I am not going to make it til Thursday. Guaranteed.
I'm a total, emotional mess, alternating between tears, anger, disgust, hatred, extreme joy and happiness.
In short, I'm not myself and this 2ww is killing me. I want to POAS but I'm terrified to do that. I just want to curl up and hide away for the next month. Would that be okay? So I can just bypass the sheer grief that I know Thursday is holding for me?
Shoot me now. Save me the pain. Please.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Cape Spear, Newfoundland, August 7, 2004 (lighthouse in the background); Contact me at Jiliana2 (at) gmail (dot) com
Thanks to Whitney and Erick
Tell me how my blog has helped, changed or affected you.
The story of a couple who are trying to have a baby. Hubby was previously married, had two children and a vasectomy. In October 2003, a reversal failed so we began by consulting a fertility specialist. The road has been long but we're tenacious. After 27+ IUIs and 6+ years of TTC, our first IVF was successful. Our daughter Petite was born on August 27, 2009. Our quest is fulfilled. And while we hoped to add to the family, we're happy just the way things are right now. Onward and upward!
Pages
Who we are
Cape Spear, Newfoundland, August 7, 2004 (lighthouse in the background); Contact me at Jiliana2 (at) gmail (dot) com
Gil and Hubby are...
Get your infertility ribbon
Thanks to Whitney and Erick
Crème de la crème
Donor Related
- DI Mom (success)
- Donor Conceived Perspectives (donor conceived children)
- Finding Chaos (lesbian couple, triple success!)
- It's a Zoo Around Here (success; inactive)
- Journey to Our Pearl (PWP; success)
- Life as Dad to Donor Insemination Kids (success)
- No swimmers in the tubes (success)
- Seed Monkey's Quest to Become a UK Sperm Donor (inactive)
- So Blessed I Could Scream (success; inactive)
- Square Peg, Round Whole (PW protected)
- The Baby Chase (success with twins; inactive)
- The End of My Line (success; inactive)
- The Road Less Traveled (recent delivery; premature)
- Three Little Birds (success; old blogger, new digs)
- yes, we have no bananas...! (success; inactive)
Donor Campaigns
The Celebratory Society
Tell me how my blog has helped, changed or affected you.
Who's Trying
- A Mommy in the Making... I Hope
- Azoo Who? (male POV; inactive)
- Baby Wanted: Apply Within
- Big P and Me (TTC #2)
- Funny Little Pollywogs
- Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed
- Hope is Ours
- In Due Time
- Infertile Family Circus (old blogger, new digs)
- Infertility Sucks!
- Jelly's Bean
- Life and Love in the Petri Dish
- Little Bits of Crazy (local; Win a Baby blogger!)
- one day this blog will have a snazzy name (TTC #2)
- Seeking Pink in a House of Blue (TTC girl after 4 boys and m/cs)
- Survive Infertility and Thrive
- The Childless Mom
- The Infertility Voice
- Trying to Conceive
- The Maybe Baby (TTC after cancer and a loss)
- Whitney and Erick
- you're still young!! (technical difficulties!)
P/G Now!
- A Cop, A Nurse, 3 Dogs and Maybe Baby? (p/g with #2)
- Adam and Julia (recent delivery)
- Baby on my Mind
- Eggs in a Basketcase
- I'm not Pregnant, Just Fat (recent delivery!)
- Infertile Fantasies (recent delivery)
- It Could Take Three Months (recent delivery)
- It's Only Life (recent delivery)
- Life From Here (recent premie delivery)
- Little Diiorios
- Mommy Odyssey (recent loss)
- My Vegas (recent delivery!)
- Of Course You'll Get Pregnant
- Project Sibling
- Relaxing Doesn't Get You Pregnant
- The 2 Week Wait
- Trying Not to Scream
- Waiting, Wishing, Hoping
Who's Cycling Now?
Adoption
The Other Side
- A Little Pregnant
- A New Dawn
- Alice in Diaperland
- Alphabet Soup (triplets)
- Baby Interrupted
- Baby Smiling in Back Seat
- Barren Mare
- Beauty for Ashes (single mom; widowed)
- Candid Confessions of a Southern Princess
- Circus Acts
- Conceive This
- Dead Cow Girl
- Don't Rain on My Parade: IVF Part 2 (inactive)
- Everyday Stranger
- Family Rocks: The Life of Peg
- Finding Moe (local; previously "To Infertility and Beyond")
- Grizzly Eggs
- Hopeful Mother (PWP)
- I Can't Whistle
- I Want to be a Daddy (male POV)
- Into the Womb
- IVF due to MFI
- Jack at Random (stillbirth of #2; male POV)
- Just One More (inactive)
- Mixing It Up; Trying to Find My New Reality
- Mommyhood After Fertility Frustration
- Mrs Negative
- Musings of a Hormonal Egg Basket
- No Matter How Small
- Of Course You'll Get Pregnant (inactive; moved)
- Only half nuts
- Pregnancy Envy (inactive)
- Reproductive Jeans
- Serenity Now (inactive)
- Spermination Station
- Sprogblogger
- Square Peg, Round Whole (PW protected)
- Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters
- Sweet & Crunchy (old blogger, new digs)
- Telling a Different Story (child-free)
- Thalia's Fertility Journey
- The 2 Week Wait
- The Baby Chase (twins; inactive)
- The Kir Corner
- The Road Less Travelled (child-free living)
- The Rylan Reader
- Too Many Fish to Fry
- We Make 3 (PWP)
- What IF? (triplets)
Followers
Ottawa Weather
References and Links
- 10 Biggest Pregnancy Myths Debunked
- Gil's Temp Chart
- Gil's (and hubby's) Tests and Results
- Infertility Acronyms and Terminology
- Estradiol Conversion
- Baby Steals (One day only super deals!)
- Kid Steals (One day only, super deals!)
- Zulily (Deals on baby and kids' items)
- Free-Range Kids
- Kids in the Capital
- IF Haiku
- Cycle Sista
- Infertility Blog (Dr. Licciardi)
- "Just Adopt"?? No such thing...
- Lost and Found Connections
- ParentDish Canada
- Well Rounded Mama
- Why Infertility Should be Covered by Insurance
- Women's Hormone Levels and Fertility Bloodwork (US units)
Meds and Tests
- Pre-natal vitamin
- Metformin 500 mg (now at 1500 mg)
- Synthroid 50 mcg (hypothyroid meds)
- Estrace
- Medrol
- Doxycycline (antibiotics)
- PIO injections (Intra-muscular)
- Buserelin (same as Lupron) 50 for downregulation
- Gonal-F 225 IU
- Luveris 75 IU
- Glucose Tolerance & Insulin Resistance
- Karotyping
- Laparoscopy
- Cyst Aspiration via ultrasound
- CD3, CD23 bloodwork
- HSG (x2)
- Birth control pills (to eliminate cyst and for IVF
- Low-dose Aspirin
- Progesterone 200mg; beginning after IUI, for 2WW
- Clomid 50 mg; CD 3-7
- Puregon (sub-cue injects, 50 and 100 ius)
Been There, Done That; what we've tried since 2003
- 2010/12 - Looking into another IVF/ICSI for a sibling for Petite
- 2009/08/27 - PETITE ARRIVES! We have a girl!
- 2008/12 - IVF #1; Retrival (7 eggs on Dec. 2) and Transfer (3 embryos on Dec. 5), BFP December 18!!
- 2008/11 - Cyst Aspiration via ultrasound (Nov. 21); IVF meds begun
- 2008/10 - Began BCP for IVF #1; ER date, Dec. 1
- 2008/06-09 - continuing appointments and prep for IVF
- 2008/05 - TSH testing and follow up with Ottawa RE
- 2008/04 - met with another RE in Ottawa; changed meds (1500 mg Metformin, 50 mcg Synthroid)
- 2008/03 - met with urologist in Montréal, insulin resistance, karotyping and CD3 bloodwork
- 2008/02 - meet with RE in Montréal for IVF
- 2008/01 - last bloodwork in prep for IVF consultation
- 2007/08-12 - TTC on hold, no meds, bloodwork
- 2007/07 - dIUI $5 (last chance!); BFN
- 2007/06 - dIUI #4 (new donor); BFN
- 2007/04-05 - dIUI #2 & #3; BFN
- 2006/12 - 2007/03 - TTC on hold; Christmas in Florida, no meds, CD3 & CD23 bloodwork
- 2006/11 - dIUI #1 with Clomid + Puregon; BFN
- 2006/06-10 - IUIs with aspirated sperm, 1st cycle with Clomid
- 2006/05 - IUI; chemical and m/c
- 2006/04 - Lap performed; no endometriosis, HSG good, cyst removed normally
- 2006/02-04 - Lap postponed; surgeon's emergency
- 2005/10 - 2006/02 - TTC on hold pending lap
- 2005/10 - Surgeon #2 for lap; agreed! Scheduled for 2006/02
- 2005/09 - Surgeon #1 for lap; refused to operate
- 2005/08 - BC pills to eliminate cyst; not successful
- 2004/10 - 2005/08 - IUI continued with Metformin & HSG triggers (cyst still visible)
- 2004/09 - IUI #1 with aspirated sperm; chemical and m/c
- 2004/08 - WEDDING!
- 2004/03-05 - HSG, Bloodwork testing; normal results
- 2004/02 - First consult with RE; cyst visible
- 2004/01 - Semenanalysis yields 0 sperm count
- 2003/10 - Hubby's vasectomy reversal
Blog Archive
- February 2016 (3)
- November 2015 (1)
- October 2015 (2)
- September 2015 (1)
- July 2015 (1)
- June 2015 (2)
- April 2015 (4)
- March 2015 (1)
- February 2015 (3)
- January 2015 (2)
- December 2014 (4)
- November 2014 (3)
- May 2014 (1)
- April 2014 (2)
- March 2014 (1)
- January 2014 (1)
- December 2013 (1)
- November 2013 (1)
- October 2013 (1)
- September 2013 (1)
- June 2013 (1)
- February 2013 (1)
- January 2013 (1)
- November 2012 (1)
- October 2012 (2)
- August 2012 (1)
- July 2012 (1)
- June 2012 (2)
- May 2012 (3)
- April 2012 (5)
- March 2012 (5)
- February 2012 (7)
- January 2012 (6)
- December 2011 (5)
- November 2011 (8)
- October 2011 (7)
- September 2011 (9)
- August 2011 (4)
- July 2011 (4)
- June 2011 (5)
- May 2011 (9)
- April 2011 (8)
- March 2011 (10)
- February 2011 (6)
- January 2011 (4)
- December 2010 (6)
- November 2010 (10)
- October 2010 (4)
- September 2010 (4)
- August 2010 (1)
- July 2010 (2)
- June 2010 (4)
- May 2010 (3)
- April 2010 (1)
- March 2010 (3)
- February 2010 (3)
- January 2010 (2)
- December 2009 (3)
- November 2009 (2)
- October 2009 (3)
- September 2009 (3)
- August 2009 (11)
- July 2009 (7)
- June 2009 (5)
- May 2009 (7)
- April 2009 (6)
- March 2009 (10)
- February 2009 (4)
- January 2009 (7)
- December 2008 (14)
- November 2008 (9)
- October 2008 (4)
- September 2008 (2)
- August 2008 (3)
- July 2008 (3)
- June 2008 (3)
- May 2008 (6)
- April 2008 (6)
- March 2008 (10)
- February 2008 (6)
- January 2008 (8)
- December 2007 (2)
- November 2007 (4)
- October 2007 (1)
- September 2007 (3)
- August 2007 (3)
- July 2007 (5)
- June 2007 (16)
- May 2007 (9)
- April 2007 (15)
- March 2007 (8)
- February 2007 (5)
- January 2007 (7)
- December 2006 (8)
- November 2006 (14)
- October 2006 (12)
- September 2006 (5)
Other Fun Stuff
StatCounter
6 comments:
I'm glad I found you here. In short: I know. It's sheer, absolute hell. In both instances, I took tests before my BETA. I didn't want to get the bad news at work (although the last time, I did), or, more importantly, over the phone. Taking tests kinda prepared us for the outcome (again, except the last time). I took one at 9dp4dt the first time, and 7dp3dt and 9d3dt the last time.
I too just wanted to crawl under a rock for a month and let things progress as they would. I cursed the fact that I had to have a BETA, and dreamed about simply missing my period like "normal" women - bypassing the terror of scary BETA counts, bad news phone calls and syropy nurses.
Of course, in the back of my mind I always nurtured a tiny flame of hope that This Time would be different. That's what propelled me to take the test at home and wait, as the world slowed to a painful crawl, to see that second line. That's what propelled us to the next cycle, and the next, despite the spectre of our miscarriages.
Whatever news we heard, we knew that although every thing hung in the balance of that moment, it still wasn't everything. We still had each other, we still had love and support and laughter and joy ahead. It seemed so faint, at times almost an echo, but we managed to persevere. I remember the first belly laugh we shared after we lost the twins. It felt as though the wheel had turned.
Hang in there, and remember that we support you no matter what.
_journey
Hey girl...
I know that feeling so well. Only you know what's right for you to do. IF you POAS, I'd suggest splurge on an expensive one so there is no doubt.
I never knew if it was better to know before hand or better to hold on to that sliver of hope just a little longer.
Whatever the outcome, you have eachother and you will definitely get through this. Whatever the outcome you WILL feel human again. I promise.
Til then, do whatever you need to do for you. It is okay to be 100% selfish right now.
You know we're heering for you both and sending big, big hugs.
peace
shlomit
I agree that you should indulge yourself in something special right now - go get a massage or shop for fun stuff or whatever you like best. The 2ww is awful! I did POAS and it was BFN, but then I wasn't sure if I should TOTALLY believe it or not until the beta. But it did sort of prepare me somewhat - and of course if it had been a BFP that would have been great! So I have no advice that way, one way or another you will have more info on Thursday so try to keep busy until then! Thinking of you...
I say go for the expensive one, just in case. Cheapies were negative for me, ALWAYS, even when I was pregnant.
And on that vein, do not assume that you will have a negative beta, just because you get a negative stick. Sometimes, your numbers are too low, and sometimes, the sticks are not working.
Or you could also assume that your negative mood, is a sign of pregnancy hormones making you a little nutty. They always make me crazy until my body gets a little used to them.
Sending hope and positive thoughts your way!
You're almost there!!!
Hope you are able to do a half decent job (or better!!) of distracting yourself! How are you PIO shots going? My butt is so itchy and lumpy....errr...lumpier, I should say! Hope it's going better for you!!!
Big, big hugs!!
peace
shlomit
Post a Comment