November 6, 1934 — July 29, 2012

At precisely 3:15 a.m., I woke from a sound sleep with a jolt. Within moments, I knew. I just KNEW.

She was gone.

I started to cry silently, quietly to myself. I didn't know what to do, or whom to contact if anyone, at that hour. I just cried, my back to Hubby, as silently as possible, so as not to wake him or Petite.

I didn't sleep much after that. I just waited. And I went through oodles of tissues. I got the confirmation by e-mail from my cousin's wife first. It was a brief message of condolence at my aunt's passing during the night. I was relieved to have some confirmation of my suspicions, because by the time that e-mail arrived, I had been waiting for a number of hours.

That e-mail was quickly followed by a phone call. And then another. And then a third. I heard what I needed to hear. It was over. My cherished aunt had slipped this mortal coil. Quietly. With dignity. In the presence of her youngest sister and my father. At precisely 4:45 a.m. in Newfoundland (or 3:15 for me in Ontario), six weeks of tears and disbelief culminated in my sweet aunt's passing.

I like to think that she came to wake me, passing through to say goodbye one last time. There has been so much that occurred in the month since. I will write about it later when I can gather my thoughts. I've been scattered and I still burst into tears at the smallest things that trigger loving memories.

I refuse to say goodbye. So I will say until we meet again, Aunt B. Know how very much you are loved. And your words and actions have shown over the years how much you loved us.

Wandering Through the Days

It's been about a month since I last posted. I don't know what to say about that month. It's been full of tears and sadness. I've not yet reached that point that I am grateful for the time that I have had with my Aunt B. Although to be sure, I am. But I am still dwelling on the fact that we are about to lose her.

Aunt B is the oldest of the four sisters in my mom's family, and the second oldest of five siblings. She is the one aunt who remained in Newfoundland. My other two aunts moved to the mainland.

She was married; however her husband passed away in the 1980s (I can't recall right now if it was 1982 or 1984... something tells me it was 1982). Her husband had diabetes and I believe died of diabetes-related complications. They had no children, and thereafter, Aunt B pretty much became my second mom. She has always been there.

Aunt B spent many years as a seamstress, toiling over intricate details in so many sewing projects for our family. She showed me the basics of sewing; thanks to her I tackled making my own pyjama pants! I made about five or six different pairs with her help; I wear them sooo often! When I couldn't find a particular nightgown (in a material I was looking for), she took measurements and made me three of them! She sewed a beautiful (Eskimo style) coat for me when I was a young girl. When I was graduating from high school, she made my date's cummerbund and tie from scratch when we couldn't find the colours we wanted in the rental cummerbunds and ties. When I got married, she took apart my wedding dress and took it in as needed, so that it fit me like a glove. In fact, she made my sister's wedding dress from a pattern; it turned out so beautifully! Everyone admired it.

Aunt B did a Pooh Bear baby quilt for Petite before Petite was even born, and after Petite arrived, she made sure to lavish her skills on my little girl. One of the last things she sewed for Petite was an old-fashioned apron, modelled after the one my grandmother used to wear years ago.

And then one month ago, she lost the use of her hands and legs. She has been pretty much bedridden since then, after falling and being unable to get up herself. She has been hospitalized. And we finally know the details.

Colon cancer. Aggressive colon cancer. Which has metastasized in her adrenal glands, lungs, and thyroid, disintegrating the third vertebrae and doing enough damage to the spinal cord that her arms and legs are not very responsive. Surgery isn't really an option; there's no blockage so chemo or radiation might take care of it. However, she is pretty determined not to have treatment at this point in her life. There is the possibility of just giving her enough treatment to make her comfortable and let this run its course... if that is what she wants.

She is still of sound mind, and if that is her decision, we must abide by it. I do not have to like it, but I will wholeheartedly support her choices.

She said to one of the nurses today, "I guess I won't be making Petite any more dresses, will I?" Hearing that cuts deep into my heart. I ache for her. For Petite. For the idea that Petite will not remember her.

The two photos above are the last two that I took of her and Petite together when she was visiting in March this year. I may not get the opportunity to take any more; my "Photo a Day for a Year" project has given me these at least. Last year for Aunt B's birthday in November, I compiled a photo book for her. In it were over 50 photos of her and Petite. My daughter's picture was never far from Aunt B; she would even pull it out at the hairdresser's to show off Petite to anyone who would stop to admire her!

We are trying to get organized to fly down to see her, and say our goodbyes as it seems that her time is growing short. I can only hope we make it in time. So every time I speak with her, I make sure that I tell her that I love her and yes, I will be sure to kiss Petite for her. Every single day.

Damn. I wish things were so different.

Hanging In There

This past week has not been a good one. In fact, I think I can safely say it's been one of the worst of my life.

I don't want to elaborate too much here yet. Suffice it to say that one of my aunts is in hospital back at home in Newfoundland and the news is anything but good. I expect I may have to take Petite and fly home for a couple of weeks to see my aunt, and spend some quality time with her.

I hate to think that we are going to lose her. But I suspect there is no way to avoid it. Please God I will get the opportunity to see her again before that time comes.

This week, I am sad not only for myself at the thought of losing someone who has been like a second mom to me, but also for my own mom as she is preparing to lose a sister; the first of the five siblings. I am even more sad for Petite, because Petite adores her great aunts and uncles. This one in particular. And she is too young to have any tangible memories of my aunt yet. At least the rest of the family has memories and wonderful things to recall. Petite cannot do that.

I am just heartbroken.

So I'm hiding and dealing, and just hanging in there. Prayers and good thoughts are most welcome right now. Bear with me.

Comments from the Peanut Gallery

I realized I've been quiet of late. I don't know if it's because I have nothing to say, or because I have too much to say. Is it possible that it's both? You see, there's a LOT going on in our lives right now. Isn't that always the case chez nous?! But not much of it is related to infertility. And because of that, I'm not sure that this is the venue for discussing it. But then I realize that I mentioned some of these things in passing in previous posts so if you are a regular reader (I don't think I have many of those!), you may be wondering what the follow-up might be.

For posterity's sake, here's what's going on in our lives, and a quick run down of 'updates' about things I'd mentioned in older posts.

365 Blog
I am still focussing on the 365 blog, as there's not much going on in the IF world for us right now. And while I'm taking a photo a day, many days I think that I have very little reason to do so. I drop Petite off at daycare. I go to work. I pick Petite up from daycare. I go home. I do the evening/mommy routine (solo most days, because Hubby works evenings), and then I get to bed around midnight, to get up at 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. and do it all over again. So while I see some wonderful bloggers with GORGEOUS 365 blogs, mine is rather dull by comparison. There are lots of photos of Petite, but not much that is actually truly beautiful. Just moments of my life I suppose... and I expect that rare is the person who would find that interesting for a whole year! So if you do peek at that blog, understand that some days it's hard for me to find something... anything... to take a photo of for uploading. Bear with me.

LaGrande
She is still a train wreck. She has bounced from place to place, (I don't know where she is right now... probably couch-surfing with friends), continues to smoke and do drugs, dropped out of one school and eventually enrolled in another school for troubled teens (so much for graduating this year), and generally continues to use and abuse the system. She has contacted Hubby a couple of times about seeing him. She asked once to see Petite and we nixed that idea really quickly. On my birthday, she tried to call me to wish me happy birthday. Mind you, she called at 9 p.m. and later, which is definitely NOT cool when you have a little one you're trying to get to bed, and she knows we do not accept calls at that hour. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. When Hubby arrived home at 10, and the phone rang again yet again, he answered, and she asked to speak to me to wish me Happy Birthday. No thank you; a few weeks previous, on her mother's birthday, LaGrande refused to go to dinner with her mom because her mom had refused to give her money for something. Anyway, LaGrande then said something about giving me flowers and seeing me in person, and I shook my head at Hubby; I'm simply not interested. My message to her was to give the flowers to her own mother; I don't want them. A text message to Hubby a few days later from her essentially said, "That was six months ago; can't Gil just get over it already?"

In case it hasn't been crystal clear: I have nothing to 'get over.' If you're reading this LaGrande, it's YOU who has to do the work here. You have to get your life back together. You have to be a decent, moral, upstanding person. That means no drugs. No dropping out of school. It means making an effort. It means cleaning up your act. It means apologizing profusely for the hell you put us through. It means finding and keeping a job. It means caring about other people, not just yourself and what you want, continuing down the selfish path you seem to be on. It means not gallivanting out and about all hours of the day and night with supposed 'friends' who are also doing drugs, drinking and generally up to no good; these 'friends' who are just as unable as you are right now to figure out their own lives and who are not doing a great job at trying to do or be anything in life. In general, it means being a GOOD person. When you get that through your brain (I'm estimating in about 4-6 years time) and start to make good on some of those things, then, and only then, will you be permitted to contact me and possibly be reintroduced into our lives. As you know, I don't keep company with people who do what you are doing. Plain and simple. If you stop what you are doing, then I may consider it. There's no 'getting over' what you have done and are doing. What you did has changed our relationship fundamentally; that means it will never, ever, EVER be the same. That's life. That's your choice. That's what you have done. You said you realized the ramifications of your actions and choices. I don't think you really did. It's not something you can brush aside, like a minor thing, such as, "Oh, I f*cked up on a test. Forgive me?" No. Not at all. It's so much more than that. Sooooo much more than that.

Birthday
Yes, I had my birthday. 42. You read that right. 42 years old. I don't FEEL 42. (Then again, how is 42 supposed to feel anyway?) It was a quiet day and if I were being honest with myself, I was a bit down about it all. Hubby had to work. I had to do the regular routine. I was going to bake myself a cake but I didn't have the ingredients for icing. Then I thought about baking cupcakes with the cake mix, but we didn't have enough papers (I suppose I could have greased the pan though, huh?). In the end, I stopped at a grocery store and bought a cake. Petite helped me blow out the candles. Hubby actually forgot my birthday, remembering much later in the day (probably after seeing some of my friends' Facebook birthday wishes to me) and he texted me an apology and called as well. In the evening, I didn't have much time to talk to the family members who called, because it made Petite's routine really delayed; she never got in the bath until after 8 p.m.! Not good. But we survived. I had cake. I spent my birthday alone; however, Hubby and my girlfriend K got together and we did a BBQ and ice cream cake this past weekend instead. Good enough. After all, it isn't about me anymore, now is it? :D I suppose I'd do well to remember that now and then....

IVF?
In mid-May, Hubby and I went to Montreal. I truly do not like that city, all the worse with the student protests that are ongoing. (Don't even get me started on that topic! I'll go off half-cocked!) Anyway, after meeting with our old RE, and outlining the reasons we need to be seen at MUHC rather than in Ottawa or at Montréal Reproductive, we moved things forward. We met with a nurse and we discussed a few things. I need to have another u/s to check the cysts that are visible. The one on the right is a simple, functional cyst and will likely be aspirated prior to starting meds, like we did last time. There was a complex cyst on the left. The Ottawa RE expected it to reabsorb into the body; the Montreal RE asked if there was any indication that it might be cancer... either benign or malignant. No, there was no indication of that at all, but we'll check its presence again at the next u/s. No concern at the moment about it hough. About three weeks prior to that appointment in Montreal, my GP upped my hypothyroidism medication, so I need to wait a bit to get blood work done to check those levels again; I may be able to do that this month in fact. Hubby will need another appointment in Montreal to meet with the urologist for a quick exam and to sign the permission forms for TESA/PESA. We also have to sign our consent forms for the IVF + ICSI procedure. Then our nurse presented me with a list of prescriptions and (gulp!) a tentative calendar for September cycling with ER and transfer near mid October. Dear baby Jesus. We have a Calendar. Wow.

And yet I'm terrified to go through with this and have a different outcome than we did for our first (extremely lucky!) IVF. What if they get no decent eggs? What if it doesn't work? What if it does and then I miscarry early? What if it does and I learn the baby has a trisomy? What if the baby has a life-threatening condition? What if  I lose the baby right before birth? What if the baby is stillborn? What if, what if, what if, what if... it all goes round in my head. I'm terrified. Completely terrified. But I also know that if I don't do this, I will regret it forever. It will eat at me. Nag at me. Bother me. In 10 years' time I'll think, "Gil, you should have tried. You really should have tried." I'd rather try than not. My motto remains, "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets. Alors essaye."

To top it off, Petite is now at the age when she is asking for a sibling. She had to come to Montreal with us to our appointment, so she met the RE and all that. She takes the cake though: she keeps saying she wants a brother AND a sister. And then she looks up at me and smiles this happy, expectant grin. Hoo boy! Can you imagine if we did an IVF and got twins?!

Finances
We thought Hubby would owe something like $3500 in back taxes. But we finished doing them and when all is said and done, he only owes something like $1800. Gonna take a bit to work it off, but nothing too serious. We can manage that I think. It means being very careful. I'm planning far in advance for things so we can afford the cruise that we booked for February next year, and we'll factor in this bill too. Given the IVF fees, the vacation and the back taxes, it's enough money to try to find.

Vacation
As mentioned, we have that cruise coming up in February next year. But before that, we have a week-long driving trip to NB planned to visit family. Petite keeps asking, "We go on trip today?" I keep replying, "No honey, we'll go in a few months. Don't worry. We're going on a couple of trips." She's got the wanderlust bug, just like her mommy. I love that! One of these days when she's older, I hope to be able to pick up and fly away for a quick holiday with her to Disney World, or some beach somewhere, on a mother-daughter trip. THAT would be fun. I'd love to do that.

Anyway, we have the driving trip to NB up first. Then the cruise next February. Then next July, I have to budget to get home again. It will be my graduating class' 25th reunion and I'm definitely going! It'll be wonderful to see everyone! I am looking forward to it already! (Now if I could lose 60-80 lbs by then, I'd be happy too!!!)

I'm so excited about the cruise though. I want to lie on a beach and soak up some sun, with a rum punch or fruity drink in my hand. Dip my toes in clear water. Maybe even check out the Atlantis Resort in Nassau (oh to spend a day in that waterpark! Wouldn't that be a blast!?!) or something like that. My girlfriend K wants to do an introductory scuba dive with me. I've never done that but I'd be willing to do a 30 or 40 ft dive to see the reefs. Just thinking about it makes me smile. And the kids want to explore parasailing! Good on them! It'll be so much fun. We're all very much looking forward to it after the year that we have just had.

Health
My arthritis is acting up these days. I am feeling it in my elbows and forearms. I suppose that's a side effect of my job; I'm a writer and I spend days at a keyboard, writing, editing, researching, etc. My setup is as ergonomic as it possibly can be. But as the week gets longer, and my fingers and elbows are working nonstop to do the work that needs to be done, I certainly can feel it. I'm trying to take time out during my day to get to the gym in my building and that's helping. On the days when I'm too busy to get there, I can feel it in my bones. And I know that I'll have to stop taking the arthritis medication to do the IVF cycle. Man... do I have to go back to THAT pain? Ugh. I hope the IVF works so I can get my joints loosened up with the relaxin that my body produces... if nothing else! LOL (Hey, ya gotta laugh!) 

School?!
We picked up an enrollment package to start Petite in school for September 2013; she'll be 4 years old then. Scary huh? Is it terrible that I just want to keep her a little girl in daycare? Or home with Mommy? Oh my. But we have to look ahead and so we're getting on the ball. Wow. Just. Wow.

Old Friends
An old friend, T, has gotten in touch with me again. It's good to hear from her. I'm glad she's doing well. We may try to hook up with her when we're in Montreal sometime. Her little boy is 6 months older than Petite and he's the spitting image of his dad. It would be nice to see them all again. I have missed her friendship over the last couple of years.


That's about it for now. That's enough, though. I'm PMSing these days; good ol' Aunt Flo is due any day now so I'm grumpy and feeling out of sorts. The grumpiness only lasts a day or two, but I had to catch myself the other night as Petite hounded me with the "why" questions and general refusal to cooperate. Oh she's definitely 2, that's for sure! Anyway, with Aunt Flo on the horizon, I'm wondering about going to get that blood work done or if I will wait one more month to be certain the thyroid meds are doing their job. To be determined. There's a lot going on in the ART blogs these days, but alas, I just don't have much time to comment! We've all noticed a decline in comments in recent months (Mel discussed it in a blog entry I believe) but I'm just as guilty as anyone else. Nevertheless, I'm still here and I'm still reading. I'm particularly over the moon for Mo and Will (Life and Love in the Petri Dish) as Mo hits the halfway mark in her pregnancy. It's been a long, hellish journey for them both and I continue to keep fingers crossed as they wait, hope and wish for everything to go smoothly. Prayers and love go out to them, as always!

Take care all. I hope your summer is shaping up to be absolutely spectacular! Love to all in blogland.

Zoo followed by BBQ

For the long May 24 weekend, Hubby and I went to visit Pam and V in the Greater Toronto Area. And we arranged with Patti (a former IF blogger, now inactive) and her husband to get together with them and their 3-year old for a day at Toronto Zoo. 

Hubby took a few great shots of the polar bear in his habitat. He'd just come out after a swim.

Petite wanted to see the crocodiles, so we took the kids inside the area where they're kept. They didn't move much, so I wonder if she realized they were real! 

Petite wanted to see the monkeys, but as soon as she saw the "mingos" she was taken!

Personally I love the big cats. This is one of the better photos I took. 

Patti and her husband brought a wagon for the kids to share. After lunch, they were determined to play, even though they were starting to tucker out. 

It was the first weekend the Zoo's Splash Pad was open. We got some wonderful photos and a video of Petite running in and out of the water. She had a blast! And it was a great way for the kids to refresh. 

Patti took this one, appropriate titled "Anticipation." 

The kids on the merry-go-round, and they loved it!

The kids both finally crashed when they were loaded into the vehicles for the ride home. A nap was definitely in order. They needed it for later that night... 

... because that evening, Pam held a huge BBQ (about 50-60 people) for her husband's birthday. Here are the kids enjoying themselves to the fullest! (Patti's husband, M, took this photo.)

Little Miss is such a socialite! Just like her great-grandmother on her grandfather's side. She was the centre of the party, dancing, laughing, and generally unafraid to approach anyone in the room! So much so, that when V's birthday cake was brought out, she was right there with him! 

The cake was a masterpiece! Pam does the most brilliant pieces. The cake is in the photo below; the pancakes are really a cake! It was scrumptious! On top of that, Pam's husband V let Petite help him blow out the candle!

We had a glorious visit. And that day was spectacular. One we shall not forget anytime soon.

Thank you Pam, V, Patti and M for making our time in the GTA such fun!

Holiday Booked!

We've been eyeing another cruise for awhile now. For long-time readers, you will recall that we went on a Western Caribbean cruise in January 2011 (Petite was about 16 months old at the time). And while we've jaunted back and forth to see my folks, and gone camping now and then, we would really like to try a cruise again now that Petite is a bit older and we aren't quite as restricted with diapers, bottles, strict nap and feeding times, etc.

Added to that, my girlfriend K and her daughter K have been asking for us to go with them on vacation for a number of years. Life just seems to get in the way. So with hopes of planning far in advance to save, we started shopping around in November 2011 for something in early 2013, giving us all enough time to save money, plan details, figure out all the ins-and-outs, renew passports, etc.

We finally made the leap.

Yesterday I put down a deposit on a 5-day Eastern Caribbean Cruise that goes in February 2013. Six people (three kids, three adults) in two rooms, departing out of Miami. There are stops in Grand Turk (Turks and Caicos), Nassau and Half Moon Cay (Bahamas). We are SO excited.

I'm already looking at excursions, hotels in Miami (for a day or two prior to the cruise departure), things for Petite to see and do, onboard amenities, and stuff to keep the teens busy.

I CANNOT WAIT. *dances*

YAY! A full week of no cooking or cleaning and with luck, we'll get some sun and sand and fun. Oh joy!

Puddles

As you go through life, there are moments now and then that make you stop, sit up, and take notice of your surroundings rather than blindly rushing headlong down the path of daily humdrum. One of those moments happened to me this morning.

It's a dull, grey, rainy day here in the nation's capital. The rain started just before midnight last night. I heard it falling softly as I was watching the late night news before bed. The rain continued through the dark hours, drenching the budding flowers, soaking the newly mown lawn, pooling in puddles in the crevices of sidewalks and dips in the concrete on streets.

Petite loves the puddles. She relishes the idea of stomping gleefully in them, her feet protected from the water by her much loved rainboots... brown with pink polka dots this season, to match her splash suit. She has recently discovered the fun and fantasy of carrying an umbrella as well.

I remember as a little girl, I loved umbrellas. Something about having an open umbrella in my hand transported me to a wonderful world of pretty parasols, of polite company, of the gentillesse that accompanies the finer things. A Mary Poppins world of sorts, I suppose, even at a very young age. I'm not entirely certain if Petite feels this way when she carries her pink Dora and Boots umbrella, but her face lights up at the prospect of carrying it nonetheless. So a part of me fantasizes that she too is transported to some magical world of wonder with an umbrella in hand.

This morning when she spied the rain beating down, her eyes lit up at the understanding that she could wear her rain boots AND carry her umbrella today to daycare. She threw herself wholeheartedly into the process of getting ready to leave the house, happy to have such a reward.

For to her, these things are special. What we as adults view as a burden ("Ugh, miserable weather. Now I have to deal with a raincoat and an umbrella, boots/shoes that can handle the water, etc.") she views with the unbridled excitement of childhood. Petite experiences them through a child's eyes. And for just a few moments this morning, so did I.

Outside, she found a big puddle at the end of our walkway and stopped short. She jumped down off the step into it, loving the way the water splashed about and made droplets fly hither and yon. Petite's upturned face looked into mine from under her pink umbrella, "Mommy jump too? Come on! Splash Mommy!" I was so busy enjoying how she was experiencing this moment, I didn't even think she might want me to splash with her. Unfortunately I had to say no; my shoes weren't conducive to such frolicking! For me, I found it wonderful simply to enjoy watching her, and knowing how much she loved to splash about.

I dropped Petite at daycare, and continued on my way to the office, going about my day as usual. At some point during the morning, a coworker said something to me that triggered my memory of Petite's splashing and her smiling face, holding her umbrella with such joy this morning. I stopped what I was working on. And this thought occurred to me:

Wouldn't it be wonderful if Mommy had a pair of rain boots too so I could splash with Petite?

Frankly, we all need a pair of rain boots, don't we? It would be absolutely thrilling if each and every one of us had rainboots so we could enjoy the moment... when it presents. We would all be much happier for it.

Carpe Diem. Go splash in a puddle today, if you can. Whether you're big or small. Old or young. Whether you have a child or not... splashing in puddles IS FUN. Just pure fun.

I think I'll kick off my shoes a little later, turn up my pants and splash away!

A Date with the Dildo Cam

I went to the local RE's office today to have an ultrasound and to discuss my blood work results from the tests done last cycle.

I came out of there with a smile so broad, I'm sure I looked ridiculous. In the car, I even let out a little "Wooo!" of glee.

It's been awhile since I had the pleasure of an external ultrasound as well as the good ol' dildo cam. Oh joy. It wasn't anything that I wasn't prepared for; I guess having gone through so many tests and so many years of IF, it's not a shock for me. I hear that some women are terribly traumatized by the dildo cam. I can understand that; certainly if you're not ready for it or you feel violated or invaded. I never really did, and I've learned to guide technicians to the right spots to best view the ovaries. (You know you've done this too much when...)

Anyway, the tests were finished, and I went from the ultrasound room on the main floor to the offices upstairs for my appointment with the RE.

He opened my file and blinked. And I quote:

"Wow. Gil. This is great. You have the LH and the FSH of a teenager."

I'm so lucky. In the same breath he told me he'd seen a 36-year old earlier this week who is in early menopause. My heart sank for her, and her hopes of having a family with her own eggs. I don't know what that's like but I do realize that so many of us do.

Anyway, I suspected that my results were good, as I had obtained a copy of them from my GP a couple of weeks ago. But I didn't think he'd consider them quite that good. So I'm really pleased with his reaction.

And better yet, I have TEN (count 'em!), TEN antral follicles! I am super pleased with that bit of news! I still have that functional cyst on the right but at the moment my estradiol is not reflecting elevated numbers so it's not affecting the hormone levels. That bodes well for aspiration of that cyst prior to starting a cycle, sort of like we did the last time around.

Would you believe he shook my hand and said, "Good luck. We know you're fertile so I really hope the second time around works as well as the first."

Fertile. Oh my. I've been called a number of things... some good, some rather derogatory, but "fertile" is not a term that I'd apply to myself. That's for sure. In fact, we are definitely infertile; we NEED IVF to create our family. That's never easy. But it's something we can do. So we'll look at pursuing it.

Again.

We've cleared the first hurdle.

Good thing. Because regardless what opinion the local RE has, I guarantee you, I'm no teenager.

Odds and Ends

My head is a jumble of things. So here's an odds and ends post in points for you. That's sorta what happens when I get busy and I'm not entirely sure what to post, but life goes on and there's a whole lotta stuff going on these days.

Hubby just celebrated his 44th birthday on Sunday, April 15. This date was also the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, off the coast of my home province of Newfoundland. It was a beautiful morning so we took Petite out to a park for some fun on the swings and the slide. She had so much fun. She didn't want to go down for her afternoon nap! That evening, we went to my friend's house (yeah, she fell asleep in the car and I drove around for 40 mins while she slept). My friend made dinner for everyone, we brought dessert, and everyone had a lovely meal. It was delicious! Happy 44th Birthday honey. I know this past year hasn't been all that amazing to us, but with a little luck and some hard work, 2012-13 WILL be better. I love you. Never doubt that, even in my most bitchy PMS moments!

While at my friend's house, Hubby did his 2010 taxes (yes, he's woefully behind). Dear baby Jesus, if the figures are right, he owes about $3500. So much for the vacation we had hoped to take in February of next year... It may all go up in smoke. Crap. I was desperately hoping that we'd be able to pull that off. We were all looking forward to it but if he owes that much, I just don't see it happening. Anyway, learning that put me in a rather disheartened mood on Hubby's birthday. And that's a miserable way to be on his special day.

Added to the fun, I was PMSing pretty badly. Aunt Flo was due and every three or four months, I get PMS badly. The bloating. The moodiness. The discomfort. Aches. Pain. Swelling. It's not fun. And it just so happened that all peaked on Sunday. Ugh.

Yesterday, Petite had a bit of a runny nose. Today, she sounds stuffy and she was definitely more clingy this morning. She may very well need to be home later this week, snuggling with Mommy and Daddy instead of playing at daycare and spreading her germs.

Just as I suspected, Aunt Flo has arrived. (CD1 is today, April 17.) I called to schedule my ultrasound and follow-up appointment with the local RE, which will be on Thursday afternoon. We have an appointment booked for May to go to Montreal to determine what next steps we take, if any, given that whole 'need-to-pay-a-boatload-of-taxes' stuff. More ugh.

Thursday night, just after midnight, my parents arrive for a week-long visit. Timed perfectly to catch Petite's cold, I'm sure. (Will we repeat the visit from Hell? Stay tuned for Part Deux!)

And just to make things more fun, Petite is supposed to have her allergy testing on Saturday, the 21st. I certainly won't make her do that if she's laid up with a miserable cold though. Poor kid.

I started going back to the gym at the office. I have to work through my lunch in order to squeeze time to do it, but I've been doing it for more than a week now. I have to continue doing this, for me and for my family. I want to be here to experience Petite's life and if I don't get things under control, I fear she will lose her mom before she is ready. I have to do everything in my power to keep that from happening.

We need to make some upgrades to the house, but until the finances are in order, that can't happen either. I had hoped to purchase some stone and enlist my dad's help this weekend (weather permitting) to redo the edging on the flower bed. That may have to wait. We'll see. There's also the time factor; I simply don't know when I can go purchase these sorts of things with the schedule that I have to keep. I need to replace our pool liner (usually costs about $5K). We need to redo the backyard fence badly. I wanted to reallocate an area in the backyard for Petite to play and buy a little swing set for her. Alas, I expect that won't happen right now. It's frustrating to know that all this work needs to be done and right now, the cash flow isn't there to handle it. And how in the name of God do I expect to do another IVF? Am I insane? I just don't know.

Oh, and we had an insurance rep come to the house to discuss life insurance for Petite. I had been thinking about that for quite some time and meant to do it. Last week I got off my butt and did something about it. That eases my mind a great deal. But again, finding the money to pay for these things. Wow. It's overwhelming how much cash goes OUT of our pockets for so many things.

Easter was good, if low-key. We didn't give Petite much chocolate; she's still being rationed on the stash from Valentine's and she's only just finished what she received for Christmas! But we did get her a few little ones and hid eggs around the main floor of our home. We also got her some Easter goodies, like a skip rope, a bug barn (she's fascinated by ladybugs), an Easter book, Easter decorations for her room, bubbles for outdoors, and a few things like that. She had a whole bag of toys and fun stuff to open and play with.

For Hubby's birthday, I bought tickets for us to go see Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall. What an amazing show! We had a blast. My stepson and my friend's daughter (who are good friends themselves) babysat Petite together. They did great and it was lovely to get out for an evening with adults. I'd like some more of that sort of thing. But I suppose I have to actually find the money to do it with, right?

Petite is now MORE than adept with my iPhone! She's able to find and start up her favourite games, scroll through my photos, and take pictures of her own! I would think that for her third birthday in August, I'm going to have to get her something like an iPod and load it with her own apps, and things, and buy the kid-friendly protective holder for it. Technology huh? Well, it goes without saying that she'll be exposed to it in our house. Now to keep her from hollering for "Tom Cat!" (aka "Talking Tom Cat"every time I put her in her carseat.

Oh such wonderful news! Remember back in the fall, the whole "Win a Baby" contest on our local radio station, The New HOT 89.9? Well, this morning the third of five couples announced a pregnancy! AMAZING! So out of the five couples, three are pregnant now, and one of those three is pregnant with identical twins! The ultrasounds are really cool to see and so many people are extremely supportive of them, keeping fingers crossed and sending good wishes, all that sort of thing. Wonderful, wonderful news. How lucky they all are. Would that we could all have our IVF financed and avoid that costly, difficult step. I am sure they all know they are truly blessed.

Have a great week everyone.

{This Moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by FindingChaos/Soulemama.
A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment'
in the comments for all to find and see.