Friday, June 22, 2012

Hanging In There

This past week has not been a good one. In fact, I think I can safely say it's been one of the worst of my life.

I don't want to elaborate too much here yet. Suffice it to say that one of my aunts is in hospital back at home in Newfoundland and the news is anything but good. I expect I may have to take Petite and fly home for a couple of weeks to see my aunt, and spend some quality time with her.

I hate to think that we are going to lose her. But I suspect there is no way to avoid it. Please God I will get the opportunity to see her again before that time comes.

This week, I am sad not only for myself at the thought of losing someone who has been like a second mom to me, but also for my own mom as she is preparing to lose a sister; the first of the five siblings. I am even more sad for Petite, because Petite adores her great aunts and uncles. This one in particular. And she is too young to have any tangible memories of my aunt yet. At least the rest of the family has memories and wonderful things to recall. Petite cannot do that.

I am just heartbroken.

So I'm hiding and dealing, and just hanging in there. Prayers and good thoughts are most welcome right now. Bear with me.

Saturday, June 09, 2012

Comments from the Peanut Gallery

I realized I've been quiet of late. I don't know if it's because I have nothing to say, or because I have too much to say. Is it possible that it's both? You see, there's a LOT going on in our lives right now. Isn't that always the case chez nous?! But not much of it is related to infertility. And because of that, I'm not sure that this is the venue for discussing it. But then I realize that I mentioned some of these things in passing in previous posts so if you are a regular reader (I don't think I have many of those!), you may be wondering what the follow-up might be.

For posterity's sake, here's what's going on in our lives, and a quick run down of 'updates' about things I'd mentioned in older posts.

365 Blog
I am still focussing on the 365 blog, as there's not much going on in the IF world for us right now. And while I'm taking a photo a day, many days I think that I have very little reason to do so. I drop Petite off at daycare. I go to work. I pick Petite up from daycare. I go home. I do the evening/mommy routine (solo most days, because Hubby works evenings), and then I get to bed around midnight, to get up at 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. and do it all over again. So while I see some wonderful bloggers with GORGEOUS 365 blogs, mine is rather dull by comparison. There are lots of photos of Petite, but not much that is actually truly beautiful. Just moments of my life I suppose... and I expect that rare is the person who would find that interesting for a whole year! So if you do peek at that blog, understand that some days it's hard for me to find something... anything... to take a photo of for uploading. Bear with me.

She is still a train wreck. She has bounced from place to place, (I don't know where she is right now... probably couch-surfing with friends), continues to smoke and do drugs, dropped out of one school and eventually enrolled in another school for troubled teens (so much for graduating this year), and generally continues to use and abuse the system. She has contacted Hubby a couple of times about seeing him. She asked once to see Petite and we nixed that idea really quickly. On my birthday, she tried to call me to wish me happy birthday. Mind you, she called at 9 p.m. and later, which is definitely NOT cool when you have a little one you're trying to get to bed, and she knows we do not accept calls at that hour. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. When Hubby arrived home at 10, and the phone rang again yet again, he answered, and she asked to speak to me to wish me Happy Birthday. No thank you; a few weeks previous, on her mother's birthday, LaGrande refused to go to dinner with her mom because her mom had refused to give her money for something. Anyway, LaGrande then said something about giving me flowers and seeing me in person, and I shook my head at Hubby; I'm simply not interested. My message to her was to give the flowers to her own mother; I don't want them. A text message to Hubby a few days later from her essentially said, "That was six months ago; can't Gil just get over it already?"

In case it hasn't been crystal clear: I have nothing to 'get over.' If you're reading this LaGrande, it's YOU who has to do the work here. You have to get your life back together. You have to be a decent, moral, upstanding person. That means no drugs. No dropping out of school. It means making an effort. It means cleaning up your act. It means apologizing profusely for the hell you put us through. It means finding and keeping a job. It means caring about other people, not just yourself and what you want, continuing down the selfish path you seem to be on. It means not gallivanting out and about all hours of the day and night with supposed 'friends' who are also doing drugs, drinking and generally up to no good; these 'friends' who are just as unable as you are right now to figure out their own lives and who are not doing a great job at trying to do or be anything in life. In general, it means being a GOOD person. When you get that through your brain (I'm estimating in about 4-6 years time) and start to make good on some of those things, then, and only then, will you be permitted to contact me and possibly be reintroduced into our lives. As you know, I don't keep company with people who do what you are doing. Plain and simple. If you stop what you are doing, then I may consider it. There's no 'getting over' what you have done and are doing. What you did has changed our relationship fundamentally; that means it will never, ever, EVER be the same. That's life. That's your choice. That's what you have done. You said you realized the ramifications of your actions and choices. I don't think you really did. It's not something you can brush aside, like a minor thing, such as, "Oh, I f*cked up on a test. Forgive me?" No. Not at all. It's so much more than that. Sooooo much more than that.

Yes, I had my birthday. 42. You read that right. 42 years old. I don't FEEL 42. (Then again, how is 42 supposed to feel anyway?) It was a quiet day and if I were being honest with myself, I was a bit down about it all. Hubby had to work. I had to do the regular routine. I was going to bake myself a cake but I didn't have the ingredients for icing. Then I thought about baking cupcakes with the cake mix, but we didn't have enough papers (I suppose I could have greased the pan though, huh?). In the end, I stopped at a grocery store and bought a cake. Petite helped me blow out the candles. Hubby actually forgot my birthday, remembering much later in the day (probably after seeing some of my friends' Facebook birthday wishes to me) and he texted me an apology and called as well. In the evening, I didn't have much time to talk to the family members who called, because it made Petite's routine really delayed; she never got in the bath until after 8 p.m.! Not good. But we survived. I had cake. I spent my birthday alone; however, Hubby and my girlfriend K got together and we did a BBQ and ice cream cake this past weekend instead. Good enough. After all, it isn't about me anymore, now is it? :D I suppose I'd do well to remember that now and then....

In mid-May, Hubby and I went to Montreal. I truly do not like that city, all the worse with the student protests that are ongoing. (Don't even get me started on that topic! I'll go off half-cocked!) Anyway, after meeting with our old RE, and outlining the reasons we need to be seen at MUHC rather than in Ottawa or at Montréal Reproductive, we moved things forward. We met with a nurse and we discussed a few things. I need to have another u/s to check the cysts that are visible. The one on the right is a simple, functional cyst and will likely be aspirated prior to starting meds, like we did last time. There was a complex cyst on the left. The Ottawa RE expected it to reabsorb into the body; the Montreal RE asked if there was any indication that it might be cancer... either benign or malignant. No, there was no indication of that at all, but we'll check its presence again at the next u/s. No concern at the moment about it hough. About three weeks prior to that appointment in Montreal, my GP upped my hypothyroidism medication, so I need to wait a bit to get blood work done to check those levels again; I may be able to do that this month in fact. Hubby will need another appointment in Montreal to meet with the urologist for a quick exam and to sign the permission forms for TESA/PESA. We also have to sign our consent forms for the IVF + ICSI procedure. Then our nurse presented me with a list of prescriptions and (gulp!) a tentative calendar for September cycling with ER and transfer near mid October. Dear baby Jesus. We have a Calendar. Wow.

And yet I'm terrified to go through with this and have a different outcome than we did for our first (extremely lucky!) IVF. What if they get no decent eggs? What if it doesn't work? What if it does and then I miscarry early? What if it does and I learn the baby has a trisomy? What if the baby has a life-threatening condition? What if  I lose the baby right before birth? What if the baby is stillborn? What if, what if, what if, what if... it all goes round in my head. I'm terrified. Completely terrified. But I also know that if I don't do this, I will regret it forever. It will eat at me. Nag at me. Bother me. In 10 years' time I'll think, "Gil, you should have tried. You really should have tried." I'd rather try than not. My motto remains, "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets. Alors essaye."

To top it off, Petite is now at the age when she is asking for a sibling. She had to come to Montreal with us to our appointment, so she met the RE and all that. She takes the cake though: she keeps saying she wants a brother AND a sister. And then she looks up at me and smiles this happy, expectant grin. Hoo boy! Can you imagine if we did an IVF and got twins?!

We thought Hubby would owe something like $3500 in back taxes. But we finished doing them and when all is said and done, he only owes something like $1800. Gonna take a bit to work it off, but nothing too serious. We can manage that I think. It means being very careful. I'm planning far in advance for things so we can afford the cruise that we booked for February next year, and we'll factor in this bill too. Given the IVF fees, the vacation and the back taxes, it's enough money to try to find.

As mentioned, we have that cruise coming up in February next year. But before that, we have a week-long driving trip to NB planned to visit family. Petite keeps asking, "We go on trip today?" I keep replying, "No honey, we'll go in a few months. Don't worry. We're going on a couple of trips." She's got the wanderlust bug, just like her mommy. I love that! One of these days when she's older, I hope to be able to pick up and fly away for a quick holiday with her to Disney World, or some beach somewhere, on a mother-daughter trip. THAT would be fun. I'd love to do that.

Anyway, we have the driving trip to NB up first. Then the cruise next February. Then next July, I have to budget to get home again. It will be my graduating class' 25th reunion and I'm definitely going! It'll be wonderful to see everyone! I am looking forward to it already! (Now if I could lose 60-80 lbs by then, I'd be happy too!!!)

I'm so excited about the cruise though. I want to lie on a beach and soak up some sun, with a rum punch or fruity drink in my hand. Dip my toes in clear water. Maybe even check out the Atlantis Resort in Nassau (oh to spend a day in that waterpark! Wouldn't that be a blast!?!) or something like that. My girlfriend K wants to do an introductory scuba dive with me. I've never done that but I'd be willing to do a 30 or 40 ft dive to see the reefs. Just thinking about it makes me smile. And the kids want to explore parasailing! Good on them! It'll be so much fun. We're all very much looking forward to it after the year that we have just had.

My arthritis is acting up these days. I am feeling it in my elbows and forearms. I suppose that's a side effect of my job; I'm a writer and I spend days at a keyboard, writing, editing, researching, etc. My setup is as ergonomic as it possibly can be. But as the week gets longer, and my fingers and elbows are working nonstop to do the work that needs to be done, I certainly can feel it. I'm trying to take time out during my day to get to the gym in my building and that's helping. On the days when I'm too busy to get there, I can feel it in my bones. And I know that I'll have to stop taking the arthritis medication to do the IVF cycle. Man... do I have to go back to THAT pain? Ugh. I hope the IVF works so I can get my joints loosened up with the relaxin that my body produces... if nothing else! LOL (Hey, ya gotta laugh!) 

We picked up an enrollment package to start Petite in school for September 2013; she'll be 4 years old then. Scary huh? Is it terrible that I just want to keep her a little girl in daycare? Or home with Mommy? Oh my. But we have to look ahead and so we're getting on the ball. Wow. Just. Wow.

Old Friends
An old friend, T, has gotten in touch with me again. It's good to hear from her. I'm glad she's doing well. We may try to hook up with her when we're in Montreal sometime. Her little boy is 6 months older than Petite and he's the spitting image of his dad. It would be nice to see them all again. I have missed her friendship over the last couple of years.

That's about it for now. That's enough, though. I'm PMSing these days; good ol' Aunt Flo is due any day now so I'm grumpy and feeling out of sorts. The grumpiness only lasts a day or two, but I had to catch myself the other night as Petite hounded me with the "why" questions and general refusal to cooperate. Oh she's definitely 2, that's for sure! Anyway, with Aunt Flo on the horizon, I'm wondering about going to get that blood work done or if I will wait one more month to be certain the thyroid meds are doing their job. To be determined. There's a lot going on in the ART blogs these days, but alas, I just don't have much time to comment! We've all noticed a decline in comments in recent months (Mel discussed it in a blog entry I believe) but I'm just as guilty as anyone else. Nevertheless, I'm still here and I'm still reading. I'm particularly over the moon for Mo and Will (Life and Love in the Petri Dish) as Mo hits the halfway mark in her pregnancy. It's been a long, hellish journey for them both and I continue to keep fingers crossed as they wait, hope and wish for everything to go smoothly. Prayers and love go out to them, as always!

Take care all. I hope your summer is shaping up to be absolutely spectacular! Love to all in blogland.