Where do I belong?

I'm not sure what to say here anymore. I guess that's why I've been absent... But to Pam and Marie, thank you for checking on me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be here more. I'm just finding things very hard to deal with right now.

I feel like there is a club of bloggers and once upon a time, I felt that I was part of that club of people... like I fit in and I belonged. Fair enough, I belonged to that club because I'm infertile and TTC, but it was a club nonetheless. And support is a good thing.

And now I don't feel that I belong at all.

I see all of you moving forward, doing things, taking control and being active. Cycling, taking meds, planning for the next pieces of the puzzle, etc., but I'm not feeling like I belong anymore because I'm not doing any of those things. I'm firmly in *cue booming voice* limbo-land. And Limbo-land sucks. I have no idea when I'll do my bloodwork (in the next month or two I guess) and although I am going to the gym or swimming in my pool as well as watching what I eat, I don't know if my efforts to lose weight will pay off. And if they don't, well, I'll be turned down flat for IVF.

Everything else in my life I have tried to achieve, I have gotten there. I have grabbed the brass ring and run with it. This? This just beats me down and I don't know if I want to bother to get up again because I know I'll only be beaten down, yet again. I may as well just stay down for the count, you know?

And then there are the social ramifications. Last Saturday I had to take my kitties to the vet's office. We go in and there's a couple of women there with their doggies, waiting to see the veterinarian. I took a chair next to a young woman with a four-month old boxer who promptly decided to give my hands a bath. I petted him a bit while his owner told me of the little boxer's accident (running into a metal frame on the screen door; his eye was badly damaged), and she and I chatted a bit.

In chatting, she tells me something about her eight-year old daughter and her boyfriend. Jeez, this woman is all of MAYBE twenty-six. And as I'm tending to my mewing kitties who are desperate for attention, this woman sits up and rubs her (now visible) pregnant belly and says (as if speaking to the baby), "Ohh, don't start, I had breakfast!" She looks at me and says, "Kids huh? I'm only four months but this one is just rough!"

What do you say to that?!! Seriously!? I mean, I could be nice and brush it off, saying, "Oh yes. I'm sure." I could be truthful and say something like, "I wouldn't know." I could pretend and say, "Oh yes! I know what you're talking about." Or I could be downright grumpy and say, "I guess so. But I'd really rather not hear about it because I'm infertile." What I wanted to do was stand up and scream "SHUT UP B*TCH! I don't f*cking want to hear about your baby problems. I don't have kids and I don't know if I ever will and here's your ass at all of mid-20 years old and you're cooking your SECOND!!?? Just SHUT UP!!!"

But I didn't do any of that. I just sat there and said nothing. What DO you say? What CAN you say? How do you educate a stranger or do you even bother? *sighs* What's the point?

Then yesterday, I broke down in the evening after a dentist's appointment. It's all bad enough that I have so much trouble at the dentist's office in the first place because my teeth are so hypersensitive it takes a number of shots to numb my nerves enough to be able to work on my teeth. And I need to hyperdose on antibiotics before I see a dentist for ANY work because of a heart murmur that could cause problems. But added to that, of course even the dentist's assistant knows of our TTC attempts, because after three or four years of all this, it's hard to schedule cleanings or dental work (and take antibiotics) when you're cycling and not knowing WHEN you'll be taking what medications.

I get to the dentist's office and sit down in the chair and the first thing his assistant says to me is, "So any good news?" She's definitely referring to TTC. I can see it in her eyes. I just replied, "No," and avoided her gaze. She says, "None? How's it going?" And I said, "It's not." In this annoyingly perky voice she pipes up, "What about Montreal? Have you heard from them yet?" Sullen, I replied, "No, but we'll put our names on the list when the tests are all done. It'll take a few months." She pats my shoulder sympathetically and says, "It'll be all right. It'll work out. You'll get lucky. I know it!" And choking back the tears I barely managed to whisper, "I don't have hope anymore. I just don't think so."

And it went downhill from there.


On August 7, hubby and I celebrate our third wedding anniversary. We've been together for seven years, but only married for three. Hell, we started the TTC process long before we got married. Anyway, we were in the bedroom making the bed and I said to him, "Next week is our anniversary. What do you want to do?" He looks up and says, "I don't know, go out for dinner?" "Meh," I replied, "we could, but that's boring. I want to go somewhere. I want to do something fun. I want to have some time with you." (He and I haven't taken a vacation together when it's just been the two of us since March of 2003. Usually, we're flying somewhere to see my family, which is good, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to have some "us" time too.) With the strains on our marriage and relationship from all this stress and effort, we need time to reconnect. And we always have fun together on vacations.

I gave it a day or so, and mulled it all over. I thought, "Montreal? Québec City? Toronto? New York? Hmm..." And then it dawned on me. Next weekend is Fan Faire in Las Vegas, as hosted by Sony Online Entertainment for the online game that we both play, EverQuest II. We have friends who are going to be there (never met them, but they're good online friends nonetheless, much like many of you are). We would have a chance to enjoy the MMORPG world a little with like-minded folks. We would get to kick back and relax, indulging in a little fun. We would get to rediscover the spark of our relationship and the myriad of reasons why we love each other. Why not? Why not just go?!

Hubby and I often say that all the procedures in the world, all of these TTC efforts and the pain it puts us through are NOT worth it in the long run if it means that our marriage is on the rocks. Staying together is paramount in this. At least, that is my choice. And that's his too. So that is what we work on. Us.

Then I debated it because of the cost. But when I got to work the other morning, I found a cheque on my desk to supplement my last paycheque because I'm now in the Manager's shoes, and that includes a pay raise. I had a full HALF of the money right in my hands that day. That was a sign. A sign to spend a little time and money on ourselves and our closeness.

Last night, we booked the trip.

We leave next Thursday for four days, but that's better than nothing. And I'm really looking forward to it. At least there's some blue sky in my world.