Cyst Be Gone!

I'm back from MTL and I am glad to report that the cyst aspiration went without a hitch.

My hubby was able to be in the room with me and he watched the cyst on the ultrasound as it shrunk in size and disappeared from the screen, all while holding my hand and letting me dig in a nail or two when I felt the pain of the needle poking through. It felt like a lot of pressure in my abdomen, like a stitch in your side that doesn't go away, and it sorta took my breath away a little but nothing drastic. Mind you, I know my pain threshhold is rather high, so I expect some women might feel it much more intensely. At least now I know what to expect for the retrieval in early December.

The actual procedure took less than five minutes so it wasn't bad at all. And I have to say, those are the most comfortable 'stirrups' that I've ever had the pleasure to be in: padded, nice and long up your calf, and cozy in fact... actually WARM. Odd to describe stirrups that way isn't it? Would that all doctors had that style of stirrups!

When we were done, I asked the doctor to tell me how many follicles were on the right side (my monitoring ultrasound couldn't see them all because the cyst was in the way). He started counting...
SEVEN.

I have seven follicles (at least) on the right, and at last count, five on the left. For a grand total of about 12. Not bad. I hope that continues and that I get a bunch of them to mature in the next week or so with the Gonal-F and the Luveris.

So we returned to our home last night and at about 10 p.m. we started laying out all the injections. I'm currently taking the following meds:

• Metformin (500 x 3 times per day) for PCOS
• Levothyroxine (0.5) for Hypothyroidism
• Pre-natal vitamin
• Buserelin (20) sub-cue injection
• Luveris (75 IU) sub-cue injection
• Gonal-F (225 IU) sub-cue injection
• And hubby started his doxycycline (oral antibiotics) last night too.

MTL would like me to have a monitoring appointment on Wednesday the 26th as well. And next Friday, I'm back in MTL for an appointment so they can see me themselves.

So this cycle is still on track. At least, for now.

Next week, I have a distraction. my best friend MH and his wife and kids will be arriving on Thursday for the long Thanksgiving weekend in the States. I cannot wait to see them, and it'll be the first time I get to meet their kids. It'll be wonderful. We're ALL going to MTL next Friday; me for my appointment and with luck, we can take their kids (boy-girl twins, almost 6 years old) to the Biodome or something. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do to entertain children in MTL? Advice most welcome.

Oh and Mel? Thank you for putting a link to my blog on Friday's L&F. I really appreciate it. Support is a great thing and I know the women (and men) here 'get it' and can offer their good thoughts. Sending hugs your way for the kindness.

Impromptu Trip to Montréal

In about an hour, hubby and I are heading out the door for a previously unscheduled and certainly impromptu trip to the hospital in MTL. They got the results of my ultrasound and my bloodwork from yesterday, and I arrived home late yesterday afternoon to find a message on my phone:

"If you can be in MTL tomorrow, we can aspirate the cyst using the same procedure as we do for a collection (retrieval) and you can continue with your cycle, starting stims tomorrow instead of today."

WTF? You're kidding me?

I called them back and after a bit of phone tag, around 5:45 p.m. I had the details. So with luck, this cycle won't be scrapped after all AND I won't need a full laparoscopy to eliminate the ovarian cyst.

I'm not going to count on this though; I'm fully expecting something else to crop up and cause a problem. But we'll see what the day holds; keep your fingers crossed.

Buttered Side Down

I don't know where to begin this entry. The thoughts in my head are so jumbled and mixed with intense emotion; none of it good.

I went for my pre-stim scan this morning and I was nervous and anxious as I slid up onto that table for my appointment with the dildo-cam. The RE asked me, "How are you doing?" and my honest reply was, "I really don't know."

So for the semi-decent news:
Lining measuring 5.3 mm on CD6.
On the left, five little follicles just hanging out.
On the right, at least three little follicles doing much the same thing.
But that's not all.

No. Not for me. Never! It wouldn't do just to have happy little follies kicking back and waiting for the Gonal-F and the Luveris, would it? No Gil. You get more! You get the full freakin' monty!

Right there, in all its huge glory was a cyst.
A honking big cyst measuring over 3.5 cm in diametre.

And we all know what that means right? *adopts game announcer voice* Tell the young lady what she's won Johnny!
Well now, to start off, I am pretty sure you've won a cancelled cycle Gil! Congratulations! And there's a bonus prize of having another laparoscopy to boot to aspirate that cyst! And then, when all that is done, you get to go back on the BCPs to start all over again! Woo hoo!

I couldn't believe it. A cyst. Another cyst. It didn't respond to the BCPs that I was taking (similar to my previous cyst on the right side three years ago). So that likely means that it'll take a lap to remove it. Nice. Just what I wanted.

Then, because there was a cyst found, the orders were to have my E2 measured so that meant bloodwork. I went down to the lab in the same building and I found a GREAT woman there (Karen!) who saw how distressed I was. She told me to have hope. She hugged me. She saw the tears in my eyes and the frazzled look on my face. She was sweet. And she got a vein on the first stick (admittedly I showed here where was best to stick based on My Angel's success with that area on my forearm).

When that stress was done, I had the pleasure of shelling out just over $2200 for my Gonal-F and Luveris, which luckily doesn't expire until sometime in 2010. I came right home to stick the sensitive meds in the fridge.

And now I wait.

I wait for the ultrasound results to be sent to Montreal.
I wait for the bloodwork results to be sent to Montreal.
I wait for Montreal to call and tell me that my cycle is cancelled. (It will be I'm sure. We all know how this goes... but I have to wait for the official word from them on this.)
I wait for Montreal to tell me when they can do a lap for the cyst and when they need me for pre-op stuff... assuming they will take me at all.
I wait for something GOOD to come of this. But I really don't see a silver lining. Not at all.

Right now, I am angry. I am stressed. I confess, (and if you are religious, I apologize in advance) I hate that God is throwing roadblocks in my way. I hate that He obviously deems me unfit to parent. On my way back from the doctor's I wondered why He didn't just take me now and get it all over with. Christ, wouldn't that be easier??

I hate that I have to go through this at all. None of this should be this way. None of it. Ever. And this morning, I hated the fact that I had to go through all this alone this morning.

Like I said in my last post, seems I am the bread that always lands buttered side down on the floor. And so it continues...

Standing on the Edge

Tomorrow morning I go for my pre-stim scan at my old RE's office (he works in collaboration with the clinic in Montréal). While I'm there, I'll stop at the pharmacy and pick up the Gonal-F and the Luveris because ladies and gentlemen, (oh who am I kidding, 90% of you are ladies, right?), if the scan goes well, by tomorrow night I'll be doing THREE injections instead of just one.

And you just know how I'm gonna love that, right? Given my fear/phobia of needles?

...

NOT.

I'm starting to feel that this cycle is real. I'm starting to feel like we MIGHT have a shot at this. That's dangerous. I'm starting to feel that old b*tch creep back in, you know the one; starts with an "H" and ends with "OPE". And dear heavens, that scares me. I am so afraid to let myself feel any hope at all that merely the thought of having any simply terrifies me.

I'm not afraid of failing; I expect failure at this point. Would you believe a part of me is afraid of succeeding? Because then I won't know what to do next. The IF road I know; I have travelled it for over five years now. I know this road inside out, backwards and forwards, upside down and right side up. I know it intimately. But the possibility of having hope, no matter how faint, frightens me right now. I'm trying to push it away, push it aside, get it out of my mind and out of my system and just focus on getting through one day at a time without having any thought of what the future might bring.

I read along with the women (and men) at Cycle Sista and I see where they are in the current cycle and I keep hope for them and wince at their setbacks, as well as cheer their successes. I go back to previous months and see how many were successes and how many didn't work out. I know that a part of me is curious as to which side I'll fall on when this cycle is all over.

And even the notion that I am entertaining the possibility that a positive end to this might exist is completely absurd! Because we all know, dear bloggers, that I fall on the crappy end of the statistics every time. I am the side of the coin that lands down. I am the buttered bread that lands face-down on the kitchen floor; never face up. So I am valiantly trying to keep that b*tch "Hope" out of my world.

Out, out damned spot!

Suffice it to say, for today, I stand on the verge of starting tomorrow with stims, and stimming with 225 units of Gonal-F and 75 units of Luveris for the next 9 days (at least).

AND. I. AM. SCARED. SH*TLESS.

Back to life...

... back to reality.

I was never keen on that song really, but here it is, real life comes up and smacks me in the face. It's November 16 and I'm home from my holiday in Florida. And while it was an amazing holiday, the reality of work, cold weather, and the bruises of injections are worming their way into my world. Bleh.

Today is "officially" CD2. Though because I didn't ovulate (I was taking the BCPs) I expect this visit from AF will be short and sweet. She'll be kicked to the curb in no time at all I'm sure. She'd better be!

I go back to work tomorrow morning and I know I'm going to be right in the thick of a huge project for the next week or two. That'll keep me occupied, and that's a good thing. This coming Thursday, I have an appointment here in Ottawa to start the monitoring for this first IVF/ICSI cycle. That same day, I also start Gonal F and Luveris injections. I'm already dotted black and blue from the Buserelin on the left side of my abdomen (the right doesn't seem to bruise much at all) and I have to add two more injections this coming week? Ugh. Wish me luck.

I had a mini meltdown two or three days ago with the injections. It was a particularly rough one, it didn't go in easily and it burned during the injection and pulling out. I tried to keep still. I know I made it tough for hubby; I actually broke down in tears and then he wondered what he had done wrong, figuring he had hurt me badly. He didn't. I was just hurting emotionally and psychologically I think. You know what it's like: I wondered why me? Why does it have to be this hard for me? It shouldn't be this way. Making a baby shouldn't be like this.

Some days are easier than others I guess.

To distract me, on Thursday, my best friend MH and his wife and kids arrive to spend the American Thanksgiving weekend with us. They'll be coming to Montreal with us on November 27 for our monitoring appointment as well. We'll spend the day in the city there before coming home to have dinner in the Ottawa area. I think we're going to do a ham for Thanksgiving dinner, because they're coming back up here in December for Christmas too, and I know I'll be doing a turkey for Christmas dinner for sure!

And something hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday: I have less than two weeks to sew an IV-friendly hospital gown. The time is just flying by. Where did it go? What the heck happened? I know I made the other hospital gown relatively quickly once I got going, now I need to do that again. Wish me luck!

I almost wonder if I need to though. I have dropped between 4 and 6 sizes in the last six months. I attribute that to the proper meds now to treat the PCOS and the hypothyroidism. Mom, my aunts and my dad all made comments about how much better I look now and how much weight I've dropped. That's a good thing. Still lots to go through, so I know I would be more comfortable in my own hospital gown than one provided to me. I never know if those things will cover me adequately. Then again, I've had so many people look at my hoo-ha over the past five years, what's a few more? Still though, I think I'll make the hospital gown. It'll do me for years to come... as long as I don't sully it in surgeries, or other procedures. Huh. Maybe I should make a few!

Question for you: I just got an invitation to a friend's baby shower. It's going to be on December 13... around about the time I'll be having my Beta for this first IVF. I don't know if I ought to go. I'm of the mind to reply "yes" with a caveat (luckily the organizer knows about my IF issues). What would you do?

Shlomit: I'm sorry I missed you in the capital! Let me know next time you're heading this way. It would be great to hook up with you!
Ms. C: I would LOVE to meet you during our jaunts to your city! We'll have to organize something.

Sending hugs and best wishes to all of you in IF blogland.

Vacationing in Florida

Ah Florida. Sunny skies. Soft white sand. Blue water. And retail therapy. What more could a girl ask for?

Well, I can tell you I would like to ask for a holiday that doesn't involve injections, but we all know that's a fantasy, right?

As much feared, I am on holiday and I have to begin the injection protocol. I had hoped to avoid it til after I got home. Oh well. So I started the Buserelin (Suprefact) injections as of Friday past. So far, so good. I think. The injections have gone well and no bruising as of yet though I suspected that last night's shot would have given me one because it hurt like hell. And these are only sub-cue injections... I've no idea how I'm going to handle the PIO shots! *trembles at the thought*

Yesterday morning, hubby took his kids up to the flea market so I had a little downtime to myself. Much needed, let me tell you. I lay out in the sun by the pool for an hour and a half and loved every minute of it. When they got back, we had a bite to eat and then went back poolside for awhile. Stupidly, I decided to go for a swim... I say stupidly because I had my cell phone tucked up in the shoulder strap of my bathing suit and didn't remember that it was there til I had been in the pool for a couple of minutes. I could have kicked myself. *sighs* So last night, I had to go out and buy a new phone. I was very limited in my choices (needed one that was unlocked, that takes a SIM card and that has the single entry feature that I so love) but I found one. I will see if I can get reimbursed for it later when I get back to Canada. I doubt it, but I can always check.

On Friday past, my mom, my two aunts and I went to Ellenton to hit the outlet stores. We got a great deal at Clarke's there; I came out with two pairs of shoes and all in all, I think we purchased 10 pairs! Nothing like shoes to cheer up the ladies! I also managed to pick up a new pair of pants, a sweater, a couple of summer tank tops and a couple of lovely blouses. Some were on sale and what a steal. I couldn't pass them up. Anyway, Ellenton was quite productive.

We took the kids to Busch Gardens already and they had a blast. So did I in fact. My dad joined us there as well and he really loved seeing the kids have fun on the coasters and water rides and stuff. It was great. We're going to Orlando tomorrow for two nights, so we can do Disney's Magic Kingdom and Universal Studios, and we'll be back on Wednesday sometime I expect. I am looking forward to both parks actually; and it'll be my first time at Universal.

I confess, I'm still somewhat stressed though. I am trying to make sure the kids have fun but they're teenagers so it's hard to get them excited about anything. I know Mom and my aunts are a bit stressed having teenagers around and all the noise that they bring as well. They're not used to that much so having four extra people underfoot is tough for them. Though I know Mom wants to spend time with me, so I'm trying to make everyone happy.

Today, we hope to hook up with friends of ours from home and go for a picnic on the beach at Fort DeSoto national park. It's a really beautiful place to go enjoy the beach and the Florida weather. I hope we have a good afternoon for it. I'll update after Disney and the theme parks. Love to you all.

Stress? Oh yes. Bring on the vacation time!

Things have been rough/stressful in the last few weeks, but we are trying to sort ourselves out.

A couple of weeks ago, hubby and I attend a meeting of the local chapter of the Infertility Awareness Association of Canada (IAAC) at which the topic of discussion was how to know when to stop treatment. A very interesting subject indeed and one I expect I am going to need to explore in the coming year.

Anyway, all was good... sort of.

The meeting was held in a local community centre and library on a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon. We had one of the meeting rooms reserved for the IAAC. On the door was a little portion of the e-mail invitation identifying the group and what the topic of discussion was, so that attendees could find the right room. Well, unfortunately that paper also served to advertise to the immature teens frequenting the centre that afternoon as to our purpose. Pretty soon, there were a gaggle of sh*tdisturbers hanging outside the door, laughing, pointing at the notice and generally causing trouble. A few of the gentlemen (and ladies I think) who were attending the meeting went out to ask them to please be quiet, etc. To no avail. It culminated in one of these stellar examples of why people might want to practice birth control *eyeroll* opening the door, and yelling into the room, "Ha! You guys can't have kids!" followed by raucous laughter and general infantile reactions by the other forgotten-condom-results outside the door. The guest speaker said, "Would anyone like me to do something about that?" And of course so many of us were just mortified. Dumbstruck. I am sure I was near tears. Truly, at that precise moment I wanted to just grab my fleece jacket and make a hasty departure.

All of a sudden, hubby says, "I'll take care of it." And he jumps up and heads for the door where said infantile teen had been loitering. I was shocked. I was utterly dumbstruck. I must say, hubby's reaction took me by surprise, I confess. He's usually so pacifist and easygoing, it was completely out of character. But up he jumped and off he went. And about 5 or 8 minutes later, he returned. I didn't speak to him about it right then; I just laid my hand on his thigh to show him how VERY much it meant to me that he stood up for me, for him, for all of us in that room. It really hit home. Afterwards, I asked him about what happened. Apparently he caught the waste-of-gametes just outside the main doors and promptly grabbed him by the neck/collar and told him in no uncertain terms that his comments were not appreciated, nor were they helpful and it would be to his benefit if he refrained from such outbursts in the future. Hubby did manage to get an apology from the little bugger, so there is that. Still though, it was incredible to me that this sort of thing could (and does) happen.

But more incredible to me was my husband's response. I have to tell you... *whispers* hubby was sufficiently rewarded later that night for his initiative! Go get em baby! WOO HOO!!!

Ahem...
Yes, some decorum right?
Let's move along. On to other things.

I'm still on the BCP for the IVF #1 cycle. I start Buserelin (aka Suprefact) injections next Friday, November 7. Wish me luck. Right now, even the BCP is making me nauseous and dizzy! I haven't taken BCPs in about 12 years, so this is weird for me!

On Monday we leave for a family holiday. My parents and two of my aunts will be heading to Florida for a vacation and hubby and I are going as well. This time, we're taking my stepchildren (a boy, J, who is 12, and his sister T who will turn 14 while we are there). The kids haven't ever been to Florida before, nor do they get many holidays so we're hoping to make this one special for them. We will do the Disney thing (Magic Kingdom) of course, and maybe Busch Gardens in Tampa too. The kids may opt to swap Busch out for the Animal Kingdom or another park in Orlando; we'll have to see.

And if I time it right, I might be able to attend some of next week's American Translators Association (ATA) conference at the Hilton in the Magic Kingdom. I met with a potential service provider yesterday who indicated that their company will be there and he said, "Hey Gil, if you want to go, here's my cell phone number. Call me when you get there and I'll sign you in!" Okay, he said it in French, but that's what he said... and I just about danced with glee! I'm going to try to get there, but no guarantees of course.

Today, my thoughts are with my best friend MH as he leaves VA to fly to CA to finish the moving of their home and hopefully by Sunday, he'll be on the road with his family. I know things are difficult right now honey... hang in there. Just hang on. Never let go.

Happy Halloween to those of you who celebrate. I'll try to update from Florida in the coming weeks. Promise!

Welcome to my Guildmates

Just a little word to welcome any and all of my gaming friends who are now aware of this blog. By all means, go ahead and peruse its history to learn about what my husband and I have been going through for the last five years. If you wish to better understand the acronyms and abbreviations in this blog and other trying to conceive (TTC) blogs, please see one of my previous posts entitled TTC Lingo.

As I requested in the gaming forums, please feel free to talk to me or my husband about the content herein, however this information is private and I ask that you not share it to anyone else in the world of Norrath.

Blessings to you all. Always.

And on Tuesday, the haggard wench arrived... she brought friends.

I am so ready to throw in the towel.

And yet, here we are on CD2 and I have just started BCP for November/December IVF & ICSI #1. But why? Why go through this?

Yet another girlfriend mailed me yesterday; she's expecting her fourth child in June 2009. Glad someone gets lucky round here...

Got an invitation to my sister-in-law's shower; it will be held between monitoring appointment #1 and #2 towards the end of November. I've no idea yet what to get for her or what she needs. I'll have to talk to hubby's mother about that.

And then yesterday we got hit with such f*cking great news; hubby's ex is about to slam him in court for more child support. I will bet anything that she is doing this because we are taking the kids to Florida and she knows damn well she can't afford to do that while living at her parents' home with the kids and squandering her life and money. If she does this, I can pretty much guarantee that it is the first and last big vacation those kids will get because every other cent will have to go towards monthly payments. B*tch. I could happily throttle her sorry a$$. For years, hubby has been paying more than was originally ordered by the courts on a voluntary basis and shelling out for little extras now and then. If she does this, they won't get those extras (like vacations or trips to Newfoundland with us periodically).

Nice time to do it too; right as I'm starting BCP for IVF. Like I need that extra financial stress at the moment.

I feel like I'm on an island and while I see support ships offshore, no one is ON this island with me. No one is sandbagging alongside me. No one is huddling with me under the single palm tree for shelter in the storm. Big, beautiful, well-stocked ships >just< offshore. I wish they were closer.

Someone shoot me now and get it over with. Please.

Hold on Tight; We're about to Embark on a H*lluva Journey!

I said I would update when there is news. And there is news, so I’m updating.

Yesterday hubby and I have a lovely little sleep-in before making the drive to Montréal for a 1:00p.m. appointment with the urologist. We started the day is less than fine spirits because having to drive for four hours to get papers signed seems more than a tad ludicrous in these times of technology. I mean honestly, do we have to be sitting right in front of him to sign papers? Come on! What are webcams for? Oh... right, there are other uses for webcams. Or so I’ve heard. Ahem...

So hubby took the day off (without pay, mind you) and I took the day off and we set out for the bustling metropolis up the road. We arrived with no trouble and made our way in for our appointment. We were first on the list and we were lucky that the urologist was on time.

He examined hubby again and reiterated that he expected no problems with aspirating good, useful sperm from him on the day of our procedure. He also indicated that the vial of donor sperm had arrived at the embryology lab, so it’s there for us if we need it. However, he reiterated that in cases like ours, where they have donor sperm as a backup with the expectation that they will find viable sperm in the husband to use, then they have NEVER ONCE had to resort to that backup. Good odds.

We all know that I fall on the wrong side of the odds though; I have no expectations anymore. Let’s be realistic, shall we?

That appointment taken care of, we waited a little bit down by the nurses’ station and we sat down with her to go over the details. Now the way I had figured things, my cycle falling as it does, I assumed I would be on the schedule for a retrieval in mid-December sometime, with a transfer falling the week before Christmas. Yeah, um, not.

Apparently, the way they filled out my IVF calendar, I start BCP with my next period.

Did you read that? MY NEXT PERIOD. That’s next week people (I am like freakin’ clockwork, I guarantee). I start my suppression cycle with BCP next week. Dear God.

I am sure my eyes went wide at that point; I confess, I didn’t expect that to happen while we were there. And when we looked at the details, I just sat in shock. It’s a little overwhelming to think that I am going to be injecting all these drugs into my body; me, the chick who is deathly afraid of needles.

Protocol
Anyway, this is our IVF #1 Protocol (with a few extra things tossed in for good measure!):

October 15 – BCP with CD1
November 3 – leave for Florida with hubby, stepkids, parents
November 7 – Buserelin (0.5 ml or 50 IU) daily (we have a letter saying we are allowed to travel with needles and drugs)
November 15 – return from FLA
November 20 – monitoring U/S in Ottawa @ 7:15 a.m.; start Gonal F (225 IU) and Luveris (75 IU) possibly reduce amount of Buserelin (to 0.2 ml or 20 IU), fax results to Montréal before noon; hubby starts antibiotics
November 27 – MH and his family arrive for US Thanksgiving weekend
November 28 – monitoring U/S in Montréal @ 9:30 a.m.
November 29 – tentative monitoring U/S in Montréal @ 9:30 a.m.
November 30 – Thanksgiving dinner (because we won’t have had ours in October, as we’ll be in Virginia), attend Neil Diamond concert with MH’s wife (YAY!)
December 1 or 2 – collection in MTL (we’ll likely stay overnight)
December 4 or 5 – 2-3 day transfer

And then the 2ww. Oh how I’ve missed that!


NOT.

That is our protocol and this is how the folks in Montréal expect we’ll get lucky. As I have indicated, I have serious doubts and I’m going through this because I need to in order to get past it and get on with the healing process. Because if I don’t do this, I’ll kick myself forevermore.

A few things to note:

I have a bobbleheaded-husband. You know those little character dolls that have huge heads, sitting on springs that bobble back and forth as the doll moves? Yeah. I have a husband with a bobblehead. All day yesterday in Montreal, he would sit down in any chair and he’d set his head back, resting it on the wall behind the chair. The first time, in the waiting room, there was some sort of a protector thing on the wall right behind his head, and it irritated him. I giggled when he kept leaning his head against it and repeatedly got annoyed. Then down by the nurses’ station, he leaned back on a bulletin board, his head resting on the frame before he realized yet again, something was behind his head. “What…” I said to him, “Are you unable to hold up your own head? It’s too heavy maybe?” I laughed. “Yeah, I’ve got such a big head,” he replied. “A bobblehead!” I told him I would put that in my blog. There you go honey. I truly do have a bobbleheaded husband.

Last week I was up and down, for the same reason in fact. One of my dearest girlfriends, T and her partner M who live in Montreal got in touch. You know how this goes right? Yes indeed. They wanted to let me know that T is p/g and as of last week, she was 19 wks along, due on February 22 (about one week after my local friends, M and her hubby M). T and M were the only two friends from Ottawa who made the long trek to Newfoundland when hubby and I got married four years ago. They’ve been together almost as long as hubby and me. And I know that T wanted to get married before they started a family but hey, there you go, sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, right? Well, T told me her great news. Oh heavens, what a sweetheart for telling me the way she did. So super sensitive; she GETS it. I love her dearly. Anyway, once again, I threw myself a two-day pity party and mourned the fact that my arms are still empty. I have yet to get back to her personally though and tell her how happy I am for her and M and their wonderful news! I couldn’t be more thrilled.

I am saddened though: one of my best girlfriends should be able to tell me about her great news before her 19th week and not wonder about my reaction. I should be able to squeal and jump for joy and experience the fun and happiness alongside her when she tells me. IF has robbed me of special moments with my girlfriends and relatives. And by the same token, it’s robbed those special people of those moments with me.

It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. Now, how do I change that? Or can I change it at all? I’m not sure.

Onward...
Hubby and I leave for Virginia on Thursday evening and we’re gone for the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May it be filled with bountiful things, much love and immense joy and may you and your families spend special moments together, as we are meant to in life.