23 Weeks. This Is Starting To Sink In.

An update of sorts, because I've been semi-absent of late. Life has just been extremely busy and I'm so tired by the end of the day, I can barely think, let alone sit down to write a coherent post! I'm such a bad blogger. Shame on me!

My parents arrive this evening at about 7 p.m. to spend a week with us. Hubby and I are REALLY looking forward to their visit; it's been awhile since my folks have visited at the same time. Anyway, in preparation for their arrival, we've been working like dogs to get the house "up to snuff" in some sort of decent order. We've done everything from pressure-wash the front of the house, to clean the minivan, to washing walls and curtains. I tell you, my house has never been so clean! Now if I can just maintain it til August and Petit's arrival. Cause honestly, I don't wanna have to clean all that again when I'm in my last month! Eeek!

As of next week, all four of us are going to pile in the van and head down to see my sister and her husband in West Virginia. Along the way, we intend to stop in Watertown and Waterloo (upstate NY) to do some shopping. I confess, I'm hoping to pick up a few more pieces of clothing, but more to the point, I have a few items in particular I'm looking for in order to prepare for Petit's arrival. Things like a safety gate with a cutout for my cats to pass through to get to their litterbox. Or a particular diaper bag that has caught my eye and isn't available up here. Stuff like that.

We're going to celebrate my brother-in-law's graduation while we're in West Virginia. He is just finished his Bachelor of Nursing and if I'm not mistaken, just accepted a position with a Trauma unit at the hospital in the city near them. We're so thrilled for him! Additionally, he and my sister just bought a new house and moved in on Saturday past. So the four of us will be their first houseguests. I hope they're ready! As well, we get to celebrate Mother's Day with our own mom and my BIL's mom. That'll be nice. I know how that particular day is reviled by infertiles but it's never been extremely hard for me. I think that's because I focus on my own mom and how wonderful she is and what an influence she's been in our lives.

My sis hopes to have a little gathering (aka "baby shower") for me as well. Nothing huge, just with the family on Mother's Day as well. It's not needed of course but I did miss her terribly while I was at home a few weeks ago and when Mom held a shower for me there. No, more to the point, I'm REALLY looking forward to shopping with my mom and my sister for Petit. That'll be amazing. It's my one and only chance to do that too because the next time I see my sister, Petit will (hopefully!) made his or her début.

After our time in West Virginia, we say goodbye to my sis, my BIL and his family, and my own parents and hubby and I head east for Virginia. We'll be just south of DC, in Woodbridge, visiting my best friend and his family. We'll stick there for a few days and indulge in some fun with them before hubby and I head for home on the Victoria Day weekend. So it's going to be a busy few weeks.

I have another ultrasound and doctor's appointment on Friday, May 1. This time, I extended to Mom the invitation to go with me so she can see Petit up close and in person. I hope she chooses to come. Ultrasounds are something she's never had the pleasure of experiencing while pregnant and it would be amazing to let her see the baby and hear the heartbeat live, so to speak. I think she'd enjoy it. Besides, I would like someone to come with me to the appointment and hubby can't make it this time around.

You see, hubby is finishing up his current contract and his last day of work will be Tuesday, May 5. He's continuing to look for other employement, but there isn't much out there. I expect that he'll resort to collecting Employment Insurance for awhile but with luck, something will come up soon. In the meantime, he passed the RPAT (RCMP Police Aptitude Test) and is now in the process of filling out the recruitment forms. Between the polygraph stuff, the physical tests, the vision tests, and the security clearance documents, he's got paperwork up the wazoo! He's excited beyond belief and I'm thrilled for him! Hopefully he can clear the next set of hurdles. I've got my fingers crossed for you honey!

I'm sitting at 23 weeks today. Tomorrow is our last prenatal class. My tummy continues to expand but at my last appointment, I'd only gained a total of 4 pounds. So I'm really pleased. Of course, given that I had a lot of weight to work with to begin, I'm likely right on track. Next week I go for the fasting glucose testing to check sugar levels. I guess gorging myself on gummy bears isn't the way to go then huh? Damn. And here I've been balancing out the gummy bears and Wen.dy's Frosties with the salt and vinegar chips!
Kidding! Kidding!
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...
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Mostly. :)

Our very own Stirrup Queen's book is on the bookshelves. I hope to pick up a copy in my travels south of the 49th parallel. If you haven't already, go check it out. Navigating in the Land of IF is a must-have for those of us in this boat. Pick up your copy in a local store or online today! And congrats Mel on the publication. Job well done! *claps and cheers*

Another Event: Baby Steps

As a follow-up to my last post advertisting the Pram Push of 2009 as organized by Conceivable Dreams, I recently heard about the Ottawa event, scheduled to take place on May 23, 2009.

This event is organized by Dr. Vause of the Ottawa Infertility Centre and on the 23rd, from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m., there will be a walk to increase fertility awareness. I am going to do my darndest to get to this one! For sure!

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Baby Steps

A Walk to increase infertility awareness, one step at a time.
Saturday, May 23rd, 2009, 9 a.m. to 12 p.m.
Starting at the Ottawa Fertility Centre (955 Green Valley Crescent)

Register by mail:
Ottawa Fertility Centre
955 Green Valley Crescent
Ottawa, ON
K2C 3V4

Register by fax:
613-225-9736

Register in person:
May 23rd at the walk site from 9 a.m. to 10 a.m.
(Please visit www.conceive.ca to download registration form [PDF])

There is no registration fee, but donations will be accepted on behalf of the Infertility Awareness Association of Canada (IAAC).

For more information please call Dr. Vause at 613-686-3378.

Wear your pink or blue t-shirt to show your support!

Conceivable Dreams

To my readers who might be Canadian, and/or any who happen to be in or near the Toronto area for Mother's Day on Sunday, May 10, 2009, this is an event that I believe would be of great benefit.

At 10 a.m. on Mother's Day, the group Conceivable Dreams (the Ontario Health Insurance Plan for IVF Coalition) is holding a march and rally to raise awareness about infertility in Ontario. The event is called "Pram Push for IVF Funding" and makes for a great lead-in event to kick off Canadian Infertilty Awareness Week. They'll be marching from Nathan Phillips Square (Toronto City Hall) to Queen's Park and there they'll hold a rally and hear guest speakers.

If I weren't going to be in West Virginia at that time, I'd be making the drive to Toronto specifically to join with them... pregnant or not. This issue deserves attention by the Ontario and Canadian governments and I would imagine that with enough support, it would personalize the issue of infertility for a number of people who might be watching the event unfold.

I encourage you to peek at their website: http://www.conceivabledreams.org/. You can sign up for the march and rally on the website. They have a Facebook group too apparently. Or maybe you can post the link to the printable PDF on your own blog (http://www.conceivabledreams.org/cd/prampush2009.pdf). Anything to help!

I contacted one of the organizers, Kerri Stanford (info@conceivabledreams.org) and she said, "Please publicize our event as much as you would like. You can link the website, facebook event, our poster or anything that you would like. [...] Please have your blogger friends pass along the information to anyone who they feel would be interested in attending. Please feel free to use all your connections to help us!" She also said if anyone has questions or concerns, or needs further information to get in touch with her via the e-mail address above.

So I implore you, join in if you can. And thank you in advance. From all of the infertiles in Ontario, thank you for your help! Thank you! THANK YOU!!!! *hugs*

Pics for Your Viewing Pleasure

Shower (Saturday, April 4. 2009)

The cake; thanks Sis!

A friend gave me a lovely book to record my memories of the entire journey.

The first of many cute outfits that I foresee!

A snazzy handmade snowsuit for next year! And all with VELCRO! So easy to put the baby in and just wrap and go!

Pooh outfits and a bear! I see a theme here...

The quilt that Aunt B (pictured with me) made. All hand embroidered. It's going on the wall; it's far too beautiful to be covered in baby poo!
















20-week scans (Thursday, April 9, 2009)

Head and belly













Legs and toes! So what do you think... is Petit going to be dressed in pink or blue? Taking your opinions!

20 Week Scan

In about one hour I leave for the doc's for the 20 week morphology/anatomy scan. Yes, I know much of that was done a few weeks ago with the amnio, but hey, any opportunity to see Petit is good by me at this point! I'll take it.

After the ultrasound, I have an OB appointment as well and I have a few questions and issues that I want to bring up with them. I want to discuss alternatives to the OGTT crap test that I'm supposed to do in a few weeks. I want to indicate that I was less than impressed with the way I was told that my IPS came back "Positive for Down Syndrome." I want to let them know it's time for me to start meeting the other eight doctors at the practice, cause I ain't gonna let just anyone deliver Petit! Whoever is on shift when Petit is set to be delivered better take the time to shake my hand and stop for a few minutes to say hello first! And yet again, I'm going to insist that they take my blood pressure twice; once at the beginning of the appointment and once at the end. At the moment, I guarantee my blood pressure will be high. Depending on what they say during this appointment, it may go higher or lower!! We'll see.

I had a lovely vacation back home in Newfoundland for a week. It was perfect. Okay, perfect except for the weather; we had the traditional rain, drizzle and fog for much of the week. But whaddya expect in April folks?! Anyway, I got to see family and friends. We had a chance to talk about what my family would like to do in August when Petit is due and when they would like to come to Ontario to see the new addition. We had family all around the table for dinner most evenings. My aunt hemmed a pair of my new maternity pants and offered to make new curtains for Petit's room. And I asked her to make me a moby wrap to; that's a piece of cake for her though.

One piece of difficult news while I was home; my uncle has been diagnosed with kidney cancer and at the moment, surgery is scheduled for May. We can only hope that everything goes well. It bowled us all over I think; it was totally unexpected and was diagnosed after he saw the doctor the other day because of a prolonged bad back. An MRI found the tumor and the outlook is very good. So we keep our fingers crossed in the hopes that this turns out for the best possible result.

Yes, I know I've yet to show you pics of the lovely items from the shower my mom held for me last weekend. I promise I'll do that later. You'll all get a grand kick out of the cake! I promise! Kudos to my sis for having thought of what to write on it!

And I'm happy for Max and Vee! Vee is my due date buddy and they just found out that Doudou is a boy! I'm sure they're thrilled! Congrats to them both on such wonderful news.

Petit's Shower!

A quick update:

I'm at home visiting my family and loving every moment of it. I was thrilled yesterday to go to my regular hairdresser and finally get a decent cut (thank you Cathy!) and then off we went to have a 'feed' of proper fish and chips, and I personally topped that off with a slice of partridgeberry tart that my aunt made. I LOVE being at home with my family, but I do miss hubby very much. I wish he could have come but right now, we both understand that it's not really feasible.

Anyway, today is the day that Petit gets showered! I'm nervous about that, yanno, being infertile and all. But it's the only chance we'll get to get together as a family and with good friends from home to just enjoy the time together and as my mom says, "It isn't about the gifts. It's about being happy for Gil and her hubby, and celebrating this with her!"

I'll post more details later. For now, I look forward to tonight. Wish me luck!

Thoughts go out to...
Mary and Marc (about whom I made the previous post). Three days after Mary left that lovely card in my mailbox, she and Marc lost their beautiful Newfoundland dog, Hugger. My condolences to them. I know Hugger was a wonderful companion and truly a member of the family. He will be sorely missed.

Inspiration

Imagine my surprise this morning when I reached out to grab the morning newspaper, to find an envelope with my name on it in my mailbox as well. I was perplexed; who would drop a card in my mailbox? A friend? A neighbor? There was no stamp or address, just my first name on the envelope.

I brought the newspaper in and laid it down before turning the card over and opening it. I pulled out a pretty card with a lovely print of a painting on the cover. I opened it. And as I read the words therein, tears came to my eyes and my throat had a distinctive lump in it.

The card was indeed from my neighbor, Mary, who lives across the street. She’s a sweet friend and she’s been pulling for us for a long time… both her and her husband Marc. Once in awhile they comment here. Anyway, with Mary’s permission, this is what she wrote:

Hi Gil,
I know you’ve been having such a roller coaster time but at least you are now on the ride. I know some of those upcoming drop offs may seem scary but try to just take a deep breath and go with it. Try hard to live in the now and not what might happen. There is at least one constant. You are a very special person who has touched so many lives and made everyone’s life that you have touched that much better. No matter what happens, enjoy today. Give yourself permission to be happy and content. Stop! Be still! Just “BE”.
If you ever need anything, even just a shoulder or a hug, I’m just across the street.
Mary

Bless you Mary my dear. You made me cry and I am so grateful to have you and your husband in my life as both neighbors and friends. We all need friends like you and I thank heaven that I’ve got some of the best friends around.

I Gave In

Yesterday I gave in.

At 17 weeks 5 days, I finally bought a few items of maternity clothing.

I popped out to Motherhood Maternity at a local shopping centre and picked up a pair of simple black pants (boot cut) and two summery blouses, one a lovely green that makes my reddish hair colour pop, and the other a pretty cream, olive and peach flowery thing with a bit of lace around the hem and neckline that I fell in love with. Today, for the first time, I wore maternity clothing (the pants) to work, and not just my regular clothing with the tummy sleeve (aka bella band) that I've been making do with until now.

Can you spell "relief" boys and girls? I knew you could!

Honest to heaven, I was so much more comfortable today! I feel like in the last week or two my belly has expanded to incredible proportions and it's become a point of absolute necessity to look for other clothing. Some of my regular shirts are still okay of course, especially those with empire waists and the like. However a few pairs of pants cannot come close to closing around my belly. They fit great in the legs and the ass, but around the tummy? No way! It's downright painful to even try! Frankly, It's starting to get blatantly obvious that I'm "in the family way!" I went back today and picked up an orange coloured T-shirt for summer and a pair of brown pants that will be great when warmer weather hits.

On Wednesday, we have the first of six prenatal classes. I'm still thinking it's way too soon to do anything like that but apparently they advise that you at least start them around your 18th week, and I hit that mark tomorrow. So we'll give it a shot. I still feel like an imposter though. Does that feeling ever go away when you're infertile? I dunno. It's still hard to relax though and enjoy this.

However, that was the exact advice I got from my local RE today. He called bright and early this morning to let us know that he had just received the faxed RAD results and that everything looked perfect. He was genuinely happy for us; I could hear it in his voice. This is the same man who did all our IUIs and who's seen us through 5+ years of TTC. "Gil, you can relax. I promise. It was a pure false positive. The tests on the pertinent chromosomes (aka 13, 18 and 21) are all normal. Try to enjoy this." I countered with, "If the RAD results came back negative, is there ANY POSSIBLE way that the full results that we get in 2 weeks or so could show something different?" He said, "No. Because you already tested negative for spina bifida and neural tube defects, that's been ruled out. And now we've ruled out Down syndrome. So you can truly relax. Please. Try to enjoy this. You've both worked so hard for it and come so far; you need to enjoy this."

He's right. It's long past time I enjoy this.

I think I'm going to put together the nursery furniture this week.

Oh yeah... and how appropriate that hubby and I took Petit to his/her first concert! Great Big Sea played here on Saturday night and we had an absolute blast! The baby Newf likes Newfie music too; I felt a kick or two during some of the most rollicking songs! WOOT!

RAD Results Are In...

Time: approximately 12:30 p.m. My phone at work rings. Before I pick it up, I see it's the children's hospital calling, and likely it's the genetics counsellor. I take a deep breath.

"(department name), this is Gil, bonjour?"
"Hello Gil? This is C from genetics counselling. How are you today?"
I take a deep breath, "I really don't know. You tell me. How am I today?"
"According to what I have in my hand, you're doing just fine." Magical words, if ever I'd heard them.
"Really? Everything is...?"
"Well, can you talk for a moment?"
"Yes, I can. You have the results a little early?"
"Yes, I have your RAD results here and everything is fantastic. Normal sets of chromosomes, and everything looks wonderful. No extra chromosomes, no partials or other immediately visible issues. And chromosomes 13, 18, and 21 look completely normal."
Cue the huge exhaling on my end and a tear or two as I break into a broad smile.
"And what about the sex chromosomes? Normal as well?" I asked.
"Yes, a perfect set of sex chromosomes. You don't want to know the sex, right?"
"No, we don't want to know unless there's a problem and we need to know. So you know the sex then?" I inquired.
"Yes, I have it right here. You're sure?"
"Positive. Thank you. We want it to be a surprise."
"Well, everything is great. I don't expect that you'll need to hear from me again. Of course, the full karotyping results will be available to Dr. B in 2-3 weeks. He'll be in touch then."
"Okay. Fantastic. Is there anything else I need to know?" I asked.
"No, nothing from me. If you need me, you have my card. Good luck. Get some rest and take care of yourself. All is great."
"Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it."

And now we can breathe a little easier.

Patti, you're absolutely right. I -did- get pregnant on our first IVF. We didn't have to use donor sperm after all. And I should learn not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Thanks for the swift kick in the pants; I think I needed it.

And thank you all for the good wishes and thoughts. It means the world to me and hubby to know that you're out there pulling for us.

Amniocentesis

Yesterday morning at 10:30 I went in for my amniocentesis appointment. And generally, the appointment and procedure went quite well.

I, however, was a total mess.

I have rarely been so afraid in my life. I trembled as I changed into my hospital gown. I wiped tears as I walked into the room and stared at the bed. I was not pleased to hear that the hospital wouldn’t permit us to record anything, nor take photos of what we saw on the monitor. I made it quite clear that I wasn’t happy and their ‘policy’ was a load of bunk. In my hospital gown, I stood at the end of the bed while the ultrasound tech shoved a consent form under my nose and I told her no, I wasn’t going to sign it until I spoke to the doctor doing the amnio. She was obviously pissed and said, “So you don’t want the amnio?” I replied, “Yes, I have to have it” (knowing in my own mind that I had to go through with it, for myself) and she tossed it aside and just looked at me.

I broke down. With my hands on that bed, I said, “I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to lie down here and get up without a live baby in me.” I was afraid that something had happened to Petit since we’ve last seen an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat. I was terrified that the measurements would be off. I was scared about the needle for the amnio. I shook at the prospect that the needle would hit Petit and do serious damage. I was nothing short of frozen by fear at the thought that the amnio itself would cause a miscarriage. And of course, I trembled at the thought that the tests come out positive. One thing after another all rolled together in my head and I just wept. Big, fat, emotional tears. I think I wept for most of the appointment actually. Either I wept or I held my breath, alternately.

Once we explained some of our fears, our journey and our issues to the ultrasound tech, she SORTA understood. She reassured me, saying, “Okay then. It’s okay. Just lie down then and we’ll take a look at the baby first. One step at a time.” It was all I could do to get on that table. But I needed to see Petit and know.

And my fears were unfounded. Petit is doing well. Heartbeat of 140, moving limbs and twisting now and then for us. The tech took measurements of femurs, arms, head circumference, all sorts of details. And according to her, everything is on track. Petit is doing just fine. I spend every day in fear that something will happen in utero and the DBT just invade my head. How do I get them to go away? How do you banish DBT from your brain? I know all this stress and angst can’t be good for Petit, but what do you DO to make it go away? What do you DO to help yourself get over that? I fear I won’t be able to enjoy one minute of this pregnancy at all. And that sucks because it’s the only pregnancy I’ll likely ever have at all.

Anyway, the ultrasound was finished and we got one picture of Petit that I held onto for the rest of the appointment. As I said, I can’t be sure that it won’t be my last, so I needed that security blanket.

The doctor came in and sought to reassure my fears. I asked about miscarriage rates. I asked about false positives. I asked about the procedure itself and explained my fear of needles, miscarriage, positives and all the rest. He was good. Calm and understanding. He isn’t just a regular OB, he specializes in amniocenteses and that morning, I was the third one he had on his schedule. He does them every Monday to Thursday morning, usually 4 per day. Yesterday they only had 3 scheduled because the woman before me has twins; double the time for the procedure.

So I signed the form and lay back, weeping. The doc slathered my belly with iodine, and then covered my tummy with the necessary drapes. He walked me through every moment. Hubby held my hand all the way (I think he’s lucky that I didn’t break a finger). They pinpointed a spot near the placenta, away from Petit and the ultrasound tech held the probe in place. Of course I couldn’t look at the needle, but I kept my eyes firmly on Petit and the monitor. The needle went in easily enough, with just a pinch or two and some pressure. They went through my abdomen, into the uterus and through the placenta (as apparently that reduces any fluid leakage or possibility of spotting later) into the amniotic fluid. I saw the needle on the monitor and it never even came close to Petit. The doc said I had quite enough fluid to work with and they started pulling out the required amount. Petit was in no danger at all from the needle or lack of fluid from what I could see. And when they had all the fluid they needed, the doc pulled the needle quickly. THAT hurt like a mother!!! Jesus. I almost rose off the table!! Not cool.

The amniotic fluid was completely clear and it’s very light yellow in colour. There was no cross-transference with my own blood so hopefully that bodes well for the Rapid Aneuploidy Detection (RAD) testing that ought to be done this week. We might even get those results by Friday… we hope. After the needle was withdrawn, the ultrasound tech looked at Petit again, and checked the heart rate. All was completely normal and we were free to go. They handed me a washcloth to wipe the iodine and gel from my belly, so that I wouldn’t stain my clothing. Hubby helped me up and made sure I got all the iodine off before I got dressed.

For the rest of the day, I was told that I had to take it easy; no spring cleaning apparently! And for the next week, no heavy lifting, no straining, no sex (!!) and watch for spotting, leakage of amniotic fluid, a fever or severe cramping. No flying in the week post-amnio either; I’m glad my flight isn’t til April 3. We went home, stopping on the way to pick up a couple of movies to watch. Hubby went out for a DQ Blizzard for me and I took a nap before watching the movies and just kicking back at home. I was completely lazy but after the stress of the last four or five days, it was sorely needed.

And now we wait. Hopefully Friday we’ll get the RAD results and then before I go home, we ought to have the full details of the amnio culture. More stress for me. Until I get these results, I live in fear of “What if?” But as one of my blogging friends said to me, it’s important that I give Petit the benefit of the doubt right now and not to prejudge fate. Petit is REAL and deserves the best chance that we can give her/him. And that means, trying to breathe a little easier. I need to reason with myself (somehow!) and just take things one step at a time, and cross the bridges as we come to them.

I’m just tired of bridges and obstacles though. I want and NEED something to go right. For a change.

For your viewing pleasure, this is the picture of Petit that we obtained at yesterday’s appointment.