Buttered Side Down

I don't know where to begin this entry. The thoughts in my head are so jumbled and mixed with intense emotion; none of it good.

I went for my pre-stim scan this morning and I was nervous and anxious as I slid up onto that table for my appointment with the dildo-cam. The RE asked me, "How are you doing?" and my honest reply was, "I really don't know."

So for the semi-decent news:
Lining measuring 5.3 mm on CD6.
On the left, five little follicles just hanging out.
On the right, at least three little follicles doing much the same thing.
But that's not all.

No. Not for me. Never! It wouldn't do just to have happy little follies kicking back and waiting for the Gonal-F and the Luveris, would it? No Gil. You get more! You get the full freakin' monty!

Right there, in all its huge glory was a cyst.
A honking big cyst measuring over 3.5 cm in diametre.

And we all know what that means right? *adopts game announcer voice* Tell the young lady what she's won Johnny!
Well now, to start off, I am pretty sure you've won a cancelled cycle Gil! Congratulations! And there's a bonus prize of having another laparoscopy to boot to aspirate that cyst! And then, when all that is done, you get to go back on the BCPs to start all over again! Woo hoo!

I couldn't believe it. A cyst. Another cyst. It didn't respond to the BCPs that I was taking (similar to my previous cyst on the right side three years ago). So that likely means that it'll take a lap to remove it. Nice. Just what I wanted.

Then, because there was a cyst found, the orders were to have my E2 measured so that meant bloodwork. I went down to the lab in the same building and I found a GREAT woman there (Karen!) who saw how distressed I was. She told me to have hope. She hugged me. She saw the tears in my eyes and the frazzled look on my face. She was sweet. And she got a vein on the first stick (admittedly I showed here where was best to stick based on My Angel's success with that area on my forearm).

When that stress was done, I had the pleasure of shelling out just over $2200 for my Gonal-F and Luveris, which luckily doesn't expire until sometime in 2010. I came right home to stick the sensitive meds in the fridge.

And now I wait.

I wait for the ultrasound results to be sent to Montreal.
I wait for the bloodwork results to be sent to Montreal.
I wait for Montreal to call and tell me that my cycle is cancelled. (It will be I'm sure. We all know how this goes... but I have to wait for the official word from them on this.)
I wait for Montreal to tell me when they can do a lap for the cyst and when they need me for pre-op stuff... assuming they will take me at all.
I wait for something GOOD to come of this. But I really don't see a silver lining. Not at all.

Right now, I am angry. I am stressed. I confess, (and if you are religious, I apologize in advance) I hate that God is throwing roadblocks in my way. I hate that He obviously deems me unfit to parent. On my way back from the doctor's I wondered why He didn't just take me now and get it all over with. Christ, wouldn't that be easier??

I hate that I have to go through this at all. None of this should be this way. None of it. Ever. And this morning, I hated the fact that I had to go through all this alone this morning.

Like I said in my last post, seems I am the bread that always lands buttered side down on the floor. And so it continues...