Good question isn't it? When you start a new year, do you (as I often do) have high hopes of "changing things"? Or making your life better? Shaking it up a little? Moving forward?
I have those sorts of hopes for this year; to leave behind the negativity that has coloured so much of my perspective for the last six or eight months. I have aspirations and dreams. I have goals. Do I believe I can achieve them? Um... sorta. Kinda. Well... I dunno. Is that good enough?
A question: Why is it that I have so much faith and hope and conviction in other people and so very little in myself? When I tell a girlfriend, "You did the right thing by standing up for yourself in that relationship," or "I really believe that for you and your husband, you will overcome the infertility problems you're facing," or "Regardless of what people tell you, you have to go with your gut feeling sometimes and just know that it will work out for the best," I truly believe those things. I have the courage of my own conviction and intuition that tells me to encourage my friends. To get behind them and give that extra little push. Yet, when it comes to pushing myself, encouraging myself, having hope for myself, I fail miserably.
Yet even with the knowledge that I have little faith for me, somewhere, deep down inside, there is a spark that refuses to die. A burning ember that urges me to go forward. Something that shows me the path.
That little tiny firey ember tells me that I need to concentrate on making ME better right now. I need to stop focussing on my fertility health and start focussing on me, as a person, and getting me back to being "normal" again, even if only for a few months.
I haven't taken one bit of medication since about December 10th, and heavens that feels glorious! I have been able to relax (thank God for that vacation in Florida). I have been able to sleep in and that feels wonderful. I have been able to set some goals and straighten out my thoughts a little more. And Lord knows, I needed to do all of that.
I suppose it's some sort of New Year's Resolution, although I despise even invoking that term, knowing that any "resolutions" that I ever set never come to fruition. So I won't call it that. I'm calling it "Time for a change; Time for me." And I'm going to focus on that time for me until about March or April of this year.
In the meantime, I have a few things to do. I am booked for a CAT scan for next Wednesday to investigate the source of recurrent sinus infections. I have to call my specialist's office to see about getting a new requisition for that CD23 bloodwork that was "deleted" when it was done in October of '06. I am embarking on a few home improvement projects (like installing laminate flooring in the spare bedrooms and sewing with my brand new sewing machine!), and I get to dote on one of my Christmas gifts, a baby Abyssinian Guinea Pig that I've named Scruffles. He's gorgeous!
What about you? What does the new year hold for you, either fertility-related or completely off the fertility path?
7 comments:
It sounds like you're going through a positive period of reflection; good for you!
Good for you! I'm glad you're taking stock and making yourself a priority. I don't do New Year's Resolutions, either, but I could probably benefit from a good long reevaluation of goals. My current focus is figuring out ways to reduce spending or increase income - or even better, doing both.
Happy New Year!
It's always a good idea to focus on yourself and getting yourself in a healthy place.
Enjoy Scruffles (adorable name!) and good luck with the MRI.
-D.
Yep Good Question. I wish I knew what 2007 held.
Sounds like it is starting off as positive one for you. Good on you.
Have fun with Scruffles and the new sewing machine.
Happy New Year!!
I know exactly what you mean. I totally support other people and their decisions. I always question and doubt myself.
Love the new family member - too adorable!!!
Happy New Year! I hope you were able to get a good rest during your vacation. I can't say I know what 2007 will hold for us. I only know that I've got to find some way to put my hands on the funds we need for the IVF as our time is running out.
i feel as though i could have written this post...well, most of it...thanks for being so articulate!
perhaps your positive plans will rub off on me?!
in the meantime, all the best with looking after you, and scruffles...and good luck on the mri!
peace
shlomit
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