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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Dilemmas and Donors

I have a dilemma. A couple of dilemmas in fact. I'm not sure what to do. So I've come here to muse and seek out advice from the community.

This is my first month on Clomid. Because I ovulate normally, it's never really been indicated before, however the specialist recommended it because obviously, I'll produce more follicles that way, and thus the "little guys" will have more possible targets. God, I hope he's right. Just one! Oh just one is all I can hope for! *prays*

So what's the dilemma you say? Well, we have only ONE sample left from hubby's last extraction. One tiny cannula of sperm for an IUI. So where do we go from here?

Problem #1
I have an appointment on Monday, Oct. 30 at 7 a.m. (CD13) to see the specialist. He hopes that my follies can hold on until then with the Clomid... usually I ovulate between CD10 and CD12. We're crossing our fingers that this month, CD13 is not too late. Why CD13? Because he's out of town this month and his is a one-doc only clinic thus, no one else available.

Problem #2
We only have one sample left. So if he needs me back on CD14, we have nothing to work with. Hubby COULD go in for another extraction (thus giving us another 8-10 cycles of sperm to work with) but we know that his sperm isn't the strongest anymore, so is it worth it? Or should we just work with the one sample we have? It's hard to say. We've been discussing donor sperm lately... I'll get to that in a minute.

Problem #3
There are two donor organizations that our clinic deals with, and neither of them is located near us, so any samples would have to be shipped. Each of these clinics needs about five working days notice for shipping, so it looks like we're out of luck this month for a donor anyway. That brings me back to "Should hubby give another sample until we can get a donor?" Good question.

Problem #4
If we decide to finally go the donor route, do we reveal it? Would it have repercussions in the future? Would his ex-wife instill some feelings of "superiority" in his other two children (who are now 10 and almost 12), so that when they come to visit, there are problems? Would our families view the child as "ours" and "part of the family?" My heart knows the answers to these questions... I think. But if you have advice, or thoughts, I'd like to hear them.

Thoughts on Donor Sperm... is it right for us?
And how do I feel about donor? Well, I've fluctuated on this issue I think. I'm all over the map and trying to wrap my brain around the implications. Oh sure, I know that donors produce superb children and it's safe and all that. That isn't my issue.

You see, when we first began this journey, hubby was adamant, "no donors." I am sure that (naive as we were in the beginning) he knew that he had produced two offspring already, so he was capable of procreation -- even after his vasectomy -- given that he still produced sperm and that we could extract it from him. So he was dead set against the donor option. I, however, was all for it. It was a viable option. As time goes on, and our journey grows longer, hubby has seen what these fertility treatments put me through though. He sees the medications. He sees the injections. He sees the discomfort and the irritability (sorry hon!) and bears the brunt of my anger, frustration and depression at times. He is becoming more sensitive to the fact that maybe his sperm can't do this very well anymore. And maybe if he opened up the doors to a donor, our goal would be reached more quickly. So he is now agreeable to having a donor.

Me though... I don't know. Somewhere in me, I hurt. I ache. It truly gives me grief to know that I cannot give him a biological child, even though it's possibly the lack of motility/viability of his sperm that puts me in that position. And I am jealous. That green-eyed monster raises its ugly head because (and here's the kicker)... his ex had that chance. She got to give him that. She was the one who was able to bear his biological children. And then she took them away from him. And that hurts me so much; knowing that SHE could do that and I probably never can. Knowing that he has children that she is raising and he feels so separated from them.

He often says to me that he knows he is a father, but he really wants the chance to be a dad. And I want to give that to him. To us. To welcome a child into the loving, caring family that is, not only the two of us, but our large circle of friends and family.

Where do we go from here? For today, I handle the Clomid. Tomorrow, I will handle the Clomid. And I will wait until Monday's appointment I guess. I'm not sure I know what else to do right now.

2 comments:

Lisa said...

Gil-
I'm sorry that you're having to make this decision! I totally understand the desire to have a child that is biologically both of yours. My hubby and I talk about this occasionally as well. His sperm are few and far between, and the few boys he has, don't really swim. So we've considered going the donor route, although we haven't investigated it much yet.

If you do decide to use a donor, I think it's important for the child to know that. Secrets are so dangerous in a family and tend to go bad at some point. But the child needs to know, if only for the sake of knowing health history and that whatever genetic risk he/she inherits for disease is from his/her bio dad, but not his/her real (the one who raised him) dad. But that doesn't mean you have to tell the rest of the world. Your hubby's ex sounds awful, and she has no reason to know. If he doesn't have much contact with his other children, maybe they could be told when they are older and more adult?

Even though you understandably want to give hubby a biological child, I think that hubby would feel just as connected to a donor child as his own, once it's born. Sounds like this is more about your feelings toward his ex than how he feels.

Good luck with your decision!

Chronia said...

Gili,

Hey hun, I know this is a tough decision, and if it were I don't know what I'd do, I can only offer my suggestions.

Since there is the chance (however small) that it may not take due to the procedure being even one day late, I might suggest that (since you'd have to wait a while for donor's to arrive anyways) that you give it another try after this time around (if, heaven forbif, that this time should not take)with hubby's again, at the very least until the donor stuff arrives. I suggest this becasue you've only got one shot with hubby's left and you've only just started the clomid. if there is the chance that clomid will help hubby's little guys do the job, then it should be given 100%. Since your procedure this time may be a day too late, it's more like 95% than 100% ya know?

By no means am I down playing the donor idea, but ideally you would like a child with both of your genes and since you have to wait for the donor anyways (I know I've said it like 3 times) why not keep trying with hubby until then? And I agree with lisa, even if it doesn't take with hubby (heaven forbid) and you go for a donor, I'm certain that hubby will treat your baby with the same love and affection he would as though the child were his bio baby.

I know you've been trhough alot already and how tough it's been for you. I can only imagine what it's really been like (in practice I mean, outside of what words can tell) for you.

I wish you all the best, and have you both in my heart and prayers. I'm sure that to whatever end, it will be for the best. *Big Huggles*