Monday, December 22, 2008

So what's next on this journey?

I haven't posted any updates. Sorry! I'm a slacker huh? I do apologize. I think the reason I haven't posted is I'm afraid that the moment I say, "Everything is going fine," that something will go wrong! Ever the pessimist huh? I got scolded about that on Saturday by my stepdaughter in fact.

On Saturday, hubby had his kids and I spent the day out shopping with my friend and her daughter. Everyone was at our house for supper that night. And as it so happened, everyone at the table knows that we had a positive beta though as we told them all, it's super early and a lot of things can go wrong so don't get your hopes up yet, etc. ad nauseaum!

Anyway, we're having dinner and somewhere along the way, hubby brings up the fact that if this p/g goes to term and we have a *whispers* baby in August, then all his children's birthdays will be three months apart, starting with our child in August. And then the three kids at the table started chiming in, "Yeah, I'll be almost 15 when the baby comes," and, "I'll be 13 and a half!" and my friend's daughter, "Maybe we can babysit!" and on and on it went. I just sat there and looked at them all, my mouth kind of agape in disbelief. It was all so very surreal for them to be talking about OUR child. OUR baby. This p/g. It bowled me over. I held up my hand. "Stop! Dear heavens stop that. You can't do that to me guys. One day at a time please. Lots can go wrong. It's still very early. I have a lot of tests and things that I have to get through to make sure everything is okay," etc.

My stepdaughter looked at me and in a flat tone retorted, "You're always so negative about everything." And everyone at the table looked at me and nodded.

And in a way, I guess they're right. I don't necessarily want to be negative. I just want to be prepared for the worst. I'm so afraid of getting my hopes up now that I've had a positive beta, that it just makes me super nervous!

I know the road of infertility all too well. But I've no clue what to do next now that I have made it past a positive beta! This part of the road I've never even seen before. It's like driving in a new country for heaven's sake and I think they're Brits or Aussies. I'm on the wrong side of the road! Eeek!

Anyway, while my clinic in Montréal didn't want a second beta, my local clinic did. So I went this morning for that bloodwork. We'll see what the numbers yield. I'm so nervous. I fear that they will have dropped (indicating m/c). Or maybe doubled but not fast enough (indicating ectopic p/g). Or maybe jumped so high that hubby will be scared we have triplets in there! I don't know. I'm just waiting to hear the news...

I still need that hand-holding. Don't let go yet. Please. I need all the hands I can find!

By the way, my sister commented to me that she thought that there are some very sweet blogging buddies out there because she was touched by all the comments you left me. And I am grateful to have you all beside me because the support you give is incredible and above and beyond what one would expect. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You mean the world to me.


Neeroc said...

Hey Gil, I'm glad you've had a good weekend, and I'm super glad you posted!

I'm really glad the local clinic requested the doubling beta, that should hopefully give you some indication of how things are going and put your mind at rest over Christmas. Jan 2 would be a long way away otherwise...I insisted on the 2nd beta last time around, otherwise I would have been a complete wreck.

I hope you're able to get to the point of cautious optimism in this new experience. Celebrate how far you've come, even if you can't tell what the future brings. This is still a victory, a reason for joy.

Kate said...

Hopefully you'll start feeling sick soon and then you'll feel better about it. :)

Marc said...

Gil and Denis,

We are so glad it's good news! We are anxiously following all the news via this blog. You are very much in our thoughts these last few weeks.

Thank you so much for the lovely Christmas card some elf left in our mail box a few days ago.

Marc and Mary

Vee said...

Gil you are not being negative as Max would say you are being a realist.
Hoping all goes well with todays blood test and onwards and upwards from there.

Thalia said...

Well, many congrats on the pregnancy, that's wonderful! And sorry it's taken me a while to say so.

Aurelia said...

Yeah, well people who think you are being too negative, obviously haven't been through what you have been through.

We get it, and anyway most non-IF people on earth don't announce until 3 months anyway, so I think you are justified in saying that they might be getting ahead of themselves. Because you blog publicly and share with them, they are finding out earlier than most and it changes things.

Anyway, I'll bet your second beta will be great. Honestly, I wanted you to get one!

I'll check back later.

loribeth said...

Just catching up on some blog reading & wanted to say congratulations!!