The Celebratory Society

When I was interviewed by The Globe and Mail two years ago for a piece about blogging and infertility, I was asked why a blog? Why did I feel the need to 'let it all hang out' so to speak? And my answer then was the same as it is today: I started this blog for me. I needed a place to record my thoughts and feelings, our process, the tests, medications, tears, pain, etc. that we all deal with when we first venture into the vast land of infertility. I said it then and I'll say it again, "If I get readers, great! If not, well, that's okay too. I just need to do this for me."

Little did I know that so many others were out there who could relate to me. Who wanted to read about our journey. Who could possibly learn something from what we were going through. And who might discover that infertility isn't as taboo as our society seems to try to make it.

Little did I know that so many of you would follow along and cry with us at our failures and cheer with us when Petite was born last August.

Little did I know that so many of you would also touch my soul.

Case in point, Max and Vee. I have become very close with Vee over the last couple of years. And Max's death is still so raw, so heart wrenching. I am still coming to terms with it myself and the tears still flow freely. For these two people and their love have touched me greatly and I count them among my friends, even though they live so far away.

So it is in the spirit of Festschrift that I open the floor to you. Mel, our dear Stirrup Queen has proposed The Celebratory Society to all of us as a way to celebrate the people in the blogosphere who have touched us in one way or another. As Mel says, she has no qualms about admitting how self-indulgent this is. And I have to agree! But there you have it. The floor is yours. Think of this as the most interesting delurking project you'll ever participate in. Tell me what my blog or actions mean to you. And then do the same on your own blog, add it to the master list and give me the chance to tell YOU what you have meant to me.

Contacting Vee

For those of you who got lost in the shuffle when Vee went password-protected, please e-mail me your own e-mail address and blog link. I will pass them all on to Vee and ensure that she is aware that you are thinking of her. Max's memorial will be on Friday morning in their hometown in Australia and as mentioned, donations in his memory should be made to the Rainbows for Kate Foundation. We love you Max, and we miss you more than words can say.

Alex's Passing (with addendum)

Today, my heart aches. For today, Alex (aka Max) has passed.

I "met" Alex years ago, when I started looking around on the Internet for information about trying to conceive when you have no sperm to work with! There were very few blogs then, and even fewer written from the male point of view, but somehow, I found Max's blog, Dynamo Dad (currently inactive). He talked about having Azoospermia and wanting to have a child with his wife, Vee. And in his words, I found comfort. I read about his journey for awhile before I started reading Vee's blog, The Sweet Life (currently password protected). And then, after more time had passed, I began writing this blog. And I got to know Alex and Vee, and came to share in their story.

Vee and Alex had begun TTC in November 2005 with their first IUI. And as we all know, the journey goes on and on. But for Vee and Alex, there was a helluva bump in the road; Alex was diagnosed with cancer in February 2008. He was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer, Leiomyosarcoma. It did not respond to treatment... at least, not well enough. And so they wondered if they ought to continue their journey to build a family.

The decision was made to do so, and as luck would have it, Vee and I cycled at the same time in November/December 2008. We both got VERY lucky and got BFPs. Our due date was the same, August 25, 2009. Vee and I took comfort that there was someone going through exactly what the other was going through at the exact same time. We have gone through our pregnancies together. We sent each other gifts and cards. We e-mailed each other for support and with questions. I sent them a "hope" care package at one point, simply because I was thinking of them and praying for them. We kept up to date with each other's birth story for the babies when that happened last August, and since then, we have watched our children hit milestones together. Their little boy Doudou is so beautiful; there's too much cuteness to behold! I get to see the wonderful photos that Vee uploads to Facebook and I get to smile at the family that they have built together.

And yet, all along, the cancer continued to ravage Alex's body.

There was doubt that Alex would be alive to greet their baby. And when he was able to be there, I rejoiced for them.

They wondered if Alex would be able to share the baby's first Christmas. And when he was able to be there, we rejoiced.

They hoped Alex would be there to celebrate the new year and the changing of the seasons. And he has been there. And we rejoiced.

They wished for Alex to be there to celebrate their first Easter, and when he was, we rejoiced.

And all along the cancer continued to wreak havoc on Alex's fragile body.

Over the last few months, Vee and Alex discussed Alex's final wishes. A little while ago, they had to modify their home to accommodate Alex's needs. Vee reached out to her friends to help her at home, for Alex could no longer be left alone. And Vee wept with grief, knowing that there was no coming out of this. And we all wept alongside her for the downturn was evident.

And yesterday, Alex took a turn for the worse and Vee watched him gasp for every breath. And we cried alongside them. Vee asked that he not be afraid. And my heart broke for her and their family and for their little boy.

Today, I have just learned that Alex has passed. The tears roll down my cheeks for I wish their little boy could grow up knowing his daddy. I wish Vee didn't have to say goodbye to her husband. As she says, they were meant to grow old together. I cannot fathom the grief they feel today. I wish things were different. I wish for so much... and yet, none of it will come true.

So instead, I wish for peace. I know that Alex feels no more pain. I know that one day, he will see Vee and their little boy again. I wish Vee comfort, in knowing that we all share her grief and we support her. I wish them love. I hope that the memories of her beautiful Alex will live on. I know that their baby boy will hear about how very much his daddy loved him.

And still I shed tears, for life has not dealt them a fair hand. They deserved more than this. We all do.

Grief marks us today, but it will not mark us forever. We shall move on and rejoice in the fact that we knew Alex at all. And one day, when Petite gets to meet their little boy, and I get to hug Vee in person (I will make that happen), I will raise a glass with her in Alex's name. For he is a wonderful man, a strong man, a beautiful person, a doting father and loving husband.

Alex, may you rest in peace and may God hold you in the palm of his hand until one day, your family is with you again. Watch over them and keep them close, just as we pray for your safekeeping and peace. We love you Alex. God bless and Godspeed.

Addendum

Before his passing, Max asked Vee to convey that in lieu of flowers, donations should be made to the Rainbows For Kate Foundation in his memory. I will certainly be doing that myself, as obviously being in Canada, I cannot attend the memorial in Australia on Friday morning. But you can be certain that is exactly where my thoughts and my spirit will be...

Post By Topic

Follow the Headers to see what I'm blathering about this week...

What IF?

Many of you have heard of Resolve's current project, in conjunction with Mel's blog. "What IF" is something I'd like to touch on, but I'm going to do so during the upcoming Canadian Infertility Awareness Week (May 16-22). In the meantime, I did read the "What IF" list on Mel's blog. I took about an hour to get through it and by the time I was done, I was in tears. It's emotionally raw and so many of those What IFs touch on my own experiences with infertility. Go. Read. You will be glad that you did. My "What IF" post will be coming in the next week or so.

Baby By Stealth

Pam sent me the link to this article earlier this week. It discusses the surreptitious ways that Canadians are using to create families, because of the 2004 Assisted Human Reproduction Act. As a result, Fertility Law Leaves Us in Limbo, say doctors at infertility clinics. Until there is some sort of direction from government, you'll find a variety of procedures, protocols and responses from all of Canada's infertility clinics and each does things differently. Buyer beware, right?

Additionally, Red Flag Raised at Fertility Agency discusses the issues faced by the members of the Agency and the fact that their hands seem to be tied when it comes to legislation and seeming inability to move forward. Those who have left the Agency are under a gag order and cannot discuss particulars. There's something fishy about it all... More to come, I'm sure.

THE Day

This weekend it arrives. It's the first time I will mark the day in these shoes... as a mom of a little girl. To tell the absolute truth, I am apprehensive about it. I have spent so many years trying to push it out of my mind and wondering where I fit in, as a woman of child-bearing age, as a stepmom, as an "Aunt" to many of my friends' children, but yet, as an infertile. I love celebrating Mother's Day with my own mom (as I did last year) so I usually move the focus to her, and deservedly so. She's been a mom for almost 40 years now (more on that in a moment) and God knows, I'm thankful for her and for doing a helluva job raising me and my sister. But me? A MOM?? I still find it hard to believe most days. It's still sinking in. It may always be that way.

I find it hard to watch Mother's Day commercials, to see ads in the newspaper, to peruse the inevitable catalogues from jewelery stores that tout "Moms" and the baubles that they deserve. Are moms all that more deserving? I don't know about that. Yes, it's wonderful to be sitting on this side of the fence, and you, my longtime readers know just how grateful and blessed I am. But as a person, I'm no different than I was before I had Petite. Who is to say that because you have a child, you are thus admitted to "the club" and get the rights and privileges therein? I look at it through the eyes of an infertile, and I think I always will.

All women are deserving. Women who have had a child, women who have lost a child, women who have had a miscarriage, women who have been trying for a child, women who are sisters, daughters, aunts, friends, single... all of us. ALL OF US ARE DESERVING. So if you know a woman who isn't a mom per se (in the 'traditional' sense of the word), please make sure you consider her this Sunday. For she, like you and me, still deserves recognition, just for being the loving, caring soul that she is.

My Birthday / Mother's Day

My birthday falls about three weeks after Mother's Day. This year, I will be the dreaded 4-0. I'm really not looking forward to that. My head and my heart are stuck back in the 80s! I'm much younger than that, aren't I? Seriously?! At least, I feel like I'm in the 80s. When I look at the date on my calendar, it's a bit surreal! In any case, I have chosen to commemorate my first Mother's Day and my birthday by ordering a ring for myself. I chose a peridot ring with diamond accents. Peridot is Petite's birthstone and diamond is my husband's birthstone. I hope it's as nice as it looks online. If so, I'll take a pic and show you. It should be here in about two weeks.

Stupid 'Friends'

Okay, you've been warned. There's a rant incoming...

Sometimes I wonder about my so-called 'friends.' Honestly. The asinine statements (or lack of any statement altogether) is just astounding. A dim-witted friend blurted out her pregnancy to me the other day, after a few months of TTC for #2. She has done nothing but focus on her all-day sickness ever since. I could thwap her upside the head. Can I 'unfriend' her on Facebook? Might be a thought.

Actually, there are a few folks I probably ought to 'unfriend.' Like the friend who made sure I was invited to a shower, but not to any milestone events her child has had since. Or the friend who "promised(!)" that she'd come visit and meet Petite during her own year-long maternity leave... and I haven't heard from her since October. Or the friend who moved to a new home in the summer of last year, and hasn't called, e-mailed, or seen me since, despite protests that I "had to see her new place!" The friend who had a birthday in the fall, and whom I invited out for dinner... and who never responded to me first nor last. The friend who lived with us for ages, who was living in our home during the IF protocol, who moved to her own place and who hasn't yet made any effort whatsoever to meet our daughter. The friend who was very close to me for a few years, and who decided to stop communicating with me only to recommence communicating, yet didn't bother to even ask about my recent surgery or see if I was doing okay and with whom I've had minimal contact during the last month or so. Some friend huh? And many of these people don't even bother to send a freakin' Christmas card? Seriously, where the f*ck do I find them? Cripes. I dunno. Is it me? I've half a mind to tell them all where to get off! Can I do that and still call myself a decent person? Sometimes I wonder.

Upcoming Visits

My sister is coming to visit me later this month. She hasn't seen Petite since the baby was one month old! There's been a lot of changes since then! She'll see quite a difference, I'm sure. And my mom is coming back while my sis is here. It's cheaper for them to meet here than for either of them to visit the other. So I get the benefit of seeing them both. I look forward to it.

Baby... what now?!

Oh yes, before I forget... I'm so thrilled to report on the progress by a local IF friend. She went to McGill last year (on my recommendation re: cost) and while IVM didn't work for her, IVF has. She found out a couple of weeks ago that she was pregnant with twins! And moreso, last week at her 10w ultrasound, they saw a third heartbeat! Baby C was hiding behind Baby A, so they're hoping to welcome triplets. Having tried for seven years to have a child, they're hoping not to have to entertain the idea of reduction, but they're well aware of the problems carrying triplets can cause. So Journey, my thoughts and love are with you and E as you get through one day at a time. Hang in there honey! You CAN do this!

Petite's Development

She's found the cat toys. She can crawl to them in the blink of an eye. She's mastered sippy cups (when she wants to!) and she is a social butterfly, just like her great-grandmother. She's a wonderful eater and has discovered blueberry dessert! She hates to go to sleep and usually wakes up in full throttle scream, be it day or night, in my arms or in her crib, cool or warm weather, whatever. God knows why, but I wish that would change. And still not a tooth in her head!

And we have found a caregiver for her for the fall. A most wonderful woman who comes highly recommended and who even takes the time to fill out a daily report for the younger children re: what they do, what they eat, how long they sleep, etc. during the day. I will be taking Petite there during the summer now and then to let her get to know the caregiver, and vice versa. Hopefully that will minimize stress and separation anxiety in the fall. It's going to be a busy summer.

Love to you all in blogland! Until next time!

Easter, Birthday and Surgery

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. We did, although it was relatively quiet. Hubby's kids and our friends K&K came over to spend the day. And Petite was a sweetie in her Easter dress. She is so social; she made eyes at everyone and smiled at the entire congregation at church on Easter morning. What a cutie.



Last week, I had surgery to remove my gall bladder. As some of you know, I had my first attack while I was pregnant with Petite. Talk about scary! I was terrified I was going to miscarry. Luckily it was just gallstones but damn, they hurt like hell. After Petite was born, I had hoped it would all be over and done with. Nuh uh. My gall bladder had other ideas and after a meal of fish and chips at home over Christmas, I had a second (and third) attack. Bloodwork revealed I was sufficiently jaundiced. And two ultrasounds revealed multiple little stones. Surgery was indicated and on Tuesday past, it was done. Considering I rarely had attacks and never felt pain like others with gall bladder issues seem to indicate, I wonder how urgent it was for me to have it removed. Regardless, it's done.

Lemme tell you... even with Ativan, hot cloths on my forearms, Emla (numbing cream), and a plethora of other ways to help, it SUCKED BALLS trying to find my vein for the IV. I remember the gas going on my face and I frantically clawed for something, ANYTHING to hold onto while they tried to get a vein. I remember distinctly rising up off the table twice as they tried and mother of God, what a helluva bruise I have on my left forearm. Not cool at all. I still feel residual pain down to the wrist in the left forearm. I hope that disappears soon. And I have four incision points. It's a total bitch not being able to bend over well, and it's terrible that I can't pick up Petite! Seriously. They told me after surgery "Don't lift anything over 10 lbs for 6 weeks." They're kidding right? They do know I'm the mom of an almost eight-month old baby girl? Maybe, just MAYBE they could have told me that BEFORE THE DAMN SURGERY!? Christ. Incompetence at its best. Never would I have imagined that sort of indication for that length of time. Tell me they're exaggerating... PLEASE.

Petite can tell that I'm totally out of sorts too. She's always looking for me or trying to get in my arms. And I hate not being able to take her. My mom and aunt are doing a marvelous job with her of course, but how do you explain to an infant that mommy hurts right now and can't pick you up? It just doesn't work. And it sucks. Hard.

Also last week, we celebrated my husband's 42nd birthday. How opportune that his MP3 player decided to quit working a few days before that, thus providing me with the perfect idea for a gift. Unfortunately, his birthday was two days after my surgery, so we couldn't do much on the exact day itself. However, Petite did give her daddy a birthday card.

And as mentioned, Mom and one of my aunts are visiting. They have been here about 10 days now. Next Thursday, two more of my aunts will arrive as well. I know they will see many changes in Petite. She's no longer the immobile little infant she was when they saw her last, that's for sure.

Petite is seven and a half months old. She's active and very happy during the day, but night time is completely different. She fusses and fumes and she doesn't sleep well at all. Some nights she is up 4 or 5 times, while others, she's only up once. It's the luck of the draw with her. So there are good days and bad days for mommy and daddy!

She still doesn't have any teeth. My mom laughed and said we'll get her fitted for dentures this week! Seriously though, not a tooth in her head, although there are some days when we suspect teething pain. So she's still eating cereals, pureed veggies, yogourt, some pureed fruits (although she doesn't like fruit much). She got a taste of ice cream at Easter and she loved that! She's still taking medicine for reflux; when we forget a dose, it's usually very noticeable in her demeanor.

She loves taking a bath and swimming; I'm hoping she'll be a water baby like my sister and I were. She adores outings. As I mentioned, she's a social butterfly. She smiles at everyone and goodness, doesn't a smiling baby bring out all sorts of comments from the general public?! She's a cutie, that's for sure. Her smile looks just like mine; I get a giggle when I see it and her whole face lights up. It's gorgeous.

Right now, I'm sort of investigating daycare options. I need to put some money aside for that (man, it's costly in this province!) and I have to figure out exactly what I need to ask people when I'm looking for daycare. If you have thoughts on that, I'm listening.

Best wishes to all. Hope everyone is well.

Spring is in the Air

It's been too long since I posted and I apologize for that. There's a bunch of things going on right now and in general, I'm busy as a bee taking care of Petite; she's an active lil girl yanno! But here's the scoop on the goings-on in our house.

Petite is talking up a storm. I hear the "Mama" syllables in there frequently but I know she doesn't do it deliberately yet. I am looking forward to the moment when she does. She's sitting very well on her own, rolling all over the floor and scooting backwards. She's pretty much covered the area of our living room with no trouble, even though she doesn't move forwards or crawl. I have a feeling she's going to be one of those who jumps right to the walking stage; she's always begging to have us hold her up on her feet! She is constantly and forever moving, even when having a bottle. Her hands are continuously exploring our faces or her own and she loves to sit and rock back and forth on her bum. She's ALMOST able to pull herself from her back to a full sitting position. Heavens knows, she's certainly trying!

She's eating pretty well: she likes veggies (carrots, peas, squash), cereal (rice, oatmeal, rice + banana, mixed), and yogourt. Oh yeah, and she had a turkey and squash mix last week too. She isn't keen on fruits yet but I'm sure that'll come. I continue to expose her to them anyway. Like my sister (the dietician) told me: it takes an average of 15 times of trying before a child will try any given food. So maybe on the 15th try, she'll like that applesauce after all. And if she doesn't, no big deal.

Her nighttime routine is back to normal after the RSV had messed us up entirely. At 5:30 she eats dinner, by 6:30 she gets her bath (she loves the water), and around 7:30, after a story with me, she has a bottle and goes to bed. We'll feed her once more during the night, usually around midnight, and she goes back to bed til about 7:30 a.m., which isn't too bad at all.

The RSV was terrible. Petite was sick for a good two weeks but she did well in getting over it. Unfortunately, friends of ours have a little boy who is six months older than Petite and he went through it too and was hospitalized for a number of days. He's over it now, but I know his parents were pretty scared for a day or two. It isn't fun, that's for sure.

Petite finished her first series of swimming classes and I'll be enrolling her again in the same series. Here, for the Parent and Tot class, in order to move up from Level 1 to Level 2, a child must be at least 1 year old. So we'll keep practising at Level 1 to keep Petite familiar with a pool and be comfortable in the water and all that. Besides, it's a wonderful way to get me out of the house and doing an activity with her. And we definitely enjoy that.

That's been hard for me. Being unfamiliar with what is available for children in the city (or the province for that matter, having moved here when I was 26), and being an older mom (I'll be 40 in less than 2 months, OMG), I've found it hard to find others in my shoes. So I'm putting some efforts into finding out where to go and what to do with young infants in our area. I've found a few things, and I know there are more activities and groups out there. I'm still looking. After all, if Petite isn't exposed to other children, putting her in daycare at the end of August is going to be VERY difficult, for both her and me!

I've started looking for a daycare too. I'm putting out feelers but of course, word of mouth is frequently the best way to find someone reliable. And I just can't afford to pay $1200 a month, as some daycares ask. No, I'm looking more in the $600 to $750 range, so likely in a private home. I've found one that seems really good and I've been in contact with the caregiver already. An added bonus for that particular caregiver is that she is known to two of my friends (outside of caregiver circles) and very well-liked by both. We'll see.

For the moment, I'm busy with tidying things up and getting ready for my mom and my aunt to visit. They arrive in early April for three weeks. I asked them to come to take care of Petite for a bit, while I recover from gallbladder surgery. As some of you may remember, I never had an issue with my gallbladder until the pregnancy but I had a bad attack while pregnant with Petite. After Petite was born, I thought all would be well. Alas, a meal of greasy fish and chips at home in December promptly set off another attack or two and I ended up in Emergency at the hospital at home. End result: gallbladder ought to come out and I'm scheduled for surgery on April 13... assuming the MRI that I need first is a "go." And I need someone to take care of Petite while I recover. So they're coming to visit and spend time with her. Towards the end of their visit, my other two aunts will come join us as well. They all want to see Petite and spend as much time as they can with her. And I'm very lucky that they are all well enough to do so and WANT to do so. It'll be a zoo for a few days around my house, but it'll be worth it. And I know they'll enjoy their time with the baby as they always do.

This week, we have some activities to keep us busy and I'll be returning to the gym again. I went twice last week with some success; on one occasion, the staff had to come get me off the elliptical because Petite was really upset and they couldn't soothe her. But the more I go, the more she gets used to it and the better it is for me too. So we'll go again. Hubby has this Friday off, as it's Good Friday. The temperatures are supposed to be lovely by this weekend (in the low to mid-20s apparently) so we hope to get out for a walk in the sun with Petite. And of course, next weekend is Easter. So I'll sign off by wishing you and yours a very Happy Easter! May your baskets be filled with chocolate and goodness and may spring be sprung in your neck of the woods! Oh, except for my Aussie friends; I hope your fall is beautiful and picturesque.

Hugs to all in blogland. Til next time...

Quebec will fund IF treatments!

Today, there is some great news on the infertility front here in Canada. At least ONE province has stepped up to the plate...

Quebec to fund in vitro fertility treatments (link to the article on the CBC News site)

It's wonderful to see some movement by a provincial government on this issue. I know the Ontario government has begun their own studies and made recommendations to the same effect (I was interviewed by Ontario's Expert Panel for this process). And with some luck, the same funding will soon be available in Ontario. I can only hope.

Makes me wonder if I ought to hold out a bit, if we're going to try for a second child. Who knows, it may be funded after all...

On a personal note, I'm looking for two bloggers.

The first is Mick (previously from wannabedad.blogspot.com and more recently from irishpolishdad at wordpress). Both blogs are MIA and I've no e-mail address for Mick and his wife. I'd love to know how things are going and/or follow along with his story. If you know where to find Mick (or Mick, you're visiting my blog today!) jot me a note with your contact details please! You can find me at jiliana2 (at) gmail (dot) com.

The second is a dear blogger who said she would like a Refund On These Ovaries (refundontheseovaries.blogspot.com). The title of her blog had changed to Over My Ovaries and On With my Life and detailed her and her DH's efforts to pursue adoption in their state. I haven't been as diligent with commenting over there and now I've lost access! If you have her e-mail address, let me know so I can get in touch and request access.

Petite's RSV isn't as severe. She's still not 100% so a planned driving trip to WV and VA next week had to be cancelled. C'est la vie. One of many sacrifices for our daughter in the years to come.

Petite's First Cold; UPDATED

Petite has a cold. A full-blown, snotty, coughing, sore throat kinda cold. Courtesy of Hubby who brought the darn thing home sometime last week and graciously passed it to both Petite and me. (Can't you tell I'm thrilled?)

Anyway, I'm not so concerned about a run-of-the-mill cold. I mean seriously, everyone gets them and she was bound to get sick sometime in her first year of life. There's snot a-flyin, cranky feeding times (she just doesn't want to drink from a bottle at all, cause she can't breathe), fever (but that seems to have broken this morning), runny, watery eyes, and a cough.

It's the cough that worries me.

She's had it since Saturday. It's congested, mucousy, and she coughs so hard and long that it makes her vomit. She's miserable, poor baby girl. And this morning, she coughed for 20 minutes straight, and spent the next 10 minutes crying about it in my arms. We've tried warmth and humidity in the bathroom with a hot shower running, cooler mist with a humidifier in our bedroom where she sleeps, we've raised the head of her mattress, we've tried to pat her back to encourage her to spit out the gunk, everything. No go.

So this morning I called Tele.health and spoke to a nurse. After getting the details, she advised that I take Petite to see a doctor to make sure it's not something more serious like whooping cough, croup or pneumonia. I called our family doctor and explained the situation. Petite has an appointment in an hour and a half. It's probably nothing, but I want to make sure. Wish us luck.

UPDATE:
The doctor found the fever was back (mild, but still a fever) and said upon seeing her, "My, but you're not a healthy specimen are you little girl?" Nice huh? Yeah, Petite is miserable. The doctor diagnosed respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), which is very common in infants. But it can cause respiratory distress so we've got a handle o a couple of things that may help her. I have a history of asthma and bronchitis and I'm prone to pneumonia when a cold gets down in my chest and because of all that, the doc figured that an orange inhaler (with an infant aerochamber) may help her. She said we'd see a big difference within a day if it helps. If not, this could last a week or so and we're to keep a close eye on her breathing in case she needs to go to the hospital for oxygen treatments. Poor little girl. I gotta go give her something to drink/eat and try to get some fluids in her. It's going to be an interesting few days...

Happy Half Birthday Petite!

Today is February 27, 2010. Petite is exactly six months old today.


Where did that time go? Seriously, how did we get from there...

to here...?




Colour me grateful. Always.

Petite had a doctor's appointment earlier this week to check on the reflux. She still experiences it now and then, but it doesn't seem as severe as it was when she was younger. I guess she's getting better at getting rid of the gas and now that she's had some solid food, her tummy is able to keep the acids down.

The stats:
She's 15lbs 11oz, and 26" long. And yes, her eyes are still grey... exactly like my mom's. I expect they will stay that way now. I think it's beautiful on her.

She is sitting fairly well in the tripod position (with a wobble here and there). She transfers toys from one hand to another. She is making consonant sounds (ma, ba, pppp, those sorts of things), she scooches all around the floor backwards, and once or twice, has managed to inch forwards. She's starting to raise her hips and figure out the crawling position, though honestly, she much prefers to be up on her feet. Her legs are awfully strong; she just may walk before she ever crawls! She still has some eczema on her arms and legs and although we had tried a doctor-recommended over-the-counter cream, it wasn't working so we have a mild cream to treat it properly now. In three or four days, I already see a difference.

She has had rice cereal, oat cereal (she prefers the rice so far), butternut squash, carrots, peas (I made homemade peas the other night and she took to those really well), grapes and bananas (both in the baby feeder) and she launched herself at my plum the other day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZUMK_yM2zA

And her sleeping habits are improving. We are getting her to bed at approximately 7:30, we get her at midnight for a feed, and most nights she goes down again til about 7 a.m. A few nights, she's wanted to play in her crib at around 4 a.m. (!) but she's getting the hang of it. Let's hope it continues to go well.

For now, we celebrate her half-birthday! In a mere six more months, she'll be one year old. I can't believe it!

Of Dreamland and Dreams

We have a growing baby girl in our house, and it never ceases to amaze me. I continue to thank, the powers that be (and all the REs, testing, urologists, and you other IFers and friends, etc.) for such a blessing in our lives. Though I confess, not every day is full of "happy happy, joy joy," it is all definitely worth it.



One of the things that is making our days difficult (and our nights too really) is Petite's lack of a schedule. Yes my dear Internet friends, Petite STILL doesn't sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time on a regular basis. There's the odd night when she's down for 6 hours or so, but they're few and far between, making Mommy and Daddy very tired indeed. And really, by now, most babies are on some sort of a schedule, right? So I've taken matters in hand and we're starting a new routine. We tried it for the first time last night, and it worked relatively well.

The whole crux of our problem is this: Petite still doesn't drink more than 4.5 oz per feeding. She refuses to eat more and of course, you can't force children to eat (nor do I ever want to). So naturally, she wakes up partway through the night with an empty, growling belly, wanting to be fed. And we oblige her.

Last night, the schedule looked a bit like this:
5:45 p.m. cereal in her high chair, followed by playtime while Mommy and Daddy ate, etc.
6:45 bath time, put on jammies, quiet time, playtime on her playmat with quiet toys
7:30 storytime with Mommy (I'm a big believer in reading to children)
7:45 bottle & burp

Just before 8 p.m., she started to doze off in my arms and I put her down in her crib, sleepy yet still semi-awake. She hated that, lemme tell you! She woke and started to screech. I went to her every 5 minutes, talking lowly but not engaging her, putting her soother in her mouth, gently touching her tummy or her head, and letting her know I was there. She would settle, I'd creep out and before I was back to the kitchen, the howl would go out again. She kept that up for about 20 minutes (I went in three times, the last time I sat on the bed til I knew she was settled for good) and by 8:30, she was asleep. However, she only had 4.5 oz as usual. So I knew she would wake for food somewhere along the way.

To circumvent that, at 11:45, I prepared another bottle and gently lifted her out of her crib, and tried to feed her. She took about 2 oz before refusing any more and she turned into my arm, snuggling down again. I laid her back in bed, hoping to get through the rest of the night and I put the rest of the bottle in the fridge.

Alas... 1:45 a.m. and I heard her stirring. I got up before she was fully awake, grabbed the remainder of the bottle in the fridge (about 2.5 oz), heated it and fed her while she stayed in her crib. She polished it off, turned over and drifted back to the Land of Nod. And that was that. I climbed back into bed, happy to not need an hour or more to get her back to sleep.

This morning, she stirred once at 6:45 (when Hubby left for school), but she never really woke til 7:50 a.m. Fair enough. I can handle that I think. With time and practise, I expect she'll get the hang of it. But it was certainly a whole lot better than being up with her from 2 a.m. to 3:30 as she writhes in my arms! Until she takes more ounces during a feed, I don't expect it'll change all that much. But as long as she's growing and developping on track, I can't find fault with her eating habits at all!

By the way, so far she's enjoyed rice cereal, oatmeal cereal, butternut squash and a little pear juice (diluted). But she definitely prefers a bottle!

And this week, we celebrated Valentine's Day! Hubby and I traditionally don't plan anything special; for as sure as we do, it blows up in our faces and we've had some hella blow-up fights on Valentine's Day in the past! So we don't mark it with much. A card, a token gift, something little. Nothing major. I got a cute card, and some chocolates. I gave Hubby a card, some chocolates and some winter Olympic gear, including the famous red mittens that are so hard to find!

I happened to be in Zellers last week when they were getting some out on the racks and I snapped up a pair. In hindsight, I would have liked to have a pair for myself. Oh well. Nevermind. One thing that pisses me off about those mittens is that for all the Canadian Olympic pride that they're supposed to represent, the damn things are made in freakin' China! Don't get me wrong, I have lots of things in my house that are made in China but it'd be nice to support Canadians by buying Canadian... yanno? Oh well. They're still cool mittens. And Hubby's been stopped by stranges who ask about them and where he got them, etc. They're hard to come by now! So if you see them (in adult sizes; kids sizes are still easy to find), grab em! If nothing else, you can sell them on E-bay for about double the price!

Ah yes, a token pic of Petite in her Valentine's Day outfit from Nana. We had Hubby's kids for the weekend and her big brother was making her laugh!

And this week, one of my hopes has finally come to fruition. Pancake Day. With OUR baby girl. Here she is being a true Canadian, sucking on the syrup bottle (don't worry; the cover's on!).

Pancake Day traditions where I come from are very particular indeed. Yes, you have pancakes and all that good stuff. But you must follow the tradition of putting trinkets in the batter. I've written about this before, and I remember lamenting that I probably wouldn't ever have the opportunity to share our family's (or our provincial) tradition of putting trinkets in the batter with any child of mine. I vividly remember Mel (our resident Stirrup Queen) telling me in a comment how I may not be able to pass the tradition vertically, but that I had just passed the tradition horizontally by sharing it with you, my readers. A few of you wrote to let me know that you would commence that tradition in your own families as you thought it was lovely. I like to think that somewhere out there, someone is putting a ring, a thimble, a button, money, etc. in their pancake batter to partake in the tradition. And this year, I am blessed. Because I do have a baby girl who got to enjoy her very first Pancake Day with our family and our tradition. Fine, she didn't eat any pancakes herself... that'll come next year. But she saw Mommy and Daddy enjoy the tradition and with luck, one day, she'll carry it on, passing it vertically to her own family.

Am I Getting Greedy?

Welcome to February. And Petite is now five months old. I can hardly believe it. Where did that go? Nevertheless, time marches on and a few things have arisen to shake me up a bit.

Actually, the first thing that shook me up was the reappearance of dear ol' Aunt Flo. Oh yeah. She didn't waste a moment showing up on my doorstep in early January in fact. I stopped pumping milk for Petite near the end of November and let my milk dry up around about the time we travelled home for Christmas. Exactly one month later, on January 3, the carpet-bag-carrying, haggard, wrinkly old wench knocked on my door. Okay, she busted down the door and marched on in, making herself right at home after a long absence. Such fun.
NOT.
And just like clockwork, 29 days later, she reappeared again. Bless her bitchy soul. At least I'm regular; there's no denying that anyway!

When I returned home from our trip, I found a letter from the Reproductive Centre at McGill in my pile of letters to tend to. Lo and behold, I opened it to find a bill for the storage of our last vial of donor sperm. There arises the conundrum... to pay, or not to pay? Do we want to keep this vial of donor sperm for any possible future use? I mean, if perchance we decide to go for another IVF + ICSI attempt, and we cannot find any of hubby's viable sperm a second time around, we'll need that vial of donor sperm, right? Or would we opt not to go through with it? Or what if someone else needs that vial to make a full biological sibling for an existing child somewhere in the world? All the scenarios started running through my head.

And the one that comes to mind first is: do we want another child? Do I want to hedge my bets and attempt to give Petite a full sibling? At my age (I'll be 40 this year)? And if we want to do that, when do we do it? Soon I guess, given my age!!

Hubby and I took a drive yesterday to upstate NY to do some shopping and get a little something for my brother-in-law for his upcoming birthday. Along the way, we discussed our plans and where are thoughts are at the moment. Hubby is in school, and will (hopefully!) be finished at the end of April, 2012 and thus starting a new job/career in May, 2012. If we want another child, our timeline would look something like this:
July/August 2010 - try another IVF in the hopes of success
September 2010 - Gil goes back to work; Hubby in school; Petite in daycare
May/June 2011 - sibling for Petite? Gil takes another year off to care for both children
May/June 2012 - Gil goes back to work; Hubby starts career; Petite in junior kindergarten; sibling in daycare

And that, my dear friends, means that I'd need to call McGill now, like right now NOW to start trying to book appointments. But like the title of this post says, am I getting greedy? After 6+ years of TTC, we got lucky. VERY lucky. We know and recognize this and we are immensely grateful to everyone who has helped us, cheered for us, held our hands, and cried with us along the way. Are we getting greedy to want another child? Are we asking the powers that be for too much? Are we doing the wrong thing for our family or is it the right thing? How do we know? Can we know at all? These are some of the questions I'm grappling with at the moment. I'm open to hearing your opinions though. So by all means, hit the comment button and weigh in. I'm listening!

Rally
I got another e-mail from Conceivable Dreams the other day. On February 15 (Family Day... appropriately) there will be a Rally at Queen's Park in Toronto, Ontario to show the government just how many people are out there that are waiting and hoping for the government to help them build their families based on the recommendations of the Expert Panel on Infertility and Adoption. (If you recall, I was interviewed by the Panel for my input.) If you can attend, please do. Information can be found at www.conceivabledreams.org.

On a personal note...
Thank you all for the good wishes following the death of Snowpoke. We still miss him. But it does get easier, I know.

And before this month is done, we will have Shrove Tuesday (aka Pancake Day). I'm looking forward to sharing our tradition with Petite for the very first time.