(NOTE: children and p/g mentioned)
As I sit in limbo 'til December and our scheduled IVF, it seems I am always waiting for something. Right now, I'm on the verge of expecting dear 'ol AF, whom, as I have described before, is more of a haggard old, smelly, disheveled hag of a wench rather than the fun loving girlish woman of days-gone-by. So as I wait for AF, I plot out on my calendar the other things I am waiting for.
There are 20 days until hubby and I go to Montreal to sign off the consent forms for his aspiration and any other procedures that the urologist expects. In the meantime, I need to get that last vial of donor sperm shipped up to Montreal in case hubby's aspiration doesn't yield any viable sperm for our IVF.
We are 24 days away from heading down to Virginia to help MH look for a home for him and his family. Hubby and I will go there for the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend and have a bit of a change of scenery for the long weekend.
And then we have 48 days from today that we get to hop on a jet plane with my stepchildren and head for approximately two weeks of fun in the Florida sunshine. My stepkids haven't ever been to Florida so this will be an experience for them. At their ages (12, and one of them will turn 14 while we are in FLA) I expect it'll be lots of fun. We're already talking about the things we're going to do and how much time we'll spend at Disney and all that good stuff.
I could count down the days til the Canadian election... but oh dear God, do I have to? It's all bad enough that with a minority government we have to have these silly things more frequently than once every four years, but ugh. I have to say though, never in my wildest dreams would I ever vote for the sheister that is the current PM. *shudders* He's creepy. Make that "Creepy," with a capital "C". Yes, I do know who I am voting for, but I won't publicise that; that's for me to know. Suffice it to say, I respect everyone's choice to form their own opinions and as long as you VOTE, that is all I care about. We live in a great country, and we are honoured with the right to vote and the principle of democracy. People fought and died for you and me to have that right. So please vote on October 14. I urge you all to get out there and exercise that civic duty.
I had a follow up doctor's appointment this morning regarding the bloodwork that was drawn a few weeks ago. Good news! My TSH is 1.74!! I'm thrilled! As I told the doctor, the blue fingernails rarely happen now, I'm not as cold as I often was, I rarely get as run down as I used to be and I feel like my energy levels and mood are pretty much evened out. (As a note, the T4 Free is 13.4 and the Free T3 is 4.6... very stable.) So the thyroid stuff seems to be regulated and I am thrilled. This might help us have a real shot in December.
Hugs and kisses and best wishes to...
And last but not least, to my RL friends... M and M (about whom I have written in the past for their own struggles in IF), I am glad that I can finally SAY something, cause I've known for months now!! After a few good attempts with dIUI because of Klinefelter's syndrome, they finally got lucky. Last I heard, M's due date was set for February 15, 2009. It's true, I shed a few tears when I heard the news, but when I was done with the pity party, I tossed it out. Honestly, I have to say that I am nothing but thrilled for them both. And I thank M for the utmost sensitivity and caring nature with which she told me the joyous news. Love to them both as they travel this new path. Congratulations!
Have a great week guys. Updates later... when there's news to tell, I'll be telling it.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Losing My Way
I could really relate to Square Peg's question a couple of posts back. She asked "Do you ever feel like you're the last one?" Like you are the only one, who after years of TTC is still without success? You haven't had the "oops!" pregnancy, and you haven't struck gold with IVF twins, or found a little one to adopt? Yeah. That is how I feel these days, like I am the only one left. I know I'm not of course. I know that there are more of us out there. Logically, I know these things. But some days, it gets overwhelming and I think I can't go on any more. There are days, most days actually, when I wonder if I'm putting myself through all of this ache and grief for anything at all. Because in the end, I know darn well this saga will not end with my getting lucky and having a child. I am just going through the motions. I expect nothing from this and I truly do believe that when all is said and done, and our money paid, that my arms will still be empty. I feel like I'm just putting in the necessary time to get to that point, and maybe then I can move on. To what, I'm not sure yet. But at least it would be moving on.
Last week, I had yet another roadblock thrown in my way. Let's face it, this journey is full of them. Some are small, some are large. Some are insurmountable, or that is the way they seem. Sometimes all of the small ones add up and look insurmountable. That is how I feel right now. That there are hundreds of roadblocks and either I have to climb over them, go around them, move them, or give up and sit in front of them waiting for them to be taken away. Last week, I lost My Angel. For those of you who've kept up with the story, you know exactly who I am talking about. A recap for those who are new: I have a severe needle phobia and I finally found a phlebotomist who works wonders with my tiny, fragile, collapsing veins. I have nicknamed her My Angel. Anyway, the walk-in clinic where she usually works is undergoing renovations. And the lab that was located within that building closed; they've referred patients to another, different lab nearby. I went to the clinic to have blood drawn for a follow up thyroid check to ensure that my hypothyroidism is still being treated properly and that my levels are good. No lab. I just about freaked right there in the parking lot. I gathered my papers and went in to talk to the reception desk. "Where is the phlebotomist that was in the lab?" I asked. "The lab is closed. Go to blah blah blah..." I tuned out. "No no, you don't understand. I don't care WHICH lab she is at. I need to find HER. Where is she?" "Um... I don't know." That statement was accompanied by a blank stare and another receptionist who'd overheard chimed in, "Let me ask around for you. Maybe someone knows where she went." I was shaking by this time; if I couldn't find her, I'd have to start all over again with someone else. Not cool at all. The receptionist returned... with no good answer. I barely held it together til I got to my car. I spent the next three days, and I don't know how many hours on the telephone trying to find My Angel. I finally tracked her down. And when I walked into the clinic, she looked at me and said joyfully, "You found me!" I recounted my tale and she looked at me incredulously, "But I left my information with the clinic. They know where I am!" I gave her my business card this time and told her that if she EVER EVER moves again, please let me know! I will follow her to Toronto if I have to! No joke. Anyway, she managed to find a vein and got the one little vial she needed; the bruising started before I even walked out of there. It's never easy is it? And because of all this delay, I even had to reschedule the doc appointment to go over these bloodwork results because he simply wouldn't have had them in time. One roadblock after another. I did have a helping hand at the phlebotomist's though; my best friend MH (pictured with his wife in the previous post) was here visiting and he let me mangle his hand for a change. God love him.
I hate having no control. I hate being at the mercy of others. I hate that of all of the things in my life, of all of the quests I have pursued (degrees, travel, opportunity, career, marriage, social life, etc.) that this is the hardest quest of all and I can't do a thing to change the outcome only do as I'm told. I wonder when the time comes to wash my hands of the whole thing and walk away. Will I recognize it?
Have you walked away from something you have tried to do and simply not been able to achieve, no matter what your efforts? What did you walk away from and how did you know it was time to walk away?
Last week, I had yet another roadblock thrown in my way. Let's face it, this journey is full of them. Some are small, some are large. Some are insurmountable, or that is the way they seem. Sometimes all of the small ones add up and look insurmountable. That is how I feel right now. That there are hundreds of roadblocks and either I have to climb over them, go around them, move them, or give up and sit in front of them waiting for them to be taken away. Last week, I lost My Angel. For those of you who've kept up with the story, you know exactly who I am talking about. A recap for those who are new: I have a severe needle phobia and I finally found a phlebotomist who works wonders with my tiny, fragile, collapsing veins. I have nicknamed her My Angel. Anyway, the walk-in clinic where she usually works is undergoing renovations. And the lab that was located within that building closed; they've referred patients to another, different lab nearby. I went to the clinic to have blood drawn for a follow up thyroid check to ensure that my hypothyroidism is still being treated properly and that my levels are good. No lab. I just about freaked right there in the parking lot. I gathered my papers and went in to talk to the reception desk. "Where is the phlebotomist that was in the lab?" I asked. "The lab is closed. Go to blah blah blah..." I tuned out. "No no, you don't understand. I don't care WHICH lab she is at. I need to find HER. Where is she?" "Um... I don't know." That statement was accompanied by a blank stare and another receptionist who'd overheard chimed in, "Let me ask around for you. Maybe someone knows where she went." I was shaking by this time; if I couldn't find her, I'd have to start all over again with someone else. Not cool at all. The receptionist returned... with no good answer. I barely held it together til I got to my car. I spent the next three days, and I don't know how many hours on the telephone trying to find My Angel. I finally tracked her down. And when I walked into the clinic, she looked at me and said joyfully, "You found me!" I recounted my tale and she looked at me incredulously, "But I left my information with the clinic. They know where I am!" I gave her my business card this time and told her that if she EVER EVER moves again, please let me know! I will follow her to Toronto if I have to! No joke. Anyway, she managed to find a vein and got the one little vial she needed; the bruising started before I even walked out of there. It's never easy is it? And because of all this delay, I even had to reschedule the doc appointment to go over these bloodwork results because he simply wouldn't have had them in time. One roadblock after another. I did have a helping hand at the phlebotomist's though; my best friend MH (pictured with his wife in the previous post) was here visiting and he let me mangle his hand for a change. God love him.
I hate having no control. I hate being at the mercy of others. I hate that of all of the things in my life, of all of the quests I have pursued (degrees, travel, opportunity, career, marriage, social life, etc.) that this is the hardest quest of all and I can't do a thing to change the outcome only do as I'm told. I wonder when the time comes to wash my hands of the whole thing and walk away. Will I recognize it?
Have you walked away from something you have tried to do and simply not been able to achieve, no matter what your efforts? What did you walk away from and how did you know it was time to walk away?
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Pics to Tide You Over
Seeing as I am lolling on the couch today with the aches and cramps that accompany the (four-day early!) arrival of AF, I figured I'd post a pic or two from our trip to Vegas. Enjoy the stroll through our vacation.
Our hotel, The Luxor. We stayed on the 19th floor of the pyramid with my best friend (MH) and his wife (KC), in what's known as a spa/jacuzzi room.
Currently appearing at The Luxor are Criss Angel (you can see the banner on the front of the hotel) and the comedian Carrot Top. They're renovating inside thought to create a Titanic Exhibition and a Bodies Exhibition.
We went to the bar at the Hilton Hotel one evening. Quark's Bar is one of the Star Trek themed parts of the hotel. As of September 1 though, the Hilton will be closing it's 10-year old exhibition of Star Trek, The Experience. Many a fan is disappointed with the closure I'm sure. Anyway, here is me and KC enjoying a (mini) Warp Core Breach, complete with dry ice! YUM!
One night, we went to the Stratosphere Restaurant on the 108th floor. This is a revolving restaurant that gave us a spectacular view of Vegas at night. Simply amazing. The food is French cuisine though, so be prepared for that if you go!
Another evening, we headed via monorail to New York, New York hotel to take in Cirque du soleil's Zumanity. Very sensual and sexual; I thoroughly enjoyed the show.
We stopped by Caesar's Palace to have a look around as well.
I even got a pic of KC pointing out the "goods" on the gods! RAWR!
We went to the Excalibur Hotel and Casino to see The Tournament of Kings! It's a tradition for MH and KC to see the show when they go to Vegas. Last year, they brought us with them. This year, we made sure we went again! The Excalibur was located right next to our hotel, so it was easy to get there using the overhead walkways and indoor connection routes that are so well planned! Good thing too, the heat was excruciating!
We took one day and drove down to tour the Hoover Dam and the Lake Mead region of Nevada. It was really hot that day; up on the observation deck, it registered 46 degrees Celsius (115 F) and we were told not to touch the guard railing as it could burn bare skin. Being somewhat afraid of heights, I opted not to go close anyway! But here's hubby enjoying the sights.
We stopped by the Bellagio Hotel and Casino too. This pic is the glass art that decorates the ceiling in the reception area of the hotel. So beautiful to see. Inside the Bellagio are the high-end stores such as Prada and Hermes. Yes Gil, you too can own a Prada wallet for a mere $450! I did indulge a moment though. I stopped at Tiffany's Jewelers where I admired an emerald and diamond ring. I even asked to see it. I tried it on too. Only $26,000 and it could have been mine! Ah... dreaming is lovely isn't it?
I won't bore you with pics of the gaming friends I met. Or of the presentations I attended; if you play EQ2 then you might be interested but if not, not so much. However, here's a really good picture of MH and his wife KC. Don't they make a cute couple?!
And of course, a pic of hubby and me at the Saturday night banquet. We had a grand time at Fan Faire and depending on where it is next year, we may go again.
Bye Vegas! 'Til next time!
Our hotel, The Luxor. We stayed on the 19th floor of the pyramid with my best friend (MH) and his wife (KC), in what's known as a spa/jacuzzi room.
Currently appearing at The Luxor are Criss Angel (you can see the banner on the front of the hotel) and the comedian Carrot Top. They're renovating inside thought to create a Titanic Exhibition and a Bodies Exhibition.
We went to the bar at the Hilton Hotel one evening. Quark's Bar is one of the Star Trek themed parts of the hotel. As of September 1 though, the Hilton will be closing it's 10-year old exhibition of Star Trek, The Experience. Many a fan is disappointed with the closure I'm sure. Anyway, here is me and KC enjoying a (mini) Warp Core Breach, complete with dry ice! YUM!
One night, we went to the Stratosphere Restaurant on the 108th floor. This is a revolving restaurant that gave us a spectacular view of Vegas at night. Simply amazing. The food is French cuisine though, so be prepared for that if you go!
Another evening, we headed via monorail to New York, New York hotel to take in Cirque du soleil's Zumanity. Very sensual and sexual; I thoroughly enjoyed the show.
We stopped by Caesar's Palace to have a look around as well.
I even got a pic of KC pointing out the "goods" on the gods! RAWR!
We went to the Excalibur Hotel and Casino to see The Tournament of Kings! It's a tradition for MH and KC to see the show when they go to Vegas. Last year, they brought us with them. This year, we made sure we went again! The Excalibur was located right next to our hotel, so it was easy to get there using the overhead walkways and indoor connection routes that are so well planned! Good thing too, the heat was excruciating!
We took one day and drove down to tour the Hoover Dam and the Lake Mead region of Nevada. It was really hot that day; up on the observation deck, it registered 46 degrees Celsius (115 F) and we were told not to touch the guard railing as it could burn bare skin. Being somewhat afraid of heights, I opted not to go close anyway! But here's hubby enjoying the sights.
We stopped by the Bellagio Hotel and Casino too. This pic is the glass art that decorates the ceiling in the reception area of the hotel. So beautiful to see. Inside the Bellagio are the high-end stores such as Prada and Hermes. Yes Gil, you too can own a Prada wallet for a mere $450! I did indulge a moment though. I stopped at Tiffany's Jewelers where I admired an emerald and diamond ring. I even asked to see it. I tried it on too. Only $26,000 and it could have been mine! Ah... dreaming is lovely isn't it?
I won't bore you with pics of the gaming friends I met. Or of the presentations I attended; if you play EQ2 then you might be interested but if not, not so much. However, here's a really good picture of MH and his wife KC. Don't they make a cute couple?!
And of course, a pic of hubby and me at the Saturday night banquet. We had a grand time at Fan Faire and depending on where it is next year, we may go again.
Bye Vegas! 'Til next time!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Viva Las Vegas!
Vegas. My God. Vegas. What a blast! I tell you folks, if you want to get away and forget this IF crap for awhile, that is THE place to go. Talk about Sin City! RAWR! If you've never been, I suggest a romantic, indulgent weekend (or week!) for two. Believe me, I know we all deserve it.
I started my holiday in Washington, DC on August 3 where I spent a week with my sister while she attended a conference, and I spent a fair bit of time with my best friend, MH. He's now living on the east coast in VA while his wife (KC) and twins are still back in California. With luck, they'll all be settled in their own home again by November at the latest in Virginia. I may even pop down in October to help him look for a place. We'll see.
Anyway, Washington was relaxing. I did take the time to do a couple of tours and I took TONS of photos. MH was kind enough to chauffeur me around a bit and even came out for dinner with me a time or two, foregoing his regular gym routine to spend a bit of time with me. And on Sunday the 10th, MH and I hopped a plane from DC to Vegas where we hooked up with KC first (it was so amazing to watch them reunite after months apart!) and then we found my hubby!
The four of us picked up our luggage and then went to get our rental car before heading for the Luxor hotel. Wow. Just WOW. Pics to come when I get a moment, promise! There's an Egyptian pyramid theme for this hotel, complete with hieroglyphics and pillars, a sphinx out front and stores named things like The Scarab Gift Shop. The room we had was lovely: there were two queen-sized beds, a mini-fridge, a sitting room with couch and chair, a huge jacuzzi tub near the beds and KC and I indulged in that tub on more than one occasion. It was so nice to unwind in there after spending the day in 42 degree heat (112 F)! Eeesh!
All in all, our week's activities consisted of...
Sunday: went to the hotel, checked in, found a quick bite and later that day, headed to the Hilton to go to Quark's bar for dinner, after which KC and I indulged in a mini warp core breach as opposed to the big one we had last year. Back to the hotel for a soak in that tub. PURE heaven. I guarantee.
Monday: Shopping with KC and I had a pedicure while she had a manicure. That was LOTS of fun. And badly needed on my behalf. It's nice to be pampered now and then. We had reservations for 8 at the Stratosphere restaurant; French cuisine. Unfortunately, that didn't sit well with MH or KC really. And that discomfort was compounded by a minor disagreement between me and KC made for hard feelings that sorta ran over into the next day. Unfortunately.
Tuesday: Pancakes for breakfast at IHOP before heading to Hoover Dam. I was pissed at hubby for a comment he made on Monday and MH and I chatted about it on Tuesday morning, as we sat on the sofa in our suite, greeting the day. He and I often chat in the mornings... just alone time for him and I to catch up and connect. Anyway, I spent the day miserable and sullenly quiet. When we got back to Vegas, MH and KC announced that they wanted to have a date night. Totally understandable and I was in no mood to go anywhere or do anything. So MH and KC went to a movie and hubby and I had a LONG talk in the hotel room. We needed that though. I needed to clarify some things with him.
Wednesday: I went to do laundry with KC while the boys worked out. God, they're ALWAYS working out aren't they? I know they want to look good for us and all but sheesh! God love them. Take a break now and then though guys. It's nice to actually SPEND time with you. We ran some errands, KC and I shopped as well for an hour or so (Fredericks of Hollywood had a GREAT corset for me, and a gorgeous one for her! LOVELY prices too!) and went to see a couple of hotels. The Bellagio (I tried on a $26,000 emerald and diamond ring that I so would love to have!), and then Caesar's Palace. Hubby and I were a bit tired, so we sat for an hour or so while MH and KC roamed and took photos. We got a lead on a new casino just outside of Vegas; we opted to remember the details for future. We returned to our room in time to get ready to go see Cirque du soleil's Zumanity at New York, New York hotel. It was amazing. This was the risqué show; nudity and all. Beautiful to watch though and boy, does it provide fodder for the audience! RAWR!
Thursday: Denny's for breakfast this morning and that was nice. We took yesterday details about the new Red Rock casino (12-15 miles outside of Las Vegas), and headed there to check it out. It was lovely! We spent a bit of time gambling, MH won a little bit of cash at Blackjack, and we had a GREAT buffet there (the restaurant was called Feast I think). We left there and went to the Fan Faire registration (for the game that we all play, Everquest II) at the Hilton before heading back to the hotel and freshening up to head to a club for a few hours.
Friday: We attended Fan Faire all day long. Whew! Lots to see and do. Plenty to hear! I met some folks from Mayhem (another guild on our server) and other notables that are RP figureheads. It was fun. I took LOTS of pics, especially about the new and upcoming guild halls! Friday night was John Smedley's (the CEO of Sony Online Entertainment) address and we stayed long enough to hear about EQ2's expansion, The Shadow Odyssey, set for release on November 18. Then we boogied outta there cause we had tickets for the 8:30 showing of Tournament of Kings (a medieval knights sort of show) at The Excalibur hotel. We headed there, saw the show and had dinner, and then made our way back to the Luxor to bed! Whew!
Saturday: More of Fan Faire! WOOTeth! We did a bit of shopping in the morning and ran a few little errands, still taking pics of the things we wanted to see. We had prepared our clothing for the banquet in the evening and the boys kindly went out to get the bags while Karry and I chatted with folks and did a bit of gambling. The banquet was really nice; food was better than last year and we enjoyed the atmosphere. Lots of fun all in all. Coming home that night, we packed up much of our luggage and hubby and I departed and gave MH and KC some alone time. An hour at the casino downstairs before we came back up and MH, hubby and I soaked a bit in the tub. The cool sheets felt good after that. Believe me.
Sunday: Oh... saying goodbye is so hard isn't it? Horrid really. We packed up bags and checked out at 11 a.m. Piling stuff in the car, we headed out to run errands. We bought bags, a new carrying case for our camera (I lost ours in DC at the Smithsonian somewhere) and then we went for breakfast. We stopped afterwards to rearrange our luggage and go check in for our flights early. Hubby wanted to look for a new pair of sneakers, so we did a bit of shopping, and we also hit the M&Ms store for KC. And we went to a jewelry kiosk named Bico for a chain for MH, but he changed his mind. All of us had purchased something from them earlier in the week; I hung mine on the mirror in the car this morning in fact. Each pendant from Bico has a meaning. The one I chose is representative of my character in the game, not of me personally. Anyway, we took our last pictures, saw the last things we wanted to see, and when all was said and done, we went to Red Lobster for dinner together before returning the car and heading to the airport. *sigh*
Hubby and I got off at the terminal with MH and KC so we could see them off. God I hated to say goodbye. Hubby and MH shook hands and hugged and KC and I embraced. I started to cry, but I tried so hard not to! It's tough to leave close friends. She hugged me and said, "Take care of him for me will you Gil?" I replied, "You know I will. We're all just waiting for you honey. It'll come soon. Hang in there. We love you." And she told me, "I love you too." It was tough to part from her. Not only because I knew that it meant we had said goodbye, but because then I had to say goodbye to MH.
He is my best friend. He 'gets' me like no one has since 10 or 12 years ago really. He is the closest to me that anyone has ever been. And I adore him for that. He hugged me; and I tried to stem the tears. I smiled and reminded him that it wasn't "goodbye"... he's coming to visit for the Sept. 12 weekend I think. It's still so hard to leave him and KC though. But they needed time to say goodbye to each other alone. In private. I watched as they hugged and hubby and I turned for the escalator, leaving them together. I know it's hard on KC. I do. I know it's hard on MH too. Soon enough, they will be in their own home again on the east coast. And closer to us.
Yes, there were days during the vacation when one of us wasn't up to snuff, or one of the two couples was bickering but that is bound to happen when you put four personalities in tight quarters together. Normal and natural. The trick is... handling it. If you handle it well, talk things over, resolve minor differences (or major ones!) then it bodes well. If you let things fester and blow up, it makes for a messier scene. All four of us tried to work things out as much as possible and in the end, it was SO hard to leave them.
And now it's back to the grindstone. Ho hum. Vegas was so much more fun than this...
I started my holiday in Washington, DC on August 3 where I spent a week with my sister while she attended a conference, and I spent a fair bit of time with my best friend, MH. He's now living on the east coast in VA while his wife (KC) and twins are still back in California. With luck, they'll all be settled in their own home again by November at the latest in Virginia. I may even pop down in October to help him look for a place. We'll see.
Anyway, Washington was relaxing. I did take the time to do a couple of tours and I took TONS of photos. MH was kind enough to chauffeur me around a bit and even came out for dinner with me a time or two, foregoing his regular gym routine to spend a bit of time with me. And on Sunday the 10th, MH and I hopped a plane from DC to Vegas where we hooked up with KC first (it was so amazing to watch them reunite after months apart!) and then we found my hubby!
The four of us picked up our luggage and then went to get our rental car before heading for the Luxor hotel. Wow. Just WOW. Pics to come when I get a moment, promise! There's an Egyptian pyramid theme for this hotel, complete with hieroglyphics and pillars, a sphinx out front and stores named things like The Scarab Gift Shop. The room we had was lovely: there were two queen-sized beds, a mini-fridge, a sitting room with couch and chair, a huge jacuzzi tub near the beds and KC and I indulged in that tub on more than one occasion. It was so nice to unwind in there after spending the day in 42 degree heat (112 F)! Eeesh!
All in all, our week's activities consisted of...
Sunday: went to the hotel, checked in, found a quick bite and later that day, headed to the Hilton to go to Quark's bar for dinner, after which KC and I indulged in a mini warp core breach as opposed to the big one we had last year. Back to the hotel for a soak in that tub. PURE heaven. I guarantee.
Monday: Shopping with KC and I had a pedicure while she had a manicure. That was LOTS of fun. And badly needed on my behalf. It's nice to be pampered now and then. We had reservations for 8 at the Stratosphere restaurant; French cuisine. Unfortunately, that didn't sit well with MH or KC really. And that discomfort was compounded by a minor disagreement between me and KC made for hard feelings that sorta ran over into the next day. Unfortunately.
Tuesday: Pancakes for breakfast at IHOP before heading to Hoover Dam. I was pissed at hubby for a comment he made on Monday and MH and I chatted about it on Tuesday morning, as we sat on the sofa in our suite, greeting the day. He and I often chat in the mornings... just alone time for him and I to catch up and connect. Anyway, I spent the day miserable and sullenly quiet. When we got back to Vegas, MH and KC announced that they wanted to have a date night. Totally understandable and I was in no mood to go anywhere or do anything. So MH and KC went to a movie and hubby and I had a LONG talk in the hotel room. We needed that though. I needed to clarify some things with him.
Wednesday: I went to do laundry with KC while the boys worked out. God, they're ALWAYS working out aren't they? I know they want to look good for us and all but sheesh! God love them. Take a break now and then though guys. It's nice to actually SPEND time with you. We ran some errands, KC and I shopped as well for an hour or so (Fredericks of Hollywood had a GREAT corset for me, and a gorgeous one for her! LOVELY prices too!) and went to see a couple of hotels. The Bellagio (I tried on a $26,000 emerald and diamond ring that I so would love to have!), and then Caesar's Palace. Hubby and I were a bit tired, so we sat for an hour or so while MH and KC roamed and took photos. We got a lead on a new casino just outside of Vegas; we opted to remember the details for future. We returned to our room in time to get ready to go see Cirque du soleil's Zumanity at New York, New York hotel. It was amazing. This was the risqué show; nudity and all. Beautiful to watch though and boy, does it provide fodder for the audience! RAWR!
Thursday: Denny's for breakfast this morning and that was nice. We took yesterday details about the new Red Rock casino (12-15 miles outside of Las Vegas), and headed there to check it out. It was lovely! We spent a bit of time gambling, MH won a little bit of cash at Blackjack, and we had a GREAT buffet there (the restaurant was called Feast I think). We left there and went to the Fan Faire registration (for the game that we all play, Everquest II) at the Hilton before heading back to the hotel and freshening up to head to a club for a few hours.
Friday: We attended Fan Faire all day long. Whew! Lots to see and do. Plenty to hear! I met some folks from Mayhem (another guild on our server) and other notables that are RP figureheads. It was fun. I took LOTS of pics, especially about the new and upcoming guild halls! Friday night was John Smedley's (the CEO of Sony Online Entertainment) address and we stayed long enough to hear about EQ2's expansion, The Shadow Odyssey, set for release on November 18. Then we boogied outta there cause we had tickets for the 8:30 showing of Tournament of Kings (a medieval knights sort of show) at The Excalibur hotel. We headed there, saw the show and had dinner, and then made our way back to the Luxor to bed! Whew!
Saturday: More of Fan Faire! WOOTeth! We did a bit of shopping in the morning and ran a few little errands, still taking pics of the things we wanted to see. We had prepared our clothing for the banquet in the evening and the boys kindly went out to get the bags while Karry and I chatted with folks and did a bit of gambling. The banquet was really nice; food was better than last year and we enjoyed the atmosphere. Lots of fun all in all. Coming home that night, we packed up much of our luggage and hubby and I departed and gave MH and KC some alone time. An hour at the casino downstairs before we came back up and MH, hubby and I soaked a bit in the tub. The cool sheets felt good after that. Believe me.
Sunday: Oh... saying goodbye is so hard isn't it? Horrid really. We packed up bags and checked out at 11 a.m. Piling stuff in the car, we headed out to run errands. We bought bags, a new carrying case for our camera (I lost ours in DC at the Smithsonian somewhere) and then we went for breakfast. We stopped afterwards to rearrange our luggage and go check in for our flights early. Hubby wanted to look for a new pair of sneakers, so we did a bit of shopping, and we also hit the M&Ms store for KC. And we went to a jewelry kiosk named Bico for a chain for MH, but he changed his mind. All of us had purchased something from them earlier in the week; I hung mine on the mirror in the car this morning in fact. Each pendant from Bico has a meaning. The one I chose is representative of my character in the game, not of me personally. Anyway, we took our last pictures, saw the last things we wanted to see, and when all was said and done, we went to Red Lobster for dinner together before returning the car and heading to the airport. *sigh*
Hubby and I got off at the terminal with MH and KC so we could see them off. God I hated to say goodbye. Hubby and MH shook hands and hugged and KC and I embraced. I started to cry, but I tried so hard not to! It's tough to leave close friends. She hugged me and said, "Take care of him for me will you Gil?" I replied, "You know I will. We're all just waiting for you honey. It'll come soon. Hang in there. We love you." And she told me, "I love you too." It was tough to part from her. Not only because I knew that it meant we had said goodbye, but because then I had to say goodbye to MH.
He is my best friend. He 'gets' me like no one has since 10 or 12 years ago really. He is the closest to me that anyone has ever been. And I adore him for that. He hugged me; and I tried to stem the tears. I smiled and reminded him that it wasn't "goodbye"... he's coming to visit for the Sept. 12 weekend I think. It's still so hard to leave him and KC though. But they needed time to say goodbye to each other alone. In private. I watched as they hugged and hubby and I turned for the escalator, leaving them together. I know it's hard on KC. I do. I know it's hard on MH too. Soon enough, they will be in their own home again on the east coast. And closer to us.
Yes, there were days during the vacation when one of us wasn't up to snuff, or one of the two couples was bickering but that is bound to happen when you put four personalities in tight quarters together. Normal and natural. The trick is... handling it. If you handle it well, talk things over, resolve minor differences (or major ones!) then it bodes well. If you let things fester and blow up, it makes for a messier scene. All four of us tried to work things out as much as possible and in the end, it was SO hard to leave them.
And now it's back to the grindstone. Ho hum. Vegas was so much more fun than this...
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Picking my nose... err... brain! Yeah!
In 24 hours from now, I'll be on a plane, heading to Washington DC. I'll admit, I cannot wait. I have been looking forward to this year's vacation since... well, since we returned from last year's vacation.
You see, I'll not only be in DC, but from the 10th to the 17th, I'll be living it up in Las Vegas. Sin City. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Oh yeah... I'm really looking forward to this!
I have plans to spend the bulk of tomorrow with my best friend, MH. And on Monday, my sister arrives in DC and while she attends a conference, I'll get to relax and wander on my own. I've got plans to have dinner with my sis and MH Monday night (he'll get to meet my sister for the first time), on Tuesday, I'm hooking up with a guildmate from EQ2 who also happens to be attending a conference in DC this week, and later in the week, MH wants to take me and my sis out, and I hope to hook up with two other friends in Northern Virginia with whom I played EQ for quite some time. So it promises to be a lovely week. If we get a chance, MH wanted to take me down to Atlantic City next weekend. And he's offered to let me use his washer and dryer to do laundry before we both go to Vegas next weekend.
Vegas... ah how I adore you Vegas! The lights. The music. The atmosphere of the casinos. The fun of the gaming stuff. Meeting friends, old and new. Being a bit raunchy and kicking back, just enjoying life for one full week. If last year was any indication, it promises to be a lovely week full of fun, experiences galore and much laughter. I'll be taking LOTS of pics! Guaranteed.
On the IF front, yesterday hubby and I had an appointment with the reproductive psychologist. McGill no longer requires that you have a consultation with a psychologist for IVF, however, if you are dealing with donor gametes (either egg or sperm), then they still require it. Dutifully, we fulfilled that obligation. I was glad to hear that the psychologist herself (having read much of this blog) indicated that she wished that we didn't have to be there and doing that consultation in the first place. She said that obviously, the issue of biology has never BEEN an issue in our home as we have developed attachments to many children who are not our own already. I was a mother-figure to my husband's children when they were in our custody. I am an aunt to a beautiful little 11-year old. I am a godmother to a 3-year old. I'm hoping to be a godmother to two five-year olds... and hubby and I will certainly agree to being a godmother to his sister's unborn baby (due Dec. 26). So biology isn't crucial to us. And the psychosocial ramifications of raising a donor-conceived child in our home would not be an issue either. Yes. We will "tell"... it won't ever be written on our foreheads, but it'll not be a secret either. No lies. No secrets. Ever. That would not be fair to any child we may be lucky enough to raise.
And then there was the discussion surrounding using donor gametes in the first place, because we may not need that vial of donor sperm after all. Like the psychologist said, we're not able to round the corner and move forward yet because we're still hanging in the balance of the two options: having the opportunity to use hubby's sperm, or having to use donor sperm. And that choice will be effectively removed from us in the blink of an eye and we will have to move forward either way.
Like I said to her yesterday though, I can't even round the corner yet. I effectively had to take a step back. I had grieved and mourned the loss of a biological child already before our first attempt at donor sperm two years ago. I had gotten past that and put the idea out of my head entirely; the idea that I -might- be able to have my husband's child. That was gone. And now, I have to revisit that possibility. I have to step back to that place and wrap my brain around that. And I have to be ready to go with either possibility.
I'm ready for that. It's time to move forward again.
First things first... my vacation! *dances* Fan Faire, here we come!
You see, I'll not only be in DC, but from the 10th to the 17th, I'll be living it up in Las Vegas. Sin City. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Oh yeah... I'm really looking forward to this!
I have plans to spend the bulk of tomorrow with my best friend, MH. And on Monday, my sister arrives in DC and while she attends a conference, I'll get to relax and wander on my own. I've got plans to have dinner with my sis and MH Monday night (he'll get to meet my sister for the first time), on Tuesday, I'm hooking up with a guildmate from EQ2 who also happens to be attending a conference in DC this week, and later in the week, MH wants to take me and my sis out, and I hope to hook up with two other friends in Northern Virginia with whom I played EQ for quite some time. So it promises to be a lovely week. If we get a chance, MH wanted to take me down to Atlantic City next weekend. And he's offered to let me use his washer and dryer to do laundry before we both go to Vegas next weekend.
Vegas... ah how I adore you Vegas! The lights. The music. The atmosphere of the casinos. The fun of the gaming stuff. Meeting friends, old and new. Being a bit raunchy and kicking back, just enjoying life for one full week. If last year was any indication, it promises to be a lovely week full of fun, experiences galore and much laughter. I'll be taking LOTS of pics! Guaranteed.
On the IF front, yesterday hubby and I had an appointment with the reproductive psychologist. McGill no longer requires that you have a consultation with a psychologist for IVF, however, if you are dealing with donor gametes (either egg or sperm), then they still require it. Dutifully, we fulfilled that obligation. I was glad to hear that the psychologist herself (having read much of this blog) indicated that she wished that we didn't have to be there and doing that consultation in the first place. She said that obviously, the issue of biology has never BEEN an issue in our home as we have developed attachments to many children who are not our own already. I was a mother-figure to my husband's children when they were in our custody. I am an aunt to a beautiful little 11-year old. I am a godmother to a 3-year old. I'm hoping to be a godmother to two five-year olds... and hubby and I will certainly agree to being a godmother to his sister's unborn baby (due Dec. 26). So biology isn't crucial to us. And the psychosocial ramifications of raising a donor-conceived child in our home would not be an issue either. Yes. We will "tell"... it won't ever be written on our foreheads, but it'll not be a secret either. No lies. No secrets. Ever. That would not be fair to any child we may be lucky enough to raise.
And then there was the discussion surrounding using donor gametes in the first place, because we may not need that vial of donor sperm after all. Like the psychologist said, we're not able to round the corner and move forward yet because we're still hanging in the balance of the two options: having the opportunity to use hubby's sperm, or having to use donor sperm. And that choice will be effectively removed from us in the blink of an eye and we will have to move forward either way.
Like I said to her yesterday though, I can't even round the corner yet. I effectively had to take a step back. I had grieved and mourned the loss of a biological child already before our first attempt at donor sperm two years ago. I had gotten past that and put the idea out of my head entirely; the idea that I -might- be able to have my husband's child. That was gone. And now, I have to revisit that possibility. I have to step back to that place and wrap my brain around that. And I have to be ready to go with either possibility.
I'm ready for that. It's time to move forward again.
First things first... my vacation! *dances* Fan Faire, here we come!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Vacations and Consolation Prizes
Time ticks on, and we've not heard any further news from the urologist, who was supposed to return to work on the 21st after his holiday, or from my nurse, to whom I sent an e-mail late last week with three questions. We're not in a hurry of course, but it would be nice to hear something, you know?
I am occupying my time right now in the countdown to my vacation. T minus 11 days and 20 hours (give or take), and I am on a plane to Washington DC to spend a week with my sister and see my best friend, MH, before heading to Vegas for a week with MH and his wife and my hubby. Washington will be my down time; my sister is going to be at a conference so I'll be occupying my time on my own I think. I am planning to go shopping, and maybe MH and I will take in a movie or something. My sis and I will take him out for dinner too. And he's graciously offered to let me use his laundry facilities before he and I head to Vegas the following week. We've got a full week's worth of activities planned in Vegas too: attending the Fan Faire convention (including the various panels, welcome reception, closing banquet and some of the evening events), tickets to Cirque du soleil's Zumanity, tickets to the Tournament of Kings, MH's wife wants to tour the Hoover Dam, we have a reservation at Stratosphere (one of those revolving rooftop restaurants) one night, we'll be heading to Quark's Bar at the Hilton too to have a Warp Core Breach (a sinful alcoholic drink), and somewhere in there, we might hit a nightclub. I'm bringing the clothes for it anyway!
This year at Fan Faire though, I'm a bit ambivalent about it. Last year you see, I was hoping to meet up with a gaming friend and her husband, who were going through TTC troubles of their own. She'd been going through the motions but was then diagnosed with PCOS and ta da! Metformin solved their problems; she is more than halfway through her pregnancy. And they're both attending Fan Faire. I am happy for them, but... well, you know the drill right? Things are falling into place for them, and here I am, still stuck in limbo. It's getting to be a tad frustrating. How will I react? What will I say? How do I express joy for her and hide my own sadness at the same time? Ha... maybe I should seek her out after I've had that Warp Core Breach; I bet I can be much happier while I'm drunk! I don't know yet how I'm going to deal with that.
And then this week, hubby and I were asked to be godparents again. I am honoured that so many people in our lives consider us so responsible and think that we would be good parental figures for their children. Right now, we are godparents to a three-year old boy, the youngest son of friends of ours. I am also named as a legal guardian of my friend K's daughter (lil K, I call her here), in the event of K's passing. And I was so thrilled when a few months ago, MH came to me and asked if hubby and I might consider being godparents to their five-year old twins. MH and his wife (KC) haven't named godparents for their children yet and although we have yet to meet his kids, if everyone is in agreement and the kids are comfortable with us, then we would be thrilled to do that for them as well. And this week, hubby's BIL asked us to be godparents to their unborn child. The baby is due December 26; I gather we are staying home for Christmas this year so hubby can be close when his sister has the baby.
I won't lie; I was told the news of that pregnancy in quite awful circumstances. I was not prepared for it and it was conveyed poorly. I was angry for a long time, at the way I was told, and at hubby's sister and BIL. I cried buckets of tears for weeks on end. Now I'm not angry. I am just sad. And I feel like I've been offered the consolation prize.
You know... I'm sure you've felt this way too. Something happens and you either get the next best thing, or someone does something to take your mind off it. Recently, for example, noswimmers and her husband lost their twins at 20 weeks through the pregnancy. So to take their mind off things, her in-laws took them on a trip to Hawaii. Here you go, your consolation prize. It just doesn't cut it you know? As she has said, nothing will give her back her babies. And even for us, last year, our trip to Vegas was our consolation prize, after having miscarried earlier in the year and then dealing with the acceptance of using donor sperm. Here you go Gil, your consolation prize. It's nice and all, but it doesn't give me what I want, you know?
So while I am flattered beyond belief that I have been asked to be godparents to so many children, I wonder to myself: will I ever get to choose a godparent for MY child?
Just some things I am pondering as I prepare for my vacation. At least I have that to look forward to. Love to you all in blogland. I'm still here and still reading. I just feel I've gone through so much failure with this journey, that I don't quite relate as well anymore...
I am occupying my time right now in the countdown to my vacation. T minus 11 days and 20 hours (give or take), and I am on a plane to Washington DC to spend a week with my sister and see my best friend, MH, before heading to Vegas for a week with MH and his wife and my hubby. Washington will be my down time; my sister is going to be at a conference so I'll be occupying my time on my own I think. I am planning to go shopping, and maybe MH and I will take in a movie or something. My sis and I will take him out for dinner too. And he's graciously offered to let me use his laundry facilities before he and I head to Vegas the following week. We've got a full week's worth of activities planned in Vegas too: attending the Fan Faire convention (including the various panels, welcome reception, closing banquet and some of the evening events), tickets to Cirque du soleil's Zumanity, tickets to the Tournament of Kings, MH's wife wants to tour the Hoover Dam, we have a reservation at Stratosphere (one of those revolving rooftop restaurants) one night, we'll be heading to Quark's Bar at the Hilton too to have a Warp Core Breach (a sinful alcoholic drink), and somewhere in there, we might hit a nightclub. I'm bringing the clothes for it anyway!
This year at Fan Faire though, I'm a bit ambivalent about it. Last year you see, I was hoping to meet up with a gaming friend and her husband, who were going through TTC troubles of their own. She'd been going through the motions but was then diagnosed with PCOS and ta da! Metformin solved their problems; she is more than halfway through her pregnancy. And they're both attending Fan Faire. I am happy for them, but... well, you know the drill right? Things are falling into place for them, and here I am, still stuck in limbo. It's getting to be a tad frustrating. How will I react? What will I say? How do I express joy for her and hide my own sadness at the same time? Ha... maybe I should seek her out after I've had that Warp Core Breach; I bet I can be much happier while I'm drunk! I don't know yet how I'm going to deal with that.
And then this week, hubby and I were asked to be godparents again. I am honoured that so many people in our lives consider us so responsible and think that we would be good parental figures for their children. Right now, we are godparents to a three-year old boy, the youngest son of friends of ours. I am also named as a legal guardian of my friend K's daughter (lil K, I call her here), in the event of K's passing. And I was so thrilled when a few months ago, MH came to me and asked if hubby and I might consider being godparents to their five-year old twins. MH and his wife (KC) haven't named godparents for their children yet and although we have yet to meet his kids, if everyone is in agreement and the kids are comfortable with us, then we would be thrilled to do that for them as well. And this week, hubby's BIL asked us to be godparents to their unborn child. The baby is due December 26; I gather we are staying home for Christmas this year so hubby can be close when his sister has the baby.
I won't lie; I was told the news of that pregnancy in quite awful circumstances. I was not prepared for it and it was conveyed poorly. I was angry for a long time, at the way I was told, and at hubby's sister and BIL. I cried buckets of tears for weeks on end. Now I'm not angry. I am just sad. And I feel like I've been offered the consolation prize.
You know... I'm sure you've felt this way too. Something happens and you either get the next best thing, or someone does something to take your mind off it. Recently, for example, noswimmers and her husband lost their twins at 20 weeks through the pregnancy. So to take their mind off things, her in-laws took them on a trip to Hawaii. Here you go, your consolation prize. It just doesn't cut it you know? As she has said, nothing will give her back her babies. And even for us, last year, our trip to Vegas was our consolation prize, after having miscarried earlier in the year and then dealing with the acceptance of using donor sperm. Here you go Gil, your consolation prize. It's nice and all, but it doesn't give me what I want, you know?
So while I am flattered beyond belief that I have been asked to be godparents to so many children, I wonder to myself: will I ever get to choose a godparent for MY child?
Just some things I am pondering as I prepare for my vacation. At least I have that to look forward to. Love to you all in blogland. I'm still here and still reading. I just feel I've gone through so much failure with this journey, that I don't quite relate as well anymore...
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Calendar, Costs and Concerns
Montréal.
What to say about Montréal? Yes. I still despise the layout of the roads. Good God, I hate the insanity of driving in the city too; I am convinced that signal lights are 'options' on Montréal vehicles.
Nevertheless, Montréal it is. And no turning back now: we laid out a huge chunk of change for our three-package IVF attempts. And no guarantees of course.
Never any guarantees with this, are there? Hopes, yes. Expectations? Hell no. Not any more. I go into this expecting to shell out all sorts of money and still have empty arms in the end. I almost had to laugh at the nurse during the information session though... talking like it was just a matter of time before all these couples experienced pregnancy and the fulfilment of having children. Ha. Funny lady. Tsk tsk. Introducing hope into the hearts and minds of those couples. Shameful really.
We had a 9 a.m. appointment to make out our calendar. I watched as our nurse flipped back and forth, forwards and backwards, over and over through our file. She was looking for something, and God knows, she spent about 10 minutes going over it all searching for one or two particular details.
She eventually called us into an office at about 9:45 a.m. so we could go over the calendar. First up, she needed to know my cycle length (relatively short, between 25 and 27 days usually). Then she looked for my Hep A, Hep B and blood type tests. Neither of us have them, so I'll requisition them from my other doctor. Not a problem... or get them done. Easy.
Then she hit us with a date. October 27.
WTF? You've gotta be shitting me? That can't be! Jesus! I'm ready to cycle now dammit! First we had to wait two months to get an appointment at all. Then another two months after all the test were done before we could get an appointment with our RE there (as he was out of the country teaching and attending conferences). Now we have to fuck around and wait til freakin October before we can cycle?! Christ. My heart sank.
Apparently the lab only likes to culture one sample per week and with all the others who need their services, ours would be pushed to the week of October 27.
Besides, we can't cycle for October 27 because on November 1, we head to the USA on vacation for two weeks. So that won't work. Either they find space for us earlier or we are stuck waiting til we get back in November. I'm 38 people. Maybe a 26-year old can wait a little longer, but the longer we wait, the harder this is going to be. The way they are talking, I'll be 39 before we can get this show on the road. If I hadn't paid... I almost would have reconsidered.
Almost.
Then flipping through our file again, she asks about our having signed a consent form with the urologist when we had our appointment with him. Um... we don't know anything about any consent form?! Needless to say, the urologist is out of the province on vacation til July 21. So no chance of seeing him while we were there, and oh wouldn't you know it! They won't fax us the form to sign either; they want him to sign the form in front of the urologist himself, so it means ANOTHER FUCKING DAY OFF WORK (unpaid) for my husband to sign the damn form. How fucking ridiculous is this!? You're bloody well kidding me. Not our fault he didn't get us to sign it. Get on the ball folks. I don't pay $12K for a slipshod operation here guys. Get your shit together. NOW.
We have to talk to the doc's office in Ottawa too and arrange to have the last vial of our donor sperm transferred up to Montréal in case we need it. Yeah. They don't even do that for us.
And with regards to the bloodwork, I explained to them that I would be having my bloodwork done at a particular location in Ottawa and now I have to see about whether I will be able to transport those blood samples to the lab that will process them quickly (i.e., same day results). My doc here in Ottawa has an office that processes quickly, but that office doesn't have my favourite phlebotomist! I won't go anywhere else if I can avoid it at all. So I have to make sure my phlebotomist can let me take the samples, and I have to make sure the lab I bring them to will accept them if I transport them myself.
And we learned about the cost of the meds. By the looks of it, we're looking at about $5K of medications only covered at 80%. Holy hell. My heart sank again. If the situation were a bit different, we'd be able to cover the last 20% too. Oh well. We're stuck with it.
The IVF nurse pulled out a needle and I had to turn my head. I had just finished explaining to her about my fear of needles... Christ. How frustrating. Once I steeled myself, I was able to watch. She was trying to show us how to inject the meds (sub-cutaneous). We were given a huge brown paper bag filled with needles and a sharps container. It's now sitting on my kitchen table. I guess I gotta get used to them huh? *shudders*
We did manage to have our mock transfer yesterday though and at least we got that out of the way. No problems either. Apparently my uterus is completely normal and measures about 7 cm. Good to know. And yet another doctor who gets a look at my girly bits, vajayjay, hoo-ha, nounoune, fun zone, pleasure park, etc. Dignity... right out the window.
The day was filled with info. Some good. Some not so good. I didn't have a great feeling coming out of there though.
Hubby and I headed north on St. Hubert to do a bit of shopping after we were done at the hospital and then we went back downtown to pick up my friend T after she was done work. She treated us to a lovely supper at a restaurant near her house in Lachine before we got back on the highway for Ottawa, arriving home at about 9:30 last night.
Tossed in with all this fun, I started battling a cold on Sunday morning and by Monday, I figured I'd better take something. I picked up some Cold FX to suppress the symptoms and that seemed to work to keep it at bay on Tuesday in Montréal. However, I experienced a bad side effect. I have a heart murmur (that was found when I was 18 years old) and it was severely aggravated by the Cold FX medication so I had to stop taking them. It feels like my heart skips beats; it's a valve that doesn't always function properly but it's nothing serious. Anyway, it's now Wednesday morning, and those cold symptoms have returned with a vengeance. I am absolutely smothered. So I'm staying home for the day... there's a cup of hot tea with my name on it and the kitties are waiting on my bed for cuddles.
What to say about Montréal? Yes. I still despise the layout of the roads. Good God, I hate the insanity of driving in the city too; I am convinced that signal lights are 'options' on Montréal vehicles.
Nevertheless, Montréal it is. And no turning back now: we laid out a huge chunk of change for our three-package IVF attempts. And no guarantees of course.
Never any guarantees with this, are there? Hopes, yes. Expectations? Hell no. Not any more. I go into this expecting to shell out all sorts of money and still have empty arms in the end. I almost had to laugh at the nurse during the information session though... talking like it was just a matter of time before all these couples experienced pregnancy and the fulfilment of having children. Ha. Funny lady. Tsk tsk. Introducing hope into the hearts and minds of those couples. Shameful really.
We had a 9 a.m. appointment to make out our calendar. I watched as our nurse flipped back and forth, forwards and backwards, over and over through our file. She was looking for something, and God knows, she spent about 10 minutes going over it all searching for one or two particular details.
She eventually called us into an office at about 9:45 a.m. so we could go over the calendar. First up, she needed to know my cycle length (relatively short, between 25 and 27 days usually). Then she looked for my Hep A, Hep B and blood type tests. Neither of us have them, so I'll requisition them from my other doctor. Not a problem... or get them done. Easy.
Then she hit us with a date. October 27.
WTF? You've gotta be shitting me? That can't be! Jesus! I'm ready to cycle now dammit! First we had to wait two months to get an appointment at all. Then another two months after all the test were done before we could get an appointment with our RE there (as he was out of the country teaching and attending conferences). Now we have to fuck around and wait til freakin October before we can cycle?! Christ. My heart sank.
Apparently the lab only likes to culture one sample per week and with all the others who need their services, ours would be pushed to the week of October 27.
Besides, we can't cycle for October 27 because on November 1, we head to the USA on vacation for two weeks. So that won't work. Either they find space for us earlier or we are stuck waiting til we get back in November. I'm 38 people. Maybe a 26-year old can wait a little longer, but the longer we wait, the harder this is going to be. The way they are talking, I'll be 39 before we can get this show on the road. If I hadn't paid... I almost would have reconsidered.
Almost.
Then flipping through our file again, she asks about our having signed a consent form with the urologist when we had our appointment with him. Um... we don't know anything about any consent form?! Needless to say, the urologist is out of the province on vacation til July 21. So no chance of seeing him while we were there, and oh wouldn't you know it! They won't fax us the form to sign either; they want him to sign the form in front of the urologist himself, so it means ANOTHER FUCKING DAY OFF WORK (unpaid) for my husband to sign the damn form. How fucking ridiculous is this!? You're bloody well kidding me. Not our fault he didn't get us to sign it. Get on the ball folks. I don't pay $12K for a slipshod operation here guys. Get your shit together. NOW.
We have to talk to the doc's office in Ottawa too and arrange to have the last vial of our donor sperm transferred up to Montréal in case we need it. Yeah. They don't even do that for us.
And with regards to the bloodwork, I explained to them that I would be having my bloodwork done at a particular location in Ottawa and now I have to see about whether I will be able to transport those blood samples to the lab that will process them quickly (i.e., same day results). My doc here in Ottawa has an office that processes quickly, but that office doesn't have my favourite phlebotomist! I won't go anywhere else if I can avoid it at all. So I have to make sure my phlebotomist can let me take the samples, and I have to make sure the lab I bring them to will accept them if I transport them myself.
And we learned about the cost of the meds. By the looks of it, we're looking at about $5K of medications only covered at 80%. Holy hell. My heart sank again. If the situation were a bit different, we'd be able to cover the last 20% too. Oh well. We're stuck with it.
The IVF nurse pulled out a needle and I had to turn my head. I had just finished explaining to her about my fear of needles... Christ. How frustrating. Once I steeled myself, I was able to watch. She was trying to show us how to inject the meds (sub-cutaneous). We were given a huge brown paper bag filled with needles and a sharps container. It's now sitting on my kitchen table. I guess I gotta get used to them huh? *shudders*
We did manage to have our mock transfer yesterday though and at least we got that out of the way. No problems either. Apparently my uterus is completely normal and measures about 7 cm. Good to know. And yet another doctor who gets a look at my girly bits, vajayjay, hoo-ha, nounoune, fun zone, pleasure park, etc. Dignity... right out the window.
The day was filled with info. Some good. Some not so good. I didn't have a great feeling coming out of there though.
Hubby and I headed north on St. Hubert to do a bit of shopping after we were done at the hospital and then we went back downtown to pick up my friend T after she was done work. She treated us to a lovely supper at a restaurant near her house in Lachine before we got back on the highway for Ottawa, arriving home at about 9:30 last night.
Tossed in with all this fun, I started battling a cold on Sunday morning and by Monday, I figured I'd better take something. I picked up some Cold FX to suppress the symptoms and that seemed to work to keep it at bay on Tuesday in Montréal. However, I experienced a bad side effect. I have a heart murmur (that was found when I was 18 years old) and it was severely aggravated by the Cold FX medication so I had to stop taking them. It feels like my heart skips beats; it's a valve that doesn't always function properly but it's nothing serious. Anyway, it's now Wednesday morning, and those cold symptoms have returned with a vengeance. I am absolutely smothered. So I'm staying home for the day... there's a cup of hot tea with my name on it and the kitties are waiting on my bed for cuddles.
Monday, July 07, 2008
Back to Montréal
It's 10 p.m. and tomorrow morning at 9 a.m. we have an appointment in Montréal. I know we're not starting just yet, but we are establishing our calendar, tending to the bill, and attending the info session. We'll get up at about 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. to get there on time.
So why am I nervous already? I've nothing to worry about really. Not yet.
...
Right?
So why am I nervous already? I've nothing to worry about really. Not yet.
...
Right?
Monday, June 30, 2008
All Systems are Go!
Today, hubby and I were up bright and early to pop downtown so I could submit my application for a new passport. Mine expired in April and given that I am flying to the USA in August, I'll need one, won't I?
After doing a bit of planting, weeding and trimming in the garden, he and I cleaned up a tad and headed off to Montreal for a few appointments at the clinic.
...
I'll not mention the fact that they were running an hour and a half late for ours... *eyeroll*
We had our first appointment with the RE to go over our test results; everything is normal. No more tests. I expected this news, but it was good to hear it from the horse's mouth. The second appointment was to sign consent forms... you know, à la "what do they do with the resulting embryos if we die" and "would you like to donate gametes for research purposes if they are inferior quality and cannot be used for IVF"... that sort of thing.
All relatively standard of course. But I did learn the following:
After doing a bit of planting, weeding and trimming in the garden, he and I cleaned up a tad and headed off to Montreal for a few appointments at the clinic.
...
I'll not mention the fact that they were running an hour and a half late for ours... *eyeroll*
We had our first appointment with the RE to go over our test results; everything is normal. No more tests. I expected this news, but it was good to hear it from the horse's mouth. The second appointment was to sign consent forms... you know, à la "what do they do with the resulting embryos if we die" and "would you like to donate gametes for research purposes if they are inferior quality and cannot be used for IVF"... that sort of thing.
All relatively standard of course. But I did learn the following:
- because of my age (38) they will do assisted hatching
- because I have less than 20 antral follicles (usually 16-18), I am not eligible for IVM; we will use IVF
- they will proceed with ICSI where required, but they do recommend it for someone with our track record and in our situation
- because of my age, they recommend transferring 3-4 embryos back. I had expected and hoped for 2-3. But 3-4 is superb!
We go back on July 8 for a mandatory Info Session as well as a meeting with the nurses to establish our IVF Calendar. I expect September will be our first try as I'll need a month of suppression before doing IVF. And while July works for us, August doesn't because we have a vacation planned early that month. So likely I will do suppression in August and IVF in September. If all goes well.
As for last post's meme... the answers:
- I used to swim competitively. -- True. I could swim before I could walk and when I was younger, I was on a swim team. We once did a swim-a-thon to raise money for charity; something like 200 laps of the pool without touching the bottom and just coming up for air at the ends. We all got through it, the whole team!
- I can play the piano fairly well. -- Totally false. I've no musical talent at all, although I can sing and used to be in both school and church choirs.
- I met Princess Diana and Prince Charles. -- True. They came to my hometown a year or so after they were married and when I was part of the Girl Guides of Canada (as a Pathfinder at the time), I was one of four selected from our Troop to go to the Governor General's garden party to meet them the day after they arrived. It was an honour. I remember Princess Di as being enthralled with the kids, and being talkative and sweet in general, while I recall Prince Charles as one of the stuffiest, most uninteresting individuals I had had the opportunity to meet.
- I have lived in four different countries. -- Indeed I have. Canada, France, Japan and Belgium. Loved each of them too. There are pros and cons to every country and culture. I love learning languages and culture in general so I really enjoyed my time elsewhere.
- I have been told that I could make very good money doing voiceovers. -- *blush* True again... or so I'm told. I don't believe a word of it of course. But apparently, I've stopped men in their tracks. Eeesh! *hides*
And BTW, my SIL is due on Dec. 26. I am happy for her.
But still so sad for me.
As Shlomit says... "Peace." See you all in a week or so.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Quiet Round Here... sorta
I've been conspicuously inconspicuent lately. Sorry. I don't mean to be. I've been working out some of my own anger around things and sorta trying to find things to distract me. I don't know that that is working either.
But I'm still here. And now that I'm writing, I think that there are a few things I need to post about.
There has been very good news, as well as very sad news in the blogging world. I have shed so many tears for No Swimmers this week. She lost her twins at 19 wks and has had to endure the pain and grief of going through what none of us hopes to ever have to.
On the brighter side, Flicka and Sarge at Vacant Uterus have been chosen to be adoptive parents. After quite awhile and a journey full of ups and downs, They expect to have luck in under a month with a newborn.
And I know that Dramalish is in the 2ww as she and her husband try for a sibling for her little girl. I have read her story and followed along and while I am happy that she gets to try for her second child, I ache for myself, having never had a first. While I watch as some of you get lucky and move forward, I am stuck in limbo. Waiting. Wanting. Hoping. For five years. No end in sight. No definite plans to try any time soon. No calendar yet established for IVF.
Yes, we have two appointments scheduled in Montréal (June 30 and again July 8) and somewhere in there, God I hope to get some sort of calendar and idea of WTF is on the docket. I am so past ready to try, it's tearing me apart. I move so many of your blogs around on my sidebar. From TTC to Success. From Success BACK to TTC even! I read along as new mothers post their birth stories and ask for advice (or assvice, depending) from the community. I wish I could be part of that select group. But I can't. I can't give any advice (or even assvice) to those of you who have gotten lucky and are blessed with a baby. All I can do is read along and enjoy your journey, while lamenting for myself that I am not there. I don't know if I ever will be.
I have begun delving into the blogs of those of you who have moved forward, or are trying to, after years of IF and TTC and have made the choice to live without children. I am not ready yet to say that I am at that point as I need to try IVF in order to have peace of mind later in life. I expect no successes though. I just need to do this to have peace later. This will be the end of our TTC journey; I'm fairly sure of that. So I move ahead little by little and get to that end point.
One way or another, it will end. Eventually.
I have some things that are keeping me busy for now though. First up... K has had her surgery for cancer and it looks like they got it all from the jaw area. Now to deal with the tiny spots on the liver. She is healing but it's hard. For awhile, I was going over to her home every day after work to tidy, cook and make sure her daughter got homework done and the like. That seems to have subsided. In fact, Lil K had her 11th birthday yesterday. We went bowling and then all the kids came to our house for a swim (we have an in-ground pool). Everyone seemed to really enjoy the fun.
I do have a baby shower to attend next week. My RL friend, T is now over 30 wks. She is going to be a single mom; she's my age and after one miscarriage with donor IUI, her second attempt seems successful. With luck, she will have a little girl in August. I am glad for her of course, yet again... sad for myself. I started this journey long before she had that first attempt, and here I am, still empty-handed. So my joy is tinged with pain. As so much of this journey is.
A good friend of mine, MH is now in Virginia after moving from California. His wife and twins are still in CA though and will stay there until later this year when they are able to move. For now, she stays there as she has the health insurance. And we all know about the cost of health care in the USA. MH is now working but until his insurance kicks in, and they get out of the apartment lease, his wife will stay in CA.
MH moved and promptly got bored in VA. So I told him to take a long weekend and come up here to visit if he was bored. Lo and behold, he did just that. He was here last weekend and we had a blast with him. He plans to come again for the July 4 weekend. Every two weeks, he has Friday off so he expects to be able to come once per month at least. It's always good to see him.
Other than that, hubby and I just installed new laminate floor in the kitchen. It looks lovely. It was a birthday gift from my mom. And now we're looking for a new front door to replace the old one. Time for an update.
Better than all of that, hubby and I have booked our trip for August. I'll head to Washington DC first to spend time with my sister there as she attends a conference. Then I'll head to Las Vegas where I'll meet up with hubby, MH and his wife, and we'll all attend Fan Faire again for the MMORPG that we play. I'm looking forward to it already, even though the trip will delay our IVF calendar yet again.
A bit of a meme to round this out. Pam tagged me in "One of These Things is Not Like the Other" game. So here we go; five bits of trivia about me. Guess which is false.
But I'm still here. And now that I'm writing, I think that there are a few things I need to post about.
There has been very good news, as well as very sad news in the blogging world. I have shed so many tears for No Swimmers this week. She lost her twins at 19 wks and has had to endure the pain and grief of going through what none of us hopes to ever have to.
On the brighter side, Flicka and Sarge at Vacant Uterus have been chosen to be adoptive parents. After quite awhile and a journey full of ups and downs, They expect to have luck in under a month with a newborn.
And I know that Dramalish is in the 2ww as she and her husband try for a sibling for her little girl. I have read her story and followed along and while I am happy that she gets to try for her second child, I ache for myself, having never had a first. While I watch as some of you get lucky and move forward, I am stuck in limbo. Waiting. Wanting. Hoping. For five years. No end in sight. No definite plans to try any time soon. No calendar yet established for IVF.
Yes, we have two appointments scheduled in Montréal (June 30 and again July 8) and somewhere in there, God I hope to get some sort of calendar and idea of WTF is on the docket. I am so past ready to try, it's tearing me apart. I move so many of your blogs around on my sidebar. From TTC to Success. From Success BACK to TTC even! I read along as new mothers post their birth stories and ask for advice (or assvice, depending) from the community. I wish I could be part of that select group. But I can't. I can't give any advice (or even assvice) to those of you who have gotten lucky and are blessed with a baby. All I can do is read along and enjoy your journey, while lamenting for myself that I am not there. I don't know if I ever will be.
I have begun delving into the blogs of those of you who have moved forward, or are trying to, after years of IF and TTC and have made the choice to live without children. I am not ready yet to say that I am at that point as I need to try IVF in order to have peace of mind later in life. I expect no successes though. I just need to do this to have peace later. This will be the end of our TTC journey; I'm fairly sure of that. So I move ahead little by little and get to that end point.
One way or another, it will end. Eventually.
I have some things that are keeping me busy for now though. First up... K has had her surgery for cancer and it looks like they got it all from the jaw area. Now to deal with the tiny spots on the liver. She is healing but it's hard. For awhile, I was going over to her home every day after work to tidy, cook and make sure her daughter got homework done and the like. That seems to have subsided. In fact, Lil K had her 11th birthday yesterday. We went bowling and then all the kids came to our house for a swim (we have an in-ground pool). Everyone seemed to really enjoy the fun.
I do have a baby shower to attend next week. My RL friend, T is now over 30 wks. She is going to be a single mom; she's my age and after one miscarriage with donor IUI, her second attempt seems successful. With luck, she will have a little girl in August. I am glad for her of course, yet again... sad for myself. I started this journey long before she had that first attempt, and here I am, still empty-handed. So my joy is tinged with pain. As so much of this journey is.
A good friend of mine, MH is now in Virginia after moving from California. His wife and twins are still in CA though and will stay there until later this year when they are able to move. For now, she stays there as she has the health insurance. And we all know about the cost of health care in the USA. MH is now working but until his insurance kicks in, and they get out of the apartment lease, his wife will stay in CA.
MH moved and promptly got bored in VA. So I told him to take a long weekend and come up here to visit if he was bored. Lo and behold, he did just that. He was here last weekend and we had a blast with him. He plans to come again for the July 4 weekend. Every two weeks, he has Friday off so he expects to be able to come once per month at least. It's always good to see him.
Other than that, hubby and I just installed new laminate floor in the kitchen. It looks lovely. It was a birthday gift from my mom. And now we're looking for a new front door to replace the old one. Time for an update.
Better than all of that, hubby and I have booked our trip for August. I'll head to Washington DC first to spend time with my sister there as she attends a conference. Then I'll head to Las Vegas where I'll meet up with hubby, MH and his wife, and we'll all attend Fan Faire again for the MMORPG that we play. I'm looking forward to it already, even though the trip will delay our IVF calendar yet again.
A bit of a meme to round this out. Pam tagged me in "One of These Things is Not Like the Other" game. So here we go; five bits of trivia about me. Guess which is false.
- I used to swim competitively.
- I can play the piano fairly well.
- I met Princess Diana and Prince Charles.
- I have lived in four different countries.
- I have been told that I could make very good money doing voiceovers.
Speaking of Pam and V, belated anniversary greetings to you guys. I hope it was a wonderful day to celebrate.
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