Due Date for my Sister & Award Meme

Today is my sister's due date. May 17, 2011. There's no news yet. Our mom is with her down in the States. Last night, Mom told me that my sis said things "felt different" and that the baby was more in her way yesterday than before. Hopefully this means that the show will soon get on the road! I am keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well for her and the baby when the time comes. For now, we wait patiently for the phone to ring.

Blogger Award!

From Marilyn who is newly p/g after IVF, Kelly who is well on her way and Joey who is documenting her first IVF, I received this blogger award.

Here's how it works:

1. Winners grab the image and put it in your blog.


2. Link back to the person who gave you it.


3. Tell 10 things about yourself.


4. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.


5. Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

Ten things about myself? Let's see...

1. I have a green thumb, but not intentionally. I have plants I've tried to kill (or at least, tried to kill portions thereof) and no luck.


2. My maternal grandmother is a huge factor in my life. She's been gone for 22 years now, but I think about her often and I wish that she and my grandfather could have seen Petite. They would have LOVED her.


3. I lived in Japan for 3 years, from 1993 to 1996. I dated a Japanese guy for most of the three years I was there. He wasn't ready to get married though, so when my visa was finished, I had to leave the country. I haven't seen him since, but we still keep in touch via e-mail. I wish I could go back to Japan and see my old friends and colleagues.


4. I started wearing glasses at the age of 10, but when I returned from Japan in 1996, I had photorefractive keratectomy (PRK) laser surgery on my eyes. No more glasses or contacts! YAY!


5. Hubby and I met online more than 10 years ago. We met online when "meeting online" was still taboo; it took me a number of months to confess to my family how I'd really met him!


6. I'm a writer and editor. That is what I do for a living. Ever since I was a child, spelling and grammar mistakes sort of jump out at me. So given that Hubby and I met online, we corresponded via e-mail and instant messaging. *adopts a shamed face* I used to correct his e-mails and send them back to him, along with my reply. He still makes mistakes with "as" and "has" and it drives me nutso! But he knows this. And these days, I try to keep my insanity to myself. However, I will give him an editorial hand when he asks for it.


7. I have OCD when it comes to dirty hands. Even as a child, Mom said I hated to get dirty. One morning, a few years ago, I decided to count the number of times I washed my hands (or that they were in/under clean water) before I left the house to go to work for the day. I counted 27 times. 'Nuff said.


8. I am from the most easterly part of Canada, an island in the middle of the Atlantic, where we have an entire dictionary devoted to the native language. While Americans recognize that I have a bit of a 'Canadian' accent (whatever that is), Canadians are often shocked that I don't have a Newfoundland accent. What they do not realize is that I do; I simply hide it well. It comes out more strongly if I'm with other Newfoundlanders (e.g., family) or after I've had a drink... or five!


9. I am staunchly loyal to my friends. To a fault sometimes.


10. I am a Duran Duran fan for life. Have you heard the latest album, All You Need is Now? OMG, amazing! It's a throwback to their heyday in the 80s and all the reviews are saying the same thing; it's the album that should have been the follow-up to Rio. Some of the tracks on there are jaw-droppingly reminscient of my teen years. I love it! Take a listen on youtube if you get a moment.
    
    And one for good luck...
    


11. Recently, an old friend of mine (and my prom/grad date in high school actually!) got in touch with me and was looking for help. He was searching for a European song that was popular in the 80s for awhile but he couldn't remember the details. I spent the better part of a Saturday mulling it over and came up with a bunch of the lyrics. I finally located the song for him and he was absolutely overjoyed! It was by a group called Do Piano and the song was called Again. My friend posted the youtube link on his FB profile, and was subsequently contacted about it by a well-known Canadian keyboardist. All very surreal. And a lovely flashback to my teenage years!

Now then, as for listing the blogs that get this award, I have NO idea. I've been in the blogging world for so many years now, I don't know who's new! So consider yourself tagged if you're reading this and haven't done it yet. I'd love to read your details; let me know if you post about this award please.

Best to all in blogland!

ABCs of Me

Found on Loribeth's blog (The Road Less Travelled) and I figured I might as well.

A. Age: 40. (a.k.a. Old enough to know better but young enough not to care anymore.)

B. Bed size: King. But it's still not enough room when there's me, Hubby, the two cats sprawled between my legs, more pillows than you can shake a stick at and occasionally, Petite all sharing the bed. Damn... do they make anything bigger than a King? I'll need a bigger bedroom though.

C. Chore you dislike: Dusting. Ugh.

D. Dogs: None. When I was little, we had a dog. Tiny was my father's dog before he and mom met and after I arrived (and later my sis) we loved him dearly. I was about 5 years old when we had to have him put down; my first experience with death.

E. Essential start to your day: Cereal. I would say orange juice, as I love it and it's a great kick start for me (I despise coffee), but OJ usually has lots of sugars so I am trying to cut it out.

F. Favorite color: It depends. I like blue, black and white.

G. Gold or silver: Silver if I have a tan. Gold most other times. The best of both worlds: white gold!

H. Height: Just a smidge over 5'5".

I. Instruments you play(ed): None. However, I sing rather well and I'm currently a member of our church choir (second soprano).

J. Job title: Senior Technical Writer–Editor

K. Kids: One 18-month old, two stepkids (ages 16 and 15) and my girlfriend's daughter (age 13) regards me as a sort of second parent. And of course, hoping to start IVF/ICSI as we soon begin TTC for number 2.

L. Live: The suburbs of Ottawa, Ontario.

M. Mom’s name: Barbara

N. Nicknames: Sorry. The nickname(s) I've got are not for public consumption. Let's leave it at that shall we?

O. Overnight hospital stays: As an infant, I was hospitalized for burns to my chest and torso when I pulled down a pot of boiling milk from the stove. I don't recall that though, but I still have a few scars from the event. As for stays that I recall: surgery on my left wrist when I shattered it into more than 200 pieces 1997; when I gave birth to Petite in 2009. Other day surgeries and whatnot didn't require overnight stays.

P. Pet peeves: Telemarketers that call during dinner. People who talk on a cell phone while being served at a store. People who can't close their mouth when they chew. And mouth-breathers. *shudders*

Q. Quote from a movie: O Captain my Captain!

R. Righty or lefty: Righty. But I use my left hand more than most for a number of tasks, other than writing.

S. Siblings: One sister, 15 months younger than me. And she's about to be a mommy herself.

T. Time you wake up: 5:30 a.m.

U. Underwear: Coloured, never plain ol' white functional briefs. Ugh. Boorrring! Sometimes lacy. Sometimes racy. Sometimes silky. Usually thong or hipster style.

V. Vegetables you don’t like: Asparagus and Brussel sprouts. I find both very bitter.

W.What makes you run late: Like Loribeth, underestimating the amount of time I will need.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Let's start from the bottom up -- foot, ankle, leg, knee, back, chest, neck, hand, wrist, shoulder.

Y. Yummy food you make: I like to bake more than cook. However, I make a few great casseroles and everyone loves my spaghetti sauce.

Z. Zoo animal favorites: big cats of any sort. They're gorgeous!

Now it is YOUR turn... let me know if you do this one and I'll come visit!

Look! Another New Year!

We're back from our holiday in West Virginia and I must say, we had a great time visiting with my sister and her husband, and his whole family. Christmas was fantastic and my sis and I did the turkey for everyone (there were nine of us around the dinner table). The drive to and from WV from Canada's capital took about 12-13 hours each way, with extra time on the return trip to stop in Columbus, Ohio to visit a gaming friend of mine who I've been chatting with for more than two years now. It was lovely to meet him and his wife in person for the first time, rather than just hear his voice over my headset!

I am so glad that we went to see everyone. Now I have a good frame of reference when my sis talks about driving to this or that place, or how her house is laid out, how far it is to her MIL's house... stuff like that. And I am told that my sis and her husband really enjoyed having us there as well. That's good; I hate to be a burden to people when I stay in their home.

Upon return to Ottawa, we launched ourselves back to some sort of regular routine. Okay, I'm not back at the gym just YET. But I'm getting there. Besides, it's the first week of January; this is the week that all the "New Year's Resolutions" people come out of the woodwork and invade the gym! Etiquette people! Jeez, wipe down the machines when you're done willya!? *shudder* Ugh. Just icky. *wince*

Early January... the time for New Year's Resolutions. Yes, it is that time of the year isn't it? You know something? I have one resolution this year. Sure, I want to lose weight. Sure I want to get out more. Sure, I want to spend more time with family and friends. But the resolution I have?

Do whatever it takes to make me happy.

It's as simple as that. It CAN be as simple as that.

If that means more gym, so be it.
If it means changing jobs (something I'm sort of considering now that I've tasted being a manager), so be it.
If it means travel, so be it.
If it means trying IVF, so be it.
If it means letting go of the dream... so be it.

Scary as it sounds, but I have to live my life right? I have to get through each day, and be happy at the end of the day; otherwise, what's the point? Why put myself through months, years of agony and put my marriage at risk, put my mental health at risk, put my social life on hold... for something that may never be? I want to be a mom, of course. But at the risk of losing myself, of changing who I am? Of losing my husband and putting my sanity at risk? My happiness never to be found again because I put myself through hell with treatments? Is it worth that? Many of you who have had success can answer that I guess. I'd like to hear your take on it. But for me, and others who haven't yet had success, and may NEVER have success (let's face facts shall we?), I'm reaching that crossroads.

A friend e-mailed me yesterday and said that I have sounded more upbeat and more like my old, positive, happy self in the last few months. She's right. I have. Why? Because I am letting go. I am not putting my eggs (ha ha!) in the 'fertility' basket anymore. I can't. I can't have that unfailing hope. I have hope, but it isn't going to come at the cost of losing myself. I won't let that happen.

Inuit Adoptions
I read an article in the paper a couple of days ago, about people from my home province (Newfoundland) looking north to the Inuit population for adoption. In "Couples Look North to Adopt Children," the details are laid out: Nunavut has the highest birth rate in Canada (more than double the national average); the Atlantic region has the lowest birth rate in Canada; and the Atlantic region has the highest wait for newborns (14 years in some places). Best of all, in the Inuit culture, there is no stigma made about 'giving away' a baby, rather you 'make a gift' to both the child and the new parents. Sounds like a win-win situation for those couples who are seeking to adopt and who are willing to promise that the child's heritage is not lost. I thought the article was well done. Very sensitive and outlined some of the process. I thought I'd mention it for those interested.

There is good news in the blogging world though; a couple of you have attained the finish line!
Decemberbaby (aka Sara) had a girl on New Year's Eve. Go congratulate her! And Nina over at Stella and/or Ben has a baby girl, born on December 30. What a cutie!


Christmas Meme

I've been tagged for a Christmas Meme by Pam over at Baby Wanted: Apply Within. It's late in coming Pam, but better late than never right?

1. Egg nog or Hot Chocolate?
Egg nog is good, but I prefer Hot Chocolate.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
All wrapped! And marked "To Gil, From Santa."

3. Coloured lights on tree/house or white?
I love the look of all white lights. It looks very classy, but I prefer the traditional look of coloured lights. Oh, all blue lights looks lovely too!

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Real mistletoe? Nope. Fake stuff? Sometimes. Not always.

5. When do you put your decorations up?
The decorations are up and ready to go for December 1. They do not come down before January 6, which is Old Christmas Day, per tradition.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Christmas dinner, turkey and the trimmings, is a must at holiday time.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child.
I was about 6 or 7 years old and my sister is a year younger than me. We were visiting my aunt and uncle on Christmas Eve and we were about to leave for home with Mom and Dad. There, on the cement porch, my sister and I looked up to the night sky and we SWORE up and down that we saw Santa flying overhead. I believed, with all my heart, that I had seen Santa Claus and we were never so anxious to get home and get to bed!

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I don't know that I "learned" the truth per se. Somewhere around the age of 10 or 11 I guess I figured it out. But to this day, I believe in Santa, as in I believe in the goodness of all people, the joy in your heart, the giving nature and the abundance of happiness that I experience when I give something I know the recipient will enjoy. The essence of Christmas is giving; and if Santa embodies that, then I embrace it wholeheartedly. Yes Gil, there really IS a Santa Claus.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas eve?
I used to as a child, now I don't. Christmas Eve is more enjoyable for me than Christmas Day and it was always that way. I could prolong Christmas Eve for a week and be thrilled!

10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
A total of 850 coloured lights, with a lighted angel at the top. Homemade ornaments that my mother did years ago, old ornaments from my grandmother's and grandfather's tree, and from my Dad's home when he was a boy, a few "mass-produced" ornaments that you can get pretty much anywhere, but most are unique. My mom started giving us an ornament per year when we were kids. When we moved out, we got all our ornaments to take with us. So I have brass ornaments with my name engraved and the year; I have ornaments collected from family vacations at Christmas (1997 in Disney for example), and an ornament that my grandmother made before she passed away. Those are dear to me. I don't know what I would do if I lost them or they were damaged. No tinsel on my tree though; we have cats!

11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
I LOVE SNOW! Hate shovelling it though. :(

12. Can you ice skate?
No. I used to but broke my ankle when I was 10. It's too weak to skate on anymore.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Not particularly. I remember a few gifts, some of which I've tried to track down on the Internet but other than that, no. I do remember the year my sister got a guitar though!

14. What is the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Being surrounded by family and friends.

15. What is your favorite Holiday dessert?
The rum cake that my aunt makes!

16. What is your favorite Holiday tradition?
Delivering gifts on Christmas eve and then having wine while we stuff the stockings.

17. What tops your tree?
A lighted angel.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving. Always giving.

19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
There are too many to name but here are a few:
Little Drummer Boy by The Harry Simeone Chorale
Do They Know it's Christmas by Band-Aid
The Angel Gabriel by Sting
A Spaceman Came Travelling by Chris deBurgh
The Holly and the Ivy by Rita MacNeil

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Love em, but in moderation. I prefer chocolate!


Thank you...
... for the prayers and good wishes for my friend and her daughter that I mentioned in my last entry. They're still working through this and trying to make sense of it all. I guess we all are in our own way.

Questions and Answers (plus some fun stuff)

My temps never lie; CD2 today. I cried myself to sleep last night, with my hubby's arm around my waist as he tried to console me and reassure me that I am not a failure. So why do I think otherwise?

Thank you for all your comments and questions. I'll try to answer some of them here.

Dramalish: The RE uses the full vial of donor sperm, but he uses half on the day of the HCG trigger and the other half 24 hours later. Believe me, it isn't wasted. Though I've often wondered about the timing of that; although he usually has good success with that protocol. Just... not with me so far. Money is an issue, seeing as very little (other than the drugs) is covered in Canada so I want to discuss the timing of the IUI with him, along with other options and issues.

Aurelia: Why doesn't the RE do betas on 13 or 14DPO? Well, at that point, it's a bit of a waste; it won't change anything. He does a beta if you get a positive HPT; otherwise, wait til CD1 and call again for another appointment. I mean, a beta on that date won't change the outcome so I don't run for one. When and if I see a positive HPT (if my AF is ever 3 days late, I might bother to check but I've got a clockwork system going here) then I'll go see about a beta. As for why he doesn't keep me on progesterone longer? Good question. He has told me repeatedly that if a pregnancy occurs, the body will make its own progesterone (yeah, right, that doesn't happen for all of us does it?!) and that I wouldn't need progesterone past 13 or 14 DPO. This is one of the things I need to question him about, as obviously many women take progesterone well into their first or early into their second trimesters because they NEED it. I'm not sure he agrees with this. So I'm wary on that point.

Other things to consider: My levels of DHEA Sulfate are a bit low for my age and that combined with semi-high prolactin levels may be a huge issue. I want to discuss this with him. Also, the possibility of hypothyroidism; tests are "normal" but other symptoms make me think otherwise and I'm not satisfied with the answers I've heard. He's also never screened me for any particular antibodies that I know many IF women have issues with, and it's time to do that too and not just assume that everything is normal. I have an appointment with my GP on Thursday this week to show her my bloodwork results and discuss some of these issues with her as well. Additionally, I've contacted my RE's office to say that I want a consult with him (not just a morning appointment for a dildo cam wanding) to chat about these things. We may have to sit out a month while we wait for that appointment.

I am not surprised that hubby and I are having trouble. I don't come from a very fertile family at all. My parents were married for five long years before I arrived on the scene, and that was after three years of actually TRYING (i.e., no birth control and appropriate timing). On my father's side, my grandparents only had one child (my dad) and that was after seven years of marriage; quite long in the 1930s and 40s. On my mother's side... my grandparents had five children (or possibly six, but one died early), and of those five children, there are only six grandchildren. Two of my aunts never had children at all. One aunt had a single son after many years of marriage. My mom had two (me and my sis) and my uncle and his wife had three children, only one of whom has had a child herself. I have a total of four cousins. That's it. So for me to have trouble having a child is not abnormal. But given that we have to work with donor sperm, it is d*mned expensive and we have very little shot at the prize. I'm thinking I need to look at saving and/or a line of credit for IVF if that is a possibility for us.
____________________________

On to the fun stuff. Thanks to Kate over at Kicking You from the Inside, here's a little game to distract your attention.

Go to google and type in "*your name here* needs". For instance, I would type "Gil needs" including the quotation marks. Then write down the first 10 entries that appear. This is one I haven't seen before, so here we go!

Gil needs:
1. Gil needs to get used to what the physical demands of her job as a prostitute will entail. (OMG... you're kidding right?!)
2. Gil needs Brodick's help to locate her sister. (Who the heck is Brodick??)
3. Gil needs bringing down a peg or two. (I do? *blink*)
4. Gil needs sleep. (I'd agree with this one. Yup.)
5. Gil needs to use her myspace and/or empty her vmail inbox NOW. (Um... no? Kthxla!)
6. Gil needs a tutu! (Oh no she doesn't. Really. That would NOT be appropriate!)
7. Gil needs nothing. (Well, I can think of at least one thing...)
8. Gil needs to be in a calm and peaceful environment where she and her baby can eat and rest. (Ugh, this had to come up right? Meh.)
9. Gil needs to stay, no matter what. (Where exactly?)
10. Gil needs to do something about it! (Huh? Colour me stupid, but about what?)

For Tuesday's Commentathon: 10 comments plus 2 return comments = 14 points total