Thursday, July 26, 2007

Where do I belong?

I'm not sure what to say here anymore. I guess that's why I've been absent... But to Pam and Marie, thank you for checking on me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be here more. I'm just finding things very hard to deal with right now.

I feel like there is a club of bloggers and once upon a time, I felt that I was part of that club of people... like I fit in and I belonged. Fair enough, I belonged to that club because I'm infertile and TTC, but it was a club nonetheless. And support is a good thing.

And now I don't feel that I belong at all.

I see all of you moving forward, doing things, taking control and being active. Cycling, taking meds, planning for the next pieces of the puzzle, etc., but I'm not feeling like I belong anymore because I'm not doing any of those things. I'm firmly in *cue booming voice* limbo-land. And Limbo-land sucks. I have no idea when I'll do my bloodwork (in the next month or two I guess) and although I am going to the gym or swimming in my pool as well as watching what I eat, I don't know if my efforts to lose weight will pay off. And if they don't, well, I'll be turned down flat for IVF.

Everything else in my life I have tried to achieve, I have gotten there. I have grabbed the brass ring and run with it. This? This just beats me down and I don't know if I want to bother to get up again because I know I'll only be beaten down, yet again. I may as well just stay down for the count, you know?

And then there are the social ramifications. Last Saturday I had to take my kitties to the vet's office. We go in and there's a couple of women there with their doggies, waiting to see the veterinarian. I took a chair next to a young woman with a four-month old boxer who promptly decided to give my hands a bath. I petted him a bit while his owner told me of the little boxer's accident (running into a metal frame on the screen door; his eye was badly damaged), and she and I chatted a bit.

In chatting, she tells me something about her eight-year old daughter and her boyfriend. Jeez, this woman is all of MAYBE twenty-six. And as I'm tending to my mewing kitties who are desperate for attention, this woman sits up and rubs her (now visible) pregnant belly and says (as if speaking to the baby), "Ohh, don't start, I had breakfast!" She looks at me and says, "Kids huh? I'm only four months but this one is just rough!"

What do you say to that?!! Seriously!? I mean, I could be nice and brush it off, saying, "Oh yes. I'm sure." I could be truthful and say something like, "I wouldn't know." I could pretend and say, "Oh yes! I know what you're talking about." Or I could be downright grumpy and say, "I guess so. But I'd really rather not hear about it because I'm infertile." What I wanted to do was stand up and scream "SHUT UP B*TCH! I don't f*cking want to hear about your baby problems. I don't have kids and I don't know if I ever will and here's your ass at all of mid-20 years old and you're cooking your SECOND!!?? Just SHUT UP!!!"

But I didn't do any of that. I just sat there and said nothing. What DO you say? What CAN you say? How do you educate a stranger or do you even bother? *sighs* What's the point?

Then yesterday, I broke down in the evening after a dentist's appointment. It's all bad enough that I have so much trouble at the dentist's office in the first place because my teeth are so hypersensitive it takes a number of shots to numb my nerves enough to be able to work on my teeth. And I need to hyperdose on antibiotics before I see a dentist for ANY work because of a heart murmur that could cause problems. But added to that, of course even the dentist's assistant knows of our TTC attempts, because after three or four years of all this, it's hard to schedule cleanings or dental work (and take antibiotics) when you're cycling and not knowing WHEN you'll be taking what medications.

I get to the dentist's office and sit down in the chair and the first thing his assistant says to me is, "So any good news?" She's definitely referring to TTC. I can see it in her eyes. I just replied, "No," and avoided her gaze. She says, "None? How's it going?" And I said, "It's not." In this annoyingly perky voice she pipes up, "What about Montreal? Have you heard from them yet?" Sullen, I replied, "No, but we'll put our names on the list when the tests are all done. It'll take a few months." She pats my shoulder sympathetically and says, "It'll be all right. It'll work out. You'll get lucky. I know it!" And choking back the tears I barely managed to whisper, "I don't have hope anymore. I just don't think so."

And it went downhill from there.

On August 7, hubby and I celebrate our third wedding anniversary. We've been together for seven years, but only married for three. Hell, we started the TTC process long before we got married. Anyway, we were in the bedroom making the bed and I said to him, "Next week is our anniversary. What do you want to do?" He looks up and says, "I don't know, go out for dinner?" "Meh," I replied, "we could, but that's boring. I want to go somewhere. I want to do something fun. I want to have some time with you." (He and I haven't taken a vacation together when it's just been the two of us since March of 2003. Usually, we're flying somewhere to see my family, which is good, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to have some "us" time too.) With the strains on our marriage and relationship from all this stress and effort, we need time to reconnect. And we always have fun together on vacations.

I gave it a day or so, and mulled it all over. I thought, "Montreal? Québec City? Toronto? New York? Hmm..." And then it dawned on me. Next weekend is Fan Faire in Las Vegas, as hosted by Sony Online Entertainment for the online game that we both play, EverQuest II. We have friends who are going to be there (never met them, but they're good online friends nonetheless, much like many of you are). We would have a chance to enjoy the MMORPG world a little with like-minded folks. We would get to kick back and relax, indulging in a little fun. We would get to rediscover the spark of our relationship and the myriad of reasons why we love each other. Why not? Why not just go?!

Hubby and I often say that all the procedures in the world, all of these TTC efforts and the pain it puts us through are NOT worth it in the long run if it means that our marriage is on the rocks. Staying together is paramount in this. At least, that is my choice. And that's his too. So that is what we work on. Us.

Then I debated it because of the cost. But when I got to work the other morning, I found a cheque on my desk to supplement my last paycheque because I'm now in the Manager's shoes, and that includes a pay raise. I had a full HALF of the money right in my hands that day. That was a sign. A sign to spend a little time and money on ourselves and our closeness.

Last night, we booked the trip.

We leave next Thursday for four days, but that's better than nothing. And I'm really looking forward to it. At least there's some blue sky in my world.


LJ said...

I feel the same way about all the good news in the blogosphere. I'm stuck in limbo, with a sliver of hope of cycling again soon.

I also think about the cost, not simply financially, of all of this. My husband is my partner of five years in a few weeks, and I never want to jeopardize that.

I know there was a lot you covered in your post today. Please know that it definitely resonated here...

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Aurelia said...

Gil, you are officially still part of my club, even if you are taking a "vacation".

And hey, you don't know if you'll be turned down flat just yet. There is still hope right? Keep working out and think about my other comment.

I hope you enjoy Vegas! I'll be thinking about you. (((Hugs)))

Nearlydawn said...

Not sure if this will help, but...

Just before this cycle, our first IVF cycle I was totally in limbo. I stopped posting. Stopped putting any thoughts into what was next. Stopped thinking it was ever going to work for us. Even after we actually started the cycle I wasn't truly convinced that things were ever going to work out with that cycle.

As I've said before, I'm quite overweight myself - you are most likely quite more fit than I am with all the working out you do. My RE gave me a hard time about it. However, I told him I wasn't interested in his thoughts on my weight. He was just going to have to accept me like I was, or I would find someone else.

We thought my RE might make us not do IVF until I lost weight. He didn't. I think he relized that we were going to do it either way, and he could give us a good chance at success (and he might as well get the check too). :)

I'm not saying this will definately happen for you. Or that your IVF will be successful. What I am saying is that in my experience, weight doesn't have to stop you from your goal - given the right RE or the right telling off of the RE. This is simply assvice - treat it as you will...

I think that you and hubby getting back some of your fun time together is a GREAT start to a solution to your current delima. As you said, what is all of this for if you break your marriage in the process.

I hope you will find some hope in your soul - some sliver of reason to try again. Mostly because you want to be a Mom, but also because you seem to be feeling deafeated by life. I want you to feel like you are back in control - you do have choices - you do have a great goal - you will acheive your goal if you can keep at it. Yes, you may have to do something other than what you have done previously, but you WILL get what really matters to you.

I won't patronize you and tell you "it will work out", but I will say this: YOU ARE PART OF THIS CLUB - WE LOVE YOU - WE WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY! You give so much to so many that need support, how can you think you aren't a big part of this sisterhood?

So, if not posting for a while makes you happy - that's OK. If not trying for a while is the answer - that's OK. If you want me to take my assvice and shove it that's OK too! :) LOL

Hope you get feeling a little more centered very soon. ((HUGS))

Kate said...

I hope you have a wonderful trip and I'll be thinking about you.

Heather said...

That sounds like so much fun! I hope you have a super time!

Debbie said...

You are a part of this club through and through.

I feel like I could have written your post. I know everything you are feeling. I feel like we are in limbo too. I know B is having his surgeries but I'm doing nothing and so it doesn't feel like we are even trying.

Oh and the part about the dentist! I have the exact same situation going on. They know we have been trying for 2 years now!! UGH, everytime I go in which is 2x a year too many, I hear "so any good news?" NO! and leave me alone!!

Anyway, I'm so happy you booked your trip. You will have a great time and get to reconnect with your hubby. B and I did that last month and it was wonderful and very helpful.

I'm thinking of you

CAM said...

Your post was so honest and so true. I get this pit in my stomach everytime some posts their positive beta number. I want to pick up my laptop and throw it! We are all suffering in very different ways with all of these treatments...its all so different. So, even though you feel not "a part" of this, you are and I am...even when the laptop hits the wall?!?! HA!
I am glad about your trip. You are right too, the most important thing is to stay connected with your husband.
Enjoy your vacation...we'll be here whenever you need us.

Anonymous said...

I feel like this could have been my post. You are just as much a part of all of this as any of us.

I hope you have a fantastic trip. You deserve it!

Marie-Baguette said...

This trip sounds great. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything is going to be OK. I think all of us went through periods like the one you are living right now. Times when you wonder if it is all worth it. Times when you are so utterly miserable you wonder about the state of your marriage. Times when you feel alone. I wish you could see a therapist -- I know it sounds like assvice, but it actually helped us a lot. I was totally against couple therapy before, but I think that speaking with a therapist helped us to move ahead. And a break helps. Your body and your spirit need a break from all that insanity. Take care of yourself. If you want to lose weight, do it, but only if it is for yourself. I did lost a lot of weight on my own "infertility break" but I think it was because I was happy to control something in my life, when everything seemed to be out of my hands. I am thinking of you.

Jason and Samantha said...

((HUGS)) I'm sorry you are going thru a hard time. A trip sounds like a wonderful plan, you both need it! You are in my thoughts and prayers! Enjoy yourselves!

decemberbaby said...

Limbo land is most definitely part of the IF waiting game. You're still in the club... we'd never turf you out!

Enjoy your weekend... oh, and I'll be in Vegas as well, although not at fanfaire. Perhaps we'll cross paths.

Katie said...

GREAT POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Yes. LimboLand Sux.

2. Even though hubby and I have decided to quit TTC, I still feel like I'm in the infertile club. Lifetime membership and all... Also, I wonder if I should start a different blog, because mine is rarely about infertility struggles anymore.

3. Why can't I be brave and say to people like the lady in the vet's office, "I don't have kids. In fact, I am unable to conceive and hearing about your pregnancy, even though you are uncomfortable right now, makes me feel sad. So I don't mean to be rude but I'd rather not talk about babies, kids, etc."

4. Vegas, baby. Work it.

Mr Blue Sky said...

Hope you had a great trip and I that you both had a blast.

I have found a tremendous strength and inspiration from your musings. Other blogs have also assisted in me coming to terms my own situation and trying to deal with it in a positive way.

Wishing you happiness.

Anonymous said...

Oh my G-d...I could have written this post...write down to the teary eyes in the dentist office...Gil, I really feel for i contemplated writing a similar post...i don't know what to say other than i really, really, really feel for you....
your story differs at the point where you jet off on a trip...i hope it's distracting and rejuvenating...
thinking of you and sending big, big hugs...

Anonymous said...

just popping in again to say hi and let you know i'm thinking of you....hope las vegas rocks/rocked!

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