Coping... and Next Steps

The Red Wench (aka AF) is gone and I've already started Clomid for this cycle. At this point, I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that.

Thank you for your kind words. It is so good to know that there are people here who really GET IT. You understand. You've been there and you know the pain, the tears and the grief. It's draining isn't it? I feel utterly drained when the realization hits me that yet again, the IUI didn't work. I get lethargic. I get weepy. I withdraw and want to curl in a ball under the covers and not come out for a week. I become resentful and sullen and quiet. My friends see this and they know. They encourage me and give me a shoulder to lean on. But I wonder how much of my seesaw emotions my friends can truly deal with. I'm sure many of my male friends are just sick of it by now... one or two in particular. Logicially, they understand quite well what I'm going through. But psychologically? Emotionally? I'm not sure. YOU guys do get it though. And that is why I am here. Because sometimes I need to lean on this thoughtful, caring community; I know you've travelled this path as well. And together, somehow we'll get through it.

I am trying very hard to look on the bright side and maintain my (normally) positive outlook on life. On the positive side, we've only really tried three times with GOOD sperm. A mere three times where we had a real chance. That isn't all that many, is it? Or am I deluding myself? Sure, we tried for ages with my husband's aspirated sperm, but we never knew the quality of that sperm, the quantity, the motility, whether there were issues, etc., because when you aspirate, you cannot get enough sperm to do a semen analysis. So after biting the bullet and moving to a donor, we've only had three attempts. In the grand scheme of things, that is relatively reasonable right?

Anyway, reasonable or not, I just spent another $1500 for three more samples. But this time, a different donor. The one we had used last time is not available at the moment. Hubby and I narrowed down our choices and we sent in our list of three. Of that list of three, our first choice isn't available, but our second choice is. And from what I can gather, he's relatively young. For some reason, that strikes me as odd... having a young guy come in to "get the job done." I'm crossing my fingers that his sperm CAN get the job done. If we aren't successful with these three attempts, we're moving to the bigger, badder version of all of this: IVF.

I have an appointment on CD8 to determine whether I'll be using Pure.gon again this time around. And an appointment for that PAP shortly thereafter. Here we go again. I hate this rollercoaster now; does the ride ever end?