No Double Lines

In preparation for tomorrow's beta, I succumbed.

I did the POAS thing this morning at 9DPO. Just as I suspected, negative. Blank. White as a sheet. If those tests detect 25 IUs of HCG, there ain't no way anything is gonna show up tomorrow.

I suspected as much anyway this morning when my temp began to drop. So there you go. I highly doubt things will change so you can count me out for this month folks. I'm gonna head to a corner and hide away a little bit for a good cry. Back soon.

Chugging along, but great news for others!

My 100th post on this blog, and with it, many things to celebrate.

Much love to those wonderful people who have seen BFPs in the last week or so. Go peek at Dawn's details, Vee's very wonderful news, Still Trying's spectacular beta results (after their first try at dIUI!!!), and Kate's knocked-up info. That's FOUR of you ladies who have great news this month! Congratulations to everyone. Now, care to shoot some of that my way? Pretty please??

As for me... I'm on CD22 and 8 DPO and scheduled for a beta on CD23/24. I don't have any hope; I have absolutely NO symptoms other than a temp that continues to rise like I've never seen before. I suppose lots can happen between now and this weekend but I think we've seen all the BFPs that we're gonna see for now. I'll go for the test anyway though, however, I know darn well that by CD27 it'll be CD1 again.

And hubby dropped off a sample for another sperm analysis, but we aren't holding our breath there either. A vasectomy and a failed reversal virtually guarantees that no sperm will be present.

Life goes on...

DIUI #5; The Last IUI for Awhile

A very quick update for you folks; I'm sort of absent this week as I have two friends here from the States for a holiday and we're playing tourist & tour guide.

I had my appointment on Sunday morning for the insemination. Awaking at 5 to take my temp, I couldn't go back to sleep easily and around 5:30 a sharp JAB in my abdomen. Ouch, what the heck was that?

So by 8 a.m. we're at the doc's office and he's wanding me (yet again!) and he sees oodles of free fluid, in the "classic" triangular shape so he figured I had ovulated very recently. I told him of the pain at 5:30 and he said that that was probably ovulation pain.

With so much free fluid, he was laughing trying to see well enough on the monitor; apparently all that fluid had pushed my uterus aside and getting a good look was more difficult than usual. But the result was, all three follicles were gone on the left side and the right ones were kinda hanging out as they had been before.

He did the IUI and as I said, we opted to use the whole vial. He gave me a prescription for 200 mg of progesterone daily (for 14 days) AND he gave me a requisition for a beta on 11/12 DPO (which will be next Tuesday or Wednesday).

Now we just hope. And lots of it.

Hubby's also made the appointment for the semen analysis; though I fail to see why we would bother with a vasectomy and failed reversal in the history. Oh well. We'll just get it over with and move on.

I guess that is the theme for this month anyway... get it over with and move on to something that will give us hope.

Mature Follicles Coming Through!

This morning's wanding revealed NINE follicles.

Okay, okay, nothing to get excited about though. Only three of them have made it to 1.8cm or larger (i.e., mature follicles). And all three of those suckers are on my left side. There's a fourth one on the left side that's a bit smaller (1.67) and on the right, five of em that are partying, although the party is dying out. They're not going to live up to the task, unfortunately. But three ain't bad. The endometrium is over 1 cm and that's fantastic.

So, with that, I got my HCG injection this morning (ouch!) and I go back tomorrow to use the ENTIRE vial. That's right. No splitting it this month. One time and one time only. This is the last kick at the can and I'm not willing to risk losing any of that sample in the thaw, refreeze, thaw process. So we go tomorrow to use the whole shebang.

We're getting to that IVF package as well. Hubby made his appointment for the semen analysis and I'll wait til next month to get that bloodwork done when I have no meds in my system. I expect a 2-3 month wait before we can get an appointment, so no rush I guess.

And after a few weeks of some stress, hubby and I had a shouting match... err... long discussion last night about a few things. Turns out he was really worried about our future because he thought that at the end of all of this, if we aren't successful, he was afraid that I would leave him. My heart broke. When he said those words, I must have looked so shocked. I had no idea that he was even contemplating that possibility or internalizing that. Because frankly, it never even entered my mind. This is my husband, the wonderful man that I fell in love with seven years ago, and when I said, "I do," I damn well meant I DO. I am NOT going anywhere; he's stuck with me now whether he likes it or not. :)

Eight follicles. Wow, not bad.

The statistics today (for those who are checking, and for my own reference)

Left: 3 follicles (1.1 to 1.5 cm)
Right: 5 follicles (0.9 to 1.3 cm)
Endometrium: 8.8 mm

Next appointment is on Saturday morning (CD 13) at 8:00. This try is our very last before we move to IVF.

And, my RE also gave me the package that hubby and I need to work on for McGill in MTL. Funny... they want a semen analysis; that's what got us into this in the first place. Hubby had a vasectomy and the reversal failed. Semen analysis? Yeah, um, *eyeroll* try none? I understand that they need to do their own workup, but this is sorta like kicking me when I'm down, yanno? *sighs*

There's a bunch of bloodwork in there that we have to undergo as well (including thyroid antibodies Aurelia!), HIV tests, hormone levels, etc. And we're told that we will need to book an appointment to attend a 1.5 hour class on IVF and the protocol. I've never done IVF before, but something tells me that I know more about it than the average Joe or Jane.

If this is what we have to do, so be it.

Referrals

For the past two days, I've given myself my Pure.gon injections. Imagine that, me, shoot.ing up drugs with a freakin' NEEDLE? Yeah, um... never ever thought I'd see that.

I stopped at the RE's office on Monday afternoon to pay for the prescriptions and to run the replacement vial of Pure.gon from the Pharmacy (on the first floor) up to the RE's office (on the third floor), seeing as I was there and had a minute to do that for them.

In the RE's office, I spoke with his assistant; she was preparing to write our referrals for IVF. She said, "Do you want only a referral for Montreal or one for Ottawa as well?" I didn't even know they would do that but I replied, "You know, I wouldn't say no to having both if that's possible." She said, "Yes, of course. I'll do those for you later today." So the good news is, we get referrals to both places. Which one we go with... that all depends. Cost dictates Montreal (with three tries at IVF for under 10K in a 'package deal' as cumulatively, three attempts are about all they would try and if we were to get a BFP, it would likely occur in three tries), yet location dictates Ottawa as, obviously, that is where we live. We'll see. We don't have to make any choices yet, but we do need to get the ball rolling.

Now, to save a few more pennies for all this.

Sending love to...

Dawn over at Nearlydawn... Nearlypregnant... Nearlyoutofsteam, because she had to have one of her furbabies, Cocoa, put down. Cocoa and his littermate Humphries have been family members for her for a long time and I grieve with her, having gone that route before and I know I will have to again for my cats, who are also littermates. God Bless Cocoa. Now you can rest.

And to celebration for Vee (and Max) over at The Sweet Life. Vee's lil' Crumpet gave her a positive beta and while I know she may be hesitant, having gone down this road before with Bubble, I continue to have faith and hope for her. Go over there and give her some good wishes too!

The Great Cake Day

Today is Mel's Great Cake Day. In honour of today, I thought I'd post a pic of a special cake, our wedding cake. Unfortunately, hubby and I are in the pic though. Sorry to ruin a good pic of a cake. But here you go.



We still have a great deal of this cake frozen in our freezer. There's a tradition that we have (huh, funny how our traditions seem to refer to food all the time; see Pancake Day Traditions for another one) that requires you to keep a portion of your wedding cake to eat on your first wedding anniversary. I've also heard that you eat a portion of it when you have your firstborn's christening. Let's just say I'm not holding my breath to fulfill THAT one.

This cake was baked by my Aunt L after many trial and error attempts. The thickness had to be just right. The circumference had to be perfect. And I knew she would do it wonderfully. It is my favourite cake and when I introduced hubby to it, he agreed, hands down, that it would be our wedding cake. (Well, one of two. Long story!) In case you'd like to bake this cake yourselves, here is the recipe. It's usually a hit when I bring it to office events and the like.
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Apricot and Raisin Cake

First, prepare the fruit mixture…
INGREDIENTS
2 cups of water
¼ cup sugar
½ cup raisins
½ cup dried apricots (snipped into tiny pieces)

METHOD
1. Bring these ingredients to a boil.
2. Reduce heat and cover.
3. Simmer 15 to 20 mins.
4. Drain and let cool.

Then prepare the cake batter…
INGREDIENTS
1 cup butter (softened)
8 oz. package of cream cheese
1¼ cups white sugar
4 eggs
1½ tsp. white vanilla
2¼ cups flour
1½ tsp. baking powder

METHOD
1. Cream butter and cream cheese well.
2. Gradually add sugar and continue to beat well. (Batter should be almost white and light.)
3. Add eggs one at a time and continue beating.
4. Add vanilla.
5. Add flour and baking powder.
6. Stir in fruit mixture.
7. Turn batter into a greased tube pan for baking.

Bake at 300° (F) for 65 to 70 mins.
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Anyway, when hubby and I were married in August 2004, we had many hopes and dreams. As we cut this cake, we believed in ourselves, our love and our future. We believed that the whole TTC thing would work out. Well, it hasn't. Today, I feel hurt, jaded, angry, doubtful and frustrated. I have no hope whatsoever that this cycle will work. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada. I may as well go buy myself a bottle of Captain Morgan now.

For those of you wondering, I did ask my RE to do a reference for us to MTL. We chose MTL for a few reasons: proximity, cost, and affiliation with our RE's office. (No, our RE doesn't do IVF or ICSI. He's just one man in one office doing the best he can for most folks who only need IUIs.) We'll see where it goes. If in the future, Ontario decides to foot the bill for IVF, then we can look at coming back to Ontario. Until then, for cost-efficiency, MTL is the place we'll go.

This morning, we saw 5-6 little follicles on the screen, one dominant at over 7mm. The others ranging from 4-6mm. And the endometrium is thin (as I would expect on CD8). He gave me a shot of Pure.gon and I have an appointment on Thursday. This is our last kick at the can before pulling out the big guns. I need all the luck, wishes and prayers I can get. I really want to be able to have a piece of our wedding cake on the day of our child's christening.

Tomorrow is CD8... not the rollercoaster again!

I have always said, "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets." (It is better to live with remorse for what you have done than to live with regret for what you have not.)

So I'm going to see my RE tomorrow and ask to be tested for a variety of things (thyroid antibodies included). I am going to ask to TRY the 0.25 mg of thyroid meds, to see if it makes any difference at all. We may not cycle this month because of it all, but dammit, I have to TRY. I cannot continue to do the same thing, month after month, and expect a different result. Humans are supposed to learn from their mistakes.

I am going to ask for a referral to MTL. I am going to express my concerns (and level of stress) at the moment and I NEED someone to listen.

For today, I have a new light fixture to install in our bathroom and a pile of laundry to do. Oh yeah, and some baddies to kill in my MMORPG. That'll relieve some stress. *nods* Definitely.

Commentathon is done... my total is 59 for the week. My goal had been 50. Not bad. And it was a lot of fun. I added a few more blogs to my sidebar and got to find a bunch of new IF blogs that I hadn't seen before. Well done gang! Gratz to everyone!

My GP's Viewpoint

I saw my GP yesterday and she dealt with a couple of non-IF related issues I have at the moment, which is nice. At least those are out of the way. She and I discussed some aspects of the bloodwork I'd had done in March, and she looked at the various levels and normal ranges. She can't speak to DHEAS or prolactin, but she did talk to me extensively about hypothyroidism.

She, like me, recognizes that I am in the normal range for T4, T3 and TSH. However, she also sees that I am in the low end of "normal." What one scale considers normal, another may not. She called my case "borderline." But, she looked at the rest of my normal results and knowing that I wasn't on any medications when those tests were done, she's very hesitant to mess with my metabolism.

As she said, if (and that's a big "if") she were to put me on any meds just to see if they make a difference, it would only be 0.25 mg of thyroid medication and then I'd have to be monitored ultra super carefully. She is afraid that even that level of medication may do damage quickly and she's not willing to risk that right now.

She also recognizes that I am nearing the end of my rope so to speak. Like I told her, the first time we explored reversal surgery for hubby was four years ago. For four years, we've been dealing with all of this. Does that make me a veteran? I've no idea. Not really I guess, because we haven't pulled out the big guns yet. IVF. Yanno, the BIG guns. She recommended we consider it if it is in our realm of possible options.

We're on the verge of looking more seriously at IVF (with TESE) actually. Hubby and I spoke about it for a little bit yesterday evening. When I see my doc on Monday, I'm going to ask for a referral to at least get started with the whole consultation, requirements, and financial stuff. If I don't explore IVF, I'll kick myself for many, many years to come. I know I will.

Who knows, we may not need to go that route, but if history is any indicator, we'd best be prepared.

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In other news... my boss had her baby. A second girl, Kate, born two days ago at 9 lbs. 7 oz. God bless. What a lucky lady. I wish...

And I've been slack for commentathon. I'll get to a few comments later tonight, I promise. Much love to you all.

DIUI #5 on the Horizon? Time will tell...

CD3 and back on the Clomid we go; I start tonight and I have an appointment on Monday for a wanding. I have HUGE reservations about this because as I indicated yesterday, I have a few questions that I want to discuss with my RE. Just niggling doubts that his answers don't seem to have satisfied.

As for where we'd go in MTL, it would likely be McGill as our RE is affiliated with them and he can do much of the preliminary work here in Ottawa before we make trips aplenty over the provincial border. The cost there is a little easier to handle at approximately three attempts at IVF for $10,000. Mind you, if we do the TESE to surgically extract and use hubby's sperm (rather than our current donor), that will add costs. And if we require ICSI that will add costs. And if we use all of our current donor vials on IUIs then we'll need to order another vial ($500 each) for IVF in case they don't find any viable sperm with the TESE.

It amazes me that Canada has so much medical coverage and insurance, yet as soon as you enter the realm of IUI and IVF, nothing is covered except medications. And even then, usually you have to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed. For all of you American women who have coverage for IVF and IUIs, count your lucky stars. There isn't a workplace in Canada that I know of that covers a dime of it. Pam, I might take you up on getting the details for the insurance agency that covers these types of medical procedures. Something tells me we're going to need it. *sighs*

For Wednesday's Commentathon: 11 comments = 11 points total