Monday, September 17, 2007

IVF Testing

Thank you all for your kind words regarding the e-mail I had sent to my friend (see previous entry). I still haven't gotten in touch with her, although I know I need to. It's very hard to face as I am sure you all know. Funny, it never bothered me to be around p/g women before... or even as this whole process of pain has continued. But I find that the further I travel along this road, the more disheartening it becomes and the more frustrated I get at seeing women like that. I never used to avoid things like baby showers or weddings. I never cringed in the supermarket lineup when an obviously p/g woman stood in front of me. I never heaved a dejected sigh when my mother told me about yet someone else back at home who got p/g or had a baby. But now... I do. I avoid. I cringe. I sigh. And while I hate doing those things, it is very hard NOT to. The hurt and the pain is so raw. When I am not faced with these situations, I can SOMETIMES forget for a little while and I can be just Gil. But as soon as it enters my personal space, I am "IF Gil" and I hate who she is. I wonder if I'll ever really be rid of "IF Gil" and be just Gil again. I suppose the bigger question is, do I want to be rid of "IF Gil"?

Anyway, Hubby and I went last week to have bloodwork done (again). On Wednesday, attached at the hip to my MP3 player (which is full of a host of soothing music), we headed down to the clinic for my CD3 workup and this time, HIV testing to boot. That all needs to be done if we are going to pursue the IVF route in Montreal.

At the clinic, the phlebotomist (aka My Angel) did a superb job. When I told her why we were having the tests done, she asked if she ought to add a "Prenatal" workup to the list. Heck, sure! Why not? Yanno, if I can get it over in one stick versus two or more, it's all good by me! Even when one of the tubes was uncooperative, she handled it with aplomb. It still hurts like a bugger, but at least now, I don't need to take Lora.zepam to have blood drawn. Mind you, I felt awfully dizzy when she was done, so I remained on the bed, lying down. I stayed there like that til Hubby was done with his bloodwork too. Eeesh... and his was awfully quick. I heard her snap off the elastic from around his arm and said, "What? He's done ALREADY?" They both got a giggle out of me for that one. Yeah yeah, laugh it up. *eyeroll*

This morning I called my local clinic to ask that the results from last week's tests (and Hubby's last semen analysis) be faxed to me for my own knowledge and files. We'll see what comes back to us. Next up, we finish filling out forms for Montreal and forward them along.

Some little niggling part of my brain wonders though if we will really go through with it though. With IVF that is. You see, I have no hope. I have no faith. I have no expectations. Correction... I have the expectation of failure. And I have no expectation that we will even be accepted for IVF. I think I've pretty much written myself off. God that is really awful of me to say isn't it? But it is the truth. The circle of immediate people who would be here to support me in the event of a failure is so minimally small, I don't know if I want to bother going through with it. There's a lot of thinking to do yet. Good thing this clinic has a waiting list, huh? I'll need that time obviously.

And on the election note, thanks Aurelia for giving the low-down on at least one of the party platforms with regards to IF. Now to go ferretting out what the others have to say about it, if anything. Like you, I'm thrilled that IF was mentioned in the platform at all! We might get somewhere yet. Here's hoping!

Something fun to distract me this evening: local friends were just back home for a visit and through them, my family (Mom and my two aunts) has sent a bucket of freshly picked blueberries to me. I pick them up this evening after dinner. I can't wait!


Anonymous said...

hey girl...sorry you have all this doubt swirling around you right now, though i feel i can definitely relate....wishing you some peace from the inner turmoil...and enjoy those blueberries...yummy!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I hate blood work. I have gotten better at it with all of the sticks related to IVF and fertility treatment. It helps when there is someone who is actually good at drawing it there.

I am glad you survived it ok. I hope the workup comes back great and you get a great start to the IVF process.

Vee said...

Gil I could have written that first bit of your post word for word, I totally understand.

I hope the IVF is all smooth sailing for you and resurfaces for you.

Aurelia said...

You are welcome hon! I'm really pushing to get this done for for all the couples who are tired of waiting for just a little help and just a little hope.

(And seriously, if you find anything on the parties, let me know. So far, I'm drawing a blank, but they will have to respond to that section sooner or later, right?)

OHN said...

Gil..I am sorry you are feeling so sad. Sometimes it all does feel overwhelming but you have to follow your heart.

Glad you survived the blood letting:) I am one of those people that you would hate..the techs love me because I don't even mind if the students practice on me.