Monday, June 27, 2011

Three Strikes, You're Out

I haven't posted much for a number of reasons. Some of which I'll get into here. Some of which I don't know how to get into.

I know I need to do a book review and giveaway; that really ought to be my next post. I've been tied up with family stuff lately and that's meant that the book review was put on the backburner. My apologies.

I'm frustrated at circumstances. And I don't know how to fix the problems that seem to be coming at me from every side right now. I don't know if they can be fixed. I'd usually write about that somewhere, like... oh... this blog. But for these issues, this is not the place. Too many of my friends and family read this (as it is an infertility blog after all, and heavens knows, we are still infertile.) But I need to get out the frustration somewhere and for me, writing is a really good way to do that However, as I tell my stepdaughter, "If you write something on the Internet, you need to imagine that it's on a 50 ft billboard in the middle of your school parking lot." And it's there for a LONG time to come. Like, forever. So no, this isn't the place to do it.

I'm angry most days. I'm trying not to be, but it's hard right now. I'm not angry at Petite. No, heavens no. That's not it at all. But I am angry. And I don't want my sweet little girl to think that her mommy is angry at her or angry all the time. That isn't fair. It's GOT to change. I'm trying to make it change... with a little help.

A few months ago, our van broke down. We had to find another vehicle and we did, although we thought (at the time) that it would just be temporary so we got something to 'make do' for a year or two. Looks like it'll be with us for a lot longer than that. *sigh*

Then the dishwasher broke down... three months out of warrantry. Nice. A service call from the large appliance repair section of an international retailer would cost over $100... and that's not even to FIX anything. We opted to wash dishes by hand, and consult with a local appliance repair company. They came, and for $60 told us that our one-year old dishwasher needs a new motor. Good Lord... you're kidding right?

Then, this past weekend, our dryer finally gave up the ghost. It's been sounding off for awhile now; I suspected the drive belt was seizing or was too brittle or something. Nope. It ain't the drive belt. Looks like it's the motor. *sigh* Now, as I posted on Facebook, I can make do with no dishwasher and do dishes by hand indefinitely. However, a clothes dryer is more crucial in Canada, given our weather. I called that ol' reliable international retailer's service department; guess what? To have a service or repair call for TWO appliances you need to pay TWO charges! How lovely. So even to come for an hour to diagnose the problem, if you have two appliances to repair, you'll pay them for two hours... or about $240. Mind you, the repair guy would have been at the house anyway for one appliance but apparently that doesn't apply. And then the phone call with this company was, ahem, conveniently disconnected. Nice. (I'm sure you can hear the sarcasm.)

Needless to say, I'm looking for a general handyman or electrician who can do some work on appliances. Ugh.

So that's the car, the dishwasher and the dryer. Bad things happen in threes right? Please universe, dear Lord, tell me that I'm done.

I've gotta be done.

NOTE: My apologies for not posting a photo last Friday; Petite's daycare was closed for the day so I was on Mommy duty all day long and didn't find much time.

**Edited to add: I grinned for a moment at Reproductive Jeans' Random Fact Friday for last week. She mentions carladderphobia. I have a bit of that. I also have RVbikerackphobia. Here's an example:

That stems from an incident in Montreal one time when an RV in the lane next to us on the highway lost three bikes off the back-mounted rack and they scattered all over the road. God knows the damage it did to the chassis of the vehicles next to and behind us; I called 911 to report it ASAP but it was too late. I don't know if anyone was injured but I do know it scared the life out of me to watch those bikes fall and wreak total havoc. Not fun.

Friday, June 17, 2011

{This Moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’
in the comments for all to find and see.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

My Nephew's Arrival!

I never did tell you that my sister had her baby boy, did I?

Well, the long and the short of it is, she had the baby at about 10:25 a.m. on Tuesday, May 31. He was 8 lbs even (so much for the 10 lb ultrasound estimate more than a month prior to that!) and he measured a very long 22 inches. He's got huge hands and feet, deep set eyes, a shock of dark hair and he's so darn cute!

I found out about his arrival on my way out to Alberta. I was in transit in Toronto airport and had just exited a family washroom after changing Petite's diaper and taking a moment myself to use the bathroom... and I got the call.

I knew that my sister was in surgery; she had a c-section in the end. My nephew was far too comfortable in there and being two weeks late, they decided that it was time to serve him with an eviction notice. So they admitted my sister on the evening of May 29 and started cervadil to try to ripen/soften the cervix.

The next morning, they found that the cervadil had helped her dilate to 4 cms. However, that was just the exterior of the cervix. Higher up... a mere 1/2 centimetre. Bah! They tried more cervadil through the day on Monday, May 30. By Monday evening and overnight, it helped move the cervix along; she was at 4 cms. But still no voluntary contractions. Nothing. She walked. She went round and round, trying to get things moving, with no luck.

So they next tried Pitocin. Well, shortly after they gave that a shot, the baby's heart rate dropped significantly. And we know that's not a good thing. They eased up on it and his heart rate bounced right back. By this time, it was overnight Monday, getting into Tuesday. Tuesday morning, they tried Pitocin again. Same result: his heart rate dropped and they pulled back on that plan. Enough was enough, they just wanted him safe and sound. So it was determined at that point that a c-section would be best and she was prepped. I found that out around 10:15 a.m. on Tuesday morning, and by 10:35, I had the phone call that my little nephew had arrived!

My sister is healing (she had a bit of an infection in the incision to deal with), but of course, it isn't the way she hoped any of this would happen. I am sure she's grieving in her own way. I just want her to know that she did the absolute best thing she could for her baby, and it's okay to be sad that she didn't get the birth experience that she hoped for. There are a lot of women out there who have had to change tactics at the last moment to ensure safe delivery of their baby. But they too did the right thing with the information they had at the time. And it's all right to be sad about it. The important thing is to focus on the new life you have in your arms and cherish what you DO have.

God knows, so many of us would do just about anything to have ANY sort of birth experience at all...

To my sis, if you're reading: I love you and you did GREAT. You did the right thing for your baby and thus, you're already a fantastic mom. I cannot wait to see you and my little nephew this summer. Kisses to all of you. Wish I could be there right now.

My mom is there and enjoying her newest grandchild, and her only grandson. Mom tells me about how different Petite is from my nephew. He is quiet and sleepy, very content and barely makes a murmur. For example: I called yesterday. Mom answered. She said both my sis and my BIL were out, but she was watching the baby. I said, "Oh, okay, I'll let you go." Mom replied, "It's okay. He's asleep in my arms." My eyes grew wide. I could hear the TV in the background. I knew the phone had rung. Huh?? He was ASLEEP through that?? Wild. What a concept! When the phone rang in our house, Petite would be wide awake and screeching her lungs out! And the notion of sitting quietly in your arms? Ha! Never happened with my little girl! God knows.

But I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world, nor would I change one thing about her personality. She's loving, caring, sweet, inquisitive, friendly, happy and outgoing. And I'm lucky to be her Mommy.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Repost: Epic Grandma Fail

I saw this awhile back and wanted to repost it because I thought it so a propos for the infertility community. I saw that Mo posted today and this resounds yet again as she and Will struggle with their choices.

FYI: I have other topics to post on, and a book to review (and two copies to give away) and I promise I'll get to that in the coming couple of days. I haven't forgotten!

Epic Grandma Fail (and no, this didn't generate from anyone that I know!)

My grandma sent me an email today with the subject line “U R AN AWESOME MOM”. (Curiously, she skipped sending this to one of her own daughters or to any of her grandchildren who actually ARE mothers.)

The text:

Awesome Mom

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn’t worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn’t stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn’t know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body.
I didn’t know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’t know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn’t know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom

Send this to someone who you think is an awesome Mom.

I got indignant and composed a reply. I didn’t send it, because, well, wouldn’t that just positively ruin the Easter festivities? But I did want to share it with someone, so here goes:

Grieving Not-a-Mom

Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I never cried when people I loved announced their pregnancies
or complained about their kids.
I didn’t worry whether or not
I’d ever have children.
I never thought about the possibility that I might only ever be a mother to dead children.

Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I thought pregnancy equaled a baby.
Late nights.
I thought I had complete control of my emotions
and my reproductive future.
I slept peacefully.

Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I never had the skin on my arm fall off
because of a RhoGAM shot.
Or not cared about that
because what does my discomfort matter
when my body failed my baby?
I never sat up late hours at night
crying hysterically.

Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I never spent all night reading medical journals
hoping there was something I could do to prevent it happening again.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I got a particularly insensitive email.
I never knew that something as small as an embryo’s passing
could hurt so dreadfully.
I never knew that I could cry so hard for so long.
I never knew I could hurt this much without breaking.

Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I didn’t know that the “birth” dates and due dates of my kids
would be occasions for sorrow.
I didn’t know what a miracle
human reproduction really is.
I didn’t know that it’s so easy
to say you cried yourself to sleep, and
I didn’t know that it’s so hard
to actually do.

Before I had multiple miscarriages,
I had never sobbed upon seeing my own positive pregnancy test
out of fear of losing another child.
I had never known the sting,
the sorrow,
the misery,
the mourning,
the despair,
or the depression of not being a Mom.
I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so bitter
before I lost my babies.

Don’t send this to anybody. Nobody should have to experience this.

Friday, June 10, 2011

{This Moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’
in the comments for all to find and see.

Petite's first time as a flower girl.
June 4, 2011; Alberta, Canada