A Mile a Minute!

Sort of like last week, these are just a few things I'm mulling over in my brain at the moment. Some nights it would be nice to just settle down to go to sleep and actually GO TO SLEEP rather than having all of this running at top speed through my brain! It's nights like that when I start babbling to Hubby about a hundred and one things and he turns to me, saying, "You're too wound up to sleep aren't you?" Bless his soul. Then he curls his arm around my hip and pulls me close. I get to snuggle beneath the covers and just let all the worries evaporate. Alas... in the morning, the racing thoughts return. Here's a sampling:

ARGH... finances. It's a juggling act isn't it? Seriously? I'm pretty good with finances and managing it all but yikes, it'd be nice to have some of the money that we're due, that's for sure. I'm trying to budget in all the special extras that we like to do, like support the local children's hospital by buying a ticket on the dream home for this year. Or the extras that we need to do, like make sure the snow tires get put on the vehicles before the end of October. Those sorts of things. It all costs money. Would you believe I haven't even done my taxes yet this year? I am sure we'd receive a chunk of change back but I need to actually purchase the software to help me do the taxes and thus, budget in that purchase! It'll all get done, eventually. I need to work it all in though before the end of the year!

Guess what?!!! Petite is going to have a cousin! I've known about this for a little while, but my sister asked that I keep it to myself until she was ready to tell everyone in the family. Anyway, she took that plunge last week, telling our aunts and uncles, and I am really happy for her and my BIL. Assuming all goes well (and I will definitely be keeping my fingers crossed on that count), they'll have their own little one at the end of May. Please God, may everything go smoothly. When we realized that her latest IUI had 'stuck,' I quickly calculated her EDD and the number of weeks she would be when we go on a cruise in the new year. She's cutting it close, but she'll be able to go on the cruise; the company policy is that if you are 24 weeks along or more, no cruise for you! However, she'll be 22 weeks so she just makes the cut-off! Whew! Unfortunately though, her EDD falls about two weeks before my cousin's wedding out west. So she won't be able to attend. That's a shame, but honestly, she's got one of the BEST REASONS EVER for not being able to go!

For almost a year now, Hubby and I have been fairly regular members of a church near our home. We went to a Meet and Greet the other afternoon and I was lucky enough to be able to chat with one of the choir members. When I was younger, I used to sing in both church and school choirs; I love to sing and I sing to Petite all the time. She grins and bounces along, or claps her hands. It's so cute! Since I moved to this province, I have missed out on that and I've frequently longed to find a choir to sing with or some sort of choral activity to participate in. After discussing the church choir with her the other day, I think I'm going to try to make it to their rehearsals. That would be so much fun for me. And it's a wonderful way to get to meet others in the church as well.

Our dear friend Pam over at Baby Wanted: Apply Within just celebrated a milestone birthday... 50 years old! Congratulations sweetie! Pam and her husband V have become good friends of ours and although we will miss next weekend's celebrations for the event, our thoughts will be right there with them. So instead, I'm sending wishes for lots of love and happiness for your birthday and always! Enjoy the festivities and yes, show us the cake when you can please. (Her cakes are just amazing!)

I am thrilled beyond belief for Sandra and Edward over at Alphabet Soup. I've blogged alongside Sandra for a few years now (she just migrated to her current blog awhile ago) and they don't live too far from me. Anyway, after a few years of attempting various procedures -- some here and some at the clinic where we got our own BFP -- she and Edward got very, very lucky. She got pregnant with triplets! A C-section date was set for mid-October, but her water broke last Friday night and the babies have arrived! Congratulations to them on their instant family! I'm so happy for them both. It looks like all three are doing well as they were delivered at 31 weeks gestation. Go say hi if you are so inclined and welcome their triplets to the world!

Yesterday, Petite turned 13 months old. I love to hear her laughter. She is babbling up a storm, and trying to talk on a daily basis. She is quick to reach for her sippy cup when she wants a drink. She definitely knows what she likes and doesn't in the way of food! She still only has three teeth (though the fourth has been bothering her for a bit; I expect it won't be long now). She and I went to her swimming class last Saturday morning and we had a lot of fun. She runs around the living room and down the hallway like she's been doing it forever! She squeals in delight at the cats. She ADORES music of all kinds and usually tries to hum when she hears music being played. She loves going to daycare; in fact, the past day or two have been tough for me to pull her away because she is having so much fun there! She can be gentle and cuddly, or destructive and rough 'n tumble. And she curls into me when she's sleepy and I rub her back, singing softly to her. I'm so in love with this sweet little girl. She just melts my heart.

Also yesterday, on the way home, I heard a song on the radio. It was the #1 hit on Petite's birthday in fact: I Gotta Feelin' by the Black Eyed Peas with will. i. am. I remember hearing that song frequently in the days leading up to her birth, and on her birthday as well. And every time I hear it, I get teary-eyed. I get swept right back to the night of her birth by the memory of our quiet time together on that first night alone in the hospital. The quiet time, after everyone had gone home, lights were dimmed and we could get some shuteye. She lay in her bassinet, sighing and gurgling now and then. I listened to her breathe. I watched her tiny fingers curl. I touched her round cheeks. I sat on my hospital bed and gazed in wonder at her darling little face, enthralled and amazed at the whole experience. I remember singing to myself, "I gotta feelin'... that tonight's gonna be a good night... that tonight's gonna be a good good night... I gotta feelin'." When I hear that song now, it takes me right back there. And I lose myself in the moment that was the night of her birth. It's wonderful. No one has that memory but me. And I cherish it deeply.

I'm getting together the paperwork and organizing dates for various tests/procedures leading up to our appointment in mid-December. One day at a time, and it too will all get done. At least... I have to hope so.

Keiko!!! Oh you done good girl! WOOT! Congratulations to Keiko over at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed. Keiko has won RESOLVE's Hope Award this year for best viral video. Earlier this year, for RESOLVE's Project IF (our own Stirrup Queen wrote extensively on Project IF), Keiko and her husband Larry, produced a wonderful video about infertility and their own story. It made the rounds of the blogosphere and tonight, she receives the award in New York. Congratulations Keiko (and Larry too!) Well deserved. You are a wonderful advocate and I applaud your courage to stand up and put yourselves out there. Well done! If you would like to see Keiko's video, click over to her blog and check out the right sidebar. It's right there on top.

One other thing niggling at my brain this week: where on earth are we going to put the Christmas tree this year?! Our house isn't huge; the living room is Petite's playroom. And while I could put the tree in the dining room (at the front of the house), it's not really conducive for opening gifts on Christmas morning or letting Petite play with toys!! Argh! What to do?! Must figure this out before December 1st.

Happy Blogoversary to Me!

Today's my 4th blogoversary. Amazing how much changes in four years.

And as I mentioned, some things still stay the same. I am thankful every day for Petite. Yet I still hope that maybe, one day, I can give her a little brother or sister.

To that end, I just picked up the phone and made an appointment. We may or may not actually KEEP the appointment, but just knowing we have one makes me excited at the possibility. Then again, I can't let that b*tch "hope" in, now can I? It's obviously far too early for that. We shall see how things develop.

Sending out Happy Birthday wishes to Vee today! I hope she has a wonderful day and gets to spend it with Bubbaboo, her family and friends.

A Post in Points

My brain is scattered this week. So I guess this post will be pretty scattered too. No, I won't apologize for that; it is my blog after all and as such, I get to say what I want here. Deal.

• I'm frustrated with the program that Hubby is doing at school. Well, not with that program specifically, but with the lack of information from Service Canada about Hubby's Employment Insurance claims. Every time he calls for info (and that's been repeatedly during the summer!) he gets a different story. It's maddening. And right now, they've stopped all payments to his account, hus I'm budgeting extremely carefully. Right down to the dollar in fact. And remember, Petite's in daycare so we have to make sure that gets paid of course! That's a must!
  
  
• My right foot is in an aircast. On June 12, I injured my right heel; it was swollen and painful and there was a bump at the back of my heel. After a week, I went to see my GP. She diagnosed bursitis and told me that wearing open-backed shoes would help, physio would help, ice and rest would help and here... take these anti-inflammatory meds for 10 days. A month later, still in pain, I returned to her. She examined me again and said that now, there's an Achilles tendon problem as well. This time, she told me to wear shoes with heels. And here's a different anti-inflammatory but it probably won't do anything if the first one didn't. More rest, get that physio, etc. I sorta shook my head in disbelief. All along, I'm trying to walk and stretch it out, give it some rest (when I can; remember I drive 1 hour to work each way, and need that foot to drive) but the pain is still ever-present. Fast forward: Tuesday past. I went to a walk hobble-in clinic and talked to another doctor. I wanted X-rays to make sure the bone wasn't chipped or fractured. X-rays done the doc beckons me back to a room. "This is a chronic injury. You have a severely compromised and fragile Achilles tendon and now a bone spur." Ugh. He recommended physio, rest, ice, crutches and/or a walking air cast. Rest and ice I can do in spurts at home. Crutches... no. I have a one-year old. Physio... no. (See the above paragraph about my careful budgeting.) An air cast it is. He figures I'll need at least 3 weeks in it to properly rest the tendo and give it the healing time it needs. Not fun.
  
  
• Tomorrow, September 18, 2010 is one to be marked in my family. My sister turns 39 (whoop it up now sis, your time is coming too!) and my parents will celebrate 45 years together. They didn't want to do anything special to celebrate really. I figure my sis and I have five years to plan for the big celebration! Regardless, it's wonderful that they're able to celebrate so many years together. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad! And Happy 39th Little Sis! I love you all so very much and I wish I could be closer to celebrate with you in person.
  
  
• This morning, on my way to work, a wolf ran across the road in front of me. I don't think it was a coyote; I'm not entirely sure though. I suppose it could have been. I saw it at a point along the backroads that I drive, where the leaves have begun to fall from the trees and the brush isn't quite as thick. The weather has certainly turned colder in the last week or two. We roasted all summer long and now with the change of seasons, my thoughts turn to other things. Cozy sweaters and warm, wool scarves. Thick stews and homemade soups. Thanksgiving on the horizon on October 11 (it's earlier in Canada, because obviously our harvest season is earlier, being further north). Our tradition of going to Saunders Farm with the kids and friends for Halloween. Preparing for my mom and aunt's arrival mid-October. Closing up the pool, which we definitely need to do ASAP. Covering our shrubs and taking in the patio furniture. Getting ready for when the snow flies all around. And then Christmas, and where, oh where are we going to put the Christmas tree this year!!?? Eeek! Petite will have it torn apart! I think I'm going to have to rearrange the living room for the holidays.
  
  
• My thoughts are also with Vee as the thinks about whether she ought to downsize and move to be closer to her family. Given my last post, obviously I understand where she's coming from. As Bea said in Vee's comments, there are lots of types of support, emotional and practical. And sometimes we just need to have physical closeness to the important people in our lives. Oh I hear that loud and clear! I can relate. I hope whatever decision Vee makes, she gets the support that she needs. Obviously she's far from me so I can't help her with that type of support either. But I am definitely thinking of her and I know she'll do whatever is right for her and Bubbaboo.
  
  
• Also thinking of Holly who contacted me by e-mail. She's about 15 weeks along and dealing with a subchorionic bleed and a high risk for Down Syndrome (1:155 I think. Don't quote me.) She was asking me about how I determined I wanted the amniocentesis (my ratio was 1:75 if you remember) and what ratio I, personally, would have been comfortable with. She and her husband are grappling with that question right now and she, like me, is terrified of having the amnio and losing her baby in the process. I can certainly relate. I hope she and her husband make the right decision for them, whatever it might be. And something that helped me is... will knowing the result determine your course of action? That's the one question that kept me going. And holding the pic of Petite in my hand as the procedure was done. Sure I cried all the way through it. But we made it. And I am sure Holly could get through it too. Sending hugs Holly; I'll reply to your last e-mail in a day or so. Promise.
  
  
• And my heart aches for Sprogblogger. Oh, how I cried this morning as I read her post. She is due to have her baby on September 18. And her due date is the same day that her brother will bury his son, her nephew. And she is heartbroken that she cannot be there for her family on the other side of the country right now as they mourn such a terrible loss. The sweet little boy, a mere four years old (and autistic) climbed over a supposedly childproof fence and fell into the backyard swimming pool. Sprogblogger's brother gave his son CPR until paramedics arrived, and the doctors thought he might pull through. Alas... as she writes, "in the end, his little body had just been through too much. They let him go yesterday, surrounded by family and friends, held tight in the arms of his father and mother." I cried and cried. And I am reminded of my own mother's intense fears surrounding the fact that we too have a pool in our backyard. While I do my utmost to protect Petite (obviously), accidents CAN happen. Honestly, I couldn't fathom something like that happening; I don't know if I would get through it. Please God, I'll never have to find out if I would. It does scare me. But I can only do my absolute best to ensure that Petite is safe. Sure it worries me. Maybe after Hubby finishes his education, we'll be living elsewhere anyway. Regardless, today Sprogblogger is mourning the senseless loss of her little nephew. Go show her some love and let her know you care.
  
  
• Irritation is at an all-time high at my office. I won't get into details. Suffice it to say, some people are incompetent. Others are downright rude. And I have to say, some others are engaging in what I would term as harrassment (but you might not). Not cool. Not cool at all. I continue to keep my eyes open for other opportunities, specifically at home. Wouldn't that be nice? Ah, pipe dreams my friends. However, I get my work done and do my day and try to stay away from the D.R.A.M.A. And when needed, I point to the trusty sign on my wall to remind people that "A lack of preparation on your behalf does not constitute an emergency on mine."
  
  
• Early in December, I'd like to go see Great Big Sea. They're coming as part of the tour to promote "Safe Upon The Shore" (thank you to my Aunt B who bought it for us while I was home this summer). Must try to find a babysitter for that if we can swing it to budget in the cost of the tickets.
  
  
• Petite is still loving daycare. We're lucky she enjoys it so much! I need to try to find some waterproof splash pants and such for her. Her jeans and pants are getting damp with the cooler weather because she frequently ends up on her bum! On October 8, our caregiver would like to extend her Thanksgiving weekend and go out of town to watch her older son play hockey. I'll probably take a day off and extend my Thanksgiving weekend too so I can spend it with Petite.
  
  
• And would you believe that my Blogoversary is coming up next week on the 23rd? Four years. For four years I've been blogging about infertility and our personal journey. How things have changed. And yet they stay the same; now I'm wondering if we ought to try for a sibling for Petite. Do we dare?! Eeek. Time will tell.
  

Scattered much? You bet. That's life at the moment I'm afraid. I hope you and yours have a wonderful weekend. Signing off for now.

Daycare & Moving?

And so it begins.

Daycare.

Aka, OMG, My Little Girl is Growing Up.

Today, as students across Canada return to school and embark on a new year of learning, we too joined the throngs of parents preparing their children for their busy day ahead.

Our sweet Petite is now in daycare.

We've prepared her as much as possible for the transition. We have spent a number of days with the caregiver at her home, and with the other children. We fed her there, let her play there, nap there and just enjoy her day in the company of the caregiver and the kids.

However, on this day, I had to walk out and close the door behind me, leaving our daughter in the (very capable!) caregiver's arms. All went well, and I dropped her off at the appointed time with no trouble, complete with a ton of stuff that she'll need in the days ahead.

Diapers, wipes, change pad
Stuffed toy, receiving blanket
Bottles, sippy cup
Baby cereals, veggies, homogenized milk
Sunscreen, teething medicines, an extra soothie and a hat (though she hates hats; I doubt she'll wear it at all!)
Extra sets of clothing; for cool and warm weather
Slippers/shoes for inside the house
List of foods she's tried or enjoys
An approximate schedule of her days at our home

I laid down the bags in the caregiver's house. As I placed Petite in the caregiver's arms, I had a few moments to say hello to some of the other parents and their kids who were right behind me when I dropped Petite off. Amid all the "I love you's" and "See you laters" from the kids and their parents, I kissed Petite, stroked her head, whispered "I love you. Je t'aime ma Petite," and told the caregiver I would call later to check on her. She said, "Have a good day, Mom." And with that and one last kiss, I said "Bye bye," waved to my baby girl, Petite waved bye bye to me, and I turned and left.

No tears.

Okay, not MANY tears.

She's in great hands, and that's what is important to me.

I called about an hour ago to get an update and she's doing great. The caregiver told me about her morning, her food, nap and her day in general. All is going perfectly. I could not ask for more.


Thinking about Making a Move
As Petite is growing up, I think about where I want her to go to school. I wonder about the environment in which we want to raise her. I would like her to develop a close relationship with my parents even though they are very far away. (Hubby's parents are here, but alas, they're not close with us at all. I sometimes wish they were.)

I see too that my parents are getting older; my father will be 70 next year and later on this month, Mom and Dad will celebrate 45 years of marriage. They aren't as young as they once were, and I realize that and recognize it every time I return to my home province to visit them. Dad no longer drives, and Mom cannot walk all that well. So even simple errands can be a chore. Nevertheless, having a house like theirs is not going to be possible much longer; there are too many stairs, too much upkeep and it's frankly much larger than they need. Mom told me a few weeks ago that "You do realize that this might be the last time you're in this house." I knew the day was coming, but I guess I envisaged it a little further in the future. It was sad to earmark items that I might want to have in my home when/if the house goes up for sale.

I expect that in the spring, Mom and Dad will put the house on the market and probably move into a retirement condo. One where Dad doesn't have to worry about seeing well enough to mow the lawn (and do a good job!) or Mom won't ache as she gets up and down stairs. I sort of hoped they might consider moving a little closer to me, but I certainly understand why they want to stay in their home province.

And I see too that many things have changed there, but much has stayed the same. I still have a great network of friends and family there of course; people who are amazing and on whom I can count at every turn. (Sometimes I wonder if I have that here in the capital.)

Hubby is in school at the moment, and will be for another two years. He finishes in April 2012. After that... where to? Do we stay here or do we contemplate moving back east? His skills will be easily transferable, though mine a little less so. But if I start looking now, who knows?

Two recent events have brought this to the forefront for me:

Firstly, my brother-in-law is burying his 62-year old father today. Mike's death was quite sudden and we were quite shocked on Saturday to learn of his passing. He's been ill in recent months (uncontrolled diabetes has essentially ravaged his body) so while it's been a decline, his death was unexpected at this point. It just underlines how much we need to cherish the loved ones that we do have with us and make the most of every moment.

Secondly, a recent post by Steph at Finding Chaos. Steph and Carey are raising their three children and just made the move from California to Florida to be closer to their families. Steph writes:
"We’ve now been “home” in Florida for 6 weeks. I can tell you that in the weeks and even days leading up to our big move, we questioned whether it was the correct decision. I think even the night before we embarked on our cross country journey, while we lay on an air mattress in our empty house, we wondered out loud if we were making the right decision for our family. I think it’s always easier to stay put. Change takes risk. It’s not that things were bad in California. Quite the contrary actually. They were great! I had an amazing job, Carey also had a great work situation… my children were in good hands with our nanny whom they loved dearly and we had a great group of friends who had become our California chosen family. Yet it was the distance from our actual family that was the impetus for the move. Having my daughter hug the computer when she wanted to hug her Gamma on sk.ype is no way to grow up."

Right there my friends, right THERE is why I want to move back home. Something to think about. Something to think long and hard about.

Love to all in blogland. Until next time.

One Year Ago Today...

... our quest was fulfilled.

One year ago, Petite came into our lives (after a long 45 hours between my water breaking and her début!).

One year ago, our lives changed.

Forever.

On Wednesday past, we took her for her 12-month appointment. She is 9.98 kg (just shy of 22 lbs; I thought she was about 24 actually!), and 76 cms (29"). She is firmly in the 50th percentile and that's absolutely perfect. She's walking/running around the house. It's amazing. She gets so extremely excited when she tries to play with the cats or when we play 'chase' with her that she'll lose motor control, dissolving into fits of giggling laughter!

In the food department

She has almost completely made the switch to homogenized milk (3.5%); we only have a little bit of formula left so we'll use it up instead of wasting it. She prefers smooth foods to chunky solids still (she still only has two teeth!) so we give her cereals and some pureed stuff to make sure she has the nutrition she needs, and she sits with us at the table in her high chair and has finger foods afterwards. She's tried lots of solids though: pineapple, apples, grapes (cut of course), blueberries, all types of melon. She's like her Nana and big (half-) brother and loves crackers, toast, macaroni or anything carb-related! She loves carrots and peas, squash and some corn. She likes chicken better than beef, but sort of enjoyed some ground beef that she attempted. She loves to gnaw on pizza crusts. She guzzles water like crazy, but hates juices and will usually only take milk from someone else; she doesn't like to hold her milk bottle at all!

In the motor skills area

She loves turning pages of a book (backwards, forwards, sideways, any way at all!). She likes her stacking cups and cups in general and puts things in and out of them easily. She deftly picks up a tuft of cat fur and comes to me with it and I say "Ta ta / Merci" as she hands it to me for disposal. (Ha, great vacuum cleaner huh?) She loves to pull all the toys out of her toybox; alas, she refuses to put them back again. Rather destructive of her, isn't it? She loves soft blankets and cuddly, plush toys, burying her face in them with a huge smile when she gets one in her hands. She will dance to any sort of music at all, even music on TV commercials, wiggling her bum and moving up and down when she hears a tune. She mastered using a straw-style sippy cup while we were visiting my family and she likes that style of cup better than anything else now. However, when she's had enough, FLING! The cup goes flying onto the floor. We're trying to teach her to simply set it down, but so far, that lesson hasn't been learned. She loves water and the bath but I wish she wouldn't try to drink it every night! (And the one time she had an 'accident' in the bath, she subsequently tried to reach out and play with it! I quickly put the kaibosh on that! That's icky! Ewww!)

Petite's Personality

She's open and outgoing. She smiles at EVERYONE when we're out and strangers stop us frequently to tell us how cute she is. She is inquisitive, picking at every little button and knob she can get at. She even tries to reach for the garbage can through the rails of the baby gate, just to see how it opens! She is extremely active, never content to just sit and cuddle for long, as there's always something she wants to do! She loves the outdoors and animals, though big dogs sometimes scare her. She's happy, smiles a lot and loves to be with people in general. She enjoys seeing other little children; I know that people her own size fascinate her!

First Words?

I think (with a real emphasis on think) that she's saying a few words. It's odd, because what are regular syllables that she's been practising for months now have morphed into words here and there. Yesterday, while I was at work, she was upset about something and Hubby couldn't soothe her. She repeated, "Mama" over and over and was visibly elated when I came home, so we know it was a word in context rather than just the repetition of syllables. She will say "Dada" and "tickle" (though I think it's more like "tico" but it sounds darn close!). She is trying to say "meow-meow" too, again, stemming from her love of the cats.

And as for me, I'm back at work. I went back to the office on Monday, August 23. It's hard. Oh dear Lord, it's oh so hard to kiss her goodbye in the morning. I've had to change my office hours to accommodate the caregiver's open/close times and that means I'm battling with traffic more than I used to. Not fun. But I'll deal with it.

She's still at home with Hubby for the moment. She starts at the caregiver's on Tuesday, September 7. We've been there a number of times and the last time we went, she even took an hour-long nap in the pack-and-play there. She's comfortable with the caregiver (whew!) and honestly, so am I.

She has learned so many things in the last year. It's incredible to watch an infant grow and develop. I am amazed. And grateful. And so very blessed.

Happy Birthday Petite! May you have many, many more!

Sleeping in my own bed is a novelty.

My my, but time flies. In less than a week, Petite will be 11 months old; it feels like I blinked and a year went POOF! What the heck happened? July has been a total whirlwind of activity.

The 2nd was a rough day; Petite was teething. I was supposed to go watch a friend's son at his lacrosse game but it just didn't happen because of Petite being so very out of sorts. A bit of pain medication and a bottle and she took an extra long nap, which was sorely needed by the time she went down.

On the 8th, we spent a few hours at a friend's house. T just had a baby boy and before he gets too big, we really wanted to see him and T's little girl as well. Unfortunately Petite won't be able to attend the little girl's upcoming birthday party. I wish we were going to be here for that, it would be fun. We'll have to hope that she can come to Petite's party in August. Anyway, it was a lovely few hours to spend with T, her mom and both of her children. Petite had fun seeing new toys and experiencing someone else's house for a bit!

On the 9th, we spent the morning at the caregiver's house with the other children there. That was fun too; Petite was able to sit and play a bit with them, but obviously she's the youngest there so she can't quite do everything that they do yet. She'll get there. It was a great opportunity for Petite to spend time with the caregiver and get used to being there; my return to work is fast approaching much to my disgust. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy working and all. But I hate the thought of leaving my little girl in the arms of someone else for five days straight when all I get is a couple of hours in the evening to spend with her before she goes to bed. It's not going to be easy on me at all. That's for sure. How do moms do it? I dunno. I guess I gotta figure that out though, right? Ugh. Talk about pulling at my heartstrings...

Starting on the 12th, we took a five-day driving trip to New Brunswick to see family members; three or four of whom hadn't yet met Petite but were eager to get hugs and kisses from our little sweetie. And it was a wonderful trip. I had the opportunity to see my cousin who lives out west (he's an RCMP officer) and he brought his fiancée home (she too is an officer). Family flew up and drove up to get together. One night at dinner, there were 11 of us. So absolutely wonderful to see them all... and all in the one place. Hopefully when the wedding is held next year out west, we can all do it again, and more will be able to join us.

For Petite, it was a journey that was full of firsts: first car trip (of any substantial distance), first night in a hotel, first night sleeping in the travel pack-and-play that we have, first time to meet said family members, etc. It was loads of fun and she did really well. Although I have to say that by the time we finally got back home, she was none too pleased with her car seat and I was glad to have a break from having to strap her into it... yet again!

We returned home on the 17th from that jaunt to the East Coast and then after two glorious nights in our own beds, turned right around and last week, we spent five days and four nights in the great outdoors. Tent camping with an infant... now THAT'S a blast and a half!!

We went with our good friends, K and her daughter K, and Hubby's two teenaged children. The seven of us went camping in a provincial park in Quebec and we loved it! It was hot on our first full day though, and of course Petite was out of her element entirely so she was not herself. By the second full day she found her groove though and was more comfortable, eating and drinking normally and sleeping better as well. We had some amazing experiences on the trip. Marshmallows and S'mores over the campfire at night. Scattering peanuts to attract the chipmunks and instead seeing a family of baby racoons and their mom come to our site to feed. Watching an incredible lightshow of thunder and lightning in the distance, after it had passed over us... it lasted almost 4 hours in total. Canoeing on the lake with my friend, and then with Hubby. Swimming in that same lake, and then taking Petite swimming at another lake close by with a sandy bottom; she loved it! Letting Petite try campfire toast and also pancakes (she enjoyed both, by the way). Watching the sky at night, and seeing a falling star. Trading stories with the kids and my friend one afternoon, snacking on munchies and letting Petite nap beside us in her pack-and-play. We returned yesterday, and today, I'm up to my eyeballs in washing. Every stitch that we brought smells of woodsmoke! Lovely when you're in the great Canadian wilderness, not so hot when you're at the shopping mall!

An update on another topic:
We did get a new car seat for Petite; it's the First Years True Fit (Rebound) car seat. We'd debated between the Safety 1st Complete Air or the Britax Boulevard seats, but when we got a good look at the True Fit, and after talking to a reliable source about all three models, we selected the True Fit and we're really pleased with it. I expect I'll be taking it home with me when I fly to Newfoundland in a few days' time just so I can ensure that I have a good, reliable car seat with me on the trip.

Yes indeed, another trip. Petite and I leave on Tuesday (her 11-month birthday) to fly to see my family for three weeks. It'll be the first time since January that my dad (Poppy in this blog) will see her. Nana (my mom) has come to see her on a couple of occasions since January so it won't be such a shock for her, but Poppy will see a huge difference in Petite between her development at 4 months and now at 11 months. What a change! While we're there, we'll have her one-year photos done, complete with a cake smash, and hopefully we'll be able to drive to the bay where my mom grew up and visit family and friends out there who've never met Petite either.

I am sure it sounds a tad morbid, but you know, I would love... really really LOVE to take her to my maternal grandparents' gravesite and "show" her to them. I was very close with my mom's parents and a beautiful photo of them hangs in my home. I know they would have loved to meet Petite and they would have been spectacular great-grandparents to her. I wish Petite could have that. In any case, when we go 'around the bay' to my mom's home, I usually find a few moments to spend at my grandparents' graves, just to connect with them again and remind them how much I miss them. I hope I can bring Petite there and let them meet her. Does that sound silly? Stupid? Insane? I don't know. To me, it sounds right. But then again, I'm a sentimental fool sometimes. One of my quirks I guess. What do you think? Should I take her there? Or is it best avoided? What would you do?

As for her development: Petite is cruising with ease (aka furniture walking as Hubby calls it). She is pulling herself to a standing position, both using furniture and using nothing at all! She rocks in place, sort of bouncing when she hears music of any sort (I sing to her all the time). And all of this lead to her taking her first single step on July 9. Just one step mind you, but she did it before flopping down on her bottom. We were so pleased to see it! She did it again while we were on our driving trip to NB as well: we were stopped at a rest area to let her stretch her legs and she was extremely engrossed by other little children. Barefoot in the grass, she took a hesitant step forward before she wobbled and plopped down.

She's experimenting with solid food too. Last night, she had chicken and peas for dinner. Tonight, she had whole milk in her own cup (rather than desperately sneaking some of the 1% milk from us!), peas, and some Cheerios. I expect she's well on the road to solids now so I'm going to have to figure out what she will eat and can eat until a few more teeth come in. She still only has two, but she's doing okay with those already!

She loves the water but I wish I could get her to stay sitting for her baths! Why is it that Hubby has no problem when he bathes her? Argh! It's like pulling teeth to get her to stay on her bottom instead of pulling at me to stand up!

Her syllables are getting more complex and she's able to repeat sounds. We've had her saying "Ma ma ma ma" and "Da da da da" as well as "Na na na na," "no no no no" (she picked that one up quickly!) and she tries to repeat "tickle tickle tickle" with a LOT of success! She knows many words in both French and English and boy, does she love her books! Then again, she loves trying to grab for the phone or the remote, or Daddy's electronics, so I'm not sure if she'll take after me or Hubby! The things that are yet to uncover... it's all so incredible.

And every day I remain awestruck that we have been so blessed. For there are many who would give much to walk in my shoes.

Anger's First Surfacing

It happened for the first time tonight.



I got angry at my daughter.

She had a pretty good day, although because of extreme heat, she didn't get outside like we wanted her to. It was just too hot here (temps of 33 degrees with a humidex of 38 or 39) and we were super uncomfortable. The AC has been running non-stop all day.

This afternoon, she went down for a nap, but she didn't nap well; only about 20 or 30 mins. Usually she's taking naps of 1 to 1.5 hours. Hubby was the one who put her down; he figures the heat was bothering her. Anyway, she was up much earlier than usual and a little fussy. Hubby gave her something for her teeth (the bottom right one is almost through her gums, the left one is up already).

At supper she ate fairly well, although she doesn't want her food warmed when temps are sticky like this, and she sat and played or cruised around furniture while Hubby and I ate a quick bite. He had to go to work, and so he was out the door by 6:30 and I ran her bath by 6:45. She took her bath really well... as usual she loves the water. I dressed her in thin pyjamas; a two-piece set in fact, thinking that it would be cooler for her to sleep in.

She played again for awhile, and around 7:40 I noticed a lull in her activity. That's usually my cue to get her bottle in her and settle her for bed. Bottle ready, I read her a story (Goodnight Moon) and she guzzled the full six ounces without looking up. She refused to settle down though, and I shifted her a dozen times, trying to cool her off and trying to get her comfortable. She gave a couple of good burps but she still didn't doze off. I set her down on the floor to play again while I prepared another bottle. She took about an ounce or so of that but still refused to settle to sleep. She cried, squealed, wriggled, arched her back, did it all. Eventually I put her down to play again.

By 8 p.m., she was exhausted. Rubbing her eyes, she was up on her knees and crying at me; she was completely beside herself with sleep. But she refused. This little girl fights sleep. HARD. Finally I just took her into her bedroom, and put her in her crib. I tried to give her a little more formula... she refused. So I turned on the monitor and slipped out. That's when the screaming and screeching started. She did that for about 20 minutes, and then I heard a 'thunk' and a halt to the noise, before it started in earnest. I ran in to see what happened.

Little girl's arms are longer and she's taller, so she could reach a set of photo albums in a wooden box and hauled them into the crib, on top of herself. I think she got more of a fright than anything; she certainly wasn't hurt. I put them back and took her out of her crib, into our room where it was cooler and quiet. She was so tuckered out, but still she twisted and turned in my arms. I rubbed her back like she likes. I smoothed back her damp hair. I made sure she had her Soothie. I rocked back and forth on the bed with her. Finally, she found a position she was sort of comfortable in, lying face down across my forearm, and I gently swayed her into what I hoped would be dreamland.

When I thought she was dozy enough to set down in her crib, I got up and did that. And whammo... wide awake. She scooched way up her crib on her knees and forearms, and rolled over to stand up. I went out of the bedroom, turning off the light and listened yet again to her hollering and yet again, she pulled down the photo albums. Enough was enough. By this time, it was after 9 p.m. and I was thoroughly frustrated.

I frowned. I admonished. I told her repeatedly that it was time for sleep and Mommy needed to rest too. I had had it and I was at my wit's end. She was sitting in her crib, crying and I reached in to lay her down again. Just as I did... "bleah"... she vomited a little bit right into my hand. I was within striking distance of her facecloths so I grabbed one to wipe my hand, and then her chin. And as I did... "bleah" again. The cloth caught most of it. I turned to throw that one in the hamper and get another, and while I did, "bleah" a third time and a virtual white river of semi-digested, sour-smelling formula came up. It spilled all over her chest and legs. All over her jammies. All over her cribsheet, and through to the underpad.

I took a moment to just breathe. I stripped her down to her diaper and grabbed another cloth, ran it under warm water to wipe her skin. Then I sat her on the floor while I stripped her bed and changed it. But as children are wont to do, she wouldn't stay there of course. No no. She had to try to chase the meow-meows. Then into Mommy's and Daddy's bedroom to grab at whatever she could reach. Then down the hall to the bathroom and try to get her bath toys off the edge of the tub. I was ready to pull out my hair! Chasing her (she's supposed to be asleep) the cats meowing to be fed, smelly stinky sour bedclothes in my arms and trying to change her sheets. ARGH!

I got her changed, and bundled her under one arm like a football. I was ready to scream with frustration. I took her back out to the living room... and as I did, it hit me.

I was angry. But even in my anger and frustration, this sweet little girl was grabbing at my shirt with her pudgy little fists. She was clinging to me (dear Lord, I hope it wasn't out of fear...) and she was as quiet as a mouse as I stomped through the house with her, sweat pouring from my forehead. I plunked her down in the living room and she unclenched her fists from my shirt and just looked at me. I sat in the rocking chair, feeling completely alone, and did what I needed to do: I started to count to ten and just breathe.

One... breathe Gil. Just breathe.



Two...



Three...

I heard her crawl towards me.



Four... breathe... you can do this.



Five...



And a little hand touched my knee as she stood up and patted my leg.





I broke down and wept.

I was so, so so terribly sorry for having even felt one moment of anger. I don't think I have the right to feel that towards her. I know it's inevitable that anger will come into play now and then as you raise a child. But honestly, after going through what we have, after doing all that we did, after recognizing that so many in this world would give so very much to have what I have today, do I really and truly have the right to be angry? EVER?? I don't think so. Honestly, I don't think so. But I know that's a pitfall of infertility. Can I marry what I know is inevitable with what my heart feels I should never, ever do? I don't know. I just don't know.

And then, to realize that I was angry at my daughter and honestly, she was just not feeling well. I definitely don't have THAT right. That's for sure. I do realize that.

I have never been as sorry as I was tonight. I picked her up, wiped my tear-stained face and held her tightly, kissing her sweet cheeks and smoothing her damp hair. And as I rocked back and forth with her and she finally, peacefully, drifted off to sleep, the mantra in my head droned: I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Oh baby girl, Mommy is so very very sorry.

Please forgive me.

Never have I been so sorry.



She went to sleep. I kissed her a dozen times. I set her down in her crib and I buried my face in my hands. Can I ever learn to forgive myself? I don't think so.

A Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin On

June 23 was a pretty unforgettable day. For a number of reasons.

I admit, I was cranky -- I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of PMS -- and hubby and I had our first real argument since Petite was born. They say not to argue in front of the children right? Fair enough. Petite was heading down for a nap anyway. Well, supposedly. Kinda. Maybe? Let's put it this way: she was SUPPOSED to take her morning nap but she wasn't having any of that so she wailed and screeched and fussed in her crib while he and I argued and we finally brought her out to the living room to be with us but that means that she heard a lot of our disagreement. Ugh. Not fair to her, I know. Must make a better effort in that department...

Then, just when my blood pressure was settling down, I was reading a few blogs and I heard a rattling and the floor started to shake. For a split second, I thought that one of the heavy trucks from the construction up the street had passed in front of our house. But it went on, and on and blammo... it hit me. Earthquake.

Now as some of you may know, I lived in Japan for three years. And while I was there, I had the opportunity to feel a lot of earthquakes. Some very minor. Some pretty major. I was living in Japan when the Kobe earthquake of 1995 hit and thousands lost their lives. Although I didn't live anywhere near Kobe, I felt that one for sure. It was early morning, and I was getting dressed for work. Before I left my apartment, I was seeing the first reports of it on the Japanese morning news. I remember I picked up the phone and quickly called my parents; they were out so I left a message to the effect that we had gone through a pretty severe quake but not to worry, I was fine and heading off to work for the day. Well, as that day went on, we realized just how severe that quake was. My parents later told me how glad they were that I had contacted them first to let them know I was fine... well before the phone lines got jammed up.

Anyway, at about 1:40 on June 23, I felt that same, familiar shaking. I heard that same, familiar rumbling. I was in the kitchen on our laptop, Petite and Hubby were in the living room. As I was jumping up to grab Petite, she was crawling towards me at top speed and wailing in fear. I scooped her up, held her tight and the three of us headed out the back door and into our backyard. If I were downtown or in a major city centre, being outside is more dangerous as falling buildings and debris can be a problem. Here in the suburbs, there's a lot more open space so outside is probably the best place to be. Short of that, find the heaviest, sturdiest piece of furniture and get underneath it. A solid oak dining table comes to mind! So there we were, outside and waiting, waiting, waiting for the shaking to stop. It seemed like an eternity but in reality, it was probably 20 to 30 seconds that the major shaking was happening. Petite was swiveling in my arms, trying frantically to find out where the noise and tremors were coming from. She looked at me like, "Mom, what the heck is this? I'm scared!" and all I could do was hold her and wait for it to subside. When the trembling stopped, we gave it a minute or two and then went back inside.

The first thing I did was pick up the phone and call my folks. Guaranteed they would hear about this and fast and if I knew them, they were going to worry. I left them a message. "Hey Mom and Dad, it's me. So I'm leaving you a message very similar to one you got many years ago while I was in Japan. We've just had an earthquake. Bet you didn't think I'd ever have to say that in Canada did you?! Well, we did but we're fine. Petite is fine. The house is fine. So don't worry. We'll talk later. Love you!"

The first thing Hubby did was start searching the web for reports of the quake. At first, nothing. But after about 5 or 8 minutes, we started to see reports and within 30 minutes, we had the details. It was a 5.0 quake on the Richter scale (originally pegged at 5.5, it was downgraded). It was centred in Val-des-Bois, Québec, about 40 km (25 miles) from where we live and about 15 km beneath the earth's surface. Pretty close. It was felt as far away as Ohio and Boston and was the most significant quake this area has felt in a very, very long time. Needless to say, it was a first for me in Canada but I'm glad I knew what to do.

Also, on June 23, one of my friends, T, had a c-section as she was almost at term with baby #2. (Yes, baby #1 was a c-section as well so she and her docs opted to schedule a c-section for this one.) Two years ago, she had her daughter using donor sperm (she's a single mom by choice) and today, she gave birth to a full sibling for her daughter... a baby boy this time around. Over 9 lbs by all reports! Can't wait to see him. I believe both mom and baby are doing well.

And I can finally give you a report regarding Petite: she has teeth! (I realize that could have been part of her crankiness on the 23rd as well.) Her two bottom teeth have finally made an appearance, right before she turns 10 months old. We've suspected teething for a bit and the doctor saw that her gums were flattened and ready for those little pearly whites to make an appearance soon. Well, after all of our suspicions, I found them for sure on June 24; I figure the earthquake shook them right up and out through her gums! WOOT for teeth!

Now if you will excuse me, there's a rather pungent baby in the next room. I believe Mommy's on duty for a diaper change. Love to you all in blogland!

Father's Day

I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge all the Fathers and Dads (yes, each of those is different) out there today.

Much like Mother's Day is hard for us women who are TTC, so too is Father's Day for those who are praying, hoping and wishing for a child to call them "Daddy." Some of them don't talk about it and just brush it under the mat, trying to deny or hide their feelings. Some are open about it and are vocally expressing thoughts, ideas and talking about legislation in the TTC community. Some of them have blogs, some used to have blogs, and some loathe the idea of blogging. Some of them will spend the day feeling like something is missing from their lives. Some will carry on as if today is just another day and it's no big deal.

But each of them holds a little hope that one day, one day, just maaaaayyyyybeee... there'll be a little boy or girl in their arms giving them a plaster of Paris mold of a handprint and planting sloppy kisses on their whiskered cheeks.

And for each of those men, I hope that you and your partner find your way through these twisted roads in the "Land of IF." May your hopes and dreams come true, sooner rather than later. Please know that we women understand that you too are dealing with your own grief when it comes to infertility, even if you don't express it in the same way we do. Sometimes we don't know how to help you through it, but talking about it with us is probably a very good first step.

And keep hoping. Never give up. There IS a way. There is ALWAYS a way.

So to all the Fathers and Dads out there -- biological, step, adoptive, foster, in-law, 'like a Father', dads-in-waiting, dads-to-be, dads who have passed on (be it when their child is old or young), and all the Moms who are both Mom and Dad -- I want to wish you a very happy day. Thank you for taking the time to shape a child's life and loving them unconditionally. To my own father, Happy Father's Day, Dad! This is his first year as a Grandpa on Father's Day and I made sure Petite sent a card to her Poppy. To Hubby, Petite is lucky to have you for a Da-Da! Happy first Father's Day... again!

Upgrading Petite's Car Seat! Among other things...

Well now, it's been awhile since I've posted but it's cause I have a ton of things on my plate. What else is new, right?

First up, a few medical procedures for my friend K. She, like me, is having her gallbladder removed in the coming days so I'm trying to help her out in preparation for that. She is having some work done on one of her teeth too, but because of the cancer and surgery scars and all that, it's hella hard to freeze her so a root canal is taking not one, not two, but at least THREE appointments. Ugh. Poor lady. I can only encourage her and be there for her... and drive her when she's woozy with drugs!

Her daughter just celebrated her 13th birthday and we surprised the heck outta her by taking her and some friends to a new (huge!) water park that just opened near here. Calypso is fantastic! If you are in the vicinity, go check it out. What a blast we had!

Petite is about to outgrow her infant car seat so I'm investigating options and styles. I've heard great things about the Britax Boulevard style and the Safety 1st Complete Air LX. Maybe some of you can weigh in with your thoughts? (Saje, if you're reading, I'd love to hear what you think!)

And we have a super busy month ahead. Okay, two months. A jaunt to the east coast to see family who haven't met Petite yet. A four-day camping trip with the stepkids and our friends. (If you've gone tent-camping with an infant, I'd love to hear your tips/tricks!) Then Petite and I fly home to see my family for three weeks... and right after that, I go back to work. Yes indeed, my year of maternity leave is almost at an end. I've enjoyed every moment and I HATE to have to leave Petite with a caregiver. But I must and I will. And many tears will flow. Guaranteed.

I'm thrilled to say that Vee's backyard fundraiser raised oodles of money for Rainbows for Kate. I wish I could have been there myself, but it's wonderful to see so many people come out and donate in celebration of Max's life. I know he was watching over all of the festivities and I bet he was grinning from ear to ear! Well done Vee! *claps*