can leave Petite's snowsuit at home in favour of a splash suit and rainboots in the morning. My girls loves splashing in the puddles, that's for sure!
  


• In 2013, my high school will be holding a 25-year reunion. Dear God, it's been that long? Organizers are busy planning things and with luck, Hubby and I will be able to make it. That would be wonderful. The other vacation we're planning next year is somewhere warm on a beach in February. The -30 temperatures that we get here in February aren't much fun so we're going to plan to do an all-inclusive somewhere, with my girlfriend and her daughter, and my stepson too we hope. Suggestions? Anything other than Mexico or Cuba are possibilities. If you have recommendations, I'm listening!

Have a great week everyone! Enjoy your March Break!

Happy Birthday Poppy!

My dad's birthday was yesterday. He turned 71 years old. For his birthday, I didn't give him anything; there's nothing I can give him that he truly wants. Except...

Petite grabbed the phone, saying, "Wanna talk Poppy." I handed it over and listened. She chatted for a moment, answering Poppy's questions. Gently, I reminded her, "What do we need to say to Poppy today?" She looked up at me, "Happy Birthday Poppy," she said loudly into the mouthpiece.

What happened next, I couldn't even script.

She said, "Wanna sing Happy Birthday." So I said, "Let's sing it together," and I helped her get going:

"Happy Birthday... " and she was off and running singing to her Poppy, loud and strong.

I gave him a great gift after all; well, Petite did. It was such a good gift, it made him cry. That's saying something. My dad is old school; he never cries.

Except when Petite sings to him obviously.

Happy Birthday Dad. I'm so glad you had the chance to hear your granddaughter singing Happy Birthday to you and telling you how much she loves you before she kisses the phone and hands it back to me.


On a personal note, much to my surprise, this is post #401. I can't believe it's been more than five years since I've been writing here, and it's been nine years that I've focussed on infertility awareness. Time flies when you're having fun!