Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Vacations and Consolation Prizes

Time ticks on, and we've not heard any further news from the urologist, who was supposed to return to work on the 21st after his holiday, or from my nurse, to whom I sent an e-mail late last week with three questions. We're not in a hurry of course, but it would be nice to hear something, you know?

I am occupying my time right now in the countdown to my vacation. T minus 11 days and 20 hours (give or take), and I am on a plane to Washington DC to spend a week with my sister and see my best friend, MH, before heading to Vegas for a week with MH and his wife and my hubby. Washington will be my down time; my sister is going to be at a conference so I'll be occupying my time on my own I think. I am planning to go shopping, and maybe MH and I will take in a movie or something. My sis and I will take him out for dinner too. And he's graciously offered to let me use his laundry facilities before he and I head to Vegas the following week. We've got a full week's worth of activities planned in Vegas too: attending the Fan Faire convention (including the various panels, welcome reception, closing banquet and some of the evening events), tickets to Cirque du soleil's Zumanity, tickets to the Tournament of Kings, MH's wife wants to tour the Hoover Dam, we have a reservation at Stratosphere (one of those revolving rooftop restaurants) one night, we'll be heading to Quark's Bar at the Hilton too to have a Warp Core Breach (a sinful alcoholic drink), and somewhere in there, we might hit a nightclub. I'm bringing the clothes for it anyway!

This year at Fan Faire though, I'm a bit ambivalent about it. Last year you see, I was hoping to meet up with a gaming friend and her husband, who were going through TTC troubles of their own. She'd been going through the motions but was then diagnosed with PCOS and ta da! Metformin solved their problems; she is more than halfway through her pregnancy. And they're both attending Fan Faire. I am happy for them, but... well, you know the drill right? Things are falling into place for them, and here I am, still stuck in limbo. It's getting to be a tad frustrating. How will I react? What will I say? How do I express joy for her and hide my own sadness at the same time? Ha... maybe I should seek her out after I've had that Warp Core Breach; I bet I can be much happier while I'm drunk! I don't know yet how I'm going to deal with that.

And then this week, hubby and I were asked to be godparents again. I am honoured that so many people in our lives consider us so responsible and think that we would be good parental figures for their children. Right now, we are godparents to a three-year old boy, the youngest son of friends of ours. I am also named as a legal guardian of my friend K's daughter (lil K, I call her here), in the event of K's passing. And I was so thrilled when a few months ago, MH came to me and asked if hubby and I might consider being godparents to their five-year old twins. MH and his wife (KC) haven't named godparents for their children yet and although we have yet to meet his kids, if everyone is in agreement and the kids are comfortable with us, then we would be thrilled to do that for them as well. And this week, hubby's BIL asked us to be godparents to their unborn child. The baby is due December 26; I gather we are staying home for Christmas this year so hubby can be close when his sister has the baby.

I won't lie; I was told the news of that pregnancy in quite awful circumstances. I was not prepared for it and it was conveyed poorly. I was angry for a long time, at the way I was told, and at hubby's sister and BIL. I cried buckets of tears for weeks on end. Now I'm not angry. I am just sad. And I feel like I've been offered the consolation prize.

You know... I'm sure you've felt this way too. Something happens and you either get the next best thing, or someone does something to take your mind off it. Recently, for example, noswimmers and her husband lost their twins at 20 weeks through the pregnancy. So to take their mind off things, her in-laws took them on a trip to Hawaii. Here you go, your consolation prize. It just doesn't cut it you know? As she has said, nothing will give her back her babies. And even for us, last year, our trip to Vegas was our consolation prize, after having miscarried earlier in the year and then dealing with the acceptance of using donor sperm. Here you go Gil, your consolation prize. It's nice and all, but it doesn't give me what I want, you know?

So while I am flattered beyond belief that I have been asked to be godparents to so many children, I wonder to myself: will I ever get to choose a godparent for MY child?

Just some things I am pondering as I prepare for my vacation. At least I have that to look forward to. Love to you all in blogland. I'm still here and still reading. I just feel I've gone through so much failure with this journey, that I don't quite relate as well anymore...


loribeth said...

I can relate. My dh was talking to his brother once, & he said, "Well, you know, you'll always have the boys" (HIS boys, our two nephews). Nice try, BIL. We adore our nephews, love them to death. But does being an aunt & uncle in any way make up for not having children of our own? Not a chance. Sorry.

I hope you have a great vacation!!

Pam said...

I'm glad to see you're still around. We've missed you. :)

I can't say I've experienced the same with requests for godparent. I've never been asked. I wonder what that says about me. :)

Oh, and I recall you mentioning DHEA in a previous post. I have some I'm no longer using. Interested?

Anyway, have a great vacation and don't think about this stuff.

Anonymous said...

Oh Gil...I really feel for you. You've got tonnes on your plate and the babies just keep on acoming...for everyone else.

In terms of consolation prizes...I hear ya. The other day a friend (who is also IF) asked if having a step-child made me feel any better in terms of some of my maternal instincts or what have you having an outlet...I told her that while there are some good things about being a step parent and I love my step daughter, it's really just a really lousy f'n consolation prize.

Hang in there sweetie...and enjoy your trips -- they sound grand!!!