Monday, October 02, 2006

Random Thoughts that Clutter my Brain

So, it's CD8. And I sit here with all sorts of thoughts running through my brain.

-- Will this month work?
-- Why was my menses so short last week? *scratches head*
-- What will the ultrasound tomorrow show?
-- Did I even have a normal cycle?
-- Is it early menopause? *wide eyed*
-- We know I ovulated so it wasn't an annovulatory cycle...
-- It's 10/2 and I did the POAS thing this morning: negative. Thanks WS for your hope and thoughts anyway.
-- Is it the metformin and PCOS that is yielding a false negative, like the pharmacist said it might? *clings to hope*
-- Am I totally out of my mind and overthinking all of this and worrying for nothing?

I need to relax. To put all this out of my head. To get away.

The irony of it all though, is that I can't "just relax" or "take a vacation and it will happen" as so many well-meaning individuals counsel us to do. In order for me to get pregnant, we HAVE to do it using ART methods. There is absolutely zero chance of a pregnancy happening on its own, given the vasectomy/failed reversal history. So we live in two-week cycles of "Damn, it didn't work" and "There's hope cause we're in the 2 week wait," (between the IUI and the POAS date).

So I try to keep my sanity as the seasons march onward. I attempt to smile and be happy for friends and acquaintances who joyfully announce their pregnancies. I even try to hide my tears from my husband. I know he cares so much, yet a part of him doesn't quite seem to "get it" because he already has two children. He's done the pregnancy/birth/childhood thing with his ex. For me, this is my first and only shot at having a family; I'm not getting any younger, God knows.

And I can't even contemplate yet what I'll do if I can't have children of my own. That's too painful to think about yet.

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