Friday, October 28, 2011

{This Moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Where to Turn When No One Will Help?

I've been very quiet about the personal issues I've been dealing with lately.

I've come to realize something though: while I'm dealing with them, they're not MY issues. They're LaGrande's issues. But they are plentiful. And I no longer know where to turn. Here's what's going on in my world at the moment. Hold onto your hats. It's a doozy of a ride; and here you thought the IF rollercoaster was something!

We're dealing with repeated self-mutilation. Some that has required hospital intervention.

Then came skipping classes.

Then it was lying to us and going to a rave with a friend.

Where she got drunk. Like TOTALLY drunk. So much so that she touted on Facebook in a private message, "I wasn't totally drunk. I still remember everything."

And took the next day to recover.

Next we found out about the drugs. It started with weed, then moved to speed.

And she is no longer taking her anti-depressants but states that she wants to die... just not to kill herself.

In the past two weeks, we've talked to her. Tried to get her to discuss what's going on. We're pretty open minded and fairly easy to talk to. But all this in one shot? Quite a bit to handle ain't it?

Then as a consequence of her actions, we grounded her for one month. She rebelled and said she refused to follow our rules. We handed her a suitcase. Then called Drug and Alcohol intervention. Who redirected us to the police. Who redirected us to mental health. Who redirected us to a shelter for women. Who redirected us back to mental health crisis intervention. Four hours later, intervention workers came. We reduced her grounding to 2 weeks; dependent on her actions in those two weeks it could be extended to the one-month original grounding.

That same night she asked to have a friend sleep over FFS!!! /boggle

This past weekend, her good friend tried to commit suicide. That was followed quickly by her own cutting (again). I had her mom come get her and take her to the hospital (I had to stay home with Petite). The hospital let her go. The next day, crisis intervention workers saw her at her mother's house.

No dice. We've spent the last two days shlepping her from hospital to intervention locations and everyone is passing the buck. No one will say, "She needs help. We will help her." Not. One. Soul. But we continue to try. Today started at a hospital; she got sent to another hospital... the same one she was at yesterday. They're saying she's not "serious" enough about her statements and she really doesn't mean it.

Next Hubby is bringing her to a walk-in mental health crisis centre. (Oh yes, Hubby has had to take a few days off work to deal with some of this too at this point. And I've been trying to schedule the family therapy sessions during my lunch hour.) While at that centre, La Grande will be told that she cannot come back to our home until we can get her some treatment, and she agrees to adhere to that treatment AND THEN MAKES THE DAMN EFFORT instead of flaunting it behind our backs, and telling her friends that she is "pretending" to be better so she can get off her anti-depressants.

Look, here's the long and the short of it: We have a two-year old. I work in law-enforcement. There are basic rules that must be enforced in our home to ensure job security and personal safety. We cannot continue to let her call the shots. Respect is paramount. I expect normal teenage crap. This shit ain't normal. Nor do we have to put up with it in our home.

What pisses me off though, what really gets me f*cking riled is this:

In this big, wide, supposedly great city, with apparently LOTS of resources, health care that is supposed to be stellar, and all that crap, the city where a teenager committed suicide last week because of bullying (LaGrande is bullied too; two days ago, another mom stood up for her to a bunch of teens... and their ignorant parents), no one, not one person, resource, location, program, whatever will say, "Yes, we can help her."


No one will help us. I need to ensure the safety of my family, myself, my home and my job. Enough.

I found out this morning she had a few hits off a bong with a friend on Monday afternoon. While she was grounded. And she knew that if she did it again, her bags would be packed for her.

Tonight we are packing her clothing and personal items. She will no longer be permitted to live in our home. When we see changes, real and pertinent changes, we may discuss reintroducing her to our family. Until then, for safety's sake, it just can't happen.

Bear with me everyone. It's been a very difficult few months and these last two weeks are really trying my patience. If you have experience with this sort of thing, feel free to weigh in.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Fifth Disease

Yet again, this thing has reared its ugly head.

Petite has Fifth Disease. Again. Or rather... still.

Two weeks ago, on Friday, September 30, we noticed this rash. It looked a bit like hives in some spots. It looked itchy, but it didn't seem to bother her at all. She was a little sensitive and touchy, but other than that, she was happy and playing just as normal.

Over the course of the weekend, the spots and rash migrated, disappearing from her torso and reappearing on her legs, her arms, her face (I know why it's also called "Slapped Cheek Syndrome"!), and other areas. And then, it subsided by Sunday night, and on Monday morning, October 3, she was fine again.

Until last Friday.

And on Friday morning, my caregiver called me to say that Petite had "hives" in a few spots on her body, asking if we'd given her any different foods, or changed detergents or anything. Nada. By Friday night, her underarms exhibited the same nasty rash again. And over the weekend, the rash and hives did the same thing: they migrated, moving around from torso to legs, to face, to arms and (almost) everywhere in between. This morning, it was her legs that were covered. I do mean "covered." There was barely a spot on her legs that didn't have some degree of redness.

To appease my fears and reassure our caregiver, Hubby took Petite to the clinic this morning. The verdict is in: Fifth Disease, just as we suspected. It can last up to three weeks or so. We still have another week to go apparently.

At least she's cleared for daycare and she's still happy and energetic.


Sending love and wonderful wishes to Kelly who had her little girl on October 13. Congratulations Kelly, as you enjoy these first amazing days. It's never boring and it's the most rewarding thing you'll likely ever do! Welcome Blakely!

Friday, October 14, 2011

{This Moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’
in the comments for all to find and see.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Winner of "Win a Baby!" is ANNOUNCED!

This morning at 7:15, I was glued to the radio. I had to hear the results of the contest.

The New HOT 89.9 was about to announce the winner of their (controversial) contest, "Win a Baby!" And there was no way I was going to miss it.

Hubby was up and getting Petite into her jacket and sneakers, getting her ready to go with me to daycare for the day. I was ready to go out the door, purse and lunch sitting in the front hallway so we could run as soon as I heard the announcement and switched off the radio to head out for my day.

But for those few moments, I was totally engrossed in the announcement. All five couples were at the radio station, live on the air with Mauler, the host. And one or two took to the air to say thank you to the radio station for putting on the contest at all and giving them the opportunity to hope.

And then the moment of truth. Who gets to win a baby?

Mauler took the envelope from Josie, the program director at the station. He opened it and said, "The winner of the Win a Baby contest is...



all of you. You ALL get up to $35,000 worth of infertility treatments."

Many tears were shed. And I'm not talking about at the station.

In my kitchen, with Petite and Hubby watching and listening, I started to sob with relief for all of these couples. I was totally overcome with joy and hope. What an incredible gift. I knew it would be emotional and really, it didn't matter to me WHO won, just that someone, one lucky couple would get the opportunity of a lifetime.

Hearing that all five couples get that opportunity, well that just blows me away. It's wonderful. It's incredible. It's life-changing. It's a huge weight taken off their shoulders and their hopes and dreams have a place to be channeled now.

What a beautiful, wonderful thing this radio station has done for five lucky couples. Five families. Five extended families. For their friends. For everyone that surrounds them with love and hope and joy.

I clapped my hands and wept with joy for each of them. Because they now have the opportunity to try to bring a new life into this world. And that is the greatest gift of all.

Congratulations to all the winners. May the treatments succeed and may your lives be changed forever in the most wonderful of ways. I only hope you all have the blessed opportunity to have what Hubby and I have; it truly is amazing.

Friday, October 07, 2011

This Moment

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Who gets to "Win a Baby"? / Life's Sh*tstorm

The New HOT 89.9 is in the voting process for their sensational contest, "Win a Baby."

Alas... Hubby and I are not one of the five finalists. I wish we were. But we're not. Five couples have been chosen and while the ads on the station discuss the mountain of applications (over 400!) that came in, and the fact that they wish they could grant the wishes of every applicant, it is only the five finalist couples that have the opportunity.

So as an infertile, who is a proponent of voicing infertility issues, who is trying to raise awareness, I pass on the link to all of you, others in the community, who may wish to weigh in with your vote.

Which couple should win? Good question. I have my preferences of course, and my reasons for voting as I did. When I read the story snippets that are outlined on the radio station's website, there were things that jumped out at me, indicators, that said, "Yeah, I can relate to this couple." Or, "Not at all. This couple could do X, Y, or Z to get pregnant. They don't need IVF."

But I let you determine for yourselves. Who would you vote for? Go to The New HOT 89.9's website and read the information and cast your own vote. Keep in mind that the numbers of votes each couple receives is not visible. And in the end, the suitability of the couple will determine whether they receive treatment; just because they have the most number of votes doesn't mean automatically that they will receive the IVF treatments.

***** ***** ***** *****

In my world, I have a lot of things going on at the moment. Some aren't so positive. In fact... let's be honest. I have a fair sh*tstorm I'm dealing with right now. It's not fun. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I could write pages and pages about the details, but should I? No. Probably not. Yes, it's what's affecting me at the moment; it IS my story right now. I can't say that it isn't my story to tell.

Mel's post today resonated with me. She talked about the "Shiny Happy Bloggers" and the need we feel to write only about the positive things in our lives, sometimes out of fear that someone will post a comment saying something to the effect of, "You have no right to feel this way and no right to complain. Look at how great your life is!"

I definitely feel that. While I recognize that many things in my life are so much better than others, there are things that aren't always great. There are tough times, believe it or not. I choose to write mainly about the positives, but there are days... dear God, there are days... *tears out hair* There are moments I want to scream and shout and hide away, because dealing with so much crap thrown at me is frustrating, draining, tiresome and it makes me angry. Right now, a professional thinks that I am dealing with much, much more than most people deal with. Certainly much more all at once than most people have to deal with. I'm generally a very positive person. I'm ambitious. I'm stubborn (to a fault) and I strive to make things work. I am logical and have rationale for my thoughts, ideas and actions. Usually. But sometimes, I just want to curl in a ball and make the world go away.

Then something makes me stop and think, "I have a beautiful little girl that loves me and who I love beyond words. Get over yourself." And I move on.

But that desire to curl in a ball still rears its head on occasion. This week is one of them. I don't know how much I want to write about it though. I should feel free to express myself on my own blog. One would think, right? I wish. I honestly do wish. Mel said it best:

Writing your way through your emotions is more important than pleasing a reader. Because at the end of the day, you shouldn’t care what I think. You shouldn’t be catering to me — you should be catering to you and what you need to say because YOUR blog is YOUR space.