Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Time Alone Recap

FYI: Children mentioned in this post. Click away if you need to.

I survived my weekend alone. In fact, I LOVED my weekend alone. The silence was deafening at first, but I quickly got the hang of things and I was really productive. I made a huge list of all the things I got done while Hubby and Petite were away. It's rather impressive, I must admit. There was more that I wanted to do, but I did want to enjoy some "me" time too you know! I wasn't going to devote EVERY minute to cleaning, tidying and running errands! And you know something? I barely had a drop of any wine after all. I guess I was just too busy doing the things that needed my attention.

Some of the highlights:
Cleaned the living room and the bathroom from top to bottom! What a difference!
Donated a bunch of bedding and towels to the humane society, and I had a look around while I was there. Oh, what I wouldn't do to adopt a bunch of the little kittens or even the older cats. They're gorgeous. My heart just about broke, as it always does around animals who need loving homes.
Cleaned up the front garden and put out a bin of leaves and other organic matter for the trash/recycling.
Put up the greenery and Christmas lights. The weather was beautiful for doing that; I didn't freeze while I was doing it, for a change!
I managed to get out with a girlfriend to dinner and a movie. That was lots of fun. We saw Tower Heist. A good, fun, mindless film. Perfect.
I got in GAME! Woot! It was lots of fun running around with a couple of friends. I do miss that. (FYI, for new readers, I play EverQuest II, and I have since its launch in 2004, having also played EverQuest from 2001-04.)
And of course, I spent time on the phone with my family and Petite and Hubby.

She had a wonderful time. She happily skipped down the ramp with Daddy to the plane and upon arrival at my parents' home at almost 2 a.m., she found her second wind and got a snack and wanted to play with everyone! She did extremely well on the plane. She loved her time playing hockey with her poppy. She baked cookies with Nana. She fed the duckies with my two aunts. They lavished attention and presents on her (new clothes, some toys, boots, etc.)

Take a look at her new coat! I think it's sweet.

All in all, they had a glorious time. And I'm glad. Hubby needed the time with her, because usually I'm the one who gets that. I have had plenty of opportunities to bond with her on vacations while he has not. Although it was only a few days, I am a firm believer that something is better than nothing.

I recognize how lucky we are. She is a beautiful little girl. She is happy. She is healthy. She is loving and giving. She adores snuggling on the couch before bed. She is content when she listens to me read to her, or sing to her. She has a great sense of humour for only two years old. She is kind. She is adventurous and open. I have to say, her personality is just simply AMAZING. Yes, there are miserable moments, like with any toddler. But on the whole, she is a wonderful sweet girl. Everyone just falls in love with her. And my family loves her to pieces. They really do. How lucky I am that they are able to enjoy her as much as they do and are still around to be able to do that!? I thank my lucky stars on a daily basis. I do.

I truly do.

And yet...

I still want to give Petite a sibling.

I think it's partly because she IS such a loving, giving, caring little girl that I want to give her the opportunity to love a sibling too.

Is that wrong? Is it greedy to want another one? (Is it stupid of me to think it's 'greedy' because any fertile person wouldn't be considered greedy for wanting a second child...) Is it bad to tempt fate? We got lucky with IVF #1... there's no way it would work as quickly again. And if it did, who's to say it would be a good pregnancy again? Or a healthy baby? Ugh. So many "ifs" in the picture.

Forget it anyway; I simply don't have the money to do it right now. We just don't. I wish I did. God knows, I wish I did. I want to push forward and have a try for a second child. But even if we found the money now, the timing would have to be perfect; two little ones in full-time daycare in our city would cost an absolute fortune. More than my mortgage, that's for certain!

But time slips by. I am growing older. I don't have it in me to wait much longer and still hope to do this. The trickle of hope is fading.

I fear this sweet little girl will never have a baby brother or sister in her life. That saddens me. I am trying to come to grips with it, but some part of me is in denial, forcing my brain to remain open to the idea that it MIGHT happen. No, it's not possible for Hubby and me to conceive naturally. It simply isn't because of our medical histories. So it has to be IVF. Do I have it in me? I don't know. I fear facing it again. I fear facing a negative when we got so lucky the first time. So many fears. I'm not handling it well right now.


B. said...

I understand completely, and empathize. We had no real choice about the timing of our attempt at baby #2- insurance just won't cover IVF after I celebrate my next birthday, and we couldn't have afforded this without some insurance coverage (although the cost of insurance plus co-pays and deductibles came pretty close to the cost of an uninsured IVF). We especially couldn't have done this without insurance if it had taken more than one cycle to get pregnant, and I fully expected it to take at least 2 or 3.

Anyhow, our situations are similar, but different. Your dilemma's variables are uniquely yours, but I hope you don't feel alone in the decisions you have to make regarding a second child. It's hard to make a decision, and then whatever you decide gets second-guessed for all time. I just want to wish you peace in your deliberations. You're unique, but far from alone.

Anonymous said...

First of all, it's perfectly okay to be grieved when your family-building plans are thwarted by factors beyond your control. It's not as if it's fine to want one kid, but when you hit two - whoa, hold on there! - that's selfish. Of course it's not.

When we were trying for #2 and I got depressed after every BFN, I asked Mr. D if it was wrong of me to feel so sad, because we already had a beautiful daughter. He said, "no, but I guess it really depends which kid you want to focus on." But still, it's saddening and frightening not to know whether one day your family will look the way you've always imagined it.