Comments from the Peanut Gallery

I realized I've been quiet of late. I don't know if it's because I have nothing to say, or because I have too much to say. Is it possible that it's both? You see, there's a LOT going on in our lives right now. Isn't that always the case chez nous?! But not much of it is related to infertility. And because of that, I'm not sure that this is the venue for discussing it. But then I realize that I mentioned some of these things in passing in previous posts so if you are a regular reader (I don't think I have many of those!), you may be wondering what the follow-up might be.

For posterity's sake, here's what's going on in our lives, and a quick run down of 'updates' about things I'd mentioned in older posts.

365 Blog
I am still focussing on the 365 blog, as there's not much going on in the IF world for us right now. And while I'm taking a photo a day, many days I think that I have very little reason to do so. I drop Petite off at daycare. I go to work. I pick Petite up from daycare. I go home. I do the evening/mommy routine (solo most days, because Hubby works evenings), and then I get to bed around midnight, to get up at 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. and do it all over again. So while I see some wonderful bloggers with GORGEOUS 365 blogs, mine is rather dull by comparison. There are lots of photos of Petite, but not much that is actually truly beautiful. Just moments of my life I suppose... and I expect that rare is the person who would find that interesting for a whole year! So if you do peek at that blog, understand that some days it's hard for me to find something... anything... to take a photo of for uploading. Bear with me.

LaGrande
She is still a train wreck. She has bounced from place to place, (I don't know where she is right now... probably couch-surfing with friends), continues to smoke and do drugs, dropped out of one school and eventually enrolled in another school for troubled teens (so much for graduating this year), and generally continues to use and abuse the system. She has contacted Hubby a couple of times about seeing him. She asked once to see Petite and we nixed that idea really quickly. On my birthday, she tried to call me to wish me happy birthday. Mind you, she called at 9 p.m. and later, which is definitely NOT cool when you have a little one you're trying to get to bed, and she knows we do not accept calls at that hour. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. When Hubby arrived home at 10, and the phone rang again yet again, he answered, and she asked to speak to me to wish me Happy Birthday. No thank you; a few weeks previous, on her mother's birthday, LaGrande refused to go to dinner with her mom because her mom had refused to give her money for something. Anyway, LaGrande then said something about giving me flowers and seeing me in person, and I shook my head at Hubby; I'm simply not interested. My message to her was to give the flowers to her own mother; I don't want them. A text message to Hubby a few days later from her essentially said, "That was six months ago; can't Gil just get over it already?"

In case it hasn't been crystal clear: I have nothing to 'get over.' If you're reading this LaGrande, it's YOU who has to do the work here. You have to get your life back together. You have to be a decent, moral, upstanding person. That means no drugs. No dropping out of school. It means making an effort. It means cleaning up your act. It means apologizing profusely for the hell you put us through. It means finding and keeping a job. It means caring about other people, not just yourself and what you want, continuing down the selfish path you seem to be on. It means not gallivanting out and about all hours of the day and night with supposed 'friends' who are also doing drugs, drinking and generally up to no good; these 'friends' who are just as unable as you are right now to figure out their own lives and who are not doing a great job at trying to do or be anything in life. In general, it means being a GOOD person. When you get that through your brain (I'm estimating in about 4-6 years time) and start to make good on some of those things, then, and only then, will you be permitted to contact me and possibly be reintroduced into our lives. As you know, I don't keep company with people who do what you are doing. Plain and simple. If you stop what you are doing, then I may consider it. There's no 'getting over' what you have done and are doing. What you did has changed our relationship fundamentally; that means it will never, ever, EVER be the same. That's life. That's your choice. That's what you have done. You said you realized the ramifications of your actions and choices. I don't think you really did. It's not something you can brush aside, like a minor thing, such as, "Oh, I f*cked up on a test. Forgive me?" No. Not at all. It's so much more than that. Sooooo much more than that.

Birthday
Yes, I had my birthday. 42. You read that right. 42 years old. I don't FEEL 42. (Then again, how is 42 supposed to feel anyway?) It was a quiet day and if I were being honest with myself, I was a bit down about it all. Hubby had to work. I had to do the regular routine. I was going to bake myself a cake but I didn't have the ingredients for icing. Then I thought about baking cupcakes with the cake mix, but we didn't have enough papers (I suppose I could have greased the pan though, huh?). In the end, I stopped at a grocery store and bought a cake. Petite helped me blow out the candles. Hubby actually forgot my birthday, remembering much later in the day (probably after seeing some of my friends' Facebook birthday wishes to me) and he texted me an apology and called as well. In the evening, I didn't have much time to talk to the family members who called, because it made Petite's routine really delayed; she never got in the bath until after 8 p.m.! Not good. But we survived. I had cake. I spent my birthday alone; however, Hubby and my girlfriend K got together and we did a BBQ and ice cream cake this past weekend instead. Good enough. After all, it isn't about me anymore, now is it? :D I suppose I'd do well to remember that now and then....

IVF?
In mid-May, Hubby and I went to Montreal. I truly do not like that city, all the worse with the student protests that are ongoing. (Don't even get me started on that topic! I'll go off half-cocked!) Anyway, after meeting with our old RE, and outlining the reasons we need to be seen at MUHC rather than in Ottawa or at Montréal Reproductive, we moved things forward. We met with a nurse and we discussed a few things. I need to have another u/s to check the cysts that are visible. The one on the right is a simple, functional cyst and will likely be aspirated prior to starting meds, like we did last time. There was a complex cyst on the left. The Ottawa RE expected it to reabsorb into the body; the Montreal RE asked if there was any indication that it might be cancer... either benign or malignant. No, there was no indication of that at all, but we'll check its presence again at the next u/s. No concern at the moment about it hough. About three weeks prior to that appointment in Montreal, my GP upped my hypothyroidism medication, so I need to wait a bit to get blood work done to check those levels again; I may be able to do that this month in fact. Hubby will need another appointment in Montreal to meet with the urologist for a quick exam and to sign the permission forms for TESA/PESA. We also have to sign our consent forms for the IVF + ICSI procedure. Then our nurse presented me with a list of prescriptions and (gulp!) a tentative calendar for September cycling with ER and transfer near mid October. Dear baby Jesus. We have a Calendar. Wow.

And yet I'm terrified to go through with this and have a different outcome than we did for our first (extremely lucky!) IVF. What if they get no decent eggs? What if it doesn't work? What if it does and then I miscarry early? What if it does and I learn the baby has a trisomy? What if the baby has a life-threatening condition? What if  I lose the baby right before birth? What if the baby is stillborn? What if, what if, what if, what if... it all goes round in my head. I'm terrified. Completely terrified. But I also know that if I don't do this, I will regret it forever. It will eat at me. Nag at me. Bother me. In 10 years' time I'll think, "Gil, you should have tried. You really should have tried." I'd rather try than not. My motto remains, "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets. Alors essaye."

To top it off, Petite is now at the age when she is asking for a sibling. She had to come to Montreal with us to our appointment, so she met the RE and all that. She takes the cake though: she keeps saying she wants a brother AND a sister. And then she looks up at me and smiles this happy, expectant grin. Hoo boy! Can you imagine if we did an IVF and got twins?!

Finances
We thought Hubby would owe something like $3500 in back taxes. But we finished doing them and when all is said and done, he only owes something like $1800. Gonna take a bit to work it off, but nothing too serious. We can manage that I think. It means being very careful. I'm planning far in advance for things so we can afford the cruise that we booked for February next year, and we'll factor in this bill too. Given the IVF fees, the vacation and the back taxes, it's enough money to try to find.

Vacation
As mentioned, we have that cruise coming up in February next year. But before that, we have a week-long driving trip to NB planned to visit family. Petite keeps asking, "We go on trip today?" I keep replying, "No honey, we'll go in a few months. Don't worry. We're going on a couple of trips." She's got the wanderlust bug, just like her mommy. I love that! One of these days when she's older, I hope to be able to pick up and fly away for a quick holiday with her to Disney World, or some beach somewhere, on a mother-daughter trip. THAT would be fun. I'd love to do that.

Anyway, we have the driving trip to NB up first. Then the cruise next February. Then next July, I have to budget to get home again. It will be my graduating class' 25th reunion and I'm definitely going! It'll be wonderful to see everyone! I am looking forward to it already! (Now if I could lose 60-80 lbs by then, I'd be happy too!!!)

I'm so excited about the cruise though. I want to lie on a beach and soak up some sun, with a rum punch or fruity drink in my hand. Dip my toes in clear water. Maybe even check out the Atlantis Resort in Nassau (oh to spend a day in that waterpark! Wouldn't that be a blast!?!) or something like that. My girlfriend K wants to do an introductory scuba dive with me. I've never done that but I'd be willing to do a 30 or 40 ft dive to see the reefs. Just thinking about it makes me smile. And the kids want to explore parasailing! Good on them! It'll be so much fun. We're all very much looking forward to it after the year that we have just had.

Health
My arthritis is acting up these days. I am feeling it in my elbows and forearms. I suppose that's a side effect of my job; I'm a writer and I spend days at a keyboard, writing, editing, researching, etc. My setup is as ergonomic as it possibly can be. But as the week gets longer, and my fingers and elbows are working nonstop to do the work that needs to be done, I certainly can feel it. I'm trying to take time out during my day to get to the gym in my building and that's helping. On the days when I'm too busy to get there, I can feel it in my bones. And I know that I'll have to stop taking the arthritis medication to do the IVF cycle. Man... do I have to go back to THAT pain? Ugh. I hope the IVF works so I can get my joints loosened up with the relaxin that my body produces... if nothing else! LOL (Hey, ya gotta laugh!) 

School?!
We picked up an enrollment package to start Petite in school for September 2013; she'll be 4 years old then. Scary huh? Is it terrible that I just want to keep her a little girl in daycare? Or home with Mommy? Oh my. But we have to look ahead and so we're getting on the ball. Wow. Just. Wow.

Old Friends
An old friend, T, has gotten in touch with me again. It's good to hear from her. I'm glad she's doing well. We may try to hook up with her when we're in Montreal sometime. Her little boy is 6 months older than Petite and he's the spitting image of his dad. It would be nice to see them all again. I have missed her friendship over the last couple of years.


That's about it for now. That's enough, though. I'm PMSing these days; good ol' Aunt Flo is due any day now so I'm grumpy and feeling out of sorts. The grumpiness only lasts a day or two, but I had to catch myself the other night as Petite hounded me with the "why" questions and general refusal to cooperate. Oh she's definitely 2, that's for sure! Anyway, with Aunt Flo on the horizon, I'm wondering about going to get that blood work done or if I will wait one more month to be certain the thyroid meds are doing their job. To be determined. There's a lot going on in the ART blogs these days, but alas, I just don't have much time to comment! We've all noticed a decline in comments in recent months (Mel discussed it in a blog entry I believe) but I'm just as guilty as anyone else. Nevertheless, I'm still here and I'm still reading. I'm particularly over the moon for Mo and Will (Life and Love in the Petri Dish) as Mo hits the halfway mark in her pregnancy. It's been a long, hellish journey for them both and I continue to keep fingers crossed as they wait, hope and wish for everything to go smoothly. Prayers and love go out to them, as always!

Take care all. I hope your summer is shaping up to be absolutely spectacular! Love to all in blogland.

Where to Turn When No One Will Help?

I've been very quiet about the personal issues I've been dealing with lately.

I've come to realize something though: while I'm dealing with them, they're not MY issues. They're LaGrande's issues. But they are plentiful. And I no longer know where to turn. Here's what's going on in my world at the moment. Hold onto your hats. It's a doozy of a ride; and here you thought the IF rollercoaster was something!



We're dealing with repeated self-mutilation. Some that has required hospital intervention.

Then came skipping classes.

Then it was lying to us and going to a rave with a friend.

Where she got drunk. Like TOTALLY drunk. So much so that she touted on Facebook in a private message, "I wasn't totally drunk. I still remember everything."

And took the next day to recover.

Next we found out about the drugs. It started with weed, then moved to speed.

And she is no longer taking her anti-depressants but states that she wants to die... just not to kill herself.

In the past two weeks, we've talked to her. Tried to get her to discuss what's going on. We're pretty open minded and fairly easy to talk to. But all this in one shot? Quite a bit to handle ain't it?

Then as a consequence of her actions, we grounded her for one month. She rebelled and said she refused to follow our rules. We handed her a suitcase. Then called Drug and Alcohol intervention. Who redirected us to the police. Who redirected us to mental health. Who redirected us to a shelter for women. Who redirected us back to mental health crisis intervention. Four hours later, intervention workers came. We reduced her grounding to 2 weeks; dependent on her actions in those two weeks it could be extended to the one-month original grounding.

That same night she asked to have a friend sleep over FFS!!! /boggle

This past weekend, her good friend tried to commit suicide. That was followed quickly by her own cutting (again). I had her mom come get her and take her to the hospital (I had to stay home with Petite). The hospital let her go. The next day, crisis intervention workers saw her at her mother's house.

No dice. We've spent the last two days shlepping her from hospital to intervention locations and everyone is passing the buck. No one will say, "She needs help. We will help her." Not. One. Soul. But we continue to try. Today started at a hospital; she got sent to another hospital... the same one she was at yesterday. They're saying she's not "serious" enough about her statements and she really doesn't mean it.

Next Hubby is bringing her to a walk-in mental health crisis centre. (Oh yes, Hubby has had to take a few days off work to deal with some of this too at this point. And I've been trying to schedule the family therapy sessions during my lunch hour.) While at that centre, La Grande will be told that she cannot come back to our home until we can get her some treatment, and she agrees to adhere to that treatment AND THEN MAKES THE DAMN EFFORT instead of flaunting it behind our backs, and telling her friends that she is "pretending" to be better so she can get off her anti-depressants.

Look, here's the long and the short of it: We have a two-year old. I work in law-enforcement. There are basic rules that must be enforced in our home to ensure job security and personal safety. We cannot continue to let her call the shots. Respect is paramount. I expect normal teenage crap. This shit ain't normal. Nor do we have to put up with it in our home.

What pisses me off though, what really gets me f*cking riled is this:

In this big, wide, supposedly great city, with apparently LOTS of resources, health care that is supposed to be stellar, and all that crap, the city where a teenager committed suicide last week because of bullying (LaGrande is bullied too; two days ago, another mom stood up for her to a bunch of teens... and their ignorant parents), no one, not one person, resource, location, program, whatever will say, "Yes, we can help her."

NOT ONE.

No one will help us. I need to ensure the safety of my family, myself, my home and my job. Enough.

I found out this morning she had a few hits off a bong with a friend on Monday afternoon. While she was grounded. And she knew that if she did it again, her bags would be packed for her.

Tonight we are packing her clothing and personal items. She will no longer be permitted to live in our home. When we see changes, real and pertinent changes, we may discuss reintroducing her to our family. Until then, for safety's sake, it just can't happen.

Bear with me everyone. It's been a very difficult few months and these last two weeks are really trying my patience. If you have experience with this sort of thing, feel free to weigh in.

A Handful of Busy

There's a lot going on right now and just trying to keep up is getting the better of me. As evidenced by the dizzy spells I've had this week. Two people said I really ought to get my doctor to check it out, but I expect it'll pass. At least, that's what I'm banking on.

I'm researching the answers to the questions that I'll be asked on camera on Monday for the TV interview that I'll be doing. I hope I can convey the points that Conceivable Dreams is looking to convey. Wish me luck.

My doctor called yesterday: she is referring me for an MRI for my right heel. I've had pain for more than a year now and I started physio last week. The physiotherapist said, "That's an Achilles tear. Partial or full, I don't know. But that's all Achilles, not bursitis," and he asked for the name of my doctor. I can only surmise that it was his doing that helped get me that referral. We'll see what happens. I have physio again tomorrow morning.

Today is Friday. I usually try to do a This Moment post. Alas... I have no photos for you. Well, I do. But I haven't downloaded them yet. I promise I will. I just need to try to find some time. My time is so tight these days, that I haven't even had a chance to call my own mom this week! And that's a shame. Because I know so many of us have lost our moms already, all all of you would be beating me with a stick saying, "Call your mother!" I'll try to squeeze that in tonight after bathtime routines.

Children mentioned hereafter: Life/Petite Update

Hubby is working 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. (or sometimes 4 p.m. to midnight) so I see him for maybe 15 minutes per day: some in the morning, and a few minutes in the evening if I'm lucid enough to chat for a few when he gets home. It's tiring me out though. I am keeping tabs on LaGrande and her whereabouts and social life (as required of any 16-year old!) and of course, caring for Petite when I'm not at the office. I make up the menus, do a lot of the shopping and deal with meals, sometimes with Hubby's or LaGrande's help for example, in preparation or just putting something in the oven and turning it on before I get home from work with Petite.

And there are nights like Wednesday, when Petite refuses to go to sleep. After a bedtime story, and a snack and milk, she needs to brush her teeth. While she's sleepy when she's having her milk and story, getting her up to do her teeth wakes her up and then she plays and tosses and turns for an hour or more. Wednesday, she didn't go to sleep until almost 10 p.m.! It's crazy. I tried starting the routine earlier last night, and she went to sleep by about 8:50. Still late, but better than 9:50! I sometimes fall asleep next to her but it isn't the ideal situation, now is it? Ugh.

Petite continues to do amazingly well with using the toilet. So much so that at daycare yesterday, she took her nap in her panties, rather than a diaper. Last night after dinner, she peed a little at the kitchen table and immediately stopped herself, exclaiming, "Pee!" LaGrande took her to the washroom and Petite finished the job. She does this on a regular basis now, if she ever starts to have an accident. No big deal. I'm glad that we have hardwood and laminate flooring!

She needs another haircut now too. As an infant, her hair grew excruciatingly slowly! But wow, has it ever picked up the pace! I can't see her eyes anymore. And I need to have it trimmed before we go to the pumpkin patch and Saunders Farm next month for our traditional Halloween outing with the family.

LaGrande got a part-time job and we're thrilled for her of course! It does throw a monkey wrench into the family outings and such, but it's okay. After all, it's what is supposed to happen. And honestly, having a job will give her a boost of confidence again. Good for her! We all need someone to believe in us (other than our parents!) now and then. I'm so proud!

Anyway, all that to say I'm just tuckered out. Life is dealing me a handful of busy and I'm dealing with it. While I'm still reading all of your blogs, I rarely get time for my own. Bear with me; this too shall pass. And I'll upload pics as soon as I get them.

Sending love to...
A shout out to Michelle, who after 35 weeks, had a C-section last night because pre-eclampsia was about to rear its ugly head. Her twins have arrived! We're waiting for updates, but all reports are good. Go say hi and tell her congratulations!

I'm also watching Kelly's blog closely because she is also 35 weeks and almost ready to meet her little girl. I hope everything goes smoothly for her!

A New School Year Begins

Children are mentioned in this post; I feel I've been slack about noting that. So I'm going to try to be more diligent about mentioning it.

School started yesterday for the 2011–12 year. I'll be honest, I've rarely paid attention to the new school year starting. I mean seriously, when would an infertile take time to focus on an activity/event that is specifically for or about children? Once in awhile, I'd go shopping with my girlfriend's daughter for new school clothes. But other than that, I've largely ignored school schedules, bussing information, registration, dates, etc. However, all that has changed.

My stepdaughter, LaGrande, moved in with her dad and me over the summer. She is in her senior year of high school and she changed schools (and school boards) for her final year. This was at her impetus; her dad and I made sure she was aware that she could stay at her old school if she wanted to. She was anxious and excited about a new start and I hope she makes the most of the opportunity. Both her dad and I (and her mom too) are trying to give her what she needs to move forward and do great things with her life. Now if I could just get her to tidy her room!

Another great thing: she's been looking for a job over the summer and yesterday, a local party store called to speak to her about a possibility. She hopes to connect with them today. I am keeping my fingers crossed for her. Think good thoughts for her please!

Because of Hubby's current schedule (he works 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. every day) I fear I'm not going to be able to rejoin the church choir this fall. I wish I could. LaGrande offered to babysit on Thursday evenings while I'm at choir, but that means I'd be taking her away from her studies. And frankly, in her senior year, I want to give her the absolute BEST chance at getting good marks. So I don't want to take advantage of her like that or put her in a tough position right off the bat. If perchance it works out that Thursday evenings she's a little more free, then I may take her up on it. But for now, I fear I'm going to have to keep to the strict routine I have going for myself and Petite so we can make this work for everyone and help LaGrande get great marks too. As well, with some luck, she will have a job for the fall and winter, I need to give her time and space to apply herself to that responsibility and learn to earn her way in life. So it was with regret that I sent an e-mail to the choir director and apologized profusely for not being able to attend at the moment. I will miss it; I really enjoyed it very much. I'm not giving it up entirely as I hope to join along later in the year. But for now, it just won't work. Maybe Hubby's schedule will change later on and that might let me attend. To be continued, I'm sure.

Petite returned to daycare yesterday after it was closed for vacation last week. This week, a new little girl has joined the daycare. Things are changing there and the coming months will see Petite losing a friend or two at daycare and gaining two more. You see, here's who the daycare provider had last year:

All Day

1. Petite (1 year)


2. N (boy; 2 years)


3. O (boy; 3 years)


4. K (boy; 4 years... daycare provider's son who went to school for half a day)

Before and After School

1. R (girl; 6 years)


2. C (boy; 8 years and R's brother)


3. N (boy: 7 years, daycare provider's middle son)


4. M (boy; 11 years, daycare provider's oldest son)

So Petite had three little boys around her all day long. This summer, O was switched to another daycare that had hours which coincide with the school he'll be attending. Now, in the fall, the youngest boy, N, is going to change providers too as he's almost three and able to go to some structured classes at the private school where he'll be going. And K, the daycare provider's youngest son is now in school full time. Poor Petite is going to be all alone!

But over the summer, two more little girls joined the flock! M started at the daycare yesterday; she's about 20 months so very close in age to Petite. Petite already wanted to share her sleep stuffie Pooh Bear with M at nap time yesterday. I expect they'll be close as they get to know each other better. And in about a month's time, another little girl, A, will join the crew. She's only one year old though... so Petite goes from being the youngest to the oldest in one fell swoop! I trust she will be good and caring with the smaller ones. She shows so much concern for others and is genuinely touched by their emotions. It's sweet.

A HUGE development yesterday:
Petite did Number 2 in the toilet! She went with LaGrande to go to the potty when prompted (she's still in diapers, but learning how to read the cues and express her needs) and when she sat down, she said, "Poo poo" and she held LaGrande's hand and did a poop in the toilet! I was so happy for her! She knows she gets smarties when uses the toilet and I obliged quite happily. I gave her a huge hug, picked her up and hugged her tight, kissing her. I told her, "We're going to have to go shopping for panties soon!" She repeated with a grin, "Panties!" and clapped her hands. My gosh. I can't believe it. I,m so thrilled that she's getting it! Good for her!

Halloween is fast approaching. Petite has already expressed a desire to be either a ghost or a monkey. Both of which she can certainly do well, as her "Boo" and "Ee ee, ooooh, ooooh" are perfected. I mentioned it to my sister and bless her, she found a great monkey costume for a wonderful price and picked it up for us! YAY! A monkey it is! When I get the costume, I'll dress Petite in it and have her practice! It should be cute! We'll have to visit some friends and certainly the daycare. We'll pop around to a few houses too. I love to decorate for Halloween. It's been hard though; we live on a dead-end street (a cul-de-sac). And many people around us are older or retired and they don't celebrate. So we've had NO kids visit our house for Halloween in recent years. It just isn't a good area for Trick-or-Treating. But we have Petite now. So even if no one comes to our house, we'll have to make a point of decorating anyway and we'll make sure she gets to go Trick-or-Treating. I remember enjoying Halloween so much as a child. I want to make it special for her too.

The weather is changing. We're thinking about closing our pool. Our windows get closed at night these days. I've had to wear a light jacket to work in the mornings. I'm rummaging for shoes that are not sandals! And the provincial election is on the horizon. More about that to come. I saw the first signs posted in my neighborhood on the way to work this morning. I'll muse on the election in the coming days and the hopes that I have for the radio contest mentioned in the last post, as I expect the topic of infertility to be raised this time around.

I hope everyone out in Blogland has had a good summer. Mine was tough and not that great. But we move on and we get ready for fall activities and events and the coming hibernation of winter. May it bring better things for everyone. Love to all.

Home

As you all know, I took Petite "home" to Newfoundland for about 11 days in August. Ah yes, when I say "home" it always means back to Newfoundland. For while I reside and work in the nation's capital, I have no family here per se, and of course, I'm a Newf first and foremost... a Canadian second. (Remember, islanders only voted 51% to 49% to join Canada in the first place.)

Anyway, back at home, our first order of business was a haircut. We saw my hairdresser. She's been doing my hair since I was 8 years old; this wonderful lady has worked on my grandmother's hair, my mother's, mine, and now my daughter's hair. Four generations. We love her so much, we invited her to our wedding. She's more of a family friend now than just a hairdresser. Bless her too; she certainly knows her craft!


This is my new nephew, dozing peacefully on a blanket at my aunt's home. He's gorgeous. And such a good baby. My sister lucked out for sure!



My dad and Petite, playing in Bowring Park. She loved getting out and stretching her legs, running and playing with Poppy!

Again, Petite and Poppy. This time, they're feeding the ducks at Quidi Vidi (pronounced "Kiddy Viddy").

Petite and Auntie B, my mom's eldest sister. We went out for brunch one morning and had a lovely time.

Another of Petite with Auntie B. Here they are in the playground area of Bowring Park. Petite really loves the 'wings'!

My BIL and sister at Middle Cove. Pretty much any evening in the summer, you can go down to Middle Cove beach and make a fire on the beach, have a 'mug up' or just s'mores and snacks with friends. A great way to spend an evening, listening to the waves roll on the beach. Middle Cove is one of my top five favourite places in the world. And I love this pic. It turned out really well with the sun's fading colours behind them.

We even brought Petite to Middle Cove to have some fun and run around, dabbling her toes and hands in the water there. She was up way past her bedtime, but it was fun. Here we are together.

While at home, my sis and I took the kids to get photos done. Here's one of the best. My nephew is about 3 months old while Petite is almost 2 years old in this one.

Voilà. Our trip home in a nutshell. Yes, we had family and friends coming and going all week. We had a get-together to celebrate my nephew's birth. Aunts flew down from New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. A cousin flew down the day I left. Another flew down two days before my sister left. We had relatives pop by to see the kids. A former co-worker of my mom's came for lunch one day too for the same thing! (It's ALL about the kids; I'm not delusional!) Auntie B bought a new house and a car (she's downsizing) and I'm told that she sold her own home this week. I missed seeing a couple of friends because of illness in the family and simply poor scheduling and commitments. Such is life.

But for all the insanity, it's still home to me. It always will be. And I miss it terribly.

I know this is more than the usual "This Moment" post. I hope that's okay. I just thought you might like to see how our holiday went.

This week, Petite's daycare is closed for vacation. So to accommodate, I'm working 7 a.m. to 2 p.m. (through lunch and everything) to get home in time for Hubby to go to work for his 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. shift. It makes for a long day. I'm really glad this is a long weekend; we can recuperate a little. But then again, LaGrande (my stepdaughter) goes back to school on Tuesday. We've got some shopping to take care of to ensure she's all ready. Wish me luck!

Oh yes! One more thing...

For those in the National Capital Region, I'm pretty sure that the recent ads I've heard on Hot 89.9, and the poster I saw while out walking two days ago, are indicative of the coming to fruition of an initiative that was discussed at the Conceivable Dreams gathering I attended earlier this year. Stay tuned for more info; I expect that "Labour Day" we may hear some more information. How apropos! :)

Scatterbrained -- seems to be par for the course!

This post is completely disjointed. I've made no attempts at being cohesive. It's just a bit of a mind dump. Bear with me... but you've definitely been forewarned.

This past weekend was a total blur. Hubby spent both Saturday and Sunday doing 12-hour shifts in a maternity ward (ironic huh?) for his clinicals this semester. He LOVED it. He came home last night, saying, "I've never felt more like a nurse before" and he reported that it was so very satisfying to get to bathe a newborn for the first time, teaching the parents how and why to bathe correctly, and to help a woman get her newborn to latch. He was on Cloud 9 last night. Exhausted, but definitely satisfied.

And while we were talking, I saw that look in his eyes. You know the one. The one that says, "I want to do that again... with our own baby." I can only hope that we get to once again. Time will tell. I hope that we get to do that again too.

Regardless, because he was away pretty much all weekend, because I had his kids all weekend, and because there was grocery shopping and laundry and running errands, and cooking, and all sorts of things to handle even with him away, I was run right off my feet. I'm so tired this morning, I could cry. I wonder can I hide in a corner somewhere and drift off to sleep?

Add to that the fun of strep throat. My friend's daughter was diagnosed with it last week. LaGrande went to the clinic yesterday and was diagnosed with it too. And if I know myself at all, and my own symptoms, I've got it as well, but I'm not yet taking anything nor have I seen a doctor. You see, I got the sore throat when coming off a cold a couple of weeks ago, so I thought it was just the remenants of that. Almost two full weeks later, and nope, the sore throat is still there and not going anywhere. My neck is swollen and sore, my ears seem a bit plugged (sounds are muffled a little) and I just ache. Turns out that if left untreated, strep can cause a whole host of other, much more serious problems. So I'm thinking I better go see a doc and get some antibiotics soon. As my mom said last night to me on the phone, "I don't want Petite to be motherless!" (Dramatic much Mom?!! Yikes.)

Congratulations to Kakunaa over at Spermination Station and her DH on the birth of their son! At just 35 weeks, her water broke and Phelan Shel was delivered via C-section last night. I'm so happy for them both! And OMG, I hope she'll soon get the cloth diapers I shipped to her; they'll need them!

Today is the first full day of spring; and we're getting snow. Yesterday was sunny, bright and gorgeous and today, grey and snow whipping around. A total of 10 cms are on the way and I'd really prefer to have yesterday's weather rather than this mess. Ugh.

We finally got the new (to us) car last Friday. It's a 2009 Mazda 3 GX with 56,000 kms on it, full bumper-to-bumper warranty until March 2014, and it's even been rustproofed. I love the Mazda line of vehicles. Seriously LOVE them. One of these days, I'll be a little old lady with white hair flying driving a Mazda coupe. Guaranteed.

For those following, we had a talk with LaGrande following her antics of Thursday night. Hubby finally got the call from Friend1's mom mid-morning on Friday. Nice huh? Honestly, when a frantic parent calls your home, at MIDNIGHT, wondering if their kid is there and okay, would you not fucking pick up the goddamn phone and bloody-well CALL THEM BACK??!! Would you want them to toss and turn all night long, wondering where their child is and if he/she is okay?? Or are you that fucking irresponsible and uncaring that you turn off the phone or ignore it, turn over and go back to sleep?!! Stupid woman. I have little respect for the incompetent and irresponsible.

End result: Because Hubby did get a call (and she was damned irritated to have to call at all by the tone of her voice he reported), LaGrande got a weekend's worth of no phone and being grounded. When we confronted her, she was sullen and sulky but she did not defend herself, scream, cry, shout, nothing. She was very quiet and sat there, biting her lip and inner cheek. Guilty much? Damn straight. Even Hubby's ex believes that Friend1's mom would have lied about LaGrande having been at their home. So yeah, we don't believe she was there last Thursday night. Now she's not allowed to go to Friend1's house at all. After all, who wants their kid in a home with irresponsible parents? And she must provide a list of names/numbers of her friends; she would only get her phone back when that list was in my hands.

Singing with the choir at the 67s game was fantastic! We all had a great evening. Unfortunately, although the game was nationally televised, the station cut to a commercial before the anthem started and when they came back from the break, we were walking off the ice AFTER having finished! Ugh. Oh well. I know it was videotaped by a few people. I hope to get my hands on a recording somewhere.

All last week, Petite was very clingy and cuddly. I am not quite sure why. Maybe she was a bit under the weather. Maybe the presence of more kids at daycare during March Break threw her off her routine. Maybe she just needed to know that Mommy and Daddy love her. I'm not sure. Whatever it was, it's sort of continuing into this week. I have to watch the time carefully when I leave the daycare because her clinginess and reluctance to leave me threatens to make me late for work. I guess it's bound to happen now and then though. Now if I can avoid passing the strep to her, that'd be great. Wish me luck!

Last but not least...
In the last couple of weeks, I've located two old friends. And I'm absolutely over the moon about that. One of them is a St-Pierraise who came to Newfoundland years ago to learn some English. There were two students who were there for a semester, one of whom I had kept in touch with, the other I'd lost touch with. This was in 1990-91... 21 years ago. She found me on Facebook through a mutual friend of ours. I couldn't find her because she changed her name when she married. Regardless, I'm really glad she found me again. I'd been wondering what she's been up to and whether she stayed in St-Pierre or had moved to France, as so many St-Pierrais do. (For those who may not know, there are two islands -- St-Pierre and Miquelon -- that belong to France but are situated off the south coast of Newfoundland, here in North America. I lived there for quite awhile during university and have lots of friends there. Beautiful place. I love it.)

The second friend I found was one of my first best friends. He and his family used to live directly across the street from our family. We were both born in 1970 and attended the same elementary school. We even carpooled to school together; his dad had an orange VW, a first generation Beetle in fact! Brr, but it was cold in the winter! Anyway, by the time I was 8 or 9, I had developed a huge crush on him but when we were 10, his parents separated and he and his father moved out west. I only saw him once after that; when we were 12 years old, they returned to Newfoundland to visit family and friends and stopped by the street to catch up. We were both so shy to meet up again, but I remember I was really excited to see him again. I haven't seen him since, but I frequently looked for him or asked mutual friends if perchance they knew where he was. I always thought about him, wondered what he studied, if he got married or had children of his own. I wondered where his mom and dad were, whether he was still out west, etc. Anyway, for about 10 or 15 years now, I've poked his name in search parameters or scoured stuff online to try to find him. Alas, nothing. But about a month ago, I came up with his father's obituary (a very sad way to locate people, I might add), and through it, I learned of his wife's name. I found her on Facebook, and when I clicked on her profile, there was a photo of both her and her husband in the sidebar. No mistaking it: that was my old friend. I recognized his eyes, his face, even his hair. I messaged his wife, indicated who I was and what I remembered of the friend I was looking for. She confirmed it. Yes, it was him and she would pass on my message. I thanked her and resigned myself to thinking that I could do no more. I had to be patient and hope. About two weeks later, she got back to me. Her husband had asked her to give me his e-mail address. So last Monday, I wrote him a note. I haven't heard from him yet, but I will continue to hope that I will. It would be amazing to find out how he's doing and what twists and turns his own life took. The power of social networking can be an amazing thing. It really is wonderful. I'm lucky to have found him. I continue to pray that he'll respond, when he's ready. That would be incredible.

And my own sister reaches 32 weeks in her pregnancy tomorrow. Assuming all continues to go well, eight more weeks til I get to welcome a nephew!

Signing off for now. Love to all in blogland!

Stupid choices and their consequences

(This post deals with an issue that we're currently having with Hubby's 16-year old daughter who is living at our house part-time. Skip it if you're interested in my blog for the infertility side of things.)

I'm pissed. Angry and pissed.

Petite's big (half-) sister has f*cked up royally and Hubby and I are trying to figure out what to do without totally overreacting.

Petite's half-sister, La Grande (as I will call her), has a part-time job, which is fantastic. She works a few shifts per week, sometimes after school during the week, but usually on the weekends. This week is March Break so she has no school, and last night she was working. She was due to get off work at 9 p.m. and one of us was going to pick her up.

Well, during the afternoon, she texted Hubby and asked if she could sleep at her friend's house: we'll call her Friend1. Fine. No problem. We're good with that.

But something was niggling at my brain.

Two days prior, she had asked for another girlfriend, Friend2, to sleep at our house. Long story short: La Grande and Friend2 are interested in each other sexually (both identify as bisexual... that's cool by us, and not up for discussion here) so of course, we nixed the idea. Having Friend2 sleep in the same bed as La Grande would be akin to us permitting her to invite a male friend to sleep over; it's no different. And we all know that's not a good idea. So we said "no."

However, we did indicate that she could invite Friend2 over for dinner and to spend the evening at our house, which she did. The girls also went to Friend2's house for a bit as well before La Grande came home for the night.

Anyway, last night, after work, La Grande was supposed to go to Friend1's house to sleep. At about 5 p.m., Hubby called Friend2's house, and left a message for the mother, asking that she verify if La Grande could indeed stay there.

No call was forthcoming.

By 9:30 last night, La Grande and Hubby were texting. La Grande was saying that "Yes, Friend2's mom is here, but she's gone out to get us Iced Capps," so we still hadn't verified with the parent that La Grande was permitted to stay.

An hour later, still nothing. Hubby called again, leaving yet another message. And then started calling La Grande on her cell phone.

No answer. La Grande refused to answer after HALF AN HOUR of calling her nonstop. Friend2's mother didn't call first nor last. La Grande didn't answer her texts. In short, we had no way of verifying her whereabouts and we were angry at her for having assumed we were going to be played.

Hubby called his ex-wife at almost midnight last night to discuss the issue and keep her abreast of what was happening. His ex even tried to reach La Grande by phone, text, and Blackberry Messenger. No answer on either count.

Hubby and I both believe that she was at Friend1's house. She couldn't have Friend1 at our home so we figured they decided to move the venue so that they could be together. Not cool. Not cool at all.

How to deal with this?

• Well, I'm figuring since she doesn't want to answer her phone, she ought not to have it for a week.
• Obviously, she will now have to provide a list of ALL her friends names, addresses, phone numbers, etc. I expect to know her friends and their parents as well as where to pick her up if she's at "so-and-so's" house.
• For the next week, she should not be permitted to go anywhere but school or work. And in my view, no sleeping anywhere or having sleepovers for a month.
• She's shown irresponsibility, she's illustrated immaturity, she's completely disrespected us and our family, and I am disappointed in her behaviour.
• If she cannot responsibly handle the freedoms that we accord her, we will no longer accord them; it's that simple.

Too much? I think not. But maybe I'm totally blowing this out of the water. The question now is, how to talk to her without completely blowing my stack. Hubby and I are both quite angry and upset. We didn't fall asleep until around 2 or 3 a.m. last night, waking at 5:30 for our day. I still don't know if Hubby or his wife have heard from her. And I'm thinking that a call to the police will soon be in order. 24 hours before they can call her 'missing' right? It makes me angry. What are your thoughts? How do you handle deception and lies from your teenage kids? I'm wading into this as a newbie so maybe your perspectives would help.