Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Oh me nerves!

I don't know why, but I'm truly on edge these days. I mentioned that to my husband this morning while getting dressed. It's been another night of fitful sleep, when I wake unrefreshed and my forehead is creased with a frown.

He suggested to me that I might not be getting a good night's sleep because of the stress (minimal though it is) of him changing jobs and not getting a full pay until he is properly entered into the government's payroll system. For those not in the know, sometimes when you get a job with the government, it takes a few weeks, or more... depending) to get your particulars entered in time enough to make the cut-off dates to issue paycheques. I don't know; he might be right about that. Not only is he changing jobs, but also workplace locations, pay weeks (we used to get paid on opposite weeks, now we get paid on the same day), schedules (previously a 7-3 shift, now 9-5), and gym routines. Mind you, I haven't been to the gym in ages, given the torn calf muscle. It's still tender, but I need to get back to the gym and working at least SOME muscle groups.

Anyway, yes. Changing jobs. That might be one reason for my subconscious stress. There are other possible reasons though. I mean, think about it; in two weeks, we have our consultation in Montreal and that will determine whether we stay on this road or... or... or what? If we don't stay on this road, however hellish it may be, what do we do then? Do I think about adopting? Can I think about adopting?! I'm not in a place to consider that right now. My mind cannot fathom that aspect of the road at the moment. One step at a time, right? I mean, if and when I -need- to consider that, maybe I will.

Right now, I'm just trying to get as far as the IVF. If I don't take this journey one step at a time, it'll all blow up in my face. I'm convinced of that. Jeez, we've had stuff blow up on us already with this journey, so heavens knows, I am not hopeful by any means right now. But I need to check out the possibility of doing IVF because if I don't, in 10 years, I'll regret it. And my motto is, "Il vaut mieux vivre avec des remords qu'avec des regrets." So I have to try. I just have to, for my own peace of mind. It'll eat me alive if I don't and I would never forgive myself for having not explored it. So I owe myself at least that much. I think. Maybe? *sighs* Who the hell knows anymore.

Dreams, again
Anyway, I woke this morning, heart racing, from yet another vivid dream. I must make a note of the date. Betcha anything I have these weird dreams right as I ovulate! Last night's dream was nothing short of epic. I dreamed about the end of the world. I saw dustclouds and vast empty spaces, void of time, air and energy, approaching the earth, crawling over the grasslands and mountains, coming ever closer to steal humanity from the world. I remember being with my Dad and my sister, holding my sister's hands in my own, and telling her how much I loved her and how wonderful she was to me; that I could never have a better sister if I had chosen her myself. I remember kissing my Dad's cheek and thanking him for being a good father. I remember stolen moments with my husband, grabbing his hand tightly in mine. And I remember looking for my mother. Oddly enough, she was standing in a room, a washroom I guess, curling her hair. The room had a red door, and as we passed the door (which for some reason was open to the street), she opened it and beckoned me inside. I went to her, and spent time with her, telling her how much I admired her and loved her. And then... nothing. The world became desolate around us... and fade to black. Very odd dream.

I think I need to tell these people how much they mean to me. At least I got that out of the dream.


Thalia said...

I hate dreams like that, they really upset me. Well done for taking the positive message out of it!

Heather said...

What does your motto say?

I had a very vivid dream the other night. Me and Heath Ledger were apparently BFFs and we got into all these shenanigans. Weird.