Microblog Mondays: RIP to my MIL

Our dear Mel over at Stirrup Queens has begun a blog phenomenon... as she frequently does. 

Microblog Mondays. Writing in your own space. Something short and sweet. But it's meant to take back our bloggy space and call it our own. I am going to try to do this periodically. Life's hectic. So we'll see how long this lasts.

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A sad, and very difficult week in our house.

My MIL passed away last Monday afternoon, in the presence of her husband, her sister, one of her daughters, Hubby, and me.

She retired a few years ago, and had lost a significant amount of weight; I knew something was wrong but she was never fully tested. This past summer, they found a tumor and it was surgically removed, but no follow-up chemo or radiation was forthcoming. (We later found that it had been offered to her, but she turned it down. We question now whether she realized the ramifications of that particular decision. She was suffering from dementia on and off during this time because of the tumor.)

Post-op, she came home and was doing fairly well, but just before our Thanksgiving in early October, she took another turn for the worse and things went rapidly downhill from there. She was in the ICU and then transferred to a hospice. We did not expect her to live to see her 67th birthday on November 20. But she made it. She had asked Hubby for a piece of KFC and a Tim Horton's coffee a couple of days before her birthday and she enjoyed what she could eat of that... (translation: very little of either, but at least it was something).

On Monday past, November 24, 2014, my MIL's husband and a couple of the kids were to meet with the doctors at 3 p.m. to discuss her care and next steps. But that morning, Hubby's youngest sister called to verify that the meeting was still on and she was told, "Your mom's breathing has changed. Someone might want to get here sooner than 3 p.m." Hubby called me around 11:45. As soon as he told me that, I knew. You see, I've been down this road before. I knew exactly what the nurses were telling the family.

I told Hubby, "Hang up the phone. March straight to your boss' office and tell him it's an emergency. You need to leave RIGHT NOW. I will meet you there. Go." I did that as well, and I met him just before 1 p.m. at the doors to the hospice. We had barely over an hour with her; she took her last breath at 2:19 p.m. and amid tears, grief, love and pain, we said our goodbyes. Hubby and I left soon thereafter to get his youngest sister at home, and I stayed with the three young children so that his sis could go to the hospice with him. I called the funeral home and started the ball rolling from the home base. And it's been a whirlwind of a week since.

RIP Nicole. You are loved more than you can know and you will truly, truly be missed.

Our huge thanks to our friends and family who came to the celebration of her life this past Saturday; even our dear friends from Toronto (Pam and V) made the trek and we are ever so grateful. Seeing so many people there to pay their respects made it a little easier to say goodbye.

P.S. Thank you all for your sweet comments, e-mails, and thoughts on my last post about the weight loss and the negative comment I had received. You are all so very kind and I am grateful for your understanding and for your outpouring of love. (What a wonderful virtual world this is.)

Moving Right Along; the Latest and Greatest in our World. Or at least, what's keeping us busy.

So let's get up to speed, shall we? Where were we when we last left off? Oh yeah...

Ontario Election

The Ontario election has come and gone. The Liberals won a majority and that means that IVF coverage was pushed through in the budget. Now we do not know yet what that 'coverage' will look like. What will it cover? One fresh cycle only? Or frozen too? How many cycles exactly? Will it come in the form of a tax break or actual coverage up front? And for what ages? Married couples only? Singles? LGBT? What about using donor eggs? What about using donor sperm? There are a lot of parameters to decide.

Milestones

We are still feeling the loss of my baby boy, Shadow as the previous post detailed. His brother, Smudge, has certainly stepped up and tried to fill the void. He's like Velcro to me at the moment, and hates it when I leave the house. He's very attached to people and prefers to be in a room where we are, rather than by himself. But sometimes age gets the better of him and he'd just prefer to go lie down and sleep on our bed, warm and cosy in the blankets. He turned 19 on August 25. He's an old boy now, but we love him and we are keeping him as happy and comfortable as possible until his own time comes.

Petite's 5^th birthday was in August as well. Because she started kindergarten (Jardin) this year, ON her birthday no less (!), she opted to wait to celebrate her birthday in September so she could invite a few of her classmates and close friends from school. So we did that and had 14 children come to celebrate at a local indoor play park. She had an absolute blast!

We also passed the anniversary of my Aunt's passing, and just last week, we released balloons to celebrate what would have been her 80^th birthday. We still miss her so very much. She has left a definite void in our hearts.

Vacation

Over the summer, I took Petite back to The Rock to spend time with my family. We took a side detour over to NS and NB to see family there. In particular, to meet my cousin's new boy-girl twins! They were about 5 months old when we saw them and they were gorgeous! Oh my heavens! What beautiful children. My cousin and his wife did IVF as well and they hit the jackpot. She was able to carry the twins to 39 weeks before they induced her and delivered them by C-section. How very, very luck are they. And in a nod to my grandfather and my aunt, the boy's middle name is my grandfather's first name, and the girl's middle name is my aunt's first name… or the diminutive of it and the name my aunt actually preferred us to call her. I had a few dresses that my aunt had given to Petite, and I passed them on to this baby girl; she can actually wear a dress that her namesake purchased… long before she was even conceived. We are so blessed.

While at home, I managed to see my sister and my nephew too. We had such fun with them and made some wonderful memories, for kids, parents, and grandparents alike. It was a lovely holiday.

Family Grief

Right now, we are dealing with a family issue. Over the summer, my MIL complained of pain in her right side. She delayed a visit to the doctor, and when she finally got to see them, they couldn't do both tests they had hoped at the same visit, so postponed both of them for 6-8 weeks. Eventually, they found it. A growth. She needed surgery, fast, and that done, she was sent home. Apparently they knew it was cancer and told her and offered her chemo which she declined (we question now if she realized the ramifications of her choice, given her dementia at the time). She was sent home. Five weeks later, she was back in hospital with the same symptoms and still too weak, recovering from the first surgery, to undergo a second. The growth had returned, growing quickly and aggressively. She has a sarcoma and it is now systemic. It is terminal. She was in the ICU and has now been transferred to a hospice. There are good days and bad (on Sunday past, she did not awaken at all), but the doctors gave her anywhere from days to weeks left. We are visiting as much as we possibly can and trying to help the family get her affairs in order for the inevitable. It will happen; we just need to be prepared. Or as prepared as we can possibly be. The whole family is in shock and not dealing well with this terribly sad news. (By the way, if you know me personally, this is not yet public information so please do not post anything on FB or other social media about this. I would appreciate your consideration for this sensitive issue. Thank you in advance.)

VSG and Weight Loss

Now, as to my surgery and recovery… and my own accountability.

I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy performed at the Civic on February 3, 2014. Today is November 13. To date, I have lost 114 lbs. I go through long stalls -- weeks where I do not lose a pound – but I usually check my measurements or do a photo comparison (or clothing comparison) and I realize that in the stalls, I am usually losing or redistributing my body weight in other ways. It's pretty fascinating.

My operation took a mere 50 minutes and was without complication. I walked into the operating room and by the time they brought me to a semi-private room in the trauma ward to recover, I was able to get off the gurney and walk to my bed with assistance. It's a laparoscopic procedure, so I do not have a long incision, but rather I had five small incisions through which the surgeon removed approximately 85-90% of my stomach. I have a tiny sleeve of a stomach now that is about the size of a thick pen or narrow highlighter. It can hold 2-3 ounces comfortably, but much more than that makes me get the 'foamies.' That is when I start salivating quickly, as if I were going to vomit, I get lightheaded, my heart races a bit and I start to tear up at the eyes, swallowing hard to try to keep myself from being sick. I usually get up and walk it off, and after a burp/heave or two, it passes. It's happened a few times. Quite the learning curve! My new sleeve cannot handle milk very well, though cheese and yogourt are good. I am following my diet and eating protein forward, followed by veggies (only IF I have room).

In the last month or two, I've had a taste of popcorn and chocolate. I try to stay far away from the carbs to maximize my 'honeymoon' phase which can last for 12-18 months. But now and then, a taste is really nice. Much of my diet now consists of protein shakes for breakfast, some peanut butter for a snack, lunch is usually some meat or fish, a second snack of cheese or a pepperoni stick, supper would be protein with some sauce/dip to help it go down easy (e.g., hamburger patty with 1/3 cup of my homemade spaghetti sauce), and nighttime… is my downfall. I have to be very careful in the evenings. After Petite goes to bed, I tend to look for something to nibble on, more out of habit than anything else. I have found some good protein snacks but I need to be more diligent in choosing them rather than opting for a bite of sugar or carbs. Those are a dangerous, slippery slope! I do NOT want to go there!

I have had some incredible NSVs (non-scale victories) along the way. For example,

• I've gone from size 22/24 down to 10/12. I cannot recall EVER being in size 10/12 before. When I was 14, I was in size 14 as a child.
• I can cross my legs… something I've never been able to do. I can even do it on a plane!
• I can lower the table tray on a plane and still have room to move and bend; it doesn't rest on my stomach. I even had room on either side of my hips while on the plane. That's a FIRST for me in all my years of travel!
• I have oodles of room in movie theatre seats now; something that is novel. I used to lean over away from my seatmate so I didn't infringe on his/her personal space. That's hard on the back for a three-hour stretch!
• I can wear heels comfortably all day now. WOW! I was even able to buy boots with heels, off the rack at a REGULAR shoe store!!! OMG!
• I have had to readjust my seat, mirrors, armrests, etc., in my car to accommodate my new, smaller size.
• I can shop for hours and not get winded; not that I've done any shopping for myself really. My sister took me out and dressed me up but I'm sorta terrified to do it myself. I've no idea where to begin. After 30+ years of shopping at two or three stores exclusively, I do not even know what's popular anymore.
• I had to take off my wedding rings; they were falling off my fingers and I was afraid I would lose them. L
• My shoes are far too large on me. I need new ones for the most part. I never would have thought I would lose weight in my feet. But I truly have.
• My gold necklace hangs much lower on me than it should. I am loathe to shorten the chain (my parents gave me the chain, while Hubby gave me the pendant) but it looks kinda comical now.
• It hurts to sit on a hard chair. This is something I've never really experienced before but as someone who had lots of rear padding, I am really feeling my bones when I sit down on a hard surface. Ouch!
• I've lost somewhere around 65" off my body. I've not calculated it lately, but at last calculation it was 60+ inches. Pretty incredible.
• I am cold… ALL. THE. TIME. Seriously. I spent all summer freezing. I had a folded blanket on my side of the bed on top of the sheet, one blanket, and top cover. Hubby was so warm he'd kick off the bedding while I shivered. He broke down and bought me a heating pad. I think I'm in the market for a heated twin blanket actually. I cannot get warm at all and I sit in my office with a blanket over my lap and a wool sweater over my shirt. Brrr. I am officially going to FREEZE this winter. Guaranteed.
• I'm not quite as self-conscious in public anymore. As a morbidly obese person, you spend your life painfully aware that you take up too much space. And you try as much as possible to avoid shoving your mass in the face of others. It's overwhelming much of the time. It gave me a lot of anxiety. I sense that anxiety is diminishing, but it's being replaced by something else. Instead of thinking, "Oh God, I know everyone is judging me for my huge size," now I think, "Oh my, I hope no one can see the extra skin hanging (in whatever spot is visible at the time)." We definitely ARE our own worst critics. It's terrible. Body dysmorphia is a real thing, and I'm at the stage when I'm just starting to deal with it. Very hard.

There are more. Many, many more. But that's enough for now.

Lots of people have commented on my weight loss and I tell them the truth: I had surgery back in February and I've been working hard ever since. It's not easy. And I'm not done yet. I still have between 30 and 50 lbs that I would like to lose. I'm still technically obese. I want, for once in my life, to see a normal BMI, which for me means being 150 lbs or less.

I've come a long way, but this is just the beginning.

Sending Love and Birthday Wishes via Balloon

Today would have been my aunt's 78th birthday.

Petite and I released three balloons up to the heavens to send her messages of love.

We all miss her so much.

Happy Birthday Aunt B. We love you.

Comments from the Peanut Gallery

I realized I've been quiet of late. I don't know if it's because I have nothing to say, or because I have too much to say. Is it possible that it's both? You see, there's a LOT going on in our lives right now. Isn't that always the case chez nous?! But not much of it is related to infertility. And because of that, I'm not sure that this is the venue for discussing it. But then I realize that I mentioned some of these things in passing in previous posts so if you are a regular reader (I don't think I have many of those!), you may be wondering what the follow-up might be.

For posterity's sake, here's what's going on in our lives, and a quick run down of 'updates' about things I'd mentioned in older posts.

365 Blog
I am still focussing on the 365 blog, as there's not much going on in the IF world for us right now. And while I'm taking a photo a day, many days I think that I have very little reason to do so. I drop Petite off at daycare. I go to work. I pick Petite up from daycare. I go home. I do the evening/mommy routine (solo most days, because Hubby works evenings), and then I get to bed around midnight, to get up at 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. and do it all over again. So while I see some wonderful bloggers with GORGEOUS 365 blogs, mine is rather dull by comparison. There are lots of photos of Petite, but not much that is actually truly beautiful. Just moments of my life I suppose... and I expect that rare is the person who would find that interesting for a whole year! So if you do peek at that blog, understand that some days it's hard for me to find something... anything... to take a photo of for uploading. Bear with me.

LaGrande
She is still a train wreck. She has bounced from place to place, (I don't know where she is right now... probably couch-surfing with friends), continues to smoke and do drugs, dropped out of one school and eventually enrolled in another school for troubled teens (so much for graduating this year), and generally continues to use and abuse the system. She has contacted Hubby a couple of times about seeing him. She asked once to see Petite and we nixed that idea really quickly. On my birthday, she tried to call me to wish me happy birthday. Mind you, she called at 9 p.m. and later, which is definitely NOT cool when you have a little one you're trying to get to bed, and she knows we do not accept calls at that hour. I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. When Hubby arrived home at 10, and the phone rang again yet again, he answered, and she asked to speak to me to wish me Happy Birthday. No thank you; a few weeks previous, on her mother's birthday, LaGrande refused to go to dinner with her mom because her mom had refused to give her money for something. Anyway, LaGrande then said something about giving me flowers and seeing me in person, and I shook my head at Hubby; I'm simply not interested. My message to her was to give the flowers to her own mother; I don't want them. A text message to Hubby a few days later from her essentially said, "That was six months ago; can't Gil just get over it already?"

In case it hasn't been crystal clear: I have nothing to 'get over.' If you're reading this LaGrande, it's YOU who has to do the work here. You have to get your life back together. You have to be a decent, moral, upstanding person. That means no drugs. No dropping out of school. It means making an effort. It means cleaning up your act. It means apologizing profusely for the hell you put us through. It means finding and keeping a job. It means caring about other people, not just yourself and what you want, continuing down the selfish path you seem to be on. It means not gallivanting out and about all hours of the day and night with supposed 'friends' who are also doing drugs, drinking and generally up to no good; these 'friends' who are just as unable as you are right now to figure out their own lives and who are not doing a great job at trying to do or be anything in life. In general, it means being a GOOD person. When you get that through your brain (I'm estimating in about 4-6 years time) and start to make good on some of those things, then, and only then, will you be permitted to contact me and possibly be reintroduced into our lives. As you know, I don't keep company with people who do what you are doing. Plain and simple. If you stop what you are doing, then I may consider it. There's no 'getting over' what you have done and are doing. What you did has changed our relationship fundamentally; that means it will never, ever, EVER be the same. That's life. That's your choice. That's what you have done. You said you realized the ramifications of your actions and choices. I don't think you really did. It's not something you can brush aside, like a minor thing, such as, "Oh, I f*cked up on a test. Forgive me?" No. Not at all. It's so much more than that. Sooooo much more than that.

Birthday
Yes, I had my birthday. 42. You read that right. 42 years old. I don't FEEL 42. (Then again, how is 42 supposed to feel anyway?) It was a quiet day and if I were being honest with myself, I was a bit down about it all. Hubby had to work. I had to do the regular routine. I was going to bake myself a cake but I didn't have the ingredients for icing. Then I thought about baking cupcakes with the cake mix, but we didn't have enough papers (I suppose I could have greased the pan though, huh?). In the end, I stopped at a grocery store and bought a cake. Petite helped me blow out the candles. Hubby actually forgot my birthday, remembering much later in the day (probably after seeing some of my friends' Facebook birthday wishes to me) and he texted me an apology and called as well. In the evening, I didn't have much time to talk to the family members who called, because it made Petite's routine really delayed; she never got in the bath until after 8 p.m.! Not good. But we survived. I had cake. I spent my birthday alone; however, Hubby and my girlfriend K got together and we did a BBQ and ice cream cake this past weekend instead. Good enough. After all, it isn't about me anymore, now is it? :D I suppose I'd do well to remember that now and then....

IVF?
In mid-May, Hubby and I went to Montreal. I truly do not like that city, all the worse with the student protests that are ongoing. (Don't even get me started on that topic! I'll go off half-cocked!) Anyway, after meeting with our old RE, and outlining the reasons we need to be seen at MUHC rather than in Ottawa or at Montréal Reproductive, we moved things forward. We met with a nurse and we discussed a few things. I need to have another u/s to check the cysts that are visible. The one on the right is a simple, functional cyst and will likely be aspirated prior to starting meds, like we did last time. There was a complex cyst on the left. The Ottawa RE expected it to reabsorb into the body; the Montreal RE asked if there was any indication that it might be cancer... either benign or malignant. No, there was no indication of that at all, but we'll check its presence again at the next u/s. No concern at the moment about it hough. About three weeks prior to that appointment in Montreal, my GP upped my hypothyroidism medication, so I need to wait a bit to get blood work done to check those levels again; I may be able to do that this month in fact. Hubby will need another appointment in Montreal to meet with the urologist for a quick exam and to sign the permission forms for TESA/PESA. We also have to sign our consent forms for the IVF + ICSI procedure. Then our nurse presented me with a list of prescriptions and (gulp!) a tentative calendar for September cycling with ER and transfer near mid October. Dear baby Jesus. We have a Calendar. Wow.

And yet I'm terrified to go through with this and have a different outcome than we did for our first (extremely lucky!) IVF. What if they get no decent eggs? What if it doesn't work? What if it does and then I miscarry early? What if it does and I learn the baby has a trisomy? What if the baby has a life-threatening condition? What if  I lose the baby right before birth? What if the baby is stillborn? What if, what if, what if, what if... it all goes round in my head. I'm terrified. Completely terrified. But I also know that if I don't do this, I will regret it forever. It will eat at me. Nag at me. Bother me. In 10 years' time I'll think, "Gil, you should have tried. You really should have tried." I'd rather try than not. My motto remains, "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets. Alors essaye."

To top it off, Petite is now at the age when she is asking for a sibling. She had to come to Montreal with us to our appointment, so she met the RE and all that. She takes the cake though: she keeps saying she wants a brother AND a sister. And then she looks up at me and smiles this happy, expectant grin. Hoo boy! Can you imagine if we did an IVF and got twins?!

Finances
We thought Hubby would owe something like $3500 in back taxes. But we finished doing them and when all is said and done, he only owes something like $1800. Gonna take a bit to work it off, but nothing too serious. We can manage that I think. It means being very careful. I'm planning far in advance for things so we can afford the cruise that we booked for February next year, and we'll factor in this bill too. Given the IVF fees, the vacation and the back taxes, it's enough money to try to find.

Vacation
As mentioned, we have that cruise coming up in February next year. But before that, we have a week-long driving trip to NB planned to visit family. Petite keeps asking, "We go on trip today?" I keep replying, "No honey, we'll go in a few months. Don't worry. We're going on a couple of trips." She's got the wanderlust bug, just like her mommy. I love that! One of these days when she's older, I hope to be able to pick up and fly away for a quick holiday with her to Disney World, or some beach somewhere, on a mother-daughter trip. THAT would be fun. I'd love to do that.

Anyway, we have the driving trip to NB up first. Then the cruise next February. Then next July, I have to budget to get home again. It will be my graduating class' 25th reunion and I'm definitely going! It'll be wonderful to see everyone! I am looking forward to it already! (Now if I could lose 60-80 lbs by then, I'd be happy too!!!)

I'm so excited about the cruise though. I want to lie on a beach and soak up some sun, with a rum punch or fruity drink in my hand. Dip my toes in clear water. Maybe even check out the Atlantis Resort in Nassau (oh to spend a day in that waterpark! Wouldn't that be a blast!?!) or something like that. My girlfriend K wants to do an introductory scuba dive with me. I've never done that but I'd be willing to do a 30 or 40 ft dive to see the reefs. Just thinking about it makes me smile. And the kids want to explore parasailing! Good on them! It'll be so much fun. We're all very much looking forward to it after the year that we have just had.

Health
My arthritis is acting up these days. I am feeling it in my elbows and forearms. I suppose that's a side effect of my job; I'm a writer and I spend days at a keyboard, writing, editing, researching, etc. My setup is as ergonomic as it possibly can be. But as the week gets longer, and my fingers and elbows are working nonstop to do the work that needs to be done, I certainly can feel it. I'm trying to take time out during my day to get to the gym in my building and that's helping. On the days when I'm too busy to get there, I can feel it in my bones. And I know that I'll have to stop taking the arthritis medication to do the IVF cycle. Man... do I have to go back to THAT pain? Ugh. I hope the IVF works so I can get my joints loosened up with the relaxin that my body produces... if nothing else! LOL (Hey, ya gotta laugh!) 

School?!
We picked up an enrollment package to start Petite in school for September 2013; she'll be 4 years old then. Scary huh? Is it terrible that I just want to keep her a little girl in daycare? Or home with Mommy? Oh my. But we have to look ahead and so we're getting on the ball. Wow. Just. Wow.

Old Friends
An old friend, T, has gotten in touch with me again. It's good to hear from her. I'm glad she's doing well. We may try to hook up with her when we're in Montreal sometime. Her little boy is 6 months older than Petite and he's the spitting image of his dad. It would be nice to see them all again. I have missed her friendship over the last couple of years.


That's about it for now. That's enough, though. I'm PMSing these days; good ol' Aunt Flo is due any day now so I'm grumpy and feeling out of sorts. The grumpiness only lasts a day or two, but I had to catch myself the other night as Petite hounded me with the "why" questions and general refusal to cooperate. Oh she's definitely 2, that's for sure! Anyway, with Aunt Flo on the horizon, I'm wondering about going to get that blood work done or if I will wait one more month to be certain the thyroid meds are doing their job. To be determined. There's a lot going on in the ART blogs these days, but alas, I just don't have much time to comment! We've all noticed a decline in comments in recent months (Mel discussed it in a blog entry I believe) but I'm just as guilty as anyone else. Nevertheless, I'm still here and I'm still reading. I'm particularly over the moon for Mo and Will (Life and Love in the Petri Dish) as Mo hits the halfway mark in her pregnancy. It's been a long, hellish journey for them both and I continue to keep fingers crossed as they wait, hope and wish for everything to go smoothly. Prayers and love go out to them, as always!

Take care all. I hope your summer is shaping up to be absolutely spectacular! Love to all in blogland.

Odds and Ends

My head is a jumble of things. So here's an odds and ends post in points for you. That's sorta what happens when I get busy and I'm not entirely sure what to post, but life goes on and there's a whole lotta stuff going on these days.

Hubby just celebrated his 44th birthday on Sunday, April 15. This date was also the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, off the coast of my home province of Newfoundland. It was a beautiful morning so we took Petite out to a park for some fun on the swings and the slide. She had so much fun. She didn't want to go down for her afternoon nap! That evening, we went to my friend's house (yeah, she fell asleep in the car and I drove around for 40 mins while she slept). My friend made dinner for everyone, we brought dessert, and everyone had a lovely meal. It was delicious! Happy 44th Birthday honey. I know this past year hasn't been all that amazing to us, but with a little luck and some hard work, 2012-13 WILL be better. I love you. Never doubt that, even in my most bitchy PMS moments!

While at my friend's house, Hubby did his 2010 taxes (yes, he's woefully behind). Dear baby Jesus, if the figures are right, he owes about $3500. So much for the vacation we had hoped to take in February of next year... It may all go up in smoke. Crap. I was desperately hoping that we'd be able to pull that off. We were all looking forward to it but if he owes that much, I just don't see it happening. Anyway, learning that put me in a rather disheartened mood on Hubby's birthday. And that's a miserable way to be on his special day.

Added to the fun, I was PMSing pretty badly. Aunt Flo was due and every three or four months, I get PMS badly. The bloating. The moodiness. The discomfort. Aches. Pain. Swelling. It's not fun. And it just so happened that all peaked on Sunday. Ugh.

Yesterday, Petite had a bit of a runny nose. Today, she sounds stuffy and she was definitely more clingy this morning. She may very well need to be home later this week, snuggling with Mommy and Daddy instead of playing at daycare and spreading her germs.

Just as I suspected, Aunt Flo has arrived. (CD1 is today, April 17.) I called to schedule my ultrasound and follow-up appointment with the local RE, which will be on Thursday afternoon. We have an appointment booked for May to go to Montreal to determine what next steps we take, if any, given that whole 'need-to-pay-a-boatload-of-taxes' stuff. More ugh.

Thursday night, just after midnight, my parents arrive for a week-long visit. Timed perfectly to catch Petite's cold, I'm sure. (Will we repeat the visit from Hell? Stay tuned for Part Deux!)

And just to make things more fun, Petite is supposed to have her allergy testing on Saturday, the 21st. I certainly won't make her do that if she's laid up with a miserable cold though. Poor kid.

I started going back to the gym at the office. I have to work through my lunch in order to squeeze time to do it, but I've been doing it for more than a week now. I have to continue doing this, for me and for my family. I want to be here to experience Petite's life and if I don't get things under control, I fear she will lose her mom before she is ready. I have to do everything in my power to keep that from happening.

We need to make some upgrades to the house, but until the finances are in order, that can't happen either. I had hoped to purchase some stone and enlist my dad's help this weekend (weather permitting) to redo the edging on the flower bed. That may have to wait. We'll see. There's also the time factor; I simply don't know when I can go purchase these sorts of things with the schedule that I have to keep. I need to replace our pool liner (usually costs about $5K). We need to redo the backyard fence badly. I wanted to reallocate an area in the backyard for Petite to play and buy a little swing set for her. Alas, I expect that won't happen right now. It's frustrating to know that all this work needs to be done and right now, the cash flow isn't there to handle it. And how in the name of God do I expect to do another IVF? Am I insane? I just don't know.

Oh, and we had an insurance rep come to the house to discuss life insurance for Petite. I had been thinking about that for quite some time and meant to do it. Last week I got off my butt and did something about it. That eases my mind a great deal. But again, finding the money to pay for these things. Wow. It's overwhelming how much cash goes OUT of our pockets for so many things.

Easter was good, if low-key. We didn't give Petite much chocolate; she's still being rationed on the stash from Valentine's and she's only just finished what she received for Christmas! But we did get her a few little ones and hid eggs around the main floor of our home. We also got her some Easter goodies, like a skip rope, a bug barn (she's fascinated by ladybugs), an Easter book, Easter decorations for her room, bubbles for outdoors, and a few things like that. She had a whole bag of toys and fun stuff to open and play with.

For Hubby's birthday, I bought tickets for us to go see Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall. What an amazing show! We had a blast. My stepson and my friend's daughter (who are good friends themselves) babysat Petite together. They did great and it was lovely to get out for an evening with adults. I'd like some more of that sort of thing. But I suppose I have to actually find the money to do it with, right?

Petite is now MORE than adept with my iPhone! She's able to find and start up her favourite games, scroll through my photos, and take pictures of her own! I would think that for her third birthday in August, I'm going to have to get her something like an iPod and load it with her own apps, and things, and buy the kid-friendly protective holder for it. Technology huh? Well, it goes without saying that she'll be exposed to it in our house. Now to keep her from hollering for "Tom Cat!" (aka "Talking Tom Cat"every time I put her in her carseat.

Oh such wonderful news! Remember back in the fall, the whole "Win a Baby" contest on our local radio station, The New HOT 89.9? Well, this morning the third of five couples announced a pregnancy! AMAZING! So out of the five couples, three are pregnant now, and one of those three is pregnant with identical twins! The ultrasounds are really cool to see and so many people are extremely supportive of them, keeping fingers crossed and sending good wishes, all that sort of thing. Wonderful, wonderful news. How lucky they all are. Would that we could all have our IVF financed and avoid that costly, difficult step. I am sure they all know they are truly blessed.

Have a great week everyone.

Belated {This Moment}, etc.

It's late, I know, but this is a photo of Petite from last Thursday. She had her first dentist appointment (wow, I didn't know they would do a cleaning for a 2-year old!) and she did really well. Too bad it was quickly followed on Friday by a fever and discomfort. I suspect it's teething; at the dental appointment, we clearly saw her upper right eyetooth coming through her gums. Poor girl.

• Tomorrow morning I work early and take half the day off. Petite and I will head to the airport to pick up my mom and my oldest aunt. They're visiting for a week with the intent and purpose of spending as much time as possible with Petite.
  


• I picked up Hubby's birthday gift the other day. He will be 44 in April and I know he will LOVE this gift. I can't wait to tell him what it is. He'll be thrilled! I know it.
  


• A former elementary school classmate has an exhibition launch at the Museum of Science and Nature next week in Ottawa. Unrequited Death promises to be gorgeous. Helen was one of two or three fabulous artists (hmm, do you call a child at age 7 or 8 an artist? or just an excellent 'draw-er'?) in school and we always knew she would follow through and do something artistic with her life. As the show is in my hometown, and I would love to attend, Helen ensured that I got an invitation and so next Wednesday, Petite and I will be going to the Museum for a couple of hours. I'm so looking forward to it! I must remember to be home in time for Petite's bedtime though! Lest I have a cranky girl on my hands. But it will be wonderful to see Helen and her art!
  


• It looks like spring may have sprung in our corner of the world. I hope so. The snow pile on my lawn is down to a manageable level (read: I can see across the street now!) and warmer temps mean that we can leave Petite's snowsuit at home in favour of a splash suit and rainboots in the morning. My girls loves splashing in the puddles, that's for sure!
  


• In 2013, my high school will be holding a 25-year reunion. Dear God, it's been that long? Organizers are busy planning things and with luck, Hubby and I will be able to make it. That would be wonderful. The other vacation we're planning next year is somewhere warm on a beach in February. The -30 temperatures that we get here in February aren't much fun so we're going to plan to do an all-inclusive somewhere, with my girlfriend and her daughter, and my stepson too we hope. Suggestions? Anything other than Mexico or Cuba are possibilities. If you have recommendations, I'm listening!

Have a great week everyone! Enjoy your March Break!

Happy Birthday Poppy!

My dad's birthday was yesterday. He turned 71 years old. For his birthday, I didn't give him anything; there's nothing I can give him that he truly wants. Except...

Petite grabbed the phone, saying, "Wanna talk Poppy." I handed it over and listened. She chatted for a moment, answering Poppy's questions. Gently, I reminded her, "What do we need to say to Poppy today?" She looked up at me, "Happy Birthday Poppy," she said loudly into the mouthpiece.

What happened next, I couldn't even script.

She said, "Wanna sing Happy Birthday." So I said, "Let's sing it together," and I helped her get going:

"Happy Birthday... " and she was off and running singing to her Poppy, loud and strong.

I gave him a great gift after all; well, Petite did. It was such a good gift, it made him cry. That's saying something. My dad is old school; he never cries.

Except when Petite sings to him obviously.

Happy Birthday Dad. I'm so glad you had the chance to hear your granddaughter singing Happy Birthday to you and telling you how much she loves you before she kisses the phone and hands it back to me.


On a personal note, much to my surprise, this is post #401. I can't believe it's been more than five years since I've been writing here, and it's been nine years that I've focussed on infertility awareness. Time flies when you're having fun!

It Gets Better... Right?

This one is just depressive. Click away while you can. Really. I mean it.
I just needed to get some of this off my chest. And my blog is one of the best places to do that. So if you choose to keep reading, know that you were forwarned. So "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah" to you.

I'm not in the greatest of places to start off 2012. I keep saying it'll get better. I really don't know though. Honestly. I'm just sort of going through the motions in the hopes that by doing so, I'll will things to be better. Does that ever work? Personal anecdotes most welcome.

This is a thought-vomit post. Hold onto your hats:

I learned two weeks ago, right before Christmas, that our original clinic in Montreal has lowered their IVF treatment cutoff age to 43. FORTY-freakin-THREE.
Crap.
I think I'm about to miss my window of opportunity, because I turn 42 in May. Which brings me to my next statement of disbelief: When the hell did I get to be 42?? Where have the last 20 years gone? Sweet mother of baby Jesus. And here I am, terrified of tossing out anything of Petite's 'in case' we might need it. Looks like the decision is about to be taken out of my hands entirely. That saddens me. It was never what I wanted. I'm surrounded by clothing, toys, paraphenalia that I hoped to be able to use again. I don't want to part with it just yet.

Petite has been toilet trained since the week after her second birthday at the end of August. However, last week, for one day only, she deliberately peed anywhere else BUT the toilet. In fact, she screeched when we tried to get her to go to the toilet. We coaxed her and returned to our original rewards program of stickers and Smarties and that seemed to do the trick. We'll continue that for a bit. She really tested us though. In fact, she deliberately peed on one of the new dolls she'd received for Christmas. Took me two days to wash that thing properly and get the smell of urine out of it. I'm not sure why she took to doing this. Some of it I attribute to the insanity and upheaval of Christmas and lack of routine. With luck, it was just a one-day event and won't repeat itself. Keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

I've spent the better part of 2011 angry at Hubby, and by extension, some members of his family. I'm trying to stop being angry, but I'm not sure how to do that. I don't have the tools in my repertoire to attain that goal. I simply cannot stop being angry; the events that brought me to this point and have raised this anger in me have deeply affected me, our family and our life. Added to that, the resulting effects are ongoing. That makes me angry too. I'm seeing someone to try to work that out, but it isn't helping at all. It's been a few months now. I'm not getting anywhere. I need something more. Or someone else to guide me. I cannot spend 2012 like this. If I do, well... let's just say that more upheaval will be in the coming months. Upheaval that I am trying to avert and overcome.

My Christmas decorations still deck the halls in my home. I am a traditionalist; they will remain up until at least January 6. I hope to make a dent in taking them down on the 7th. No guarantees though. Hubby is working that weekend so I'm not sure how much I'll get done by myself. I know that my sister had taken hers all down and it was all stored away again on Boxing Day (December 26). What a shame. It takes so long to prepare for the holiday, and just seeing the tree and the lights gives me a sense of peace (albeit temporarily so). I can't fathom being rid of it already. I will cherish it for another week or so.

I am inexplicably tired. Not tired, as in needing sleep. But tired as in worn down. Dejected. Wondering if it's all worth it. Some days, I really don't know. Many days, it's Petite that keeps me going. Her kisses. Her hugs. Her sweet snuggles at night before bed. Those things are gold to me.

I was out to pick up some meats and cheeses for our New Year's raclette meal, and what do I see, but Valentine's chocolates on the shelves? That's insane. Really people? Is there a need to jump from one commercialized holiday to another quite that quickly? Good Lord. Let us breathe for a week, willya?! Man oh man... Friggin' ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

I have not made any New Year's Resolutions, nor will I bother to do so. Honestly, after the sh*tstorm that we endured in 2011, I'll be damn lucky just to get through 2012 in one piece. So if I'm vertical at the end of the year, that's the best I can ask for at this rate. Suffice it to say, I ended this year sadder, thinner and poorer than I entered it. I like the thinner part. The 'sadder' and 'poorer' I could certainly have done without.

We did have champagne at midnight on New Year's Eve though. In fact, it was a little bottle of Moet et Chandon that was purchased to celebrate the birth of Petite, more than two years ago. It's been in my fridge ever since, unopened. In the hospital, I was shoved from pillar to post after Petite's birth, moving rooms alone, etc., and Hubby was back and forth to the hospital and the house, with my family being there for the baby's arrival. So it got overlooked. And while I knew it was there, we just never had time nor the right occasion. With the ushering out of the miserably crappy year that 2011 was, I thought it best to pop the cork on that sucker and enjoy it, and PRAY to God that 2012 is better.

Vee has inspired me. I'd like to partake in Project 365 (well, this year it's 366; it's a leap year). I'm going to try to take one picture every day for a year. My main issue becomes publishing them. Here? To Facebook? Who can say I'll have time to do that every day this year? Who can say I'll have access to a computer or method of uploading every day? If you miss a day publishing, but you still took a photo, can you upload a few photos together? Is that in the rules somewhere? (And who makes said 'rules' anyway?!) I have two pictures already. And a bunch of ideas for the coming days and weeks.

I'm dealing with an issue at the office that is royally pissing me off. I'm not sure that I can do a damn thing about it. It's making me take a hard look at the workplace I'm in.

I wish I could be a stay-at-home-mom. I wish I had won the $50 million that was won last Friday by a local couple. I wish that my situation was different.

And even as I wish it so, I know full well that the only one who has the power to CHANGE my situation is...

... ultimately...

... me.

How Things Change

August 27, 2009... we had this beautiful little one enter our lives.

August 27, 2010, we celebrated her first birthday, and we were amazed at the changes we saw in her. She was just walking, and cruising well with the furniture to help. Here she is in her Nana's lap.

This year, August 27, 2011, we celebrated her second birthday and we are grateful for the sweet-natured, kind, loving little girl we have in our lives. Happy Birthday Petite! Mommy and Daddy (and so many other people!) love you very much!

It was a successful day I think. We had approximately 30 people attend and we had a hot, sunny day for the party too, which was good because we had a pool party and a BBQ in our backyard. We started around 3 p.m. and by 7 or 8 p.m., we were done and dinner was mostly cleaned up. After a bath for Petite, and getting her to bed (she was exhausted!) I finished tidying, took a quick dip in the pool to cool off, and then Hubby, his kids, my girlfriend K and her daughter K... and the daughter's new boyfriend all played a board game and had munchies and drinks. It was fun. We saw them out the door by 11:30 and then collapsed in bed. Whew! Fun day. Long, warm, crazy FUN day to celebrate our little girl's second birthday.

Next up will be a post about my trip home to Newfoundland and hopefully (with my sister's approval) pics of the cousins together. It was a fun visit. Far too short at a mere 11 days, but fun nonetheless. I got a couple of great shots of Petite on the beach with me at home. We managed to get down to Middle Cove for a fire and s'mores one evening. How I miss that. I really do... So much so that while at home, I went down to the provincial office and talked to some folks in HR about possibilities. As usual, there's nothing at my level there. I have to be patient I suppose.

And I was so glad yesterday to squeeze in a couple of hours for us to go have brunch with Pam and V. We only get to see each other once a year (or so) but it always seems like we've gotten together with old, dear friends when we finally manage to get together. Bless them. I am keeping fingers crossed that their upcoming FET yields the success they have been longing for.

{This Moment}

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.
A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.
A simple, special, extraordinary moment.
A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.
If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’
in the comments for all to find and see.

(Valleyview Little Animal Farm, Saturday, June 21)

By the way, we're STILL waiting for my nephew. Funnily enough, when we heard months ago that my sister's due date was in mid-May, family members said, "Oh, but if you hold on for 10 days or so, he can be born on Gil's birthday!"

My 41st birthday is tomorrow, May 28. I expect my birthday will come and go and still no nephew!

Wishing you all a wonderful weekend.

{This Moment} & Hubby's Birthday

{this moment} – A Friday ritual inspired by Finding Chaos/SouleMama.

A single photo – no words – capturing a moment from the week.

A simple, special, extraordinary moment.

A moment I want to pause, savour and remember.

If you’re inspired to do the same, leave a link to your ‘moment’

in the comments for all to find and see.

I have to confess, this particular photo was taken a couple of weeks ago. It's Petite's first hockey game. And I'm posting this one today in honour of Hubby's 43rd birthday. Happy Birthday honey. Baby girl and I love you and we're so lucky to have you.

A Post in Points

My brain is scattered this week. So I guess this post will be pretty scattered too. No, I won't apologize for that; it is my blog after all and as such, I get to say what I want here. Deal.

• I'm frustrated with the program that Hubby is doing at school. Well, not with that program specifically, but with the lack of information from Service Canada about Hubby's Employment Insurance claims. Every time he calls for info (and that's been repeatedly during the summer!) he gets a different story. It's maddening. And right now, they've stopped all payments to his account, hus I'm budgeting extremely carefully. Right down to the dollar in fact. And remember, Petite's in daycare so we have to make sure that gets paid of course! That's a must!
  
  
• My right foot is in an aircast. On June 12, I injured my right heel; it was swollen and painful and there was a bump at the back of my heel. After a week, I went to see my GP. She diagnosed bursitis and told me that wearing open-backed shoes would help, physio would help, ice and rest would help and here... take these anti-inflammatory meds for 10 days. A month later, still in pain, I returned to her. She examined me again and said that now, there's an Achilles tendon problem as well. This time, she told me to wear shoes with heels. And here's a different anti-inflammatory but it probably won't do anything if the first one didn't. More rest, get that physio, etc. I sorta shook my head in disbelief. All along, I'm trying to walk and stretch it out, give it some rest (when I can; remember I drive 1 hour to work each way, and need that foot to drive) but the pain is still ever-present. Fast forward: Tuesday past. I went to a walk hobble-in clinic and talked to another doctor. I wanted X-rays to make sure the bone wasn't chipped or fractured. X-rays done the doc beckons me back to a room. "This is a chronic injury. You have a severely compromised and fragile Achilles tendon and now a bone spur." Ugh. He recommended physio, rest, ice, crutches and/or a walking air cast. Rest and ice I can do in spurts at home. Crutches... no. I have a one-year old. Physio... no. (See the above paragraph about my careful budgeting.) An air cast it is. He figures I'll need at least 3 weeks in it to properly rest the tendo and give it the healing time it needs. Not fun.
  
  
• Tomorrow, September 18, 2010 is one to be marked in my family. My sister turns 39 (whoop it up now sis, your time is coming too!) and my parents will celebrate 45 years together. They didn't want to do anything special to celebrate really. I figure my sis and I have five years to plan for the big celebration! Regardless, it's wonderful that they're able to celebrate so many years together. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! And Happy 39th Little Sis! I love you all so very much and I wish I could be closer to celebrate with you in person.
  
  
• This morning, on my way to work, a wolf ran across the road in front of me. I don't think it was a coyote; I'm not entirely sure though. I suppose it could have been. I saw it at a point along the backroads that I drive, where the leaves have begun to fall from the trees and the brush isn't quite as thick. The weather has certainly turned colder in the last week or two. We roasted all summer long and now with the change of seasons, my thoughts turn to other things. Cozy sweaters and warm, wool scarves. Thick stews and homemade soups. Thanksgiving on the horizon on October 11 (it's earlier in Canada, because obviously our harvest season is earlier, being further north). Our tradition of going to Saunders Farm with the kids and friends for Halloween. Preparing for my mom and aunt's arrival mid-October. Closing up the pool, which we definitely need to do ASAP. Covering our shrubs and taking in the patio furniture. Getting ready for when the snow flies all around. And then Christmas, and where, oh where are we going to put the Christmas tree this year!!?? Eeek! Petite will have it torn apart! I think I'm going to have to rearrange the living room for the holidays.
  
  
• My thoughts are also with Vee as the thinks about whether she ought to downsize and move to be closer to her family. Given my last post, obviously I understand where she's coming from. As Bea said in Vee's comments, there are lots of types of support, emotional and practical. And sometimes we just need to have physical closeness to the important people in our lives. Oh I hear that loud and clear! I can relate. I hope whatever decision Vee makes, she gets the support that she needs. Obviously she's far from me so I can't help her with that type of support either. But I am definitely thinking of her and I know she'll do whatever is right for her and Bubbaboo.
  
  
• Also thinking of Holly who contacted me by e-mail. She's about 15 weeks along and dealing with a subchorionic bleed and a high risk for Down Syndrome (1:155 I think. Don't quote me.) She was asking me about how I determined I wanted the amniocentesis (my ratio was 1:75 if you remember) and what ratio I, personally, would have been comfortable with. She and her husband are grappling with that question right now and she, like me, is terrified of having the amnio and losing her baby in the process. I can certainly relate. I hope she and her husband make the right decision for them, whatever it might be. And something that helped me is... will knowing the result determine your course of action? That's the one question that kept me going. And holding the pic of Petite in my hand as the procedure was done. Sure I cried all the way through it. But we made it. And I am sure Holly could get through it too. Sending hugs Holly; I'll reply to your last e-mail in a day or so. Promise.
  
  
• And my heart aches for Sprogblogger. Oh, how I cried this morning as I read her post. She is due to have her baby on September 18. And her due date is the same day that her brother will bury his son, her nephew. And she is heartbroken that she cannot be there for her family on the other side of the country right now as they mourn such a terrible loss. The sweet little boy, a mere four years old (and autistic) climbed over a supposedly childproof fence and fell into the backyard swimming pool. Sprogblogger's brother gave his son CPR until paramedics arrived, and the doctors thought he might pull through. Alas... as she writes, "in the end, his little body had just been through too much. They let him go yesterday, surrounded by family and friends, held tight in the arms of his father and mother." I cried and cried. And I am reminded of my own mother's intense fears surrounding the fact that we too have a pool in our backyard. While I do my utmost to protect Petite (obviously), accidents CAN happen. Honestly, I couldn't fathom something like that happening; I don't know if I would get through it. Please God, I'll never have to find out if I would. It does scare me. But I can only do my absolute best to ensure that Petite is safe. Sure it worries me. Maybe after Hubby finishes his education, we'll be living elsewhere anyway. Regardless, today Sprogblogger is mourning the senseless loss of her little nephew. Go show her some love and let her know you care.
  
  
• Irritation is at an all-time high at my office. I won't get into details. Suffice it to say, some people are incompetent. Others are downright rude. And I have to say, some others are engaging in what I would term as harrassment (but you might not). Not cool. Not cool at all. I continue to keep my eyes open for other opportunities, specifically at home. Wouldn't that be nice? Ah, pipe dreams my friends. However, I get my work done and do my day and try to stay away from the D.R.A.M.A. And when needed, I point to the trusty sign on my wall to remind people that "A lack of preparation on your behalf does not constitute an emergency on mine."
  
  
• Early in December, I'd like to go see Great Big Sea. They're coming as part of the tour to promote "Safe Upon The Shore" (thank you to my Aunt B who bought it for us while I was home this summer). Must try to find a babysitter for that if we can swing it to budget in the cost of the tickets.
  
  
• Petite is still loving daycare. We're lucky she enjoys it so much! I need to try to find some waterproof splash pants and such for her. Her jeans and pants are getting damp with the cooler weather because she frequently ends up on her bum! On October 8, our caregiver would like to extend her Thanksgiving weekend and go out of town to watch her older son play hockey. I'll probably take a day off and extend my Thanksgiving weekend too so I can spend it with Petite.
  
  
• And would you believe that my Blogoversary is coming up next week on the 23rd? Four years. For four years I've been blogging about infertility and our personal journey. How things have changed. And yet they stay the same; now I'm wondering if we ought to try for a sibling for Petite. Do we dare?! Eeek. Time will tell.
  

Scattered much? You bet. That's life at the moment I'm afraid. I hope you and yours have a wonderful weekend. Signing off for now.

One Year Ago Today...

... our quest was fulfilled.

One year ago, Petite came into our lives (after a long 45 hours between my water breaking and her début!).

One year ago, our lives changed.

Forever.

On Wednesday past, we took her for her 12-month appointment. She is 9.98 kg (just shy of 22 lbs; I thought she was about 24 actually!), and 76 cms (29"). She is firmly in the 50th percentile and that's absolutely perfect. She's walking/running around the house. It's amazing. She gets so extremely excited when she tries to play with the cats or when we play 'chase' with her that she'll lose motor control, dissolving into fits of giggling laughter!

In the food department

She has almost completely made the switch to homogenized milk (3.5%); we only have a little bit of formula left so we'll use it up instead of wasting it. She prefers smooth foods to chunky solids still (she still only has two teeth!) so we give her cereals and some pureed stuff to make sure she has the nutrition she needs, and she sits with us at the table in her high chair and has finger foods afterwards. She's tried lots of solids though: pineapple, apples, grapes (cut of course), blueberries, all types of melon. She's like her Nana and big (half-) brother and loves crackers, toast, macaroni or anything carb-related! She loves carrots and peas, squash and some corn. She likes chicken better than beef, but sort of enjoyed some ground beef that she attempted. She loves to gnaw on pizza crusts. She guzzles water like crazy, but hates juices and will usually only take milk from someone else; she doesn't like to hold her milk bottle at all!

In the motor skills area

She loves turning pages of a book (backwards, forwards, sideways, any way at all!). She likes her stacking cups and cups in general and puts things in and out of them easily. She deftly picks up a tuft of cat fur and comes to me with it and I say "Ta ta / Merci" as she hands it to me for disposal. (Ha, great vacuum cleaner huh?) She loves to pull all the toys out of her toybox; alas, she refuses to put them back again. Rather destructive of her, isn't it? She loves soft blankets and cuddly, plush toys, burying her face in them with a huge smile when she gets one in her hands. She will dance to any sort of music at all, even music on TV commercials, wiggling her bum and moving up and down when she hears a tune. She mastered using a straw-style sippy cup while we were visiting my family and she likes that style of cup better than anything else now. However, when she's had enough, FLING! The cup goes flying onto the floor. We're trying to teach her to simply set it down, but so far, that lesson hasn't been learned. She loves water and the bath but I wish she wouldn't try to drink it every night! (And the one time she had an 'accident' in the bath, she subsequently tried to reach out and play with it! I quickly put the kaibosh on that! That's icky! Ewww!)

Petite's Personality

She's open and outgoing. She smiles at EVERYONE when we're out and strangers stop us frequently to tell us how cute she is. She is inquisitive, picking at every little button and knob she can get at. She even tries to reach for the garbage can through the rails of the baby gate, just to see how it opens! She is extremely active, never content to just sit and cuddle for long, as there's always something she wants to do! She loves the outdoors and animals, though big dogs sometimes scare her. She's happy, smiles a lot and loves to be with people in general. She enjoys seeing other little children; I know that people her own size fascinate her!

First Words?

I think (with a real emphasis on think) that she's saying a few words. It's odd, because what are regular syllables that she's been practising for months now have morphed into words here and there. Yesterday, while I was at work, she was upset about something and Hubby couldn't soothe her. She repeated, "Mama" over and over and was visibly elated when I came home, so we know it was a word in context rather than just the repetition of syllables. She will say "Dada" and "tickle" (though I think it's more like "tico" but it sounds darn close!). She is trying to say "meow-meow" too, again, stemming from her love of the cats.

And as for me, I'm back at work. I went back to the office on Monday, August 23. It's hard. Oh dear Lord, it's oh so hard to kiss her goodbye in the morning. I've had to change my office hours to accommodate the caregiver's open/close times and that means I'm battling with traffic more than I used to. Not fun. But I'll deal with it.

She's still at home with Hubby for the moment. She starts at the caregiver's on Tuesday, September 7. We've been there a number of times and the last time we went, she even took an hour-long nap in the pack-and-play there. She's comfortable with the caregiver (whew!) and honestly, so am I.

She has learned so many things in the last year. It's incredible to watch an infant grow and develop. I am amazed. And grateful. And so very blessed.

Happy Birthday Petite! May you have many, many more!

Sleeping in my own bed is a novelty.

My my, but time flies. In less than a week, Petite will be 11 months old; it feels like I blinked and a year went POOF! What the heck happened? July has been a total whirlwind of activity.

The 2nd was a rough day; Petite was teething. I was supposed to go watch a friend's son at his lacrosse game but it just didn't happen because of Petite being so very out of sorts. A bit of pain medication and a bottle and she took an extra long nap, which was sorely needed by the time she went down.

On the 8th, we spent a few hours at a friend's house. T just had a baby boy and before he gets too big, we really wanted to see him and T's little girl as well. Unfortunately Petite won't be able to attend the little girl's upcoming birthday party. I wish we were going to be here for that, it would be fun. We'll have to hope that she can come to Petite's party in August. Anyway, it was a lovely few hours to spend with T, her mom and both of her children. Petite had fun seeing new toys and experiencing someone else's house for a bit!

On the 9th, we spent the morning at the caregiver's house with the other children there. That was fun too; Petite was able to sit and play a bit with them, but obviously she's the youngest there so she can't quite do everything that they do yet. She'll get there. It was a great opportunity for Petite to spend time with the caregiver and get used to being there; my return to work is fast approaching much to my disgust. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working and all. But I hate the thought of leaving my little girl in the arms of someone else for five days straight when all I get is a couple of hours in the evening to spend with her before she goes to bed. It's not going to be easy on me at all. That's for sure. How do moms do it? I dunno. I guess I gotta figure that out though, right? Ugh. Talk about pulling at my heartstrings...

Starting on the 12th, we took a five-day driving trip to New Brunswick to see family members; three or four of whom hadn't yet met Petite but were eager to get hugs and kisses from our little sweetie. And it was a wonderful trip. I had the opportunity to see my cousin who lives out west (he's an RCMP officer) and he brought his fiancée home (she too is an officer). Family flew up and drove up to get together. One night at dinner, there were 11 of us. So absolutely wonderful to see them all... and all in the one place. Hopefully when the wedding is held next year out west, we can all do it again, and more will be able to join us.

For Petite, it was a journey that was full of firsts: first car trip (of any substantial distance), first night in a hotel, first night sleeping in the travel pack-and-play that we have, first time to meet said family members, etc. It was loads of fun and she did really well. Although I have to say that by the time we finally got back home, she was none too pleased with her car seat and I was glad to have a break from having to strap her into it... yet again!

We returned home on the 17th from that jaunt to the East Coast and then after two glorious nights in our own beds, turned right around and last week, we spent five days and four nights in the great outdoors. Tent camping with an infant... now THAT'S a blast and a half!!

We went with our good friends, K and her daughter K, and Hubby's two teenaged children. The seven of us went camping in a provincial park in Quebec and we loved it! It was hot on our first full day though, and of course Petite was out of her element entirely so she was not herself. By the second full day she found her groove though and was more comfortable, eating and drinking normally and sleeping better as well. We had some amazing experiences on the trip. Marshmallows and S'mores over the campfire at night. Scattering peanuts to attract the chipmunks and instead seeing a family of baby racoons and their mom come to our site to feed. Watching an incredible lightshow of thunder and lightning in the distance, after it had passed over us... it lasted almost 4 hours in total. Canoeing on the lake with my friend, and then with Hubby. Swimming in that same lake, and then taking Petite swimming at another lake close by with a sandy bottom; she loved it! Letting Petite try campfire toast and also pancakes (she enjoyed both, by the way). Watching the sky at night, and seeing a falling star. Trading stories with the kids and my friend one afternoon, snacking on munchies and letting Petite nap beside us in her pack-and-play. We returned yesterday, and today, I'm up to my eyeballs in washing. Every stitch that we brought smells of woodsmoke! Lovely when you're in the great Canadian wilderness, not so hot when you're at the shopping mall!

An update on another topic:
We did get a new car seat for Petite; it's the First Years True Fit (Rebound) car seat. We'd debated between the Safety 1st Complete Air or the Britax Boulevard seats, but when we got a good look at the True Fit, and after talking to a reliable source about all three models, we selected the True Fit and we're really pleased with it. I expect I'll be taking it home with me when I fly to Newfoundland in a few days' time just so I can ensure that I have a good, reliable car seat with me on the trip.

Yes indeed, another trip. Petite and I leave on Tuesday (her 11-month birthday) to fly to see my family for three weeks. It'll be the first time since January that my dad (Poppy in this blog) will see her. Nana (my mom) has come to see her on a couple of occasions since January so it won't be such a shock for her, but Poppy will see a huge difference in Petite between her development at 4 months and now at 11 months. What a change! While we're there, we'll have her one-year photos done, complete with a cake smash, and hopefully we'll be able to drive to the bay where my mom grew up and visit family and friends out there who've never met Petite either.

I am sure it sounds a tad morbid, but you know, I would love... really really LOVE to take her to my maternal grandparents' gravesite and "show" her to them. I was very close with my mom's parents and a beautiful photo of them hangs in my home. I know they would have loved to meet Petite and they would have been spectacular great-grandparents to her. I wish Petite could have that. In any case, when we go 'around the bay' to my mom's home, I usually find a few moments to spend at my grandparents' graves, just to connect with them again and remind them how much I miss them. I hope I can bring Petite there and let them meet her. Does that sound silly? Stupid? Insane? I don't know. To me, it sounds right. But then again, I'm a sentimental fool sometimes. One of my quirks I guess. What do you think? Should I take her there? Or is it best avoided? What would you do?

As for her development: Petite is cruising with ease (aka furniture walking as Hubby calls it). She is pulling herself to a standing position, both using furniture and using nothing at all! She rocks in place, sort of bouncing when she hears music of any sort (I sing to her all the time). And all of this lead to her taking her first single step on July 9. Just one step mind you, but she did it before flopping down on her bottom. We were so pleased to see it! She did it again while we were on our driving trip to NB as well: we were stopped at a rest area to let her stretch her legs and she was extremely engrossed by other little children. Barefoot in the grass, she took a hesitant step forward before she wobbled and plopped down.

She's experimenting with solid food too. Last night, she had chicken and peas for dinner. Tonight, she had whole milk in her own cup (rather than desperately sneaking some of the 1% milk from us!), peas, and some Cheerios. I expect she's well on the road to solids now so I'm going to have to figure out what she will eat and can eat until a few more teeth come in. She still only has two, but she's doing okay with those already!

She loves the water but I wish I could get her to stay sitting for her baths! Why is it that Hubby has no problem when he bathes her? Argh! It's like pulling teeth to get her to stay on her bottom instead of pulling at me to stand up!

Her syllables are getting more complex and she's able to repeat sounds. We've had her saying "Ma ma ma ma" and "Da da da da" as well as "Na na na na," "no no no no" (she picked that one up quickly!) and she tries to repeat "tickle tickle tickle" with a LOT of success! She knows many words in both French and English and boy, does she love her books! Then again, she loves trying to grab for the phone or the remote, or Daddy's electronics, so I'm not sure if she'll take after me or Hubby! The things that are yet to uncover... it's all so incredible.

And every day I remain awestruck that we have been so blessed. For there are many who would give much to walk in my shoes.

The post in which I admit I'm old. But old is good.

I still haven't done my "What IF" post. I need to sit down and get cracking with that. It's late, sure, but it's still ruminating in my head. There are so many of the "what IFs" that apply to me, it's sort of overwhelming, but I need to address them for my own peace of mind.

Petite has hit the 9-month mark. I can't believe we've gotten this far. (Will I ever stop saying that?) At the doc's last week, one day after her 9-month birthday, she weighed 19.5 pounds, and measured 27.5 inches. She's got lots of strawberry blonde hair coming in, and it's starting to flatten out the stand-up style hairdo she's had since she was tiny. Everyone comments on her hair! Strangers stop us in all sorts of places to tell us they love her hair, or how cute she is, or whatever. It's nice to hear those sorts of comments. We know she's cute, but we're kinda biased, yanno. Petite is crawling like crazy (we put up two gates on the main floor of our house). She's skilled at pulling herself to a standing position and cruising around the room using the furniture (i.e., walking while holding onto the sofa, ottoman, etc.). She is obsessed with catching the "meow-meows" and grabbing fistfuls of fur. She giggles fiercely when you play peekaboo with her. She loves books and soft toys. She enjoys outings like nobody's business. She has had her first swim in our pool, given that our weather is really warm these days. She loves blueberry dessert and yogourt. We've given her the chicken and vegetable dinner and beef and macaroni dinner too and she likes that. Although in the last three or four days, she's off her food because she's finally teething! The doc can see the little white bumps in her lower gums and figures that within a few weeks the two front teeth will make an appearance. It'll be the end of the gummy broad smile I've come to know and love and it'll mark a milestone in her development. And that means that Nana can forget the whole "We're going to have to get her dentures" thing! I still can't believe all this time has gone by!

My birthday was last week, a milestone birthday too. Forty years old. I'm not really 40, am I? Seriously? In my head, I'm still 16! (Okay, okay... 23. Cause I can drive, vote, have a good drink and all that good stuff.) But the years between my time in Japan and now have just FLOWN by. I dunno where it all went! It's incredible. But you know something? 40 is good. I'm blessed beyond belief. I have a roof over my head. I have two cars in the driveway. I have a good job that pays relatively well. I have a wonderful, caring, loving family. I have a husband that is too good to me; I don't know if I deserve him. I have an adorable sweet angel of a daughter. I have a great friend who offered to babysit for a few hours on my birthday so hubby and I could get out for a meal together, alone. (It was the first time Petite had a babysitter and she did great! Most likely because she knows this friend of mine pretty well.) I even have a friend who stopped by on my birthday with a card and flowers, since we didn't hold any sort of party or anything to celebrate (funds are tight with hubby in school so we plan very carefully these days).

For my birthday, I received cash from most of my family, which is always a nice gift! I got a couple of gift certificates to my favourite spa; I see a pedicure in my future! I got a sweet little pin from Petite, a Motherhood Angel pin. It depicts a mother in angel form and child in her arms, face to face. And my mom and hubby picked up a card from Petite for me, and hubby held her hand and helped her "sign" her name! It's too sweet. It's a keeper for sure. I also got to see my mom and my sister and that was wonderful! It's the first time I've seen my sister since Petite was one-month old. So she saw lots of changes in the baby.

And one other thing I got for my birthday/Mother's Day this year. Hubby bought a ring for me. A peridot ring with diamond accents. Those are Petite's and hubby's birthstones. I retired the emerald that has been on my right hand since I was 22 years old. For my 40th, there's something bigger and better than me; it's my family. And I'm so very happy to be where I am right now.

Upcoming stuff:

• A trip to the east coast to see my cousin, aunt and uncle. (My cousin called me last night actually; he got engaged this past weekend!)
• Also, a camping trip with my stepchildren, our friends and of course, Petite. If you have tips for camping with an infant, I'm all ears!
• A trip home in July/August for me and Petite, and maybe a bit of an early celebration for her birthday while we're there.
• And of course, the transition to daycare. Ohhh, now that's gonna hurt me more than it does Petite!

Before I sign off, a shout out to my girlfriend and her daughter, the people that just babysat Petite last week for us. These people are K and her daughter K. I've known them for 12 years or so. Last week, they got their black belts in TaeKwon-Do. My friend K conquered cancer a couple of years ago and of course had put her training on hold during her time in treatment and when she was ill. Little K also took time off to help her mom around the house and together, they got through a very difficult time. They ought to be very proud of this accomplishment and I was so happy to be there to watch the awarding ceremony. Congrats to both of you! Job well done!

Love to you all in blogland!