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Monday, July 16, 2007

How I Cope

I spent Friday night in tears. Four hours of tears to be exact. I've hidden away for most of the weekend; I don't really want to see anyone or do anything right now.

The results of my bloodwork from last week taken on CD24, aka 10DPO.
TSH = 3.16
LH = 0.9
FSH = <1.0
Estradiol = 278 (aka 75.75 for the Americans in the audience)
Progesterone = 24
HCG = 2

Yeah, that's right. TWO. Talk about a failure. A royal f*cking failure. This crap shoot sucks and the odds are definitely stacked against me. I'm exhausted.

In the last four or five days, I've done the following (in no particular order):

-- Brought up sperm donor possibilities with an online friend in California, whose wife gave birth to their twins four years ago in her late 30s. Apparently he is seriously considering it. He knows a bit about what I'm going through and the emotional ups and downs it entails. He wished he could make it better. I replied that he could, but not necessarily for me. I said that there are many women out there, in the situation that I'm in, who would love to have the opportunity to have a family. And it takes help from loving, giving, selfless people like him, who are willing to go through the process. He said he wants to do his part and promised to look into it. I gave him the names of two sperm banks out there; I told him to discuss it with his wife and if they think that they are comfortable making donations, then I encouraged him to give some woman somewhere, a little bit of hope.

-- Thought seriously about having a hysterectomy. I mean honestly, why bother with all this? If my ovaries and eggs don't cooperate, why have them? I'm still sitting on the fence with this. Which would be cheaper, IVF or a hysterectomy? Or just suffer in silence until natural menopause? Hmm, something to think about.

-- Considered a new mantra: Control what you can. Anyone who knows me in real life (as opposed to online) knows that I am a severe Type A personality with some OCD tendencies... especially considering my hand-washing post. Now to focus that concentration in a place where it will do the most good and a place that I have never focused on (to this degree) before. I, my dear readers, am overweight. Severely. And I despise myself and the way I look. My self-esteem is in the toilet and probably always has been. When it comes to my brain, I know I'm relatively intelligent, but God forbid you put me out in public. I'm as shy as anything and it's all because of my weight. So if we actually do go ahead with looking at IVF (and that's a big "if" right now), then I know that any office is going to tell me to lose 40-60 pounds first. I'm back at the gym, and taking out my anger and frustration on the elliptical machine and/or the treadmill. At this point, I don't care if burning 400+ calories per day makes me thinner or not; but at least it gets the anger out. These days, I have a LOT of anger. I wonder why...

-- Talked a little to hubby who offered the following insight: in all this negativity, in all this miserable lot, in all this pain and grief, there is one teeny, tiny sliver of hope. VERY VERY tiny though it may be. And that is this: If we proceed with IVF, if we get through the testing and find the money and get right down to it, we will try to use TESE. And what that means, dear readers, is that there MAY be a way for me to have my husband's child after all. And that would be wonderful.

Other
I want to partake in Patience's Virtual World Tour. I'll dig out some pics and post later this week.

And congratulations to Ms. C over at It Could Take Three Months who also got a BFP this go around. With so many of you coming up positive, no wonder no one else gets a kick at the proverbial can! Kidding! Kidding! I am really happy that five of my blogging sidebar buddies have come up positive this month. June/July has been good to many of you.

Much love to you all. See you soon.

11 comments:

Kate said...

I'm really sorry. That just sucks.

Nearlydawn said...

I'm so sorry. You give so much support and hope to others it is just cruel that you aren't having your own great news.

It IS possible that this will work... It has happened. I am not suggesting you should hold out lots of hope, but it isn't over until it is over.

Let me know if you need somone to talk to - nearlydawn at gmail dot com

Jason and Samantha said...

((HUGS)) I'm very sorry!!

sariel & shlomit said...

Aw krap, Gil....sorry you're having such a rough go of it...i've been checking your blog almost daily and worried that you were bummed...but boy do i understand!! i also get the whole weight loss thing...i've always struggled with my weight and on the road of infertility have tipped the balance...i too am losing the struggle!! like you, i'm a control freak...and, while it's no cure, i have found that focusing on my weight by joining ww has given me some semblance of control and at least something different to focus on....

also, when i asked my RE abt whether i should lose weight before ivf she said it was more important to hurry up and do the ivf (i'm 41)....and i'm about 50 lbs overweight (on a good day!)...

i wish you peace and clarity and that things feel a little less shitty every day...

biggest of hugs...
peace
shlomit

ultimatejourney said...

I'm sorry, hon. I want so badly for this to work for you. It would be so wonderful if you could have your hubby's child after all this, though. I'll be rooting for you.

Marie-Baguette said...

I am really sorry. Taking your frustration out at the gym sounds great. I want to share with you something that helped me a lot during the last couple of years. Someone said to me: "you will have a child, no matter how". Yep, j'avoue, at some point we pondered if that would involve kidnapping a cute kid in the park... I am thinking of you

Patience said...

Do dig out some pics for us....

I am sorry that you're feeling so damn crap - unfortunately there's no words of comfort right now when dealing with this shit...

ms. c said...

Thinking of you Gil...

Baby Blues said...

Hugs! I'm glad you're coping. Just do what you have to do. Take your time Gil.

Angie said...

I'm really sorry. Thinking of you.

Aurelia said...

Gil,

I've been thinking about this post for awhile and those thyroid numbers have me wondering something.

For TSH, they have new guidelines out for classing someone as hypothyroid. anything over 3 is now hypo and it used to anything over 5.

If you are over 3 you should definitely get it checked out. Plus the HCG shot can make your TSH result look a bit off. You could really be very very hypothyroid. Please get retested and ask for a consult about it.

Bonus, it will help you with losing weight.