Saturday, May 26, 2007

Coping... and Next Steps

The Red Wench (aka AF) is gone and I've already started Clomid for this cycle. At this point, I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that.

Thank you for your kind words. It is so good to know that there are people here who really GET IT. You understand. You've been there and you know the pain, the tears and the grief. It's draining isn't it? I feel utterly drained when the realization hits me that yet again, the IUI didn't work. I get lethargic. I get weepy. I withdraw and want to curl in a ball under the covers and not come out for a week. I become resentful and sullen and quiet. My friends see this and they know. They encourage me and give me a shoulder to lean on. But I wonder how much of my seesaw emotions my friends can truly deal with. I'm sure many of my male friends are just sick of it by now... one or two in particular. Logicially, they understand quite well what I'm going through. But psychologically? Emotionally? I'm not sure. YOU guys do get it though. And that is why I am here. Because sometimes I need to lean on this thoughtful, caring community; I know you've travelled this path as well. And together, somehow we'll get through it.

I am trying very hard to look on the bright side and maintain my (normally) positive outlook on life. On the positive side, we've only really tried three times with GOOD sperm. A mere three times where we had a real chance. That isn't all that many, is it? Or am I deluding myself? Sure, we tried for ages with my husband's aspirated sperm, but we never knew the quality of that sperm, the quantity, the motility, whether there were issues, etc., because when you aspirate, you cannot get enough sperm to do a semen analysis. So after biting the bullet and moving to a donor, we've only had three attempts. In the grand scheme of things, that is relatively reasonable right?

Anyway, reasonable or not, I just spent another $1500 for three more samples. But this time, a different donor. The one we had used last time is not available at the moment. Hubby and I narrowed down our choices and we sent in our list of three. Of that list of three, our first choice isn't available, but our second choice is. And from what I can gather, he's relatively young. For some reason, that strikes me as odd... having a young guy come in to "get the job done." I'm crossing my fingers that his sperm CAN get the job done. If we aren't successful with these three attempts, we're moving to the bigger, badder version of all of this: IVF.

I have an appointment on CD8 to determine whether I'll be using Pure.gon again this time around. And an appointment for that PAP shortly thereafter. Here we go again. I hate this rollercoaster now; does the ride ever end?


Anonymous said...

Krap, Gil. This just sucks, doesn't it?!
But you're right, 3 x isn't all that many with good sperm!! I mean you have a less than 20% chance each time...I'm glad you're still hopeful and committed to a new batch! I'm going to be hopeful right along with you!

Sorry about not hooking up whilst in Ottawa...we were pretty much taken up with wedding committments the whole weekend! We stayed at the Minto Suite on Lyon...not a bad place...I'll def let you kow if we head that way again!!!

Vee said...

That's exactly how I see it Gil and count only my attempts with good sperm. I am glad you have a plan, I think it is important to think ahead.

I hope the younger sperm does the trick.

Good luck with the pap.

ultimatejourney said...

I agree that 3 attempts with good sperm isn't very many. It often takes non-IF people more tries than that. But I still think it's unreasonable that it hasn't happened lightning-fast after everything else you've been through. I know, that's now how the world works, but I'm still annoyed for you.

I hope you have better luck with the new donor. Our donor is really young too (we actually know his birth year, so there's no beating around the bush.) I feel slightly weird about it, like maybe I'm taking advantage of him or something. I hope the young sperm works out well for both of us.

Anonymous said...

I hope the new donor sperm brings you much luck.

Baby Blues said...

I hope you get off this roller coaster ride soon and you wouldn't have to move up to IVF. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.