Sunday, December 14, 2008


I am not going to make it til Thursday. Guaranteed.

I'm a total, emotional mess, alternating between tears, anger, disgust, hatred, extreme joy and happiness.

In short, I'm not myself and this 2ww is killing me. I want to POAS but I'm terrified to do that. I just want to curl up and hide away for the next month. Would that be okay? So I can just bypass the sheer grief that I know Thursday is holding for me?

Shoot me now. Save me the pain. Please.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad I found you here. In short: I know. It's sheer, absolute hell. In both instances, I took tests before my BETA. I didn't want to get the bad news at work (although the last time, I did), or, more importantly, over the phone. Taking tests kinda prepared us for the outcome (again, except the last time). I took one at 9dp4dt the first time, and 7dp3dt and 9d3dt the last time.

I too just wanted to crawl under a rock for a month and let things progress as they would. I cursed the fact that I had to have a BETA, and dreamed about simply missing my period like "normal" women - bypassing the terror of scary BETA counts, bad news phone calls and syropy nurses.

Of course, in the back of my mind I always nurtured a tiny flame of hope that This Time would be different. That's what propelled me to take the test at home and wait, as the world slowed to a painful crawl, to see that second line. That's what propelled us to the next cycle, and the next, despite the spectre of our miscarriages.

Whatever news we heard, we knew that although every thing hung in the balance of that moment, it still wasn't everything. We still had each other, we still had love and support and laughter and joy ahead. It seemed so faint, at times almost an echo, but we managed to persevere. I remember the first belly laugh we shared after we lost the twins. It felt as though the wheel had turned.

Hang in there, and remember that we support you no matter what.

Anonymous said...

Hey girl...
I know that feeling so well. Only you know what's right for you to do. IF you POAS, I'd suggest splurge on an expensive one so there is no doubt.

I never knew if it was better to know before hand or better to hold on to that sliver of hope just a little longer.

Whatever the outcome, you have eachother and you will definitely get through this. Whatever the outcome you WILL feel human again. I promise.

Til then, do whatever you need to do for you. It is okay to be 100% selfish right now.

You know we're heering for you both and sending big, big hugs.


musicmakermomma said...

I agree that you should indulge yourself in something special right now - go get a massage or shop for fun stuff or whatever you like best. The 2ww is awful! I did POAS and it was BFN, but then I wasn't sure if I should TOTALLY believe it or not until the beta. But it did sort of prepare me somewhat - and of course if it had been a BFP that would have been great! So I have no advice that way, one way or another you will have more info on Thursday so try to keep busy until then! Thinking of you...

Aurelia said...

I say go for the expensive one, just in case. Cheapies were negative for me, ALWAYS, even when I was pregnant.

And on that vein, do not assume that you will have a negative beta, just because you get a negative stick. Sometimes, your numbers are too low, and sometimes, the sticks are not working.

Or you could also assume that your negative mood, is a sign of pregnancy hormones making you a little nutty. They always make me crazy until my body gets a little used to them.

Angie said...

Sending hope and positive thoughts your way!

Anonymous said...

You're almost there!!!
Hope you are able to do a half decent job (or better!!) of distracting yourself! How are you PIO shots going? My butt is so itchy and lumpy....errr...lumpier, I should say! Hope it's going better for you!!!

Big, big hugs!!