Friday, October 31, 2008

Stress? Oh yes. Bring on the vacation time!

Things have been rough/stressful in the last few weeks, but we are trying to sort ourselves out.

A couple of weeks ago, hubby and I attend a meeting of the local chapter of the Infertility Awareness Association of Canada (IAAC) at which the topic of discussion was how to know when to stop treatment. A very interesting subject indeed and one I expect I am going to need to explore in the coming year.

Anyway, all was good... sort of.

The meeting was held in a local community centre and library on a bright, sunny Sunday afternoon. We had one of the meeting rooms reserved for the IAAC. On the door was a little portion of the e-mail invitation identifying the group and what the topic of discussion was, so that attendees could find the right room. Well, unfortunately that paper also served to advertise to the immature teens frequenting the centre that afternoon as to our purpose. Pretty soon, there were a gaggle of sh*tdisturbers hanging outside the door, laughing, pointing at the notice and generally causing trouble. A few of the gentlemen (and ladies I think) who were attending the meeting went out to ask them to please be quiet, etc. To no avail. It culminated in one of these stellar examples of why people might want to practice birth control *eyeroll* opening the door, and yelling into the room, "Ha! You guys can't have kids!" followed by raucous laughter and general infantile reactions by the other forgotten-condom-results outside the door. The guest speaker said, "Would anyone like me to do something about that?" And of course so many of us were just mortified. Dumbstruck. I am sure I was near tears. Truly, at that precise moment I wanted to just grab my fleece jacket and make a hasty departure.

All of a sudden, hubby says, "I'll take care of it." And he jumps up and heads for the door where said infantile teen had been loitering. I was shocked. I was utterly dumbstruck. I must say, hubby's reaction took me by surprise, I confess. He's usually so pacifist and easygoing, it was completely out of character. But up he jumped and off he went. And about 5 or 8 minutes later, he returned. I didn't speak to him about it right then; I just laid my hand on his thigh to show him how VERY much it meant to me that he stood up for me, for him, for all of us in that room. It really hit home. Afterwards, I asked him about what happened. Apparently he caught the waste-of-gametes just outside the main doors and promptly grabbed him by the neck/collar and told him in no uncertain terms that his comments were not appreciated, nor were they helpful and it would be to his benefit if he refrained from such outbursts in the future. Hubby did manage to get an apology from the little bugger, so there is that. Still though, it was incredible to me that this sort of thing could (and does) happen.

But more incredible to me was my husband's response. I have to tell you... *whispers* hubby was sufficiently rewarded later that night for his initiative! Go get em baby! WOO HOO!!!

Yes, some decorum right?
Let's move along. On to other things.

I'm still on the BCP for the IVF #1 cycle. I start Buserelin (aka Suprefact) injections next Friday, November 7. Wish me luck. Right now, even the BCP is making me nauseous and dizzy! I haven't taken BCPs in about 12 years, so this is weird for me!

On Monday we leave for a family holiday. My parents and two of my aunts will be heading to Florida for a vacation and hubby and I are going as well. This time, we're taking my stepchildren (a boy, J, who is 12, and his sister T who will turn 14 while we are there). The kids haven't ever been to Florida before, nor do they get many holidays so we're hoping to make this one special for them. We will do the Disney thing (Magic Kingdom) of course, and maybe Busch Gardens in Tampa too. The kids may opt to swap Busch out for the Animal Kingdom or another park in Orlando; we'll have to see.

And if I time it right, I might be able to attend some of next week's American Translators Association (ATA) conference at the Hilton in the Magic Kingdom. I met with a potential service provider yesterday who indicated that their company will be there and he said, "Hey Gil, if you want to go, here's my cell phone number. Call me when you get there and I'll sign you in!" Okay, he said it in French, but that's what he said... and I just about danced with glee! I'm going to try to get there, but no guarantees of course.

Today, my thoughts are with my best friend MH as he leaves VA to fly to CA to finish the moving of their home and hopefully by Sunday, he'll be on the road with his family. I know things are difficult right now honey... hang in there. Just hang on. Never let go.

Happy Halloween to those of you who celebrate. I'll try to update from Florida in the coming weeks. Promise!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Welcome to my Guildmates

Just a little word to welcome any and all of my gaming friends who are now aware of this blog. By all means, go ahead and peruse its history to learn about what my husband and I have been going through for the last five years. If you wish to better understand the acronyms and abbreviations in this blog and other trying to conceive (TTC) blogs, please see one of my previous posts entitled TTC Lingo.

As I requested in the gaming forums, please feel free to talk to me or my husband about the content herein, however this information is private and I ask that you not share it to anyone else in the world of Norrath.

Blessings to you all. Always.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

And on Tuesday, the haggard wench arrived... she brought friends.

I am so ready to throw in the towel.

And yet, here we are on CD2 and I have just started BCP for November/December IVF & ICSI #1. But why? Why go through this?

Yet another girlfriend mailed me yesterday; she's expecting her fourth child in June 2009. Glad someone gets lucky round here...

Got an invitation to my sister-in-law's shower; it will be held between monitoring appointment #1 and #2 towards the end of November. I've no idea yet what to get for her or what she needs. I'll have to talk to hubby's mother about that.

And then yesterday we got hit with such f*cking great news; hubby's ex is about to slam him in court for more child support. I will bet anything that she is doing this because we are taking the kids to Florida and she knows damn well she can't afford to do that while living at her parents' home with the kids and squandering her life and money. If she does this, I can pretty much guarantee that it is the first and last big vacation those kids will get because every other cent will have to go towards monthly payments. B*tch. I could happily throttle her sorry a$$. For years, hubby has been paying more than was originally ordered by the courts on a voluntary basis and shelling out for little extras now and then. If she does this, they won't get those extras (like vacations or trips to Newfoundland with us periodically).

Nice time to do it too; right as I'm starting BCP for IVF. Like I need that extra financial stress at the moment.

I feel like I'm on an island and while I see support ships offshore, no one is ON this island with me. No one is sandbagging alongside me. No one is huddling with me under the single palm tree for shelter in the storm. Big, beautiful, well-stocked ships >just< offshore. I wish they were closer.

Someone shoot me now and get it over with. Please.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Hold on Tight; We're about to Embark on a H*lluva Journey!

I said I would update when there is news. And there is news, so I’m updating.

Yesterday hubby and I have a lovely little sleep-in before making the drive to Montréal for a 1:00p.m. appointment with the urologist. We started the day is less than fine spirits because having to drive for four hours to get papers signed seems more than a tad ludicrous in these times of technology. I mean honestly, do we have to be sitting right in front of him to sign papers? Come on! What are webcams for? Oh... right, there are other uses for webcams. Or so I’ve heard. Ahem...

So hubby took the day off (without pay, mind you) and I took the day off and we set out for the bustling metropolis up the road. We arrived with no trouble and made our way in for our appointment. We were first on the list and we were lucky that the urologist was on time.

He examined hubby again and reiterated that he expected no problems with aspirating good, useful sperm from him on the day of our procedure. He also indicated that the vial of donor sperm had arrived at the embryology lab, so it’s there for us if we need it. However, he reiterated that in cases like ours, where they have donor sperm as a backup with the expectation that they will find viable sperm in the husband to use, then they have NEVER ONCE had to resort to that backup. Good odds.

We all know that I fall on the wrong side of the odds though; I have no expectations anymore. Let’s be realistic, shall we?

That appointment taken care of, we waited a little bit down by the nurses’ station and we sat down with her to go over the details. Now the way I had figured things, my cycle falling as it does, I assumed I would be on the schedule for a retrieval in mid-December sometime, with a transfer falling the week before Christmas. Yeah, um, not.

Apparently, the way they filled out my IVF calendar, I start BCP with my next period.

Did you read that? MY NEXT PERIOD. That’s next week people (I am like freakin’ clockwork, I guarantee). I start my suppression cycle with BCP next week. Dear God.

I am sure my eyes went wide at that point; I confess, I didn’t expect that to happen while we were there. And when we looked at the details, I just sat in shock. It’s a little overwhelming to think that I am going to be injecting all these drugs into my body; me, the chick who is deathly afraid of needles.

Anyway, this is our IVF #1 Protocol (with a few extra things tossed in for good measure!):

October 15 – BCP with CD1
November 3 – leave for Florida with hubby, stepkids, parents
November 7 – Buserelin (0.5 ml or 50 IU) daily (we have a letter saying we are allowed to travel with needles and drugs)
November 15 – return from FLA
November 20 – monitoring U/S in Ottawa @ 7:15 a.m.; start Gonal F (225 IU) and Luveris (75 IU) possibly reduce amount of Buserelin (to 0.2 ml or 20 IU), fax results to Montréal before noon; hubby starts antibiotics
November 27 – MH and his family arrive for US Thanksgiving weekend
November 28 – monitoring U/S in Montréal @ 9:30 a.m.
November 29 – tentative monitoring U/S in Montréal @ 9:30 a.m.
November 30 – Thanksgiving dinner (because we won’t have had ours in October, as we’ll be in Virginia), attend Neil Diamond concert with MH’s wife (YAY!)
December 1 or 2 – collection in MTL (we’ll likely stay overnight)
December 4 or 5 – 2-3 day transfer

And then the 2ww. Oh how I’ve missed that!


That is our protocol and this is how the folks in Montréal expect we’ll get lucky. As I have indicated, I have serious doubts and I’m going through this because I need to in order to get past it and get on with the healing process. Because if I don’t do this, I’ll kick myself forevermore.

A few things to note:

I have a bobbleheaded-husband. You know those little character dolls that have huge heads, sitting on springs that bobble back and forth as the doll moves? Yeah. I have a husband with a bobblehead. All day yesterday in Montreal, he would sit down in any chair and he’d set his head back, resting it on the wall behind the chair. The first time, in the waiting room, there was some sort of a protector thing on the wall right behind his head, and it irritated him. I giggled when he kept leaning his head against it and repeatedly got annoyed. Then down by the nurses’ station, he leaned back on a bulletin board, his head resting on the frame before he realized yet again, something was behind his head. “What…” I said to him, “Are you unable to hold up your own head? It’s too heavy maybe?” I laughed. “Yeah, I’ve got such a big head,” he replied. “A bobblehead!” I told him I would put that in my blog. There you go honey. I truly do have a bobbleheaded husband.

Last week I was up and down, for the same reason in fact. One of my dearest girlfriends, T and her partner M who live in Montreal got in touch. You know how this goes right? Yes indeed. They wanted to let me know that T is p/g and as of last week, she was 19 wks along, due on February 22 (about one week after my local friends, M and her hubby M). T and M were the only two friends from Ottawa who made the long trek to Newfoundland when hubby and I got married four years ago. They’ve been together almost as long as hubby and me. And I know that T wanted to get married before they started a family but hey, there you go, sometimes it doesn’t work out that way, right? Well, T told me her great news. Oh heavens, what a sweetheart for telling me the way she did. So super sensitive; she GETS it. I love her dearly. Anyway, once again, I threw myself a two-day pity party and mourned the fact that my arms are still empty. I have yet to get back to her personally though and tell her how happy I am for her and M and their wonderful news! I couldn’t be more thrilled.

I am saddened though: one of my best girlfriends should be able to tell me about her great news before her 19th week and not wonder about my reaction. I should be able to squeal and jump for joy and experience the fun and happiness alongside her when she tells me. IF has robbed me of special moments with my girlfriends and relatives. And by the same token, it’s robbed those special people of those moments with me.

It shouldn’t be this way, but it is. Now, how do I change that? Or can I change it at all? I’m not sure.

Hubby and I leave for Virginia on Thursday evening and we’re gone for the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! May it be filled with bountiful things, much love and immense joy and may you and your families spend special moments together, as we are meant to in life.