Preparations

News... news... news... *taps chin*

Absolutely nothing. Really. Honestly! I kid you not. Life goes on.

It's CD20, and next month I'll go for some of that bloodwork that is required for the IVF I suppose. I don't want to put it off much longer. Now that the finances have come together, we can look at moving forward with this soon after the new year I would think. In the meantime, we have the fall to get through.

In preparing for all that, I'm still at the gym and/or doing laps in our pool. The pool is a mere 35 feet, but I've worked up to about 70 laps per day in it. I love that; it lets me zone out and forget stuff. I'm like the Energiz.er Bunny, I just keep going, and going, and going and... well, you get the idea. The other day I lost count of my laps cause I had totally zoned and my thoughts drifted elsewhere. Heavens knows where, but certainly they weren't in the pool with me!

To that effect, I've lost about 20 pounds or so I think. I still haven't weighed myself (for fear of shocking myself I think!) but neighbors and colleagues have noticed a difference, as has hubby. And of course, my clothes fit much more loosely on my frame. I can tell too. Sure, I can still stand to lose a boatload more. I'm not giving up yet. I guess the desire to have children is motivation huh? If nothing else is...

I'm also trying to organize my flight home in the fall, hopefully for around about Thanksgiving (which is in early October in Canada, for you Americans in the audience). Mom's surgery went well; she is home recovering. She was out of bed and walking one day after surgery, and we are cautiously optimistic. She has pain in the soles of her feet, but we take that as a good sign because for more than a year, she has had absolutely NO FEELING whatsoever in her feet or legs. So this is progress. She's limited in her mobility for now though, unable to bend or stretch, or to lift or move objects over five pounds, so that is why we're all helping out. My sister is flying home on Saturday to spend ten days with my parents. That will give my aunts a break for a bit. They'll need it I'm sure. We'll see when I manage to get home; as I said I'm still trying to organize that. Right now I'm hoping around the end of September for two weeks. I'll keep you posted.

And you know something? Acting in the Manager's shoes is d-mn tough. I've never been swamped with so much paperwork in my entire life! It's insane. The red tape one must go through to move offices, have a phone line switched, hire someone, order software, pay bills, justify expenses, etc. Oh dear Lord. I'm just overwhelmed. I'll be glad when a new employee arrives the week after next to take on some projects. And the week after that, we have a clerk starting. At least she'll be able to take care of the files and the admin stuff, entering details of the budget, etc. Whew!

Before I sign out, here's a pic of me and hubby (on the right). On the left is a good friend of ours who went to Vegas as well. This was taken earlier this month at Fan Faire in Las Vegas. I hope you like it.

To Pam and V, it is a shame that your weekend in the Capital is falling through. I'm so sorry to hear it. We'll do brunch another time, promise!

And the insanity continues...

So it seems that my mom's surgery has been pushed from mid-September to THIS FRIDAY! Yeah, you read that right. My sis and I are frantically trying to figure out flights home and getting time off earlier than expected to help around the house while Mom recovers. Wish me luck that it all works out.

In that mix, I'm trying to figure out if I have to attend a funeral. My cousin's husband passed away very suddenly last week while they were home in Newfoundland on vacation. Age 51, massive heart attack. Apparently even if he were in hospital at the time it had occurred, there would have been nothing they could have done to save him, it was that severe. Anyway, my cousin (accompanied by her father; my uncle) returned home to their 20-something year old son, with her husband's ashes in an urn instead of her husband at her side. Very shocking. It all happened so fast. I can't imagine going somewhere on vacation with my husband and having to return home with his ashes rather than with him. *shudders* I am so sorry for her loss. Anyway, I'm still trying to determine if there is a service of any sort. If so, I need to attend that. Must try to reach them today.

Today is my sister and brother-in-law's Third Anniversary! Happy Anniversary sis! They got married one week after hubby and I did so we had a month of insanity surrounding the weddings in 2004. It was such fun though. I'm glad we did it that way. And I just adore my sister's husband; he's such a sweetheart! With that West Virginian accent of his too; God love him! *smooches*

And today, August 14, is the anniversary of my grandmother's passing in 1988. She was one of the strongest women I know and she, along with my mom, are two of the most important women who helped me become who I am today. Shortly before her death, she gave my mother two $20-dollar bills. She said to her, "Give these to the girls" (my sister and I) "to buy something to remember me by." I still have that same $20-dollar bill. Nothing I could ever purchase could remind me of her like that bill can, and the caring, loving, giving woman she was. So in memory of my grandmother, Edith, I give thanks today for having had 18 years with her. I miss her every single day. God Bless Nan. Wherever you are.

And I have to say, thanks for your encouragement everyone. Last night, I was talking to my sis who reads this blog and she said, "You know, you have some great friends on that blog of yours. They're very supportive and caring. It's a wonderful network to have." I couldn't agree with her more. So to all of you, kudos guys. You are the best. I've known that all along.

P.S. For My Reality: I play a level 70 conjuror on the Antonia Bayle (roleplaying) server in the game EverQuest II. Let me know where your cousin plays and what class/level he is!

Life Goes On

There has been some great news in the IF blogging world.
Bugsy has had a baby boy!
On August 11, Lisa had a baby boy!
And Marie was supposed to be induced and we're waiting for details.

And I'm thrilled for all of you. What wonderful news. It's good to know that this whole rollercoaster can come to a stop and you can find the reward for the hardest quest of all. Congratulations to all of you!


There's little to report from here. Vegas was a blast and hubby and I are very glad that we went. We spent four days in the company of two good friends (from California); we slept little and enjoyed every moment. Let's see, we took in the following:
-- The Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur Hotel
-- for the ladies, a show at Chippendale's (oooh la la!)
-- a banquet for all the attendees at the conference (1700) which included both a live wedding between two folks who'd met in game and then an in-game wedding of their characters (a first for any gaming convention)
-- a live quest on site (our team of 10 came in 7th)
-- Quark's bar in the Hilton hotel where the two ladies shared a drink called a Warp Core Breach (oh dear God, this was amazing!)
-- a lovely meal at a seafood buffet; I loved the sushi!
-- a drive down to Laughlin near the Arizona border to meet friends and have brunch with them
-- a walk to a few hotels on the Strip to take pics; wow, it was so beautiful and so extravagant!
-- and of course, the whole gaming convention and meeting friends who I've played with online for about five or six years. It was amazing. Lots of fun. For those gamers among you, I bought a licence plate frame that says "I'd rather be on autofollow." I thought it was cute; it made hubby and me laugh.

When we got back, we celebrated our third anniversary. We didn't do much except go out for dinner on that date, but it was noted.

Summer is pushing forward and life goes on. I'm in the process of consulting with my sister to figure out when I'm going home in the fall to help out my mom after she has back surgery which is tentatively set for mid-September. And hubby and I are discussing what we'll do for Christmas this year, if anything.

The only other thing of note: hubby and I are back at the gym regularly and doing much better with our eating. We've both shed pounds. I haven't bothered to weigh but I'm estimating between 10 and 15 pounds so far. Lots more to go though. With some motivation and help/advice from MH in California, I know I can get there. I think I'll look at having my bloodwork done next month.

Oh yeah... and while I love stepping into the Manager's shoes, I gotta say, the pile of paperwork is overwhelming!

Where do I belong?

I'm not sure what to say here anymore. I guess that's why I've been absent... But to Pam and Marie, thank you for checking on me. I'm sorry I haven't been able to be here more. I'm just finding things very hard to deal with right now.

I feel like there is a club of bloggers and once upon a time, I felt that I was part of that club of people... like I fit in and I belonged. Fair enough, I belonged to that club because I'm infertile and TTC, but it was a club nonetheless. And support is a good thing.

And now I don't feel that I belong at all.

I see all of you moving forward, doing things, taking control and being active. Cycling, taking meds, planning for the next pieces of the puzzle, etc., but I'm not feeling like I belong anymore because I'm not doing any of those things. I'm firmly in *cue booming voice* limbo-land. And Limbo-land sucks. I have no idea when I'll do my bloodwork (in the next month or two I guess) and although I am going to the gym or swimming in my pool as well as watching what I eat, I don't know if my efforts to lose weight will pay off. And if they don't, well, I'll be turned down flat for IVF.

Everything else in my life I have tried to achieve, I have gotten there. I have grabbed the brass ring and run with it. This? This just beats me down and I don't know if I want to bother to get up again because I know I'll only be beaten down, yet again. I may as well just stay down for the count, you know?

And then there are the social ramifications. Last Saturday I had to take my kitties to the vet's office. We go in and there's a couple of women there with their doggies, waiting to see the veterinarian. I took a chair next to a young woman with a four-month old boxer who promptly decided to give my hands a bath. I petted him a bit while his owner told me of the little boxer's accident (running into a metal frame on the screen door; his eye was badly damaged), and she and I chatted a bit.

In chatting, she tells me something about her eight-year old daughter and her boyfriend. Jeez, this woman is all of MAYBE twenty-six. And as I'm tending to my mewing kitties who are desperate for attention, this woman sits up and rubs her (now visible) pregnant belly and says (as if speaking to the baby), "Ohh, don't start, I had breakfast!" She looks at me and says, "Kids huh? I'm only four months but this one is just rough!"

What do you say to that?!! Seriously!? I mean, I could be nice and brush it off, saying, "Oh yes. I'm sure." I could be truthful and say something like, "I wouldn't know." I could pretend and say, "Oh yes! I know what you're talking about." Or I could be downright grumpy and say, "I guess so. But I'd really rather not hear about it because I'm infertile." What I wanted to do was stand up and scream "SHUT UP B*TCH! I don't f*cking want to hear about your baby problems. I don't have kids and I don't know if I ever will and here's your ass at all of mid-20 years old and you're cooking your SECOND!!?? Just SHUT UP!!!"

But I didn't do any of that. I just sat there and said nothing. What DO you say? What CAN you say? How do you educate a stranger or do you even bother? *sighs* What's the point?

Then yesterday, I broke down in the evening after a dentist's appointment. It's all bad enough that I have so much trouble at the dentist's office in the first place because my teeth are so hypersensitive it takes a number of shots to numb my nerves enough to be able to work on my teeth. And I need to hyperdose on antibiotics before I see a dentist for ANY work because of a heart murmur that could cause problems. But added to that, of course even the dentist's assistant knows of our TTC attempts, because after three or four years of all this, it's hard to schedule cleanings or dental work (and take antibiotics) when you're cycling and not knowing WHEN you'll be taking what medications.

I get to the dentist's office and sit down in the chair and the first thing his assistant says to me is, "So any good news?" She's definitely referring to TTC. I can see it in her eyes. I just replied, "No," and avoided her gaze. She says, "None? How's it going?" And I said, "It's not." In this annoyingly perky voice she pipes up, "What about Montreal? Have you heard from them yet?" Sullen, I replied, "No, but we'll put our names on the list when the tests are all done. It'll take a few months." She pats my shoulder sympathetically and says, "It'll be all right. It'll work out. You'll get lucky. I know it!" And choking back the tears I barely managed to whisper, "I don't have hope anymore. I just don't think so."

And it went downhill from there.


On August 7, hubby and I celebrate our third wedding anniversary. We've been together for seven years, but only married for three. Hell, we started the TTC process long before we got married. Anyway, we were in the bedroom making the bed and I said to him, "Next week is our anniversary. What do you want to do?" He looks up and says, "I don't know, go out for dinner?" "Meh," I replied, "we could, but that's boring. I want to go somewhere. I want to do something fun. I want to have some time with you." (He and I haven't taken a vacation together when it's just been the two of us since March of 2003. Usually, we're flying somewhere to see my family, which is good, don't get me wrong, but it's nice to have some "us" time too.) With the strains on our marriage and relationship from all this stress and effort, we need time to reconnect. And we always have fun together on vacations.

I gave it a day or so, and mulled it all over. I thought, "Montreal? Québec City? Toronto? New York? Hmm..." And then it dawned on me. Next weekend is Fan Faire in Las Vegas, as hosted by Sony Online Entertainment for the online game that we both play, EverQuest II. We have friends who are going to be there (never met them, but they're good online friends nonetheless, much like many of you are). We would have a chance to enjoy the MMORPG world a little with like-minded folks. We would get to kick back and relax, indulging in a little fun. We would get to rediscover the spark of our relationship and the myriad of reasons why we love each other. Why not? Why not just go?!

Hubby and I often say that all the procedures in the world, all of these TTC efforts and the pain it puts us through are NOT worth it in the long run if it means that our marriage is on the rocks. Staying together is paramount in this. At least, that is my choice. And that's his too. So that is what we work on. Us.

Then I debated it because of the cost. But when I got to work the other morning, I found a cheque on my desk to supplement my last paycheque because I'm now in the Manager's shoes, and that includes a pay raise. I had a full HALF of the money right in my hands that day. That was a sign. A sign to spend a little time and money on ourselves and our closeness.

Last night, we booked the trip.

We leave next Thursday for four days, but that's better than nothing. And I'm really looking forward to it. At least there's some blue sky in my world.

How I Cope

I spent Friday night in tears. Four hours of tears to be exact. I've hidden away for most of the weekend; I don't really want to see anyone or do anything right now.

The results of my bloodwork from last week taken on CD24, aka 10DPO.
TSH = 3.16
LH = 0.9
FSH = <1.0
Estradiol = 278 (aka 75.75 for the Americans in the audience)
Progesterone = 24
HCG = 2

Yeah, that's right. TWO. Talk about a failure. A royal f*cking failure. This crap shoot sucks and the odds are definitely stacked against me. I'm exhausted.

In the last four or five days, I've done the following (in no particular order):

-- Brought up sperm donor possibilities with an online friend in California, whose wife gave birth to their twins four years ago in her late 30s. Apparently he is seriously considering it. He knows a bit about what I'm going through and the emotional ups and downs it entails. He wished he could make it better. I replied that he could, but not necessarily for me. I said that there are many women out there, in the situation that I'm in, who would love to have the opportunity to have a family. And it takes help from loving, giving, selfless people like him, who are willing to go through the process. He said he wants to do his part and promised to look into it. I gave him the names of two sperm banks out there; I told him to discuss it with his wife and if they think that they are comfortable making donations, then I encouraged him to give some woman somewhere, a little bit of hope.

-- Thought seriously about having a hysterectomy. I mean honestly, why bother with all this? If my ovaries and eggs don't cooperate, why have them? I'm still sitting on the fence with this. Which would be cheaper, IVF or a hysterectomy? Or just suffer in silence until natural menopause? Hmm, something to think about.

-- Considered a new mantra: Control what you can. Anyone who knows me in real life (as opposed to online) knows that I am a severe Type A personality with some OCD tendencies... especially considering my hand-washing post. Now to focus that concentration in a place where it will do the most good and a place that I have never focused on (to this degree) before. I, my dear readers, am overweight. Severely. And I despise myself and the way I look. My self-esteem is in the toilet and probably always has been. When it comes to my brain, I know I'm relatively intelligent, but God forbid you put me out in public. I'm as shy as anything and it's all because of my weight. So if we actually do go ahead with looking at IVF (and that's a big "if" right now), then I know that any office is going to tell me to lose 40-60 pounds first. I'm back at the gym, and taking out my anger and frustration on the elliptical machine and/or the treadmill. At this point, I don't care if burning 400+ calories per day makes me thinner or not; but at least it gets the anger out. These days, I have a LOT of anger. I wonder why...

-- Talked a little to hubby who offered the following insight: in all this negativity, in all this miserable lot, in all this pain and grief, there is one teeny, tiny sliver of hope. VERY VERY tiny though it may be. And that is this: If we proceed with IVF, if we get through the testing and find the money and get right down to it, we will try to use TESE. And what that means, dear readers, is that there MAY be a way for me to have my husband's child after all. And that would be wonderful.

Other
I want to partake in Patience's Virtual World Tour. I'll dig out some pics and post later this week.

And congratulations to Ms. C over at It Could Take Three Months who also got a BFP this go around. With so many of you coming up positive, no wonder no one else gets a kick at the proverbial can! Kidding! Kidding! I am really happy that five of my blogging sidebar buddies have come up positive this month. June/July has been good to many of you.

Much love to you all. See you soon.

No Double Lines

In preparation for tomorrow's beta, I succumbed.

I did the POAS thing this morning at 9DPO. Just as I suspected, negative. Blank. White as a sheet. If those tests detect 25 IUs of HCG, there ain't no way anything is gonna show up tomorrow.

I suspected as much anyway this morning when my temp began to drop. So there you go. I highly doubt things will change so you can count me out for this month folks. I'm gonna head to a corner and hide away a little bit for a good cry. Back soon.

Chugging along, but great news for others!

My 100th post on this blog, and with it, many things to celebrate.

Much love to those wonderful people who have seen BFPs in the last week or so. Go peek at Dawn's details, Vee's very wonderful news, Still Trying's spectacular beta results (after their first try at dIUI!!!), and Kate's knocked-up info. That's FOUR of you ladies who have great news this month! Congratulations to everyone. Now, care to shoot some of that my way? Pretty please??

As for me... I'm on CD22 and 8 DPO and scheduled for a beta on CD23/24. I don't have any hope; I have absolutely NO symptoms other than a temp that continues to rise like I've never seen before. I suppose lots can happen between now and this weekend but I think we've seen all the BFPs that we're gonna see for now. I'll go for the test anyway though, however, I know darn well that by CD27 it'll be CD1 again.

And hubby dropped off a sample for another sperm analysis, but we aren't holding our breath there either. A vasectomy and a failed reversal virtually guarantees that no sperm will be present.

Life goes on...

DIUI #5; The Last IUI for Awhile

A very quick update for you folks; I'm sort of absent this week as I have two friends here from the States for a holiday and we're playing tourist & tour guide.

I had my appointment on Sunday morning for the insemination. Awaking at 5 to take my temp, I couldn't go back to sleep easily and around 5:30 a sharp JAB in my abdomen. Ouch, what the heck was that?

So by 8 a.m. we're at the doc's office and he's wanding me (yet again!) and he sees oodles of free fluid, in the "classic" triangular shape so he figured I had ovulated very recently. I told him of the pain at 5:30 and he said that that was probably ovulation pain.

With so much free fluid, he was laughing trying to see well enough on the monitor; apparently all that fluid had pushed my uterus aside and getting a good look was more difficult than usual. But the result was, all three follicles were gone on the left side and the right ones were kinda hanging out as they had been before.

He did the IUI and as I said, we opted to use the whole vial. He gave me a prescription for 200 mg of progesterone daily (for 14 days) AND he gave me a requisition for a beta on 11/12 DPO (which will be next Tuesday or Wednesday).

Now we just hope. And lots of it.

Hubby's also made the appointment for the semen analysis; though I fail to see why we would bother with a vasectomy and failed reversal in the history. Oh well. We'll just get it over with and move on.

I guess that is the theme for this month anyway... get it over with and move on to something that will give us hope.

Mature Follicles Coming Through!

This morning's wanding revealed NINE follicles.

Okay, okay, nothing to get excited about though. Only three of them have made it to 1.8cm or larger (i.e., mature follicles). And all three of those suckers are on my left side. There's a fourth one on the left side that's a bit smaller (1.67) and on the right, five of em that are partying, although the party is dying out. They're not going to live up to the task, unfortunately. But three ain't bad. The endometrium is over 1 cm and that's fantastic.

So, with that, I got my HCG injection this morning (ouch!) and I go back tomorrow to use the ENTIRE vial. That's right. No splitting it this month. One time and one time only. This is the last kick at the can and I'm not willing to risk losing any of that sample in the thaw, refreeze, thaw process. So we go tomorrow to use the whole shebang.

We're getting to that IVF package as well. Hubby made his appointment for the semen analysis and I'll wait til next month to get that bloodwork done when I have no meds in my system. I expect a 2-3 month wait before we can get an appointment, so no rush I guess.

And after a few weeks of some stress, hubby and I had a shouting match... err... long discussion last night about a few things. Turns out he was really worried about our future because he thought that at the end of all of this, if we aren't successful, he was afraid that I would leave him. My heart broke. When he said those words, I must have looked so shocked. I had no idea that he was even contemplating that possibility or internalizing that. Because frankly, it never even entered my mind. This is my husband, the wonderful man that I fell in love with seven years ago, and when I said, "I do," I damn well meant I DO. I am NOT going anywhere; he's stuck with me now whether he likes it or not. :)

Eight follicles. Wow, not bad.

The statistics today (for those who are checking, and for my own reference)

Left: 3 follicles (1.1 to 1.5 cm)
Right: 5 follicles (0.9 to 1.3 cm)
Endometrium: 8.8 mm

Next appointment is on Saturday morning (CD 13) at 8:00. This try is our very last before we move to IVF.

And, my RE also gave me the package that hubby and I need to work on for McGill in MTL. Funny... they want a semen analysis; that's what got us into this in the first place. Hubby had a vasectomy and the reversal failed. Semen analysis? Yeah, um, *eyeroll* try none? I understand that they need to do their own workup, but this is sorta like kicking me when I'm down, yanno? *sighs*

There's a bunch of bloodwork in there that we have to undergo as well (including thyroid antibodies Aurelia!), HIV tests, hormone levels, etc. And we're told that we will need to book an appointment to attend a 1.5 hour class on IVF and the protocol. I've never done IVF before, but something tells me that I know more about it than the average Joe or Jane.

If this is what we have to do, so be it.