Friday, February 24, 2012

{This Moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual inspired by FindingChaos/Soulemama.
A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment'
in the comments for all to find and see.

This is late, but better late than never.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Sometimes Prayers Aren't Enough

This month has been heartbreaking for the IF blogosphere. And the hits just keep on coming. I am absolutely gutted by what I read this morning.

As I posted yesterday, Mo's water broke at 23 weeks. She was induced. Unfortunately, Mo lost their beautiful baby boy, Nadav, a long-awaited treasure and miracle.

This community has come together in an outpouring of grief and sadness, as we always do. For although we have never met in person, we are in this together. As Jjiraffe describes us:

The truth is, we are all friends. Real friends, not just “Internet friends.” Even though in most cases we have never met face-to-face, it’s like we are in the same sorority or dorm floor in college. Separated from friends and families, we share our histories (about ALI, instead of the douchey guys my friends and I used to obsess over at University), we listen to each other’s stories, we laugh. And when one of us is hurt, we cry.

So today, we come together to shed tears in the hopes of taking Mo's grief and lessening it by sharing it among all of us.

As I posted on Mo's blog, Nadav, please know how very much you are loved and you will be missed forever.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Prayers for a Fellow Blogger

I'm praying hard for Mommy Odyssey right now.

Her water broke yesterday at about the 23 week mark; viability comes into play as we all know too well. Go let her know you are thinking of her.

Please God let it work out for her, Shmaby and Shmerson.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Tomorrow is Pancake Day!

Pancake Day is tomorrow. I cannot wait!

It's the Tuesday before the beginning of Lent in the Christian calendar, and while people give up many things for Lent, many would have pancakes the day before Ash Wednesday in order to use up things like butter, eggs and sugar before those things were banned from their diet for Lent. For those who may be interested, Pancake Day is Shrove Tuesday in the calendar, and it is also known as Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday).

In the tradition of my home province (and nowhere else apparently!), I'll be doing pancakes and putting the variety of trinkets inside them for us to find. Hubby is working, but I invited my girlfriend K and her daughter K to join Petite and me for our Pancake Day Tradition.

So I'll do up a batter from scratch, and while the pancakes are on the stove, I'll put in the money, a ring, maybe a thimble, a button and maybe a bit of string. We'll see.

I usually leave out the more morbid and dangerous items, like the nail or a sewing needle. Traditionally, the pancakes in days of yore would have
-- a penny, to symbolize poverty
-- a nickel, to symbolize wealth
-- a string, to symbolize a fisherman (if a boy got the string, he would be a fisherman, if a girl did, she would marry one)
-- a wedding ring, to symbolize that you would marry soon
-- a button, to symbolize that you would never marry
-- a nail or a sewing needle to symbolize that you would soon pass away
-- a thimble, to symbolize that you would be a seamstress (a girl) or a tailor (a boy)

I'm really looking forward to my pancakes tomorrow night. YUM! If you're having pancakes, tell me. I'd love to know who else eats pancakes on Pancake Day.

What I'm not looking forward to is having my blood drawn.

Today is CD1 and after a consultation last week at the Ottawa Fertility Centre, I'm having baseline blood work done and a baseline ultrasound done to check antral follicle count. I'm not sure yet how I feel about this; time will tell and we'll figure out if we move forward or not. For the moment, we're just checking the data and info and we'll see where that leads us.

So why the hell am I so nervous?!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Ordinary Magic

On the subject of Love, I have to say, I truly do love Decemberbaby's description:

"Sometimes I wonder about other people’s criteria in choosing a partner for life. I may well be wrong, but I feel like popular culture puts an emphasis on romantic love – being swept off your feet by someone – and sexual attraction. It would be a shame if people bought into that ideal, because it’s just not sustainable 24/7. No matter how attracted and wildly in love you are, one morning you’ll wake up to a partner with morning breath who forgot to put the garbage out, and you won’t be feeling the love in that moment."

Her comments made me smile. Right now, as I type, I know so many people (some teens, some adults, some who are sort of in limbo between the two, and may never fall on one side or the other!) who hold their breath, waiting for the PERFECT person. The one who sweeps you off your feet. The one with money. The most handsome. The one who sets your heart on fire. The one who makes you feel like you're soaring above the clouds. Like you're invincible. Like the world is amazing and nothing can go wrong.

I worry for those people. Because those are the people who will be disappointed. And if I love them, I know I will witness their disappointment. Those are the unhappy people. Those are the ones who will wander through life, wondering where their vision of perfect might be. Where they can find their happy, magical world. Those people will never get what they hope for, because honestly...

... it doesn't exist.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but there it is. They're living in a dream world. A fantasy. A sweet notion of fairy tales, sparkling lights, romance and fluff. Dear heavens. *rolls eyes* How to explain to them that it doesn't exist? That what they have in their heads is not sustainable? Not possible in the long term? Not feasible at all?!

Here it is: If you look at life always expecting the best, the most incredible experiences, the perfect partner, your days to be thrilling and joyous and full of light and smiles, and you expect that feeling of euphoria to last, you are sadly, terribly mistaken.

Life simply isn't like that.

Yes, there are moments. Days. Maybe entire weeks if you are really lucky, of ultimate joy and feeling like the world is magical. I won't deny that. For example:
The moment he tells you "I love you" for the first time.
The moment he proposes. And the feeling of that ring on your finger for the first little while.
The day you get flowers from a special someone.
A quiet romantic interlude, complete with whatever is your personal fantasy. (RAWR!)
Taking a spontaneous trip with your partner, away from responsibilities, jobs, stress, etc.
Making time to snuggle by a warm fire, glass of wine in hand. (Okay, I've rarely done this but when I have, it's fun. For sure.)
The precise moment you say, "I do," and you feel like you're walking on air; happiness infuses everything around you.
For us IFers, we know that when when we hear those magic words, "You're pregnant," the world will spin on its axis and stars will align, angels will shout the highest of glories. (Yes, all these things DO happen. I can vouch for it.)

So many beautiful moments occur during a lifetime. But you have to remember that in between all these moments are... well... other not so beautiful moments. Other life moments that -- while aren't as magical or romantic, or amazing -- are still moments. And they are YOUR moments. No one else has what you have. Each moment is yours to cherish and experience. For these ordinary moments make you who you are! You see, if you keep going through these regular, ordinary moments, you keep living them, you eventually get to the next MAGICAL moment that you really love and will remember forever.

And to me, that is what's special. Sure, there's the crap. The hell. The days you wish never happened. We all have them. We all wish we could have a 'do-over' for some days or moments. Such is life, and it goes on.

But the trick is to keep moving forward and keep watching for those magical moments. They're all around. And if you are truly lucky, the ordinary moments become the magical ones.

Like yesterday, when my daughter wrapped her arms tightly around my neck and said, "I love you mostest ever Mommy."

That my friends... now THAT is magical.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day? Bah, humbug.

All right, let me get this out of the way, right off the bat.

Valentine's Day sucks.

Seriously. I'm not even joking.


Now don't misunderstand; I'm all for romance, love, flowers and happy endings. And OMG hell to the yes for chocolate! (Hubby would say that twice! He's a huge chocoholic.) All that stuff is great! Definitely.

I'm not even talking about the commercialization of romance. WTF is that??!! A "day" specifically to tell someone that you love him/her?!! Buying cards and flowers at a 400% markup just because retailers can get away with it? Nuh uh. No thank you. I'll pass. Freakin' nuts if you ask me. (Psst guys: save your money and surprise her with something she really wants on no special day at all!)

But more than that, Valentine's Day for us, holds a miserable track record. Dear mother of God, and I do mean MISERABLE.

There was the year that we planned a candlelit dinner... and started talking shortly after dinner started to end up in a disagreement that was pretty huge. We blew out the candles and stalked away from the dinner table to different areas of the house, angry at each other. Not a good Valentine's Day, that's for sure.

Or the year that Hubby hoped to take me out for dinner somewhere, only to realize that "Oh crap, you mean I had to book two months ago for tonight?" sorta deal was going on. So much for that.

Or the year that we decided to do nothing... and then later in the evening promptly changed our minds but it was really too late to make a romantic evening out of it.

Our track record for Valentine's Day just sucks. BAD. So we don't do it. It turns out terribly if we even attempt to try. Not good.

This yearis really no different. Today, Hubby is working until 9 p.m.. Petite will be asleep by the time he gets home at 10. I will only be awake for an hour or so after he gets home. We can't have a meal together; we barely cross paths during the week! And lo and behold, we started off the day this morning with an argument. Nothing serious, but meh... more Valentine's Day crap. I just want to forget the day exists altogether! It's so not worth it! Totally overrated in my view.

But, now we have Petite, and she's in daycare. I can't have her going to daycare with nothing for all the other little kids. I did the dutiful thing and sent her with little gifts for everyone, complete with chocolate hearts. And we bought Hubby's kids, and K & K (my friend and her daughter) boxes of chocolates. Whether they liked them, or wanted them, I'm not even certain. I didn't hear much about them afterwards. (Teenagers! HOLY w;aua;97*@(@@Apwaowpq00+@1!!! *tears out hair* I could scream.)

Anyway, all that aside, I did one other thing: I sent Hubby an e-card. That may be as good as it gets.

Yanno... unless I can get discount chocolates on my way home from work. :)

One VERY good thing did happen to me today; my Japanese ex just joined Facebook and sent me a friend request! He and I keep in touch and it's wonderful that we have technology to let us communicate so much easier! YAY! *does the happy dance* I haven't seen him since I left Japan in 1996 but it's amazing that he and I can continue to keep in touch.

Oh, and bonus points if you know what next Tuesday, February 21 is?! Come on! I bet you can guess!!!

Thursday, February 09, 2012

Sarah's Story

Over at Too Many Fish to Fry, Jjiraffe is on a mission.

Infertility is a terrible disease. It is one that is often nameless. Faceless. The names are unknown. The faces are featureless. It becomes a mere entity. Something to deal with. Infertility is a disease that so many people cannot understand or relate to, and that does not work in our favour.

Jjiraffe is working to change that. She is writing a series about the Faces of Adoption/Loss/Infertility. In America, 1 couple in 8 is infertile. Here in Canada, the statistics are more drastic: 1 in 6.

In January, Jjiraffe wrote about Courtney. Just the other day, she added a new story; I ask that you take a moment to click over and read about Sarah in Three Acts. Sarah's journey is a wonderful account of the reality of adoption, and why there is no such thing as "just adopt" for those who are dealing with infertility. It's a moving story and I was wiping away the tears by the time I had finished.

Spread the word. Infertility does not have to be nameless or faceless any longer.