Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Counting Down Days

(NOTE: children and p/g mentioned)

As I sit in limbo 'til December and our scheduled IVF, it seems I am always waiting for something. Right now, I'm on the verge of expecting dear 'ol AF, whom, as I have described before, is more of a haggard old, smelly, disheveled hag of a wench rather than the fun loving girlish woman of days-gone-by. So as I wait for AF, I plot out on my calendar the other things I am waiting for.

There are 20 days until hubby and I go to Montreal to sign off the consent forms for his aspiration and any other procedures that the urologist expects. In the meantime, I need to get that last vial of donor sperm shipped up to Montreal in case hubby's aspiration doesn't yield any viable sperm for our IVF.

We are 24 days away from heading down to Virginia to help MH look for a home for him and his family. Hubby and I will go there for the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and have a bit of a change of scenery for the long weekend.

And then we have 48 days from today that we get to hop on a jet plane with my stepchildren and head for approximately two weeks of fun in the Florida sunshine. My stepkids haven't ever been to Florida so this will be an experience for them. At their ages (12, and one of them will turn 14 while we are in FLA) I expect it'll be lots of fun. We're already talking about the things we're going to do and how much time we'll spend at Disney and all that good stuff.

I could count down the days til the Canadian election... but oh dear God, do I have to? It's all bad enough that with a minority government we have to have these silly things more frequently than once every four years, but ugh. I have to say though, never in my wildest dreams would I ever vote for the sheister that is the current PM. *shudders* He's creepy. Make that "Creepy," with a capital "C". Yes, I do know who I am voting for, but I won't publicise that; that's for me to know. Suffice it to say, I respect everyone's choice to form their own opinions and as long as you VOTE, that is all I care about. We live in a great country, and we are honoured with the right to vote and the principle of democracy. People fought and died for you and me to have that right. So please vote on October 14. I urge you all to get out there and exercise that civic duty.

I had a follow up doctor's appointment this morning regarding the bloodwork that was drawn a few weeks ago. Good news! My TSH is 1.74!! I'm thrilled! As I told the doctor, the blue fingernails rarely happen now, I'm not as cold as I often was, I rarely get as run down as I used to be and I feel like my energy levels and mood are pretty much evened out. (As a note, the T4 Free is 13.4 and the Free T3 is 4.6... very stable.) So the thyroid stuff seems to be regulated and I am thrilled. This might help us have a real shot in December.

Hugs and kisses and best wishes to...
And last but not least, to my RL friends... M and M (about whom I have written in the past for their own struggles in IF), I am glad that I can finally SAY something, cause I've known for months now!! After a few good attempts with dIUI because of Klinefelter's syndrome, they finally got lucky. Last I heard, M's due date was set for February 15, 2009. It's true, I shed a few tears when I heard the news, but when I was done with the pity party, I tossed it out. Honestly, I have to say that I am nothing but thrilled for them both. And I thank M for the utmost sensitivity and caring nature with which she told me the joyous news. Love to them both as they travel this new path. Congratulations!

Have a great week guys. Updates later... when there's news to tell, I'll be telling it.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Losing My Way

I could really relate to Square Peg's question a couple of posts back. She asked "Do you ever feel like you're the last one?" Like you are the only one, who after years of TTC is still without success? You haven't had the "oops!" pregnancy, and you haven't struck gold with IVF twins, or found a little one to adopt? Yeah. That is how I feel these days, like I am the only one left. I know I'm not of course. I know that there are more of us out there. Logically, I know these things. But some days, it gets overwhelming and I think I can't go on any more. There are days, most days actually, when I wonder if I'm putting myself through all of this ache and grief for anything at all. Because in the end, I know darn well this saga will not end with my getting lucky and having a child. I am just going through the motions. I expect nothing from this and I truly do believe that when all is said and done, and our money paid, that my arms will still be empty. I feel like I'm just putting in the necessary time to get to that point, and maybe then I can move on. To what, I'm not sure yet. But at least it would be moving on.

Last week, I had yet another roadblock thrown in my way. Let's face it, this journey is full of them. Some are small, some are large. Some are insurmountable, or that is the way they seem. Sometimes all of the small ones add up and look insurmountable. That is how I feel right now. That there are hundreds of roadblocks and either I have to climb over them, go around them, move them, or give up and sit in front of them waiting for them to be taken away. Last week, I lost My Angel. For those of you who've kept up with the story, you know exactly who I am talking about. A recap for those who are new: I have a severe needle phobia and I finally found a phlebotomist who works wonders with my tiny, fragile, collapsing veins. I have nicknamed her My Angel. Anyway, the walk-in clinic where she usually works is undergoing renovations. And the lab that was located within that building closed; they've referred patients to another, different lab nearby. I went to the clinic to have blood drawn for a follow up thyroid check to ensure that my hypothyroidism is still being treated properly and that my levels are good. No lab. I just about freaked right there in the parking lot. I gathered my papers and went in to talk to the reception desk. "Where is the phlebotomist that was in the lab?" I asked. "The lab is closed. Go to blah blah blah..." I tuned out. "No no, you don't understand. I don't care WHICH lab she is at. I need to find HER. Where is she?" "Um... I don't know." That statement was accompanied by a blank stare and another receptionist who'd overheard chimed in, "Let me ask around for you. Maybe someone knows where she went." I was shaking by this time; if I couldn't find her, I'd have to start all over again with someone else. Not cool at all. The receptionist returned... with no good answer. I barely held it together til I got to my car. I spent the next three days, and I don't know how many hours on the telephone trying to find My Angel. I finally tracked her down. And when I walked into the clinic, she looked at me and said joyfully, "You found me!" I recounted my tale and she looked at me incredulously, "But I left my information with the clinic. They know where I am!" I gave her my business card this time and told her that if she EVER EVER moves again, please let me know! I will follow her to Toronto if I have to! No joke. Anyway, she managed to find a vein and got the one little vial she needed; the bruising started before I even walked out of there. It's never easy is it? And because of all this delay, I even had to reschedule the doc appointment to go over these bloodwork results because he simply wouldn't have had them in time. One roadblock after another. I did have a helping hand at the phlebotomist's though; my best friend MH (pictured with his wife in the previous post) was here visiting and he let me mangle his hand for a change. God love him.

I hate having no control. I hate being at the mercy of others. I hate that of all of the things in my life, of all of the quests I have pursued (degrees, travel, opportunity, career, marriage, social life, etc.) that this is the hardest quest of all and I can't do a thing to change the outcome only do as I'm told. I wonder when the time comes to wash my hands of the whole thing and walk away. Will I recognize it?

Have you walked away from something you have tried to do and simply not been able to achieve, no matter what your efforts? What did you walk away from and how did you know it was time to walk away?