Sleeping in my own bed is a novelty.

My my, but time flies. In less than a week, Petite will be 11 months old; it feels like I blinked and a year went POOF! What the heck happened? July has been a total whirlwind of activity.

The 2nd was a rough day; Petite was teething. I was supposed to go watch a friend's son at his lacrosse game but it just didn't happen because of Petite being so very out of sorts. A bit of pain medication and a bottle and she took an extra long nap, which was sorely needed by the time she went down.

On the 8th, we spent a few hours at a friend's house. T just had a baby boy and before he gets too big, we really wanted to see him and T's little girl as well. Unfortunately Petite won't be able to attend the little girl's upcoming birthday party. I wish we were going to be here for that, it would be fun. We'll have to hope that she can come to Petite's party in August. Anyway, it was a lovely few hours to spend with T, her mom and both of her children. Petite had fun seeing new toys and experiencing someone else's house for a bit!

On the 9th, we spent the morning at the caregiver's house with the other children there. That was fun too; Petite was able to sit and play a bit with them, but obviously she's the youngest there so she can't quite do everything that they do yet. She'll get there. It was a great opportunity for Petite to spend time with the caregiver and get used to being there; my return to work is fast approaching much to my disgust. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working and all. But I hate the thought of leaving my little girl in the arms of someone else for five days straight when all I get is a couple of hours in the evening to spend with her before she goes to bed. It's not going to be easy on me at all. That's for sure. How do moms do it? I dunno. I guess I gotta figure that out though, right? Ugh. Talk about pulling at my heartstrings...

Starting on the 12th, we took a five-day driving trip to New Brunswick to see family members; three or four of whom hadn't yet met Petite but were eager to get hugs and kisses from our little sweetie. And it was a wonderful trip. I had the opportunity to see my cousin who lives out west (he's an RCMP officer) and he brought his fiancée home (she too is an officer). Family flew up and drove up to get together. One night at dinner, there were 11 of us. So absolutely wonderful to see them all... and all in the one place. Hopefully when the wedding is held next year out west, we can all do it again, and more will be able to join us.

For Petite, it was a journey that was full of firsts: first car trip (of any substantial distance), first night in a hotel, first night sleeping in the travel pack-and-play that we have, first time to meet said family members, etc. It was loads of fun and she did really well. Although I have to say that by the time we finally got back home, she was none too pleased with her car seat and I was glad to have a break from having to strap her into it... yet again!

We returned home on the 17th from that jaunt to the East Coast and then after two glorious nights in our own beds, turned right around and last week, we spent five days and four nights in the great outdoors. Tent camping with an infant... now THAT'S a blast and a half!!

We went with our good friends, K and her daughter K, and Hubby's two teenaged children. The seven of us went camping in a provincial park in Quebec and we loved it! It was hot on our first full day though, and of course Petite was out of her element entirely so she was not herself. By the second full day she found her groove though and was more comfortable, eating and drinking normally and sleeping better as well. We had some amazing experiences on the trip. Marshmallows and S'mores over the campfire at night. Scattering peanuts to attract the chipmunks and instead seeing a family of baby racoons and their mom come to our site to feed. Watching an incredible lightshow of thunder and lightning in the distance, after it had passed over us... it lasted almost 4 hours in total. Canoeing on the lake with my friend, and then with Hubby. Swimming in that same lake, and then taking Petite swimming at another lake close by with a sandy bottom; she loved it! Letting Petite try campfire toast and also pancakes (she enjoyed both, by the way). Watching the sky at night, and seeing a falling star. Trading stories with the kids and my friend one afternoon, snacking on munchies and letting Petite nap beside us in her pack-and-play. We returned yesterday, and today, I'm up to my eyeballs in washing. Every stitch that we brought smells of woodsmoke! Lovely when you're in the great Canadian wilderness, not so hot when you're at the shopping mall!

An update on another topic:
We did get a new car seat for Petite; it's the First Years True Fit (Rebound) car seat. We'd debated between the Safety 1st Complete Air or the Britax Boulevard seats, but when we got a good look at the True Fit, and after talking to a reliable source about all three models, we selected the True Fit and we're really pleased with it. I expect I'll be taking it home with me when I fly to Newfoundland in a few days' time just so I can ensure that I have a good, reliable car seat with me on the trip.

Yes indeed, another trip. Petite and I leave on Tuesday (her 11-month birthday) to fly to see my family for three weeks. It'll be the first time since January that my dad (Poppy in this blog) will see her. Nana (my mom) has come to see her on a couple of occasions since January so it won't be such a shock for her, but Poppy will see a huge difference in Petite between her development at 4 months and now at 11 months. What a change! While we're there, we'll have her one-year photos done, complete with a cake smash, and hopefully we'll be able to drive to the bay where my mom grew up and visit family and friends out there who've never met Petite either.

I am sure it sounds a tad morbid, but you know, I would love... really really LOVE to take her to my maternal grandparents' gravesite and "show" her to them. I was very close with my mom's parents and a beautiful photo of them hangs in my home. I know they would have loved to meet Petite and they would have been spectacular great-grandparents to her. I wish Petite could have that. In any case, when we go 'around the bay' to my mom's home, I usually find a few moments to spend at my grandparents' graves, just to connect with them again and remind them how much I miss them. I hope I can bring Petite there and let them meet her. Does that sound silly? Stupid? Insane? I don't know. To me, it sounds right. But then again, I'm a sentimental fool sometimes. One of my quirks I guess. What do you think? Should I take her there? Or is it best avoided? What would you do?

As for her development: Petite is cruising with ease (aka furniture walking as Hubby calls it). She is pulling herself to a standing position, both using furniture and using nothing at all! She rocks in place, sort of bouncing when she hears music of any sort (I sing to her all the time). And all of this lead to her taking her first single step on July 9. Just one step mind you, but she did it before flopping down on her bottom. We were so pleased to see it! She did it again while we were on our driving trip to NB as well: we were stopped at a rest area to let her stretch her legs and she was extremely engrossed by other little children. Barefoot in the grass, she took a hesitant step forward before she wobbled and plopped down.

She's experimenting with solid food too. Last night, she had chicken and peas for dinner. Tonight, she had whole milk in her own cup (rather than desperately sneaking some of the 1% milk from us!), peas, and some Cheerios. I expect she's well on the road to solids now so I'm going to have to figure out what she will eat and can eat until a few more teeth come in. She still only has two, but she's doing okay with those already!

She loves the water but I wish I could get her to stay sitting for her baths! Why is it that Hubby has no problem when he bathes her? Argh! It's like pulling teeth to get her to stay on her bottom instead of pulling at me to stand up!

Her syllables are getting more complex and she's able to repeat sounds. We've had her saying "Ma ma ma ma" and "Da da da da" as well as "Na na na na," "no no no no" (she picked that one up quickly!) and she tries to repeat "tickle tickle tickle" with a LOT of success! She knows many words in both French and English and boy, does she love her books! Then again, she loves trying to grab for the phone or the remote, or Daddy's electronics, so I'm not sure if she'll take after me or Hubby! The things that are yet to uncover... it's all so incredible.

And every day I remain awestruck that we have been so blessed. For there are many who would give much to walk in my shoes.

Anger's First Surfacing

It happened for the first time tonight.



I got angry at my daughter.

She had a pretty good day, although because of extreme heat, she didn't get outside like we wanted her to. It was just too hot here (temps of 33 degrees with a humidex of 38 or 39) and we were super uncomfortable. The AC has been running non-stop all day.

This afternoon, she went down for a nap, but she didn't nap well; only about 20 or 30 mins. Usually she's taking naps of 1 to 1.5 hours. Hubby was the one who put her down; he figures the heat was bothering her. Anyway, she was up much earlier than usual and a little fussy. Hubby gave her something for her teeth (the bottom right one is almost through her gums, the left one is up already).

At supper she ate fairly well, although she doesn't want her food warmed when temps are sticky like this, and she sat and played or cruised around furniture while Hubby and I ate a quick bite. He had to go to work, and so he was out the door by 6:30 and I ran her bath by 6:45. She took her bath really well... as usual she loves the water. I dressed her in thin pyjamas; a two-piece set in fact, thinking that it would be cooler for her to sleep in.

She played again for awhile, and around 7:40 I noticed a lull in her activity. That's usually my cue to get her bottle in her and settle her for bed. Bottle ready, I read her a story (Goodnight Moon) and she guzzled the full six ounces without looking up. She refused to settle down though, and I shifted her a dozen times, trying to cool her off and trying to get her comfortable. She gave a couple of good burps but she still didn't doze off. I set her down on the floor to play again while I prepared another bottle. She took about an ounce or so of that but still refused to settle to sleep. She cried, squealed, wriggled, arched her back, did it all. Eventually I put her down to play again.

By 8 p.m., she was exhausted. Rubbing her eyes, she was up on her knees and crying at me; she was completely beside herself with sleep. But she refused. This little girl fights sleep. HARD. Finally I just took her into her bedroom, and put her in her crib. I tried to give her a little more formula... she refused. So I turned on the monitor and slipped out. That's when the screaming and screeching started. She did that for about 20 minutes, and then I heard a 'thunk' and a halt to the noise, before it started in earnest. I ran in to see what happened.

Little girl's arms are longer and she's taller, so she could reach a set of photo albums in a wooden box and hauled them into the crib, on top of herself. I think she got more of a fright than anything; she certainly wasn't hurt. I put them back and took her out of her crib, into our room where it was cooler and quiet. She was so tuckered out, but still she twisted and turned in my arms. I rubbed her back like she likes. I smoothed back her damp hair. I made sure she had her Soothie. I rocked back and forth on the bed with her. Finally, she found a position she was sort of comfortable in, lying face down across my forearm, and I gently swayed her into what I hoped would be dreamland.

When I thought she was dozy enough to set down in her crib, I got up and did that. And whammo... wide awake. She scooched way up her crib on her knees and forearms, and rolled over to stand up. I went out of the bedroom, turning off the light and listened yet again to her hollering and yet again, she pulled down the photo albums. Enough was enough. By this time, it was after 9 p.m. and I was thoroughly frustrated.

I frowned. I admonished. I told her repeatedly that it was time for sleep and Mommy needed to rest too. I had had it and I was at my wit's end. She was sitting in her crib, crying and I reached in to lay her down again. Just as I did... "bleah"... she vomited a little bit right into my hand. I was within striking distance of her facecloths so I grabbed one to wipe my hand, and then her chin. And as I did... "bleah" again. The cloth caught most of it. I turned to throw that one in the hamper and get another, and while I did, "bleah" a third time and a virtual white river of semi-digested, sour-smelling formula came up. It spilled all over her chest and legs. All over her jammies. All over her cribsheet, and through to the underpad.

I took a moment to just breathe. I stripped her down to her diaper and grabbed another cloth, ran it under warm water to wipe her skin. Then I sat her on the floor while I stripped her bed and changed it. But as children are wont to do, she wouldn't stay there of course. No no. She had to try to chase the meow-meows. Then into Mommy's and Daddy's bedroom to grab at whatever she could reach. Then down the hall to the bathroom and try to get her bath toys off the edge of the tub. I was ready to pull out my hair! Chasing her (she's supposed to be asleep) the cats meowing to be fed, smelly stinky sour bedclothes in my arms and trying to change her sheets. ARGH!

I got her changed, and bundled her under one arm like a football. I was ready to scream with frustration. I took her back out to the living room... and as I did, it hit me.

I was angry. But even in my anger and frustration, this sweet little girl was grabbing at my shirt with her pudgy little fists. She was clinging to me (dear Lord, I hope it wasn't out of fear...) and she was as quiet as a mouse as I stomped through the house with her, sweat pouring from my forehead. I plunked her down in the living room and she unclenched her fists from my shirt and just looked at me. I sat in the rocking chair, feeling completely alone, and did what I needed to do: I started to count to ten and just breathe.

One... breathe Gil. Just breathe.



Two...



Three...

I heard her crawl towards me.



Four... breathe... you can do this.



Five...



And a little hand touched my knee as she stood up and patted my leg.





I broke down and wept.

I was so, so so terribly sorry for having even felt one moment of anger. I don't think I have the right to feel that towards her. I know it's inevitable that anger will come into play now and then as you raise a child. But honestly, after going through what we have, after doing all that we did, after recognizing that so many in this world would give so very much to have what I have today, do I really and truly have the right to be angry? EVER?? I don't think so. Honestly, I don't think so. But I know that's a pitfall of infertility. Can I marry what I know is inevitable with what my heart feels I should never, ever do? I don't know. I just don't know.

And then, to realize that I was angry at my daughter and honestly, she was just not feeling well. I definitely don't have THAT right. That's for sure. I do realize that.

I have never been as sorry as I was tonight. I picked her up, wiped my tear-stained face and held her tightly, kissing her sweet cheeks and smoothing her damp hair. And as I rocked back and forth with her and she finally, peacefully, drifted off to sleep, the mantra in my head droned: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh baby girl, Mommy is so very very sorry.

Please forgive me.

Never have I been so sorry.



She went to sleep. I kissed her a dozen times. I set her down in her crib and I buried my face in my hands. Can I ever learn to forgive myself? I don't think so.

A Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin On

June 23 was a pretty unforgettable day. For a number of reasons.

I admit, I was cranky -- I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of PMS -- and hubby and I had our first real argument since Petite was born. They say not to argue in front of the children right? Fair enough. Petite was heading down for a nap anyway. Well, supposedly. Kinda. Maybe? Let's put it this way: she was SUPPOSED to take her morning nap but she wasn't having any of that so she wailed and screeched and fussed in her crib while he and I argued and we finally brought her out to the living room to be with us but that means that she heard a lot of our disagreement. Ugh. Not fair to her, I know. Must make a better effort in that department...

Then, just when my blood pressure was settling down, I was reading a few blogs and I heard a rattling and the floor started to shake. For a split second, I thought that one of the heavy trucks from the construction up the street had passed in front of our house. But it went on, and on and blammo... it hit me. Earthquake.

Now as some of you may know, I lived in Japan for three years. And while I was there, I had the opportunity to feel a lot of earthquakes. Some very minor. Some pretty major. I was living in Japan when the Kobe earthquake of 1995 hit and thousands lost their lives. Although I didn't live anywhere near Kobe, I felt that one for sure. It was early morning, and I was getting dressed for work. Before I left my apartment, I was seeing the first reports of it on the Japanese morning news. I remember I picked up the phone and quickly called my parents; they were out so I left a message to the effect that we had gone through a pretty severe quake but not to worry, I was fine and heading off to work for the day. Well, as that day went on, we realized just how severe that quake was. My parents later told me how glad they were that I had contacted them first to let them know I was fine... well before the phone lines got jammed up.

Anyway, at about 1:40 on June 23, I felt that same, familiar shaking. I heard that same, familiar rumbling. I was in the kitchen on our laptop, Petite and Hubby were in the living room. As I was jumping up to grab Petite, she was crawling towards me at top speed and wailing in fear. I scooped her up, held her tight and the three of us headed out the back door and into our backyard. If I were downtown or in a major city centre, being outside is more dangerous as falling buildings and debris can be a problem. Here in the suburbs, there's a lot more open space so outside is probably the best place to be. Short of that, find the heaviest, sturdiest piece of furniture and get underneath it. A solid oak dining table comes to mind! So there we were, outside and waiting, waiting, waiting for the shaking to stop. It seemed like an eternity but in reality, it was probably 20 to 30 seconds that the major shaking was happening. Petite was swiveling in my arms, trying frantically to find out where the noise and tremors were coming from. She looked at me like, "Mom, what the heck is this? I'm scared!" and all I could do was hold her and wait for it to subside. When the trembling stopped, we gave it a minute or two and then went back inside.

The first thing I did was pick up the phone and call my folks. Guaranteed they would hear about this and fast and if I knew them, they were going to worry. I left them a message. "Hey Mom and Dad, it's me. So I'm leaving you a message very similar to one you got many years ago while I was in Japan. We've just had an earthquake. Bet you didn't think I'd ever have to say that in Canada did you?! Well, we did but we're fine. Petite is fine. The house is fine. So don't worry. We'll talk later. Love you!"

The first thing Hubby did was start searching the web for reports of the quake. At first, nothing. But after about 5 or 8 minutes, we started to see reports and within 30 minutes, we had the details. It was a 5.0 quake on the Richter scale (originally pegged at 5.5, it was downgraded). It was centred in Val-des-Bois, Québec, about 40 km (25 miles) from where we live and about 15 km beneath the earth's surface. Pretty close. It was felt as far away as Ohio and Boston and was the most significant quake this area has felt in a very, very long time. Needless to say, it was a first for me in Canada but I'm glad I knew what to do.

Also, on June 23, one of my friends, T, had a c-section as she was almost at term with baby #2. (Yes, baby #1 was a c-section as well so she and her docs opted to schedule a c-section for this one.) Two years ago, she had her daughter using donor sperm (she's a single mom by choice) and today, she gave birth to a full sibling for her daughter... a baby boy this time around. Over 9 lbs by all reports! Can't wait to see him. I believe both mom and baby are doing well.

And I can finally give you a report regarding Petite: she has teeth! (I realize that could have been part of her crankiness on the 23rd as well.) Her two bottom teeth have finally made an appearance, right before she turns 10 months old. We've suspected teething for a bit and the doctor saw that her gums were flattened and ready for those little pearly whites to make an appearance soon. Well, after all of our suspicions, I found them for sure on June 24; I figure the earthquake shook them right up and out through her gums! WOOT for teeth!

Now if you will excuse me, there's a rather pungent baby in the next room. I believe Mommy's on duty for a diaper change. Love to you all in blogland!

Father's Day

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge all the Fathers and Dads (yes, each of those is different) out there today.

Much like Mother's Day is hard for us women who are TTC, so too is Father's Day for those who are praying, hoping and wishing for a child to call them "Daddy." Some of them don't talk about it and just brush it under the mat, trying to deny or hide their feelings. Some are open about it and are vocally expressing thoughts, ideas and talking about legislation in the TTC community. Some of them have blogs, some used to have blogs, and some loathe the idea of blogging. Some of them will spend the day feeling like something is missing from their lives. Some will carry on as if today is just another day and it's no big deal.

But each of them holds a little hope that one day, one day, just maaaaayyyyybeee... there'll be a little boy or girl in their arms giving them a plaster of Paris mold of a handprint and planting sloppy kisses on their whiskered cheeks.

And for each of those men, I hope that you and your partner find your way through these twisted roads in the "Land of IF." May your hopes and dreams come true, sooner rather than later. Please know that we women understand that you too are dealing with your own grief when it comes to infertility, even if you don't express it in the same way we do. Sometimes we don't know how to help you through it, but talking about it with us is probably a very good first step.

And keep hoping. Never give up. There IS a way. There is ALWAYS a way.

So to all the Fathers and Dads out there -- biological, step, adoptive, foster, in-law, 'like a Father', dads-in-waiting, dads-to-be, dads who have passed on (be it when their child is old or young), and all the Moms who are both Mom and Dad -- I want to wish you a very happy day. Thank you for taking the time to shape a child's life and loving them unconditionally. To my own father, Happy Father's Day, Dad! This is his first year as a Grandpa on Father's Day and I made sure Petite sent a card to her Poppy. To Hubby, Petite is lucky to have you for a Da-Da! Happy first Father's Day... again!

Upgrading Petite's Car Seat! Among other things...

Well now, it's been awhile since I've posted but it's cause I have a ton of things on my plate. What else is new, right?

First up, a few medical procedures for my friend K. She, like me, is having her gallbladder removed in the coming days so I'm trying to help her out in preparation for that. She is having some work done on one of her teeth too, but because of the cancer and surgery scars and all that, it's hella hard to freeze her so a root canal is taking not one, not two, but at least THREE appointments. Ugh. Poor lady. I can only encourage her and be there for her... and drive her when she's woozy with drugs!

Her daughter just celebrated her 13th birthday and we surprised the heck outta her by taking her and some friends to a new (huge!) water park that just opened near here. Calypso is fantastic! If you are in the vicinity, go check it out. What a blast we had!

Petite is about to outgrow her infant car seat so I'm investigating options and styles. I've heard great things about the Britax Boulevard style and the Safety 1st Complete Air LX. Maybe some of you can weigh in with your thoughts? (Saje, if you're reading, I'd love to hear what you think!)

And we have a super busy month ahead. Okay, two months. A jaunt to the east coast to see family who haven't met Petite yet. A four-day camping trip with the stepkids and our friends. (If you've gone tent-camping with an infant, I'd love to hear your tips/tricks!) Then Petite and I fly home to see my family for three weeks... and right after that, I go back to work. Yes indeed, my year of maternity leave is almost at an end. I've enjoyed every moment and I HATE to have to leave Petite with a caregiver. But I must and I will. And many tears will flow. Guaranteed.

I'm thrilled to say that Vee's backyard fundraiser raised oodles of money for Rainbows for Kate. I wish I could have been there myself, but it's wonderful to see so many people come out and donate in celebration of Max's life. I know he was watching over all of the festivities and I bet he was grinning from ear to ear! Well done Vee! *claps*

The post in which I admit I'm old. But old is good.

I still haven't done my "What IF" post. I need to sit down and get cracking with that. It's late, sure, but it's still ruminating in my head. There are so many of the "what IFs" that apply to me, it's sort of overwhelming, but I need to address them for my own peace of mind.

Petite has hit the 9-month mark. I can't believe we've gotten this far. (Will I ever stop saying that?) At the doc's last week, one day after her 9-month birthday, she weighed 19.5 pounds, and measured 27.5 inches. She's got lots of strawberry blonde hair coming in, and it's starting to flatten out the stand-up style hairdo she's had since she was tiny. Everyone comments on her hair! Strangers stop us in all sorts of places to tell us they love her hair, or how cute she is, or whatever. It's nice to hear those sorts of comments. We know she's cute, but we're kinda biased, yanno. Petite is crawling like crazy (we put up two gates on the main floor of our house). She's skilled at pulling herself to a standing position and cruising around the room using the furniture (i.e., walking while holding onto the sofa, ottoman, etc.). She is obsessed with catching the "meow-meows" and grabbing fistfuls of fur. She giggles fiercely when you play peekaboo with her. She loves books and soft toys. She enjoys outings like nobody's business. She has had her first swim in our pool, given that our weather is really warm these days. She loves blueberry dessert and yogourt. We've given her the chicken and vegetable dinner and beef and macaroni dinner too and she likes that. Although in the last three or four days, she's off her food because she's finally teething! The doc can see the little white bumps in her lower gums and figures that within a few weeks the two front teeth will make an appearance. It'll be the end of the gummy broad smile I've come to know and love and it'll mark a milestone in her development. And that means that Nana can forget the whole "We're going to have to get her dentures" thing! I still can't believe all this time has gone by!

My birthday was last week, a milestone birthday too. Forty years old. I'm not really 40, am I? Seriously? In my head, I'm still 16! (Okay, okay... 23. Cause I can drive, vote, have a good drink and all that good stuff.) But the years between my time in Japan and now have just FLOWN by. I dunno where it all went! It's incredible. But you know something? 40 is good. I'm blessed beyond belief. I have a roof over my head. I have two cars in the driveway. I have a good job that pays relatively well. I have a wonderful, caring, loving family. I have a husband that is too good to me; I don't know if I deserve him. I have an adorable sweet angel of a daughter. I have a great friend who offered to babysit for a few hours on my birthday so hubby and I could get out for a meal together, alone. (It was the first time Petite had a babysitter and she did great! Most likely because she knows this friend of mine pretty well.) I even have a friend who stopped by on my birthday with a card and flowers, since we didn't hold any sort of party or anything to celebrate (funds are tight with hubby in school so we plan very carefully these days).

For my birthday, I received cash from most of my family, which is always a nice gift! I got a couple of gift certificates to my favourite spa; I see a pedicure in my future! I got a sweet little pin from Petite, a Motherhood Angel pin. It depicts a mother in angel form and child in her arms, face to face. And my mom and hubby picked up a card from Petite for me, and hubby held her hand and helped her "sign" her name! It's too sweet. It's a keeper for sure. I also got to see my mom and my sister and that was wonderful! It's the first time I've seen my sister since Petite was one-month old. So she saw lots of changes in the baby.

And one other thing I got for my birthday/Mother's Day this year. Hubby bought a ring for me. A peridot ring with diamond accents. Those are Petite's and hubby's birthstones. I retired the emerald that has been on my right hand since I was 22 years old. For my 40th, there's something bigger and better than me; it's my family. And I'm so very happy to be where I am right now.

Upcoming stuff:

• A trip to the east coast to see my cousin, aunt and uncle. (My cousin called me last night actually; he got engaged this past weekend!)
• Also, a camping trip with my stepchildren, our friends and of course, Petite. If you have tips for camping with an infant, I'm all ears!
• A trip home in July/August for me and Petite, and maybe a bit of an early celebration for her birthday while we're there.
• And of course, the transition to daycare. Ohhh, now that's gonna hurt me more than it does Petite!

Before I sign off, a shout out to my girlfriend and her daughter, the people that just babysat Petite last week for us. These people are K and her daughter K. I've known them for 12 years or so. Last week, they got their black belts in TaeKwon-Do. My friend K conquered cancer a couple of years ago and of course had put her training on hold during her time in treatment and when she was ill. Little K also took time off to help her mom around the house and together, they got through a very difficult time. They ought to be very proud of this accomplishment and I was so happy to be there to watch the awarding ceremony. Congrats to both of you! Job well done!

Love to you all in blogland!

The Celebratory Society

When I was interviewed by The Globe and Mail two years ago for a piece about blogging and infertility, I was asked why a blog? Why did I feel the need to 'let it all hang out' so to speak? And my answer then was the same as it is today: I started this blog for me. I needed a place to record my thoughts and feelings, our process, the tests, medications, tears, pain, etc. that we all deal with when we first venture into the vast land of infertility. I said it then and I'll say it again, "If I get readers, great! If not, well, that's okay too. I just need to do this for me."

Little did I know that so many others were out there who could relate to me. Who wanted to read about our journey. Who could possibly learn something from what we were going through. And who might discover that infertility isn't as taboo as our society seems to try to make it.

Little did I know that so many of you would follow along and cry with us at our failures and cheer with us when Petite was born last August.

Little did I know that so many of you would also touch my soul.

Case in point, Max and Vee. I have become very close with Vee over the last couple of years. And Max's death is still so raw, so heart wrenching. I am still coming to terms with it myself and the tears still flow freely. For these two people and their love have touched me greatly and I count them among my friends, even though they live so far away.

So it is in the spirit of Festschrift that I open the floor to you. Mel, our dear Stirrup Queen has proposed The Celebratory Society to all of us as a way to celebrate the people in the blogosphere who have touched us in one way or another. As Mel says, she has no qualms about admitting how self-indulgent this is. And I have to agree! But there you have it. The floor is yours. Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in. Tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. And then do the same on your own blog, add it to the master list and give me the chance to tell YOU what you have meant to me.

Contacting Vee

For those of you who got lost in the shuffle when Vee went password-protected, please e-mail me your own e-mail address and blog link. I will pass them all on to Vee and ensure that she is aware that you are thinking of her. Max's memorial will be on Friday morning in their hometown in Australia and as mentioned, donations in his memory should be made to the Rainbows for Kate Foundation. We love you Max, and we miss you more than words can say.

Alex's Passing (with addendum)

Today, my heart aches. For today, Alex (aka Max) has passed.

I "met" Alex years ago, when I started looking around on the Internet for information about trying to conceive when you have no sperm to work with! There were very few blogs then, and even fewer written from the male point of view, but somehow, I found Max's blog, Dynamo Dad (currently inactive). He talked about having Azoospermia and wanting to have a child with his wife, Vee. And in his words, I found comfort. I read about his journey for awhile before I started reading Vee's blog, The Sweet Life (currently password protected). And then, after more time had passed, I began writing this blog. And I got to know Alex and Vee, and came to share in their story.

Vee and Alex had begun TTC in November 2005 with their first IUI. And as we all know, the journey goes on and on. But for Vee and Alex, there was a helluva bump in the road; Alex was diagnosed with cancer in February 2008. He was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, Leiomyosarcoma. It did not respond to treatment... at least, not well enough. And so they wondered if they ought to continue their journey to build a family.

The decision was made to do so, and as luck would have it, Vee and I cycled at the same time in November/December 2008. We both got VERY lucky and got BFPs. Our due date was the same, August 25, 2009. Vee and I took comfort that there was someone going through exactly what the other was going through at the exact same time. We have gone through our pregnancies together. We sent each other gifts and cards. We e-mailed each other for support and with questions. I sent them a "hope" care package at one point, simply because I was thinking of them and praying for them. We kept up to date with each other's birth story for the babies when that happened last August, and since then, we have watched our children hit milestones together. Their little boy Doudou is so beautiful; there's too much cuteness to behold! I get to see the wonderful photos that Vee uploads to Facebook and I get to smile at the family that they have built together.

And yet, all along, the cancer continued to ravage Alex's body.

There was doubt that Alex would be alive to greet their baby. And when he was able to be there, I rejoiced for them.

They wondered if Alex would be able to share the baby's first Christmas. And when he was able to be there, we rejoiced.

They hoped Alex would be there to celebrate the new year and the changing of the seasons. And he has been there. And we rejoiced.

They wished for Alex to be there to celebrate their first Easter, and when he was, we rejoiced.

And all along the cancer continued to wreak havoc on Alex's fragile body.

Over the last few months, Vee and Alex discussed Alex's final wishes. A little while ago, they had to modify their home to accommodate Alex's needs. Vee reached out to her friends to help her at home, for Alex could no longer be left alone. And Vee wept with grief, knowing that there was no coming out of this. And we all wept alongside her for the downturn was evident.

And yesterday, Alex took a turn for the worse and Vee watched him gasp for every breath. And we cried alongside them. Vee asked that he not be afraid. And my heart broke for her and their family and for their little boy.

Today, I have just learned that Alex has passed. The tears roll down my cheeks for I wish their little boy could grow up knowing his daddy. I wish Vee didn't have to say goodbye to her husband. As she says, they were meant to grow old together. I cannot fathom the grief they feel today. I wish things were different. I wish for so much... and yet, none of it will come true.

So instead, I wish for peace. I know that Alex feels no more pain. I know that one day, he will see Vee and their little boy again. I wish Vee comfort, in knowing that we all share her grief and we support her. I wish them love. I hope that the memories of her beautiful Alex will live on. I know that their baby boy will hear about how very much his daddy loved him.

And still I shed tears, for life has not dealt them a fair hand. They deserved more than this. We all do.

Grief marks us today, but it will not mark us forever. We shall move on and rejoice in the fact that we knew Alex at all. And one day, when Petite gets to meet their little boy, and I get to hug Vee in person (I will make that happen), I will raise a glass with her in Alex's name. For he is a wonderful man, a strong man, a beautiful person, a doting father and loving husband.

Alex, may you rest in peace and may God hold you in the palm of his hand until one day, your family is with you again. Watch over them and keep them close, just as we pray for your safekeeping and peace. We love you Alex. God bless and Godspeed.

Addendum

Before his passing, Max asked Vee to convey that in lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Rainbows For Kate Foundation in his memory. I will certainly be doing that myself, as obviously being in Canada, I cannot attend the memorial in Australia on Friday morning. But you can be certain that is exactly where my thoughts and my spirit will be...

Post By Topic

Follow the Headers to see what I'm blathering about this week...

What IF?

Many of you have heard of Resolve's current project, in conjunction with Mel's blog. "What IF" is something I'd like to touch on, but I'm going to do so during the upcoming Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (May 16-22). In the meantime, I did read the "What IF" list on Mel's blog. I took about an hour to get through it and by the time I was done, I was in tears. It's emotionally raw and so many of those What IFs touch on my own experiences with infertility. Go. Read. You will be glad that you did. My "What IF" post will be coming in the next week or so.

Baby By Stealth

Pam sent me the link to this article earlier this week. It discusses the surreptitious ways that Canadians are using to create families, because of the 2004 Assisted Human Reproduction Act. As a result, Fertility Law Leaves Us in Limbo, say doctors at infertility clinics. Until there is some sort of direction from government, you'll find a variety of procedures, protocols and responses from all of Canada's infertility clinics and each does things differently. Buyer beware, right?

Additionally, Red Flag Raised at Fertility Agency discusses the issues faced by the members of the Agency and the fact that their hands seem to be tied when it comes to legislation and seeming inability to move forward. Those who have left the Agency are under a gag order and cannot discuss particulars. There's something fishy about it all... More to come, I'm sure.

THE Day

This weekend it arrives. It's the first time I will mark the day in these shoes... as a mom of a little girl. To tell the absolute truth, I am apprehensive about it. I have spent so many years trying to push it out of my mind and wondering where I fit in, as a woman of child-bearing age, as a stepmom, as an "Aunt" to many of my friends' children, but yet, as an infertile. I love celebrating Mother's Day with my own mom (as I did last year) so I usually move the focus to her, and deservedly so. She's been a mom for almost 40 years now (more on that in a moment) and God knows, I'm thankful for her and for doing a helluva job raising me and my sister. But me? A MOM?? I still find it hard to believe most days. It's still sinking in. It may always be that way.

I find it hard to watch Mother's Day commercials, to see ads in the newspaper, to peruse the inevitable catalogues from jewelery stores that tout "Moms" and the baubles that they deserve. Are moms all that more deserving? I don't know about that. Yes, it's wonderful to be sitting on this side of the fence, and you, my longtime readers know just how grateful and blessed I am. But as a person, I'm no different than I was before I had Petite. Who is to say that because you have a child, you are thus admitted to "the club" and get the rights and privileges therein? I look at it through the eyes of an infertile, and I think I always will.

All women are deserving. Women who have had a child, women who have lost a child, women who have had a miscarriage, women who have been trying for a child, women who are sisters, daughters, aunts, friends, single... all of us. ALL OF US ARE DESERVING. So if you know a woman who isn't a mom per se (in the 'traditional' sense of the word), please make sure you consider her this Sunday. For she, like you and me, still deserves recognition, just for being the loving, caring soul that she is.

My Birthday / Mother's Day

My birthday falls about three weeks after Mother's Day. This year, I will be the dreaded 4-0. I'm really not looking forward to that. My head and my heart are stuck back in the 80s! I'm much younger than that, aren't I? Seriously?! At least, I feel like I'm in the 80s. When I look at the date on my calendar, it's a bit surreal! In any case, I have chosen to commemorate my first Mother's Day and my birthday by ordering a ring for myself. I chose a peridot ring with diamond accents. Peridot is Petite's birthstone and diamond is my husband's birthstone. I hope it's as nice as it looks online. If so, I'll take a pic and show you. It should be here in about two weeks.

Stupid 'Friends'

Okay, you've been warned. There's a rant incoming...

Sometimes I wonder about my so-called 'friends.' Honestly. The asinine statements (or lack of any statement altogether) is just astounding. A dim-witted friend blurted out her pregnancy to me the other day, after a few months of TTC for #2. She has done nothing but focus on her all-day sickness ever since. I could thwap her upside the head. Can I 'unfriend' her on Facebook? Might be a thought.

Actually, there are a few folks I probably ought to 'unfriend.' Like the friend who made sure I was invited to a shower, but not to any milestone events her child has had since. Or the friend who "promised(!)" that she'd come visit and meet Petite during her own year-long maternity leave... and I haven't heard from her since October. Or the friend who moved to a new home in the summer of last year, and hasn't called, e-mailed, or seen me since, despite protests that I "had to see her new place!" The friend who had a birthday in the fall, and whom I invited out for dinner... and who never responded to me first nor last. The friend who lived with us for ages, who was living in our home during the IF protocol, who moved to her own place and who hasn't yet made any effort whatsoever to meet our daughter. The friend who was very close to me for a few years, and who decided to stop communicating with me only to recommence communicating, yet didn't bother to even ask about my recent surgery or see if I was doing okay and with whom I've had minimal contact during the last month or so. Some friend huh? And many of these people don't even bother to send a freakin' Christmas card? Seriously, where the f*ck do I find them? Cripes. I dunno. Is it me? I've half a mind to tell them all where to get off! Can I do that and still call myself a decent person? Sometimes I wonder.

Upcoming Visits

My sister is coming to visit me later this month. She hasn't seen Petite since the baby was one month old! There's been a lot of changes since then! She'll see quite a difference, I'm sure. And my mom is coming back while my sis is here. It's cheaper for them to meet here than for either of them to visit the other. So I get the benefit of seeing them both. I look forward to it.

Baby... what now?!

Oh yes, before I forget... I'm so thrilled to report on the progress by a local IF friend. She went to McGill last year (on my recommendation re: cost) and while IVM didn't work for her, IVF has. She found out a couple of weeks ago that she was pregnant with twins! And moreso, last week at her 10w ultrasound, they saw a third heartbeat! Baby C was hiding behind Baby A, so they're hoping to welcome triplets. Having tried for seven years to have a child, they're hoping not to have to entertain the idea of reduction, but they're well aware of the problems carrying triplets can cause. So Journey, my thoughts and love are with you and E as you get through one day at a time. Hang in there honey! You CAN do this!

Petite's Development

She's found the cat toys. She can crawl to them in the blink of an eye. She's mastered sippy cups (when she wants to!) and she is a social butterfly, just like her great-grandmother. She's a wonderful eater and has discovered blueberry dessert! She hates to go to sleep and usually wakes up in full throttle scream, be it day or night, in my arms or in her crib, cool or warm weather, whatever. God knows why, but I wish that would change. And still not a tooth in her head!

And we have found a caregiver for her for the fall. A most wonderful woman who comes highly recommended and who even takes the time to fill out a daily report for the younger children re: what they do, what they eat, how long they sleep, etc. during the day. I will be taking Petite there during the summer now and then to let her get to know the caregiver, and vice versa. Hopefully that will minimize stress and separation anxiety in the fall. It's going to be a busy summer.

Love to you all in blogland! Until next time!

Easter, Birthday and Surgery

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. We did, although it was relatively quiet. Hubby's kids and our friends K&K came over to spend the day. And Petite was a sweetie in her Easter dress. She is so social; she made eyes at everyone and smiled at the entire congregation at church on Easter morning. What a cutie.



Last week, I had surgery to remove my gall bladder. As some of you know, I had my first attack while I was pregnant with Petite. Talk about scary! I was terrified I was going to miscarry. Luckily it was just gallstones but damn, they hurt like hell. After Petite was born, I had hoped it would all be over and done with. Nuh uh. My gall bladder had other ideas and after a meal of fish and chips at home over Christmas, I had a second (and third) attack. Bloodwork revealed I was sufficiently jaundiced. And two ultrasounds revealed multiple little stones. Surgery was indicated and on Tuesday past, it was done. Considering I rarely had attacks and never felt pain like others with gall bladder issues seem to indicate, I wonder how urgent it was for me to have it removed. Regardless, it's done.

Lemme tell you... even with Ativan, hot cloths on my forearms, Emla (numbing cream), and a plethora of other ways to help, it SUCKED BALLS trying to find my vein for the IV. I remember the gas going on my face and I frantically clawed for something, ANYTHING to hold onto while they tried to get a vein. I remember distinctly rising up off the table twice as they tried and mother of God, what a helluva bruise I have on my left forearm. Not cool at all. I still feel residual pain down to the wrist in the left forearm. I hope that disappears soon. And I have four incision points. It's a total bitch not being able to bend over well, and it's terrible that I can't pick up Petite! Seriously. They told me after surgery "Don't lift anything over 10 lbs for 6 weeks." They're kidding right? They do know I'm the mom of an almost eight-month old baby girl? Maybe, just MAYBE they could have told me that BEFORE THE DAMN SURGERY!? Christ. Incompetence at its best. Never would I have imagined that sort of indication for that length of time. Tell me they're exaggerating... PLEASE.

Petite can tell that I'm totally out of sorts too. She's always looking for me or trying to get in my arms. And I hate not being able to take her. My mom and aunt are doing a marvelous job with her of course, but how do you explain to an infant that mommy hurts right now and can't pick you up? It just doesn't work. And it sucks. Hard.

Also last week, we celebrated my husband's 42nd birthday. How opportune that his MP3 player decided to quit working a few days before that, thus providing me with the perfect idea for a gift. Unfortunately, his birthday was two days after my surgery, so we couldn't do much on the exact day itself. However, Petite did give her daddy a birthday card.

And as mentioned, Mom and one of my aunts are visiting. They have been here about 10 days now. Next Thursday, two more of my aunts will arrive as well. I know they will see many changes in Petite. She's no longer the immobile little infant she was when they saw her last, that's for sure.

Petite is seven and a half months old. She's active and very happy during the day, but night time is completely different. She fusses and fumes and she doesn't sleep well at all. Some nights she is up 4 or 5 times, while others, she's only up once. It's the luck of the draw with her. So there are good days and bad days for mommy and daddy!

She still doesn't have any teeth. My mom laughed and said we'll get her fitted for dentures this week! Seriously though, not a tooth in her head, although there are some days when we suspect teething pain. So she's still eating cereals, pureed veggies, yogourt, some pureed fruits (although she doesn't like fruit much). She got a taste of ice cream at Easter and she loved that! She's still taking medicine for reflux; when we forget a dose, it's usually very noticeable in her demeanor.

She loves taking a bath and swimming; I'm hoping she'll be a water baby like my sister and I were. She adores outings. As I mentioned, she's a social butterfly. She smiles at everyone and goodness, doesn't a smiling baby bring out all sorts of comments from the general public?! She's a cutie, that's for sure. Her smile looks just like mine; I get a giggle when I see it and her whole face lights up. It's gorgeous.

Right now, I'm sort of investigating daycare options. I need to put some money aside for that (man, it's costly in this province!) and I have to figure out exactly what I need to ask people when I'm looking for daycare. If you have thoughts on that, I'm listening.

Best wishes to all. Hope everyone is well.