Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Shedding Tears

Yesterday I got a Valentine's Card from my mother in the mail. I cried. I sat at my kitchen table, alone in the house and sobbed openly like a five-year old who's bike had been stolen and who was never again going to have another one.

Why did I cry, you ask? A plethora of reasons in fact.

Not only did she send me a card, she sent a bunch of photocopied pictures. There were old photos of my Aunt L and Uncle B... way back when Uncle B -had- hair! There were pictures of my Aunt B and Uncle B... before that uncle passed away in the 1980s. A picture or two of the youngest of my aunts, Aunt L, was in there too. There were photos of my grandfather and grandmother (Mom's parents), which were fantastic to see. I only have a few photos of them, so any that I can lay my hands on are wonderful. And photos of my mom and dad, when I didn't even warrant a twinkle in their eyes! Mom in the cat's-eye glasses of the 60s; it is amazing to see. I ought to scan them and upload them here. Anyway, my mom told me that Aunt L had found them while cleaning out her bedroom and there was a full bag of old photos. What I wouldn't do to get my hands on them and make them into electronic versions. I adore my family. No one could ask for better. So I cried because I felt an overwhelming rush of emotion at seeing so many wonderful memories in my hands.

And along with the photos, Mom sent money. She sent some cash along and instructed me to buy some candy or chocolate for my stepchildren for Valentine's Day. No problem. I cried because she is so giving to hubby's kids. She remembers every birthday, anniversary, event, occasion, Christmas, Easter, Valentine's, graduation, milestone and she ALWAYS makes sure she notes it. God bless her for that.

And yet more money was included, with a note folded around the bills. "For a bottle of wine or lunch in Montreal next week. Love you." Mom knows we are going to McGill next Thursday for our appointment at the IVF clinic. She's keeping track and cheering for us, I know. I love her for that. (And for so much more, obviously.) And thus I shed tears for her thoughtfulness.

But the main reason I sat there and sobbed buckets of tears? Simply because I don't know if I will ever give my mother the opportunity to send a loving, caring, thoughtful note or memento to a grandchild. And I feel like I've robbed her of that opportunity and let everyone down. So I sat and shed tears for not only my loss, but for the loss that each and every member of our family deals with because of our situation. Because in the end, I have a beautiful, wonderful, loving, caring, giving family. And they may never have the chance to extend that love to another generation.


Jason and Samantha said...


Heather said...

You aren't letting anyone down. No one has harsh expectations that you aren't living up to. We are just all her loving, hoping, and supporting your dreams.

You are a fantastic person and you will be a mom someday. And a damn good one just like your mom is.

decemberbaby said...

I'm with heather. What a fabulous mom you'll have, and what a great mom you'll be. Wow.

I haven't commented much, but I'm here and reading whenever I get a chance. I'm cheering you on.

My Reality said...

Thinking of you, Gil. Your mom is amazing. And so are you.

Kate said...

I think you have a great mom and WILL be a great mom someday. Sending a big hug for you!

Malloryn said...

You already are a great mom to your stepchildren, and any other children will be lucky to have you as a mother... and lucky to have your mom as a grandmother. ::hugs::