Friday, October 13, 2006

Husband's Insight.

How does one who already has kids, look at trying to get his second wife pregnant? That has always been a question that my wife has thrown at me, seeing as I view getting her pregnant differently. My wife feels that because I have two kids from a previous marriage I don't think this has as much importance, or that it's not a huge priority.

I think she is right. I do feel that this is not an urgent priority. But, I think it's important. The reasons are different though. For me, it's important because it's something that my wife wants. We had a lot of discussions before we agreed to go ahead and try for kids. I even had surgery to reverse my vasectomy, unfortunatly with negative results.

Do I want kids? The answer to this is two-fold. I want kids with my wife, but I would not want to have kids with anyone else (if I had been in any other relationship, for example). The reason is that with my ex-wife, I ended up doing a lot of the work. I did the cooking before she got pregnant, but after she got pregnant, she stopped doing even the cleaning. Her usual excuse was she was tired. Well, after two years that didn't changed, and I ended up doing most of the things myself. I got up in the middle of the night to feed my daughter, I am the one who gave her a bath, and so on and so forth. I know that with my current wife, that is not a concern at all. I know how she is. With my ex-wife, it was not a surprise.

My concerns for my current wife may be different than hers when it comes to her getting pregnant. My concerns are for her health, gaining weight after getting pregnant, and her getting Type 2 diabetes because of her pregnancy.

I know my wife also has concerns about how I don't make an effort to be closer with my kids, or that when we had them for over eight months and my ex-wife took them back I did not fight for them. The latter was due to financial constraints. The former is because I was really close to my kids, and when I broke up with my ex-wife, not seeing them and having to move away from them was really hard on me. It was actually harder to move away from them than it was to move away from her. So I don't get as close to my kids because I don't want to be hurt like that again. My wife found herself out how much it can hurt; when the kids moved in with us she did the same thing. She got close. When my ex took them back, my wife took it hard.

Because of this, she feels that I will be the same with a new child. I know I will not. But that is something I have no way to prove to her.

Hope this makes sense to you folks. I, unlike my wife, am not a writer.


Marc441 said...

Gil and DJL, I've just heard about your blog and read thru it. I knew you were trying to get pregnant but never realized about all of the heartaches that go along with that. Wishing you the best of luck and a speedy conception. This isn't really the type a things friends can help a lot with but if you ever do need anything or someone to talk to, you know where we are. Marc (and Mary)

Gil said...

Thanks Marc, and Mary too! As you can see in this blog, it isn't an easy road we're on and each new turn and pothole means we have to find a detour and then get back on the road.

Talking with friends is good; burdening them is not. So while we keep our friends up-to-date, the info in here will be oh-so-much-more detailed! As long as you're good with that feel free to bookmark this blog and come along for the ride. We need as much support as people are willing to give us. And thank you. It means a lot to me. *hugs*