Imagine my surprise this morning when I reached out to grab the morning newspaper, to find an envelope with my name on it in my mailbox as well. I was perplexed; who would drop a card in my mailbox? A friend? A neighbor? There was no stamp or address, just my first name on the envelope.
I brought the newspaper in and laid it down before turning the card over and opening it. I pulled out a pretty card with a lovely print of a painting on the cover. I opened it. And as I read the words therein, tears came to my eyes and my throat had a distinctive lump in it.
The card was indeed from my neighbor, Mary, who lives across the street. She’s a sweet friend and she’s been pulling for us for a long time… both her and her husband Marc. Once in awhile they comment here. Anyway, with Mary’s permission, this is what she wrote:
Hi Gil,
I know you’ve been having such a roller coaster time but at least you are now on the ride. I know some of those upcoming drop offs may seem scary but try to just take a deep breath and go with it. Try hard to live in the now and not what might happen. There is at least one constant. You are a very special person who has touched so many lives and made everyone’s life that you have touched that much better. No matter what happens, enjoy today. Give yourself permission to be happy and content. Stop! Be still! Just “BE”.
If you ever need anything, even just a shoulder or a hug, I’m just across the street.
Mary
Bless you Mary my dear. You made me cry and I am so grateful to have you and your husband in my life as both neighbors and friends. We all need friends like you and I thank heaven that I’ve got some of the best friends around.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
I Gave In
Yesterday I gave in.
At 17 weeks 5 days, I finally bought a few items of maternity clothing.
I popped out to Motherhood Maternity at a local shopping centre and picked up a pair of simple black pants (boot cut) and two summery blouses, one a lovely green that makes my reddish hair colour pop, and the other a pretty cream, olive and peach flowery thing with a bit of lace around the hem and neckline that I fell in love with. Today, for the first time, I wore maternity clothing (the pants) to work, and not just my regular clothing with the tummy sleeve (aka bella band) that I've been making do with until now.
Can you spell "relief" boys and girls? I knew you could!
Honest to heaven, I was so much more comfortable today! I feel like in the last week or two my belly has expanded to incredible proportions and it's become a point of absolute necessity to look for other clothing. Some of my regular shirts are still okay of course, especially those with empire waists and the like. However a few pairs of pants cannot come close to closing around my belly. They fit great in the legs and the ass, but around the tummy? No way! It's downright painful to even try! Frankly, It's starting to get blatantly obvious that I'm "in the family way!" I went back today and picked up an orange coloured T-shirt for summer and a pair of brown pants that will be great when warmer weather hits.
On Wednesday, we have the first of six prenatal classes. I'm still thinking it's way too soon to do anything like that but apparently they advise that you at least start them around your 18th week, and I hit that mark tomorrow. So we'll give it a shot. I still feel like an imposter though. Does that feeling ever go away when you're infertile? I dunno. It's still hard to relax though and enjoy this.
However, that was the exact advice I got from my local RE today. He called bright and early this morning to let us know that he had just received the faxed RAD results and that everything looked perfect. He was genuinely happy for us; I could hear it in his voice. This is the same man who did all our IUIs and who's seen us through 5+ years of TTC. "Gil, you can relax. I promise. It was a pure false positive. The tests on the pertinent chromosomes (aka 13, 18 and 21) are all normal. Try to enjoy this." I countered with, "If the RAD results came back negative, is there ANY POSSIBLE way that the full results that we get in 2 weeks or so could show something different?" He said, "No. Because you already tested negative for spina bifida and neural tube defects, that's been ruled out. And now we've ruled out Down syndrome. So you can truly relax. Please. Try to enjoy this. You've both worked so hard for it and come so far; you need to enjoy this."
He's right. It's long past time I enjoy this.
I think I'm going to put together the nursery furniture this week.
Oh yeah... and how appropriate that hubby and I took Petit to his/her first concert! Great Big Sea played here on Saturday night and we had an absolute blast! The baby Newf likes Newfie music too; I felt a kick or two during some of the most rollicking songs! WOOT!
At 17 weeks 5 days, I finally bought a few items of maternity clothing.
I popped out to Motherhood Maternity at a local shopping centre and picked up a pair of simple black pants (boot cut) and two summery blouses, one a lovely green that makes my reddish hair colour pop, and the other a pretty cream, olive and peach flowery thing with a bit of lace around the hem and neckline that I fell in love with. Today, for the first time, I wore maternity clothing (the pants) to work, and not just my regular clothing with the tummy sleeve (aka bella band) that I've been making do with until now.
Can you spell "relief" boys and girls? I knew you could!
Honest to heaven, I was so much more comfortable today! I feel like in the last week or two my belly has expanded to incredible proportions and it's become a point of absolute necessity to look for other clothing. Some of my regular shirts are still okay of course, especially those with empire waists and the like. However a few pairs of pants cannot come close to closing around my belly. They fit great in the legs and the ass, but around the tummy? No way! It's downright painful to even try! Frankly, It's starting to get blatantly obvious that I'm "in the family way!" I went back today and picked up an orange coloured T-shirt for summer and a pair of brown pants that will be great when warmer weather hits.
On Wednesday, we have the first of six prenatal classes. I'm still thinking it's way too soon to do anything like that but apparently they advise that you at least start them around your 18th week, and I hit that mark tomorrow. So we'll give it a shot. I still feel like an imposter though. Does that feeling ever go away when you're infertile? I dunno. It's still hard to relax though and enjoy this.
However, that was the exact advice I got from my local RE today. He called bright and early this morning to let us know that he had just received the faxed RAD results and that everything looked perfect. He was genuinely happy for us; I could hear it in his voice. This is the same man who did all our IUIs and who's seen us through 5+ years of TTC. "Gil, you can relax. I promise. It was a pure false positive. The tests on the pertinent chromosomes (aka 13, 18 and 21) are all normal. Try to enjoy this." I countered with, "If the RAD results came back negative, is there ANY POSSIBLE way that the full results that we get in 2 weeks or so could show something different?" He said, "No. Because you already tested negative for spina bifida and neural tube defects, that's been ruled out. And now we've ruled out Down syndrome. So you can truly relax. Please. Try to enjoy this. You've both worked so hard for it and come so far; you need to enjoy this."
He's right. It's long past time I enjoy this.
I think I'm going to put together the nursery furniture this week.
Oh yeah... and how appropriate that hubby and I took Petit to his/her first concert! Great Big Sea played here on Saturday night and we had an absolute blast! The baby Newf likes Newfie music too; I felt a kick or two during some of the most rollicking songs! WOOT!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
RAD Results Are In...
Time: approximately 12:30 p.m. My phone at work rings. Before I pick it up, I see it's the children's hospital calling, and likely it's the genetics counsellor. I take a deep breath.
"(department name), this is Gil, bonjour?"
"Hello Gil? This is C from genetics counselling. How are you today?"
I take a deep breath, "I really don't know. You tell me. How am I today?"
"According to what I have in my hand, you're doing just fine." Magical words, if ever I'd heard them.
"Really? Everything is...?"
"Well, can you talk for a moment?"
"Yes, I can. You have the results a little early?"
"Yes, I have your RAD results here and everything is fantastic. Normal sets of chromosomes, and everything looks wonderful. No extra chromosomes, no partials or other immediately visible issues. And chromosomes 13, 18, and 21 look completely normal."
Cue the huge exhaling on my end and a tear or two as I break into a broad smile.
"And what about the sex chromosomes? Normal as well?" I asked.
"Yes, a perfect set of sex chromosomes. You don't want to know the sex, right?"
"No, we don't want to know unless there's a problem and we need to know. So you know the sex then?" I inquired.
"Yes, I have it right here. You're sure?"
"Positive. Thank you. We want it to be a surprise."
"Well, everything is great. I don't expect that you'll need to hear from me again. Of course, the full karotyping results will be available to Dr. B in 2-3 weeks. He'll be in touch then."
"Okay. Fantastic. Is there anything else I need to know?" I asked.
"No, nothing from me. If you need me, you have my card. Good luck. Get some rest and take care of yourself. All is great."
"Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it."
And now we can breathe a little easier.
Patti, you're absolutely right. I -did- get pregnant on our first IVF. We didn't have to use donor sperm after all. And I should learn not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Thanks for the swift kick in the pants; I think I needed it.
And thank you all for the good wishes and thoughts. It means the world to me and hubby to know that you're out there pulling for us.
"(department name), this is Gil, bonjour?"
"Hello Gil? This is C from genetics counselling. How are you today?"
I take a deep breath, "I really don't know. You tell me. How am I today?"
"According to what I have in my hand, you're doing just fine." Magical words, if ever I'd heard them.
"Really? Everything is...?"
"Well, can you talk for a moment?"
"Yes, I can. You have the results a little early?"
"Yes, I have your RAD results here and everything is fantastic. Normal sets of chromosomes, and everything looks wonderful. No extra chromosomes, no partials or other immediately visible issues. And chromosomes 13, 18, and 21 look completely normal."
Cue the huge exhaling on my end and a tear or two as I break into a broad smile.
"And what about the sex chromosomes? Normal as well?" I asked.
"Yes, a perfect set of sex chromosomes. You don't want to know the sex, right?"
"No, we don't want to know unless there's a problem and we need to know. So you know the sex then?" I inquired.
"Yes, I have it right here. You're sure?"
"Positive. Thank you. We want it to be a surprise."
"Well, everything is great. I don't expect that you'll need to hear from me again. Of course, the full karotyping results will be available to Dr. B in 2-3 weeks. He'll be in touch then."
"Okay. Fantastic. Is there anything else I need to know?" I asked.
"No, nothing from me. If you need me, you have my card. Good luck. Get some rest and take care of yourself. All is great."
"Thank you so much for calling. I appreciate it."
And now we can breathe a little easier.
Patti, you're absolutely right. I -did- get pregnant on our first IVF. We didn't have to use donor sperm after all. And I should learn not to look a gift horse in the mouth. Thanks for the swift kick in the pants; I think I needed it.
And thank you all for the good wishes and thoughts. It means the world to me and hubby to know that you're out there pulling for us.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Amniocentesis
Yesterday morning at 10:30 I went in for my amniocentesis appointment. And generally, the appointment and procedure went quite well.
I, however, was a total mess.
I have rarely been so afraid in my life. I trembled as I changed into my hospital gown. I wiped tears as I walked into the room and stared at the bed. I was not pleased to hear that the hospital wouldn’t permit us to record anything, nor take photos of what we saw on the monitor. I made it quite clear that I wasn’t happy and their ‘policy’ was a load of bunk. In my hospital gown, I stood at the end of the bed while the ultrasound tech shoved a consent form under my nose and I told her no, I wasn’t going to sign it until I spoke to the doctor doing the amnio. She was obviously pissed and said, “So you don’t want the amnio?” I replied, “Yes, I have to have it” (knowing in my own mind that I had to go through with it, for myself) and she tossed it aside and just looked at me.
I broke down. With my hands on that bed, I said, “I’m absolutely terrified that I’m going to lie down here and get up without a live baby in me.” I was afraid that something had happened to Petit since we’ve last seen an ultrasound or heard a heartbeat. I was terrified that the measurements would be off. I was scared about the needle for the amnio. I shook at the prospect that the needle would hit Petit and do serious damage. I was nothing short of frozen by fear at the thought that the amnio itself would cause a miscarriage. And of course, I trembled at the thought that the tests come out positive. One thing after another all rolled together in my head and I just wept. Big, fat, emotional tears. I think I wept for most of the appointment actually. Either I wept or I held my breath, alternately.
Once we explained some of our fears, our journey and our issues to the ultrasound tech, she SORTA understood. She reassured me, saying, “Okay then. It’s okay. Just lie down then and we’ll take a look at the baby first. One step at a time.” It was all I could do to get on that table. But I needed to see Petit and know.
And my fears were unfounded. Petit is doing well. Heartbeat of 140, moving limbs and twisting now and then for us. The tech took measurements of femurs, arms, head circumference, all sorts of details. And according to her, everything is on track. Petit is doing just fine. I spend every day in fear that something will happen in utero and the DBT just invade my head. How do I get them to go away? How do you banish DBT from your brain? I know all this stress and angst can’t be good for Petit, but what do you DO to make it go away? What do you DO to help yourself get over that? I fear I won’t be able to enjoy one minute of this pregnancy at all. And that sucks because it’s the only pregnancy I’ll likely ever have at all.
Anyway, the ultrasound was finished and we got one picture of Petit that I held onto for the rest of the appointment. As I said, I can’t be sure that it won’t be my last, so I needed that security blanket.
The doctor came in and sought to reassure my fears. I asked about miscarriage rates. I asked about false positives. I asked about the procedure itself and explained my fear of needles, miscarriage, positives and all the rest. He was good. Calm and understanding. He isn’t just a regular OB, he specializes in amniocenteses and that morning, I was the third one he had on his schedule. He does them every Monday to Thursday morning, usually 4 per day. Yesterday they only had 3 scheduled because the woman before me has twins; double the time for the procedure.
So I signed the form and lay back, weeping. The doc slathered my belly with iodine, and then covered my tummy with the necessary drapes. He walked me through every moment. Hubby held my hand all the way (I think he’s lucky that I didn’t break a finger). They pinpointed a spot near the placenta, away from Petit and the ultrasound tech held the probe in place. Of course I couldn’t look at the needle, but I kept my eyes firmly on Petit and the monitor. The needle went in easily enough, with just a pinch or two and some pressure. They went through my abdomen, into the uterus and through the placenta (as apparently that reduces any fluid leakage or possibility of spotting later) into the amniotic fluid. I saw the needle on the monitor and it never even came close to Petit. The doc said I had quite enough fluid to work with and they started pulling out the required amount. Petit was in no danger at all from the needle or lack of fluid from what I could see. And when they had all the fluid they needed, the doc pulled the needle quickly. THAT hurt like a mother!!! Jesus. I almost rose off the table!! Not cool.
The amniotic fluid was completely clear and it’s very light yellow in colour. There was no cross-transference with my own blood so hopefully that bodes well for the Rapid Aneuploidy Detection (RAD) testing that ought to be done this week. We might even get those results by Friday… we hope. After the needle was withdrawn, the ultrasound tech looked at Petit again, and checked the heart rate. All was completely normal and we were free to go. They handed me a washcloth to wipe the iodine and gel from my belly, so that I wouldn’t stain my clothing. Hubby helped me up and made sure I got all the iodine off before I got dressed.
For the rest of the day, I was told that I had to take it easy; no spring cleaning apparently! And for the next week, no heavy lifting, no straining, no sex (!!) and watch for spotting, leakage of amniotic fluid, a fever or severe cramping. No flying in the week post-amnio either; I’m glad my flight isn’t til April 3. We went home, stopping on the way to pick up a couple of movies to watch. Hubby went out for a DQ Blizzard for me and I took a nap before watching the movies and just kicking back at home. I was completely lazy but after the stress of the last four or five days, it was sorely needed.
And now we wait. Hopefully Friday we’ll get the RAD results and then before I go home, we ought to have the full details of the amnio culture. More stress for me. Until I get these results, I live in fear of “What if?” But as one of my blogging friends said to me, it’s important that I give Petit the benefit of the doubt right now and not to prejudge fate. Petit is REAL and deserves the best chance that we can give her/him. And that means, trying to breathe a little easier. I need to reason with myself (somehow!) and just take things one step at a time, and cross the bridges as we come to them.
I’m just tired of bridges and obstacles though. I want and NEED something to go right. For a change.
For your viewing pleasure, this is the picture of Petit that we obtained at yesterday’s appointment.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
IPS Results
For the clinically minded, here are the details of our IPS results.
AFP level = 10.9 ug/L (0.54 MoM... low)
uE3 level = 2.47 nmol/L (1.02 MoM... normal)
Total hCG level = 28.7 kiu/L (1.45 MoM... high)
NT measurement = 1.7 mm (1.06 MoM... normal)
PAPP-A level = 0.38 iu/L (0.39 MoM... low)
The low AFP, the high hCG and the low PAPP-A give us the 1:75 risk.
I also know that a higher hCG level is frequently present in women who've undergone IVF.
Additionally, my high TSH (thyroid) levels might throw this out of whack. And I've not yet had the OGTT so any blood sugar problems might throw it out of whack too. I'm still worried for Tuesday and until I get these results back, it's going to be really hard to concentrate on doing anything to prepare for Petit's arrival.
For all I know, Tuesday may be the last day I get to see Petit at all... as there is a chance of miscarriage following an amnio. Before that needle goes in, I am going to have a photo of our baby in my hands; it may be the last one I get.
AFP level = 10.9 ug/L (0.54 MoM... low)
uE3 level = 2.47 nmol/L (1.02 MoM... normal)
Total hCG level = 28.7 kiu/L (1.45 MoM... high)
NT measurement = 1.7 mm (1.06 MoM... normal)
PAPP-A level = 0.38 iu/L (0.39 MoM... low)
The low AFP, the high hCG and the low PAPP-A give us the 1:75 risk.
I also know that a higher hCG level is frequently present in women who've undergone IVF.
Additionally, my high TSH (thyroid) levels might throw this out of whack. And I've not yet had the OGTT so any blood sugar problems might throw it out of whack too. I'm still worried for Tuesday and until I get these results back, it's going to be really hard to concentrate on doing anything to prepare for Petit's arrival.
For all I know, Tuesday may be the last day I get to see Petit at all... as there is a chance of miscarriage following an amnio. Before that needle goes in, I am going to have a photo of our baby in my hands; it may be the last one I get.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Four Days of Hell to Get Through
Hubby and I managed to get an appointment this afternoon for a session with a genetics counsellor. We have an update as well; instead of 1:50, our chances are 1:75 (my weight had not been added to the calculation). Still, I don't like those odds and anything less than 1:200 they offer an amnio to delve a little deeper.
Now that I've heard these results, I'm thinking, "Buttered side down, we always land on the shitty side of the statistics. I need to know." So yes, I need to know.
The amnio is scheduled for Tuesday morning. I've been advised to take the day off work and rest afterwards. I know what happened to Manuela (bless her) and I'm scared to death that the amnio will result in a miscarriage. But I still need to know.
Until Tuesday, I have to deal with this and find a way to put it out of my mind. Sorry Aurelia, I'm not up to discussing the finite intracacies of this; my brain has already dealt the cards in my mind and regardless of our 98.5% chance of having 'normal' results, I am not going to be at ease until we get results in our hands. They will try to do RAD testing (available in 1 week or less) as well as the full testing (available in 2-3 weeks) so I just have to sit on edge and wait.
It's going to be a very long, trying, stressful couple of weeks. And no, I don't need that. But that is what I'm faced with. Thank you all for your positive thoughts; just knowing that you are out there thinking of me makes a difference. I think I'm going to hibernate til Tuesday, because I'm terrified to do anything else.
Now that I've heard these results, I'm thinking, "Buttered side down, we always land on the shitty side of the statistics. I need to know." So yes, I need to know.
The amnio is scheduled for Tuesday morning. I've been advised to take the day off work and rest afterwards. I know what happened to Manuela (bless her) and I'm scared to death that the amnio will result in a miscarriage. But I still need to know.
Until Tuesday, I have to deal with this and find a way to put it out of my mind. Sorry Aurelia, I'm not up to discussing the finite intracacies of this; my brain has already dealt the cards in my mind and regardless of our 98.5% chance of having 'normal' results, I am not going to be at ease until we get results in our hands. They will try to do RAD testing (available in 1 week or less) as well as the full testing (available in 2-3 weeks) so I just have to sit on edge and wait.
It's going to be a very long, trying, stressful couple of weeks. And no, I don't need that. But that is what I'm faced with. Thank you all for your positive thoughts; just knowing that you are out there thinking of me makes a difference. I think I'm going to hibernate til Tuesday, because I'm terrified to do anything else.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Other Shoe
Fuck.
Fuck fuck.
Fuckity fuck fuck.
I don't know what to say right now.
Last week at my OB appointment, I was told that based on the results of the IPS, they would get back to me in two weeks (thus, negative screen and nothing to worry about) or, they would get back to me in one week (thus, positive screen, and cause for worry).
Yeah.
I heard from them today.
Based solely on my age, and no other factors, I would be 1:120 for the risk of Down Syndrome.
Something in my bloodwork has increased my odds; I'm standing at 1:50. That's a 2% chance.
I'm terrified. And I'm supposed to call genetic counselling tomorrow to make an appointment for an amniocentesis at the local children's hospital.
Fuckity fuck fuck. I just knew the other shoe would drop. I can't think. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can barely breathe. I am absolutely terrified and I don't know where to turn...
Fuck fuck.
Fuckity fuck fuck.
I don't know what to say right now.
Last week at my OB appointment, I was told that based on the results of the IPS, they would get back to me in two weeks (thus, negative screen and nothing to worry about) or, they would get back to me in one week (thus, positive screen, and cause for worry).
Yeah.
I heard from them today.
Based solely on my age, and no other factors, I would be 1:120 for the risk of Down Syndrome.
Something in my bloodwork has increased my odds; I'm standing at 1:50. That's a 2% chance.
I'm terrified. And I'm supposed to call genetic counselling tomorrow to make an appointment for an amniocentesis at the local children's hospital.
Fuckity fuck fuck. I just knew the other shoe would drop. I can't think. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can barely breathe. I am absolutely terrified and I don't know where to turn...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Clinical Research Study @ McGill
At the clinic where hubby and I went for our IVF, there is a new clinical trial underway. I'm not sure how many Canadians are out there reading my blog, but if perchance you are eligible, it can't hurt to get in touch with them if you're interested in participating.
Here are the details as sent to the local co-ordinator of the Infertility Awareness Association of Canada:
***********************************
My name is Fady Shehata; I am the clinical research coordinator at McGill Reproductive Center, Montreal, Quebec. I have found your email in one of the websites listing fertility support groups in Canada, and I will really appreciate if you can circulate my message around to the group members.
We are actually conducting a clinical research trial at MRC right now and the principal investigator for this study is Dr. Seang Lin Tan (The Chairman of the Department**). The study is about a new method for fertility preservation using vitrification of human oocytes. I am including a link for the flyer with brief information about the eligibility criteria for candidates in this study. Please email me should you be interested in participating in this trial. The link for the flyer is here http://www.mcgillivf.com/qConsole/content/2_0/common/sitemedia/vitstudy.pdf.
I prefer to be contacted by email to discuss the eligibility and any other information.
Thanks.
Fady Fouad Shehata
MB B.Ch /M.Sc.
Clinical Research Coordinator
McGill Reproductive Center
(fady.shehata@muhc.mcgill.ca)
**Gil's note:
Dr. Tan was our RE at McGill and as the head of the department, I know he has a hand in most/all of the cycles at any given time. He's well published and renowned in the field in Canada and I recommend him highly.
Here are the details as sent to the local co-ordinator of the Infertility Awareness Association of Canada:
***********************************
My name is Fady Shehata; I am the clinical research coordinator at McGill Reproductive Center, Montreal, Quebec. I have found your email in one of the websites listing fertility support groups in Canada, and I will really appreciate if you can circulate my message around to the group members.
We are actually conducting a clinical research trial at MRC right now and the principal investigator for this study is Dr. Seang Lin Tan (The Chairman of the Department**). The study is about a new method for fertility preservation using vitrification of human oocytes. I am including a link for the flyer with brief information about the eligibility criteria for candidates in this study. Please email me should you be interested in participating in this trial. The link for the flyer is here http://www.mcgillivf.com/qConsole/content/2_0/common/sitemedia/vitstudy.pdf.
I prefer to be contacted by email to discuss the eligibility and any other information.
Thanks.
Fady Fouad Shehata
MB B.Ch /M.Sc.
Clinical Research Coordinator
McGill Reproductive Center
(fady.shehata@muhc.mcgill.ca)
**Gil's note:
Dr. Tan was our RE at McGill and as the head of the department, I know he has a hand in most/all of the cycles at any given time. He's well published and renowned in the field in Canada and I recommend him highly.
Friday, March 06, 2009
All's Quiet on the Home Front (15 wks 3 days)
Yesterday I had an appointment with the OB. I got a chance to ask a bunch of questions and I was so relieved that we could get a quick listen to Petit’s heartbeat with a Doppler! I’ve been worried for the last week or so, wondering if I was still pregnant, or if something was wrong, because I’ve felt a bit ‘off’ all week. I would love to get a cheap little Doppler for home to reassure my incessant fears. If any of you have one, what do you have? Where did you get it and how much? And do you like being able to check in on your baby yourself or does it make you all the more neurotic?! I don’t know what to do but I’ll listen to your thoughts!
Anyway, all seems to be good. I’m in my 15th week’ I’ve only gained 1.5 pounds so far during this pregnancy! I love that! I hope that continues! I feel like I’m bloated all the time (my belly feels HUGE!) and my bella band is coming in handy on a daily basis. I’ve been super good with my food choices though; as one of my girlfriends said, “Make every bite count.” And that is what I’m doing. I haven’t been indiscriminate with my diet, however, set me down with a bag of salt and vinegar chips and you’ll be lucky to get the crumbs! Honestly! I’ve never craved the vinegar flavouring more in my life!. I think in the interest of my diet and my waistline, I’m going to start doing the popcorn thing with salt and vinegar flavouring on top. That will just have to substitute! At least… some of the time!
My blood pressure is relatively good too (138/78). Then I asked about my TSH levels and I got a copy of my recent blood work. “Oh,” the nurse says, “your TSH is fine. It’s 3.3.”
I FREAKED.
For those of you who don’t know, hypothyroidism is one of the reasons I hadn’t conceived earlier in our journey and having a TSH of 3.3 is just NOT satisfactory! AT ALL.
I reiterated to her how the head honcho at McGill Reproductive was adamant that TSH levels needed to be 2.5 at the MOST and it was absolutely imperative that we bring that back under control. Frequently, women who are hypothyroid and become pregnant have to adjust their medication to keep the TSH levels in check, so we’re upping my dose (temporarily at least) by 0.25. I’ll pick up that prescription in a day or two and we’ll get it checked again in 6-8 weeks to see if the TSH levels are more ‘normal.’
To my readers: Please understand too that many doctors still see TSH levels of less than 5.0 as ‘normal,’ as even my lab does. However for pregnant women and those TTC, less than 2.5 is a more optimal range to work with. Endocrinologists have revised ‘normal’ ranges to mean anything below 3.0, but laboratories have yet to catch up. Anything above 3.0 is frequently a sign that something is amiss. By all means, look for yourselves and check out the various reputable endocrinology websites. For us, I firmly believe that this is one of the reasons that my husband and I had no success for so very long as a TSH that is too high can cause spontaneous early miscarriage (which was our problem… twice).
For those who are interested in my other bloodwork results, check out this post for Tests and Results.
I was very pleased to hear that neither my doctor nor the hospital I plan to go to has a policy of “standard” IVs for childbirth. WHEW, total relief! Obviously there would be a need for an IV if I have an epidural or if I am having a C-section, and even if I test positive for Group B strep; apparently the only way to get antibiotics to Petit fast enough would be through an IV at that point. *shudder* As I said to the nurse, I will do anything and everything in my power to avoid an IV. If push comes to shove (*snicker snicker*), then I am not ruling out an epidural or pain relief, but knowing how much I despise IVs, it’s gonna take a lot to get me to that point I think. We’ll see when the time comes, assuming I get that far.
One thing that is completely out of my control is a damn fibroid near my cervix. Fibroids aren’t usually anything to worry about in pregnancy unless they are near the cervix. Why? Because a fibroid of significant size could potentially block the baby’s descent into the birth canal and impede delivery thus making a C-section a necessity. The fibroid I have is about 2 cms, so as of yet, it’s nothing to worry about. If it grows too big, then we have a problem. This is something that will be monitored carefully as I get further along in this pregnancy.
And to add to the party, my cystic ovaries are joining in on the fun. Yet another cyst on my right ovary (stupid overachiever!) is giving me grief these days. It’s about 4x5 cms, which is the size of the cyst that I had removed three years ago in a laparoscopy, and it’s downright painful some days. Most of the time I don’t notice it, but once in awhile, OUCH! I’m sorta hoping that when Petit starts kicking that the cyst will be on the receiving end of a deadly blow! I hope so anyway! I dunno if that’s even possible, but I can dream, can’t I? There’s nothing that can be done about it right now so I just have to deal with it.
I’ve finished my estrace (estrogen pills) and the dreaded PIO. OMFG, I SURVIVED PIO! I never thought I would say that. When I looked at our sharps container, and how full it was of needles, syringes and all that stuff, it just amazes me that hubby and I were able to get through it. He hated giving me those injections every day and heavens knows, I hated getting them. But you know,you do what you have to do. Whatever it takes. And again, you deal with it. One day at a time. One injection at a time. For someone like me who’s deathly afraid of needles, at the commencement of this journey I thought, “Well, I’ll do a lot but I can’t do IVF because of all the needles!” and I figured that IVF would be my breaking point. But as we progressed, and with doing medicated IUIs, I managed to handle the sub-cutaneous injections. And then with IVF, sub-cue injects x3 per day! And then, well, you just substitute 3 sub-cue injections for 1 Intramuscular injection! Three vs. One… it isn’t impossible. Not easy, but certainly not impossible either. Yesterday, I bought our super-full sharps container to the doctor’s office and asked if they would please dispose of it for us. While it is a reminder of our past, our journey, our unfailing love and the heroic things we’ve both done to get this far, it’s also a constant reminder of the grief and pain of the last five years. Seeing it in our bedroom every day made me emotional. I needed to shed that and so I gratefully turned it over to the nurse. I’m happy to leave it behind.
My next OB appointment is April 9, which is the day after I return from Newfoundland and also the day after our first prenatal class as offered by the city. At that appointment I’ll be 20 weeks, and I’ll have an ultrasound first (morphology, where they check measurements, the sex, etc.) after which I have an appointment with the OB. We still don’t want to know whether Petit is a boy or a girl, but I’m listening to opinions about what people think on the topic and what they believe we’re having. I’ve got a running list going and it’s sure interesting to hear people’s reasoning behind their thoughts!
In other news…
We’ve received the bedroom furniture that we’d ordered for Petit’s room. I’ve yet to unpack it and make sure nothing is damaged. My original plan was to unpack it and put it together after I get back from a quick trip home next month; however, in the interest of NOT voiding the warranty, I expect I’ll have to unpack it sooner rather than later. And if I’m unpacking it, will I bother to put it together and tempt fate? I just don’t know. Setting up the furniture seems so… real, you know? I’m terrified to do that.
We’re also going to rearrange our bedroom this weekend to try to accommodate a bassinette. Yes, we’re jumping the gun a bit but it’s going to take time to adjust to sleeping on the opposite side of the room! In our bedroom, we have a king sized bed, two nightstands, two armoires (our closet is miniscule), and a four-drawer dresser with a TV and a shelf above that. We have space for the bassinette as it is right now, however it would have to be on hubby’s side of the bed. So either I switch sides (ugh… I could do that, but neither hubby nor I like sleeping on the other side of the bed; we tried it before) or we rearrange the bedroom.
The latter it is. Wish us luck.
Thinking of…
My thoughts are with Vee and Max (http://sweetvee.blogspot.com/) this week as they struggle with the latest news from Max’s oncologist. No one should be faced with the issues that they are right now and my heart aches for them both. I’m in the process of putting together a few little things to send to the Land Down Under for them; hopefully as a temporary distraction and at least it’ll be a parcel that they can dig into together! If perchance you would like to contribute or have ideas, get in touch with me and let me know. I continue to have all the faith in the world that Max WILL defy the odds and he will live to welcome his child into the world and help Vee raise their baby. Hang in there guys. I just know it will be okay and I pray for you every day.
Anyway, all seems to be good. I’m in my 15th week’ I’ve only gained 1.5 pounds so far during this pregnancy! I love that! I hope that continues! I feel like I’m bloated all the time (my belly feels HUGE!) and my bella band is coming in handy on a daily basis. I’ve been super good with my food choices though; as one of my girlfriends said, “Make every bite count.” And that is what I’m doing. I haven’t been indiscriminate with my diet, however, set me down with a bag of salt and vinegar chips and you’ll be lucky to get the crumbs! Honestly! I’ve never craved the vinegar flavouring more in my life!. I think in the interest of my diet and my waistline, I’m going to start doing the popcorn thing with salt and vinegar flavouring on top. That will just have to substitute! At least… some of the time!
My blood pressure is relatively good too (138/78). Then I asked about my TSH levels and I got a copy of my recent blood work. “Oh,” the nurse says, “your TSH is fine. It’s 3.3.”
I FREAKED.
For those of you who don’t know, hypothyroidism is one of the reasons I hadn’t conceived earlier in our journey and having a TSH of 3.3 is just NOT satisfactory! AT ALL.
I reiterated to her how the head honcho at McGill Reproductive was adamant that TSH levels needed to be 2.5 at the MOST and it was absolutely imperative that we bring that back under control. Frequently, women who are hypothyroid and become pregnant have to adjust their medication to keep the TSH levels in check, so we’re upping my dose (temporarily at least) by 0.25. I’ll pick up that prescription in a day or two and we’ll get it checked again in 6-8 weeks to see if the TSH levels are more ‘normal.’
To my readers: Please understand too that many doctors still see TSH levels of less than 5.0 as ‘normal,’ as even my lab does. However for pregnant women and those TTC, less than 2.5 is a more optimal range to work with. Endocrinologists have revised ‘normal’ ranges to mean anything below 3.0, but laboratories have yet to catch up. Anything above 3.0 is frequently a sign that something is amiss. By all means, look for yourselves and check out the various reputable endocrinology websites. For us, I firmly believe that this is one of the reasons that my husband and I had no success for so very long as a TSH that is too high can cause spontaneous early miscarriage (which was our problem… twice).
For those who are interested in my other bloodwork results, check out this post for Tests and Results.
I was very pleased to hear that neither my doctor nor the hospital I plan to go to has a policy of “standard” IVs for childbirth. WHEW, total relief! Obviously there would be a need for an IV if I have an epidural or if I am having a C-section, and even if I test positive for Group B strep; apparently the only way to get antibiotics to Petit fast enough would be through an IV at that point. *shudder* As I said to the nurse, I will do anything and everything in my power to avoid an IV. If push comes to shove (*snicker snicker*), then I am not ruling out an epidural or pain relief, but knowing how much I despise IVs, it’s gonna take a lot to get me to that point I think. We’ll see when the time comes, assuming I get that far.
One thing that is completely out of my control is a damn fibroid near my cervix. Fibroids aren’t usually anything to worry about in pregnancy unless they are near the cervix. Why? Because a fibroid of significant size could potentially block the baby’s descent into the birth canal and impede delivery thus making a C-section a necessity. The fibroid I have is about 2 cms, so as of yet, it’s nothing to worry about. If it grows too big, then we have a problem. This is something that will be monitored carefully as I get further along in this pregnancy.
And to add to the party, my cystic ovaries are joining in on the fun. Yet another cyst on my right ovary (stupid overachiever!) is giving me grief these days. It’s about 4x5 cms, which is the size of the cyst that I had removed three years ago in a laparoscopy, and it’s downright painful some days. Most of the time I don’t notice it, but once in awhile, OUCH! I’m sorta hoping that when Petit starts kicking that the cyst will be on the receiving end of a deadly blow! I hope so anyway! I dunno if that’s even possible, but I can dream, can’t I? There’s nothing that can be done about it right now so I just have to deal with it.
I’ve finished my estrace (estrogen pills) and the dreaded PIO. OMFG, I SURVIVED PIO! I never thought I would say that. When I looked at our sharps container, and how full it was of needles, syringes and all that stuff, it just amazes me that hubby and I were able to get through it. He hated giving me those injections every day and heavens knows, I hated getting them. But you know,you do what you have to do. Whatever it takes. And again, you deal with it. One day at a time. One injection at a time. For someone like me who’s deathly afraid of needles, at the commencement of this journey I thought, “Well, I’ll do a lot but I can’t do IVF because of all the needles!” and I figured that IVF would be my breaking point. But as we progressed, and with doing medicated IUIs, I managed to handle the sub-cutaneous injections. And then with IVF, sub-cue injects x3 per day! And then, well, you just substitute 3 sub-cue injections for 1 Intramuscular injection! Three vs. One… it isn’t impossible. Not easy, but certainly not impossible either. Yesterday, I bought our super-full sharps container to the doctor’s office and asked if they would please dispose of it for us. While it is a reminder of our past, our journey, our unfailing love and the heroic things we’ve both done to get this far, it’s also a constant reminder of the grief and pain of the last five years. Seeing it in our bedroom every day made me emotional. I needed to shed that and so I gratefully turned it over to the nurse. I’m happy to leave it behind.
My next OB appointment is April 9, which is the day after I return from Newfoundland and also the day after our first prenatal class as offered by the city. At that appointment I’ll be 20 weeks, and I’ll have an ultrasound first (morphology, where they check measurements, the sex, etc.) after which I have an appointment with the OB. We still don’t want to know whether Petit is a boy or a girl, but I’m listening to opinions about what people think on the topic and what they believe we’re having. I’ve got a running list going and it’s sure interesting to hear people’s reasoning behind their thoughts!
In other news…
We’ve received the bedroom furniture that we’d ordered for Petit’s room. I’ve yet to unpack it and make sure nothing is damaged. My original plan was to unpack it and put it together after I get back from a quick trip home next month; however, in the interest of NOT voiding the warranty, I expect I’ll have to unpack it sooner rather than later. And if I’m unpacking it, will I bother to put it together and tempt fate? I just don’t know. Setting up the furniture seems so… real, you know? I’m terrified to do that.
We’re also going to rearrange our bedroom this weekend to try to accommodate a bassinette. Yes, we’re jumping the gun a bit but it’s going to take time to adjust to sleeping on the opposite side of the room! In our bedroom, we have a king sized bed, two nightstands, two armoires (our closet is miniscule), and a four-drawer dresser with a TV and a shelf above that. We have space for the bassinette as it is right now, however it would have to be on hubby’s side of the bed. So either I switch sides (ugh… I could do that, but neither hubby nor I like sleeping on the other side of the bed; we tried it before) or we rearrange the bedroom.
The latter it is. Wish us luck.
Thinking of…
My thoughts are with Vee and Max (http://sweetvee.blogspot.com/) this week as they struggle with the latest news from Max’s oncologist. No one should be faced with the issues that they are right now and my heart aches for them both. I’m in the process of putting together a few little things to send to the Land Down Under for them; hopefully as a temporary distraction and at least it’ll be a parcel that they can dig into together! If perchance you would like to contribute or have ideas, get in touch with me and let me know. I continue to have all the faith in the world that Max WILL defy the odds and he will live to welcome his child into the world and help Vee raise their baby. Hang in there guys. I just know it will be okay and I pray for you every day.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Honestly!
I'm terrified of writing and marking down the days. I just sort of hold my breath and hope that one day leads to the next, and the next, without anything drastic or life-changing happening. Slow and steady wins the race, right?
Hubby and I went out yesterday though and added items to our *gulps* registry. I fly home in about one month and some people there may wish to give us a gift if Mom decides to hold some sort of a shower event. And as my mom said, how can those people do that if they don't know what we want? So we've created a registry at the major baby chain store to make things easy. Along with that, we're starting to clear out "the room that shall not be named" in order to make space for the furniture I've ordered. It's en route (thanks for the tip Pam!) and ought to arrive in the next week or two. I ordered five pieces: a crib, toddler rails (the crib is a convertible to toddler bed, daybed and eventually double bed), combo dresser, four-drawer dresser and a removable changer tray for changing Petit when the time comes. I need space to put all of this though, even if it is in boxes, and so I needed to clear out that bedroom so that I have somewhere to put those items when they arrive. I figured I better do this now anyway before time slips away from me and moving furniture becomes rather difficult!
And a huge "Thank you sweetie!!!" and virtual hugs go out to Bodhi Ekah because she ever so thoughtfully nominated me for an Honest Scrap Award!
Here are the rules:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
So here are my nominees!
1. Much like the wonderful woman who nominated me, hubby and I met on the Internet. It was back in 2000 when meeting people on the Internet was still very much frowned upon and in the process of meeting him, I had to kiss a number of frogs in order to find my prince. I was hesitant to even tell my family how I'd met him, and I think early on in the game when Mom asked me where I'd met him, I told a white lie and said that he was a LAN admin at work! Yes, he was into tech and LAN work, but not at my office, that's for sure!
2. I am still a Durannie at heart. I would give my right arm to have a few hours of John Taylor's time. However, I have a variety of musical tastes from dance (Iio, Goldfrapp) to classical/opera (Paul Potts), to... well, I've no idea how best to describe Placebo, but I love their music. However, you diss Duran Duran, you die.
3. I love to travel. Travelling and experiencing other societies, cultures, traditions and lifestyles is something that rejuvenates me and I cherish it. As of August, I expect our travelling will be somewhat curttailed, however I have chosen a diaper bag that will certainly come in handy when we recommence travelling again!
4. I have one tattoo, but I'd love a second. My tattoo is on my outer right ankle, a couple of inches high and it's the Japanese kanji for love (pronounced "ai"). Even my character in the online game that I play is devoted to Erollisi Marr, the Goddess of Love. I think in many ways, we need more love, tolerance and understanding in our world and I would hope that my child is tolerant of others as much as my husband and I are, or moreso.
5. I used to sing in both the church choir and the school choir. I love to sing though I don't think I'm particularly good. Get me in a car alone though, and crank something good, and I'll sing along at the top of my lungs! I hope Petit enjoys it!
6. I have no favourite food or drink. I prefer juices or milk to carbonated drinks and there are a number of foods that I really like, but no one favourite really, over all the others. One of the most disgusting foods that I've ever tried is natto... fermented soy beans and the darn stuff looks like what might come out of a lung after a bout of pneumonia. Horrid! Absolutely horrid!
7. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. When my friends were at the age when they started taking that up, I was swimming on a team and had I begun the same habit, I never would have been able to get myself to the end of the pool, let alone complete a 200-lap swim-a-thon!
8. Even to this day, swimming is my favourite exercise. We have an in-ground pool in our backyard and that was a major selling point of this house. It's a heated pool too, so I can use it for quite a number of months. In the summer, I love to get out there and just do lap after lap, zoning out and enjoying the rhythmic pace of the slap of the water and steady breathing. By the end of the summer, I am usually swimming about 100 laps of our little 35-foot long pool.
9. Years ago, when I was a member of the Girl Guides/Pathfinders, I was selected to attend a Governor General's garden party back in Newfoundland and there, I had the opportunity to meet Princess Diana and Prince Charles. I found her to be enchanting and genuinely interested in those she spoke to. He, however, was a total fop and very much a dullard.
10. I am terrified of having to have an IV during childbirth when/if that time comes. I will do anything in my power to avoid it as with an IV, my anxiety, blood pressure and nervousness rises exponentially. Because my veins are so small and deep (I've been told that they're worse than a drug addict's veins by one phlebotomist), it's physically painful to get them in correctly and continues to remain painful while they're in me. I understand that I'm not supposed to feel it, but I DO. And damn, it hurts! Once, after surgery, I pulled out my own IV. And the times when I've awoken from surgery with one in, I've made sure that the site where it's in my skin is covered by a bandage or gauze because just SEEING it makes me weak and nauseous. It's terrible. So my recent research surrounds how to avoid having an IV for childbirth and what conditions necessitate an IV (and how to prevent those conditions from occurring, if I can at all). All in all, that's scaring the hell out of me. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? Let me know!
Hubby and I went out yesterday though and added items to our *gulps* registry. I fly home in about one month and some people there may wish to give us a gift if Mom decides to hold some sort of a shower event. And as my mom said, how can those people do that if they don't know what we want? So we've created a registry at the major baby chain store to make things easy. Along with that, we're starting to clear out "the room that shall not be named" in order to make space for the furniture I've ordered. It's en route (thanks for the tip Pam!) and ought to arrive in the next week or two. I ordered five pieces: a crib, toddler rails (the crib is a convertible to toddler bed, daybed and eventually double bed), combo dresser, four-drawer dresser and a removable changer tray for changing Petit when the time comes. I need space to put all of this though, even if it is in boxes, and so I needed to clear out that bedroom so that I have somewhere to put those items when they arrive. I figured I better do this now anyway before time slips away from me and moving furniture becomes rather difficult!
And a huge "Thank you sweetie!!!" and virtual hugs go out to Bodhi Ekah because she ever so thoughtfully nominated me for an Honest Scrap Award!
Here are the rules:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
So here are my nominees!
We Make 3 (pw protected; success, TTC #2)
The Rylan Reader (success)
Of Course You'll Get Pregnant! (success, TTC #2)
Big P and Me (success)
What IF? (TWW)
Life and Love in the Petri Dish (stims)
Into the Womb (p/g)
And as required, here are 10 random honest things about myself. I hope you enjoy the read!
1. Much like the wonderful woman who nominated me, hubby and I met on the Internet. It was back in 2000 when meeting people on the Internet was still very much frowned upon and in the process of meeting him, I had to kiss a number of frogs in order to find my prince. I was hesitant to even tell my family how I'd met him, and I think early on in the game when Mom asked me where I'd met him, I told a white lie and said that he was a LAN admin at work! Yes, he was into tech and LAN work, but not at my office, that's for sure!
2. I am still a Durannie at heart. I would give my right arm to have a few hours of John Taylor's time. However, I have a variety of musical tastes from dance (Iio, Goldfrapp) to classical/opera (Paul Potts), to... well, I've no idea how best to describe Placebo, but I love their music. However, you diss Duran Duran, you die.
3. I love to travel. Travelling and experiencing other societies, cultures, traditions and lifestyles is something that rejuvenates me and I cherish it. As of August, I expect our travelling will be somewhat curttailed, however I have chosen a diaper bag that will certainly come in handy when we recommence travelling again!
4. I have one tattoo, but I'd love a second. My tattoo is on my outer right ankle, a couple of inches high and it's the Japanese kanji for love (pronounced "ai"). Even my character in the online game that I play is devoted to Erollisi Marr, the Goddess of Love. I think in many ways, we need more love, tolerance and understanding in our world and I would hope that my child is tolerant of others as much as my husband and I are, or moreso.
5. I used to sing in both the church choir and the school choir. I love to sing though I don't think I'm particularly good. Get me in a car alone though, and crank something good, and I'll sing along at the top of my lungs! I hope Petit enjoys it!
6. I have no favourite food or drink. I prefer juices or milk to carbonated drinks and there are a number of foods that I really like, but no one favourite really, over all the others. One of the most disgusting foods that I've ever tried is natto... fermented soy beans and the darn stuff looks like what might come out of a lung after a bout of pneumonia. Horrid! Absolutely horrid!
7. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life. When my friends were at the age when they started taking that up, I was swimming on a team and had I begun the same habit, I never would have been able to get myself to the end of the pool, let alone complete a 200-lap swim-a-thon!
8. Even to this day, swimming is my favourite exercise. We have an in-ground pool in our backyard and that was a major selling point of this house. It's a heated pool too, so I can use it for quite a number of months. In the summer, I love to get out there and just do lap after lap, zoning out and enjoying the rhythmic pace of the slap of the water and steady breathing. By the end of the summer, I am usually swimming about 100 laps of our little 35-foot long pool.
9. Years ago, when I was a member of the Girl Guides/Pathfinders, I was selected to attend a Governor General's garden party back in Newfoundland and there, I had the opportunity to meet Princess Diana and Prince Charles. I found her to be enchanting and genuinely interested in those she spoke to. He, however, was a total fop and very much a dullard.
10. I am terrified of having to have an IV during childbirth when/if that time comes. I will do anything in my power to avoid it as with an IV, my anxiety, blood pressure and nervousness rises exponentially. Because my veins are so small and deep (I've been told that they're worse than a drug addict's veins by one phlebotomist), it's physically painful to get them in correctly and continues to remain painful while they're in me. I understand that I'm not supposed to feel it, but I DO. And damn, it hurts! Once, after surgery, I pulled out my own IV. And the times when I've awoken from surgery with one in, I've made sure that the site where it's in my skin is covered by a bandage or gauze because just SEEING it makes me weak and nauseous. It's terrible. So my recent research surrounds how to avoid having an IV for childbirth and what conditions necessitate an IV (and how to prevent those conditions from occurring, if I can at all). All in all, that's scaring the hell out of me. Thoughts? Suggestions? Advice? Let me know!
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