Monday, March 19, 2007

The Long Talk

So on to the "long talk" that hubby and I had the other day. We talked about a few things, and of course, discussed the whole donor insemination thing, the having kids at all thing, the financial thing (which, admittedly, my husband is NOT good at!), and the talking to family thing.

The donor insemination thing
Well, turns out that my husband is fine with donor insemination. He was just having doubts for the moment about how it would all turn out. He wonders how many times we ought to try donor insemination (dIUI) before we ought to sign up for IVF/ICSI. That's a really good question. I am not sure I know the answer to that one. Some people try for a few months, others pursue the dIUI route for a year or more. Having gone through two years of aspirated IUIs and all that that entails emotionally, I don't know if I have it in me to do dIUI for a year. For now, we have two vials left of the three that we'd purchased. We'll use one next month (barring results from the bloodwork). And then... down to one. Do we buy more after that? Use the same donor or another one? Or sign up for IVF/ICSI right away? All things for us to consider.

The having kids at all thing
My husband goes through periods of doubt about having children again. I guess this is normal for 'second-time-around' dads; I would think it is anyway. But in his case, he worries about raising the children as well. When his two children were babies, it was he who stayed home with them. He fed them. He changed them. He got up in the middle of the night with them. He made their baby food from scratch with a blender. He mixed formula. He washed all the laundry. The children's mother went back to work shortly after having each of their two children and he stayed at home to care for them. Essentially, he was a stay-at-home dad. And that was fine for them back then. Although along with much of that, he did the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the house, etc. And I think he resents having had to do all that work while his (now ex-) wife worked a minimum wage job and then came home and did nothing to contribute to keeping the house. So he fears having to do all that over again, by himself. He knows how much work it is to care for an infant and he worries about the fact that he did it all once before. Yet, if the truth be told, he knows very well that I am not content to sit and watch other people do work. He knows I am a stickler for a great many things. He knows that I wouldn't sit idly by and let him raise our child; that's just not me. But every once in awhile, that fear niggles at his brain again. Understandable.

The financial thing
Eeesh, my hubby is horrid with money! Like many women I know, I've taken over the financial responsibilities of paying bills, stuffing a little bit now and then in a savings account and putting away money in RRSPs, preparing for the future and unexpected expenses. Hubby just sucks at doing that stuff. His mentality is, "Ah ha! Money money money money... spend spend spend spend!" And I give him a thwap and tell him, "No! Down boy!" and pull the money away to take care of our essentials first. I know that if and when we have a child, the responsibility will fall to me to put some money away for education, eventualities, and unexpected things. He was simply afraid that he was so bad with the cash flow, that he couldn't afford to have children at all! No, not the case. He knows differently now.

The talking to family thing
Over the weekend, hubby went to see his family. There have been some major developments in his immediate family, all of which he's now caught up on. You see, hubby doesn't see his family much. He sort of considers himself the black sheep of the clan. But this weekend, when he went to his mom's house, he took the time to fill them in with our efforts on the TTC front. He told them about the tests. About the IUIs. About the aspirations. About the monthly ups and downs that all this entails. He told them about our decision to use a donor. He told them about our break. And he told them that we will try again. What he got from them was support. Colour me shocked. Yes indeed. A lot of support. They made suggestions (e.g., adoption from Canada, from abroad, using IVF, and the general "What if Gil went home to lie down after the procedures?" sort of thing), and they told him that they were so sorry for the things they've done and said to negate his (and my) emotions and actions. Yeah, there's a lot of history there; I won't get into all of it. It'd bore you to tears, trust me. But the support from his family is very much needed, and most certainly welcomed. I think we'll be going to see his family a little bit more now that we know where things stand.

I continue to wait for next Monday when I'll be going for CD23 bloodwork. So for now, all's quiet on the western front...


DI_Dad said...

Gil - If your husband ever has a question that he does not want to post over on the DI Dads yahoo group he shuld feel free to send me an email. My PC recently crashed but I can get the email via work. Regards, Eric

Anonymous said...

wow. that was quite a talk! i feel a sense of calm coming over the blogosphere...glad to hear you guys are on the same page again...and how wonderful to find support where you didn't think you'd find it - what a gift!

interesting, my hubby has a child from a previous marriage and has had some similar fears about doing it his case, his then wife stayed home but basically did nothing...he worked and did everything...then to top it off, she took off across the continent when the child was 3...he raised her alone for a year, only to lose her...we now see her 4 or 5 times a year....although he knows i am nothing like his ex and that nothing remotely like that will happen again, the fear lives on in his bones-- not always a problem but it rears it's head every once in a while...

good luck with getting your blood drawn and the results -- and the rest of this journey to parenthood!


Aurelia said...

Wow, quite the talk! And yes, interesting about the IUI stuff with either group of sperm. After this long, I'd just go to IVF/ICSI simply becuase I have zero patience. It is definitely a good thing to ask the question and set a time limit and/or make a plan.

As for the question of who does what with raising kids, does your job & benefits change this question? I'm sure you get EI for mat. leave and topped up, plus you'll be able to plan ahead for child care, so maybe it would be really different this time.

I am glad to hear you guys talked things out and figured out what you really want.

And good luck on the blood draw!

Baby Blues said...

You gotta love those long talks! Good time to air your concerns and go over the game plan. Good luck Gil! I'll be checking on you.