Saturday, December 23, 2006

Florida Vacation

So it's been a busy week. Can't you tell?

Hubby and I went with my family up to Orlando to the Magic Kingdom. A friend had requested this pic, so I thought I'd share it with you.

A smile. Yeah. And it's on MY face. Colour me surprised. That happens so rarely lately.

Hubby commented yesterday (while we sat in the hot tub with coconut rum drinks in hand) that he's seen me relax a great deal in the last week or so. Slowly but surely the heavy weight seems to be floating away.

It was until last night that is. My mom and aunts, being fans of Rod Stewart, wanted to watch the Christmas special that was on TV last night. I was wiping the table after dinner when it came on and lo and behold, the title of the Christmas special was "A Home for the Holidays," Rod Stewart's contribution to... finding homes for adopted children. I just couldn't watch. I fled to the bedroom to have a little cry, resolving myself NOT to ruin my family's vacation. Mom saw my face and followed me to the bedroom. She wrapped her arms around me and I said, "I'm sorry. I won't ruin your vacation. I won't." I sat down on the bed, head in my hands and she sat down next to me, put her hand on my back and said, "I was waiting for this. Gil... you ARE my vacation honey." Words cannot express how thankful I was at that precise moment to have my mom close to me.

She soon left and I flipped on the TV to see what ELSE was on. I came across a rerun of Reba; the episode where Reba's teenage daughter Cheyenne gives birth. Then another Christmas holiday thing; an abandoned baby on a doorstep. Then yet another Christmas thing with a child's Christmas pageant being portrayed. Argh!!!! That was when hubby and I mixed drinks and went to the hot tub. When all seems lost, coconut rum numbs the pain. Temporarily at least.

Here's hoping I can avoid the Christmas weekend touchy-feely specials that all seem to include children. My emotions can't handle that very well right now.

Sending love to you all in blogland and certainly much love to Smarshy and M at this difficult time. I hope your holidays with the Buggins bring you joy, happiness and a sense of wonderment at this special time of the year. *hugs*

Friday, December 15, 2006

On an IF Break; Vacation in Florida!

Well, a vacation is a good thing, and although I'm not quite yet in "vacation" mode, I'm getting there. I think a few good long strolls on the beach will do me a world of good. It'll let me commune with nature and all that. I love to just sit on the beach and watch the tide, listen to the waves, let the sand run through my fingers. It calms me, soothes me.

Today, hubby and I went over the Sunshine Skyway in beautiful Florida down to Ellenton to do a bit of shopping. And while at the outlet stores, we happened across a bookstore that is closing up shop. All of their books were on sale; hardcovers for the low price of $4, and paperbacks for $2. We started to browse.

I think I got really lucky. (Ah, if only we could get so lucky with getting two pink lines huh?) Anyway, I bought a few references. First, I came across a little book entitled Create a Special Baby's Room. I thought it looked like a bit of fun and certainly something that I can play with, given that I got a new sewing machine for Christmas. That paperback cost me $2.

We poked around a little more. And my husband found one that he thought I would like, called A Few Good Eggs. I must say, it seems like the two co-authors have some great ideas! I'm looking forward to reading that one. It was a hardcover... $4.

The last resource we stumbled across was, for me, the motherlode. It's a book that has been recommended to me by a few other donor couples and people who've gone or investigated the donor route. It's called Helping the Stork; The Choices and Challenges of Donor Insemination. I think it will help me understand my emotions a little better. It's hard to find people who have gone the donor route, who are facing similar circumstances as my husband and I are. This book is a paperback too; $2.

Sending love to...
This week, I'd like first to thank all of you who've come by to offer your thoughts and good wishes as AF came to ruin my holiday joy. I do appreciate your sentiments, and I'm not giving up. Not yet. It wasn't easy to deal with AF, but I am not throwing in the towel. I'm a stubborn Canuck... better yet, a stubborn Newf. And I'm NOT letting IF get the better of me. Nuh uh. No way.

That said, I sure wish I were in Smarshy's wife's shoes! Lucky lady! My fingers are crossed for Smarshy and M as they see the second faint line, and wait (with much hope) for that line to darken. Oh it would be wonderful for them to get lucky! And I pray to God that they do.

Love to everyone. I think I'm gonna go soak in the hot tub. There's a daiquiri with my name on it somewhere...

Sunday, December 10, 2006

The Red Wench Arrives

Aaaaannnnndddd... bingo. The arrival of the red wench. No, I don't mean Mrs. Claus. All of you in the IF world know exactly to whom I am referring don't you? Yes indeed. She's come to ruin my joy.

All that money this month for meds and donor samples and no luck. I really thought we had a chance. I'm out for this month. And I'm out for next month too; hubby and I will be away during this cycle so unable to do anything. I need a break anyway. We still have two donor samples on ice at the doc's. And I'll take a month away from all my meds and maybe from temping too. The meds I take are not required, and were I not trying to have children, I wouldn't be taking any of them.

Thank you all for your good wishes and hopes though. Knowing you are all there beside me gives me comfort. I know you understand when the tears start to flow.

In the meantime, I thought I'd post a few of those pics of Taffy Lane. The kids really enjoyed it and so did we.
Trees and Wreaths
Taffy Lane at Christmas
Taffy Lane or Candy Cane Lane?
More candy canes!
Can you imagine the light bill?
Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy Hannukah, etc. to all the folks in blogland. May your holidays be filled with friends, family, laughter and love. But most of all, love. Peace on Earth and goodwill to all.

P.S. I may get a chance to post from the beach in Florida; if not, I'll catch up with you all in the New Year.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Poetry and Prayer

First up, the poetry. I nominate Flicka for poem of the year. I laughed so hard, tears came to my eyes. Go peek at Merry Christmas Infertilnet; The Infertile Night before Christmas. It's superb. *claps and cheers* Well done!

Now the prayer. It's Saturday morning. I have a crazy day planned and if it would please God, I would like to ask that AF not arrive to dampen my spirits. I am not supposed to test until Monday. I think I've been holding off because I don't want a negative to ruin my day, weekend, week, whatever. I just keep praying. Do prayers get answered? I don't know. Are they heard? I think so, but who can be sure?

Regardless, my day goes on. Today we get to spend some time with hubby's children. They are such a joy. I love them dearly. They called the other night, his daughter spoke with me first (hubby was out shopping).
She asked, "So, Saturday is the last day we get to see you before Christmas and before your trip right?"
I replied, "Yes, it is sweetie. Why, was there something you wanted to do? Something special?"
"Well, (my brother) and I thought it would be neat to go for a drive to Taffy Lane."
*laughter from me* "Of course hon! We make sure we take you guys to Taffy Lane EVERY year. Don't worry. We'll go on Saturday. I promise. Your dad and I had already thought about doing that with you."
*squeals of delight from her* "YAY!"

Let me explain. Here in the city, there is a street named Taffy Lane. There are probably about 50 or 60 homes on the street. But, every year, every single home is decorated to the nines. It's like some unwritten code of conduct that the residents of Taffy Lane adhere to and implicitly agree to when they move onto the street. (By the way, if that interests you, there's one home for sale there right now.) It's SO decorated, that the city puts up temporary "One Way" signs to modify the traffic pattern; otherwise too many automobile accidents would occur. It's SO decorated that they have a reindeer crossing sign decorated with lights put up near one of the hedges. It's SO decorated that each year, one of the residents dresses up as St. Nick himself and will (after he asks permission to do so) open up the back door of your vehicle to hand candy canes to your children and ask them what they want for Christmas. I kid you not. It's spectacular. And all the more magical when a lovely coating of powdered snow lies on the ground and big fluffy flakes fall all around. You can park at a nearby lot and stroll down one side of the street and back up the other side to take it all in. It really is something to see. I ought to try to take a picture this year.

Okay, enough of my blathering. I'm going to go on with my day. And hope that AF doesn't show up. Please Lord, let this be the one.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Worry Abounds

I have a bad feeling about today...

Something tells me that I'm not going to make it as far as Monday. *sigh* And that will suck. Royally. I really, really, really just want to make it to Monday. At least.

I guess I too am "wearing worry like a backpack," much like Gaelen. (Don't worry Gaelen, you coined the phrase. I'm just borrowing it for a bit.) Nope, we don't get to escape it. There's always something to worry about. Worry about whether the follies will grow. Worry about whether they'll be mature enough. Worry about whether there's eggs in the follies. Worry about whether you'll ovulate. Worry about when you ovulated. Worry about whether the timing was right. Worry about the quality of the sample. Worry about whether the sperm can actually penetrate the egg. Worry about injection dosage. Worry about medication. Worry about the 2ww. Worry about getting AF. Worry about not getting AF and what to do with a BFP after you've mastered the IF world? Good heavens. So much worry. We're fraught with it.

I'm human too; and today I worry that this cycle might be a bust. Dear Lord, I pray daily for this to be the one. But I never know if it'll ever be my turn.

**Edited to add**
Just a note, it's freakin' COLD here this morning. The temp was -16 at 6 a.m. with a windchill of... get this... -25!!!! Brr!!! *pulls out the long johns*

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Some optimism?

I've been keeping an eye on my temps. And, thank goodness, so has Fertility Friend (FF)... the software I use to track cycle information.

This morning, after I entered my temp, I scrolled a bit to read the analysis that FF spat out at me. "Possibly triphasic on day 20." Well now, that is good! Never, in all the months, nay, years of charting, have I ever seen a triphasic chart that belongs to me. So that is really good to hear.

I know it doesn't necessarily MEAN anything. But it gives me some optimism. And while I'm running around frenetically (much as I was in my last post too), in the back of my mind that little word sticks out, "triphasic." And I continue to hope.

CD22 and counting. Hugs to my fellow bloggers!

Monday, December 04, 2006

CD21; aka 8dp dIUI #1

Dear Lord... how do I keep myself from going stark raving mad in this 2ww? I mean seriously! I am doing my darndest to keep busy, to not obsess, to focus on good things, to not let the progesterone turn me into a mad woman (although hubby had serious doubts about the success of THAT endeavor yesterday!), to not think about POAS, to think positively, etc. I'm fretting like some woman on crack about my temps, I'm choosing new flooring for the little bedroom with new décor for a 'maybe baby' in mind... I think I've lost it. I think I'm ready to jump off the bridge of insanity. Honest to goodness. It's nuts. Or maybe I'm just nuts. I've no idea anymore. *runs around frantically hither and yon, wide-eyed and hyperventilating*

I wish I felt something, anything, to indicate that this dIUI worked. I think that is where my brain is right now... just wishing that there was some sort of sign that would take me out of limboland and put me definitively on one side of the fence or the other. How do you all manage? What keeps you from POAS every day? What stops you from obsessing? And/or what was your first inkling that "this may have worked"?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Keeping busy

December 1. I had hopes for this year. So many hopes. I hoped that by Christmas hubby and I would have a child of our own to share the joy of the holidays. I hoped that the surgery I had in April would resolve our problems. I hoped that at the VERY least, I'd be able to say I was p/g by Christmas. And yet here it is, December 1 and none of those things has happened. Sh*t.

I am enduring the 2ww as best as I can. I'm plunging myself into a variety of things, mostly Christmas preparations, to keep my mind busy and to NOT obsess. So to that end, in the next week, I have the following things to tackle:

- finish the Christmas Cards
"Ah," you say, "that'll be easy." Nope. Not my way. First of all, I usually send in the vicinity of 180 to 200 Christmas cards to people all over the globe, as far away as New Zealand and Japan. And, in each one of them, in BOTH red and green pen, I write a little message, the date and of course, signatures. Then I print out Christmas labels with little holly and berries on the border. And in years past, I'd hand-draw (again, in red and green pen) a candy-cane with a green bow around it. Just call me Martha Stewart. Or... stupid. Either works for me.

- finish putting up outdoor decorations
Hubby put lights across the top of the house, but now I need to put the greenery down the railing (both sides) and wind the lights around that. Then the two swags with a wreath in the centre, and lights through that. And a big wreath on the lamppost out front. And the wreath on the door. A couple of days ago, I bought lots of little decorations to update the wreaths and inject some much-needed colour into them; they've faded in the last couple of years.

- put up the tree and decorate it
Usually, this would take about seven hours. "Seven" you say? Yes, seven. Why seven? Um... cause... I put about 800 lights on our Christmas tree. I don't wind the lights around the tree on the outer tips. No no. To add depth and richness of colour, I thread the lights along the edge of each branch, right to the centre of the tree, and out to the tip of the branch, then back to the centre on the other side of the branch, etc. All the way to the top. A couple of years ago, we started putting the tree away (yes, artificial... allergies dictate that it should be) with the 800 lights still in place. So now when we take out the tree, we just check the lights that are already on it and hope that we only have a few to replace.

- help a friend do her decorating and her tree (on Sunday the 3rd)
Being a single mom with no family in the area, she is close to her "chosen" family, and I'm lucky enough to be included in that. So hubby and I will go over on Sunday and spend time with her and her 9-year old daughter (who calls me Auntie Gil) and we'll give them a hand and stay for dinner.

- pick up tickets to a concert for Mom and me
Mom LOVES Rod Stewart. And it so happens that he's coming to the city at the end of February next year. So I'm going to get two tickets to the concert for us and call it Mom's birthday gift. She hopes she'll be able to come visit at that time, barring any serious health problems or complications. We'll play it by ear. Anyway, to get the best tickets, I ought to actually LINE UP. The last few times I've tried to purchase online, the darn checkout gives me a "Timed Out" error. And on the phone, it takes AGES to get through. Bleh. So I'll just go get the tickets in person. Easier that way.

- finish the Christmas shopping for people here, before my vacation
I still have a few people to buy for, and wrapping to do before I get on that airplane in a mere 11 days.

- pack for vacation
Luckily this doesn't have to be done until the day before the trip. Unfortunately, that day is also my POAS day. *sigh* Is that really fair? I mean, come on!!!

Anyone got anything else I can cram in there to keep my mind off the 2ww? Baking? Cleaning? I know... choosing the hardwood for the little bedroom!

Sending love to...
Okay, before I sign off, I am sending SO MUCH LOVE to two fellow bloggers, both of whom got BFPs this week! Lisa at My Vasectomy Reversal and Gaelen at Pregnancy Envy (complete with little pictures!) had fantastic news to share. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for them both! And secretly, I'm hoping that good things come in threes this time. Love to you all in blogland.