Grieving and Moving Forward (or... trying to)

I have been gone for so long, I don't know whether I can do justice to a post here anymore. I feel removed from so many aspects of my life; like I'm sitting on a park bench and watching life and all that it encompasses fly past me at record speed. Life feels foggy. Hazy. Thoughts feel jumbled and scattered.

Or maybe it's just my thyroid meds.

I probably ought to check my TSH levels again.

Or maybe it's just my way of trying to process the death of my aunt.

Truthfully, I don't know if I ever can. I'm still in shock and disbelief. Just last week, I was in my kitchen, preparing dinner when the phone rang. For a fleeting moment, I thought, "Oh I wonder if that's Aunt B? It's been so long since I..."

I seriously got that far into the thought before I remembered. And as the phone finished it's shrill ring, I broke down in tears, overwhelmed by grief that came at me out of the blue.

That sort of thing happens every couple of days. Today, I was in a fabric store, looking for something for Petite's Halloween costume and I thought, "I wish Aunt B were here. She would know what to look for," and a tear rolled down my cheek.

She's gone. I never expected that her sudden fall and subsequent departure from my parents' home (and her own home) to go to the hospital that day in June would herald the end of her life and she would not have a chance to return to her own house. She never got to finalize anything. She had unfinished projects here and there. She was not ready. Not really prepared for her days to end. And I never truly got a chance to say goodbye. She never got a chance to see Petite one last time. I will always regret that.

On August 8, I took Petite and flew home for a week. I shed so many tears knowing that she was already gone and I wouldn't see her while I was at home. It felt weird to be sitting in my aunt's house, around her kitchen table--with my parents, my other aunts and uncles, and Petite--and not to have Aunt B there.

Watering the plants at Nana and Poppy's

While home, I had the opportunity to speak for a number of items in her house that I could not bear to see lost to a donation pile. She lived alone and had a house full of furniture, cherished things, photos, items, from my grandparents' days and from her own life. And everyone in the family already has so many things; I mean, how many place settings or sets of dishes does a person need? My parents have their fair share of those things. So do my aunts. But how can you let her favourite tea mug be tossed out? Or her scissors (as she was a seamstress)? Her sewing machine? The beautiful paintings on the walls? How do you let those things go when you haven't really even had time to say goodbye to the person they belonged to and you just want to cradle everything tightly in your lap and never let go of any of it? Because you so badly want to bring that person back to you and you somehow think that by holding her cherished possessions close to you, she is close to you? How do you let go? How do you let pieces of your loved one end up in a bin for strangers to paw through and barter over? It's all too much for me. So very overwhelming.

I walked into my aunt's bedroom, together with my mom, and my two remaining aunts. The four of us were going to go through Aunt B's jewellery and choose a few pieces for ourselves and to give to others. Aunt Li, the one who used to live with Aunt B for many years, and who is the executor of the estate, walked to the dresser and pulled out something. She turned to me. In her hands was a small red pouch. Aunt Li spoke, "Gil, this is for Petite. We want her to have it from Aunt B." (I'm sobbing as I type this. Bear with me.) I was puzzled. I had no idea what the three sisters had done. But it quickly became clear to me.

I took the red pouch, and carefully opened it, slowly tipping it to catch the contents in my left hand.

Aunt B's wedding ring slid out, onto my palm.

I started to cry, and I was promptly handed a tissue. Aunt Li held her own tissue and took a breath, and she reminded me of Aunt B's own words from her hospital bed a few weeks prior, "Now no snottin' and bawlin'. None of that." We laughed through our tears; that was just like Aunt B. Petite and Aunt B had a very special relationship and knowing that Petite has Aunt B's wedding ring is more than I could possibly ever imagine. I will guard it carefully, cherishing it until the day comes for me to turn it over to Petite. She will never remember Aunt B. But she has her as a wonderful, watchful guardian angel. Of this, I am certain.

Playing in the playground where Mommy used to play when she was a girl 

I picked out a few more pieces of her jewellery for myself. The string of pearls she loaned me for my wedding day. The family ring belonging to my grandmother. Two sets of earrings (studs and hoops). A gold rope chain.

I chose a few paintings and pictures in the house. Aunt B had one of Petite's first drawings (done at 20 months) framed on her bedroom wall; I will bring it back to our home and keep it for Petite. I will take some of her dishes, her butter dish, a few special mugs, some bedding (it is the perfect colour and size for Petite's new double bed), some of her sewing items (yes, I took her scissors and her pinking shears) and other items. I went through her shoes and sneakers; Aunt B and I had the same size feet although my foot is a tad wider, but some of her shoes fit me. It was hard to go through her personal items. I will have her sofa and loveseat shipped to me as well; we need a new sofa badly and I cannot bear to see her gorgeous set go to just anyone. My aunts are having items shipped to them too, so the moving company will take it all together.

While at home, we held a visitation at the funeral home on Saturday, August 11. I spent some time creating a little paper, "Memories of Aunt B" that I compiled after talking with her nieces and nephews and their families. I also pulled together a lot of photos of Aunt B over the years and loaded them onto a digital photo frame; it played random photos throughout the afternoon. At the funeral home, we had a number of people come to visit who simply could not believe that Aunt B was gone. Her death was so sudden, and completely unexpected, that it shocked many people.

I took a few quiet moments to touch the beautiful, simple urn that held her ashes and say a little prayer, letting her know that Petite and I were there. Late... but we were there. And we love her and will miss her always.

On Sunday, August 12, we drove out to Cape Spear. The most easterly point in North America. Aunt B loved to go there to feel the wind in her face and watch for whales, or just revel in the roiling waters against the rocks below the steep cliffs. Cape Spear is where Hubby and I got married. It has a magical pull about it; every time I go home, I make an effort to go there for an hour or two. Aunt B loved it there too. On Sunday the 12th, we took Aunt B there for one last visit. Aunt Li took a vial of her ashes, as Aunt B wished, and we took some flowers to scatter into the wind, against the rocks, atop the waves.

Flowers for Aunt B, scattered at sea

Aunt B will always be there, every time I visit. And I hope to visit her often. Her urn was taken to King's Cove a couple of weeks ago for a private inurnment alongside her husband' final resting place. It is what she wanted. I hope she is at peace. I pray for her to visit me and tell me she is, to come to me in a dream and tell us she is all right. My aunts remained in Newfoundland to finish up clearing out Aunt B's house, sorting through her things, holding a garage sale, and selling my aunt's house and her car, dealing with her estate.

Petite and I left Newfoundland and returned to the Capital, and one week later (the last week in August), Hubby, Petite and I packed up and drove down to New Brunswick to be with my family for a week. The drive was relaxing (we enjoy driving holidays) and we loved seeing family members together. I spoke with my cousin and his wife, who had flown down to Newfoundland quickly and seen Aunt B the week before she died. It was my cousin who helped me Skype with Aunt B on her last 'good' day, bless him. It was the only closure I got.

We had glorious weather. My sister flew up with my little nephew from West Virginia and the two cousins had a wonderful time playing together. We stuck them in the bath together. They cuddled and had fun out on the back deck together. It was a quiet time, for the family to just BE together and lick our wounds, so to speak. I think we all needed that. And having the two kids there as a distraction was fun. My nephew is a gorgeous little boy. I hadn't seen him since he was two months old so it was a blast to rediscover him at almost 15 months.

Cousins playing; Petite's 3rd birthday

My sister, my mom, my cousin's wife and I gathered together the first night we were there and Mom gave my sister some of my aunt's items. It was a difficult time. My sister didn't really want to face it; didn't want to handle dividing up my aunt's jewellery or decide who got her leather jacket. The fact that she didn't really get to say goodbye either is hard on her too.

While in New Brunswick, Petite had her 3rd birthday with our family. She was adamant that she wanted a Cinderella cake, and that is exactly what she got, along with some fun toys and beautiful clothing, books, toy instruments, etc. Poppy got her a car with a "'mote control" that my sis brought from the States. She LOVED that.

We did another birthday back at home with a few of our friends and their little kids. We decided to head to a bowling alley and everyone had a GREAT time with that too! It was the first time for most of the kids to bowl but they really enjoyed it to the fullest. I worked diligently to make a Cinderella doll cake for Petite and it turned out nicely if I do say so myself.

Cinderella cake for Petite's birthday

As for us... we have made some life-changing decisions.

We will not cycle again.

I am at peace saying that, at long last.

There are a number of factors that went into that decision, and I know that I would love Petite to be a big sister. However, so many things make it hard on us, as a couple and it isn't the right choice for us, right now. Alas, "right now" is really all we have, given my age. I will not get another opportunity to do an IVF cycle, as I will be 43 next year and that is the cutoff age at McGill if you wish to use your own eggs. We looked at our finances, which took a hard hit with the first IVF (and all the years that came before that), the two years of school that Hubby did, and then the issue of not finding work quickly enough. We looked at the fact that we are just now finding our independence again, beginning to go out now and then as a couple, now that Petite is a bit older (and has been toilet trained for more than a year now). We looked at the fact that we may not get as lucky next time; not just in that I may not get pregnant, but what if we had a child with special needs? That would take away time, energy and money from the little girl that we worked so hard to have. I don't want to do that to her. I want to focus on the gorgeous little girl we DID get lucky enough to have. I want to enjoy her to the absolute fullest. I want to give her whatever I possibly can. I want to enjoy our life as a family and move forward. We are in a good place now and if we do it right, things will get better.

Cheeky girl

So in making that decision, I did not call McGill to start BCP in September and then to do injectables/monitoring in October with a view to retrieval mid-month and an HCG blood test around Halloween.

And making that decision meant that we could finally go through Petite's clothing and baby items, my maternity stuff, etc., and hold the mother of all garage sales. This garage sale was about five years in the works. We have done just that, and the sale brought us about $700. I hope that someone can use the treasured things that we so carefully chose for our little girl. I still have some clothing to consign and/or donate. I'm working through it. And I kept a huge bin of special items for myself.

In having that garage sale, we cleared out our living room, sold our old sofa and chair, and we have repainted with a view to prepping the room to receive the furniture from Newfoundland. I want to order something online for the wall. I'll take a few pictures when it's all done. I'm still looking for curtains and curtain rods, but I suspect that will have to wait until next weekend. There are only so many hours in a day.

We also purchased a new vehicle. Our warranty expired this past summer in the middle of the grieving and travelling, and knowing that we had some repairs on it, it was time to handle that as well. We opted for a Chevy Orlando (not sold in the USA). It's on a par with the Mazda5, sort of a cross between a minivan and an SUV, with three rows of seats for 7 passengers (and very little cargo space) or 5 passengers and plenty of cargo space. Petite's seat takes up a good part of the second row so we can fit 6 comfortably, or 7 squished.

Chevrolet Orlando 2012

And last week, The Wiggles brought their farewell tour to our city. Aunt B bought our tickets to The Wiggles in the summer of 2010. We had a lot of fun. I had expected to give it a pass this time around, but it tugged at my heartstrings, and knowing that it is Jeff, Murray and Greg's last time with the group, and then I spotted tickets on Groupon for a quarter of the price, I jumped at it. We went to the matinee show and we had fun.

The Wiggles, October 16, 2012

Keeping an eye on some bloggers these days: 
After a number of miscarriages, Monday is the day that Mo and Will (Life and Love in the Petri Dish) ought to meet Magpie, their little girl. Mo will be induced and I am hoping and praying that things go well.

And Keiko (The Infertility Voice) got a BFP after a donor egg IVF cycle. I am thrilled for her. And I can relate all too well to her difficulty transitioning from "infertile" to "pregnant infertile." There isn't much out there for those of us who have travelled that particular path.


You're still reading? Thank-you. I'm finding my way back but it may take time. At least now,  you're all caught up. And for that matter, so am I. Love to you all in blogland.

Petit's Room

Just to show you what hubby and I have been up to in the last little while... here's Petit's room as it stands right now. Please note: the crib is currently in our bedroom and there's a double bed in what will be Petit's room because my aunt will be sleeping in there when she and my mom arrive in a few weeks to give us a hand.


The Crib: We decided on a DaVinci Kalani crib. It's convertible to a toddler bed and eventually a double bed, as long as it isn't totally wrecked by that time! :)

For those who are curious, the Japanese Kanji in the frames above the bed are "love" (also tattooed on my right ankle), and my name as written by a wonderful woman I knew when I lived in Japan years ago.

This is to show off the gorgeous curtains that my aunt made for the bedroom. I'm so pleased with them! She did a fabulous job! They help to darken the room nicely for afternoon naps.

The furniture and all kinds of gifts, goodies and things we'll need in the coming weeks! The change table is a removable piece that will be unscrewed as Petit grows and no longer needs it. And then it'll be a lovely dresser.

And the quilt that my aunt embroidered. It's far too lovely to mess up, so I decided to hang it instead.

This is The Room that Shall Not be Named from many years ago. We'd redecorated it once before, but it's time. I think it's finally time for me to let go and maybe, just maybe, call it a nursery.

I reach full term tomorrow at 37 weeks. I'm excited, nervous and dare I say, hopeful. And never in my wildest dreams did I believe we'd get this far.

Preparations Continue

It's 6:15 a.m. and I've been up for more than an hour. Typically, during the week that's perfect because I need to haul myself to work. However, this is Sunday morning and I ought to be dozing away the morning in bed. Alas, Petit has other thoughts: "Ha ha Mom, I'm awake and moving around in here, so you're going to be awake too!" Thus, I'm up. Obliging of me huh?

Much like Vee's recent post though, I love it. I love these moments when Petit and I are alone. No one else gets to experience this and I cherish that immensely. I get to lay my hands on my belly and feel Petit's legs rolling back and forth. I poke back when I feel a knee jab at me and I smile to myself. I rub underneath my ribs when Petit's toes dig in and I enjoy the knowledge that Petit is growing well and that I'm doing everything I possibly can to bring a healthy baby into this world. In a few short weeks, with luck, we'll get to meet Petit in person and I'll get to touch those legs, knees and toes. I'll get to feel Petit's fingers grasp mine. I'll get to kiss Petit's little face and I know I'll shed tears for days on end. I realize how blessed we are to get this far, and how lucky I am to get to feel the things that I am feeling right now. Make no mistake about it. There are only a few more weeks to go and I intend to continue to enjoy every single moment.

At last week's appointment, everything went perfectly. Petit's heartrate was 140. I'm measuring right on track. My BP was 136/80, no glucose or protein in my urine, and I've gained a few more pounds for a total increase of 7 pounds so far. Hopefully that will plateau soon! The doctor did the Group B Step swab and I'll get the results at next week's appointment. I HAVE to hope that it's negative; that would ease my mind terribly. Also at next week's appointment, I get to have another ultrasound! The OB indicated that because of my age, they'd like to get another look at Petit and the placenta to ensure that everything is going well. Given that I'll be 37 weeks and 2 days at my next appointment, thus full term, if there are any issues (and we hope that there aren't), we could move forward with whatever we need to in order to deliver Petit safely. One day at a time, one hurdle at a time, one issue at a time. That is how I continue to approach this entire experience and while I do not want to have any sort of induction or, heaven forbid, a scheduled c-section, if the placenta is aging too rapidly and not providing Petit with what the baby needs, then Petit would be safer on the outside. I'll cross that bridge when, and if, I come to it.

On Wednesday evening, hubby and I had an appointment to ensure that our car seat is properly installed. We spent a few hours at Saje's house in the south end of the city and I must say, we learned a LOT from her! She recognizes that she is a bona fide "car seat diva" as with a few kids of her own, she's gone through at least 26 different car seats through the years! She definitely knows her stuff! I'm keeping her phone number because after the baby hits the 22 lb mark, we'll need to upgrade our seat and she'll be able to advise us about what's available at the time and what would be best given baby's height and weight and all of that.

We talked to Saje about a variety of topics. Along the way, we shared some of our story with her and spoke of our experiences at McGill in Montreal. Interestingly enough, she's considered being an egg donor through McGill; I do so hope for her that it works out. It's so wonderful to know that there are loving, giving people out there in this world who would give of themselves (literally!) to help people have a family. I will continue to cross my fingers that it all goes smoothly for her.

I also shared my concerns with Saje about the issues I foresee when breastfeeding. Given that I have both hypothyroidism and PCOS (which are both linked to supply problems; great huh?!), I am doing everything that I can right now to ensure that milk supply is not an issue when Petit arrives. For those who may not know the details, by continuing to take the metformin for the PCOS and by continuing to check and adjust my synthroid for the hypothyroidism, I am doing the right things to make sure that I have enough milk for Petit after the baby is born. That said, Saje gave me the name of a lactation consultant. I need to give her a call in the next day or two to see if she will be available around Petit's due date. I know too there are supposedly consultants on staff at the hospital but getting an appointment isn't always the easiest task, apparently. That only happens with referral from a nurse in the maternity ward. So I'll play it safe and see if I can book something on my own if I can.

This weekend is a long weekend in Ontario so Monday is a holiday. I opted to take Friday off as well and I am so glad that I did. It's been lovely to have a few days to relax. Okay, okay, so I don't do much relaxing; hubby and I spent Friday running a few errands and repainting Petit's room. I love the new colour! We picked one of the new Behr colours (paint and primer in one); it's called Caribbean Sunrise and it really makes Petit's room look like a baby's room now. I can't wait to hang the curtains in there later today and fix it all up again. I'll post pics when it's all done. Promise.

Two things to note among my friends in the blogging world this week:

Mick and his wife (Wanna Be Dad) welcomed little Zofia on July 31! She is just gorgeous; go peek at his blog for photos.
And after trying IVM last year, Journey (who blogs elsewhere) and her husband E got a positive Beta last week with their first IVF through McGill. They're going on holiday down east so her ultrasound will be pushed to August 21. I have a wonderful feeling about this and I'm grinning from ear to ear for them both!

Finally, it's done!

So without further delay, here are the photos of the new and improved "room that shall not be named."

We started out by ripping up the baseboard and quarter round, and then hubby tore out the old, stained and icky parquet flooring. We screwed down the subfloor (because when the house was built, nails were used) and then I proceeded to paint all the walls. The colour is a Be.hr paint (Desert Moss, #360F-5) to match the colour of the suns, moons and stars in the curtains. Then we laid down the new laminate flooring (10mm, cherry) before we put down the new baseboard and quarter round. Then came the wainscot on the lower portion of the walls, and the chair rail capped it off. I caulked the edges, painted the trim/wainscot and voilà! All in all, it took us about two weeks to do, working at it in the evenings after work for a few hours a night.

What do you think?





Yes, that wind chime is from Japan. It's one of the many souvenirs that I brought back from my time over there. I think I have something from Japan in every room of the house!









Note: Just for reference, our house is a three-bedroom bungalow with a finished basement built in the mid '60s. So it's sturdy like nothing else, but it also means we're working with old framing.

On the fertility front, we're still on our self-imposed hiatus and the drug-free thing is superb. I am glad we are taking this time. Next cycle is the bloodwork; I'll skip it this month because my mom and aunt will be visiting at that time so I'll go deal with it next month. And then we'll cycle again. I have a much better outlook right now and I don't want to lose that in the spiral of depression that often occurs with IF. But trying to balance the age factor with needing some time off is a tough thing. Glad I have projects like this to keep me occupied!

Before I sign off, does anyone know how I can reach Flicka over at Vacant Uterus? She's gone PW-protected and if she'll let me, I'd love to continue reading. If you know how to reach her, please contact me (e-mail info in my profile) with her info and I'll get in touch with her. Thanks in advance!

Pictures! (No, not the room... yet)

A few of you asked for updates on the room. Much to my chagrin, it's not QUITE finished. While I am definitely very ambitious, I am obviously not realistic! Apparently my dad thought I was "hiring" someone to do this work, and my sister was under the impression that I was taking time off work to do it all. No, gosh no. None of that! Tsk tsk! It's all my doing and it's being done every evening after I get off work. I'm plain tuckered out. But wow, the room is looking spectacular. I have a little more caulking to do tonight (I ran out of caulk last night) and then a last coat of paint on the wainscot to cover joints and nail hole fillings etc. One last going over with the dustcloth and I'll clean the windows and then it will be done. Before I reload the room, I'll take pics, I promise! Okay? Happy now?! Sheesh!

Though to appease you, I thought I'd put in some sort of pictures. These are two pics of my (fur) babies. Smudge (on the left) and Shadow are now the ripe old age of 11 years. I got them in the fall of 1995 while living in southern Japan and I brought them back to Canada with me in 1996 when I returned after three years in the Land of the Rising Sun. Even at age 11 they're still full of mischief and they are just gorgeous. And yes, if you are astute, you can see that the time on the digital box does indeed say "5:28"... that would be a.m. people. Hubby and I are up at 5 and I'm at my desk at 6:40 a.m. for my day. Ugh. On the bright side, we do get home by 3:30 p.m.! Okay, here you go... my "babies"...





P.S. To answer Shlomit, I work as a Senior Technical Writer–Editor (cum Translator) for... *whispers* the officers in red serge. Hubby is an IT support specialist and his shift is from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. Because he and I carpool (our offices are close) I get up to go with him at that unearthly hour. You do get used to it though; I love having my afternoons to run errands and such!

The Room That Shall Not Be Named

For the last few days, hubby and I have been busy every evening, up to our eyes in sawdust, woodworking tools, paint cans, measuring tapes... eeesh, I'm dizzy just thinking about it. Our goal is to strip and refinish "The Room That Shall Not Be Named" before Friday, February 2.

I bought the house in December of 2001, and hubby and I moved in in late January 2002. Shortly thereafter, my aunt, a seamstress by trade, worked her magic and made lovely curtains for all the bedrooms. In that room, I chose a beautiful green and yellow pattern; yellow stars, moons and suns on a green background, with flecks of yellow throughout.

The green and yellow was a no-brainer. You see, The Room has an intended purpose. Oh yes. And many of you infertiles know exactly what I'm talking about. It just screams "nursery" at me. In fact, that room was a major selling point of the house. Forget the fact that it has a large in-ground pool, or a huge finished basement, or any of the other good features. No no, it was The Room that really sealed the deal for me.

And because we have not yet had a child, The Room has been designated under many appellations. It's been called: the small guest room, J's room (when my stepson lived with us), the back bedroom, the white bedroom (originally I just whipped a coat of white paint on the previously grey walls), the room with the walk-in closet, etc. But never, ever, ever will I dare call it The Nur... well, you know. THAT name. So much like in the Har.ry Pot.ter films that refuse to utter the name of the bad guy, I've decided to give it the privilege of being called The Room That Shall Not Be Named.

Anyone who knows me knows darn well I will not, I absolutely refuse to, I positively despise putting pretty pink or pale blue on a room that will be used for that purpose. If ever I have the blessed opportunity to have a child, the room will be yellow, green and white. Crisp, classic, fresh colours. THAT is what I want in The Room. Thus, the green and yellow curtains that I so adore. Thank you Aunt B for those gorgeous curtains! *kisses*

Anyway, in refinishing The Room, we started out with the idea of putting in new laminate flooring. Then I thought if the floor is going to be done, we're going to be taking off the baseboard and quarter round. So, a great opportunity to finally get a nice coat of paint on the walls. To get rid of the bland, boring old white. Ugh. It needed a paint job long ago anyway. I took the material from the curtain and I went out to find a paint to match. Then I thought, well, it'd also be nice to go ahead and put on the white wainscoting that I'd wanted to have in The Room when it finally gets used for its intended purpose. I mean, why bother to do the floors and the paint and then put it all back together in order to tear it apart again in the future? So I bought the wainscoting.

And the renovation work begain. Off came the baseboard and quarter round. Hubby pried up the old and damaged parquet flooring. I've put on the two coats of paint on the full wall, and painted the wainscoting. Tonight, we lay the laminate and either tonight or tomorrow we put up the baseboard, wainscoting, chair rail and quarter round. Put up the curtains again (the inspiration for the whole room) and load in the furniture again. Voilà. New room to enjoy.

In considering whether I would even tackle the work, I wondered why, oh why would I deprive my guests and my own family of having a beautiful room to enjoy? I just think it's a little silly to sit and wait; to count on something that I am never certain about and hold off those plans until... well... heavens knows when, right? Life goes on. I have to live for today and enjoy my surroundings today instead of pinning my hopes on all that. I cannot let it control my life. I didn't want to jinx it before, but you know, I can't think that way any longer. Part of taking stock of my life I guess and moving forward for now, until I cycle again.

And why do we have to do all this before Friday, you ask? Because my stepson will be 11 years old on Thursday. (Side note: I was introduced to him when he was four, almost five, and his sister was six at the time.) And on Friday, hubby and I are going with nine of our friends and their children to a junior hockey game. After the game, three of the kids will be having a sleepover at our house so I'd love to put the room to use. Worst case scenario, they will bunk on the living room floor in front of the fireplace and watch TV and play video games or whatever floats their boat. Besides, it needs to be done before the end of February because Aunt B and my mom are coming to visit for 10 days. And they deserve to enjoy a beautiful room too.

Sending hugs to
Katd over at They Grow in Your Heart. She and her husband are waiting for news from their adoption agency about the birth mother who was matched to them. The birth mother is due this week, but they've not heard from her in awhile and are wondering whether their adoption will take place at all, or whether luck will fall in their laps and everything will go as originally intended. Keep us posted katd. May good things come to you!

**Edited to add**
Ah ha! Caught ya! By the looks of things, I'm not the only one out there with a Room that shall not be named! You guys seem to have them too; I knew I wasn't alone. So I'm opening up comments to you to tell me about your "Room" and what you use it for now, what you would like to do with it, colours, styles, anything at all. Share. :)

Ups and Downs

In the last 24 hours, I've had a few ups and downs. Rollercoaster? Good God yes.

Up: Hubby did a fantastic job with the Puregon injection this morning! I barely felt it. I confess, I was nervous, but he did it beautifully. Thanks sweetie! *blows him kisses*

Down: I told my mom about our decision to use donor sperm yesterday, and I told her about this blog too. Now the fact that I told her about these things is not the "down" but rather the way in which I told her. Mom, if you've found this blog and you're reading, know that I love you so very much and I didn't want to tell you that way at all. You see folks, I had to e-mail my mom and tell her those things via text.

It's hard being so far away from my family. Mom and I are very close and I know if I were home, I would be able to go out to lunch with her, or sit down over a cup of tea and chat. But I can't do that from up here in the capital of the country when she's on the extreme east coast. We have only the telephone or e-mail. Truly, I had hoped to be able to sit down over a cup of tea with her in Florida in a mere three weeks' time. But my hand was forced and I had to come out with it. My family really didn't know all of what my hubby and I are dealing with, and to protect myself and to surround myself with supportive people (which I need right now), I had to let Mom know. I am sure she'll still have questions or concerns, and hubby and I will deal with them when we see my family at Christmas.

Down: And this is an ANGRY down. Reading the paper during my lunch hour yesterday I come across an article in the Travel Section entitled (get this) "The procreation vacation." I almost puked. Be. Freakin. Serious. Travel companies advertising "fertility-enhancing getaways"? The article discusses mini vacation getaways for "fertility-challenged couples" and even says that doctors are encouraging the trend. What he h*ll?

You know something? (Rant on folks. Move it or lose it... you've been warned.) If these Gen Xers aren't able to get pregnant after two or three months of trying simply because they're "too busy" or they're "over-scheduled" and can't make time, they're not "fertility-challenged," people! What is this about a Birds and the Bees package from a spot in Chesapeake Bay? Or a ski vacation in Wyoming? Total bull. Complete and utter bullsh*t.

These are not the infertile couples of the world. And how DARE such an article purport to state that they are! The idea that these couples spend upwards of $2000 for three nights to supposedly relax enough to get pregnant is nothing short of insulting to those of us who are dealing with real infertility: the ups and downs of the 2ww, the injections, the surgeries, the invasive testing and procedures, the constant monitoring, the hormone manipulation, the exploration of adoption, the choice to use donor sperm or surrogate mothers... all of that and more. THAT is infertility. And d*mmit, how many times do we have to say it? RELAXING DOES NOT MAKE AN INFERTILE COUPLE SUDDENLY FERTILE! ARGH!!!!!! *takes a deep breath* Disgusting. There are no words to describe my feelings.

Up: Hubby and I took a few hours and got our minds off the fertility stuff last night and we went to the first session of two on Installing Hardwood and Laminate Flooring. Our hope is to redo the basement floor (one room about 40ft x 25 ft) as well as the living room on the main floor. And you know? I also thought of doing the little bedroom that would eventually be a nursery. We have an older home; a three-bedroom, two-bathroom bungalow with a finished basement and most of the home has parquet flooring that is in need of replacing. Little by little, we'll get it done.

It is my dream to refinish the little bedroom (I don't refer to it as a "nursery" because I don't want to get my hopes up or jinx myself) with laminate flooring, bright yellow and soft green colours (no pinks or blues... not my style), suns and stars and teddy bears. Those are the things I envisage, with a crib and a rocking chair and a chest of drawers... Ah, the stuff of dreams. One day. One day. Maybe soon. But one day I'll get that chance. Anyway, yes, laminate flooring; back to the topic. Hubby and I have homework before next week's class. Gotta find time to squeeze that in between doctor's appointments, seeing hubby's kids and taking them to a movie, going out with some good friends Thursday and other friends on Saturday... and somewhere in there I want to do some cleaning and decorating for the holidays.

Up: Hubby joined the DI_Dads yahoo group (thank you Eric!) and wouldn't you know it? Hubby is their 100th member! YAY! As I asked Eric, does that mean that we get extra special luck, wishes, hopes, babydust, lovin, etc.? No? Well phooey! Oh well. However, it does mean that we have another resource to call upon though. And that is a wonderful thing.

Ups and downs make the day tough. But somehow, we keep going. Sending so much love and best wishes to you all in blogland.