Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Mundane and yet, not so mundane

There are a few things I need to write about today. Some days I have absolutely nothing to add, but once in awhile, there comes a day that just screams at me, "Write it down!"

There's mundane stuff.
I got a call from my RE's office and the receptionist will pop both CD3 and CD23 bloodwork in the mail to me. Superb! NOT. Twice the blood to take. Ugh. Again, the list for CD23 is rather daunting. They'll be checking glucose, hemoglobin, w.b.c. count, FSH, LH, TSH, T4/T3, Prolactin, Estradiol, Progesterone, Free testosterone, DHEAS, Feratin, Folate, Vit. B12, Insulin and for kicks, BHCG. I rather find that last one funny, don't you? *cue hysterical laughter* Oh my. Quite the sense of humour there! Hee hee!

So I'll have that bloodwork done (with the assistance Lorazepam) between now and whenever hubby and I are ready to try again. The receptionist also told me that when that time comes, call them on CD1. She'll have a prescription for Serophene (Clomid) at the pharmacy for me, and book me for a CD8 u/s to start the injectables. That was a decision hubby and I wanted to discuss too; whether we'd go the injectable route again. Insurance does cover it and it can't hurt, so why not? I mean, other than the fact that I'll be sticking myself with needles every morning again, but hey, we all get used to that, don't we? Seriously. It happens all the time in the TTC community. But do you ever really get used to doing that? And do you ever stop focussing on the reason you're doing that in the first place? Emotionally, it pulls at you every d*mn day. It does for me anyway. Maybe I'm just the weirdo in the mix though. *shrugs* God only knows. Anyway, hubby and I decided that yes, we'll go the injectables route again, combined with the Clomid and the donor. And we'll hope for a better result next time.

And the not so mundane stuff.
One of our good friends made a comment in my blog that really hit home.
"Do put everything that you can into (your goals and dreams) but don't put everything that you are in them." I think that is something many of us need to figure out. How far to go, when to draw the line, and when to realize that you begin to lose yourself along the way and it's time to take it back.

Realistically speaking, not all my goals and dreams can or will come true. And at the end of the day, I have to live with myself and who I am inside. If I make my life completely IF-focussed, I lose so much of who I am as a person. To do that would mean I would discount the fact that I've done and seen so very much in this world that many people never have the opportunity to do or see. I would toss away the fact that I am blessed to have a loving, caring husband who would give me the moon if he could and for whom I would readily give my life if I had to. I would not consider the fact that I'm a sensible, capable woman who is an independent, productive member of society. I would forget the fact that I have a wonderful family and many friends who love me very much and want nothing but the best for me. I would ignore that I am a sensitive, sympathetic, generous person who tries to do her best in just about everything. None of those wonderful things would be a part of me if I lose myself in the IF world. And I'm not willing to let those great things go.

My sister wrote me an e-mail awhile ago (I saved it sis; forgive me?!) when I posted about being a failure at this IF journey. And I'm going to take the liberty to reprint it here for you.

I was so mad when I read your message! Raging mad! You are NOT a failure! Anyone that has family and friends who love them as much as yours do is NOT a failure. I repeat - NOT a failure. You are far from it. You're intelligent, witty, charismatic, caring, generous, hard-working (I could
go on and on for years). You may not have had any success with getting pregnant but that does not constitute a failure - in any way. Do you understand what I am saying to you? You are exploring all your options and doing everything you can to conceive a child - that does not reflect someone who is a failure. So get that stoooopid idea out of your head right now and get on with it. Yes, you're allowed to cry mope around for a while, but that's it! You don't have the luxury of giving up and being a depressed lump! That is not who you are - I know it because I've known you your whole life - don't forget! I may be younger than you but I know a thing or two as well, and sometimes you have to listen to me for a change. Got it?

Yup. I got it. Thanks sis. I needed that. For those moments when I feel like I need a kick in the pants or I just need to remember that so many people do care about me, and that IF is not all that I am, I kept this message and I read it.

So for those of you who "get it" or "need to get it," there you go. Straight from the mouth of my sister.


Heather said...

I wish I had a sister like yours. Or a friend like her.

Gil said...

Heather, I'm so lucky to have a sister like mine. I do realize that. Remember though, even though you may not have a sis like mine, all of us here are your cheering section, just like I know she is part of mine. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

what a great sis. and it's too true. i just finished a long post but it's one of those days where i felt as though i could've written reams. you're early 07 post really inspired me. i am taking time off work to 'de-stress' and my hope for this time is to shift the focus back to finding myself and taking care of myself. i'm slowly letting go of the guilt of being off work and this post has once again inspired.
thank you for that gift!

i wish nothing but the best for you and your hubby...let's hope the clomid/injectible cocktail will be a winner!


Veronica Thomas said...

Hi Gil, I just saw your blog for the first time. I don't know what exactly you are doing to try to conceive. I see you are using Fertility Friend, which I am also using to chart my cycles. It's cool! I do not have children, though my husband and I have just started trying - we hope it will work! I am writing to ask you to please, think so hard about NOT using donor sperm or eggs. I know that the biological urge to have children is so strong, and so difficult to fight against. But if we really love our children, we must always do what's best for them - even if that includes denying ourselves.

Gil said...

Unfortunately Veronica, NOT using a donor is not an option for my husband and me. We are glad that we made the choice that we have, although I do understand why some people would not make the same choice. As most of the people in the blogosphere realize, there are many ways to reach our goals and while one is good for some people, it is not the path that suits others. Each way is different. And each couple is different. The beauty is, we all get to share our thoughts and experiences, and we are able to respect others' choices, even if they differ from our own ideas and ideals. That is all that I ask as well. As Sariel says *points upward*, "Peace" to you and yours.

Gil said...

Ooops! As Shlomit says... not Sariel! My bad! *hugs Shlomit tightly*

OHN said...

I hope you know how very lucky you are to have a sister that loves you that much. I think if I were you, I would print it, frame it and keep it on my desk. There aren't too many times in your life you will have someone love you that much!