Wednesday, December 17, 2008


And still no sign of AF. The cramping that I was having has almost totally subsided (which kinda scares me in a way) and I am on the edge of my seat. Literally. I sort of have to be though; I'm moving offices by Friday to accomodate people in the new building at work. (God love my co-workers; they know my situation and three of them offered to help pack and move my stuff!)

Anyway, the thought that consumes me is: what I wouldn't give to have some sign, something, some indication, that there is hope. (Shlomit, I am so jealous in that respect!) Alas, I am afraid to let "Hope" in. Because I have learned that as soon as she gets a foot in the door, she brings the haggard wench, AF, along with her. So I am being hyper-cautious about tomorrow's beta. And honestly, I'm scared out of my wits!

I'm trying to keep busy and not stress. I'm trying to find little things to do to keep my brain occupied. That is proving to be almost impossible at this point with less than 24 hours to go.

I go in at 7:15 to pick up the requisition, take it downstairs to the lab, have the blood drawn and hopefully, by 4 or 5 p.m. I will know something. As I said in the virtual lushary today over at Mel's, I will take a milkshake for the moment, but keep a stiff drink behind the counter for me. I suspect I might be able to have the red wine and camembert that Shlomit was talking about!

I haven't opted to take any part of tomorrow off work. I expect that I will get the news later in the day, after the work day is over if the timing of phone calls from the clinic during the IVF were any sort of indication. So with luck, I won't have to leave the office in tears. By the same token, I won't be jumping for joy and screaming out in happiness, thus prompting colleagues to wonder if I've lost my mind. (Answer? Yes.)

Bah. Who am I kidding? It'll be the "tears" rather than the "jump for joy." Remember, this is me. Buttered side down. Always. Besides, I am sure it's the PIO that is keeping AF at bay for the moment. Maybe some of you who've gone down this road can enlighten me on that.

And I get through this one day at a time... I am so glad you are here with me though. I need some handholding right about now.


JJ said...

Hoping for wonderful news--holding your hand while you wait.

serenity said...

I SO know that fear. That wanting to hope, but being too afraid.

So, here. I've got a WHOLE LOT of hope for you. Fingers, toes, everything crossed.


Pam said...

Hang in there kiddo. I know exactly how you're feeling. Our first cycle V wouldn't let me poas. However, for me, I did so on subsequent cycles so I was prepared for the what ever came. My clinic makes their calls at about 1pm so the wait wasn't terrible, but if I was at work, it meant keeping it together for the rest of the day. And yes, the PIO will definitely keep AF at bay. I never bled before the end of the 2ww and on the BFNs, it usually took about 4 days. However, postive thoughts are being sent your way by so many of us. Good luck tomorrow.

FattyPants said...

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. I"m hoping you are wrong and you get to jump for joy.

Aurelia said...

All bits crossed here. ((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

I know just how scarey hope is. I totally, totally get it.
So you do what you need to do, and the rest of us will hold on to lots and lots of hope. Praying the next 24 hours zoom by (though we know they won't...grrrrr).
Sending hugs and more hugs.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! I remember shaking when I saw the 514 on the display each time. I called them the day of my first BETA just to tell them exactly what number they could call (they STILL called home first, though. Grr) and to remind them that they could leave a message at any/all numbers. The first time, I got the call at 1:30 or so, the second time they called home at 2:00 and finally returned my frantic call at 3:45. If you don't hear from them by 4:00, I'd call. I know this sounds so... flimsy, but GOOD LUCK. You're in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you today my bloggy friend!!!
Biggest hugs!!

Tally said...

Over here from Stirrup-Queens.

I am in Ottawa, too! I thumbed back through your blog - what a ride you have had.

Crossing my fingers for you, and hope that you have wonderful news by days' end.

Anonymous said...

Just popping in to say hello. It's 3:09. I hope your wait is over and I truly hope it's the best news of all.

Sending more hugs

Neeroc said...

Hey Gil - just stopping by to say hi, and that I hope you've heard some great news by now

Anonymous said...

Hey girl...
sending you big hugs for whatever kind of news you got...