We have an appointment in Montreal on February 21st at 2 p.m.
I think I see the long line waiting to get on the rollercoaster... Yup. There it is. *points* Over there. Come on hubby. *tugs his shirt* We need to get back in line.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
You're gonna be SO proud of me!
I did it! You have no idea how thrilled I am to be able to log in here today and tell you that I did it!
This afternoon, I left work early and I went to the lab at the medical clinic. My Angel met me with a smile and a hug, and a hopeful grin, asking, "Any news for me yet?" (She's a cheering section all unto her own!) I laughed at her and I gave her a belated Christmas Card that I'd hoped to give her before I went away for the holidays. I also gave her a copy of the Globe and Mail article, and told her that I mention her now and then in my blog. Next time, I told her I'm going to take a photo of her for the blog. She deserves some serious kudos.
Nonetheless, today, I deserved kudos too. Why? Because I went there, to that lab alone. ALONE. BY MYSELF!! Do you know how huge that is?! It's a step that I am really proud of. With the phobia and past experiences that I have had with needles and blood and all the rest, it's immense. Given the utter hell that I've been through in the past with giving blood for tests, it's only My Angel that makes it easier for me.
And even today, when she was trying to find the vein (that conveniently hid from her after she'd found it!), tapping my arms, rubbing the skin, trying to make it bearable, I was able to withstand it. When she stuck me once, and didn't get the vein, for a split second, I trembled, wondering if I could go through with it. And I knew I could. She turned me round (cause I still have to lie down; I wasn't willing to tempt fate all THAT much today!) and tried the other arm, and voilà! She got it! Lord bless her for her patience, her understanding and her compassion. It is through her and these gifts that she has that I am able to do what I did today.
I went for bloodwork all by myself. And I couldn't be happier about it! This was the last test needed before our file gets referred to Montreal for IVF. And now we see where the road takes us.
Special Occasions
Today, January 8 is the anniversary of the date that my husband proposed. Back in January of 2003, we had already bought the ring (together) and I had given it to him saying, "You take it, and keep it, and when the time is right, if the time is right, you ask me." He had planned to propose at New Year's... alas, an allergic reaction I had that night put the kaibosh on that plan. So instead, on January 8, he did the deed.
It's a cute story: I had been wearing a simple, yellow gold ring that we picked up on vacation about a year prior to his formally popping the question. And that night, on January 8, we had decided to go out for dinner. At the table, he took my hands and played with my ring, saying, "I think it's time we replaced this ring, don't you?" I said, "If you're ready... sure." But he'd left the ring at home, and so he promised to ask when we got back to the house.
Returning home (yes, yes, we lived in sin for about three years before he asked the question), it was all but forgotten as we got tied up with the animals, tidying, preparations for the next day at work, and all the rest. Around 11 or so, we went to bed. And there, lying in bed, he sat straight up and said, "Damn! I knew I forgot something." He pulled out the ring, rolled over and said, "I'm sorry, it slipped my mind. So, would you marry me?"
My response? "Nuh uh. You gotta do it right," said with a smirk. He got out of bed, came round to my side of the bed, got down on one knee (stark naked mind you!) and I sat on the edge of the bed, with nothing but the light of the moon in the bedroom. He took my hand in his and asked again, "Gil, will you marry me?" And I nodded and said, "Yes." After he put the ring on my finger, I joked with him, "Bout time you asked!"
And happy belated birthday to my mom! Yesterday was her birthday. I called her, and spent an hour chatting to her and my dad. She's in great spirits; she told me that they just made plans to go to Florida in the spring and I know she is really looking forward to it. They deserve it. They deserve nothing but the best.
This afternoon, I left work early and I went to the lab at the medical clinic. My Angel met me with a smile and a hug, and a hopeful grin, asking, "Any news for me yet?" (She's a cheering section all unto her own!) I laughed at her and I gave her a belated Christmas Card that I'd hoped to give her before I went away for the holidays. I also gave her a copy of the Globe and Mail article, and told her that I mention her now and then in my blog. Next time, I told her I'm going to take a photo of her for the blog. She deserves some serious kudos.
Nonetheless, today, I deserved kudos too. Why? Because I went there, to that lab alone. ALONE. BY MYSELF!! Do you know how huge that is?! It's a step that I am really proud of. With the phobia and past experiences that I have had with needles and blood and all the rest, it's immense. Given the utter hell that I've been through in the past with giving blood for tests, it's only My Angel that makes it easier for me.
And even today, when she was trying to find the vein (that conveniently hid from her after she'd found it!), tapping my arms, rubbing the skin, trying to make it bearable, I was able to withstand it. When she stuck me once, and didn't get the vein, for a split second, I trembled, wondering if I could go through with it. And I knew I could. She turned me round (cause I still have to lie down; I wasn't willing to tempt fate all THAT much today!) and tried the other arm, and voilà! She got it! Lord bless her for her patience, her understanding and her compassion. It is through her and these gifts that she has that I am able to do what I did today.
I went for bloodwork all by myself. And I couldn't be happier about it! This was the last test needed before our file gets referred to Montreal for IVF. And now we see where the road takes us.
Special Occasions
Today, January 8 is the anniversary of the date that my husband proposed. Back in January of 2003, we had already bought the ring (together) and I had given it to him saying, "You take it, and keep it, and when the time is right, if the time is right, you ask me." He had planned to propose at New Year's... alas, an allergic reaction I had that night put the kaibosh on that plan. So instead, on January 8, he did the deed.
It's a cute story: I had been wearing a simple, yellow gold ring that we picked up on vacation about a year prior to his formally popping the question. And that night, on January 8, we had decided to go out for dinner. At the table, he took my hands and played with my ring, saying, "I think it's time we replaced this ring, don't you?" I said, "If you're ready... sure." But he'd left the ring at home, and so he promised to ask when we got back to the house.
Returning home (yes, yes, we lived in sin for about three years before he asked the question), it was all but forgotten as we got tied up with the animals, tidying, preparations for the next day at work, and all the rest. Around 11 or so, we went to bed. And there, lying in bed, he sat straight up and said, "Damn! I knew I forgot something." He pulled out the ring, rolled over and said, "I'm sorry, it slipped my mind. So, would you marry me?"
My response? "Nuh uh. You gotta do it right," said with a smirk. He got out of bed, came round to my side of the bed, got down on one knee (stark naked mind you!) and I sat on the edge of the bed, with nothing but the light of the moon in the bedroom. He took my hand in his and asked again, "Gil, will you marry me?" And I nodded and said, "Yes." After he put the ring on my finger, I joked with him, "Bout time you asked!"
And happy belated birthday to my mom! Yesterday was her birthday. I called her, and spent an hour chatting to her and my dad. She's in great spirits; she told me that they just made plans to go to Florida in the spring and I know she is really looking forward to it. They deserve it. They deserve nothing but the best.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Look! Another New Year!
We're back from our holiday in West Virginia and I must say, we had a great time visiting with my sister and her husband, and his whole family. Christmas was fantastic and my sis and I did the turkey for everyone (there were nine of us around the dinner table). The drive to and from WV from Canada's capital took about 12-13 hours each way, with extra time on the return trip to stop in Columbus, Ohio to visit a gaming friend of mine who I've been chatting with for more than two years now. It was lovely to meet him and his wife in person for the first time, rather than just hear his voice over my headset!
I am so glad that we went to see everyone. Now I have a good frame of reference when my sis talks about driving to this or that place, or how her house is laid out, how far it is to her MIL's house... stuff like that. And I am told that my sis and her husband really enjoyed having us there as well. That's good; I hate to be a burden to people when I stay in their home.
Upon return to Ottawa, we launched ourselves back to some sort of regular routine. Okay, I'm not back at the gym just YET. But I'm getting there. Besides, it's the first week of January; this is the week that all the "New Year's Resolutions" people come out of the woodwork and invade the gym! Etiquette people! Jeez, wipe down the machines when you're done willya!? *shudder* Ugh. Just icky. *wince*
Early January... the time for New Year's Resolutions. Yes, it is that time of the year isn't it? You know something? I have one resolution this year. Sure, I want to lose weight. Sure I want to get out more. Sure, I want to spend more time with family and friends. But the resolution I have?
Do whatever it takes to make me happy.
It's as simple as that. It CAN be as simple as that.
If that means more gym, so be it.
If it means changing jobs (something I'm sort of considering now that I've tasted being a manager), so be it.
If it means travel, so be it.
If it means trying IVF, so be it.
If it means letting go of the dream... so be it.
Scary as it sounds, but I have to live my life right? I have to get through each day, and be happy at the end of the day; otherwise, what's the point? Why put myself through months, years of agony and put my marriage at risk, put my mental health at risk, put my social life on hold... for something that may never be? I want to be a mom, of course. But at the risk of losing myself, of changing who I am? Of losing my husband and putting my sanity at risk? My happiness never to be found again because I put myself through hell with treatments? Is it worth that? Many of you who have had success can answer that I guess. I'd like to hear your take on it. But for me, and others who haven't yet had success, and may NEVER have success (let's face facts shall we?), I'm reaching that crossroads.
A friend e-mailed me yesterday and said that I have sounded more upbeat and more like my old, positive, happy self in the last few months. She's right. I have. Why? Because I am letting go. I am not putting my eggs (ha ha!) in the 'fertility' basket anymore. I can't. I can't have that unfailing hope. I have hope, but it isn't going to come at the cost of losing myself. I won't let that happen.
Inuit Adoptions
I read an article in the paper a couple of days ago, about people from my home province (Newfoundland) looking north to the Inuit population for adoption. In "Couples Look North to Adopt Children," the details are laid out: Nunavut has the highest birth rate in Canada (more than double the national average); the Atlantic region has the lowest birth rate in Canada; and the Atlantic region has the highest wait for newborns (14 years in some places). Best of all, in the Inuit culture, there is no stigma made about 'giving away' a baby, rather you 'make a gift' to both the child and the new parents. Sounds like a win-win situation for those couples who are seeking to adopt and who are willing to promise that the child's heritage is not lost. I thought the article was well done. Very sensitive and outlined some of the process. I thought I'd mention it for those interested.
There is good news in the blogging world though; a couple of you have attained the finish line!
Decemberbaby (aka Sara) had a girl on New Year's Eve. Go congratulate her! And Nina over at Stella and/or Ben has a baby girl, born on December 30. What a cutie!
Christmas Meme
I've been tagged for a Christmas Meme by Pam over at Baby Wanted: Apply Within. It's late in coming Pam, but better late than never right?
1. Egg nog or Hot Chocolate?
Egg nog is good, but I prefer Hot Chocolate.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
All wrapped! And marked "To Gil, From Santa."
3. Coloured lights on tree/house or white?
I love the look of all white lights. It looks very classy, but I prefer the traditional look of coloured lights. Oh, all blue lights looks lovely too!
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Real mistletoe? Nope. Fake stuff? Sometimes. Not always.
5. When do you put your decorations up?
The decorations are up and ready to go for December 1. They do not come down before January 6, which is Old Christmas Day, per tradition.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Christmas dinner, turkey and the trimmings, is a must at holiday time.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child.
I was about 6 or 7 years old and my sister is a year younger than me. We were visiting my aunt and uncle on Christmas Eve and we were about to leave for home with Mom and Dad. There, on the cement porch, my sister and I looked up to the night sky and we SWORE up and down that we saw Santa flying overhead. I believed, with all my heart, that I had seen Santa Claus and we were never so anxious to get home and get to bed!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I don't know that I "learned" the truth per se. Somewhere around the age of 10 or 11 I guess I figured it out. But to this day, I believe in Santa, as in I believe in the goodness of all people, the joy in your heart, the giving nature and the abundance of happiness that I experience when I give something I know the recipient will enjoy. The essence of Christmas is giving; and if Santa embodies that, then I embrace it wholeheartedly. Yes Gil, there really IS a Santa Claus.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas eve?
I used to as a child, now I don't. Christmas Eve is more enjoyable for me than Christmas Day and it was always that way. I could prolong Christmas Eve for a week and be thrilled!
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
A total of 850 coloured lights, with a lighted angel at the top. Homemade ornaments that my mother did years ago, old ornaments from my grandmother's and grandfather's tree, and from my Dad's home when he was a boy, a few "mass-produced" ornaments that you can get pretty much anywhere, but most are unique. My mom started giving us an ornament per year when we were kids. When we moved out, we got all our ornaments to take with us. So I have brass ornaments with my name engraved and the year; I have ornaments collected from family vacations at Christmas (1997 in Disney for example), and an ornament that my grandmother made before she passed away. Those are dear to me. I don't know what I would do if I lost them or they were damaged. No tinsel on my tree though; we have cats!
11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
I LOVE SNOW! Hate shovelling it though. :(
12. Can you ice skate?
No. I used to but broke my ankle when I was 10. It's too weak to skate on anymore.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Not particularly. I remember a few gifts, some of which I've tried to track down on the Internet but other than that, no. I do remember the year my sister got a guitar though!
14. What is the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Being surrounded by family and friends.
15. What is your favorite Holiday dessert?
The rum cake that my aunt makes!
16. What is your favorite Holiday tradition?
Delivering gifts on Christmas eve and then having wine while we stuff the stockings.
17. What tops your tree?
A lighted angel.
18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving. Always giving.
19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
There are too many to name but here are a few:
Little Drummer Boy by The Harry Simeone Chorale
Do They Know it's Christmas by Band-Aid
The Angel Gabriel by Sting
A Spaceman Came Travelling by Chris deBurgh
The Holly and the Ivy by Rita MacNeil
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Love em, but in moderation. I prefer chocolate!
Thank you...
... for the prayers and good wishes for my friend and her daughter that I mentioned in my last entry. They're still working through this and trying to make sense of it all. I guess we all are in our own way.
I am so glad that we went to see everyone. Now I have a good frame of reference when my sis talks about driving to this or that place, or how her house is laid out, how far it is to her MIL's house... stuff like that. And I am told that my sis and her husband really enjoyed having us there as well. That's good; I hate to be a burden to people when I stay in their home.
Upon return to Ottawa, we launched ourselves back to some sort of regular routine. Okay, I'm not back at the gym just YET. But I'm getting there. Besides, it's the first week of January; this is the week that all the "New Year's Resolutions" people come out of the woodwork and invade the gym! Etiquette people! Jeez, wipe down the machines when you're done willya!? *shudder* Ugh. Just icky. *wince*
Early January... the time for New Year's Resolutions. Yes, it is that time of the year isn't it? You know something? I have one resolution this year. Sure, I want to lose weight. Sure I want to get out more. Sure, I want to spend more time with family and friends. But the resolution I have?
Do whatever it takes to make me happy.
It's as simple as that. It CAN be as simple as that.
If that means more gym, so be it.
If it means changing jobs (something I'm sort of considering now that I've tasted being a manager), so be it.
If it means travel, so be it.
If it means trying IVF, so be it.
If it means letting go of the dream... so be it.
Scary as it sounds, but I have to live my life right? I have to get through each day, and be happy at the end of the day; otherwise, what's the point? Why put myself through months, years of agony and put my marriage at risk, put my mental health at risk, put my social life on hold... for something that may never be? I want to be a mom, of course. But at the risk of losing myself, of changing who I am? Of losing my husband and putting my sanity at risk? My happiness never to be found again because I put myself through hell with treatments? Is it worth that? Many of you who have had success can answer that I guess. I'd like to hear your take on it. But for me, and others who haven't yet had success, and may NEVER have success (let's face facts shall we?), I'm reaching that crossroads.
A friend e-mailed me yesterday and said that I have sounded more upbeat and more like my old, positive, happy self in the last few months. She's right. I have. Why? Because I am letting go. I am not putting my eggs (ha ha!) in the 'fertility' basket anymore. I can't. I can't have that unfailing hope. I have hope, but it isn't going to come at the cost of losing myself. I won't let that happen.
Inuit Adoptions
I read an article in the paper a couple of days ago, about people from my home province (Newfoundland) looking north to the Inuit population for adoption. In "Couples Look North to Adopt Children," the details are laid out: Nunavut has the highest birth rate in Canada (more than double the national average); the Atlantic region has the lowest birth rate in Canada; and the Atlantic region has the highest wait for newborns (14 years in some places). Best of all, in the Inuit culture, there is no stigma made about 'giving away' a baby, rather you 'make a gift' to both the child and the new parents. Sounds like a win-win situation for those couples who are seeking to adopt and who are willing to promise that the child's heritage is not lost. I thought the article was well done. Very sensitive and outlined some of the process. I thought I'd mention it for those interested.
There is good news in the blogging world though; a couple of you have attained the finish line!
Decemberbaby (aka Sara) had a girl on New Year's Eve. Go congratulate her! And Nina over at Stella and/or Ben has a baby girl, born on December 30. What a cutie!
Christmas Meme
I've been tagged for a Christmas Meme by Pam over at Baby Wanted: Apply Within. It's late in coming Pam, but better late than never right?
1. Egg nog or Hot Chocolate?
Egg nog is good, but I prefer Hot Chocolate.
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
All wrapped! And marked "To Gil, From Santa."
3. Coloured lights on tree/house or white?
I love the look of all white lights. It looks very classy, but I prefer the traditional look of coloured lights. Oh, all blue lights looks lovely too!
4. Do you hang mistletoe?
Real mistletoe? Nope. Fake stuff? Sometimes. Not always.
5. When do you put your decorations up?
The decorations are up and ready to go for December 1. They do not come down before January 6, which is Old Christmas Day, per tradition.
6. What is your favorite holiday dish?
Christmas dinner, turkey and the trimmings, is a must at holiday time.
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child.
I was about 6 or 7 years old and my sister is a year younger than me. We were visiting my aunt and uncle on Christmas Eve and we were about to leave for home with Mom and Dad. There, on the cement porch, my sister and I looked up to the night sky and we SWORE up and down that we saw Santa flying overhead. I believed, with all my heart, that I had seen Santa Claus and we were never so anxious to get home and get to bed!
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
I don't know that I "learned" the truth per se. Somewhere around the age of 10 or 11 I guess I figured it out. But to this day, I believe in Santa, as in I believe in the goodness of all people, the joy in your heart, the giving nature and the abundance of happiness that I experience when I give something I know the recipient will enjoy. The essence of Christmas is giving; and if Santa embodies that, then I embrace it wholeheartedly. Yes Gil, there really IS a Santa Claus.
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas eve?
I used to as a child, now I don't. Christmas Eve is more enjoyable for me than Christmas Day and it was always that way. I could prolong Christmas Eve for a week and be thrilled!
10. How do you decorate your Christmas tree?
A total of 850 coloured lights, with a lighted angel at the top. Homemade ornaments that my mother did years ago, old ornaments from my grandmother's and grandfather's tree, and from my Dad's home when he was a boy, a few "mass-produced" ornaments that you can get pretty much anywhere, but most are unique. My mom started giving us an ornament per year when we were kids. When we moved out, we got all our ornaments to take with us. So I have brass ornaments with my name engraved and the year; I have ornaments collected from family vacations at Christmas (1997 in Disney for example), and an ornament that my grandmother made before she passed away. Those are dear to me. I don't know what I would do if I lost them or they were damaged. No tinsel on my tree though; we have cats!
11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
I LOVE SNOW! Hate shovelling it though. :(
12. Can you ice skate?
No. I used to but broke my ankle when I was 10. It's too weak to skate on anymore.
13. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Not particularly. I remember a few gifts, some of which I've tried to track down on the Internet but other than that, no. I do remember the year my sister got a guitar though!
14. What is the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
Being surrounded by family and friends.
15. What is your favorite Holiday dessert?
The rum cake that my aunt makes!
16. What is your favorite Holiday tradition?
Delivering gifts on Christmas eve and then having wine while we stuff the stockings.
17. What tops your tree?
A lighted angel.
18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
Giving. Always giving.
19. What is your favorite Christmas song?
There are too many to name but here are a few:
Little Drummer Boy by The Harry Simeone Chorale
Do They Know it's Christmas by Band-Aid
The Angel Gabriel by Sting
A Spaceman Came Travelling by Chris deBurgh
The Holly and the Ivy by Rita MacNeil
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Love em, but in moderation. I prefer chocolate!
Thank you...
... for the prayers and good wishes for my friend and her daughter that I mentioned in my last entry. They're still working through this and trying to make sense of it all. I guess we all are in our own way.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
It is December 24, Christmas Eve, and I am sitting in my sister's guest bedroom in West Virginia. Hubby and I decided that instead of sitting back at home and looking at each other as the snow piled up outside, that we'd enjoy our time in the States with my sister, her husband and his family. They've made us feel SO welcome. And it's always wonderful to catch up with my sis. She's so far away from me that it makes it tough to get together with her and have some quality time. It was nice earlier this morning when the guys went out and left me and my sis here together, cooking and preparing dishes for tomorrow's meal... just the two of us chatting and laughing, thinking about family traditions and the things that made our childhood back home so wonderful. I'm glad I have a wonderful sister to reminisce with about these things. It gives me a frame of reference for my life sometimes.
Yes, so December's been a rather hectic month. Let's see... since I last wrote, here are some of the things that I've been busy with:
-- the office moved from one location to another... meaning that my commute just went from 11 km each way to 42 km each way. Nice. NOT. The trade off? I get an office with a door (for now) and a little more space to call my own. That'll change eventually, but for now, I'm enjoying it.
-- finished all my Christmas Cards (about 200 of them) for Canada, the States, France, Belgium, the UK, Australia, New Zealand and Japan. All done!
-- all the shopping for immediate needs is done and wrapped, ready to be ripped open tomorrow morning as we sit in my sis' living room around her tree. Hubby and I will take advantage of after-Christmas sales to pick up gifts for my stepchildren and a birthday gift for my mother (whose birthday is on January 7).
-- I spent a lovely weekend with the stepkids and my friend's daughter (lil K, I'll call her). I picked up Lil K and spent a morning shopping with her and wrapping gifts for her mom, getting things ready for them for Christmas. Then picked up the stepkids and we all went to see the Chipmunk's Christmas movie that's out right now. The kids seemed to really enjoy it so it was all good. Back at our place, we invited another friend for dinner with us and sat down to a lovely meal together before hubby took the kids out to Taffy Lane to see the lights while my friend and I did dishes and sat with a cup of tea. I crashed early (caught a miserable cold from hubby) while the rest of them watched ELF on our HDTV. Hubby saw that the kids got to bed okay and we drove them home after a hearty brunch the next morning. THAT was the morning of the snowstorm. What a mess!
-- Hubby and I have entertained a few folks at our house on different evenings, giving people their gifts and having a drink or two, catching up. It's always nice to spend time with friends over the holidays. I don't do near enough of that during the year.
-- And I guarantee you that we've got about four feet of snow piled on our lawn, mountains of it on the sides of the driveway! What a mess! Canada hasn't had this much snow in December in years! I know we were supposed to have a lot of rain yesterday; I hope it didn't wash it ALL away, otherwise it won't be a white Christmas!
So all of that in December before hubby and I piled gifts, clothing, and a few extras for my sister in the car last Friday and started on the 12-13 hour drive from our house to my sister's house. We made it safe and sound and we'll be here until Saturday I think. A week of down-time. Much needed. Whew!
Before I sign off, I would ask those of you who are the praying kind to say a little prayer for my friend, Lil K's mom. She's been unwell for a few months and the other day, got a diagnosis. Cancer. Things don't look good but there are more tests and likely surgeries on the horizon. The last I knew as well, my husband and I are listed as Lil K's guardians should (heaven forbid) anything happen to my friend. I am hoping against hope that my friend will pull through this. Both she and Lil K have had a lot of upheaval in their lives. This is quite a bit to ask them to handle. So if you can, please include them in your thoughts at this time. I know all prayers are welcome.
Prayers to you all from me, for a happy Christmas season (or Hanukkah, Kwanza, heck... even Festivus!) and may 2008 be filled with joy and laughter. May all our dreams come true.
Yes, so December's been a rather hectic month. Let's see... since I last wrote, here are some of the things that I've been busy with:
-- the office moved from one location to another... meaning that my commute just went from 11 km each way to 42 km each way. Nice. NOT. The trade off? I get an office with a door (for now) and a little more space to call my own. That'll change eventually, but for now, I'm enjoying it.
-- finished all my Christmas Cards (about 200 of them) for Canada, the States, France, Belgium, the UK, Australia, New Zealand and Japan. All done!
-- all the shopping for immediate needs is done and wrapped, ready to be ripped open tomorrow morning as we sit in my sis' living room around her tree. Hubby and I will take advantage of after-Christmas sales to pick up gifts for my stepchildren and a birthday gift for my mother (whose birthday is on January 7).
-- I spent a lovely weekend with the stepkids and my friend's daughter (lil K, I'll call her). I picked up Lil K and spent a morning shopping with her and wrapping gifts for her mom, getting things ready for them for Christmas. Then picked up the stepkids and we all went to see the Chipmunk's Christmas movie that's out right now. The kids seemed to really enjoy it so it was all good. Back at our place, we invited another friend for dinner with us and sat down to a lovely meal together before hubby took the kids out to Taffy Lane to see the lights while my friend and I did dishes and sat with a cup of tea. I crashed early (caught a miserable cold from hubby) while the rest of them watched ELF on our HDTV. Hubby saw that the kids got to bed okay and we drove them home after a hearty brunch the next morning. THAT was the morning of the snowstorm. What a mess!
-- Hubby and I have entertained a few folks at our house on different evenings, giving people their gifts and having a drink or two, catching up. It's always nice to spend time with friends over the holidays. I don't do near enough of that during the year.
-- And I guarantee you that we've got about four feet of snow piled on our lawn, mountains of it on the sides of the driveway! What a mess! Canada hasn't had this much snow in December in years! I know we were supposed to have a lot of rain yesterday; I hope it didn't wash it ALL away, otherwise it won't be a white Christmas!
So all of that in December before hubby and I piled gifts, clothing, and a few extras for my sister in the car last Friday and started on the 12-13 hour drive from our house to my sister's house. We made it safe and sound and we'll be here until Saturday I think. A week of down-time. Much needed. Whew!
Before I sign off, I would ask those of you who are the praying kind to say a little prayer for my friend, Lil K's mom. She's been unwell for a few months and the other day, got a diagnosis. Cancer. Things don't look good but there are more tests and likely surgeries on the horizon. The last I knew as well, my husband and I are listed as Lil K's guardians should (heaven forbid) anything happen to my friend. I am hoping against hope that my friend will pull through this. Both she and Lil K have had a lot of upheaval in their lives. This is quite a bit to ask them to handle. So if you can, please include them in your thoughts at this time. I know all prayers are welcome.
Prayers to you all from me, for a happy Christmas season (or Hanukkah, Kwanza, heck... even Festivus!) and may 2008 be filled with joy and laughter. May all our dreams come true.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
In Dreams
Thank you all for the kind words, e-mails, and even the visits to my office (a co-worker spotted last week's article!) with your encouragement and kudos for my contributions to the Globe and Mail's blogging article last week. I think everyone has been very understanding and the support that I have seen and received in the last week has been incredible. I thank you. Each and every one of you for that. It means a great deal to me.
I wanted to write today and discuss a particularly vivid dream that I had the other night. So vivid was it, that it woke me and I remember my heart racing a mile a minute, fear's tendrils invading my space. Here goes...
I was in a small village by an ocean, friendly and accommodating. The type of town where everyone knows everyone else. But there was an underlying hurried nature and fright that was palpapable. There was a huge, ferocious, black bull, complete with nose ring, that was coming to terrorize the village. We could see it coming so we packed up our midday lunch (a picnic, including the traditional red and white checkered tablecloths) and we got into our cars. Most of the cars were convertibles; I had a red one. I drove, and my husband was with me.
We drove in a convoy, out of the village and up the main road. The road was an extremely steep hill; so much so that we thought the bull couldn't get up the hill. At the top of the hill, a few kilometres away from the seaside village, there was a large, old, white house on the right side of the road, with a vast property, surrounded by green grass. (I'm not sure why all the colours were so bright in this dream; that's odd for me to take note of these things.)
We parked the cars, in a neat row (side by side), on the grass in front of the house. Then we spread out our picnic on the grass and on picnic tables, and the villagers began to have lunch. I remember music playing and having a glorious time. We had drinks, and socialized, and it was lovely.
But the afternoon was marred by the sight of the bill coming up the hill and towards us. Getting away from this bull became the focus of my dream. I grabbed my husband's hand and we went into the house; we weren't the only ones with that idea though. Many people sought refuge in the house. Some sought refuge in their cars though... again, many of which were convertibles. The bull ran up to the row of cars and began trampling them, ruining the steel, twisting and crumpling the metal, killing some of the people who had tried to escape its wrath.
The bull then came towards the house, and managed to get through the door (it was wide). The bull came through the house, into the kitchen, and people scattered everywhere. We had run downstairs, figuring that the bull couldn't get down there, and we listened to the bull wrecking the floor above us. When we heard it move to the other side of the house, we ran upstairs again. Some people tried to coax us outside, but I wasn't having any of it knowing that the bull could get outside again. Not safe enough for us.
However, someone (I don't remember who) beckoned to me from down a narrow hallway. It was safe down there... the bull's horns spanned wider than the narrow hallway and thus it couldn't get to the rooms down there. My husband and I slipped down the hallway quickly, heading into the room on the right, to join a few other people. We heard the bull, pacing back and forth at the end of the hallway.
I remember going to the door of the room, peering down the hallway to my left, my eyes met the bull's and I stared at it, my heart racing, beating out of my chest with fear. The bull tried, but couldn't get to me. The bull rammed its horns against the walls of the house, the edges of the hallway, trying to get to us. But I knew I was safe. I knew that despite its best efforts, the bull couldn't get to us.
That didn't stop me from being afraid though, and I stepped back into the room, and peered down the hallway, watching the bull until it moved towards the front door again.
That's when I woke. My psyche was obviously terrified, but of course I realized there was no bull. There was no convertible. There were no deaths and carnage and no hill to the village by the ocean.
So what does this dream mean? What is that bull? Why the convertibles? Why was mine red? Why the narrow hallway? If anyone has any knowledge of dream interpretation, I'd love to hear your take on this. I've thought about this dream ever since; for the last four days. I've no idea what this might represent; all I know is that for some reason, it feels significant.
I wanted to write today and discuss a particularly vivid dream that I had the other night. So vivid was it, that it woke me and I remember my heart racing a mile a minute, fear's tendrils invading my space. Here goes...
I was in a small village by an ocean, friendly and accommodating. The type of town where everyone knows everyone else. But there was an underlying hurried nature and fright that was palpapable. There was a huge, ferocious, black bull, complete with nose ring, that was coming to terrorize the village. We could see it coming so we packed up our midday lunch (a picnic, including the traditional red and white checkered tablecloths) and we got into our cars. Most of the cars were convertibles; I had a red one. I drove, and my husband was with me.
We drove in a convoy, out of the village and up the main road. The road was an extremely steep hill; so much so that we thought the bull couldn't get up the hill. At the top of the hill, a few kilometres away from the seaside village, there was a large, old, white house on the right side of the road, with a vast property, surrounded by green grass. (I'm not sure why all the colours were so bright in this dream; that's odd for me to take note of these things.)
We parked the cars, in a neat row (side by side), on the grass in front of the house. Then we spread out our picnic on the grass and on picnic tables, and the villagers began to have lunch. I remember music playing and having a glorious time. We had drinks, and socialized, and it was lovely.
But the afternoon was marred by the sight of the bill coming up the hill and towards us. Getting away from this bull became the focus of my dream. I grabbed my husband's hand and we went into the house; we weren't the only ones with that idea though. Many people sought refuge in the house. Some sought refuge in their cars though... again, many of which were convertibles. The bull ran up to the row of cars and began trampling them, ruining the steel, twisting and crumpling the metal, killing some of the people who had tried to escape its wrath.
The bull then came towards the house, and managed to get through the door (it was wide). The bull came through the house, into the kitchen, and people scattered everywhere. We had run downstairs, figuring that the bull couldn't get down there, and we listened to the bull wrecking the floor above us. When we heard it move to the other side of the house, we ran upstairs again. Some people tried to coax us outside, but I wasn't having any of it knowing that the bull could get outside again. Not safe enough for us.
However, someone (I don't remember who) beckoned to me from down a narrow hallway. It was safe down there... the bull's horns spanned wider than the narrow hallway and thus it couldn't get to the rooms down there. My husband and I slipped down the hallway quickly, heading into the room on the right, to join a few other people. We heard the bull, pacing back and forth at the end of the hallway.
I remember going to the door of the room, peering down the hallway to my left, my eyes met the bull's and I stared at it, my heart racing, beating out of my chest with fear. The bull tried, but couldn't get to me. The bull rammed its horns against the walls of the house, the edges of the hallway, trying to get to us. But I knew I was safe. I knew that despite its best efforts, the bull couldn't get to us.
That didn't stop me from being afraid though, and I stepped back into the room, and peered down the hallway, watching the bull until it moved towards the front door again.
That's when I woke. My psyche was obviously terrified, but of course I realized there was no bull. There was no convertible. There were no deaths and carnage and no hill to the village by the ocean.
So what does this dream mean? What is that bull? Why the convertibles? Why was mine red? Why the narrow hallway? If anyone has any knowledge of dream interpretation, I'd love to hear your take on this. I've thought about this dream ever since; for the last four days. I've no idea what this might represent; all I know is that for some reason, it feels significant.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
IF in the Headlines!
The article appears today. Here's a link, which will function for a week or so I guess.
Baby-desperate moms share every detail online
To Mel, Tertia, Julie and all the women who contributed: congratulations to you. I think you've all done a splendid job! Be proud.
Tralee, hats off to you girl! I appreciate your taking the time to talk to me the other day and to present what is a sensitive topic. This is a beautiful article. Thank you for shining the spotlight on us for a fleeting moment.
And lastly to Bill, the gentleman who took my photo for the article the other day, thank you. I hope you got something to work with!
Baby-desperate moms share every detail online
TRALEE PEARCE
Globe and Mail Update
November 27, 2007 at 6:37 AM EST
Gillian Wood has been trying to get pregnant for three years. She's used fertility drugs, tried intrauterine insemination and has even been tested for in-vitro fertilization.
She considers none of this private information. Instead, Ms. Wood, who hopes to embark on in-vitro sessions soon, is sharing every last detail of her experience, fears and all, via her blog, the Hardest Quest.
"I am so afraid to take that next step," she writes of her infertility journey. "You cannot imagine. (Okay, maybe some of you can. But right now, it seems overwhelming and immense to me.)"
This is the world of the infertility blog.
Here, women (and a few men) relay every medical moment, every disappointment and every shred of hope they find in their attempts to have babies.
They share tips on injecting fertility drugs and freezing embryos. They commiserate about insensitive queries from friends and family members, and seek out "cycle buddies" whose ovulation and fertility treatments align.
Infertility blogging has won more adherents, and sites have proliferated over the past 18 months, some say. One of the infertility world's most famous bloggers, Melissa, a.k.a. the Stirrup Queen, says that during her first hard-won pregnancy three years ago (which resulted in twins), bulletin boards and chat rooms were all she could find.
Now, her highly visible blog competes with dozens of others and, like its competitors, has a growing core of loyal readers. "I see myself as a blogger, but also as a pollinator, bringing together bloggers who may have missed each other otherwise," the 33-year-old says by e-mail from the Washington area. (She declines to share her surname.)
May Friedman, a women's studies PhD student at Toronto's York University who studies infertility and mothering blogs, says such forums bring together two of the Web's major hallmarks: anonymity and confession.
Tell-all blogs are safe places for the infertile to overcome the shame and isolation they may feel about infertility. They can "come out," if you will.
Ms. Wood, 37, says she started the blog as an outlet for all the emotions she and her husband were facing - not to mention as a practical spot to record all her drug doses and ovulation schedules. "I thought, 'I'll do it for me; if I get readers, cool,' " says Ms. Wood, a technical writer and editor in Ottawa. "You tell it like it is - you can be as emotional as you want."
Julie, of the blog A Little Pregnant, was also searching for an outlet. She has written about her ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage and, finally, her high-risk pregnancy and 10-weeks-early delivery of a son. Now she and her husband are trying again.
The 36-year-old Vermont native was uncomfortable opening up with family members, but "my blog allowed me to do that, to be frank about what I was going through," she says in an e-mail. When well-meaning friends didn't understand, "I had friends inside the computer who could."
For many, blogs allow for some black humour. Julie defends using salty language on her blog: "You try having your uterus filled with glow-in-the-dark dye, and then we'll discuss what kind of language seems appropriate."
Along the way, readers and writers alike share any expertise they have gained. "My doctor taught me how to give myself an injection," Melissa says. But online, "another infertile woman was the one who taught me how to make an injection less painful."
Community members quickly adopt an insider lexicon - much of it built on medical acronyms: RE is the reproductive endocrinologist; OPK is an ovulation predictor kit.
As South African infertility blogger Tertia writes: "The infertility world is a subculture on its own. It has its own set of rules of interaction, its own language, class system, social hierarchy. ... It is not a culture you willingly belong to, but it becomes perversely comforting once you are in it."
It can also be a complicated place to be when you finally get pregnant. While a positive pregnancy test is the Holy Grail, it also poses a problem.
The editors of Redbook magazine recently found this out when they introduced a new blogger, Lili, to their Infertility Diaries this July. Her first post mentioned she was just back from maternity leave with twins, which threw many readers for a loop.
One, called SarahKt, wrote: "Lili's wonderful announcement of returning from maternity leave ... made my insides ball up into a big barren knot. ... Maybe this isn't the space for me at this time. ... It might be nice to have an expanded reach into voices in the infertile world? To hear from others whose stories are still quite ... barren?"
Julie of A Little Pregnant joined Lili as a Redbook blogger in August. So far, she has not found herself in the middle of controversy, despite having a child. This may be because she is already known as a successful infertility blogger.
Nonetheless, she's keenly aware of the fraught relationship infertility bloggers and their audience have with pregnancy.
She says discord can also arise when someone expresses disappointment about the gender of her baby-to-be or wishes fleetingly that she wasn't having twins - or even complains about how uncomfortable she is in the last few weeks before birth, she says. "It's sometimes hard to be happy for someone else when we're so unhappy for ourselves."
It's too early for Ms. Wood to worry about the politics of getting pregnant. For now, she and her husband eagerly look forward to another round of in-vitro fertilization. She may have a successful blog, but she desperately hopes to move beyond infertility. "I never envisioned a life without children."
Online lingo
Infertility blogs boast an entire lexicon of terms, ranging from actual medical terminology to neologisms that reflect the reality of infertile couples.
IF: infertility
FTTA: fertile thoughts to all
RE: reproductive endocrinologist
IVF: in-vitro fertilization
IUI: intrauterine insemination
FET: frozen embryo transfer
BFN: big fat negative (on a pregnancy test)
BFP: big fat positive
BMS: baby-making sex
DE: donor eggs
DPO: days post-ovulation
DPR: days post-retrieval (of eggs)
DPT: days post-transfer
OPK: ovulation predictor kit
Post-beta cry: the letdown after a negative or questionable pregnancy test
Follie: egg-producing follicles
Vagacamera: wand-like device that takes internal sonogram
Wand monkey: the technician who operates the device
2WW: two-week wait to find out whether a treatment during ovulation succeeded
Assvice: unsolicited, stupid suggestions made by people who know nothing about infertility
LBC: live baby check. An ultrasound for no other reason than to reassure a neurotic would-be mom that her baby is, in fact, just fine
DBT: dead baby thoughts
Sources: stirrup-queens.blogspot.com, http://www.alittlepregnant.com, thehardestquest.blogspot.com and fertilityplus.org/faq/acronyms.html
Baby-desperate moms share every detail online
To Mel, Tertia, Julie and all the women who contributed: congratulations to you. I think you've all done a splendid job! Be proud.
Tralee, hats off to you girl! I appreciate your taking the time to talk to me the other day and to present what is a sensitive topic. This is a beautiful article. Thank you for shining the spotlight on us for a fleeting moment.
And lastly to Bill, the gentleman who took my photo for the article the other day, thank you. I hope you got something to work with!
Baby-desperate moms share every detail online
TRALEE PEARCE
Globe and Mail Update
November 27, 2007 at 6:37 AM EST
Gillian Wood has been trying to get pregnant for three years. She's used fertility drugs, tried intrauterine insemination and has even been tested for in-vitro fertilization.
She considers none of this private information. Instead, Ms. Wood, who hopes to embark on in-vitro sessions soon, is sharing every last detail of her experience, fears and all, via her blog, the Hardest Quest.
"I am so afraid to take that next step," she writes of her infertility journey. "You cannot imagine. (Okay, maybe some of you can. But right now, it seems overwhelming and immense to me.)"
This is the world of the infertility blog.
Here, women (and a few men) relay every medical moment, every disappointment and every shred of hope they find in their attempts to have babies.
They share tips on injecting fertility drugs and freezing embryos. They commiserate about insensitive queries from friends and family members, and seek out "cycle buddies" whose ovulation and fertility treatments align.
Infertility blogging has won more adherents, and sites have proliferated over the past 18 months, some say. One of the infertility world's most famous bloggers, Melissa, a.k.a. the Stirrup Queen, says that during her first hard-won pregnancy three years ago (which resulted in twins), bulletin boards and chat rooms were all she could find.
Now, her highly visible blog competes with dozens of others and, like its competitors, has a growing core of loyal readers. "I see myself as a blogger, but also as a pollinator, bringing together bloggers who may have missed each other otherwise," the 33-year-old says by e-mail from the Washington area. (She declines to share her surname.)
May Friedman, a women's studies PhD student at Toronto's York University who studies infertility and mothering blogs, says such forums bring together two of the Web's major hallmarks: anonymity and confession.
Tell-all blogs are safe places for the infertile to overcome the shame and isolation they may feel about infertility. They can "come out," if you will.
Ms. Wood, 37, says she started the blog as an outlet for all the emotions she and her husband were facing - not to mention as a practical spot to record all her drug doses and ovulation schedules. "I thought, 'I'll do it for me; if I get readers, cool,' " says Ms. Wood, a technical writer and editor in Ottawa. "You tell it like it is - you can be as emotional as you want."
Julie, of the blog A Little Pregnant, was also searching for an outlet. She has written about her ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage and, finally, her high-risk pregnancy and 10-weeks-early delivery of a son. Now she and her husband are trying again.
The 36-year-old Vermont native was uncomfortable opening up with family members, but "my blog allowed me to do that, to be frank about what I was going through," she says in an e-mail. When well-meaning friends didn't understand, "I had friends inside the computer who could."
For many, blogs allow for some black humour. Julie defends using salty language on her blog: "You try having your uterus filled with glow-in-the-dark dye, and then we'll discuss what kind of language seems appropriate."
Along the way, readers and writers alike share any expertise they have gained. "My doctor taught me how to give myself an injection," Melissa says. But online, "another infertile woman was the one who taught me how to make an injection less painful."
Community members quickly adopt an insider lexicon - much of it built on medical acronyms: RE is the reproductive endocrinologist; OPK is an ovulation predictor kit.
As South African infertility blogger Tertia writes: "The infertility world is a subculture on its own. It has its own set of rules of interaction, its own language, class system, social hierarchy. ... It is not a culture you willingly belong to, but it becomes perversely comforting once you are in it."
It can also be a complicated place to be when you finally get pregnant. While a positive pregnancy test is the Holy Grail, it also poses a problem.
The editors of Redbook magazine recently found this out when they introduced a new blogger, Lili, to their Infertility Diaries this July. Her first post mentioned she was just back from maternity leave with twins, which threw many readers for a loop.
One, called SarahKt, wrote: "Lili's wonderful announcement of returning from maternity leave ... made my insides ball up into a big barren knot. ... Maybe this isn't the space for me at this time. ... It might be nice to have an expanded reach into voices in the infertile world? To hear from others whose stories are still quite ... barren?"
Julie of A Little Pregnant joined Lili as a Redbook blogger in August. So far, she has not found herself in the middle of controversy, despite having a child. This may be because she is already known as a successful infertility blogger.
Nonetheless, she's keenly aware of the fraught relationship infertility bloggers and their audience have with pregnancy.
She says discord can also arise when someone expresses disappointment about the gender of her baby-to-be or wishes fleetingly that she wasn't having twins - or even complains about how uncomfortable she is in the last few weeks before birth, she says. "It's sometimes hard to be happy for someone else when we're so unhappy for ourselves."
It's too early for Ms. Wood to worry about the politics of getting pregnant. For now, she and her husband eagerly look forward to another round of in-vitro fertilization. She may have a successful blog, but she desperately hopes to move beyond infertility. "I never envisioned a life without children."
Online lingo
Infertility blogs boast an entire lexicon of terms, ranging from actual medical terminology to neologisms that reflect the reality of infertile couples.
IF: infertility
FTTA: fertile thoughts to all
RE: reproductive endocrinologist
IVF: in-vitro fertilization
IUI: intrauterine insemination
FET: frozen embryo transfer
BFN: big fat negative (on a pregnancy test)
BFP: big fat positive
BMS: baby-making sex
DE: donor eggs
DPO: days post-ovulation
DPR: days post-retrieval (of eggs)
DPT: days post-transfer
OPK: ovulation predictor kit
Post-beta cry: the letdown after a negative or questionable pregnancy test
Follie: egg-producing follicles
Vagacamera: wand-like device that takes internal sonogram
Wand monkey: the technician who operates the device
2WW: two-week wait to find out whether a treatment during ovulation succeeded
Assvice: unsolicited, stupid suggestions made by people who know nothing about infertility
LBC: live baby check. An ultrasound for no other reason than to reassure a neurotic would-be mom that her baby is, in fact, just fine
DBT: dead baby thoughts
Sources: stirrup-queens.blogspot.com, http://www.alittlepregnant.com, thehardestquest.blogspot.com and fertilityplus.org/faq/acronyms.html
Friday, November 23, 2007
An Interesting Turn of Events
I sat at the keyboard the other day, checking gaming forums, reading your blogging updates (heavens I really need to update my sidebar!), perusing flights to somewhere sunny for the Christmas holiday season (you know, to forget that this is yet another holiday without a child), among other things. And as I frequently do, I opened up my g-mail account to check my messages. What I saw there piqued my interest.
I received an e-mail from a writer for a prominent Canadian newspaper. She had stumbled across this blog and she wanted to know more; would I be interested in speaking with her?
Here, I have to confess (because I know she'll be reading this!), my initial thoughts were, "Riiiiight," (insert sarcastic voice), "Who's yankin' my chain?" So I do what any technologically inclined blogger would do: I Googled her. That lead me to some of her previous articles. She is real and no one is yankin' my chain. Neat!
Now the best part: she's not just interested in me per se, she's interested in the community of IF bloggers. Get that girls?! Yes indeed, you read that right. Our community.
Well, after I got over my initial shock, I replied to her via e-mail. In short, my answer was, "Oh yes, I'm interested in speaking about this. Here's my number, give me a call."
This morning I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with her. I answered her questions surrounding blogging in general: why do I do it? What lead me to it? What sorts of readers do I have? And other questions about my personal journey on this road: where are we now? What are our next steps? What does having a baby mean to me?
You know... the questions we all have answered a dozen times in our minds. It's interesting to know that someone out there is listening.
I can say this with absolute certainty: Even if we never get anywhere with our quests, if we never reach our goals, if we never fulfill our dreams, at least we can educate. We can put a face on the pain and hurt. We can show the world that infertility is real. Infertility affects many people in a myriad of ways. Infertility is not something to be ashamed of or afraid of. Infertility is part of our lives, it is a part of who we are now.
What we go through here makes us stronger. We never realized how much we could do until we were pushed beyond our limits. We never understood that there was an entire world of women (and men) out there going through the SAME thing and with whom we can relate.
You, ladies and gentlemen, you GET IT. And I am proud to have such a wonderful community to turn to for advice, assistance and emotional support. You have helped me more than you can possibly know. Kudos to you. YOU make the difference.
By the way, as a follow-up, I expect a photographer at my house on Sunday. Frankly, I don't think he'll get much to work with (not unless they want to frighten their subscribers!) but hey, if I can put a face on infertility and tell part of my story, shining a light on this subject for other suffering infertiles, our government and policy-makers, then I'll do everything to make that happen. Wish me luck. Oh, and if I can find out when said article is going to be published, I'll let you know.
I received an e-mail from a writer for a prominent Canadian newspaper. She had stumbled across this blog and she wanted to know more; would I be interested in speaking with her?
Here, I have to confess (because I know she'll be reading this!), my initial thoughts were, "Riiiiight," (insert sarcastic voice), "Who's yankin' my chain?" So I do what any technologically inclined blogger would do: I Googled her. That lead me to some of her previous articles. She is real and no one is yankin' my chain. Neat!
Now the best part: she's not just interested in me per se, she's interested in the community of IF bloggers. Get that girls?! Yes indeed, you read that right. Our community.
Well, after I got over my initial shock, I replied to her via e-mail. In short, my answer was, "Oh yes, I'm interested in speaking about this. Here's my number, give me a call."
This morning I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with her. I answered her questions surrounding blogging in general: why do I do it? What lead me to it? What sorts of readers do I have? And other questions about my personal journey on this road: where are we now? What are our next steps? What does having a baby mean to me?
You know... the questions we all have answered a dozen times in our minds. It's interesting to know that someone out there is listening.
I can say this with absolute certainty: Even if we never get anywhere with our quests, if we never reach our goals, if we never fulfill our dreams, at least we can educate. We can put a face on the pain and hurt. We can show the world that infertility is real. Infertility affects many people in a myriad of ways. Infertility is not something to be ashamed of or afraid of. Infertility is part of our lives, it is a part of who we are now.
What we go through here makes us stronger. We never realized how much we could do until we were pushed beyond our limits. We never understood that there was an entire world of women (and men) out there going through the SAME thing and with whom we can relate.
You, ladies and gentlemen, you GET IT. And I am proud to have such a wonderful community to turn to for advice, assistance and emotional support. You have helped me more than you can possibly know. Kudos to you. YOU make the difference.
By the way, as a follow-up, I expect a photographer at my house on Sunday. Frankly, I don't think he'll get much to work with (not unless they want to frighten their subscribers!) but hey, if I can put a face on infertility and tell part of my story, shining a light on this subject for other suffering infertiles, our government and policy-makers, then I'll do everything to make that happen. Wish me luck. Oh, and if I can find out when said article is going to be published, I'll let you know.
Friday, November 16, 2007
I need a virtual bar. Now.
I'm getting back in the swing of things at the office following my return from Newfoundland. It was lovely to see the folks and to spend time at Cape Spear, go to Middle Cove, have proper fish and chips, and all that good stuff. Of course, it's also accompanied by the recognition of changes in my family each time I go home now. Seeing my mom and dad get older. Watching them try to do the things that used to come so easily and quickly... and now things take time. Seeing them slow down is tough I guess. I mean, realistically you know it has to happen, but you always hope you can prolong it. Just a little more. Hope that you don't have to see it in YOUR parents... that sort of thing. In the last few years, I've debated moving back home. I haven't ruled it out yet, but you can be certain there are no opportunities for IUI or IVF in Newfoundland. The closest in Nova Scotia, and that would be rather costly on a repeated basis. That's for sure.
Back here in Canada's capital, it's downright chilly today. Yesterday hubby and I hung the Christmas lights. No, they're not turned on, but they're up! It's so much easier to put them up when it isn't -5 outside! Brrr! Would you believe I saw my first snowflakes of the season today? Winter's coming fast! And here I am with NOT ONE CHRISTMAS CARD DONE! I'd better get a move on.
In the office this week, I talked with one of my co-workers. He and his wife (she's my age, 37) have been married for quite awhile. They had decided before getting married that they weren't going to have a family. Well, as they grow a little older, they are rethinking that plan. But his wife still doesn't want/need to experience the whole "being P" thing. So they are looking into adoption with the Children's Aid Society. They've been to an information session and have the package of documents that they now have to fill out. They're considering taking a sibling pair, either same or opposite sex. I would like to pick his brain a little more (in private) about how the process works and more to the point, how did they, as a couple, come to that decision. What fears and concerns did they have and how did they resolve them before getting to that point?
I've been asked (as many of us have), "Well, why don't you just adopt? There are so many children in the world looking for a home." I don't know why we haven't looked into it. Something tells me it isn't our route. I can't explain it really; but it's just not calling to me. It's not something I can see myself doing, but again, I don't know why exactly. Very hard to explain. And very hard to understand. And if I can't understand it myself, then what is stopping me at all? Tough questions. I dunno if I have the answers.
And where are we with the IVF stuff? Nowhere. Not at all. I haven't made any decisions. I haven't gone for bloodwork. I haven't thought about "what next" because it scares the bejeesus outta me. I am so afraid to take that next step. You cannot imagine. (Okay, maybe some of you can. But right now, it seems overwhelming and immense to me.) If I make the decision to try, and fail, I will be devastated, with little support around me. If I make the decision to not try, it's a 50-50 thought: part of me will regret and always say, "I should have tried it" and the other part of me can justify it and say, "So it could theoretically have worked (and thus I'm not a total failure)." That is huge in my mind for some reason. Why? I don't know. But it's immense.
I'll tell you what's immense: hubby and I are going to a girlfriend's 30th birthday party tomorrow. Said girlfriend, myself, and one or two others who will be there are in the IF boat and have tried IUI more than once with no success. We're on the rollercoaster. Still. And yet, tomorrow evening, one of my former co-workers and her husband will be in attendance... accompanied by their six-week old infant.
Now I know it isn't fair to the new parents to ask them to leave such a young child at home. And rationally, I know it's silly of me to want to avoid this new young family. But I do. Yet I WANT to go to my girlfriend's party! Dammit, I do NOT want this to control my life. But it seems to, far too often. I talked to my girlfriend tonight (she and her husband made sure I was aware this infant would be there, God love them for their sensitivity and knowing I need to be prepared). I told her that hubby and I would be there, and the duration of our stay would really depend on how I felt and how well I would be able to handle it all. She understands, of course. I just hate that my brain stops to dwell on this at all. "Normal" people don't think twice about it, do they? I know I wouldn't have in my pre-IF days. In fact, I would probably have been excited to see the baby. But now? Eeesh.
Hand me the rum. I think I'm gonna need a drink to get through this. Pull up a stool and share. I'm not sure about Mel's bar, but this one is open.
Back here in Canada's capital, it's downright chilly today. Yesterday hubby and I hung the Christmas lights. No, they're not turned on, but they're up! It's so much easier to put them up when it isn't -5 outside! Brrr! Would you believe I saw my first snowflakes of the season today? Winter's coming fast! And here I am with NOT ONE CHRISTMAS CARD DONE! I'd better get a move on.
In the office this week, I talked with one of my co-workers. He and his wife (she's my age, 37) have been married for quite awhile. They had decided before getting married that they weren't going to have a family. Well, as they grow a little older, they are rethinking that plan. But his wife still doesn't want/need to experience the whole "being P" thing. So they are looking into adoption with the Children's Aid Society. They've been to an information session and have the package of documents that they now have to fill out. They're considering taking a sibling pair, either same or opposite sex. I would like to pick his brain a little more (in private) about how the process works and more to the point, how did they, as a couple, come to that decision. What fears and concerns did they have and how did they resolve them before getting to that point?
I've been asked (as many of us have), "Well, why don't you just adopt? There are so many children in the world looking for a home." I don't know why we haven't looked into it. Something tells me it isn't our route. I can't explain it really; but it's just not calling to me. It's not something I can see myself doing, but again, I don't know why exactly. Very hard to explain. And very hard to understand. And if I can't understand it myself, then what is stopping me at all? Tough questions. I dunno if I have the answers.
And where are we with the IVF stuff? Nowhere. Not at all. I haven't made any decisions. I haven't gone for bloodwork. I haven't thought about "what next" because it scares the bejeesus outta me. I am so afraid to take that next step. You cannot imagine. (Okay, maybe some of you can. But right now, it seems overwhelming and immense to me.) If I make the decision to try, and fail, I will be devastated, with little support around me. If I make the decision to not try, it's a 50-50 thought: part of me will regret and always say, "I should have tried it" and the other part of me can justify it and say, "So it could theoretically have worked (and thus I'm not a total failure)." That is huge in my mind for some reason. Why? I don't know. But it's immense.
I'll tell you what's immense: hubby and I are going to a girlfriend's 30th birthday party tomorrow. Said girlfriend, myself, and one or two others who will be there are in the IF boat and have tried IUI more than once with no success. We're on the rollercoaster. Still. And yet, tomorrow evening, one of my former co-workers and her husband will be in attendance... accompanied by their six-week old infant.
Now I know it isn't fair to the new parents to ask them to leave such a young child at home. And rationally, I know it's silly of me to want to avoid this new young family. But I do. Yet I WANT to go to my girlfriend's party! Dammit, I do NOT want this to control my life. But it seems to, far too often. I talked to my girlfriend tonight (she and her husband made sure I was aware this infant would be there, God love them for their sensitivity and knowing I need to be prepared). I told her that hubby and I would be there, and the duration of our stay would really depend on how I felt and how well I would be able to handle it all. She understands, of course. I just hate that my brain stops to dwell on this at all. "Normal" people don't think twice about it, do they? I know I wouldn't have in my pre-IF days. In fact, I would probably have been excited to see the baby. But now? Eeesh.
Hand me the rum. I think I'm gonna need a drink to get through this. Pull up a stool and share. I'm not sure about Mel's bar, but this one is open.
Friday, November 02, 2007
A Halloween Horror Story
So, here I sit. It's November 2 and I'm at 'home' in Newfoundland with my family on a bit of a vacation. It was sorely needed, for both me and my family I think.
I sat at the kitchen table last night, talking to my mom, and her best friend for a few hours. This is a woman I've known since I was knee high to a grasshopper, whose children played with me and my sis when we were all children together, living on the same street. The topic turned, as it often does, to the 'kids' from the old neighborhood (yes, yes, I'm one of the gaggle of 'kids' included therein), and where they all are, who's doing what, who's working where, etc. La la la... work, husbands, problems... and the elephant in the room, children. Mom looks at me and says, "So tell Mrs. M. what you've been up to this year Gil." And I give her THE LOOK. Raising a brow, and sort of insinuating, "Do you really want me to tell what I've been up to this year Mom, or are you looking for something else here?"
I stammered. *insert shifty eyes here* I "ummed" and "errred" back and forth and then I finally said, "Well, this year has been a helluva year for me and hubby, so we indulged around August and took a vacation to Vegas to celebrate our anniversary." I thought: Okay, I'll leave it at that and see what comes of this convo. I pick up my mug of hot tea and Mom pokes me, "Tell her why it's been a helluva year. Not like you are getting divorced or anything. You just can't say it's been a helluva year and leave it at that."
I set down my mug and looked her square in the face and said, "Hubby and I have gone through our third year of infertility treatments. I dealt with a second miscarriage last year. We've spent over 9K and used donor sperm. And now, we're looking at IVF in Montreal at a cost of about 15K. That's been our year. The trip to Vegas was a sort of consolation prize."
Seriously, when Mom pulled out pics of Mrs. M's second (and latest) grandchild (who looks just like her mother, one of my childhood friends), I almost cried. I had to bury my face behind that huge mug of tea and try not to think about it.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE coming home and hearing about all of what's going on, how everyone is doing, where everyone is these days, etc. But knowing that our family seems to be the only one without grandchildren... it is so painful to deal with. Mom knows what we are going through, and although she understands the logistics of it, no one here really "gets" the psychological aspects of it. They cannot fathom what it's like for me. They do not know how hard it is to see those photos and hear about this one's new baby and that one's pregnancy, and oh they just had their third. Part of me cracks inside each time I hear that. I cannot get away.
It's the most difficult thing in the world to dress up for Halloween, and answer the door at my parents' home, loving the costumes the little kids are in... and wishing to God that I could go out Trick-or-Treating with my own daughter or son. I don't know if I will ever get that opportunity.
And there it goes again... the sound of my heart cracking.
I sat at the kitchen table last night, talking to my mom, and her best friend for a few hours. This is a woman I've known since I was knee high to a grasshopper, whose children played with me and my sis when we were all children together, living on the same street. The topic turned, as it often does, to the 'kids' from the old neighborhood (yes, yes, I'm one of the gaggle of 'kids' included therein), and where they all are, who's doing what, who's working where, etc. La la la... work, husbands, problems... and the elephant in the room, children. Mom looks at me and says, "So tell Mrs. M. what you've been up to this year Gil." And I give her THE LOOK. Raising a brow, and sort of insinuating, "Do you really want me to tell what I've been up to this year Mom, or are you looking for something else here?"
I stammered. *insert shifty eyes here* I "ummed" and "errred" back and forth and then I finally said, "Well, this year has been a helluva year for me and hubby, so we indulged around August and took a vacation to Vegas to celebrate our anniversary." I thought: Okay, I'll leave it at that and see what comes of this convo. I pick up my mug of hot tea and Mom pokes me, "Tell her why it's been a helluva year. Not like you are getting divorced or anything. You just can't say it's been a helluva year and leave it at that."
I set down my mug and looked her square in the face and said, "Hubby and I have gone through our third year of infertility treatments. I dealt with a second miscarriage last year. We've spent over 9K and used donor sperm. And now, we're looking at IVF in Montreal at a cost of about 15K. That's been our year. The trip to Vegas was a sort of consolation prize."
Seriously, when Mom pulled out pics of Mrs. M's second (and latest) grandchild (who looks just like her mother, one of my childhood friends), I almost cried. I had to bury my face behind that huge mug of tea and try not to think about it.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE coming home and hearing about all of what's going on, how everyone is doing, where everyone is these days, etc. But knowing that our family seems to be the only one without grandchildren... it is so painful to deal with. Mom knows what we are going through, and although she understands the logistics of it, no one here really "gets" the psychological aspects of it. They cannot fathom what it's like for me. They do not know how hard it is to see those photos and hear about this one's new baby and that one's pregnancy, and oh they just had their third. Part of me cracks inside each time I hear that. I cannot get away.
It's the most difficult thing in the world to dress up for Halloween, and answer the door at my parents' home, loving the costumes the little kids are in... and wishing to God that I could go out Trick-or-Treating with my own daughter or son. I don't know if I will ever get that opportunity.
And there it goes again... the sound of my heart cracking.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
I've been busier than busy! No really!
God love you sweet ladies (and men!) for checking on me now and then. Sometimes I just want to slink away, hide away, and put the covers over my head, forgetting the craziness of the IF world. But you never really forget do you? You never really go back to how you were in the pre-IF days? All innocent and hopeful?
I've been a bad blogger, once again, in my extended absence from here and in keeping you all updated. No news to report really. AF is on the horizon yet again; today's CD24 so I expect another two or three days and the wench will make her appearance.
I'm a much more sane person though without all those drugs in my system and both hubby and I are happy about that. I often wonder, if we do decide to go through with the IVF, whether I'll really be able to handle all those drugs and monitoring again. It's really taken its toll folks. I just don't know if I have it in me to be honest.
We're still looking at it I guess. I have a last little bit of bloodwork to do and then we send off the papers to Montreal. And then... it's anybody's guess. It might be a few months before we even get a call from them.
In the meantime the update.
- Yes, I continue to go to the gym. So far so good. I feel better about myself at least.
- Yes, hubby and I are still doing our date nights, once a week. (In fact, yesterday we went out for dinner together for the first time in two months!)
- No, there is no way to do further testing on hubby's sperm unless he has surgery. And that will be for the TESE (with donor sperm as a backup).
- Yes, I DID try to contact all the candidates in my riding for next week's election with a question regarding their party's platforms regarding IF and costs. Alas, not one response from any of them. Good to know they listen to their constituents huh Aurelia?
- Yes, I continue to game and lose myself now and then in EQ2.
- No, I still haven't gone home to visit my folks. But Mom is definitely on the mend; her follow up with the surgeon was very positive.
- Yes, I'm still the manager of our team and it looks like I'm in that position until at least April 2008. Yikes!
And this weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. It stands to reason that our harvest would be earlier than yours in the States and thus, we celebrate it earlier. So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I will be cooking a full turkey dinner for... two. I just wish it were for more.
I've been a bad blogger, once again, in my extended absence from here and in keeping you all updated. No news to report really. AF is on the horizon yet again; today's CD24 so I expect another two or three days and the wench will make her appearance.
I'm a much more sane person though without all those drugs in my system and both hubby and I are happy about that. I often wonder, if we do decide to go through with the IVF, whether I'll really be able to handle all those drugs and monitoring again. It's really taken its toll folks. I just don't know if I have it in me to be honest.
We're still looking at it I guess. I have a last little bit of bloodwork to do and then we send off the papers to Montreal. And then... it's anybody's guess. It might be a few months before we even get a call from them.
In the meantime the update.
- Yes, I continue to go to the gym. So far so good. I feel better about myself at least.
- Yes, hubby and I are still doing our date nights, once a week. (In fact, yesterday we went out for dinner together for the first time in two months!)
- No, there is no way to do further testing on hubby's sperm unless he has surgery. And that will be for the TESE (with donor sperm as a backup).
- Yes, I DID try to contact all the candidates in my riding for next week's election with a question regarding their party's platforms regarding IF and costs. Alas, not one response from any of them. Good to know they listen to their constituents huh Aurelia?
- Yes, I continue to game and lose myself now and then in EQ2.
- No, I still haven't gone home to visit my folks. But Mom is definitely on the mend; her follow up with the surgeon was very positive.
- Yes, I'm still the manager of our team and it looks like I'm in that position until at least April 2008. Yikes!
And this weekend is Thanksgiving in Canada. It stands to reason that our harvest would be earlier than yours in the States and thus, we celebrate it earlier. So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I will be cooking a full turkey dinner for... two. I just wish it were for more.
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