Where do I belong?

I'm not sure what to say here anymore. I guess that's why I've been absent... But to Pam and Marie, thank you for checking on me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be here more. I'm just finding things very hard to deal with right now.

I feel like there is a club of bloggers and once upon a time, I felt that I was part of that club of people... like I fit in and I belonged. Fair enough, I belonged to that club because I'm infertile and TTC, but it was a club nonetheless. And support is a good thing.

And now I don't feel that I belong at all.

I see all of you moving forward, doing things, taking control and being active. Cycling, taking meds, planning for the next pieces of the puzzle, etc., but I'm not feeling like I belong anymore because I'm not doing any of those things. I'm firmly in *cue booming voice* limbo-land. And Limbo-land sucks. I have no idea when I'll do my bloodwork (in the next month or two I guess) and although I am going to the gym or swimming in my pool as well as watching what I eat, I don't know if my efforts to lose weight will pay off. And if they don't, well, I'll be turned down flat for IVF.

Everything else in my life I have tried to achieve, I have gotten there. I have grabbed the brass ring and run with it. This? This just beats me down and I don't know if I want to bother to get up again because I know I'll only be beaten down, yet again. I may as well just stay down for the count, you know?

And then there are the social ramifications. Last Saturday I had to take my kitties to the vet's office. We go in and there's a couple of women there with their doggies, waiting to see the veterinarian. I took a chair next to a young woman with a four-month old boxer who promptly decided to give my hands a bath. I petted him a bit while his owner told me of the little boxer's accident (running into a metal frame on the screen door; his eye was badly damaged), and she and I chatted a bit.

In chatting, she tells me something about her eight-year old daughter and her boyfriend. Jeez, this woman is all of MAYBE twenty-six. And as I'm tending to my mewing kitties who are desperate for attention, this woman sits up and rubs her (now visible) pregnant belly and says (as if speaking to the baby), "Ohh, don't start, I had breakfast!" She looks at me and says, "Kids huh? I'm only four months but this one is just rough!"

What do you say to that?!! Seriously!? I mean, I could be nice and brush it off, saying, "Oh yes. I'm sure." I could be truthful and say something like, "I wouldn't know." I could pretend and say, "Oh yes! I know what you're talking about." Or I could be downright grumpy and say, "I guess so. But I'd really rather not hear about it because I'm infertile." What I wanted to do was stand up and scream "SHUT UP B*TCH! I don't f*cking want to hear about your baby problems. I don't have kids and I don't know if I ever will and here's your ass at all of mid-20 years old and you're cooking your SECOND!!?? Just SHUT UP!!!"

But I didn't do any of that. I just sat there and said nothing. What DO you say? What CAN you say? How do you educate a stranger or do you even bother? *sighs* What's the point?

Then yesterday, I broke down in the evening after a dentist's appointment. It's all bad enough that I have so much trouble at the dentist's office in the first place because my teeth are so hypersensitive it takes a number of shots to numb my nerves enough to be able to work on my teeth. And I need to hyperdose on antibiotics before I see a dentist for ANY work because of a heart murmur that could cause problems. But added to that, of course even the dentist's assistant knows of our TTC attempts, because after three or four years of all this, it's hard to schedule cleanings or dental work (and take antibiotics) when you're cycling and not knowing WHEN you'll be taking what medications.

I get to the dentist's office and sit down in the chair and the first thing his assistant says to me is, "So any good news?" She's definitely referring to TTC. I can see it in her eyes. I just replied, "No," and avoided her gaze. She says, "None? How's it going?" And I said, "It's not." In this annoyingly perky voice she pipes up, "What about Montreal? Have you heard from them yet?" Sullen, I replied, "No, but we'll put our names on the list when the tests are all done. It'll take a few months." She pats my shoulder sympathetically and says, "It'll be all right. It'll work out. You'll get lucky. I know it!" And choking back the tears I barely managed to whisper, "I don't have hope anymore. I just don't think so."

And it went downhill from there.


On August 7, hubby and I celebrate our third wedding anniversary. We've been together for seven years, but only married for three. Hell, we started the TTC process long before we got married. Anyway, we were in the bedroom making the bed and I said to him, "Next week is our anniversary. What do you want to do?" He looks up and says, "I don't know, go out for dinner?" "Meh," I replied, "we could, but that's boring. I want to go somewhere. I want to do something fun. I want to have some time with you." (He and I haven't taken a vacation together when it's just been the two of us since March of 2003. Usually, we're flying somewhere to see my family, which is good, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to have some "us" time too.) With the strains on our marriage and relationship from all this stress and effort, we need time to reconnect. And we always have fun together on vacations.

I gave it a day or so, and mulled it all over. I thought, "Montreal? Québec City? Toronto? New York? Hmm..." And then it dawned on me. Next weekend is Fan Faire in Las Vegas, as hosted by Sony Online Entertainment for the online game that we both play, EverQuest II. We have friends who are going to be there (never met them, but they're good online friends nonetheless, much like many of you are). We would have a chance to enjoy the MMORPG world a little with like-minded folks. We would get to kick back and relax, indulging in a little fun. We would get to rediscover the spark of our relationship and the myriad of reasons why we love each other. Why not? Why not just go?!

Hubby and I often say that all the procedures in the world, all of these TTC efforts and the pain it puts us through are NOT worth it in the long run if it means that our marriage is on the rocks. Staying together is paramount in this. At least, that is my choice. And that's his too. So that is what we work on. Us.

Then I debated it because of the cost. But when I got to work the other morning, I found a cheque on my desk to supplement my last paycheque because I'm now in the Manager's shoes, and that includes a pay raise. I had a full HALF of the money right in my hands that day. That was a sign. A sign to spend a little time and money on ourselves and our closeness.

Last night, we booked the trip.

We leave next Thursday for four days, but that's better than nothing. And I'm really looking forward to it. At least there's some blue sky in my world.

How I Cope

I spent Friday night in tears. Four hours of tears to be exact. I've hidden away for most of the weekend; I don't really want to see anyone or do anything right now.

The results of my bloodwork from last week taken on CD24, aka 10DPO.
TSH = 3.16
LH = 0.9
FSH = <1.0
Estradiol = 278 (aka 75.75 for the Americans in the audience)
Progesterone = 24
HCG = 2

Yeah, that's right. TWO. Talk about a failure. A royal f*cking failure. This crap shoot sucks and the odds are definitely stacked against me. I'm exhausted.

In the last four or five days, I've done the following (in no particular order):

-- Brought up sperm donor possibilities with an online friend in California, whose wife gave birth to their twins four years ago in her late 30s. Apparently he is seriously considering it. He knows a bit about what I'm going through and the emotional ups and downs it entails. He wished he could make it better. I replied that he could, but not necessarily for me. I said that there are many women out there, in the situation that I'm in, who would love to have the opportunity to have a family. And it takes help from loving, giving, selfless people like him, who are willing to go through the process. He said he wants to do his part and promised to look into it. I gave him the names of two sperm banks out there; I told him to discuss it with his wife and if they think that they are comfortable making donations, then I encouraged him to give some woman somewhere, a little bit of hope.

-- Thought seriously about having a hysterectomy. I mean honestly, why bother with all this? If my ovaries and eggs don't cooperate, why have them? I'm still sitting on the fence with this. Which would be cheaper, IVF or a hysterectomy? Or just suffer in silence until natural menopause? Hmm, something to think about.

-- Considered a new mantra: Control what you can. Anyone who knows me in real life (as opposed to online) knows that I am a severe Type A personality with some OCD tendencies... especially considering my hand-washing post. Now to focus that concentration in a place where it will do the most good and a place that I have never focused on (to this degree) before. I, my dear readers, am overweight. Severely. And I despise myself and the way I look. My self-esteem is in the toilet and probably always has been. When it comes to my brain, I know I'm relatively intelligent, but God forbid you put me out in public. I'm as shy as anything and it's all because of my weight. So if we actually do go ahead with looking at IVF (and that's a big "if" right now), then I know that any office is going to tell me to lose 40-60 pounds first. I'm back at the gym, and taking out my anger and frustration on the elliptical machine and/or the treadmill. At this point, I don't care if burning 400+ calories per day makes me thinner or not; but at least it gets the anger out. These days, I have a LOT of anger. I wonder why...

-- Talked a little to hubby who offered the following insight: in all this negativity, in all this miserable lot, in all this pain and grief, there is one teeny, tiny sliver of hope. VERY VERY tiny though it may be. And that is this: If we proceed with IVF, if we get through the testing and find the money and get right down to it, we will try to use TESE. And what that means, dear readers, is that there MAY be a way for me to have my husband's child after all. And that would be wonderful.

Other
I want to partake in Patience's Virtual World Tour. I'll dig out some pics and post later this week.

And congratulations to Ms. C over at It Could Take Three Months who also got a BFP this go around. With so many of you coming up positive, no wonder no one else gets a kick at the proverbial can! Kidding! Kidding! I am really happy that five of my blogging sidebar buddies have come up positive this month. June/July has been good to many of you.

Much love to you all. See you soon.

No Double Lines

In preparation for tomorrow's beta, I succumbed.

I did the POAS thing this morning at 9DPO. Just as I suspected, negative. Blank. White as a sheet. If those tests detect 25 IUs of HCG, there ain't no way anything is gonna show up tomorrow.

I suspected as much anyway this morning when my temp began to drop. So there you go. I highly doubt things will change so you can count me out for this month folks. I'm gonna head to a corner and hide away a little bit for a good cry. Back soon.

Chugging along, but great news for others!

My 100th post on this blog, and with it, many things to celebrate.

Much love to those wonderful people who have seen BFPs in the last week or so. Go peek at Dawn's details, Vee's very wonderful news, Still Trying's spectacular beta results (after their first try at dIUI!!!), and Kate's knocked-up info. That's FOUR of you ladies who have great news this month! Congratulations to everyone. Now, care to shoot some of that my way? Pretty please??

As for me... I'm on CD22 and 8 DPO and scheduled for a beta on CD23/24. I don't have any hope; I have absolutely NO symptoms other than a temp that continues to rise like I've never seen before. I suppose lots can happen between now and this weekend but I think we've seen all the BFPs that we're gonna see for now. I'll go for the test anyway though, however, I know darn well that by CD27 it'll be CD1 again.

And hubby dropped off a sample for another sperm analysis, but we aren't holding our breath there either. A vasectomy and a failed reversal virtually guarantees that no sperm will be present.

Life goes on...

DIUI #5; The Last IUI for Awhile

A very quick update for you folks; I'm sort of absent this week as I have two friends here from the States for a holiday and we're playing tourist & tour guide.

I had my appointment on Sunday morning for the insemination. Awaking at 5 to take my temp, I couldn't go back to sleep easily and around 5:30 a sharp JAB in my abdomen. Ouch, what the heck was that?

So by 8 a.m. we're at the doc's office and he's wanding me (yet again!) and he sees oodles of free fluid, in the "classic" triangular shape so he figured I had ovulated very recently. I told him of the pain at 5:30 and he said that that was probably ovulation pain.

With so much free fluid, he was laughing trying to see well enough on the monitor; apparently all that fluid had pushed my uterus aside and getting a good look was more difficult than usual. But the result was, all three follicles were gone on the left side and the right ones were kinda hanging out as they had been before.

He did the IUI and as I said, we opted to use the whole vial. He gave me a prescription for 200 mg of progesterone daily (for 14 days) AND he gave me a requisition for a beta on 11/12 DPO (which will be next Tuesday or Wednesday).

Now we just hope. And lots of it.

Hubby's also made the appointment for the semen analysis; though I fail to see why we would bother with a vasectomy and failed reversal in the history. Oh well. We'll just get it over with and move on.

I guess that is the theme for this month anyway... get it over with and move on to something that will give us hope.