Doubts

I don't know what to do or where to turn at the moment. I feel like I've been emotionally beaten and torn down. And that doesn't happen often to me, but when it does, it's severe.

Last week, my husband talked to me about a recent discussion that is apparently happening on the donor dads forums. While I'm sure many men discuss various topics -- just as we do, ladies -- the particular topic he mentioned was "pressure" and how some men feel pressured by their wives to use a donor. My husband told me that he sometimes feels that I am pressuring him to use a donor, and that I'm pressuring him to have more children. (As a reminder to my readers, I don't have any children, but he has two from a previous marriage, who live with their mom. He sees them every second weekend.)

Pressure. Hmm. Fair enough. I see his point. I do want children. I don't know how to quell that desire; in many respects it's a basic human function and need, much like food, water, love, etc. The need to procreate and pass on family history and traditions from generation to generation. Yes, there's some level of pressure there. In his view, there are two levels of pressure: (1) to use a donor and (2) to have children at all.

Using a donor
Okay, let's examine this one. If we didn't use a donor (saving us thousands of dollars), we would have to do IVF-ICSI. To do this, he would have to have surgery, and he had indicated he didn't want to do that. I would have to undergo a much more intense protocol of medications, injections and monitoring. We would come close to depleting our savings and likely still have to take out a personal loan. And of course, there is the travel to and from the clinic, necessitating overnight stays in Montréal (possibly more expenses). Remind me again... wasn't it he who pushed for a donor in the first place because he didn't want any of that? He was fine with using a donor? Remember that? What is this 180 degree turn? I don't get it. I just don't.

Having children for the second time
My husband has two children who are now 12 and 11. And he's unsure now at his age if he's ready to tackle that again. The midnight feedings. The diaper changes. The whole parenting routine. He's done it and he had originally thought that he was finished with that stage of his life. But where does that leave us? When we talked about this, he said he understood where I was coming from and he would be willing to have children with me. He said he wanted to bring a child into our lives to share our home, our love, our world. But now he doesn't? What happened? Or has he actually thought that through? Has he simply returned to his old way of thinking because it is what he was used to? Old habits die hard? I don't know. Again, I just don't get it.

I don't want to resent my husband; that isn't fair. Let's be honest: I went into this relationship knowing that he had had a vasectomy and that he'd had two children and he wasn't expecting to have any more. Since we met in 2000, his mindset seemed to have changed. He said that he wanted to have a baby. And suddenly, now he doesn't? *scratches head* So, in effect, my husband is preventing me from becoming a mother. Nice to know I'm being limited in my life's parameters and goals. Sorry. /snarky attitude off

Now you take those two ingredients and mix them with the following:
He asked, "How many times do you want to try donor sperm before we give up?" Huh? How can you expect me to answer that right off the top of my head? I can't. Good God, we've only tried donor inseminations once so far! Give it a chance man! And to come up with a number like that, just off the cuff, I can't do that. Besides, the number of attempts would be decided in collaboration with our RE, and since we're on a TTC break for one more month, I haven't been in touch with the RE's office. He hasn't had any input here yet. So to ask me on the fly to make a snap decision on how many times we try with donor sperm before we give up is a little unreasonable. It seemed to me like he was willing to give up there and then.

If I give up donor sperm IUIs, then what? Do I let my dream of motherhood die? Do I try to get it through my head and my heart that I am never going to be a mom? How do I live with myself? How do I go on? What goals do I set for my life if I don't have that one? I've no idea. I don't know if I can go down that particular path of IF. Tears well in my eyes just writing that.

Yes, I am resenting him right now. It's making me question many things in my life at the moment. So much for having a lovely visit with my mom and aunt. I've not been fit to live with and it isn't their fault at all.

I'm still trying to figure out my next course of action. But at the moment, I don't have any idea on how to proceed, if I proceed at all.