OMFGOAPS (aka Jackpot!)

I feel like we've won the jackpot this morning.

Two.

There are two.

The pic for the bottom twin is blurry; the doctor would like me to go to another place with a much more powerful ultrasound next week to make sure. But measurements are good and all looks fantastic. And we saw a heartbeat for the top twin.

I am in shock. Happy, elated, ecstatic, amazed, stunned, joyous shock.




Addendum:
Now go vote for Mel (Stirrup Queens). She's been nominated as one of the best medical/health blogs. You can vote once per day. Believe me, this woman deserves this award and so much more. She brings attention to the issue of infertility and has given us all a place to congregate and talk, garnering support when we need it and distributing reliable, useful information when we need it. She is a godsend and I personally cannot wait to buy her book! Now GO VOTE!

Nervous

I am trying my best not to focus on the ultrasound that I'm supposed to have at 8:30 tomorrow morning. It's the 'viability' scan that will determine a number of things.

• Is there actually an embryo in there or is the sac empty? Is there a fetal pole? If there isn't, tomorrow is going to be a super rough day. I'm glad hubby is going to be able to come with me.
• If there is an embryo in there, will the heartbeat be good enough? Will we be able to see a heartbeat at all at 6 weeks 6 days? I would think so, but I'm still nervous.
• And if there is an embryo, is there just one? Or are we looking at *gulp* multiples? Like hubby says, "One is great. Two and we'll do okay. Three and I'm going to need therapy!" (I say just one; beta numbers seem to indicate only one anyway.)

Regardless, I'm so nervous about tomorrow and I am terrified to walk into the local RE's office and have that ultrasound.

One foot in front of the other, right? In the meantime, I'm saying tons of prayers for good luck tomorrow.

Congrats to Vee and Max on being right ahead of me and having seen a heartbeat this week! I'm so thrilled for them both!

So what's next on this journey?

I haven't posted any updates. Sorry! I'm a slacker huh? I do apologize. I think the reason I haven't posted is I'm afraid that the moment I say, "Everything is going fine," that something will go wrong! Ever the pessimist huh? I got scolded about that on Saturday by my stepdaughter in fact.

On Saturday, hubby had his kids and I spent the day out shopping with my friend and her daughter. Everyone was at our house for supper that night. And as it so happened, everyone at the table knows that we had a positive beta though as we told them all, it's super early and a lot of things can go wrong so don't get your hopes up yet, etc. ad nauseaum!

Anyway, we're having dinner and somewhere along the way, hubby brings up the fact that if this p/g goes to term and we have a *whispers* baby in August, then all his children's birthdays will be three months apart, starting with our child in August. And then the three kids at the table started chiming in, "Yeah, I'll be almost 15 when the baby comes," and, "I'll be 13 and a half!" and my friend's daughter, "Maybe we can babysit!" and on and on it went. I just sat there and looked at them all, my mouth kind of agape in disbelief. It was all so very surreal for them to be talking about OUR child. OUR baby. This p/g. It bowled me over. I held up my hand. "Stop! Dear heavens stop that. You can't do that to me guys. One day at a time please. Lots can go wrong. It's still very early. I have a lot of tests and things that I have to get through to make sure everything is okay," etc.

My stepdaughter looked at me and in a flat tone retorted, "You're always so negative about everything." And everyone at the table looked at me and nodded.

And in a way, I guess they're right. I don't necessarily want to be negative. I just want to be prepared for the worst. I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up now that I've had a positive beta, that it just makes me super nervous!

I know the road of infertility all too well. But I've no clue what to do next now that I have made it past a positive beta! This part of the road I've never even seen before. It's like driving in a new country for heaven's sake and I think they're Brits or Aussies. I'm on the wrong side of the road! Eeek!

Anyway, while my clinic in Montréal didn't want a second beta, my local clinic did. So I went this morning for that bloodwork. We'll see what the numbers yield. I'm so nervous. I fear that they will have dropped (indicating m/c). Or maybe doubled but not fast enough (indicating ectopic p/g). Or maybe jumped so high that hubby will be scared we have triplets in there! I don't know. I'm just waiting to hear the news...

I still need that hand-holding. Don't let go yet. Please. I need all the hands I can find!

By the way, my sister commented to me that she thought that there are some very sweet blogging buddies out there because she was touched by all the comments you left me. And I am grateful to have you all beside me because the support you give is incredible and above and beyond what one would expect. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You mean the world to me.

12dp3dt

And still no sign of AF. The cramping that I was having has almost totally subsided (which kinda scares me in a way) and I am on the edge of my seat. Literally. I sort of have to be though; I'm moving offices by Friday to accomodate people in the new building at work. (God love my co-workers; they know my situation and three of them offered to help pack and move my stuff!)

Anyway, the thought that consumes me is: what I wouldn't give to have some sign, something, some indication, that there is hope. (Shlomit, I am so jealous in that respect!) Alas, I am afraid to let "Hope" in. Because I have learned that as soon as she gets a foot in the door, she brings the haggard wench, AF, along with her. So I am being hyper-cautious about tomorrow's beta. And honestly, I'm scared out of my wits!

I'm trying to keep busy and not stress. I'm trying to find little things to do to keep my brain occupied. That is proving to be almost impossible at this point with less than 24 hours to go.

I go in at 7:15 to pick up the requisition, take it downstairs to the lab, have the blood drawn and hopefully, by 4 or 5 p.m. I will know something. As I said in the virtual lushary today over at Mel's, I will take a milkshake for the moment, but keep a stiff drink behind the counter for me. I suspect I might be able to have the red wine and camembert that Shlomit was talking about!

I haven't opted to take any part of tomorrow off work. I expect that I will get the news later in the day, after the work day is over if the timing of phone calls from the clinic during the IVF were any sort of indication. So with luck, I won't have to leave the office in tears. By the same token, I won't be jumping for joy and screaming out in happiness, thus prompting colleagues to wonder if I've lost my mind. (Answer? Yes.)

Bah. Who am I kidding? It'll be the "tears" rather than the "jump for joy." Remember, this is me. Buttered side down. Always. Besides, I am sure it's the PIO that is keeping AF at bay for the moment. Maybe some of you who've gone down this road can enlighten me on that.

And I get through this one day at a time... I am so glad you are here with me though. I need some handholding right about now.

11dpt3dt

Emotional?

Hell yeah. In spades.

On my way in to work this morning, I was listening to a CD of music that hubby and I made for our wedding four and a half years ago. On that CD was Enya's Orinoco Flow (aka Sail Away).

I burst into tears somewhere along the River Parkway.

Why? You're going to think it's stupid and silly, I know. I never told you this, but during the transfer on December 5, the doc insisted that he play an Enya CD while he worked. In fact, he wouldn't start the transfer til they had found the CD (someone had hidden it on him as a joke). He was adamant that playing that CD during transfers brings all his patients good luck.

Good Lord, I can only hope he is right. Because right now, I am a total emotional wreck. Based on that alone, hubby thinks we'll get good news on Thursday. Personally, I'm still doubtful. I expect spotting to start any moment now...

5dp3dt

It's been a week that is... well... I don't know really. Odd. Busy. Quiet. Fluctuating between insanity and peace. Let me explain.

I spent the first two or three days after the transfer resting. Sure, there were things to do around the house, and hubby was SO good taking care of most of the necessary chores. But resting all the time? Sheesh. It's for the birds! Please enlighten me: how do you 'bedrest' moms do it? My hat's off to you. By the end of day two, I had an aching back, I was bored to tears with TV, my shoulders hurt like the devil and I was going stir crazy! So yes, for those of you curious, I rested most of the weekend and through Monday.

However, as some of you know, I live in the capital of Canada and right now, it's a little nutso out there. Political ploys from all sides have meant that a new Liberal leader was chosen, the old one having yielded his seat to a newcomer, and Parliament is prorogued until January. Nice... so basically no one does anything. Like that's any different from what would usually happen.

Tuesday arrived and with it, a huge mess of snow. It took me two and a half hours to get to work on Tuesday morning (what is usually a lovely 40 minute drive, tops!). And the snow just kept on coming. By 2:45 our managers told us to leave and go home. It took me a solid two hours to get back home again too. Ugh. Overnight last night, more snow (we had almost 11 inches since yesterday morning) and so I had to battle with it all again this morning.

Mind you, this morning was full of more fun and joy because here in the capital, the public transportation system employees are out on strike. No buses. Now, while I have to drive to work (there is no bus that will take me there in any semblance of a timely fashion), my hubby takes the bus. And he works in the heart of downtown, a stone's throw from the Parliament buildings. So I had to battle traffic this morning to get him downtown to work first, and then find my way out to my office. We left the house at 6:35 and I arrived in my office at 9:15.

I think I'll just take up residence in my car. It'd be easier at this point.

I am also trying to wrap my head around holiday stuff. I haven't sent a card, bought a gift, wrapped a present, put up a decoration (except the outdoor lights last month) or prepared any special holiday treats. I have two weeks to get off my duff and handle some of that! Tonight, if the weather cooperates, we're going to pull the Christmas décor out of storage. Now, that's not just in my basement. Oh no. A few years ago I decided that I had far too much Christmas stuff to keep in the house and I rented a small storage locker for it all. So we keep it there and we go retrieve what we need, when we need it. It's safe, dry, warm and it keeps all that stuff from being underfoot. So we're hoping to get it all tonight, with a little luck.

As for symptoms? What can I tell you. I'm afraid to tell you anything really. But I am not sure there's much to tell anyway. The transfer was last Friday. All day Friday and all day Saturday, it felt like there was something going on, sort of like there was a construction crew in my uterus! I could almost picture the foreman in a hardhat blowing a whistle, ladders and steel beams being lifted into place!

As of Sunday though, nothing. Nada. Zip. I didn't feel a thing. Okay, I did, and still do, feel an ache across my lower back that isn't normal for me at all. But not feeling anything anymore? That got me worried. And so things have been like that for a day or two...

Until today. I'm a little off today. Somewhat dizzy (if that is possible?); my equilibrium seems off. I'm not sure. Queasy isn't quite the right word, just "off." If you know what I mean. It's hard to explain.

I am not going to let that wench, "Hope" too far in though. We all know what happens when she takes hold. I have to follow the old saying, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst." So I take it one day at a time. I'm trying to take my meds properly, stay away from the foods I'm not supposed to have, stay hydrated and all that good stuff. Good thing too, because I discovered a NASTY side-effect of the PIO! Let's just say that all the fibre in the world wasn't gonna help me! Eeesh. No one told me to prepare for THAT!

And the PIO shots are progressing okay. I feel some semblance of control with them as long as I prepare the injection. It makes it a little easier to handle. The one and a half inch needle is NEVER easy to handle though. That stings like a mother! Ouch! The other night we had gushing blood as the needle came out. Not good; we stained the bedsheet and there was blood everywhere. Let's hope that doesn't happen frequently.

So at 5dp3dt, I'm tentative. Somewhat melancholy. And I'm trying my darndest to stay super busy. I am however, absolutely thrilled for Shlomit! I can't go so far as to say we'll be on mat leave together hon, but I am still keeping my fingers crossed; for both of us!

On a personal note... this comes from an e-mail that I received today from my mom. I gave her the link to the blog and told her to "go look at your grandchildren; it may be the only picture you ever get!" Her response:

"It was exciting to see my grandchildren but I will not get too excited yet. I just pray that everything works for you and for us all-remember we have a stake in this too. I will say one thing, I do admire your tenacity; lesser people would have folded long ago. I think it may be a bit of the 'family' stubborness that keeps you going. Whatever it is, go girl. Just make sure you stay healthy for yourself and for everyone around you."

I love my mom. I really hope I can give my entire family some good news sometime soon.

Embryos on Board!

At about 11:45 this morning, three embryos were transferred amid laughter, jokes and smiles.

















We did the PIO shot at about 8:10 this morning and hopped in the car to head to Montréal with me holding a warm magic bag to my derrière to ease the ache of the PIO injection. Although I despise those shots, the actual shot isn't so bad at all; it's really the ache afterward that bugs the heck outta me. And if I get lucky and I need to take that shot for the next 11 weeks or so, well, so be it. I'll do whatever I have to, whatever I can, to make this work!

We got to Montréal, checked in with the nurse's station and were soon ushered into a changing area. I slipped into my own hospital gown (the nurses keep telling me I ought to make them and sell them because my hospital gowns are so pretty!) and hubby slipped into one of their basic-blue gowns. I put on my pink fuzzy socks, and then we both put on the foot coverings for the OR and the hairnet things for sterility. To give a little levity to the situation, we took a few photos.

Footsies! My fuzzy pink socks















Waiting















A typical "Facebook" pic (we're TRYING not to laugh!)
















And now for an "Emo Facebook" pic!
















They called us into the OR and I got set up... even though I really couldn't relax until I got the embryo report. I was so nervous waiting for that. I guess it's like that for most of us, right? Just on edge as you worry and wait to find out whether the entire cycle is cancelled, or if the embryos are too poor to use, or whatever the case might be.

Anyway, I lay there on the table, and the embryologist came in to give us the report:

All six embryos continued to progress, however two of them showed too much fragmentation to freeze and their quality was 4 on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being the best (in a natural, non-IVF cycle) and 5 the worst. He advised not considering those two.

The best three embryos were, as they said, "perfect." Or as near to perfect as they could be. All three were 8-celled embryos, two of them had no fragmentation at all (he gave them a grade of 2), one had a minor touch fragmentation (a grade of 3) and according to the doctor, those three were all we needed. I had sort of hoped to transfer a fourth one, but because of its fragmentation and lower cell count, they advised against it.

As we all know, transferring higher numbers only gives you more of a chance to have multiples, not more of a chance to get a BFP. So in his professional opinion, backed by the embryologist, they advised to transfer the best three, and discard the other three (as they wouldn't survive a freeze/thaw cycle).

I held my husband's hand, I looked at the doc and embryologist and said, "This is my first IVF. I'm 38 years old. I want to give it the BEST shot we can. If you both, in your experience and knowledge, advise to transfer only three rather than four, we go with three."
















Three it was. Three "perfect" embryos. Hubby took the above picture before they were loaded into the catheter. And the nurse said, "So the most important question is, do they look like you or your husband?" We giggled. I replied, "Two look like me, one looks like him!"

And so we proceeded.

Embryo Pickup
















In the OR (the nurse is on the right, embryologist on the left, doc is barely visible!)
















I don't know that I want to give the embryos a nickname for blogging purposes. I know lots of you call the embryos cute names like squirt, bean, peanut and the like. I debated giving them French names for the city in which they were created (Soleil, Noel) or music names (Peter, Paul and Mary), or latin names (Alpha, Beta, Gamma), or numbers (Un, Deux, Trois), or even names of my favourite writers (Shakespeare, Ronsard, Thoreau) ... but I'm not going to get attached. Just in case. So I might just call them MB (for embie) 1, MB 2 and MB 3.

So now we settle in for the wait. And the cryptic blog entry titles will begin in earnest! Here's hoping for a 2ww that is not stressful, full of fun and laughter, busy with Christmas preparations and joyous in the end.

Thank you all for the good vibes. I really appreciate the happy thoughts that you are sending me right now.

Transfer Scheduled!

I just got the call on my cell phone. Our transfer is set for Friday morning at 11 a.m. and they want us to be there at 10:30 for good measure. (Thus I have to take a PIO shot at about 8:30 before we head out the door.)

I spoke with the embryologist. Here's what we have:

1 x 5-celled embryo
4 x 4-celled embryos
1 x 3-celled embryo

2 look good
4 look average

I am relieved that all six have continued to progress; I was terrified that none would divide and that we would be left with nothing. I am going to keep my fingers crossed that today they continue to do well, and with luck, 3 or 4 will be transferred tomorrow morning. Please heaven, I need LOTS of luck... I'll take any good vibes that are out there!

Fertilization Report

I just got a phone call from the embryology lab in Montréal.

All six mature eggs were successfully fertilized with ICSI.

They expect our transfer to happen on Friday; time to be determined.

And I'll hear a further report from the lab tomorrow on the progress of said six embies. *crosses fingers*

Retrieval... CHECK!

It's going on 7 p.m. and I'm finally up and around and able to give you guys a quick update about the retrieval today.

I was scheduled for 9 a.m., and asked to be there for 8 a.m., and hubby's procedure (PESA, aka sperm aspiration) was scheduled for about 10 a.m. So we were up at 4:30, and out the door by about 5:15, and we arrived in Montreal by 7:40 and parked the car before going up to the 6th floor at the Royal Victoria Hospital to the IVF nurses' station.

We sat there for a little bit before we were ushered into a prep area and I changed into my super cute hospital gown and "sexy" fuzzy pink socks. And we waited. And waited. And waited some more. I was so nervous and my lower back was just killing me... I assumed either I didn't sleep well or it hurt because of the fact that I had more than one or two follies that were finally letting go.

I tried to keep my arms warm (for the IV) and I gave it my best shot at relaxing by sitting quietly with my MP3 player; the music I have loaded onto it often helps.

Eventually a couple of nurses came to talk to me and we discussed the general anaesthetic possibility and my extreme phobia about having an IV. Like I explained to them, "If you are going to give me something akin to Lorazepam in the IV, then why not give me a Lorazepam straight up now, to help me relax enough for the IV to go in easier... for both YOU and ME?" They saw some logic in that and gave me a Lorazepam to dissolve under my tongue and that helped to relax me. IMMENSELY. They let me sit there a bit, as it took effect and they never took me in until closer to 10 a.m. instead.

Mind you, when it came time for the IV, I was still nervous and it hurt like bloody hell. They permitted hubby to be there with me during the entire procedure and I tried to focus on him and his voice instead. Luckily, the anaesthesiologist realized my fears right off the bat and they were RIGHT READY with the drugs to knock me out. Hubby says I cried for a few minutes, and I remember saying to him, "Jesus, it hurts, take it out, take it out!" and burying my face in his arm. After that... nada.

Hubby stayed to watch. Apparently they retrieved 8 eggs, and we got the report before we left the hospital that 6 of the 8 were mature. Certainly not the double digits that I was hoping for, now is it? And considering they are hoping to transfer 3 or 4 embryos (if we get to transfer that is), then I'll be crossing my fingers that all of them get somewhere on the scale, although I know that isn't realistic.

The good news from today: they found viable, GOOD sperm from my hubby's procedures! He tells me that they aspirated from four different locations, two on each testicle, and that they looked at each sample right away. The right side seemed to have the better sperm, with regards to both count and motility at first glance and they expect they won't have a problem using it, rather than the donor sperm for ICSI. And we were told that when it comes time to transfer, they'll be doing Assisted Hatching as well for us. Hey, whatever it takes... right?

So tonight, hubby and I are resting. I had a fair bit of bleeding post-procedure and hubby is rather sore and, well, let's say he's walking carefully! We did take a few pics; I'll post them later. But for now, that's your update. And we just wait for the embryology lab to keep us in the loop now, with a possible transfer set for Friday.

Ha ha... and they've set my Beta for December 18. Now THAT'S funny!

Thinking of you Shlomit and I'm still hoping that things go better for you this time sweetie! *hugs*

Trigger Shot DONE!

The trigger shot went well last night at 10 p.m.; it was indeed a sub-cue injection Pam, not an IM shot (thank God!). We decided not to take any chances by attempting to leave the Ovidrel with guest services. I would have had to crucify someone had they lost it or destroyed it or something. So hubby drove out to meet me in the parking lot instead.

The trigger shot was scheduled for 10 p.m. and by that time, the concert was almost done anyway, so I didn't miss much by popping out to have the injection. Although I did confirm with an usher prior to going out that I could indeed come back in if I wanted to, given that the show was just about done. Anyway, trigger shot went without a hitch. I'm hanging in there, hoping that I didn't ovulate on my own and that all will be well tomorrow for the retrieval.

I have to have some faith. Please heaven, I have to have some faith. Or hope that someone has some faith for me.

Retrieval is Scheduled!

When we last left our story, our little group was growing nicely. I thought I might post the latest news and an update.

I can give you the following facts and details:

Last Thursday
CD 6, pre-stim ultrasound scan
Large cyst (right side), 5 follicles left side
E2 bloods (156)

Last Friday
CD7, pre-stim cyst aspiration
Ultrasound scan
7-8 follies on the right, 4 on the left
Lining 4.5

Tuesday
CD 11, Day 4 of meds
Ultrasound scan
7 follies on the right, 3 on the left (such an underachiever, that left ovary!)
largest measured 1.1 cms
Lining 7.5

Wednesday
CD 12, Day 5 of meds
E2 bloods (1036) (this had been forgotten on Tuesday and I had to wait for the requisition to come in for the bloodwork to be done)

Friday in Montreal
CD 14, Day 7 of meds
E2 bloods (need to get result)
Ultrasound scan
7 follies on the right, 3 on the left; largest measured 1.6 cm, smallest measured 0.7 cm
Lining 8.5

Saturday in Montreal
CD 15, Day 8 of meds
E2 bloods (need to get result, and OMG, what a mess of bruises on my inner forearms!)
Ultrasound scan
7 follies on the right, 3 on the left; largest measured 1.9 cm, smallest measured 1.1 cm
Lining 10.1

I asked about what sizes of eggs they would collect and I was told that they collect anything over 1.6 cm and right now I have 7 that already measure that large, and two sitting at 1.5 cm that they expect will catch up. So tentatively, I have 9 follies to possibly work with.

NINE. That ain't bad for a chick my age! At least, I don't think so. Sure, I would have loved to hit double digits but I'll take what I can get right now. I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth.

I got a phone call this afternoon to fill me in on the details for the retrieval. It's scheduled for Tuesday, December 2 at 9 a.m. I have to be there for 8 a.m. I've just taken my last injections of Gonal-F and Luveris (my Lord that stings like the bejeezus!). I have to take my last injection of buserelin tomorrow before 6 p.m. and I have to take my Ovidrel trigger shot at 10 p.m. on Sunday night. And I have spent so much of today totally nauseated. Some days I rarely feel any effect, other days, I am just sick to my stomach. I guess today just happens to be one of the latter. Ugh.

Question for you bloggers who are experienced with trigger shots in difficult circumstances:
I am supposed to go to the Neil Diamond concert on Sunday night. I need to take my trigger shot at 10 p.m. and of course, Ovidrel needs to be refrigerated. What do you think my options are for that injection? Do I...

• take the meds to the concert, leave them in the car (it's below freezing here these days) and go to the car to do the injection?
• take the meds to the concert, ask to leave them in a fridge at guest services (with prior approval) and collect the Ovidrel to do the injection at 10 p.m. in a washroom?
• ask hubby to drive us and bring the injection to me for 10 p.m. trigger outside the concert hall, in the car?
• leave the show early enough to get home for the 10 p.m. trigger?
• other?

What do you suggest oh wise and experienced IF bloggers? What have you had to do in these types of cases? How do I do this AND see the concert too? Thoughts?

I heard this week that my girlfriend T in Montreal is now on bedrest for the remainder of her p/g. I know it's been difficult for her; I must give her a call.

I also got word from Journey that after 2 positive HPTs, her Beta value was only 2 and she is miscarrying yet again. She and her husband E are frustrated and upset of course and now there will be further investigation into possible clotting disorders. I hope they get the answers they need.

So for right now, we are trying to get through one day at a time, follow instructions to the letter and make sure that we're ready for Montreal on Tuesday, December 2.

Nervous? Hell ya. Hopeful? Lord no. Eager? Definitely. Let's see what this yields when all is said and done. And now I think about what I'm going to do in my 2ww (assuming I get that far) to keep me occupied and not go entirely stir crazy.

This weekend I'm keeping busy with my friend MH and his wife KC and their 5-year old twins. Tonight, the kids saw their first Santa Claus parade in our city. And they are LOVING the snow! They're from California so they haven't seen snow before and it's giving us a lot of laughs to watch them enjoying it to the fullest! They'll be back for Christmas so I am hoping there is more snow for them to frolic in then. Enough to make snowmen, and forts, and snow angels and all that good stuff.

Love to you all and a 'coucou' to my Cyclesista friends and visitors. Keeping my fingers crossed for all of us cycling this month as we all hope for some good news, and possibly the best Christmas gift we could ever wish for.

The Follie Report from the Trenches

This morning's results from the local RE: A-OK.
For once. *exhales*

The uterine lining is measuring right on track, triple layer and all. And my local RE can see at least nine follies, all measuring between 9.5 and 10.6 mm in size. He was pleased to see that all the follicles were growing at approximately the same rate and honestly, so was I.

I was terrified as I lay on that table, expecting him to find another cyst. Or a follie that wouldn't grow. Or all the follies that wouldn't grow. Or signs of OHSS. Or... any one of a number of things. I am sure I was shaking as he examined me. Only after he said that things look good did I finally breathe.

So we're still on track. Those results will be faxed to MTL this morning and if there are any changes in my meds, I will hear from the RE there later today. Still keeping my fingers crossed for no more hiccups!

I was talking to my RE about the cyst aspiration and he was glad they could do that for me. He asked about the stims, retrieval date, and number of embryos that MTL hopes to transfer. I told him that given my history and my age, they expect 3-4. He told me that the MTL clinic just recently had great successes; one in particular was a woman who is 44 years old, who got lucky with twins after a transfer of 5 embryos. With luck, I'll get there before I'm 44, though I know many of us on this path pursue treatment long after that age these days. For us, we saw the first urologist for hubby's reversal in 2003 when I was 33 years old (a year and a half before our marriage); I'm now 38. I can only go for so long, yanno?

Anyway, we go to MTL on Friday, then possibly on Saturday again (depending on Friday's scan) and retrieval is scheduled for Monday, December 1. Do you realize that is in less than ONE WEEK? I'm not there yet, but I'm slowly approaching that milestone; another first in this journey. And hopefully, it will yield results this time.

On another note, I went to my SIL's baby shower on Sunday past. It was a relatively small affair and I wanted to go to show support for her. She is due on December 26. I didn't mind the shower much in and of itself. But two things did make the afternoon hard.

Firstly, all the beautiful gifts, baby clothes, toys, everything, was passed around for all the guest to see. I can't bring myself to fawn over those things just yet. It makes my heart ache a little too much. I couldn't even go buy an ITEM for her for the shower; I had to resort to a gift card. But as I explained to her, I couldn't possibly know everything that she had or what she still needed. And better than that, they're about to move into a new house (next weekend) so they may realize when they get there that they need something for the baby's room (e.g., curtains?) that I wouldn't possibly be able to get for them without their input. Anyway, the gift card will go a long way.

Secondly, there was going to be a game that necessitated teams. And as it so happened, the numbers worked out so that the "mothers" were going to be pitted against the "non-mothers"... in a challenge about how much each team knows about babies. I sighed. Luckily, the afternoon seemed to get away from us and we never played the game. I was never so glad to get out of a game in my life. I guarantee.

My thoughts are with Journey as she just got a BFP although she and her husband, E, are cautiously optimistic. You see, they have seen a BFP before but Journey had an early miscarriage. So we're crossing fingers that this time is the right time for them.

Another Scan Tomorrow

Tomorrow I go back to the local RE for another appointment with the dildocam to see how my follies are doing on all these meds. Normally, they would do a "Five days on stims scan" but the local RE is unavailable on Wednesday so they will let me do a "Four days on stims scan" on Tuesday instead. My appointment is 6:45 a.m. tomorrow morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

I must say, so far the injections are going well. We had one incident with the Gonal-F pen the other night where the tip of the needle just wouldn't pierce my skin; it just dented my tummy repeatedly! So after a couple of tries like that, we changed the needle because it was obvious that one wasn't going in at all! Needle changed, we never had a problem after that. Hubby is getting to be a pro at sub-cue injects. My tummy is starting to feel a tad full, and I woke up completely nauseous this morning. To be expected now and then I guess.

Cyst Be Gone!

I'm back from MTL and I am glad to report that the cyst aspiration went without a hitch.

My hubby was able to be in the room with me and he watched the cyst on the ultrasound as it shrunk in size and disappeared from the screen, all while holding my hand and letting me dig in a nail or two when I felt the pain of the needle poking through. It felt like a lot of pressure in my abdomen, like a stitch in your side that doesn't go away, and it sorta took my breath away a little but nothing drastic. Mind you, I know my pain threshhold is rather high, so I expect some women might feel it much more intensely. At least now I know what to expect for the retrieval in early December.

The actual procedure took less than five minutes so it wasn't bad at all. And I have to say, those are the most comfortable 'stirrups' that I've ever had the pleasure to be in: padded, nice and long up your calf, and cozy in fact... actually WARM. Odd to describe stirrups that way isn't it? Would that all doctors had that style of stirrups!

When we were done, I asked the doctor to tell me how many follicles were on the right side (my monitoring ultrasound couldn't see them all because the cyst was in the way). He started counting...
SEVEN.

I have seven follicles (at least) on the right, and at last count, five on the left. For a grand total of about 12. Not bad. I hope that continues and that I get a bunch of them to mature in the next week or so with the Gonal-F and the Luveris.

So we returned to our home last night and at about 10 p.m. we started laying out all the injections. I'm currently taking the following meds:

• Metformin (500 x 3 times per day) for PCOS
• Levothyroxine (0.5) for Hypothyroidism
• Pre-natal vitamin
• Buserelin (20) sub-cue injection
• Luveris (75 IU) sub-cue injection
• Gonal-F (225 IU) sub-cue injection
• And hubby started his doxycycline (oral antibiotics) last night too.

MTL would like me to have a monitoring appointment on Wednesday the 26th as well. And next Friday, I'm back in MTL for an appointment so they can see me themselves.

So this cycle is still on track. At least, for now.

Next week, I have a distraction. my best friend MH and his wife and kids will be arriving on Thursday for the long Thanksgiving weekend in the States. I cannot wait to see them, and it'll be the first time I get to meet their kids. It'll be wonderful. We're ALL going to MTL next Friday; me for my appointment and with luck, we can take their kids (boy-girl twins, almost 6 years old) to the Biodome or something. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do to entertain children in MTL? Advice most welcome.

Oh and Mel? Thank you for putting a link to my blog on Friday's L&F. I really appreciate it. Support is a great thing and I know the women (and men) here 'get it' and can offer their good thoughts. Sending hugs your way for the kindness.

Impromptu Trip to Montréal

In about an hour, hubby and I are heading out the door for a previously unscheduled and certainly impromptu trip to the hospital in MTL. They got the results of my ultrasound and my bloodwork from yesterday, and I arrived home late yesterday afternoon to find a message on my phone:

"If you can be in MTL tomorrow, we can aspirate the cyst using the same procedure as we do for a collection (retrieval) and you can continue with your cycle, starting stims tomorrow instead of today."

WTF? You're kidding me?

I called them back and after a bit of phone tag, around 5:45 p.m. I had the details. So with luck, this cycle won't be scrapped after all AND I won't need a full laparoscopy to eliminate the ovarian cyst.

I'm not going to count on this though; I'm fully expecting something else to crop up and cause a problem. But we'll see what the day holds; keep your fingers crossed.

Buttered Side Down

I don't know where to begin this entry. The thoughts in my head are so jumbled and mixed with intense emotion; none of it good.

I went for my pre-stim scan this morning and I was nervous and anxious as I slid up onto that table for my appointment with the dildo-cam. The RE asked me, "How are you doing?" and my honest reply was, "I really don't know."

So for the semi-decent news:
Lining measuring 5.3 mm on CD6.
On the left, five little follicles just hanging out.
On the right, at least three little follicles doing much the same thing.
But that's not all.

No. Not for me. Never! It wouldn't do just to have happy little follies kicking back and waiting for the Gonal-F and the Luveris, would it? No Gil. You get more! You get the full freakin' monty!

Right there, in all its huge glory was a cyst.
A honking big cyst measuring over 3.5 cm in diametre.

And we all know what that means right? *adopts game announcer voice* Tell the young lady what she's won Johnny!
Well now, to start off, I am pretty sure you've won a cancelled cycle Gil! Congratulations! And there's a bonus prize of having another laparoscopy to boot to aspirate that cyst! And then, when all that is done, you get to go back on the BCPs to start all over again! Woo hoo!

I couldn't believe it. A cyst. Another cyst. It didn't respond to the BCPs that I was taking (similar to my previous cyst on the right side three years ago). So that likely means that it'll take a lap to remove it. Nice. Just what I wanted.

Then, because there was a cyst found, the orders were to have my E2 measured so that meant bloodwork. I went down to the lab in the same building and I found a GREAT woman there (Karen!) who saw how distressed I was. She told me to have hope. She hugged me. She saw the tears in my eyes and the frazzled look on my face. She was sweet. And she got a vein on the first stick (admittedly I showed here where was best to stick based on My Angel's success with that area on my forearm).

When that stress was done, I had the pleasure of shelling out just over $2200 for my Gonal-F and Luveris, which luckily doesn't expire until sometime in 2010. I came right home to stick the sensitive meds in the fridge.

And now I wait.

I wait for the ultrasound results to be sent to Montreal.
I wait for the bloodwork results to be sent to Montreal.
I wait for Montreal to call and tell me that my cycle is cancelled. (It will be I'm sure. We all know how this goes... but I have to wait for the official word from them on this.)
I wait for Montreal to tell me when they can do a lap for the cyst and when they need me for pre-op stuff... assuming they will take me at all.
I wait for something GOOD to come of this. But I really don't see a silver lining. Not at all.

Right now, I am angry. I am stressed. I confess, (and if you are religious, I apologize in advance) I hate that God is throwing roadblocks in my way. I hate that He obviously deems me unfit to parent. On my way back from the doctor's I wondered why He didn't just take me now and get it all over with. Christ, wouldn't that be easier??

I hate that I have to go through this at all. None of this should be this way. None of it. Ever. And this morning, I hated the fact that I had to go through all this alone this morning.

Like I said in my last post, seems I am the bread that always lands buttered side down on the floor. And so it continues...

Standing on the Edge

Tomorrow morning I go for my pre-stim scan at my old RE's office (he works in collaboration with the clinic in Montréal). While I'm there, I'll stop at the pharmacy and pick up the Gonal-F and the Luveris because ladies and gentlemen, (oh who am I kidding, 90% of you are ladies, right?), if the scan goes well, by tomorrow night I'll be doing THREE injections instead of just one.

And you just know how I'm gonna love that, right? Given my fear/phobia of needles?

...

NOT.

I'm starting to feel that this cycle is real. I'm starting to feel like we MIGHT have a shot at this. That's dangerous. I'm starting to feel that old b*tch creep back in, you know the one; starts with an "H" and ends with "OPE". And dear heavens, that scares me. I am so afraid to let myself feel any hope at all that merely the thought of having any simply terrifies me.

I'm not afraid of failing; I expect failure at this point. Would you believe a part of me is afraid of succeeding? Because then I won't know what to do next. The IF road I know; I have travelled it for over five years now. I know this road inside out, backwards and forwards, upside down and right side up. I know it intimately. But the possibility of having hope, no matter how faint, frightens me right now. I'm trying to push it away, push it aside, get it out of my mind and out of my system and just focus on getting through one day at a time without having any thought of what the future might bring.

I read along with the women (and men) at Cycle Sista and I see where they are in the current cycle and I keep hope for them and wince at their setbacks, as well as cheer their successes. I go back to previous months and see how many were successes and how many didn't work out. I know that a part of me is curious as to which side I'll fall on when this cycle is all over.

And even the notion that I am entertaining the possibility that a positive end to this might exist is completely absurd! Because we all know, dear bloggers, that I fall on the crappy end of the statistics every time. I am the side of the coin that lands down. I am the buttered bread that lands face-down on the kitchen floor; never face up. So I am valiantly trying to keep that b*tch "Hope" out of my world.

Out, out damned spot!

Suffice it to say, for today, I stand on the verge of starting tomorrow with stims, and stimming with 225 units of Gonal-F and 75 units of Luveris for the next 9 days (at least).

AND. I. AM. SCARED. SH*TLESS.

Back to life...

... back to reality.

I was never keen on that song really, but here it is, real life comes up and smacks me in the face. It's November 16 and I'm home from my holiday in Florida. And while it was an amazing holiday, the reality of work, cold weather, and the bruises of injections are worming their way into my world. Bleh.

Today is "officially" CD2. Though because I didn't ovulate (I was taking the BCPs) I expect this visit from AF will be short and sweet. She'll be kicked to the curb in no time at all I'm sure. She'd better be!

I go back to work tomorrow morning and I know I'm going to be right in the thick of a huge project for the next week or two. That'll keep me occupied, and that's a good thing. This coming Thursday, I have an appointment here in Ottawa to start the monitoring for this first IVF/ICSI cycle. That same day, I also start Gonal F and Luveris injections. I'm already dotted black and blue from the Buserelin on the left side of my abdomen (the right doesn't seem to bruise much at all) and I have to add two more injections this coming week? Ugh. Wish me luck.

I had a mini meltdown two or three days ago with the injections. It was a particularly rough one, it didn't go in easily and it burned during the injection and pulling out. I tried to keep still. I know I made it tough for hubby; I actually broke down in tears and then he wondered what he had done wrong, figuring he had hurt me badly. He didn't. I was just hurting emotionally and psychologically I think. You know what it's like: I wondered why me? Why does it have to be this hard for me? It shouldn't be this way. Making a baby shouldn't be like this.

Some days are easier than others I guess.

To distract me, on Thursday, my best friend MH and his wife and kids arrive to spend the American Thanksgiving weekend with us. They'll be coming to Montreal with us on November 27 for our monitoring appointment as well. We'll spend the day in the city there before coming home to have dinner in the Ottawa area. I think we're going to do a ham for Thanksgiving dinner, because they're coming back up here in December for Christmas too, and I know I'll be doing a turkey for Christmas dinner for sure!

And something hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday: I have less than two weeks to sew an IV-friendly hospital gown. The time is just flying by. Where did it go? What the heck happened? I know I made the other hospital gown relatively quickly once I got going, now I need to do that again. Wish me luck!

I almost wonder if I need to though. I have dropped between 4 and 6 sizes in the last six months. I attribute that to the proper meds now to treat the PCOS and the hypothyroidism. Mom, my aunts and my dad all made comments about how much better I look now and how much weight I've dropped. That's a good thing. Still lots to go through, so I know I would be more comfortable in my own hospital gown than one provided to me. I never know if those things will cover me adequately. Then again, I've had so many people look at my hoo-ha over the past five years, what's a few more? Still though, I think I'll make the hospital gown. It'll do me for years to come... as long as I don't sully it in surgeries, or other procedures. Huh. Maybe I should make a few!

Question for you: I just got an invitation to a friend's baby shower. It's going to be on December 13... around about the time I'll be having my Beta for this first IVF. I don't know if I ought to go. I'm of the mind to reply "yes" with a caveat (luckily the organizer knows about my IF issues). What would you do?

Shlomit: I'm sorry I missed you in the capital! Let me know next time you're heading this way. It would be great to hook up with you!
Ms. C: I would LOVE to meet you during our jaunts to your city! We'll have to organize something.

Sending hugs and best wishes to all of you in IF blogland.

And on Tuesday, the haggard wench arrived... she brought friends.

I am so ready to throw in the towel.

And yet, here we are on CD2 and I have just started BCP for November/December IVF & ICSI #1. But why? Why go through this?

Yet another girlfriend mailed me yesterday; she's expecting her fourth child in June 2009. Glad someone gets lucky round here...

Got an invitation to my sister-in-law's shower; it will be held between monitoring appointment #1 and #2 towards the end of November. I've no idea yet what to get for her or what she needs. I'll have to talk to hubby's mother about that.

And then yesterday we got hit with such f*cking great news; hubby's ex is about to slam him in court for more child support. I will bet anything that she is doing this because we are taking the kids to Florida and she knows damn well she can't afford to do that while living at her parents' home with the kids and squandering her life and money. If she does this, I can pretty much guarantee that it is the first and last big vacation those kids will get because every other cent will have to go towards monthly payments. B*tch. I could happily throttle her sorry a$$. For years, hubby has been paying more than was originally ordered by the courts on a voluntary basis and shelling out for little extras now and then. If she does this, they won't get those extras (like vacations or trips to Newfoundland with us periodically).

Nice time to do it too; right as I'm starting BCP for IVF. Like I need that extra financial stress at the moment.

I feel like I'm on an island and while I see support ships offshore, no one is ON this island with me. No one is sandbagging alongside me. No one is huddling with me under the single palm tree for shelter in the storm. Big, beautiful, well-stocked ships >just< offshore. I wish they were closer.

Someone shoot me now and get it over with. Please.