Friday, November 16, 2007

I need a virtual bar. Now.

I'm getting back in the swing of things at the office following my return from Newfoundland. It was lovely to see the folks and to spend time at Cape Spear, go to Middle Cove, have proper fish and chips, and all that good stuff. Of course, it's also accompanied by the recognition of changes in my family each time I go home now. Seeing my mom and dad get older. Watching them try to do the things that used to come so easily and quickly... and now things take time. Seeing them slow down is tough I guess. I mean, realistically you know it has to happen, but you always hope you can prolong it. Just a little more. Hope that you don't have to see it in YOUR parents... that sort of thing. In the last few years, I've debated moving back home. I haven't ruled it out yet, but you can be certain there are no opportunities for IUI or IVF in Newfoundland. The closest in Nova Scotia, and that would be rather costly on a repeated basis. That's for sure.

Back here in Canada's capital, it's downright chilly today. Yesterday hubby and I hung the Christmas lights. No, they're not turned on, but they're up! It's so much easier to put them up when it isn't -5 outside! Brrr! Would you believe I saw my first snowflakes of the season today? Winter's coming fast! And here I am with NOT ONE CHRISTMAS CARD DONE! I'd better get a move on.

In the office this week, I talked with one of my co-workers. He and his wife (she's my age, 37) have been married for quite awhile. They had decided before getting married that they weren't going to have a family. Well, as they grow a little older, they are rethinking that plan. But his wife still doesn't want/need to experience the whole "being P" thing. So they are looking into adoption with the Children's Aid Society. They've been to an information session and have the package of documents that they now have to fill out. They're considering taking a sibling pair, either same or opposite sex. I would like to pick his brain a little more (in private) about how the process works and more to the point, how did they, as a couple, come to that decision. What fears and concerns did they have and how did they resolve them before getting to that point?

I've been asked (as many of us have), "Well, why don't you just adopt? There are so many children in the world looking for a home." I don't know why we haven't looked into it. Something tells me it isn't our route. I can't explain it really; but it's just not calling to me. It's not something I can see myself doing, but again, I don't know why exactly. Very hard to explain. And very hard to understand. And if I can't understand it myself, then what is stopping me at all? Tough questions. I dunno if I have the answers.

And where are we with the IVF stuff? Nowhere. Not at all. I haven't made any decisions. I haven't gone for bloodwork. I haven't thought about "what next" because it scares the bejeesus outta me. I am so afraid to take that next step. You cannot imagine. (Okay, maybe some of you can. But right now, it seems overwhelming and immense to me.) If I make the decision to try, and fail, I will be devastated, with little support around me. If I make the decision to not try, it's a 50-50 thought: part of me will regret and always say, "I should have tried it" and the other part of me can justify it and say, "So it could theoretically have worked (and thus I'm not a total failure)." That is huge in my mind for some reason. Why? I don't know. But it's immense.

I'll tell you what's immense: hubby and I are going to a girlfriend's 30th birthday party tomorrow. Said girlfriend, myself, and one or two others who will be there are in the IF boat and have tried IUI more than once with no success. We're on the rollercoaster. Still. And yet, tomorrow evening, one of my former co-workers and her husband will be in attendance... accompanied by their six-week old infant.

Now I know it isn't fair to the new parents to ask them to leave such a young child at home. And rationally, I know it's silly of me to want to avoid this new young family. But I do. Yet I WANT to go to my girlfriend's party! Dammit, I do NOT want this to control my life. But it seems to, far too often. I talked to my girlfriend tonight (she and her husband made sure I was aware this infant would be there, God love them for their sensitivity and knowing I need to be prepared). I told her that hubby and I would be there, and the duration of our stay would really depend on how I felt and how well I would be able to handle it all. She understands, of course. I just hate that my brain stops to dwell on this at all. "Normal" people don't think twice about it, do they? I know I wouldn't have in my pre-IF days. In fact, I would probably have been excited to see the baby. But now? Eeesh.

Hand me the rum. I think I'm gonna need a drink to get through this. Pull up a stool and share. I'm not sure about Mel's bar, but this one is open.


Aurelia said...

Hey Gil, glad to see you back here!

As far as IVF, I have a feeling that it just might do the trick, since you can ovulate and just need to get that sperm in the right place, right?

But I understand that it's hard to think about. As far as adoption, goes, that stuff about "Just adopt, there are so many kids in the world, etc." Weeell, not so much. At least as far as infants and young healthy toddlers. Kids over 5, or non-white babies rarely get adopted, and they would be available through foster care, for free, but after lots of screening.

Considering where you work, I doubt you would have any issues in the security check!

Mel has lots of links on her list, but as you read, please know that the system in the US is radically different than in Canada. There, so much money changes hands it can really cause huge problems.

You have talked a lot about passing on your Newfoundland heritage, and that you already have step children you care about, so the goal was to have biological children related to you. I think you might have a lot of emotional resolution to do before you switch to adoption.

One idea to consider is adopting a child from Newfoundland? Maybe one from your hometown? I don't know the legal technicalities around that, but it might be worth asking.

Take care hon.

CAM said...

Wow, its cold up there! Yikes! I am with you on the adoption thing...people ask us the same thing but we just aren't there. I think if we go there we have given up on our trying and we just can't do that yet.
I am also with you on the seeing others with their babies. I have to go to a one-year-old b-day party today and the thought of it is making me sick.

Anonymous said...

Hey Gil,

I know how hard all of this is for you and please know that you're always in our thoughts. I'm so very happy that you were able to make it on Saturday and I could clearly see how difficult it was for you. You can't imagine how much it meant to us both that you were there. We would have totally understood if you had not been able to attend. It still is very difficult for us too to be around babies but you'll see, with time it'll get easier.

Love ya sweetie!
Max xo